This is a guest post from Betsy Teutsch, who writes about socially responsible investing, savvy consuming, and sustainable living at Money Changes Things.
The practical side of me loves wedding registries, and the values-driven side of me has grown to loathe them as brides and grooms seem ever bossier. Registries are nothing new, of course. We registered for gifts in 1973, and as a result received two lovely sets of china and ten place-settings of silver. Beyond that, it was open season: we received all sorts of gifts we had not designated. Most we used, a few we actively hated, and many we came to appreciate and even love over time. (Regifting hadn’t been “invented” back then.). From the point of view of the brides and grooms, wedding registries have many upsides. But let’s look at it from the perspective of the gift-giver.
Pros and cons
The pros of a gift registry are:
- Efficiency. You can order the gift and you’re done. The store ships it and you don’t have to wrap it, schlep it, or even buy a card.
- The couple picks what they want, and you know your gift is to their taste, which is especially helpful if you hate shopping or don’t know the couple well enough to key in to their life style. Easy. Done.
From my point of view, the negative list is more extensive:
- It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.
- The choices are not prioritized. Recently, after scrolling through scores of chosen items, I finally decided to just purchase a gift certificate from the registry and let the couple decide. Wrapping and shipping would have been an extra $20, which seems mostly wasted.
- The options are overly directed. The attitude expressed, even if it’s not intentional, is DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING US SOMETHING NOT ON OUR LIST! I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer. This is often the case because the couple is using a store registry, which is a fixed template without options to comment or personalize any aspect of the choices. They come off sounding very dictatorial.
- I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts, which cannot be purchased from a registry. It’s also nice to give a family heirloom or something more personal.
- I still might very well decide to give them a place setting of something they’ve chosen, or whatever, but as a sport PSAWSWLD [J.D.'s note: Yeah, I had to click that link, too.], I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere online, and/or perhaps using Amazon Prime’s free shipping, thereby giving them a more valuable gift.
- I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned. (And I’ve lived a perfectly abundant life!) I like to feel simpatico with the gift I’m giving, since it’s an expression of my values.
- I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived, since brides and grooms (or bride + bride and groom + groom) are often really terrible about writing thank-yous. My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.
- The old-fashioned side of me feels uncomfortable with the couple knowing precisely, down to the dime, what I spent on their gift. It feels so calculated. I mean, why don’t they just send a bill?!
Other options
A few brides and grooms I know have worked to transcend the tax-assessment feel of store registries. While they feel obliged to include conventional stores on their wedding sites (because that’s what lots of their guests do prefer), they expand their suggestions, including favorite charities and causes. One couple said they would love gift certificates to local bookstores and garden shops and described their garden, giving their guests a sense of their values and passions. A few years ago we gave a giant composter to this couple, since they had included it on a wishlist, and it really spoke to me; I totally enjoyed sending it to them. The fancy china comes out maybe once a year, but that composter is used every day!
Another way some couples counteract the gimmes is to ask for non-material gifts. Recently all the invitees to a wedding we attended were asked by the bride’s friend to submit a favorite recipe, which they made into a cookbook for the bride and groom. Another woman I know did something similar for her future daughter-in-law, collecting recipes from all the immediate family, including copies of recipes written by grandmothers no longer alive. (She made copies for all the contributors, and I’m sure they are treasured!)
A nice custom in the Jewish community is to send close friends and family fabric squares to decorate, which are then sent back and stitched together to create the wedding canopy. None of these touches are instead of a material gift, but they serve to make guests feel like they are more than ATMs.
Some couples create an online donation registry in lieu of gifts, but the site notifies the couple of the amount of each contribution, something which makes some people (like me, for example!) uncomfortable. I recently received a link to New American Dream’s registry where the celebrants (brides and grooms, new parents, etc) can set up a registry asking for whatever they like, mixing purchased and guest-created items. Their sample asks for recipes, food for potluck weddings, advice, and fair-traded household things. Very nice idea for a small, simple event, but for a conventional, fancy wedding, I think it would freak people out. (It would be a nice additional alternative to a conventional registry, though; a couple could do both, and explain their thinking on their wedding website, the new de rigeur system for communicating wedding plans.)
And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later, it’s the beautiful, thoughtful items which I enjoy, the cash long ago having been plowed into aggregate savings. Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift. (If the couple is a pair of starving students, money is still a great idea, perhaps along with a smaller material item.)
Let’s hear what you all think about wedding registries, pro or con, and from both givers and receivers’ points of view. Are they a necessary evil, a godsend, or something in between?
Teutsch previously told GRS readers about the pros and cons of working at home and discussed how to get a grip on consumerism.
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Yeah, 13 years later it’s the items I didn’t register for and couldn’t find a return place and cannot sell that I still resent. The gift and the giver. The modern registry system exists because the whole thing is broken. Just give money or otherwise, by all means, buy what they’re asking for. I’m forced as I move to give away stuff that people spent good money on, intending me to have. I don’t think that was productive.
Don’t assume you know what they need. I got married whilst in college and people bought us the dumbest, most impractical things from all sorts of gift shops. Unfortuantely, we got married just before the wave of modern registering ease.
And a lot of the presents, let’s face it, weren’t given out of love. Most people gift for things like weddings because they feel like they have to. I know the love gifts. I remember them. The rest is of little consequence to me. I would’ve been happier had I just gotten gifts from my closest friends and family, or generous others who did so from good intention
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“I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer.”
I find this comment ridiculous AND arrogant – why would someone know what I need in my life just because they are older? Give me a break! That would explain why the older people in my life give me presents at Christmas that I have no use for…
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I’m a big fan of the wedding registry both as a guest and a recent bride (10/06).
