I’m on a very tight budget with little to no disposable income. While my wife spends her money to over fill “her” TWO WALK-IN closets, her son & daughters’ closets, the closet at the front door, and many large plastic tubs in the attic & basement with “HER CLOTHES”.

Several dozens of every apparel (shirts, pants, shoes, dressess, etc) most have been worn very few times when the next one is purchased. She has a compulsion that keeps her buy clothes for HERSELF all year & every year.

After many conversations (arguements) I’ve only been able to get her to pay for her own car, auto insurance & auto maintenance, her cell phone, 1/2 of the satellite TV bill, and her long distance calls on the land line.

We both buy clothes & toys for the kids, but I pay the most significant portion of the daycare & summer camp bills, & family vacations. I’m the one funding the two college 529 funds, and I’m the only one saving for retirement.

All the exterior landscaping, lawn care, snow removal, and interior/exterior home renovations & improvements are funded by me.

It seems like my money funds nearly all of the family needs and her money is hers; with very little exception. She’s very self centered & selfish; and she wasn’t that way before we got married. Getting her to spend any of her money on ANYTHING for the family is like pulling teeth, she expects me to pay everything. Her money is for HER.

I’m on a very tight budget with little to no disposable income. While my wife spends her money to over fill “her” TWO WALK-IN closets, her son & daughters’ closets, the closet at the front door, and many large plastic tubs in the attic & basement with “HER CLOTHES”.

Several dozens of every apparel (shirts, pants, shoes, dressess, etc) most have been worn very few times when the next one is purchased. She has a compulsion that keeps her buy clothes for HERSELF all year & every year.

After many conversations (arguements) I’ve only been able to get her to pay for her own car, auto insurance & auto maintenance, her cell phone, 1/2 of the satellite TV bill, and her long distance calls on the land line.

We both buy clothes & toys for the kids, but I pay the most significant portion of the daycare & summer camp bills, & family vacations. I’m the one funding the two college 529 funds, and I’m the only one saving for retirement.

All the exterior landscaping, lawn care, snow removal, and interior/exterior home renovations & improvements are funded by me.

It seems like my money funds nearly all of the family needs and her money is hers; with very little exception. She’s very self centered & selfish; and she wasn’t that way before we got married. Getting her to spend any of her money on ANYTHING for the family is like pulling teeth, she expects me to pay everything. Her money is for HER.

We own a house now, and we have a pretty high combined income, although my income is about 75% of the total.

I’d like to get some opinions on our current spending setup:

1 “Bills” Account - my paychecks + her monthly contribution go here

2 “Expense” Accounts - one for each of us - we each get the same amount of money to spend each month. However, if she makes overtime, etc, all that income goes toward her spending money.

The money in each spending account does not have to be accounted for. Any money spent on the house or outside of the spending accounts comes from the bills account and must be discussed before the purchase is made.

I keep track of all income and spending, pay the bills, manage the 401(k) and Roth direction, open the CDs when applicable, etc.

So my question is this: Does that system sound like I’m being too harsh about spending? We contribute nearly $20k/yr to 401(k) and have no children (we’re planning on starting next year), and we save/invest nearly 30% of other take-home income. If she’s going over some months, although I’m way under budget most months, should I rethink the amount?

I’m trying to get her to read “Smart Couples Finish Rich” with me, but wealth accumulation (i.e., potential early retirement) doesn’t seem to be a priority with her (although she respects it as one of mine).

I’d love to hear some ideas and suggestions, particularly from the women. I want to approach this situation delicately but seriously.

Thanks!

1. I was talking with a coworker who makes a substantial amount of money. She said that she wouldn’t marry someone until after they cleared up their debt (exceptions being mortgage, car note…). I’m inclined to agree. I wouldn’t want to marry someone that has mountains of credit card debt where that would become my burden as well. I also don’t like the idea of using my savings to pay off their debt. Something doesn’t seem right there, but whatever works for the people involved. I just don’t believe I would be open to that.

2. I REALLY appreciated what you had to say about paying debt and building up a savings. When I started my “financial adventure” that was the biggest question I had: Pay off debt or build up a savings? Everything I saw said pay off debt. Instead, I paid most to debt, some to savings. I really liked that I had a bit of a cushion. I will admit that once my savings got to be the same amount as the debt I had left over, I cleared out my savings to pay it off. It was just too tempting. Now I’ve building up my savings again and have other financial goals. Everyone has to do what’s right for them. What was right for me was having a savings and paying off debt at the same time.

However, an interesting note about our marriage is not only that I had savings and he had debt, but we both had extreme financial mentalities on opposite sides of the spectrum: I never spent a dime if it wasn’t absolutely necessary, and he always found interesting and fun ways to spend his money. Somehow we managed to collaborate our mentalities into one that not only accumulates savings for retirement but remembers to splurge every once in a while in order to enjoy our lives *now*.

Moreover, the estate owes any debts. If you’re the estate, you owe.

This law exists in many US states and in many other countries. It also applies to divorce in many cases.

My question though is, what now? Sure making out your 401k contribution, or it seems in your case your Roth 401k, is nice, but who wants to keep working till they are 55? I want to retire young.

Right now I have a 401k, a Roth IRA, stocks and savings that I contribute to monthly before I even see the money. This will allow me to retire at a younger age than 55, but I want to keep that age decreasing.

Do you have any expertise on what assets would be worth researching and/or investing in above and beyond what I am doing now? If so, please let me know.

The more I read money blogs, the more I appreciate our luck in that neither of us came into this relationship with debt (both immigrants). I feel so bad for young Americans starting out their lives already saddled with college debt, it’s a cruel burden.

I’ve known married couples — including my parents — who couldn’t agree on financial matters, and I think that’s largely because they weren’t aware of each other’s spending habits before getting married. I think that there are a couple of approaches that a saver and a spender can take when tying the knot. Sara’s article above describes one approach. My article from April describes one approach. I’m sure there are many others.

Luckily in my state, this isn’t necessarily true. I wouldn’t want my wife to be legally responsible for any debt I incurred before our marriage. That’s just wrong. Also, in my state, she is not responsible for any non-marriage debt I incur without her signature. If anything ever happens to me, I wouldn’t want her to have to have the burden of paying off my student loans on top of everything else.