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Some Brief Thoughts on Life and Death Print
Friday, 6th July 2007 (by J.D.)This article is about Odds and Ends, Real-Life
My cousin Ron died of cancer last Sunday. He was 47. I spent much of the past two days preparing a video presentation for this afternoon’s memorial service. After scanning and processing scores of photographs, and after talking with family members at the funeral, I’m reminded of three important points. This advice is trite, but it’s important.
- Create a will. I know you’re young, and I know you’re not going to die any time soon, but create a will anyhow. A will provides clear legal instructions regarding your intentions, and is crucial for those with even modest assets.
- Don’t focus on Stuff. When you’re lying on your deathbed, you won’t think, “Damn! I got an iPhone.” You’ll remember your friends, and you’ll remember the experiences you’ve had. Likewise, those who knew you will cherish memories of the time you spent together, not the things you owned.
- Be passionate. Live life with gusto. Whether you love motorcycles or comic books, knitting or basketball, German philosophers or God — pursue your interests with enthusiasm, and share them with others.
It’s true that money is an important part of life, but it’s not the only part. Aim to adopt a sustainable financial lifestyle — live within your means. If you pursue money for its own sake, you’ll miss much of what life has to offer.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
And also, if your state recognizes them, an Advanced Healthcare Directive (aka “living will”).
July 6th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
My condolences. I attended my grandfather’s memorial service just a couple of weeks ago and came away with similar thoughts. My grandfather never had much money, but he had a large, loving group of friends and family.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
My condolences to you and your family. I like #3 advice. I keep telling myself one day one day.
July 6th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Small world JD. My condolences. I attended my uncle’s funeral today. He was around the same age, he had brain cancer. Its sad but its a reality of life. They had a life insurance policy worth 200k..thats a lot of money but what good is money to the kids if they cant enjoy the things that money can do with their father. I agree, all we do is talk about money 24/7 and making more of it, but its not the only thing we should focus on. After all, I don’t think my ATM card is valid in the afterlife.
July 7th, 2007 at 2:05 am
What people will remember the very most is how you treated them. If you made a positive difference no matter how small, if you served others and gave of yourself passionately, that’s what they will remember. It’s what they will talk about, it’s what they will miss, what they will ache for. In turn, it’s what they will want to emulate.
JD - I’m so sorry about your cousin’s death. The gift of your time in preparing the video will, I’m sure never be forgotten.
July 7th, 2007 at 6:26 am
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
July 7th, 2007 at 6:58 am
So sorry about your cousin. I’m sure the video gave people a lot of comfort.
I have recurring disagreements with frugal friends about the amount of travel I do with my family (I’m in Canada, and often meet them on their travels in Europe) …. but at the end of my life (or end of the year!) I know I will look back at those experiences and not regret a single penny of it.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:12 am
I’m sorry to hear about your cousin. I’m glad you’re able to express your love for the family by making the video presentation.
Last year when my mother-in-law died, I got motivated to update my will and health directives. I found great, customizable, inexpensive templates on legacywriter.com. They have different templates for each state.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. 47 is way too young.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:55 am
+memory eternal!
May he find rest where there is no pain nor suffering, but only life unending.
July 7th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Hi JD. I am sorry for your loss.
These things shake us up and bring us closer to our true source. I think #2 and #3 are so important. My father died 3 years ago with no money to pass on to his family but he was so rich in love! He passed on priceless memories and we know he loved us because of the spiritual gifts he gave us in life and death!
Death is not the end. May your family find great comfort in your memories.
: ) Christy
July 7th, 2007 at 11:26 am
JD, my deepest condolences on the loss of your cousin Ron. Thank you for taking the time to share your loss as a way for us to learn.
July 7th, 2007 at 11:31 am
So sorry to hear of your cousin’s premature death. Wills and health care directives are very important. One of the easiest things to do in this life is to follow the directives of our dead and dying loved ones. If you don’t make your wishes absolutely clear, there’s a good chance your loved ones will fight over what they believe you would have wanted.
July 7th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Sorry to hear of your loss. Am currently dealing with my Mother’s recent diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer, and just spent a few days at her house, meeting with lawyer to ensure Will was in place including healthcare surrogate, and talking to financial guy about their investments and the impending flood of doctor bills..to ensure everything is covered.
July 7th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
JD, so sorry to hear about your cousin. Losing someone close to you is never easy. I hope you and your family are well.
mandy
July 7th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
47 is really young… It sounds like you made a very valuable contribution creating a video that will live on for his family and loved-ones, J.D.
Spot on with your 3 points. They are not trite, any more than Shakespeare is full of cliches!
the creation of a will is a wonderful exercise in defining values, and a touchstone to return to as your assets increase. even better than just leaving a legal will, though, is adding an ethical will along side it, which is a summation of what you think is important in life, for your family and descendants. But of course you are doing it for yourself, too - it’s kind of a personal mission statement.
Here’s a description of the process.
http://moneychangesthings.blogspot.com/search?q=ethical+wills
July 7th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
J.D., Sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family tonight and tomorrow at Church. May Ron’s soul rest in Peace!
(Thanks for sharing your meditations on life and death.)