As a guest, many times I don’t know the bride or the groom well enough to pick out a personal gift so I’m happy to give them something they want or need.
As a bride, I loved the wedding registry because Pottery Barn kept track of who gave me what on its handy thank you list tool. Folks who sent me a gift got an e-mail from Pottery Barn letting them know their gift arrived so they didn’t worry. We got married out of town and left for our honey moon instead of returning home. As a result, managing those gifts that were brought to the wedding was a chore.
We also posted links to our favorite charities on our wedding web site and some people made donations instead of giving us gifts (which was wonderful and appreciated).
Cash was also appreciated as we used it on our honeymoon, checks were deposited before we left which was helpful to cover those last minute wedding bills.
Some guests gave us gifts not on our registry that were also wonderful and appreciated.
Some guests just came to our wedding – which was the best gift anyone could give us.
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Great list! A few of your “cons” can be worked around, though. You can always go to a registry store in person and pick up your gift yourself (to wrap and give to the bride and groom later).
I tend to buy a small item from the registry, then personalize the gift by adding some extra related items. For example, if the couple registered for a decanter, add a few bottles of a wine that you know they like and a gift certificate to a cheese shop. If they registered for a casserole dish, include a few of your favorite recipes in a hand-bound book.
I don’t think it’s arrogant for a couple to feel like they know their own tastes and needs in putting together a registry, though. Each situation is different, and they are giving you some insight into where they feel their life is headed. Many couples live together before marriage and might already have some of the “starter” items that others think are crucial. I think it’s important to remember that the gift should be something the couple will appreciate and value, not a lesson in what you think they need.
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I’ve established by looking through the various registries of friends getting married, that most of them don’t quite share my tastes. This means that I’m more cautious than ever of getting something off-registry – I wouldn’t want them to inflict their dubious tastes on me, so why should I do the reverse.
I personally dislike giving money, so I prefer to buy from the registry, rather than write a cheque. I’m also wary of charity donations – I don’t really want to give to a charity that I don’t support, even if the bride/groom want me to.
Given that I will want to get the happy couple a gift (not money), registries are a godsend. Without, my standard gift is a bottle of champagne if appropriate, and gourmet chocolates if not.
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Not so long ago people simply contacted the parents of the bride and groom and directly or in a nuanced way discovered what the engaged couple might like. The buyer then exercised creativity and discretion.
Shops like registries because they capture more sales. Many guests like them because it reduces the guesswork.
I personally find them impersonal and tacky, but be prepared for people to directly ask you where you are registered if you host a birthday gathering or any such event. The marketers have firmly established that celebrations and commercial transactions go hand in hand.
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While I agree with a lot of what the guest poster says, I feel like I must be missing something. A lot of her “cons” for gift registeries have to do with ordering online (not being able to write a card, not knowing if the gift arrived, etc). Unless something has happened with gift registries in the last 6 months, don’t most stores allow you to come to the brick and mortar store and purchase items from the gift registry? This solves many of the author’s “cons” and allows those of us who love gift registries the benefit of using them.
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Part of the problem is the bride & groom inviting people who don’t know them well enough to have any idea whatsoever what they might want. Sometimes that’s a result of family pressure to turn the event into a gift/money gathering or impress friends & distant relations. That calls for some way to learn what the B&G might need and/or want. When I’ve used a registry, I have it shipped to me and then wrap & take it with me. You’re right about the thank you cards–is it too much to ask to receive an acknowledgement? The nicest thank you note I received from a newly married couple (a friend) included a small photo of them on their wedding day.
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When I got married 4 years ago, my husband and I had been living together for 4 years before in our own home so we had nearly everything a new couple needs. We couldn’t find anything to register for in the typical sense as we were fully stocked in the kitchen and most of the rest of the house. We had planned a honeymoon to Japan so we made an Amazon registry for guidebooks, luggage, a portable tripod and other travel necessities. We ended up with the entire set of luggage (which we love and has been so handy) plus had all the books and whatnot for not 1 but 2 trips to Japan now. The monetary gifts we got all went into an account we used for that first trip, and the memories we have are much better than any kitchen implement or knick-knack.
When my best friend got married several years ago, her mother in law gave her a set of casserole dishes that she bought from a traveling salesman the year her son was born. She said she just KNEW that she would hold onto them for her son’s bride. He was about 26 when they were married so you can imagine how lovely ’70s brown and orange those bad boys were. Original in the faded box, never opened. My friend really wished she would have gotten the modern dishes she had wanted from the registry instead. Now she has the guilt associated with these, she can’t get rid of them lest she hurt the mother-in-law’s feelings.
I’m glad we ended up with cherished memories and not ugly dishes.
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I definitely agree with a lot of what the guest poster says. My wife and I did something a little different and “registered” for activities our honeymoon. This worked well because we were going to take a nice trip, and we had most of the traditional household items (and as my wife put on the site – “we prefer flight patterns to china patterns”.
There are websites that will set honeymoon registries up for you, but some charge as much as 9% of the gifted amount. I already had web hosting, and I am a little bit savvy, so I setup our own registry and made everything available through paypal. For everyone that gave us gifts, we made sure to attribute them to an activity or to a “memory”, and while we’re only about 2/3 of the way through thank-you cards (been married now for just over a month), we’re including a photo of us doing the activity, so hopefully it will not just seem like they gave us cash.
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You’re description of the registry process is a lot different from what I’ve experienced on both ends of it (giver and receiver). I’ve never seen a registry system that forced you to send the gift directly to the recipient. For us, people bought things off the registry from the store, took it home and wrapped it and brought it to the wedding or shower. I don’t think its a bad idea for a couple to point their guests in the right direction. At the same time, we didn’t mind getting some things that weren’t on the registry. We also tried to register for items all across the price spectrum. As a buyer, I appreciated having a clue as to what the couple wanted or already had, so they don’t end up with 12 toasters and no silverware.
