Ask the Readers: How Much Should I Spend on an Engagement Ring?
Published on - April 27th, 2007 (by J.D. Roth) Jim N. writes with a question that most frugal young gentlemen eventually face.
How much should I pay for an engagement ring? I realize that the ideal answer is, “Don’t spend a lot on the ring because she shouldn’t need material objects to realize you love her.” I agree, but that’s not very realistic. I want to buy her something very nice that she’ll be proud of, but I don’t know if I should try to pay cash, get a loan from the bank, etc.
This question falls precisely at that point where money decisions meet psychology and emotion.
It’s often said that a man should spend twice his monthly salary on a ring, but I have a strong suspicion that this is a marketing ploy from the diamond industry. (Which brings up another point: there’s no rule that you must give a diamond engagement ring.)
How should you pay for the ring? It’s best to pay cash, of course, but that can be difficult for a young man making his start in the world. And remember: you can often negotiate the price of an engagement ring. (Some people claim that buying an engagement ring is just like buying a car.)
I don’t recall how Kris and I set our budget when we went to buy her ring, but I know that I only spent $350. We were still in college, so this probably did represent twice my monthly salary, but that’s not why we chose it. We chose it because it was the ring that Kris liked best. I promptly charged it to my credit card. (If I were buying an engagement ring today, I would save for it.)
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Try vintage! Avoid the messy question of conflict diamonds, don’t encourage more strip mining and maybe even save a little money! Plus, vintage jewelry has that wonderful “storied” feel to it.
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Something from the woman’s perspective… before my husband bought the ring, I made it very clear to him that I wanted a sapphire and not a diamond. They are rarer than diamonds and don’t line the pockets of the diamond cartel. He got me a 2.5 carat sapphire ring for a fraction of the price a diamond would cost and I get compliments on it all the time. My point is – an engagement ring is a very personal thing to a woman adn you should get her something she likes and wants to wear. If she is the type of woman that wants something beyond your means, you may want to reconsider marriage as this will translate to other issues later.
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I did not want a diamond engagement ring at all. I also can’t imagine my husband spending that much money on any type of jewelry, but then I am very practical. I asked for jade because of the history of it and he gave me a beautiful one of a kind jade ring that his mother owned.
The diamond industry is bogus.
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Anything that you spend alot of money on you should research first and educate yourself on so that you know what you’re doing.
Read the pricescope.com forums. Those guys are knowledgeable and you will not only learn about diamonds, but also the price/quality/beauty trade off. There’s actually a pretty good price performance benefit of getting an SI1 or 2 gem with a less clear color rating. Where you are getting an incredible stone that looks magnificent, for a very affordable price. Become a diamond expert. Your significant other will appreciate that you spent so much time hunting for the right stone and that you know exactly what you’re doing that she will trust what stone you decide to get. I did this and the stone I picked out was most appreciated, and I have the peace of mind knowing that I didn’t overspend, and got a good deal.
Sidenote: don’t buy from a mall jeweler, nor a chain jeweler. My best friend works in a diamond store in here in Atlanta. The markups are crazy high, and no matter what kind of a ‘deal’ you get, the dealers are still making money. For example a 1.01 carat F color, VS1, princess cut diamond with a 1.0 L:W ratio that has Ex/Ex polish/symmetry might have a sticker price of 10k. They will target to sell at 8k. They won’t let it go for less than 6k. At 6k they’re still doubling their investment (cost is $3k). The list price tends to be in the ballpark of 3x the average cost (this is a rule of thumb, additionally diamonds are bought in batches/bulk typically).
The point is, do research, and find something that fits your budget. DO NOT try to fit your budget to a stone that you ‘fall in love with’, that’s just dumb and irrational. pricescope.com. Go there.
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I’m not a very materialistic person (except for computer gear and gadgets I suppose) so I never understood wanting to spend thousands of dollars on a piece of jewelery. Even if it’s supposed to impress your girlfriend. To me, the ring and even the wedding aren’t the important parts, it’s the relationship.
