Ask the Readers: How Do You Live Frugally Without Seeming Like a Loser?

I’m taking a somewhat different twist on this: I’m putting time and money into an investment that will, in the long run, save me money on clothes, but make me (and my husband, once we start on his wardrobe) look like a standout dresser.

You see, I have an unusual size and shape for a woman, so off-the-rack clothes that look good and fit me well are a) hard to find, eating my precious time and increasing my blood pressure in the process, and b) rarely cheap. Therefore, since I was a fair-to-middling sewer to start with, I am learning to construct my own clothing from the ground up: not just sewing from patterns, but learning how to draft patterns from my body shape, to make garments that are in a style *I* like and look good in, regardless of what is in fashion.

The plan is that I will, eventually, have a small number of reusable cotton muslin patterns from which I can make my own clothes, adjusting as necessary. Then, once my wardrobe’s more squared away, I’ll start on my husband’s.

As long as you are courteous, thoughtful, attentive, clean and do not act like a jerk, you will get plenty of nice women to date you. The places you frequent will be the same ones that these nice ladies will also frequent. Women who have on their dating agenda “the man who “gets” me must be a conspicuous consumer” will demonstrate their shallowness and insecurity very quickly, so you aren’t missing out on much.

One hint, though…wherever you take your date, please tip generously (not extravagantly) and treat the staff politely. I have been on MANY dates and watch very closely for signs of cheapness, stinginess, or selfishness. No nice woman worth her salt needs to be with a man who is two-faced, i.e. superfically “nice” to someone he’s trying to date, but rude or unappreciative of someone who’s just doing their job. Take her to a place where you won’t wince at the prices, and then enjoy yourself fully! She’ll pick up on your relaxation and confidence, and you’ll both have a better time together.

I personally find men who work, save, and have their act together financially VERY attractive–it speaks of the man’s character, maturity, steadfastness, ability to commit and make sacrifices, ambition, confidence, and dedication to a healthy, happy life. DEFINITELY marriage material there, guys, and lots of fun on the hot road to the chapel! Good luck!

Good point, sherwood! and being fit is frugal in the long term of course!

To find the mate that suits your lifestyle, then just do the things you like, and date the people you meet while doing so.

If you like shopping in thrift stores, and eating al fresco at the park, and driving a car that you can service yourself, then be looking for women in the thrift stores, the park,and standing in line at the auto parts store.

while going through my divorce, I took up car-care. I went to the auto parts store and bought an air filter instead of letting the guys at the oil change place do it (hey, it was all new to me, and disposing of used oil was not that easy back then) anyway, I noticed a lot of the men there popped the hoods on the car, replaced whatever bit needed replacing and discarded the garbage in the bin in front of the store. Hey, I thought, I can do that too.
So, while I was bending over the car, backside prominently displayed, I heard a guy whistle and say, “All that and fixes her own car too!” Admittedly, this comment could be seen as offensive and sexist, but at the time, it was just enough to begin moving my feelings about my impending singlehood from OH NO to OK!

Too bad for the guy that he said it as he was driving off. Probably married and regretting that his wife couldn’t keep up with me! But what I’m saying is, the places frugality takes you are the places to pick up the girls that appreciate it!

My secret is not for all- I just don’t have time to socialize, so it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I work seven days a week at two different jobs. I purchase name-brand used clothing second-hand when old items become too ratty, but still wear a lot of the clothes my parents bought me when I was in high school (my oldest still-in-rotation item is a 14 year old top bought at Kmart). My yearly clothing/shoe budget is about $100 but I still look good. My husband and I bought a new car when we were first married, paid it off ASAP and have kept it up well. We’ve managed to get by with only this one car, which we are very proud of. We scan restaurant menus online, pick out what we would order if we went, and make it ourselves at home. For special ‘dates’ we even print up ‘tonight’s menu,’ dress extra nicely, light candles, put on dinner music, etc. I will say that my most extravagant (but still within reason) purchases are as gifts for family, but only those whom I maintain close relationships with.

Another way that I keep my spending in perspective is by figuring out how long it takes me to earn a dollar. Right now for me it is slightly under eleven minutes. So, even at the dollar store, I stand there and think, “Would I be willing to work for eleven minutes in exchange for this item?” If the answer is no, why am I buying it? For the way other people will perceive me if I have it? Ridiculous!

I used to hold a “Bring Your Own BBQ.” My friends would each bring part of the meal we’d then cook together. I would fill in whatever extras I thought we still needed. We always had plenty of food and plenty of fun. A volleyball net set up in the yard was an extra bonus.

The same thing can be done at a local beach or park. Makes for a nice double-date, too.

This is an interesting discussion. It makes me remember back to when I was dating and the guy I was going out seemed cheap (which was a turnoff). Here’s my two cents:

1. Despite what some previous posters said, I think going Dutch on a first date is a no-no. I always hated it if a guy asked me out Dutch the first time; I thought it was tacky and cheap. I always wished they’d just asked me out for something they could afford, like ice cream or coffee.

2. Like the other posters said, make sure you are well-groomed and your items are well cared for. Again, this is a big indicator between frugal and cheap. A guy once asked me out and his car had no heat or de-icer. And this was in the middle of winter! This was not frugal– it was cheap or poor (neither being attractive).

3. Make sure you mix up the dates– don’t ask her to do the same inexpensive thing. I once dated a guy for a while who always asked me to go for walks (once for coffee). This was OK the first or second time, then I started to think he was poor. So be creative, mix it up, and occasionally throw in a nice meal (not expensive– just good quality. I love ethnic, which is often cheap, good and cool).

4. The one flower idea is great. The calling is great. Overall, niceness and showing genuine thought and caring wins over the kind of woman you’d want to attract.

When it comes to first impressions, I think apart from the grooming aspect that’s already been covered, it’s important to seem generous. Very few women find a cheap man attractive. But remember that generosity is not in the amount of money spent, it is in the spirit of how it’s spent. Be generous of spirit in your frugality (i.e. if you’re bringing ice cream for the park date, spring for Haagen Daaz, not the cheap store brand), and the right kind of woman will be impressed.

My ex was a big spender who showered me with flowers, jewelry, trips, expensive dinners, etc. However, it was all very insincere and just covered up a lot of his own insecurities and shortcomings. When I began dating again, I was wary of guys who wanted to be flashy because I felt they were trying to buy my affection. My new boyfriend is frugal, and I could see that he bought quality things but was a bargain hunter. He NEVER came across cheap – just smart. The first gift he ever gave me was a special piece of tupperware that he found at Wal-Mart. He knew I needed something like it for packing my lunch at the office. That meant more to me than 10 dozen roses!