You may want to remind your adult son that he is getting money from you already. He uses your electricty, eats your food, and sleeps in the shelter you heat, all of which *you* pay for. While you are providing that for him right now because you love him, he is welcome to seek it elsewhere at any time. The Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps may be willing to accept him (depending on the medical condition you mention) and they will also pay him.

If he wants his own money, then he needs to go and earn his own money. You haven’t abandoned him since after all, he isn’t on the street starving.

Essentially, you need to look him in the eye and ask him what he’s doing for you. What, as a “Man”, is he bringing to the table to help *you* out? What is he doing that is providing value to the family? Remember, you owe him nothing. You provided him with life and are continuing to provide him with more than many people in this world have, a warm bed and full belly. He is an adult now and you are his “mother”, not his “mommy”. He needs to realize he should be buying his own lollipops.

[...] Friences and Money: Coping with Social Spending Situations I’ve found that switching to more frugal activities often reveals who your friends are – and who the people who just hang around and do expensive stuff are. (@ get rich slowly) [...]

I think the first few posters were a little harsh. Not all of my friends know exactly how much debt I’m trying to pay off, even though they know in a general sense. But when you’ve been the “fun” friend for years–the one who was always willing to put the concert tickets on your credit card, willing to finance a road trip at a moment’s notice, etc.–it’s hard for your friends to change their perception of you overnight. I think my friends are getting a little more used to hearing “I’m sorry, but I can’t” more often, but I think it can be hard on both sides. Friendships are being redefined in a sense. Any friendship that experiences life-changing events (marriage, kids, etc.) either has to adapt or it fades away.

This is just one idea. I also wholeheartedly agree with the idea of hanging around with people who share financial goals of saving and being responsible and of doing stuff at home – I adore board games and card games and potlock dinners! But they’ve already been mentioned a lot and the idea that people paying for things isn’t necessarily all about the receiver is an important one I think.

Ricky

This is just one idea. I also wholeheartedly agree with the idea of hanging around with people who share financial goals of saving and being responsible and of doing stuff at home – I adore board games and card games and potlock dinners! But they’ve already been mentioned a lot and the idea that people paying for things isn’t necessarily all about the receiver is an important one I think.

Ricky

This is just one idea. I also wholeheartedly agree with the idea of hanging around with people who share financial goals of saving and being responsible and of doing stuff at home – I adore board games and card games and potlock dinners! But they’ve already been mentioned a lot and the idea that people paying for things isn’t necessarily all about the receiver is an important one I think.

Ricky

Some friends have money and some don’t. If our friends with money want to treat us or host us, we go along to an extent, and accept graciously, because otherwise, we would not participate in the situation — we’re too frugal. We are generous when we can afford to be. Other friends/relatives don’t have money, and we either spring for the activity (hockey tickets, dinner) or choose something very inexpensive to do with them. Sometimes they reciprocate with babysitting or inviting us to eat with them.

As I told my student brother, when he said something about having more money contribute to birthday gifts, dinners, etc — it’s not about money, it’s about spending time with you. Either you feel that way about people or you don’t. I’m just not that interested in spending time with people who impress or want to be impressed.

Compared to some of these people, our lives are in line with our values and goals, and we don’t compete for who has the most stuff or money. We’re trying to have the most time! It sounds like some of the people in the articles who have the most problems haven’t decided what they really want in their lives and resent people who have what they think they want, because they are comparing themselves. To an extent, I think many people have the capacity to be rather wealthy, but can’t/won’t do what’s necessary to get there. (Ex. I don’t like to ponder how much money DH and I would have if we were both working full-bore on our careers and hadn’t had kids. We made some “damaging” choices there, if being rich is our goal!)

I’m a board game junkie; have been all my life. Many games can be expensive up front, but often pay for themselves over time. Now, in college, we got countless hours of enjoyment out of a deck of playing cards and a copy of Hoyle’s Rules of Games. That was just before the explosion of the internet, and much of that information is now available freely online.

BTW, I live on Colorado, and I love Powells. We go there every time we visit Portland. I have one of their sweatshirts too, it’s my favorite.

Since I’m in debt repayment mode, I’m trying to think of things we can do that don’t involve Nordstrom, Macy’s and Banana Republic. Powell’s Books is a great idea, as is a matinee or a hike in Forest Park. All inexpensive or free! Now I just have to convince her that these activities are just as riveting as trying on shoes at Saks.

I have had to lose friends because they spend way more than I can afford. We are all in a similar income range, but no one else has children (DINKS). They expect we can leave the kids with someone and go out. We can’t. That just gives us the opportunity to find friends that have kids/accept our way of life.

Occasionally, you just know one of your ideas would be perfect for someone who can’t afford it, so that’s when it’s a good idea to try this out. It can be a little creepy, but it can also work out very wonderfully.