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My sister is getting married and had pretty much these exact thoughts about gift registries, so she got me to create her own online gift registry, where she can make suggestions from ‘this specific thing’ for people who like a lot of direction through to ‘nice art’ for people who like making their own choices. Guests can also add their own items, and so on. It doesn’t have quite the same convenience as an online store registry (no ‘click to have this gift sent to the couple’, it’s just a list for them to look at and then come back and tick if they bought something off it so others know) but I think that the personalisation outweighs that.
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I’m thinking along the same lines with Jennifer. My fiancee and I are getting married this October, but we’re on our second house and have been living together for almost four years now. Thus, registries for us will help, because we are already farther along the line. Our registries will let us choose gifts to fill in the gaps in our current setup, without suddenly having to deal with a lot of extra gifts that we may already have.
As previously mentioned, this can cause feelings of obligation and guilt, and nobody wants that after their wedding.
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I have two examples where neither registries nor gifts were emphasized and where I think things will still work out nicely.
1) I’m attending a wedding this summer of a couple who are coming out of grad school. They do not know where they are going to live (which includes the city) and the bride is currently staying with her mother. If they had a registry, then it would send too many packages to the bride’s cramped apartment, and then add to their moving costs when they move to their new home. Thus, the bridge and groom had requested cold, hard cash or gift cards which they will use once they’ve moved. Makes sense to me
2) Another young couple, recently graduated from college, had lived their lives with one mission in mind: to help the poor. While they had registries online, they buried the links further down on the page and first touted three charity links. At the wedding reception, a card was placed on each table stating that the guests had provided something like 2 cows, 5 sheep, and 3 pigs for enterprising families in poor countries to support themselves. Of course, I’m sure that guests also picked up things on the registry, but the knowledge that this wedding also helped others added even more joy to the wedding – for those attending and those getting married.
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What are the opinions on home downpayment registries (cash donations which the couple puts toward the downpayment on their home)? It seems like a great idea to me.
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I just got married three weeks ago, and I struggled with registries. There are a lot of ways around the “cons” listed in the article.
1. You can have gifts shipped to you so you can include a card and wrap it as you choose. Many of my guests who shopped from the registry did this.
2. The choices aren’t prioritized, but the couple can always exchange it if, say, they really need a blender more than the lovely napkin rings you bought.
3. The options are overly directed and dictorial? I guess I didn’t feel I was dictating anything. We received gifts from the registry and not from the registry. Any gift is appreciated.
4. As far as being arrogant to think we know more about what we will need than our elders…I don’t presume to know everything, but I do know what I have in my household, and I do know what my partner and I could really use in our kitchen. If it isn’t going to get tons of use, we aren’t going to keep it.
5. The most special gift I received was an unexpected gift of a family heirloom. Again, no one if forcing oyu to buy from a registry.
6. If you can find something cheaper elsewhere, let the bride know that you purchased something for them from another store and you noticed it was on a registry. She can remove it, or if she receives two, she can take the other back. I received a mixer from a different store at my shower, and it wasn’t a problem.
7. If you are turned off by the items on the registry, think of a wonderful, personal gift for the couple. They can’t force you to buy from the registry.
8. EVERYONE SHOULD WRITE THEIR THANK-YOU NOTES. I know they don’t, but it is so horribly rude. If you don’t know if it was received, you can always ask. There are polite ways to do so without directly pointing out the rudeness of the couple. 9. If your preference is to bring a gift to the wedding, have it shipped to you or pick it up in the store and do so. We appreciated that some shipped it ahead of time because it was less work at the wedding, when everyone already has a million things to remember.
10. If you don’t want them to know what you spent, don’t buy from the registry.
Usually I buy something from a couple’s registry, plus something I pick out on my own. A couple of people did this for our wedding, and I got some cute things I wouldn’t have put on a registry.
Also, I like to buy from them because I don’t want to spend money on something they might donate to Goodwill in a week. I hate clutter, and sadly, that where some of the gifts ended up. If there wasn’t a gift recipt and we already had a toaster oven, out it went. I have no storage room. But the king gift-giver STILL GOT A THANK YOU NOTE!!! (That’s one of my biggest pet peeves.)
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I think this post accurately describes the worst aspects of modern wedding registries. Macy’s and theweddingchannel.com have done an excellent job of perverting the registry tradition to serve their own interests. For instance – couples are now “coached” to include 3x as many items on their registry as they have guests. (“To give them options!”)
But the quality of a gift registry is ultimately a reflection of the personalities involved. As long as the couple keeps in mind that it is for the convenience of the guests (who will, inevitably, want to buy them something, and hope that they cherish it forever) and not for the purpose of dictating their purchases, the wedding registry is still as effective as it ever was.
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Argh. My computer had a glitch, and I didn’t get to edit my last comment before it posted.
Wanted to add that I personally am not a fan of the “fund” gifts, such as setting up a honeymoon fund, and requesting cash isn’t really kosher, even if it is practical. People will give you cash if that’s what they would like to do. We could have used cash more than anything else since we live in a small space and have little room, but every etiquette guide I read said that there is no polite way to do so. Registries are already a stretch to most authorities on etiquette, but you’ll get so many requests from guests about registry info that it’s easier to give in and register…but do it discreetly and let your immediate family get the word out.
The point is that you should never seem like you are expecting a gift. Maybe the rules are dated, but then look at how many people are annoyed when they don’t receive a thank-you note…social etiquette rules exist to let you know how to not end up being the offending party.
