This is a guest post from my cousin, Mrs. Darling. It originally appeared on her site in a slightly different form.
I’m going to tell you just a bit about how to live on one income, but before doing that I will tell you how I’m qualified. Number one: I live on one income and have done so all our married life. Number two: we have successfully lived on one income. We are not in debt. We truly owe no man, or bank, or corporation, anything!
So how do we do it?
A peek inside my home will answer some of your questions.
A friend once brought someone from her church to my house After leaving, the new lady says to my friend,”I feel so sorry for Mrs. Darling. She lives so frugally. They must be so poor.” So without missing a beat my friend wonders why she thinks that. “Well,” says the sweet lady, “her microwave is so old. They don’t even make those huge cumbersome things anymore and her telephone is still attached to the wall! And the car she drives! That old Monte Carlo is a beast!”
I laughed and laughed when my friend told me this story. I’m happy to say that today I have five phones (none of which are attached to the wall) and I also own a sleek stainless steel microwave. The old ’72 Monte Carlo is sold and in its place is a Ford Expedition. The Monte Carlo we bought used for $3000. The old phone, the huge 1980 model microwave, and the old cars all served as a stepping stone to the day when we could pay not just $3000 for a car, but $30,000 for an SUV!
At one time I drove a car that I needed to keep my foot on the gas and the brake both, just to keep it running at a stop light. Many times it died anyway. I was dating my husband at the time and he was quite concerned about my lack of decent transportation. He bought me a wonderful 1978 oldsmobile for 800 bucks. I drove it for years until it was totaled in an accident.
You ask why didn’t he just finance a new car for me? Because you never get to the point we are today without sacrifice. You never reach the point of no debt when you’re continually buying things you cant afford. It’s all part of frugal living.
When we bought the SUV, another friend who was steeply in debt bought a used van that they could not afford nor did they need. She thought it would be nice for hauling the kids friends around with them so she bought it. She was complaining about the huge monthly bill they would have. Their credit wasn’t any good and because of that they had to pay a very high interest rate to some rip off car lot. She finished her complaint by saying, “Well at least we can better afford our van than you can that brand new Expedition!” I didn’t say anything. Better to leave her thinking that.
The reality of it was that in all the years gone before, my husband had bought used cars. He rebuilt their engines and completely overhauled them until they worked like new. But never had he bought a new car. That year we bought the Expedition he turned 40 years old. I was pregnant. It was the fall of 96 and we bought a spanking new 97 model. We paid cash for our Expedition. Yes, we could better afford our new SUV than my friend could her used van. It was the first new vehicle my husband ever bought. It is now ten years later and remains the only new vehicle we ever bought. It has about forty thousand miles on it. We use it only for long distance comfort traveling or hauling lots of people.
My main car is a 1993 Honda Accord and hubby drives a clunky old company truck to work every day. Could we afford to bring our vehicles into the 21st century and keep up with the Joneses? Of course, we can, but why should we? These cars still work just fine. It’s just another way of staying out of debt and living on one income.
Yesterday a friend spied our old Super Nintendo by the TV. He commented wryly on our updated game system. We had a good laugh. That’s right — our kids are still having fun with little old Mario. Our kids don’t have Game Boys and we don’t own an Xbox. Just because they make it and they sell it, doesn’t mean you have to have it. The TV that Nintendo game was hooked to is 24-years-old, bought by my husband 24 years ago. It’s called living on one income.
Many of our neighbors have motor homes and quads and toy haulers and fifth wheelers. We have a boat. Our first boat was an old 1973 Titanic-type thing. It was heavy and clumsy, but it was fun. My husband and his brother bought it together 20 years ago. They each forked over 600 bucks for it. It’s served us all these years. This spring my husband bought another boat and sold the old one. He found us a very nice updated (but used) boat on the internet. Could we have afforded a new boat. Yes, we could have. But why?
On our deck sits an incredible eyesore in the form of a hot tub. Ugly red decking lines its sides, paint peeling and slats missing. The heater doesn’t work in it, and it used to leak until hubby fixed it a couple of weeks ago. The inside of the hot tub is beautiful swirled grey and white marble. So why didn’t we just go buy a new one when we can afford to do just that? Because this fixer-upper was free, folks! So we have to buy a heating element and put new decking on the outside of it. It is a cheap thing to do in comparison to buying a new one!
Tomorrow I’m going to do the second part of living on one income. This time we will take more of a look inside the house and see how you can still have nice things for your kids and home, and how you can serve wonderful nutritious meals to your family, all on one income.
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@Aria … do your research. 27 years ago was 1981. I’m 56 years old and graduated HS in 1970. In 1976 I had my best income year ever … netting (after tax but before refunds) slightly north of $76,000 with a HS education. I was also a single, custodial, Dad of two very young sons.
Today, I have no steady income at all.
In my area of the country (southeast Michigan), $5 / hr. was nothing unusual in those days … in fact, $8 or so would have been the norm. Yes, there were still plenty of minimum wage (~$3/hr) jobs, but most of us weren’t flipping burgers for a living. Burger flipping is just to hold you while you actually WORK at finding a better source of income. If you need more schooling, get it. I don’t care how, but get it. If you can’t find work, make it … start your own business. You’d be surprised how much money is ‘left on the table’ by established company’s. Think I’m kidding? Try hiring a dog-walking service (or even just a dog poop clean-up service)!