I bought my wife a pretty white gold /silver ring with no stone from one of the Indian jewelery places here in Albuquerque. I think it cost $60, reduced from $80 when the owner asked me what it was for, and it got the job done just as well as any X-thousand dollar diamond job. She loved it, but mostly loved the sentiment and commitment it represented. When I hear stories of women basically demanding expensive diamonds (my wife has a friend whose girlfriend made him return the $2000 ring he’d bought and buy a $3500 ring because she didn’t like the original one) I just feel sorry for both of the people in the relationship. If you can’t get married without spending double your paycheck on a engagement ring (which she might not ever wear again after the wedding), you need to reexamine your priorities.
Even without looking at the moral problems with diamonds and the fact that the diamond’s connection to marriage is a marketing scam, there’s no reason at all to spend a ton of money on rings.
Even for our wedding rings, we bought matching titanium rings from the awesome Statman Designs for $350 each (I think) and love them. I wouldn’t redo or rethink how I did the rings for anything.
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Oh, and get them to kick the band in for free.
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Others have mentioned loose stones and pawn shops, but here’s another option, especially if you’re of Irish heritage: Claddagh rings.
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Definitely, definitely ask your girlfriend what her desires are. If you want it to be a total surprise, then ask relatives and friends and really THINK about what her desires are.
If you get her a fake diamond, her reaction might be less, “Oh, give me a kiss, you financially savvy hunk!” and more like, “I can’t believe you’re so cheap. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
Then again, if you go all out and get her a 3-carat center stone with pave diamonds all around the band, her reaction might be less, “Oh, your love is so extravagant, I feel so special!” and more like, “Don’t you know that we could have spent that money on a new computer?”
That 2-months-salary business is garbage. Just forget it. My fiance put it like this: “That’s not a display of love, that’s a display of power.”
~Q
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The whole diamond thing is garbage. How does my love for my fiance mean more or less if I buy her a big piece of carbon that could be better manufactured in a lab?
When my fiance and I were engaged, we went shopping for a ring together. We made our decision based on what we both loved and what meant the most to us, not cost or size.
Another couple I know chose to forego the whole ring thing and put the money away towards a downpayment on their first house. That meant a lot more to them than a ring.
GJ
http://www.60in3.com
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No one said if you spend less money on the ring that you love her more or less. Its all about what she wants.
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don’t fall for the 3-4 months salary hype!
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i had a discussion about this with one of my lady friends a couple of years back.. she said when she gets married.. she wants at least a 2 carat minimum.. 3 carat preferred!
are you kidding me!? i don’t see myself spending 20k on a damn ring.. when you can use that for a down payment on a home
her reasoning was that it’s the only piece of jewelry she’ll wear for the rest of her life so she wants it to be worth something.. she said she’d rather have the nice ring rather than an expensive wedding if she had a choice
yet and still.. if a woman really loves me.. the price and size of the rock shouldn’t matter
i still wear the $100 ring my high school sweetie gave me years ago.. that’s worth more to me than a big ass diamond!
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Just because a women wants a big ring doesn’t mean that she loves her man any less. Just because your husband got you a cheap ring, don’t act like people that spend more money on a ring love each other less.
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Well, you could always spend the same amount on a diamond engagement ring as you do for her leg manacle.
Okay, that was not helpful, but consider what the impetus is to buy/wear a ring and the historical context. A ring does symbolize ownership and I think that is an archaic notion that needs serious consideration before just jumping on the “buy her a diamond” marketing bandwagon. If you must have rings, consider buying something made locally with a local, sustainably mined gem. What! No diamond mines near your house? Maybe rings aren’t the way to go then. Good luck with your decision.
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I would definitely not take a loan out for buying a ring but I would definitely spend a decent amount on one. A couple months salary could be a bit much but maybe one month?
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I would say spend as much as you want to, but stay out of the stores. When it came time for me to buy an engagement ring I found a custom designer and he and I worked out a price and he is making sure I get the ring of our dreams. In addition, we are supporting a local artist and I can be sure that he is getting materials from ethical sources.
His site is http://www.jameshuntdesigns.com/
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I picked up one of the giant 3 foot tall piggy banks, it was a Capt Morgan bottle. I told myself I wouldn’t ask her to marry me until I had filled it up to help pay for the rings. All of my change from every purchase I made and misc bills when into the bottle. It took me a year, but when I finished counting I had $1400. About $800 in change and $600 in cash.