July 7th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
My condolences, JD.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Based on experience, I’d say a durable power of attorney for health care is more valuable than a living will (advanced healthcare directive). Just my experience.
Pick someone you trust who loves you but who could make hard choices if necessary.
July 8th, 2007 at 3:35 am
[...] been reading the blog Get Rich Slowly for some time now. While I usually get financial tips from this blog, an entry from last Friday [...]
July 8th, 2007 at 7:51 am
i am sorry to hear of the death of your loved one. no death is easy, but a lesson in living. i don’t think your notes are trite at all. many people have not tasted death close at all, and know nothing of the changes it will cause. thank you for taking the time to share this message with everyone. although our lives are lived in a strangely different way, we should combine 2 and 3 everyday. nothing else will matter.
July 8th, 2007 at 8:25 am
I’ve heard more stories than I care to remember about people fighting over inheritance and money. Some avoidable, such as how to split a large inheritance other not, such as the family member who rushed to the house before the body was even cold and cleaned everything out.
Where facing the same situation with my parents and I’ve started talking with my brother who is the excutor on who he will handle everything. It’s pretty straight forward as everything get’s split 5 ways. More worsome is the fighting over household contents.
July 8th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
My condolences also. Possessions are trivial compared against friends and relatives.
July 8th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Oh geez. I’m so sorry for your loss. At any age, the loss of a loved one can be difficult.
I do want to support your first commenter’s position that an advanced directive is very important. Please discuss “Do Not Resuscitate” orders (which is the layman’s term for advanced directives) with your loved ones so that you know what that means and what they want.
Today I had a guest at my home who is a physician. We were talking about my dad’s stroke last year and the DNR we signed for him. Basically the physician explained to me that most of the time a patient who is coding will not fare well after being revived. Chances are likely they will be of diminished capacity and likely to be on life support after it is done. If quality of life matters to you or your readers, they may wish to consider that.
My own family feels that quality of life is very important and so no extraordinary measures were to be taken after the first few attempts. It’s not like on TV where they charge the paddles once or twice and the person is suddenly alive again so talk to your doctors about it. I find it a rather gruesome subject so I won’t discuss it here, but will encourage everyone to find out more and educate themselves to make their own choices. It’s not easy.
I am really sorry for the loss, JD. I hope the best for you and your family.
July 8th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
So sorry JD. I think that the three points you came up with are perfect. Very practical, yet also a good reminder about what it’s really all about.
July 9th, 2007 at 7:15 am
Sorry to hear about your cousin. And those are indeed 3 very important points. Thanks.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Sorry to hear about your cousin JD. I’ve actually had “create a will” on my to do list for months but the frugal me keeps putting it off because I don’t want to break down and pay a lawyer $700 to create one. I took a book out of the library called the Nolo Simple Will book but never actually found the time to read it. Is there any easy way to do this if you are absolutely lazy like me? If I just right it down on a piece of paper and sign it it has no legal standing correct?
July 9th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Point #3 is well worth keeping in mind. I just came back from a trip to a convention where I see some friends I have made over the years, who I see mostly at these conventions. A bit self-referential there, but valid. This is a shared-interest sort of thing. I unexpectedly found myself hobbling around due to a leg problem (what I did, I don’t know, but it hurt!). These friends I see two or three times a year rapidly turned up an ice bag, a pair of crutches, and a number of other handy-when-you’re-limping things. Various people would drag things to my room when I could not do it myself, and I had no need to attempt to haul my bags to the car this morning. As of now, I can walk again, if a bit unsteadily. (The one friend will get the borrowed crutches back in a few months, when our paths next cross.)
Lesson learned today: Value people, and they will value you. I met all of these people while pursing an interest. We are hugely geographically dispersed, and yet we are friends.
I could reach my debt and retirement goals much faster if I abandoned the shared interest, skipped conventions and didn’t visit people, but I don’t think I’d enjoy life nearly so much if I did.
July 9th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
For medical decisions, you want a health care power of attorney, where you appoint a health care agent to make decisions on your behalf.
Most states have a standardized health care power of attorney form.
Living wills are poor substitutes, since with them it is usually the attending physician (likely someone who’s never seen you before) trying to interpret your wishes.
And there are some tough calls that living wills usually can’t cover.
Consider: you are in the latter stages of your terminal illness, and it’s the 5th time in 2 months you’ve developed pneumonia (a common complication)
Is it time to go to the hospital’s ICU yet again, or to call in Hospice?
If you can’t make that decision you need someone you trust who can.
July 10th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Condolences.
If it helps, I wrote up “What I learned organizing my Mom’s memorial service” last year at http://jenk.livejournal.com/545063.html.
Other related posts are at http://jenk.livejournal.com/tag/death
February 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I spent a lot of time reading up on the laws surrounding these issues due to a terminal illness. The most important thing I took away from all of this was that you need to speak with your family and make sure they understand and respect your wishes. If they don’t, or, like me, you do not want them involved in the decision-making, you’re going to have a lot harder road to travel. Families can, and routinely do, override wishes when it comes to a DNR, advance directive, and plans for arrangements after death. Preventing this is next to impossible, so communicating your wishes to those who will be called upon to execute them is of the utmost importance.