Her husband wasn’t making huge wages. He didn’t have to pay today’s gas prices … but he wasn’t knocking down silk-stocking money, either. He still isn’t.
Yeah, $90,000 would leave me fat and sassy. But I have friends who make that much and more and they are sinking fast. They treat debt as an asset and it’s not … it’s a gun pointed at your head.
They worked hard to get to their income level, but not hard enough to stay there. That’s what happens when you don’t educate yourself about how money actually works.
They are driving leased SUV’s that cost $80-100 to fill up … and that need filling 2-3 times a week because they live in McMansions far from where they work.
When gas was a buck a gallon … well, gas ISN’T a buck a gallon anymore.
Detroit is hardly a bastion of public transportation, either. We don’t build busses or trains here, we build cars. And SUV’s. We are decades away from having either the infrastructure for mass transit or even the will to build it.
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At last someone who actually “gets it”! Thank you!
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You aren’t acknowledging the privilege you did have, and that is why people are “so touchy.” Many MANY people stock away every dime they have just to make sure they have something in the bank for the next medical bill because they can’t afford insurance that comes without a deductible, money which must be paid before insurance will contribute a dime. Plenty of people work their asses off at two, sometimes even three or four, jobs to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, with a cup of coffee at Starbucks being a once-every-three-months luxury. Your writing makes it sound as if no one has an excuse to not be wealthy if they just stick their minds to it. But that is not reality. You are out of touch with that. Jobs are going overseas. There are only so many corporate jobs out there. There are only so many jobs period, and far more workers, to the point that employees are reverse-auctioning their skills. I saw a job posting several days ago for a job paying $14 an hour that required a Ph.D! Companies can be that picky!!
Rather than present your life as a struggle to make ends meet (on $90k per year) and saying anyone can do it, take a step back and get over yourself. Anyone can try, but there is only so much anyone can do. Some are fortunate to be in better areas than others. Some are not.
If you want to be helpful, state it as this is what you have done, the times were different, but the ideas are the same. Quit making it sound like you think you’re struggling and quit making it sound like what you’ve achieved is achievable by everyone. If you really believe it is, go to a ghetto and see what those people have to get by on, the opportunities they have. And tell me how they have much hope are getting out when they’re working at age 12 to help put food on the table. It’s not legal, but it’s life. You are only used to seeing what you want to see. Take a walk outside of your upper-middle-class/affluent life and see what many people have to work with. Until kissing my job good-bye and working full time on my own business, my household income was near what yours is, and I acknowledge I’m fortunate, but also never lost sight of that fortune that not everyone is afforded. You’ve got 20-something years on me. Maybe that accounts for your lack of touch with modern reality and the struggles people face today just to get by.
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I have known a time when I havent had shoes to wear. Ive known a time when I only had powdered milk to drink and that had to be watered down to reach around for the month. I’ve known what its like to have the lights shut off because there was no money to pay the bill. I’ve known what its like to have to take the bus everywhere I go or else walk when there wasnt a dime for the bus. Ive known a time when I had to hold down three part time jobs and raise my daughter alone while I went to college full time after only 8 years of grade school. I’ve had professors knock points off my grade because I couldnt afford paper and had to write my essay on the back of anything I found. I’ve eaten meals provided by the Salvation Army. I’ve known winters with only bear meat to eat and that bear was trapped in our own trap behind the house.
Have you had to do any of this? Have you ever personally lived through this kind of poverty?
I have and I’ve pulled out of it all. Now do you want to tell me Im out of touch?
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Worse. I’ve been homeless. As in sleeping in a park, trying to keep out of sight. And I clawed and fought my way out of it, and had some luck along the way.
What makes you out of touch is thinking that today is the same as the late 70′s and early 80′s, and insisting that anyone can be wealthy if they try hard enough. Realistically there is only so much one can do, and the rest is up to an employer whether or not to give a raise to someone barely making ends meet. There aren’t a ton of jobs out there someone can switch to, not anymore.
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It is true– the social safety net was much stronger in the 70s than it is today. Income inequality was also much lower. Unions were stronger, though starting to erode. Nixon would be considered a progressive liberal by today’s standards.
That’s what the OWS movement is trying to bring back. The American dream for everybody, not just the lucky and privileged.
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Hmm well, if you dont want to believe that the American dream can be yours theres nothing more I can do for you! You will stay in whatever economic class you are in for the rest of your life. Good luck and all the best to you.
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Go tell people in a ghetto that the American dream can be theirs too. But I guess they aren’t working hard enough. It worked out for you, but not everyone has the same opportunities. You are an elitist.
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I think it has become touchy because most people don’t make $50k even now. That’s not slumming it like many Americans. Digging through the dumpster and eating one meal a day at a half way house because you can’t get a job- that’s slumming it. It’s not realistic for someone as well off as paying off their home on a “meager” $50k annually to tell the rest, who maybe see $15-20k annually (even now) how to “make it.” It’s not always a matter of “get out of your spend it mentality” that will help a person. If you have to choose between washing laundry (at the laundromat because you live in a bad neighborhood apt. where there is no laundry hook ups) and paying the light bill, the laundry becomes a luxury. Does that sound like what you and your husband had to choose between? I hardly think driving a beat up old car qualifies as poor. At least you had a car. Many people could not take $1 to spare at the end of their month- or find that there is just more month at the end of their money than is possible. It’s not necessarily because they spend frivolously- unless buying food (ramen noodles, powdered milk, and peanut butter) is a luxury too.
