1. Despite what some previous posters said, I think going Dutch on a first date is a no-no. I always hated it if a guy asked me out Dutch the first time; I thought it was tacky and cheap. I always wished they’d just asked me out for something they could afford, like ice cream or coffee.

2. Like the other posters said, make sure you are well-groomed and your items are well cared for. Again, this is a big indicator between frugal and cheap. A guy once asked me out and his car had no heat or de-icer. And this was in the middle of winter! This was not frugal– it was cheap or poor (neither being attractive).

3. Make sure you mix up the dates– don’t ask her to do the same inexpensive thing. I once dated a guy for a while who always asked me to go for walks (once for coffee). This was OK the first or second time, then I started to think he was poor. So be creative, mix it up, and occasionally throw in a nice meal (not expensive– just good quality. I love ethnic, which is often cheap, good and cool).

4. The one flower idea is great. The calling is great. Overall, niceness and showing genuine thought and caring wins over the kind of woman you’d want to attract.

When it comes to first impressions, I think apart from the grooming aspect that’s already been covered, it’s important to seem generous. Very few women find a cheap man attractive. But remember that generosity is not in the amount of money spent, it is in the spirit of how it’s spent. Be generous of spirit in your frugality (i.e. if you’re bringing ice cream for the park date, spring for Haagen Daaz, not the cheap store brand), and the right kind of woman will be impressed.

I hope she has her name only on the car and the house, so that when she’s tired of paying for HIS past mistakes – I gather that’s your reasoning? – she can chuck him out, and keep HER car and house.

The same thing can be done at a local beach or park. Makes for a nice double-date, too.

I want to be married, sure. I am looking for my very own Limberlost Angel. But from time to time I am going to be in beatup running shoes, a frayed T-shirt, and have not shaved for a couple of days. This is just the way it is and I make no apologies for it.

If such circumstances puts a woman off, hey, good for her. She has saved us both some trouble, LOL. It is not the end of the world. One thing my ex-wife taught me is that anyone can be replaced and THAT lesson is bone deep.

Do I have a 50″ screen TV? No. It pays me nothing. There is not one single item I can think of that, after having lusted after it for days or months or whatever, gave me anything like the satisfaction that I thought it would. It is just another paperweight no matter its supposed function. I buy only things that have a shot at PAYING ME. That way, if the car breaks down or the TV goes out (that I paid cash for) then I simply replace it and move on to the next thing.

Yes, I realize that I am acting/speaking out of bad experiences, but isn’t everyone focusing on this subject? There is nothing other than a modest house that I would consider financing. Paying interest is for fools, earning it is how you finally get your life back.

Another way that I keep my spending in perspective is by figuring out how long it takes me to earn a dollar. Right now for me it is slightly under eleven minutes. So, even at the dollar store, I stand there and think, “Would I be willing to work for eleven minutes in exchange for this item?” If the answer is no, why am I buying it? For the way other people will perceive me if I have it? Ridiculous!

“Meet for Happy Hours. I know restaurants that serve full meals for $2-5 after purchasing one drink. Usually leave fed & drank for $10.”

My problem is, me and my wife are young and really social. We go on big friday night pub/club nights, and end up sinking way too much.

We dont want to sacrifice our social life, so our aim is to go for a few drinks in the week, here and there, at happy hour. This way, we’ll feel like we’ve already been out a bit in the week, and we wont need a huge friday night to feel like we’ve seen everyone.

And if we invite people along, it doesnt seem strange if we dont go out at the weekend.

To find the mate that suits your lifestyle, then just do the things you like, and date the people you meet while doing so.

If you like shopping in thrift stores, and eating al fresco at the park, and driving a car that you can service yourself, then be looking for women in the thrift stores, the park,and standing in line at the auto parts store.

while going through my divorce, I took up car-care. I went to the auto parts store and bought an air filter instead of letting the guys at the oil change place do it (hey, it was all new to me, and disposing of used oil was not that easy back then) anyway, I noticed a lot of the men there popped the hoods on the car, replaced whatever bit needed replacing and discarded the garbage in the bin in front of the store. Hey, I thought, I can do that too.
So, while I was bending over the car, backside prominently displayed, I heard a guy whistle and say, “All that and fixes her own car too!” Admittedly, this comment could be seen as offensive and sexist, but at the time, it was just enough to begin moving my feelings about my impending singlehood from OH NO to OK!