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It’s nice hearing your views on wedding registries! With a friend of mine due to be married soon, he’s in the process now of setting something like this up. I’ll link him to your article and maybe he’ll put a bit more thought into it than just setting up an online ‘wishlist’ so to speak.
The comment about how years later, its the actual gifts you enjoy the most, rather than the cash, is a good point. I may have to rethink my own envelope giving!
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I’m in the same boat as Adam and Jennifer. I’m getting married in Aug. My fiance and I have both been living on our own for several years and are already well equipped to handle every day life.
I feel the exact opposite from the way J.D. does about his third point. In my opinion the wedding gift system is far too formalized as it is. In the case of my fiance and I we have no need for numerous small kitchen gadgets yet we are forced to put them on our registry anyways in order to cater to those who have less to give.
We have neither the desire, the use, nor the space for fine china, but already I have had several relatives chastise me for not including it on the registry.
What we are in dire need of is new furniture, as what we have is leftovers from our college days that is essentially falling apart. Yet such an item is too expensive to expect one person to buy and etiquette dictates that we cannot ask for money to pool towards such a useful gift.
J.D. thinks it impolite for young couple to have the gall to think that they know what they need most for their own lives and their own lifestyles. I think it’s ridiculous that others think that they know what’s best for us just because they needed it.
Furthermore, J.D. of all people should realize that there is a time value to everything. If I need fine china 10 years from now, there is no need to purchase it for me now. I’m perfectly capable of buying it for myself if I need it.
As the saying goes, it’s the thought that counts. But more often than not, it feels like the thought behind these gifts is not a genuine desire to give the couple something they will want or need, but rather simple nostalgia for what the gift giver wanted at their own wedding so many years ago.
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Note: This is a guest post. Though I’m not a fan of gift registries, I can see their utility. In nearly every case, however, I am not allowed to choose wedding gifts. That responsibility falls to another member of the household.
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I agree with other commenters that most of the problems listed are due to buying online rather than in person. It’s easier, but then you don’t get to walk in to the reception with a bag of dog food the couple registered for partly as a joke.
I sometimes think a Christmas gift registry would be good. My family– people who actually know me– are not good at picking out things I actually want. I think I’m too specific and too book-oriented. How could I expect a friend from college who sees me annually, if that, to know that I still miss dorm waffles and would love a waffle iron?
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I’ve only attended one wedding and I found the whole ordeal to be rather unpleasant. If I can get away with it I won’t attend another unless it’s immediate family and I can’t possibly get out of it. The tackyness of the registry process is one small part of my general dislike of the whole wedding game.
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I got married 2 years ago, and I felt the registry system was great to guide people on what types of gifts we could use. Many people did not buy off the registry, some items were great and useful, some were recently given to Goodwill, the last supper lace table cloth and the 24k carat gold plated crystal stemware I’m looking at you. I feel the best gift is cash, we paid for a good part of our wedding and it was nice to restore that savings after the fact. Plus it came in handy on the honeymoon.
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My personal view of gift giving is to give the person what they want (or cash or nothing), not what you want them to have. Otherwise they might just be accumulating more junk they don’t use.
What is more wasteful than buying a gift a person never wanted?
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This spoke volumes to me. I feel passionately about many of your points and am insulted by the people who talk about a gift as something they “resent”.Why would you invite someone to your wedding that you could ever resent regardless of what they brought – IT’S A GIFT!!! I guess that comes from people who invite people to their wedding they don’t love. To me that is the big down fall of weddings, people invite people to their wedding they don’t love and then they “resent” their gifts because after all the couple spent a million dollars on the party and expect gifts that they feel are worthwhile. When I married my husband he was a professional musician and knew thousands of people and so where do you draw the line? We decided that we would only invite people that we could say “I love you” to. So some aunts were invited and some not. Friends were only our truest of friends. We did not register. I think people who did not love us were relieved that they did not need to buy us a gift and attend an event all day and night because they “had to” and those that were there cared so much for us that wild horses couldn’t have stopped them from being there. We chose not to register because we wanted the gifts from the heart. We were somewhat “starving” at the time as my husband had been chasing this music career, spending more than what he earned in recording etc. but we cared more about people thinking about giving us a loving gift than furnishing our house. All our gifts were special, and we received money from some relatives who were not invited but had invited my parents to their children’s wedding and had received cash gifts. We received everything from a snuggle basket (beautiful basket full of warm blankets and comfy slippers and robes), to beach packages with a beach blanket and picnic plates etc to special towels that we still use 20 years later that an older and wiser relative knew about but “young me” would have registered for the pretty but poor quality ones. Anyway, my point was is that the people who came to our wedding loved us and put thought into our gifts, had we registered the creativity and love that went into the snuggle baskets and beach packs would never have happened. Those types of items fit Jeff and I to a tee. Yes, we got a tacky candy dish from his great grandma but it still sits in my china cabinet like a prize because when I see it I think of sweet precious Grandma T. I would not change my wedding, gifts or my husband for all the “best” gifts in the world.
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I’m getting married in three weeks, and while my fiance and I are registered at a big box store we do appreciate the more thoughtful gifts off of the registry. We decided to register because, as adults with two households, we were pretty sure that no one would have guessed what our actual needs are. That we could have come this far in life without a full set of dishes between us, for example, or that his blender belongs to his roommate and mine is broken. I’m sure if we’d both had all of the things we needed then we would have preferred to go with a donation-type gift option instead.
We certainly don’t have the brain power to talk to each person individually who asks us what we want or need. The registry is an easy way to show them what our tastes and needs are, and hopefully there will be some people who decide to go with a more creative approach.
Now I guess I better get working on some more thank you notes!