I’m not here to judge how you made it successfully- I’m so happy for you and your family. I pray that others can live in comfort too one day, but giving people the “right formula” from your own experience only applies to people who had the same experience (the same income level) and most people don’t. I think it’s only natural for people to point out the fallacy in this type of “look I came from nothing” when clearly you did *not* really “come from nothing.”
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BK, you hit the nail on the head. Mrs. Darling was never as far down as some people are. Her husband’s income was never so extremely low. Even that $5 27 years ago was a decent chunk of change, even if not wealthy. Plenty of brilliant people out there won’t get the chance because they can’t afford a business suit. Her situation was indeed far more fortunate. I wish she could see that and acknowledge it and not insist that it’s something everyone can do. It’s not. It’s really not. Some people have less than even the basics. What’s there to cut back on?
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to aria….well i know im kinda late on all this but there r palces in your local town who have shelters set up to help people out there get business attire for work! i know i bought a new suit (ralph lauren) @ a .50 cents a pound store. so i payed like 1.50 for it. jobs r there u just have to look for them and even if it is flipping burgers for the time being u can do it. i worked in a garage for a yr while i was waiting to better myself and my two children. i got hired through fedex…being a single mom and all i nailed it….patince and longsuffering….im not rich but working on it..by budgetting and not buying the suv and buying the car for my needs not my wants….we need a bigger house but the one we have now..we make due so we dont have a payment! we have three children and a two bedroom house. the living space is plenty. just two bedrooms. we make due until we can afford it. i guess what i am saying is that jobs r there they might not b what u want…but it will be what u need until u can have what u want.
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Folks, you don’t know Mrs. Darling and her background. There’s no need to be judgmental. Is she wrong for speaking in generalizations (“anyone can do it”)? Perhaps. But it’s an error of goodwill.
Having known Mrs. Darling since I was a boy, I can vouch that she grew up in poverty. As poor as Aria? Maybe not. But poverty isn’t a pissing match. It’s not a badge of honor to be poorer than your neighbor. Poor is poor, and Mrs. Darling’s family was poor.
I don’t know much about her husband’s background, but I do know that he has worked damn hard to get where he is. Yes, he makes $90,000/year, but he hasn’t always. And Mrs. Darling has been practicing her advice for their entire marriage.
Anyhow — enough name-calling, and enough attacking somebody who’s only trying to help. It’s ridiculous. If it continues, I’m locking the thread to comments.
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It is my hope and prayer that you never have to hit that “rock bottom” that some people live in to understand this Mrs. Darling. I know that you only speak from your own experience and that you don’t mean harm towards those of us who have been in real poverty. But let us not forget our brothers and sisters all over the world, who’s poverty would make our eating out of garbage can poverty seem rich- at least we are fortunate enough to live in a country where there IS food in the trash. How fortunate for us that people *are* so wasteful as to throw out things useful to those of us who have had to or maybe still have to glean from the cast offs of the rest of society. God has blessed us, and I hope he continues to bless you too Mrs. Darling in the way that He has. He has blessed each one according to His own will.
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Up until 10 years ago, we were living the American dream. My husband had a good job in Manufacturing (despite not only not finishing school, but not being able to read past a 3rd grade level when he got the job), and we had an affordable home in the country, which appraised much higher than what we paid for it, and we did the “wise” 20% down thing. We bought a house that was $100K less than what we were “pre-approved” for–and thank GOD for that! Imagine that some people said it was foolish to not take advantage of what we were pre-approved for!
Then one day, he went to work and his shop was closed with no warning. He got a new job at HALF the hourly pay rate (the only one he could find after weeks of looking), and two months later they announced they were closing and moving overseas and that everyone would get a handsome severance check. they did hand those out, but they bounced, as did the last 4 paychecks, causing us to spend what remained of our emergency savings because of all of the fees involved that they didn’t pay, and still haven’t paid (they filed bankruptcy, and they claimed everyone stole things from the shop, which a few bitter employees did do). He went through a few other jobs, each time a lack of work causing either layoffs or insisting that anyone wanting to keep their job take a pay cut. this went on for a few years, until one of the companies where he was working went out of business (again bouncing the last paycheck).
Then he worked out of state for a while, and we were ready to move because of the situation. When he got the job in a neighboring state, we called a Realtor, and found out our house, which was worth well over what our purchase price was when we bought it was now worth far less than what we owed on it because of the economic situation in our area (houses being foreclosed and not selling, and if they did sell they sold for well under what they used to be worth). We put it on the market for what we owed, and no one even looked at it for over a year, though it is a lovely house, and so my dh worked in another state, living in the basement of a widow for a cheap rent, and coming home once a month, which was very difficult as you may imagine. He finally found another job, up here, but they went out of business a short while later, and then another job, and still another…we are now 10 jobs removed from that original first job, and each time his hourly wage has gone down, and his benefits package has also gone down. He tried to get a job at Walmart or a fast food place in the area, but they are not hiring, and they told him they are giving preference to people who have no job at all, not people who need a second job. My daughter (a teen) can’t find work anywhere either…no place is hiring in our area, and as I said, we can’t move now that the house is not worth what we owe. He drives 50 miles one way to work, which at $4 a gallon gas is getting to the point where he cant’ afford to go to work! Thankfully he has been able to find someone to carpool with. We live in Michigan, which means we have no public transportation that runs regularly, and there is nothing going from our township to his work area. We’re stuck, and judging from the number of homes in foreclosure around us, we are among the “lucky” ones that have at least managed our finances in such a way as to be able to roll with it, though going from working our way up to earning $100K 10 years ago to earning $30K is really a DRAG to say the least, especially at our ages, and working so hard to get ahead.