Too bad for the guy that he said it as he was driving off. Probably married and regretting that his wife couldn’t keep up with me! But what I’m saying is, the places frugality takes you are the places to pick up the girls that appreciate it!

I’ve read through the first 80 or so, and one thing I never saw mentioned is fitness. Being in shape goes a long way towards satisfying a woman’s superficial needs/inclinations. “Fit” can be trim or ripped, whatever you (or your “type”) favors.

It evens the playing field quite substantially.

One hint, though…wherever you take your date, please tip generously (not extravagantly) and treat the staff politely. I have been on MANY dates and watch very closely for signs of cheapness, stinginess, or selfishness. No nice woman worth her salt needs to be with a man who is two-faced, i.e. superfically “nice” to someone he’s trying to date, but rude or unappreciative of someone who’s just doing their job. Take her to a place where you won’t wince at the prices, and then enjoy yourself fully! She’ll pick up on your relaxation and confidence, and you’ll both have a better time together.

I personally find men who work, save, and have their act together financially VERY attractive–it speaks of the man’s character, maturity, steadfastness, ability to commit and make sacrifices, ambition, confidence, and dedication to a healthy, happy life. DEFINITELY marriage material there, guys, and lots of fun on the hot road to the chapel! Good luck!

You see, I have an unusual size and shape for a woman, so off-the-rack clothes that look good and fit me well are a) hard to find, eating my precious time and increasing my blood pressure in the process, and b) rarely cheap. Therefore, since I was a fair-to-middling sewer to start with, I am learning to construct my own clothing from the ground up: not just sewing from patterns, but learning how to draft patterns from my body shape, to make garments that are in a style *I* like and look good in, regardless of what is in fashion.

The plan is that I will, eventually, have a small number of reusable cotton muslin patterns from which I can make my own clothes, adjusting as necessary. Then, once my wardrobe’s more squared away, I’ll start on my husband’s.

Just as you probably don’t want to hear about my failed relationships on a first date, I don’t want to know about how you’re now resolving your sordid past with easy credit. Those are the sort of details that go over better after a few dates. Look good.

If I’m shaving my legs, applying makeup, and wearing my heels, the least you can do is get a haircut and put on the best thing in your closet. It’s worth spending a little more money or time to have nice clothes that you can mix and match for work, dates, interviews, etc. Buy the best quality you can reasonably afford. If you don’t have a Bloomingdale’s budget, mix up some Macy’s clearance – Old Navy – Filene’s Basement – TJ Maxx finds. If you’re taking a date home for the first time, make sure it’s kind of clean and has some furniture, maybe even a little style. You’d be surprised what you can find for the home at yard sales in upper-crust neighborhoods.

My best tip is that you can cover up a lot of potential negatives by being a thoughtful guy. (You’re broke? Eh, not great. But if you make my favorite dinner, help me with my laundry, take care of me when I’m home sick, and/or remember not to call me Thursday nights when LOST is on, I’ll propose to you AND pay for the wedding;)

Annoying part with date tips:
You shouldn’t have break out the credit card and say goodbye to your hard-earned new FICO score to date. There are some ways to do dating right while not spending as much money (and not look cheap):

You can go to a cheap movie without having to see “Bee Movie” at the dollar theater. If there are colleges or museums in your area, they often have indie/foreign film showings for little or nothing. In Atlanta, the High Museum shows movies on Saturdays – $5 for non-members, $4 for members. You show that you have culture and save some money. Buy a coffee or dessert later and discuss. $20 max.

Take a girl to lunch, not dinner. You can often afford a nicer restaurant at lunchtime. Side benefits: Lunch is informal (save $ on dry cleaning/wardrobe), and it’s easier to make excuses if you need to get out of dodge (i.e. “got to go back to work” or “the cable guy is supposed to come over at 2.”) Avoid the overpriced desserts, and take her for ice cream or gelato afterwards. Depending on the place, 30-40 dollars well spent for lunch, tip and dessert. (And anyway, you spend half of it on yourself. Tell me you have at least 30 dollars?)