The money almost covered the cost of both her rings and the year of saving for it made me take the time to really think about what we were doing. It wasn’t the most efficient method, but it worked really well.
-Tim
P.S. There were also a few times where it was a great stress reliver to go out to the bank and get a roll of quarters just so I could go home and add some more to the bottle.
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JR post #54 is right. pricescope.com will help you be a diamond expert. i bought my ring for $9k and was appraised for $17k. yes, i know its just a ring and spending so much on something to look at isn’t wise. i don’t regret one bit, since i can afford it, i paid cash and saved up for it. best advice, spend what you are comfortable spending. but don’t be so cheap either, afterall, you want to make her happy.
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This may not help, but will give you an idea of how wedding rings are done in other parts of the world.
My first husband and I followed a tradition common in many European nations — instead of an engagement ring separate from the wedding ring, we bought one ring which I wore on my right hand until the wedding, when it was switched to the left. We liked linking to this European tradition and feeling a part of our heritage.
Also, I didn’t want a traditional diamond ring so we went with a sapphire surrounded by diamonds. Needless to say, neither one of us was a traditionalist. We both liked to be creative with things.
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I was looking at giving my wife a ruby engagement ring, but in my search my dad offered me my mother’s engagement ring – the same ring that was given to my grandmother. We want to keep it in the family and start a tradition to pass it on to my future son as well.
It’s free, it’s unique, and it’s an older ring – one with a good history, and a good story.
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I would say, spend as much as you have to to get something durable. Like some of the other commenters, I don’t particularly care for diamonds, not only because of the ethical issues (although that is a factor), but simply because there are much prettier stones available. If you want to check out some more ethical jewelry (at only slightly higher prices), go to http://www.greenkarat.com. They use lab-created precious stones and recycled metal and diamonds in all their jewelry. Personally, I think the lab-created diamonds are prettier than the natural ones (and they’re cheaper).
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What Don said! When my now-fiance and I started talking about marriage I told him under no circumstances should he buy a ring because my family had at least one heirloom ring that they intended me to have. As it turned out, he ended up surprising me with a ring from his grandmother.
Diamonds are forever. People are not. Do the math.
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I have been hinting at my man for a ring (I am a woman, the nick is deceiving). I ask for one of:
1) Reuse my old ring that was damaged in a cement and wheelbarrow accident
2) A ring from a crackerjack box
3) A cheap & simple non diamond platinum ring
Actually, the posts above bring up a good question – what does a woman ask for if she doesn’t want to purchase an extra ring, especially a diamond ring but only want the wedding band? Hmmm.
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FWIW, this Atlantic article is an old (I’d really like to know what happened next) but engrossing expose of the diamond business’s marketing schemes:
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?
(via Blueprint for Financial Prosperity, a while ago now…)
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My engagement/wedding ring is a diamond from my husband’s great-aunt’s ring. It’s a beautiful stone from the 20s, much nicer than anything we could have afforded new when we got married. We had it set directly on my wedding band. The old setting was beautiful, but a) people had MUCH smaller fingers in the 20s; and b) after having been worn for 50 years or so, the back of it was nearly worn through.
We had a very frugal wedding–I bought a truly awful dress and we ran off to a little vacation town in the next state. I don’t think we ended up charging anything on our credit cards, because we had set up a separate savings account for wedding stuff and I had just inherited a couple thousand dollars.
Every year on my anniversary (and every time I accidentally catch parts of Four Weddings and a Funeral) I do wish we had done it up just a little more; friends and family would have been nice, and I would love to have had a gorgeous dress and big pink roses, and gotten married in my hometown. My husband would have been fine with that, but at the time I had just been to several expensive weddings and had observed that in many cases the happiness of the marriage seemed to be inversely proportional to the amount the couple spent on the wedding, so I was adamantly opposed to having a big fancy wedding. We’ve been exceptionally happy over the last 13 years, so maybe there’s something to that, but I still covet those damned cabbage roses.
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Okay, now that we’re reminiscin’…my weddings (I was widowed from my first hubbie) were both very frugal, too. My first dress cost $120 from JCPenney, was very flattering in its simplicity, and I got lots of compliments on it. My second dress was made by a seamstress friend who donated her services and was gorgeous yet also simple. Both times we focused on ways to have fun with our friends and family while honoring the spiritual element of the events. I wasn’t nearly as stressed out as many brides are because the emphasis was on fun, not impressing people.