As a family we have begun doing website design, and I am a freelance writer, and my husband is very diligent, having learned how to do programming, and also doing quite a bit of consulting in his field for other shops that are too cheap to hire him full time. He does this at night. He leaves the house at 4 am, and gets home around 10pm, and we can barely pay our bills. On weekends he also works on website design, and we all work in the garden where we raise much of our groceries. The township recently told us that our chickens violate the “new” zoning law they passed without telling us, and so we had to get rid of those, and lose about $50 a week in income plus the eggs and meat. I have fillings falling out, and my insurance won’t cover it because of how old they are, and so I am saving up for some new fillings and just not eating anything hot or cold for the time being, and trying to ignore the pain. We make slightly too much to be approved for government funded insurance.
We are working our butts off here. Obviously we are not in the same position as others, and maybe I’ll be criticized too for having once made $100K and still having a roof over our heads…we thank God every day that we’re not homeless, as it could have happened so easily…I obviously have a computer and internet access…we are able to buy food though not the healthy stuff that we’d prefer….sometimes we splurge by going to the dentist (LOL)…and we are always exploring other means of earning extra income as a family and as individuals, and learning new skills that we can use in an entrepreneurial way…but it is discouraging when we have an annual reduction in pay while expenses keep going up and up.
Mrs. Darling has shared with us from her heart about things she has learned “getting rich slowly” and I find it sad that everyone is so critical of her. Despite being crazy jealous of her life (~smiles~) I found her post helpful and a reaffirmation of what we are already doing. It’s been far more helpful than those asinine articles on Yahoo news about saving money by not eating out more than once a week (no, really? DUH!), and planning your shopping trips. THOSE are the articles that have gotten my dander up!
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J.D., are we supposed to praise her for overlooking that her life circumstances were exceptional and her presumption that ANYONE can do what she’s done? She IS out of touch with reality if she’s going to insist that anyone can, and it’s just a matter of working hard enough and spending wisely. That is really not the case. You do the best you can with what you have, but when you don’t have enough despite working your butt off, what else can you do but skip sleep to work more and die?
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Aria, I’m not asking you to praise Mrs. Darling. I’m asking you to quit picking on her. It’s uncalled for. You’re on the same team. Play nice.
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It’s not picking on her wanting her to acknowledge she had privilege on her way up and to stop saying that anyone can do it if they want it enough. That’s belittling to those who have less than enough for basics while working all the hours humanly possible.
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I was surprised to see a link to this post from LAF–I read and commented on this last year (I commented on part 2). I ended up with a response to my question on the author’s blog site.
While I completely give credit to Mrs. Darling for maintaining a debt-free lifestyle, I do think that she should clarify that her husband was financially stable when she married him (i.e. her answer to my question was that he paid her previous debts).
I only bring this up because I think that the beginning of this post is somewhat misleading. It seems that her husband is the one who was initially frugal and had bought the house, planned and saved before meeting her. Again, I do credit her with maintaining his initiative! I also feel blessed to have married such a man–he was financially stable, responsible, and organized and I too was a single mom with bills.
I wish there were more responsible men out there like this to start their families off on the right foot.
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Wow, what I thought was a nice article about one families success, became as some see it, a story about affluent fat cats with rose-colored glasses. Common Aria! America is the land of opportunity like it or not! If people choose to feel bad for themselves and make excuses concerning their misfortunes, then too freaking bad. Aria, maybe you and JD should get over yourselves and stop putting the blame on others for your shortcomings. Is it our fault you grew up in worse conditions than the author? No of course not. Are you that egotistical to place yourself on the perch of self-righteousness and pass judgment on society?
Aria, here is as a very short background on my family’s journey of “success”. I grew up poor with three brothers and a father in prison. I had a wonderful mom who quit school in 8th grade because of poverty and having no parents. She married young and struggled mightily! My dad went to prison when my brothers and I were kids and never returned. My mother worked several simultaneous menial jobs to support us. I use the word support loosely, we barely had enough food and yes my friends – indoor lights were a luxury!
One thing we were never short on in our home was love. My mother dreamed of the day she could provide us a better life and through hard work and many, many years she did achieve success. Much after my brothers and I left home to become men. My mom earned her high school diploma, and graduated nursing school on a state grant (allotted for people below poverty). The greatest thing my mom thought us was hard work pays off and never stop trying to achieve your dreams, she never felt bad about our situation and tried to stay positive. Her positive attitude and the belief that good things happen to good people paid off.
My mother now owns a home in a beautiful area and is planning on retiring in a few years. My brothers and I are very successful, due largely to our childhood struggles and my mother’s love and positive influence. Yes, we were very poor, but never did we let it become a cop-out. You see, I have met many people who love to place blame on others for their failures e.g., my dads an alcohol, so that’s why I am, or I grew up poor so that’s why I am. Please stop making excuses.