If you’re book people, go to the bookstore for a reading. Heck, even buy her the book if she likes it. It’s a date, a thoughtful gift (we love a thoughtful gift), and it cost you $14 (for a mid-list paperback) or $25 (for a fancy hardcover.)

I hope this helps. Good luck finding the frugal (not cheap) woman of your dreams!

All this is to say? I wasn’t so much into 30something guys with “cool” low-paying jobs, no savings or plans for the future, and no avocation besides hanging out with their buddies. And men my age with roommates and NO damn good explanation as to why? Dealbreaker.

(Now married to gorgeous guy with good job, conservative financial values, living happily ever after with our two new babies and hopefully someday more…)

There are a lot of women out there who fall into the “not cute” category. I am one of them. I have been described as “terrifyingly competent”. Peculiarly enough there are a number of married men who find me absolutely delightful, and we maintain fun friendly relationships. Yes, their wives know, and no we don’t sleep together. Someday I will have to figure out why this situation exists.

Anyway, the man who is brave enough to actually ask me out and get to know me is in for a number of surprises. The man who is brave enough to marry me will be quite happy when we trade financial statements.

My advice to the young men? Figure out what your dating budget is, and get started. And by the way, no matter how cute they are at 25, 50 years old happens to us all eventually. Yourself included.
Character and integrity do count.

As far as the ladies go, when I met my wife I was rarely bathing and was wearing outlandish thrift store clothes. Plus had hair to my shoulders. Spring for a movie once in a while, sneak in some snacks and it’s $20 that will prove you aren’t incapable of whimsy. Also, visit the “health center” at your local college for free condoms. (The “hidden cost” of dating!) Don’t skimp here, you could end up exceeding your budget in unimaginable ways.

over the years other people have obviously been confused by our financial choices, but that’s more entertaining than anything else. and eventually some of them figured it out.

Anything having to do with social behaviors is going to be a toss up anyway. Different people will look at you different ways and their opinions may or may not matter to you. If it means that much to you to impress someone, then take the time (and money) to do so. Otherwise, live the lifestyle you want to and worry less about how others perceive it. It can be a fine line.

Rika said in post #8:
“Hmmm … I find it interesting that this seems to be far more of a worry for men than for women.”

Maybe men don’t care how big a woman’s bank account is, but personal finance affects dating for both sexes, just in different ways. To be considered beautiful by society’s standards takes money. Try being a frugal, kind, but less-than-average attractive woman and see how many men come beating down your door. If you can’t afford to get your hair done, straight teeth or clear skin it doesn’t matter how good a person you are on the inside. Men are visual, and if they are turned off by what they see on the outside it’s less likely they’ll take the time to get to know what’s on the inside. I’m extremely frugal (maybe I border on cheap) so I’m certainly not seeking a rich man, just one who has his act together (or is getting it together) but I’m no great beauty and I accept that those men simply aren’t after me.

– Stay fit. I walk everywhere, hike with my dogs, and run. I’m in my mid-thirties and I’m fitter than I was when I was twenty. A good body makes simple clothes look great and attracts men.

– Find a great hairstyle that works with your natural hair type. If you are constantly fighting with your hair to make it a different texture and clour, you are proabably spending a lot of money on salons and products. I have long, thick, straight brown hair. I keep it simple and clean — and only visit a cheap salon for an occasional trim. I think it looks good.

– Women spend a lot of money trying different makeup and skincare products. My advice is to find what works for you and stick to it (with slight adaptations over time). Don’t be influenced by ads that try to convince you that you need the latest and greatest thing. A good moisturizer, a foundation and blush that work with your natural skin tones, a day and an evening lipstick, and black eyeliner and mascara, are all I find necessary. Men are not impressed with the latest shades of eyeshadow, etc.