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I’m not a big fan of “obligatory giving” whatever the occasion….weddings, Christmas, etc. Don’t get me wrong; I love giving gifts, I just like it to be because I want to and not because a certain date on the calendar rolls around. That being said, I still participate–begrudgingly at times– in our cultural “traditions” regarding gifts, including using registries.
In ’96 when I got married, I didn’t want to register, but my future MIL told me that many of her friends (whom she had invited to our wedding) wanted to know where I was registered. I ended up having a registry at a big box store as well as a local gift store that had more personal, one-of-a-kind items. I hated registering, feeling very pretentious and snobbish as I did so.
I feel frustrated when I receive a bridal shower or wedding invitation and out falls 5 or 6 little mini-flyers from the various stores the couple is registered. THAT, to me, makes it feel like this is about material gain on the couple’s part. At least give me the benefit of the doubt that I’ll be smart enough to check with a few registries to find you. To send those enclosures is akin, in my mind, to requesting a certain dollar amount at the church door: tacky and inappropriate.
I think the mindset of a wedding —-and most major events like graduations and births—-these days is to “get stuff”. Just this weekend I saw my niece who is graduating from college in 2 weeks and getting married in August. Several times during the weekend she and her mother talked about getting invitations sent (to just about anyone they’ve ever met…) so people could make sure to send them stuff. Also mentioned was “making out like a bandit” from 2 major events happening so close together. I was planning to make her a quilt for a gift, but now I’ll just buy something cheap off her registry and call it good since apparently, my gift is more important that my presence.
This was a great post—-I related to most of it. Nice to know I’m no alone.
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Something doesn’t add up here:
“Registries are nothing new, of course. We registered for gifts in 1973…”
Followed further down by:
“And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later…”
Either two years have gone missing or I’m missing something here. I know my wife and I didn’t setup a wedding list until a few months before we got married.
Onto a serious point, having a wedding list prevented any duplication of presents from guests at our wedding. It may be that we didn’t have as much life experience then, but for me the two worst things that you can do when buying a gift are 1) Buying someone something they have no need for, and 2) Buying something which they’ve already got. Both create awkward situations, for both guest and recipient.
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I go back and forth on whether or not registries are good things. I think it depends on the people and what’s on the registry. When I was just out of college, I loved it. My friends were like me – they didn’t have much of anything, so I was happy to buy them a nice set of wine glasses. They were registering for the basics, nothing extravagant. But now, as we get older, the items are getting bigger.
I have one friend who did the charity thing on her list, and it sort of feels forced, to be honest. That’s the route a few of us are taking, but I do feel uncomfortable about it.
I have another set of friends who are both grad students. They had a list, but I opted to write them a check. They’re broke, and if they want to use the money to buy something from their registry they didn’t get or go out to dinner or splurge on wine I don’t care. They can use the money.
My favorite were friends who did a big list at Target with all sorts of “party” items – board games and such – and they invite people over all the time to play the games. Inexpensive and fun.
I think I do have a love-hate relationship with them. People are going to buy gifts for couples who get married, so it makes sense to put together a list of things to buy. But on the other hand, when the list is filled with pricey items, things I can’t even imagine buying for myself, I feel a little pressured. And that’s when I just end up with cash or a giftcard.
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I’m getting married in July and I had a really hard time with the gift registries. The Knot & the wedding channel both really stressed me out, saying that i HAD to register for at least 50 more gifts than guests. Even though we don’t have many possessions since we’re moving back to the states from overseas, we definitely don’t need that much stuff!
There are certain relatives & friends who have talents in particular areas (gardening, sewing & cooking). I’d like to ask them to use their talents for a home-made gift (maybe a starter set of seeds that are easy to grow & a list of instructions), but then that would be rude too.
One friend told me that my list was “low class” for registering at target. But the big department stores didn’t have the types of things we needed (trash can, tupperware & etc) or were so much more expensive that I felt silly asking for $300 pitchers…
Excuse me, I’ve worked myself up into a registry panic again.
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I’m getting married in August, and while we’d prefer cash (we’re working on buying a home), we registered because some of the family would rather buy items.
1. As someone else said, how does someone who is two generations older know what we need? My fiancee and I have been living together for a year, and we have most of the standard things. What we want is a little bit different, and so we registered.
2. How do you avoid duplicates?
3. How does someone two generations older really know our style?
4. How does buying something yourself guarantee that you get a thank you note?
5. Why judge what people have on their registry? If the ice cream scoop is overpriced, buy something else. Maybe having one really nice thing than 10 cheap things means more to someone.
6. Do you really think anyone tallies up how much was spent on the gifts you gave, and then figured out the dollar amount of your love?
Why would you ever feel confined to the registry? Seems like a loss of your imagination. Seriously, if I had a better idea for someone than something on their registry, I’d buy it. Just because you feel confined by the registry doesn’t mean the rest of the world does.
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One wedding I am attending this year has three registries; They live in an apartment, I don’t know where they are even planning on keeping the three sets of dishes and the kitchen aid mixer. I guess just like weddings, registries have gone over the top. I think they are a wonderful idea that has just been taken over by marketing.
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I like to buy $20-$30 of the cheapest items on the registry, that way I show up to the wedding with a big box full of stuff. Sure it’s selfish to buy all the cheap stuff but it’s fun.
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Registries are really only problematic in my mind when either the couple or the guests interpret the registry list as placing an order for gifts, and that nothing not on the list is acceptable.
I’ve probably bought gifts off registries 2/3 of the time I’ve bought wedding gifts. In most cases it’s not because I barely know the couple and don’t know what they’d like, either. It’s because of any combination of the following reasons:
* I don’t want to duplicate another gift (the stereotypical 7 toasters situation)
* I live on the other side of the country, and while I keep up well with what is going on in my friends’ lives, I haven’t had the opportunity to spend much time in their home
* I’d like to buy them something like a place setting of china or silverware — the reason to register for patterns for these isn’t just so the couple can pick something they like when they’ll be using it for decades to come, but so the place settings all match. (I think registering a china pattern was the original form of the wedding registry.)