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We used an heirloom ring passed down to my wife through her family. Of course I was unemployed at the time so free really was twice my salary.
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There is no more stupid purchase than jewelry, in my opinion. My husband got the wedding bands and we have worn them since we eloped. My ring is really the only jewelry I wear.
All that said, I used to work at Blue Nile. They are nice there.
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NEGOTIATE! NEGOTIATE!
My partner and I wanted matching wedding bands that would look good with our very different engagement rings (we both did rings; I gave her a family ring).
After trying on dozens, before talking about budget, the only one we liked was $1200. While I do think it’s worth splurging on a piece of jewelry you plan to wear EVERY DAY for the rest of your LIFE, no way could we afford that much.
I had a work trip to NYC coming up, and went to the diamond district while I was there. We decided that we could afford a total of $1200 for both of us.
In the 3rd or 4th store, I found rings very similar to the one we’d liked.
Salesman: That’s $900.
Me: What kind of price could you give me for 2 identical?
Salesman: If you buy 2, I could give them to you for $590 each.
Me: Sold.
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Incidentally, the $1180 for our wedding bands is included in our budget of $8k for a lovely wedding and reception for 110 people.
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It pays to know a jeweler. When I decided to propose, I talked to my friend who gave me the ring at whole sale price. The markup on Jewelry is ridiculous.
I’d also add that it can help to have a wife the doesn’t care about jewelry. My wife actually asked me NOT to get her a big diamond. She didn’t see the reasoning behind me spending so much $$ on a material thing..
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As a few mentioned, PriceScope.com should be the start and end of your diamond search. Their search engine covers many dealers and their forums are second to none. When I ended up taking mine to the appraiser, he couldn’t believe that I paid less for the diamond than he could on the NY Diamond Exchange. Yet he certified that it was indeed real and matched the certificate. The guys at Abazias took care of me, but I had a friend who had as good luck with UnionDiamond and others in the pricescope forums.
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I second the Moissanite suggestion. My roommate just got engaged and her moissanite ring is BEAUTIFUL. Can’t even tell it’s not a real diamond.
And if you’re the type who likes huge stones, you can get 2-3 carats of moissanite for the price of half a carat of diamond.
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In the old days i.e. pre WWI, engagement rings weren’t necessary. My father taught me that there is no point in buying bad gems and that it’s better to buy nothing at all. So if you have to have a ring to keep the butterflies from landing on you, just get a stainless steel wedding band for $29 from Amazon.com.
My answer: $500 is too much money! You’ll never be able to sell it for that much anyway so just go with the $29 rustproof surgical steel option.
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I have an absolutely wonderful wife. According to our religious traditions, any sort of jewelry was optional. So, since I had access to a family heirloom diamond (and since my fiance’ had explicitly asked for a smaller stone), we had it set in a ring for her and got a matching band (sans stone) for me. I think the total was about 2 weeks wages for me … or somewhat less. And I had a crummy job at the time.
We are married to each other, not the jewelry. We take a dim view of expensive rings and short marriages.
Our focus is on the marriage and we don’t try to measure our commitment to each other on an accountants ledger sheet. Six years later, so far, so good.
Frankly, even if I had a ton of money, if a woman was not willing to accept a small ring as a token of a larger commitment, I think I’d keep looking.
She gets a steady stream of small gifts from me … and will for as long as I can give them. But we walked away from our wedding with each other, not half a jewelry store.
Bill
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How much to spend is a personal decision and it does depend on what the ring symbolizes to the couple. Definitely the best thing to do is to pay cash. The second best thing to do is to take out a personal loan with a 12 month or shorter payoff schedule so that by the time the marriage begins the ring is not still a debt.
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You know I was just looking at watches with a cheapskate when it comes to me (as in why did you spend $8 on a cooking spoon?) and he doesn’t want anything less than a $1700 watch. How many “generous” fiances begrudge springing that much for an engagement ring but have no problem with a “decent” $2000 watch or an adequate $2000 tv/stereo system. It’s really about perspective when affordability is not the issue.