P.S. The author says her husband makes 90K/ year and you say their rich! Wow! Rich? I must be super-rich, or be a real life Horatio Alger story. I have a received a B.S at 39 and an MBA @ 42 years old (BTW I’m still paying for my education) and have a wonderful career where I make around 150K/ year and I am still excelling in my field where I feel there is no proverbial top. I ask – Do you consider me rich? Hell no! I have children and a non-working spouse whom BTW also grew up very poor and we surely are, far from affluent. People hard work pays off! I am not the exception! Get off your perch and chase the American dream; it is alive and well.
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Trevor, in income of $75920 puts one in the 90th percentile for income in this country. $97656 starts the 95th percentile. If you’re making $150,000 and think you’re not rich, you are insanely delusional. Neither you nor the author are in any position to talk about how tight money is or to pat yourselves on the back or “getting by” on one income that by itself is more by itself than about 95% of households in this entire county make combined between all its sources of income. If you think money is tight, then quit taking yearly vacations and cut your spending to only on what’s necessary.
The problem people are having are rich people like you and the author wanting accolades for getting by on salaries that put you in the affluent class. Coming from nothing and “making it” isn’t the problem anyone’s having. The problem is, “Look at me! Praise me for getting by on ‘only’ $95,000!”
Show us a family getting by on only one income when that total household average income is the national average is less than $40,000 – before taxes. Show us single parents getting by without welfare or money from the other parent. DON’T show us a family “getting by” on more money than 90% of household make. Claiming to “just get by” on this “little” is insulting.
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Ceecee, I respect your reply and I hope I didn’t come across as antagonistic, but truth be told, many of us including myself do not take lavish vacations and or live an opulent lifestyle. It took years of career development to achieve what I have. Many of my friends throughout the years thought I was crazy and or delusional to go college throughout my 20s and 30s and 40s (soon to be PhD). They seen me sleep 2-3 hours per night while working full time in the same field I am in now. They said settle down; it’s not possible, or the best one – that I was out of touch with my situational reality. You know – if I would of listened to the negativity, I would still be poor saying woes me with Aria. I would still be condemning positive thinking, I would still be telling kids its not possible to achieve their dreams and last but not least, to settle with what you’re given.
You write “The problem people are having are rich people like you and the author wanting accolades for getting by on salaries that put you in the affluent class. Coming from nothing and “making it” isn’t the problem anyone’s having. The problem is, “Look at me! Praise me for getting by on ‘only’ $95,000!” Did anyone say look at me praise me? No. The author is only trying to give an example of how they are “getting by” as a middle class family. All right, all right, I’ll give you an upper middle class family, but surely not a rich one.
Yes, I do realize that we are blessed, but please don’t make an assumption that we were some how lucky. Some of the people here are insinuating that you are what you are and that one should relent in the face of adversity. They feel that success is not attainable. Why? Is it because they have seen others fail? Or is it because it’s easier to cope with social mediocrity, than it is to strive for greatness. I implore anyone who reads this to stop making excuses and push ones self though life. It can be done by ANYBODY! Now I’m not saying it will be overnight. It took me 20+ years of clawing and scratching, but it can be done. All you do is have to believe in yourself and most of all stay positive.
P.S. I referenced J.D. in my last post, but I meant B.K.
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Trevor, I’m not talking about the process of “making it.” I’m talking about someone talking about how tricky and tight it is making it on one salary while completely ignoring that that one salary is $95000 a year, two and a half times the annual household total income. Of course they can make it on that much money. Talking about how “tight” it is while going on yearly vacations is insulting to people who make an average salary and can’t get by on one income in the household. So the rest of us are failures if both of us have to work, and our total yearly salary is $41000? Because they can make it on one salary of $95000, there’s no excuse we can’t make it on about $20000? Anyone who thinks like this is pathetic and should be ashamed of themselves for not seeing how wealthy they really are and for being so out of touch with reality.
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Ceecee and Trevor, I think it really does depend on where you live. In our area, you would be filthy rich to be making $95K. I mean, most houses are well under that amount, and most people make more like what CeeCee is making –$20K. We are a one and a half income family
making just under 40K last year, with dh working full time, doing some part time consulting, and me doing part time web design and freelance writing.
However, I know that if the author was in Southern California, she’d be middle class. If she were in New York City she’d also be middle class, and I am sure in other parts of the USA she’d be middle class, because of the variations of cost of living. They recently said that you have to make at least 6 figures in NYC to live a middle class lifestyle, so maybe she is living in an expensive part of the country. Not all of the USA is created equally. I live in a county of Michigan with the highest unemployment rate, and most of the houses in our town are in foreclosure…and where I live, if I made $95K, I’d feel like a Rockerfeller
because I’ve lived on less than half that for so long.
Mrs. Darling’s advice however is sound. Like you, CeeCee, I cringed at some of those numbers because I have to make due on way far less than what she mentions, however her principles work no matter the income level, and whether you are one income or two.
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I have found the guy of my dreams…we have been together for just over a year! I have 2 kids from different relationships and would dearly love to begin a new life with this guy. He is wonderful and we have a great rerlationship. We want to move in together but we have hit a brick wall. I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years until my youngest goes to kindy, so I don’t have alot of savings or anything to keep up with bills. Family payments keep a roof over my head but i am struggling with money. I’m not a big spender, I believe you should only buy what you can afford and pay CASH. I don’t own any credit cards. I have been living on a strict budget for the last 14 years so I know how to spend my money wisely.
Thing is, when me and my partner move in together I lose all my benefits and it will put instant pressure on our relationship. How do we survive?