Aside from the registry piece, I have to comment on this part:
“My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.”
I strongly prefer to send gifts than to bring them to the wedding. It gives the couple more time to handle thank you notes, rather than dealing with one massive batch. I’ve also always felt the “gift table” at events looked a little tacky, though I know MMV greatly on that and that others think it is a nice symbol of sharing the celebration. Mostly, though, I remember from times as a bridesmaid trying in vain to keep the gift table in order, cards falling off, ink blurring as we lugged the gifts to my car in the rain, etc. I had the fun task as MOH in that last case of calling a few people on the guest list asking if they’d given X, because we had unidentified presents and wanted to make sure thank you notes went out. But I hated that as I was so worried I’d be calling a guest who hadn’t brought a present yet and sound like I was hitting them up for one. I’m still not sure we handled that the best way possible.
And please, please consider having the gift shipped to the couple’s home instead of bringing it to the wedding if the wedding is not in the town they live in. A good friend of mine got married in her hometown 3000 miles away from their residence, and while it was lovely to see the very nice gifts her friends and family brought to the wedding, it was an expensive PITA for us to repack all the fragile stuff for shipping (the couple being on their honeymoon when this all needed to take place).
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I’m with commenter 23 (Mr. E). I have an extreme dislike for many modern wedding “traditions”.
When the gift-giving tradition started, couples were young and just moving out of their parents’ homes. These days, as other commenters have admitted to, many couples are older, have a household already, and are well-set in life.
This was the case for my husband and I. We got married last year and each owned a home already. We specifically stated on our invites that we did NOT WANT ANY GIFTS, just the joy of our guest’s presense. We did get many gifts of cash, which we sent thank-you’s for, but many others listened to our request and just showed up!
I think the expectation (it IS expected) of gifts is really annoying in today’s culture. I avoid attending weddings whenever I can!
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I’m getting married in June. I’m a few weeks shy of twenty-eight. My fiance is thirty-four. He bought a house shortly before we got together.
I have most of the kitchen supplies I’d ever need. My parents bought me a kitchenaid mixer as a graduation present when I finished my MS. There are a few exceptions (like the microwave that’s technically our housemate’s), but, by and large we’ve each acquired things over the years.
I used a registry for two reasons. First of all, I didn’t want people to waste their money on things we couldn’t use. Secondly, I looked for places where we could upgrade. We each have had stuff that goes back to our poor college student days still. (Mostly linens, some dishes.) Dishes that aren’t quite a full set anymore (makes it difficult to have a dinner party), or, linens that were cheap when we got them & need replacing. I picked things out that I knew I’d love and use.
That said, I put our registries on our website (never in the invitation, though the website was with our directions). On that page, I encouraged people to be as creative as they wanted — the registries were there for people who wanted to get us something but wanted some direction. Our housemate is making most of the wine for the wedding. One of my friends is weaving me a shawl in case it gets cool that evening (we’re outside). A friend of my fiance’s will be our DJ. My aunt called to talk to me about some ideas she had for a shower gift because she wanted it to be more personal.
I think you can find a balance between the registries for people who aren’t as creative when it comes to gifts, and, giving people free reign to get you whatever they want to get you.
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i’m with those who don’t quite understand the modern wedding — someone ends up spending often very large amounts of money to put it on, and then the gifts seem like one is “paying” for the dinner, drinks and entertainment.
For the 28 years dear Dan and I weren’t married (before I met him I had already vowed not to accept heterosexual privelege and so not to marry until everyone could get married) we often joked about what we didn’t have because we didn’t get to register. By the time we did get married, we didn’t do a “wedding,” just had a judge we know marry us privately and told people as we saw them. So, no gifts, but lots of good will. which worked for us.
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# Saro Says:
There are certain relatives & friends who have talents in particular areas (gardening, sewing & cooking). I’d like to ask them to use their talents for a home-made gift (maybe a starter set of seeds that are easy to grow & a list of instructions), but then that would be rude too.
Excuse me, I’ve worked myself up into a registry panic again.
Saro — we registered at Macy*s and Target. Macy*s just did not have some basic things, and, we picked out a few decor items and tupperware from Target. I’d advise two registries — register somewhere you can get the stuff that will last you as well as Target. (That said, if you need everyday plates, nothing beats Corelle. They last forever… and I believe they’re carried by Target and NOT Macy*s because they’re not highbrow enough. Don’t let the prices fool you into thinking that JUST because it’s expensive, it will hold up better.)
However, we put together a wedding website. One of the pages covered Registries, and, we encouraged people to be creative and to talk to us if they had any questions. This can be as simple as a “Creative gifts like a box of your favorite recipes, or, a gardening starter kit would be very welcome” line.
Beyond that, spread the word to your family & bridesmaids. They have the ability to be more blunt about what you want and need.
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Although my husband and I were 35 when we got married (and both of us had owned our own homes and lived on our own for years) both of us were still using hand me down flatwear, odds and ends cook wear (including some from the 50s that my grandmother gave me for my first apartment), etc.
Putting a registry together was a great way for us to receive complete sets so that when we host a dinner party we actually have enough forks for everyone. We had Mr. Sam’s family over for a dinner party recently and I got such a kick out of setting the table because I actually had enough forks to go around.
I think you need to do what works for you based on age, where you are in your life and the type of guests.
I had a dear friend come to my wedding (someone who I grew up with) and the best gift was that she came to our wedding.
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Have to add that no mention of gifts belongs on an invitation, even if it’s to say that you don’t want any at all. I’m with Miss Manners on that one.