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The answer is simple: you should spend however much your significant other expects you to spend.
Personally, I favor proposing via a cheap ring, and then saving the money for the actual wedding rings, and not having a lengthy engagement.
And not spending money on natural diamonds.
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As Allie’s lucky husband, I feel fortunate we avoided the formal wedding entirely. We have titanium/sterling silver wedding bands which I think cost perhaps $300 for the pair. We had them custom made out of New Zealand, of all places.
People should spend whatever they want, of course, but as someone noted above, you’d be super foolish to choose between a fancy wedding/jewelery and a down payment on a house, if you couldn’t do both.
The most beautiful (and expensive) traditional ceremony I went to ended with divorce six months later (!)–imagine how that must feel to see that $100K flushed away.
The other thing to keep in mind is that jewelery has essentially zero resale. Have you noticed that ALL used ring and other trinket ads say “appraised at $xxx, sell for $xxx/2″ or even less? It’s like wedding dresses–spend the money if it pleases you but don’t expect to ever see it again. Or for your daughter to want to wear it.
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When we first talked about getting engaged I said I wanted amethyst in my ring because it is the stone I wear the most. However I could not find a ring I liked and told my boyfriend that I would rather not have an engagement ring than one I did not love.
In the end I did find one I loved which was about 50 years old and was being sold in the independent jewellers who had originally made it. However it was significantly more than I expected my boyfriend to pay so I told him that I was willing to contribute towards a ring if it meant I got one I love.
About a year later he surprised me by buying the ring I’d seen earlier and I paid for half of it.
We had a wedding ring made to fit around the shape of the diamonds which was a bit more expensive. However we saved some money because my husbands ring was made from scrap stainless steel in a friend’s workshop.
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Before I met my wife, I said I didn’t want to spend more than $500 on a engagement ring. I always thought diamonds were simply, compressed carbon. But all my friends said when I met the girl of my dreams, I will want to buy her the world. I told them that I will find a girl who doesn’t want a silly expensive ring. My friends thought I was silly.
So when I met the woman of my dreams, she thought how I thought, and the engagement ring cost me $18.36 and took me 5 minutes to pick out. She absolutely loved it, and it is perfect. Our wedding bands are similar and are a simple band of titanium. About $250 for both.
That was it. We then spend two weeks on our honeymoon. Buying an expensive ring, to me, is silly. Spend the money on something that will last a lifetime, like memories from a vacation. Or save it for retirement. If the girl wants an expensive ring for status or something like that, what will she want in ten years? Will she want an expensive car or house, or will she want to spend time with you?
IMO, the only reason anyone wants a diamond is because everyone is told they want a diamond. I think it is more special to buy something with meaning, rather than with value. Just my two cents (pun intended).
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I actually like the idea that if you are young or strapped for cash, you should not buy an expensive ring from the start. Think about buying a really nice band and a cubic zirconia at first, with the promise of replacing it with a diamond in ‘x’ years. That way you can have something pretty and you can set a budget for the future goal.
Saving for a Wedding
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My wife and I have been married going on 8 years now, and neither one of us have ever bought the other a ring. My wife says she’ll kill me if I ever buy her a diamond.
I guess we’re an odd couple though. We actually did cancel the wedding and spend the money on the honeymoon instead. My parents didn’t like this. I do understand their desire to see their child get married, but it was not their decision to make.
We’re just not into jewels. We did, on the other hand, buy a $3000 hand made canoe. The romance that it has brought to our lives far out-weighs what we would have gotten from any ring.
But with that said, to each their own. A really nice canoe does it for us. If an expensive ring brings fulfillment to your lives, then that is what you should get. How much should you spend? Enough to get the fulfillment you are after (recognizing that fulfillment can be reversed by financial strain.)
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The most important point in my opinon is that the diamond fit proprotionately with the finger. Anything more than a carat is just plain gawdy, they begin to look like cheesy, trinket jewelry that grandma wears out to parties. Proportionate size is more important than $$. But if you decide to shell out more, put it toward quality, a smaller VVS1 (very very slight inclusion) color D .56 point will always be more impressive than an I2 color H 1.5 carat stone. Ask a jewelry to put them side-by-side and the choice is obvious. Too often I’ve seen men buy large diamonds because they don’t want to appear cheap or they feel the need to impress.