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Mel, does the guy agree with supporting you and YOUR kids? That’s important. He might not want to work his butt off to support someone else’s kids. If he doesn’t want to, then your relationship won’t survive.
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He doesn’t mind, but I want everything to be equal, I am responsible for my kids..I don’t believe he should do what their fathers should take responsibility for though…
He’s by no means a slacker and is not denying his responsibilities..I just don’t want the pressure when we start out? We are just trying to make sense of it all…
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Well, the truth is that if you aren’t working, then he and their fathers will be taking responsibility for their financial needs. When a mother and father live together and the mother stays at home, what each parent provides is different, though only one is putting food on the table and a roof over heads. This entire responsibility will be shared between other men, including one who isn’t the father. You won’t be able to expect the court to pass the financial burden that is your half onto the fathers just because you’re a stay-at-home mom. So what you don’t provide financially will be passed to this other man. As you will be willfully unemployed, his income might even be used when factoring child support. If the fathers were unemployed by choice and supported by new wives, then their wives’ income can be used for child support! It’s a way to prevent parents from claiming zero income to shirk child support.
Since you won’t be working, but are receiving child support, you had better consult with an attorney right now. The financial repercussions can extend far beyond losing government benefits. It will likely be cheaper to pay for a couple hours of an attorney’s time than to try to skip this expense. It’s not cheap, but you could end up getting a lot less in child support than the cost of an attorney.
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I understand people’s frustration with Ms Darling’s article. In some ways, she does leave the impression that “I could do, why can’t you?” But this is understanable given the nature of her message! The problem is more that she placed her emphasis on her current circumstance than the climb it took to get there.
My parents also are blessed in that when they retired in the last decade the were making 65-70k each! I mean WOW! But I also know their house payment was only $238/month. Back in 1975 this was a LOT of money! Now, it’s peanuts in this area (SF, CA). My husband and I were lucky enough to qualify for government aid when buying our first home-in order to qualify for the aid, we had to make less than 53k a year. In order to be approved for the loan amount we had to make more than $52,500 a year. We were exceptionally lucky to have made $52,800 that year and got 90k at 5% interest from the government that we must repay in 30 years when our first mortgage is up. Not fun, but better than tossing money away in rent every month. I know for many of you reading this that $52k a year is a dream salary, but here in the SF bay area, it’s just enough to get by. I work 3 days a week to maintain health benefits for our family (f, sa, sun)and he works full time m-f. We’re lucky to have no childcare as my mom and son’s godmother take it in turns to watch him on fridays while I work. I say this to show that life is different for everyone and Ms Darling’s advice comes from someone at the end of the journey which can be daunting to those of use down at the bottom of the mountain with a heavy pack of debt. Perhaps we all need to remember that the important thing here is not to try to knock her off her higher perch, but to keep putting one step in front of the other as we climb. If, like me, seeing someone higher up inspires jealousy, then focus on your own path or ask them for one specific piece of advice they used when they were in your position on the climb. Ms. Darling does need to remember she is on the top looking down at us given her position in life. Perhaps she should channel her old self a bit more as she writes?
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Liz, I understand on San Francisco! We were paying $2,000 for a tiny apartment, 600sq.ft., and were lucky to pay so “little.”
Ms. Darling’s message here is condescending though. If she can do it on one salary (a substantial one, even for her area, her income is high), then no one else has an excuse to not do the same. But not everyone has enough money coming in to do home additions and take yearly vacations.
In my home, we ARE doing it on one salary. We live in a very expensive area in Southern California now, and my husband makes $16/hr. We are parents. Why aren’t we patting ourselves on the back? Because we know we are lucky still. It could be conceited for us to praise ourselves, and expect others to do the same, when we have been lucky to not need debt to put food on the table. So we don’t have credit cards. We have been lucky to find a reliable used car. We have been lucky in so many ways.
Show me a family getting by on barely over minimum wage with only one person working. That’s a family worthy of praise, not a woman whose family income places them in the wealthiest 5% in this country. Sure I’m envious that they have so much money, but I am extremely annoyed that this wealthy woman is sitting on that perch telling everyone else that there’s no excuse to not be able to do what they do.
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I have just a couple comments on this article. First of all, while I can see how proud Mrs. Darling must feel to have made it through all her hardships, I can also see it from the other angle. I, too, have come from poverty, and never had much of anything growing up. My parents did the best with what they made, my grandma made most of my clothes, and still I was generally a happy child. Of course, it bothered me that all my friends growing up could pay for their school lunches and I had to bring a mayonnaise sandwich to eat.
Despite all that, having lived on a small income (although, it was my parents and not mine at the time), I have managed to slowly make my way to where I am today. From age 15 I worked at least part time. And, while working at a local pizza shop wasn’t the most desirable, it got me all the things I needed as a teenager. So, then came high school graduation, and a pizza place just wasn’t going to cut it. I was pretty good at school, but didn’t feel I could afford to go to college. It also did not help that I waited until the last moment to apply for the school and scholarships/grants.
At the end of my senior year, I decided to join the military. I was able to get into intelligence analysis! So, July of 2003 I went to boot camp, and that’s really where it all changed for me. I had a family in the military, I met my husband in 2005 and we are married now with three children. I won’t sugar coat it and say that soldiers are paid well, but you can certainly get by! And, what beats free health care? Now, my husband and I are both out of the military, and have been very fortunate to find a nice paying job in the civilian world. I went from making 18k/yr at a pizza place when I was 18, to our total income being roughly 140k/yr and I’m only 24. Granted, I have worked very hard to get into the position I am in now. I’m not saying that the military is an option for everyone, whether you have disabilities, religous views or whatnot, but having a family and making a good living can be achieved if you work hard at it. Now, the military is not ideal for everyone, but maybe look into it if you feel you don’t have the skills necessary to get that great big house you’ve always dreamed of. For what it’s worth, I’m not there yet!