Also, as to this:
“I feel frustrated when I receive a bridal shower or wedding invitation and out falls 5 or 6 little mini-flyers from the various stores the couple is registered. THAT, to me, makes it feel like this is about material gain on the couple’s part.”
Brides do not send out their own shower invitations. The person hosting the shower handles that. I would not have wanted my registry put in the shower invites, but at both showers (one thrown by coworkers, another thrown by bridesmaids), that is what they did. The bride shouldn’t have any hand in a shower thrown in her honor.
I think people should think for themselves when it comes to gift-giving and not feel like a registry means they HAVE to do anything. It’s really not a big deal if it’s done tastefully and if the couple behaves graciously when they receive all gifts given. People who are angry, frustrated, or get bad feelings from registries should relax, find something more important to worry about, and give whatever they want to give.
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I didn’t read all the comments, but I have to go on being in the pro registry crowd from both a guest and attender.
I like that I know I am getting the person what they want or need (conversely, I am getting those things). I also like that I know that I am not getting something that someone else has already given.
Furthermore, I was kind of lost on the whole comments about not getting to give the gift in person where the author said “My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple.”. I don’t know about all registries, but that was far from true in the case of ours (Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target). Someone could order the gift online and have it sent to us or they could just as easily go to the store, buy a gift, have it marked off the registry, and bring it to the wedding. I would say that most people who attended the wedding did that rather than having it shipped (though this led to some humorous occurrences when some other items in one person’s order that were not on our registry at all were marked as bought for the registry).
I don’t know exactly how we felt about people going “off registry” because this led to some cool and interesting gifts, but also to some really mediocre (though still appreciated) gifts. Therefore, I would constrain myself to the registry unless I was certain that I could come up with something great they would not have thought up. By the way, for those who want to hunt deals, by all means, go ahead and buy it somewhere else. Our registrants had great return policies for the items that were bought from the registry so they could return a copy for cash if they got one.
I will say that I think the following criticisms were valid and could be improved on by those who run registries:
* The choices are not prioritized. It would be a good idea if a registry offered a way to indicate this.
* I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived. Registries should send you some sort of delivery confirmation.
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I agree with Becky and Melissa, originally the point of wedding gifts was to start a young couple usually moving out of their parents homes for the first time. Now with most couples living together, or at least living away from home it has become more about upgrading all their stuff to the most expensive version.
I used to work in a cook store and frequently had to trail a couple round helping with their registries and almost always they just began to list any random items they could find, after picking the upgrades of the items they already owned.
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My husband and I eloped and then threw a casual party for our friends. We said “no gifts” but a few people broke the rule. My two favorites: a beautiful hand blown glass vase that the individual had for a long time and wanted to pass on to us (we still have it and is perfect for flowers from our garden), and a large pyrex bowl with snap on lid. We got it 15 years ago and we use it almost every day; for salads, as a mixing bowl, for refrigerating dough, you name it. I think we got alot of winner gifts because people were free to give what they thought was appropriate and was a reflection of their personality (and we have good taste in friends).
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As a groom-to-be going through the registry and shower portion of the engagement, I’d like to address some of your complaints from the other side of the registry.
It’s impersonal – Go to the store, buy the item, attach card, bring to wedding. I’m curious as to what sort of registries you are dealing with (or what sort of area you live in) that you can’t go to the store in person.
The choices are not prioritized – Totally agree, the first store that offers a priority system wins my heart. I hate that I can’t tell my guests what I really want and what is a whim (or what someone told us we need to have on the registry).
The options are overly directed – Because I don’t want 35 corn-dog irons, I’m telling you what I would like and what others have already bought me. If you want to pass down your wisdom on kitchen gadgets, shoot me an email with some suggestions. I’ll be very happy to read your thoughts on melon-ballers.
I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items – Fair enough, buy me whatever unique item you want to. You don’t have to use my registry if you don’t want to. Just don’t expect it to sit in a place of honor in my house for the next decade (like my family does).
I still might very well decide to give them a place setting, but I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere – This is the cost of knowing exactly what a couple wants and if anyone else has already bought it for them. It gets passed to you and the store benefits from locking us in. That’s not fair, but it’s the way of the world. To avoid this, buy us that unique item you want to buy us.
I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned – This is a wishlist, some items are going to be expensive. Don’t forget this registry has to work for every guest, from my student friends to my oil-baron uncle. Okay, so I don’t really have an oil-baron in my family, but we are inviting some quite wealthy people.
I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived – Like I said, buy it at the store, bring it to the wedding and there is no question. Or go with that unique item.
I’m uncomfortable with the couple knowing what I spent on their gift – I already know how much a skillet costs. But yeah, it is a weird feeling knowing to the cent how much you love us (kidding!).
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This post is on time with my frustration with the whole process right now. I registered 10 years ago for my wedding with more exuberance than brains. Now when I look at a young couples registry (one that DOES need everything) I cringe at how easily they pick things that look nice but have no value. (How hard is it to read the reviews on Amazon or Consumer Reports to find out that the pretty $100 Chrome toaster they’ve registered for is an expensive paperweight??) It insults me that if I get a better one that isn’t on the registry, it will be duplicated, and mine -the one they are not familiar with, would be the one to go back.
From the other side of it, I’m trying to put together a registry for my first baby and it’s been a long painful process since I’ve researched EVERYTHING so that I chose the best item/price/quality combo. I feel that I NEED a registry, because while my friends know me as I am, they have no clue about my parenting ideals – and they don’t fit into the standard Big Box Stores. It doesn’t help that I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl and I don’t want Green or Yellow as my “genderless” colors. It makes me cringe to think that my time researching this stuff may be wasted though. I’ll know when I get a 12 pack of bottles and a pack of pink onesies.