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I sell engagement rings (and I bet reply #4 does too) I agree in general with a lot of the legitimate replies above.
You do not have to spend a fortune to buy something beautiful. Do not go into debt but do remember that one $2.59 coffee a day over the 50 years you will be married comes out to over $45,000. A fine ring is not all that expensive over time.
I am an estate jeweler and I recommend that you look at some of your local antique jewelry stores.
With estate rings you often get a stone and a really nice hand-made mounting for the price of the stone alone or less depending on how the jeweler values the period the ring was made in and what she or he paid for it.
I also agree that other stones make wonderful rings, but I would stick to sapphire and ruby as stones hard enough to take decades of wear and still be there for your grandchildren to wear. Yes, you are getting married and although you are not thinking about it now, you are purchasing an heirloom item of jewelry.
Finally, certification is all well and good but be aware that there is a difference in certs. There is not a well regarded gem lab in the country which will both describe and place a value on a stone. Reputable labs only identify and describe stones.
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We got engaged in November of 1993. We got married in Vegas in March of 1997 for under $1000. He surprised me with an engagement ring in 2005!
Moral of the story: Do what is right for you. Rings and ceremonies do not make a happy marriage. We decided to focus on getting through college and buying our first home – and the ring was secondary. He was so proud to present it to me – 12 years after getting engaged and 8 years into a thriving marriage – that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
BTW: He saved his own money and did side jobs to pay for it…no debt!
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From experience with my ex-wife and my present girlfriend, I would say price of the ring has absolutely NOTHING to do with the ring. The right ring is the one she likes. It doesn’t matter if you paid a little or a lot, how she feels about it means the most.
I suggest you find a store that has a 30-day return policy. That way, if she doesn’t like the ring, you can get a full refund, or at a minimum, trade it for a ring she does like.
Suprise her with you choice, then let her pick out the one she really likes, and don’t be offended that she likes another one better. At least, you are learning more about her style and she will love you for your flexability and concern for her taste.
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I didn’t buy one at all. We spent about $400 on the wedding bands. We were never really engaged, though, We knew we would get married sometime and did. I also didn’t feel like we should delay the wedding ( another $400 or so) until I could afford a nice ring.
On the other hand I almost feel like if you are getting a ring and have to take out a loan, maybe you cant afford to be married. I feel the same way about expensive weddings.
I have a friend who ( combined with his wife) makes way more money than we do. But he had something like a $800/mo ring payment and spent a lot on a wedding. That combined with other spending probably has them barely meeting the minimums and barely getting by.
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So, Jim N., frugal-soon-to-be-engaged-guy, has any of this helped? You’ve certainly struck a chord with lots of us! My boyfriend is the one who wants to spend money on an engagement ring with diamonds and everything. I think it’s because all of his friends have given their [wives] flash shiny rings. I want something that isn’t going to break if I come off my bike so for me it’ll be a simple titanium band (probably from the same place in NZ as the previous commenter (hard to go past people who had kids in the Olympics)). It will probably be 2-3 grand less than he’s willing to spend. And I had to really talk him round to it! I love the look of a solitaire diamond or lots of little diamonds clustered together but I like it for other people, not for me. I’m in it for the guy, not for what he can buy me. Good luck!
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We did our research by going to the Natural History Museum and went through their gem exhibit. Julie wrote down what she liked, and then we went to a local, private jeweler. We got some very nice blue sapphires (mine’s a little bigger than hers), with some very lovely custom settings for in total, about 2 weeks of my pay.
I suppose I should mention, ladies, that Julie asked me if I wanted an engagement ring. So we got 2 very nice rings for 2 weeks of my pay, though she paid for mine and I paid for hers. And what’s funny is that we have several friends who are engaged and got the diamonds, yet everyone oohhhs over hers.
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I’m not really qualified to answer, but that never stopped me before.
I’d think carefully about how much money you’re willing to wear every day.
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I think you should go all out for the ring or hit the other end of the spectrum and form a paperclip around one’s finger or maybe a ruberband. You only live once. Fake it till you make it. What else is money for after heat, food, and mortgage?
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Harvey,
What good does spending for spending’s sake do for you?
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