I do not own my own home yet, and I do have car loans. We are working day by day at obtaining our goals, and I believe that everyone can. Like I said, this doesn’t come without sacrifice. I work at all hours of the night, work alot of weekends, and am trying to slowly get my degree at the same time. I can totally relate to everybody that mentioned that the cost of living is very high in certain areas. That is absolutely true. I live in the DC/MD area, and 250k for a house is dirt cheap. I guess, I’m not sure what I was going for by making this post, but I just wanted to share my story. We all are doing our little piece to make a better lives for ourselves, and this is how I’m doing it. Maybe it will help someone else out, that’s all I can hope for. I know there are always goverment jobs out there. I realize that not every state or city has them, but that’s where the military can come into play. They teach you to do a great skill, and pay you while you train! I can not be more thankful that my 18yr old self made the decision to sign those papers that day. And, it was tough! I had to fight through many hardships, even in the military! It was certainly no cakewalk!
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Personally I’d like to see an article about living on a single income as a single parent. I have a three year old and because I have to work to put food on the table, that means I also have the childcare expenses. I have no family near me, so no benefits there. I have a job that pays average wage which I’m fortunate to be in. But it does mean I’m doing the single income thing without having the benefit of a person at home to provide the ‘unpaid’ work – the free childcare, the garden, the time to make things, fix things etc. We are away from home 11-12 hours a day – a long day for a little one. By the time she’s fed and in bed, and the housework is done it can be going on midnight. Oh yes, i’m also doing a post grad (fully funded by me) because I was made redundant and have had to start at the bottom in a new career at the age of 38 like so many others. Have I made bad choices in the past, absolutely, can I do better, absolutely, that’s why I look in on this blog. But every time I read I’m doing it on a single income, it’s always a situation of a two parent family making those savings with the one parent at home. There are a lot of us single parent families out there, I’d really appreciate something that recognised the double negative we were carrying (one income but also the expenses of the two income family) and provided some hints specially targeted to us.
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This article makes a couple of decent points, but isn’t about raising a family on one income. “One income” is a deceptive term to begin with because some families are struggling on two minimum wage incomes while some “one income families” are well into the upper class bracket financially. If you are part of a two income household expecting your first baby that is just above the poverty line and are trying to figure out a way for the mother to be able to be a full-time mom once the baby is here this article provides no useful information.
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Nick, that’s what I think too. A family with a single income over $100,000 can’t compare to a family with dual income that’s the national average of $36,000. Plenty of millionaires get by on one salary. What information could the non-working spouse offer to the general public about getting by on one income?
As Michelle said, I’d also like to see an article about a single parent on a single income. While I’m not a single parent, I’m a stay-at-home-mom, and money can be pretty dang tight, yet I know we’re lucky to not have to worry about childcare. Whatever advice there would be for a single-parent-single-income household would most likely be of benefit to single-income-two-parent households as well. But an article about a family making more than three times the national household average can’t compare it’s “struggles” to those of an average family.
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For all those who complain about how rough it is or how little you make to raise your family, your gonna have to suck it up. There are always choices a little family pre-planning and good career choices can help.
You could get college loans or grants and get degree. If you cant do that go into military and learn a skill like others have posted. High inflation areas, move out, maybe one state over ( that is tought but If you want that family and financial breathing room, do it). And if you still feel you cant financially cut it, dont have kids, or put having them off until you get yourself in a better place cause its not fair to the kids if your always struggling. To those who had unplanned kids sorry, but that is your mistake, dont cry about how rough it is.
I know, I sound like an ass, but seriously, planning over a period of time = better family income.
At 19 I worked for a small company that paid minumum wage but had college tuition assistance program. I worked full time, did college part time had an associates degree in 4 years. Got a job in the area I majored, paid better money, used their tuition assistance and earned my bachelors degree part time. I make a good living and at 30 wife and I are ready for family.
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Raggy, how fortunate you are to have the money available to just up and move and be assured of a job right away in a new area. What about those who planned their families, had good careers, the were laid off when the economy went south? Put the kids up for adoption? Yes, you are an ass. You are talking from a position of privilege. Many people don’t have the money to move to another state, and many people who are highly skilled can’t find jobs. I agree people who don’t think they can cut it shouldn’t have kids and if someone has an unplanned pregnancy to not complain because birth control isn’t 100%, but not everyone who is struggling simply didn’t plan. Workers don’t get to control who is paid off and who isn’t. When someone’s laid off, with it taking a year or more to find a job, that ol’ six-month cushion isn’t even enough.
Before you start thinking I must be one of those struggling, I’m 29, my fiance is 27, we have a house, a nice car, a couple dogs, a white picket fence, have a bunch of high-priced electronics, and live a few blocks from the beach in a California destination town. He’s got a steady job with another company planning to hire him in a couple months as soon as some business stuff is taken care off for 3x what he makes now (this will put his income into six figures), and I have a small business that brings in a good bit of money. Each of us brings in more money than the average entire American household (and I work from home to boot!), and neither of us did it with a college degree. So we’re lucky. We know it. But we still understand that it’s not as easy as just moving. That takes money a lot of people don’t have.