So, I’ve registered at an online registry where I can go to multiple stores, online sites and even just enter an item randomly that I need. That way my friends aren’t held to purchasing from a specific store (or purchasing it at all, if they just have one laying around that I can have) and it allows them to see what I hope to be as a parent with my choices, so maybe they will get to know me better.
I just wish there were more options out there for good online registries. With the way the internet is now, I can’t believe there are so few.
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I think EVERYONE who has faced the idea of creating a registry in recent years has the same anxiety. To register, or not to register?
But this guest poster had nothing original to say on the topic. In fact I think she inspired MORE registry anxiety, rather than inspiring those of us who follow this blog to instill GRS values somehow into a registry, or into our gift-giving. She also doesn’t even seem to understand how registries work.
Look, If we’re already reading J.D.’s blog and we’re engaged, we’re all in the same boat: we don’t NEED anything, we’re trying not to be materialistic, and yet we’re faced with the dilemma of asking for LOTS of expensive things…
…. when what most of us could use is the cash.
So many of “alternative” wedding registries focus on non-material items (like cookbooks and quilts), as if those of us who don’t want $6 wine glasses and $40 can openers are also Amish and would prefer a barn-raising to a $50 Target giftcard or a check.
Like it or not, get engaged and you’re almost forced to register at a big-box, if not for yourself, as a courtesy to those guests who, no matter how you package it, will not UNDERSTAND your alternative registry or un-registered gift wishes. Even though you’re frugal and non-materialistic, once you get engaged you realize it’s almost easier to be a Bridezilla whose tastes entirely match the Crate&Barrel catalog than to have non-trad gift desires.
No matter how traditional or alternative your wedding or registry, the thing to remember is that you’re going to get stuff you don’t want, and not get stuff you do, and that’s just the way it goes. It’s less about designing the perfect list as it is about being at peace with the process and letting it play out.
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I agree that wedding registries are very useful, particularly when one doesn’t know the bride & groom well. My husband and I are often invited to the weddings of out-of-state friends and cousins. We know the parents, but we don’t know the tastes of the bride and groom. A wedding registry helps us know that they need towels, for instance, but they’re good on stemware, or whatever; and I appreciate that.
What I dislike about the registry process, though, is how crass is seems. It implies that instead of an invitation to a celebration, we’re really being solicited to support their desired lifestyle. Honeymoon registries and down payment registries look even more greedy.
A bride and groom should be inviting people to share in the joy of their celebration, rather than expecting gifts. In essence, the bride and groom are GIVING the gift of a celebration to their guests. Sure, guests generally give gifts, but to EXPECT gifts perverts the point of the wedding. And to complain about the quality of the gift, or to fail to write thank you notes, makes the bad worse.
Like other posters, I disagree with the whole concept that you should list 50 extra items so that people have choices. To me, a 300-item registry looks greedy. If the young couple could use help setting up a new household, I’m glad to buy something off the list. But the lists I’ve seen lately include manicure sets, scrapbooking supplies — just stuff that’s not about a shared life together. I don’t like it.
I still buy the gifts, though.
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For anyone keeping track at home, I have the love/hate relationship with registries. I think they are materialistic and tacky but also useful and efficient. I used JustGive’s charitable registry for my wedding, this allows you to select multiple charities so that you make sure you’re giving people options that they don’t object to (though how many charities do people really object to, I’ve always wondered, given that most of them do things like helping the poor, feeding the hungry, healing the sick?)
Finally for those who want the registry to be prioritized, Amazon offers an option where you can put “really want” or “sort of want” and things like that next to each item (though you have to wonder about people who are putting lots of items they don’t really want on their list). Which is nice, plus they have just about everything in the world.
My final comment is for people saying “I hate registries, but I made one because my relatives/friends pressured me into it”. Don’t do ANY stuff for your wedding (inviting people, making registries, or anything else) because someone pressured you into it. I hate seeing people stress over something that’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable. When people said to me “why don’t you have a registry? You really ought to have one” I said – “because receiving lots of unnecessary gifts doesn’t make me happy. Donations to charity make me happy, and people attending to my wedding without feeling like they have to pay for it makes me happy. If you want to give something, give a donation, otherwise, your presence is my present. This is my party that I’m sharing with you. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy it, not worry about what I should or shouldn’t do with it.”
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I am not married, but I’ve attended numerous weddings of friends and/or relatives. I like the idea of registries – that a couple can put down things they like. I tend to look at them more as a guideline. Sometimes I buy off of them, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I buy a better quality item than they asked for.
As far as listing items on a registry, if you don’t want china, don’t register for it! No one is forcing you to register for it.
A friend of mine registered at Macy’s and Crate & Barrel and very few items were under $50. Her tastes were way more than I was willing to spend. My suggestion is to put a variety of prices down so guests have options based on what they want to spend. As a result, I didn’t buy something from her registry.
If I ever get married, the first place I will register is a home improvement store like Home Depot. Why? I own my own townhouse and have had to buy a lot of kitchen items myself so my kitchen is well-stocked. I got my grandmother’s china so I don’t need that either. What I don’t have is tools – shovels, garden hose, sprinkler, etc.
My suggestion for couples is to think outside the box and think of activities you like to do together. If you like camping, register for camping supplies! What about lawn chairs? Grilling accessories? It doesn’t have to be all kitchen-related items. Board games are great, too. I’ve seen a lot of people register for movies, but I’m too practical to ever buy a movie for a wedding present.
I am not fond of giving activities to do during the honeymoon. A friend of mine registered for those and I thought it was too impersonal. I like to add my own touch to a gift and have something they can open and enjoy.
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