– In terms of clothes, the same advice applies. Find “your look” and stick to it (with slow adaptations over time). Pick a signature color (mine is red) for a few special pieces. Other than that, a few neutral, well-fitting pieces are all you need (jeans, black pants, black turtleneck, few t-shirts, well-cut jacket) . And a few signature accessories (a great ring, bracelet, or scarf) will spark things up. You will look unique and confident.

Smile, look men in the eye, be kind, and ask questions. These things are what men crave.

Now you can look at it as a “waste” but humans are social creatures. Just like housing, food, clothing are necessities, you need to budget for going out. It’s quite a bit different than accumulating goods, it’s an activity, not materialism.

On the other note, I agree that when it comes to appearances, simple, quality, classy beats out junky, messy, cluttered, etc. A few pieces of nice furniture, a few year old nice car in good condition, a nice pair of shoes, a couple good pairs of jeans, and a few nice shirts go a long ways.

And on that note, good looks and flashy things may attract someone, but personality is what keeps someone. There’s always someone with better looks and more money around the corner…that’s why you can’t rely on those things.

And it’s true: I do feel more at home with working-class and middle-class people than among the rich…who indeed are different from us.

This guy managed to quit his job in his late 40s, and his frugal lifestyle — combined with an annual TDY of six weeks to three months with the Air Force Reserve — allowed him to never look back. When he bought a house, he bought it in cash. When he bought a car, he bought it in cash. He was able to do so because he was extremely, extremely tight. Today he lives on Social Security, proceeds from savings, and his Air Force pension and says he does not know how to spend all the money — most of it goes into savings. His lifestyle is comfortable: he has a nice home in a clean, safe neighborhood, he drives a new Camry, he travels whenever he wants to, he goes dancing several nights a week, hikes and bicycles every day, goes to concerts and community activities a couple of times a week, volunteers, and is never bored. As I scribble he’s planning to spend a large part of today at a five-hour performance of the opera Tristan und Isolde, for which he obtained a free ticket. He spends less than $12,000 a year.

Bully for him. But for me there was a limit. After a while I became disenchanted with habits like cooking breakfast, lunch, & dinner on a camp stove in the motel room when we traveled–that’s if he could be persuaded to pony up $20 (no joke!) to stay in a room instead of sleeping on the ground. I got tired of being embarrassed to be seen in public with a man wearing threadbare clothes. I began to feel it was tedious and annoying to be asked to buy him a cup of coffee (after he invited me out) because after all the last time he bought mine (weeks before).

I’d say you don’t have to live like the King of Siam to be attractive to women who have something between the ears. But you do have to behave as though you’re at least close to normal. Be reasonably well groomed: get your hair cut; yard-sale the threadbare, faded clothing and wear simple, clean slacks and shirts in good condition. Get the fat off, get rid of the cigarettes, and keep yourself in reasonable physical shape. Keep the car clean and in good repair but otherwise don’t worry about it — women who are more impressed by your car than by you are not worth your time.

Then develop a repertoire of fun that doesn’t require much cash outlay: hiking and bicycling (get bike at yard sale or sheriff’s auction) are very good. You can meet interesting young women through local hiking and biking groups and through Meetup.com’s interest groups. You can combine a picnic with a hike or bicycle outing — very cheap, lots of fun. Look for free or inexpensive concerts in your community and at local colleges — these are usually listed at your local NPR station’s website. Develop frugal hobbies and buy the gear for them at estate sales, yard sales, and thrift shops. Check out the Emperor’s list of 60 free or low-cost ways to entertain yourself, which he contributed to Funny a while back; go to the Archive to find it.

Finally, be patient. Women come and women go. We are as the sands on the seashore.

Meet for Happy Hours. I know restaurants that serve full meals for $2-5 after purchasing one drink. Usually leave fed & drank for $10.

Go to cheap movies. $3 for a movie that came out 3 months ago, who cares? Right now, my theater is playing “No Country For Old Men” and “I Am Legend”, pretty new releases!

It’s not hard to have your cake and eat it, too. You just need to be patient. When I needed new work clothes, I hit Target instead of some overpriced, Fifth Avenue design shop. The pants look great, fit great and didn’t set me back a week’s pay.

P.P.S. IMO, it’s not confidence that attracts. Both men and women go for people that they feel they can make happy.