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Raggy, I am worried for you because with your very nasty attitude (the same one I had 10 years ago, by the way), you are primed and ready to learn a lesson the hard way.
First of all though, I want to say that if you are having financial trouble (or even if you aren’t) the all time worst advice in the world is borrowing money for college. Jobs are no longer a guarantee. There’s lots of people with degrees serving coffee at Starbucks.
Dear husband and I were earning decent money, planned it all out, saved well, bought a house well under what we were pre-approved for, and well under what most houses were going for at the time, paid cash for cars, and had done a lot of wise planning. And wise planning is good…but life does happen to the best of us, even with wise planning.
Ten years ago, my husband went in to work and the place was closed. No warning, no nothing. They just went out of business and decided it was easier (for them) to give no warning. Jerks. Husband took a new job but couldn’t find any jobs with comparable pay. We went from him earning 6 figures to earning $30,000. I know it seems absurd. The manufacturing sector, with once awesome paying jobs for mechanically inclined people like my husband, is now largely outsourced overseas. He’s learned new skills, and had to advance in his training, but that is not at all easy when you already have a family to care for.
Put yourself on those shoes, Raggy. Some day you too may wake up and realize that your job has been outsourced to some guy happy to make a dollar a week, and so you suddenly have to go back to school while supporting your family, and somehow keeping up with other responsibilities (mortgage, groceries, dental bills for the kids, etc.)
Since that time, we have upped our income only because he is a smart guy, very skilled, and very driven. He does consulting, he freelances his skilled tradesman skills to other shops that can’t afford to hire him full time. He’s gotten raises at new jobs.
Raggy, I urge caution. At 30, having done it all right, and having planned wisely, you are rightly patting yourself on the back for a job well done. And hey, that’s better than the morons who don’t plan and expect government to take care of them, and whine about their circumstances, not realizing that failure to plan is planning to fail. I admire that about you, but please, be cautious about the ATTITUDE you are displaying, because life may one day slap you upside the head too, and you may also find the bottom falling out of your plans.
In that same thread, at thirty, we had it all planned out. We did the right things. We were well on our way, and the bottom fell out of our lives. You can plan only so much, but life happens, and thanks to the low life’s who bought houses they couldn’t afford, my beautiful home is now not even worth the mobile home I used to live in. Thanks to all of this in the economy, our retirement fund is frighteningly lower, and our savings account is pathetic…and next year we have a kid graduating high school and looking at college. Thankfully we were able to put something aside before our income drop…but much of this was circumstances beyond our control, which you may one day also face.
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Ms. Darling-
I absolutely loved this article. I am back at work now after living at home for over twenty years and so much of what you say is good advice. I hope that people can get over their disagreements with you to see and value the wisdom that you are sharing.
When I first quit to stay home with my children, our mortgage took up over half of our income. It was a very small house, only 1000 square feet. To afford staying home, I had my hair cut at a beauty school, nursed the baby, washed diapers, and even cut up and hemmed an old nightgown to use as baby wipes. Our clothing and sheets were line-dried so that I did not have to pay to run the dryer. I learned to shop loss-leaders, cook from scratch, make my own baby food, garage sale shop, and garden. We did not have a designer nursery. A crib, a mat on a dresser, and a few bookshelves served us well. I sewed matching crib quilts, curtains, and chair pads for the rocker that had been my mom’s when I was a baby. I sewed for the children, but also learned to garage sale. I did and do use thrift shops like Goodwill, but they are slightly more expensive than garage sales.
Often, we look for reasons that we cannot do what we say we want to do instead of ways that we can do it. For instance, I am back at college on a full scholarship right now. One of the ladies in our cohort swears she cannot afford to pay for printing. However, she can afford to go out to lunch every day. I pack my own lunch and pay for the printing out of pocket. It is all a matter of perspective.
Everyone makes their own choices when it comes to what they are and are not willing and able to do to save money. You gave some stellar advice and I hope that people will listen to it.
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I say it is plenty doable and commend her on not letting worldly desires consume her home. Yes its nice to have everything new and up to date, but why if its not even necessary. I am a frugal person by nature and unfortunately my husband still has some things to learn, but he’s slowly making progress. We live off of a one person income and right now its only five of us until 2 weeks from now when we will be joined by another little one. My husband and I come from two backgrounds where his family struggled to make it and me well my mother and father were well to do. Now my two older girls are becoming influenced by the school children who say you have to have brand name everything to fit in, but I tell them that many of those kids who have brand name things don’t appreciate what they have or have parents who may work more than one job and barely get to see their children. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a permanent stay at home mom. I am doing this until I finish up my degree in Nursing, but slowly. I do enjoy watching my kids grow on a day to day basis and now the daycare cost is so ridiculous anyways. What we pay in rent is what it would cost a week for just the new infant and my 2 yr old. That right there is a huge savings plus I have always believed no one takes better care of your children than you or maybe grandma, but unfortunately my mom does not live in the same state as me. So frugality is where it’s at.
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Hats off to those of you who can live on $30K. With the third kid on the way, I have been playing with the budget to see if there is any way I can stay home after I finish paying off my school loans next year. With my husbands $40K, with absolutely no extras, no debt except our very small home loan (cheaper than rent), I see no way unless we eat only two meals a day.
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