This is a guest post from Betsy Teutsch, who writes about socially responsible investing, savvy consuming, and sustainable living at Money Changes Things.
The practical side of me loves wedding registries, and the values-driven side of me has grown to loathe them as brides and grooms seem ever bossier. Registries are nothing new, of course. We registered for gifts in 1973, and as a result received two lovely sets of china and ten place-settings of silver. Beyond that, it was open season: we received all sorts of gifts we had not designated. Most we used, a few we actively hated, and many we came to appreciate and even love over time. (Regifting hadn’t been “invented” back then.). From the point of view of the brides and grooms, wedding registries have many upsides. But let’s look at it from the perspective of the gift-giver.
Pros and cons
The pros of a gift registry are:
- Efficiency. You can order the gift and you’re done. The store ships it and you don’t have to wrap it, schlep it, or even buy a card.
- The couple picks what they want, and you know your gift is to their taste, which is especially helpful if you hate shopping or don’t know the couple well enough to key in to their life style. Easy. Done.
From my point of view, the negative list is more extensive:
- It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.
- The choices are not prioritized. Recently, after scrolling through scores of chosen items, I finally decided to just purchase a gift certificate from the registry and let the couple decide. Wrapping and shipping would have been an extra $20, which seems mostly wasted.
- The options are overly directed. The attitude expressed, even if it’s not intentional, is DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING US SOMETHING NOT ON OUR LIST! I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer. This is often the case because the couple is using a store registry, which is a fixed template without options to comment or personalize any aspect of the choices. They come off sounding very dictatorial.
- I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts, which cannot be purchased from a registry. It’s also nice to give a family heirloom or something more personal.
- I still might very well decide to give them a place setting of something they’ve chosen, or whatever, but as a sport PSAWSWLD [J.D.'s note: Yeah, I had to click that link, too.], I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere online, and/or perhaps using Amazon Prime’s free shipping, thereby giving them a more valuable gift.
- I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned. (And I’ve lived a perfectly abundant life!) I like to feel simpatico with the gift I’m giving, since it’s an expression of my values.
- I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived, since brides and grooms (or bride + bride and groom + groom) are often really terrible about writing thank-yous. My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.
- The old-fashioned side of me feels uncomfortable with the couple knowing precisely, down to the dime, what I spent on their gift. It feels so calculated. I mean, why don’t they just send a bill?!
Other options
A few brides and grooms I know have worked to transcend the tax-assessment feel of store registries. While they feel obliged to include conventional stores on their wedding sites (because that’s what lots of their guests do prefer), they expand their suggestions, including favorite charities and causes. One couple said they would love gift certificates to local bookstores and garden shops and described their garden, giving their guests a sense of their values and passions. A few years ago we gave a giant composter to this couple, since they had included it on a wishlist, and it really spoke to me; I totally enjoyed sending it to them. The fancy china comes out maybe once a year, but that composter is used every day!
Another way some couples counteract the gimmes is to ask for non-material gifts. Recently all the invitees to a wedding we attended were asked by the bride’s friend to submit a favorite recipe, which they made into a cookbook for the bride and groom. Another woman I know did something similar for her future daughter-in-law, collecting recipes from all the immediate family, including copies of recipes written by grandmothers no longer alive. (She made copies for all the contributors, and I’m sure they are treasured!)
A nice custom in the Jewish community is to send close friends and family fabric squares to decorate, which are then sent back and stitched together to create the wedding canopy. None of these touches are instead of a material gift, but they serve to make guests feel like they are more than ATMs.
Some couples create an online donation registry in lieu of gifts, but the site notifies the couple of the amount of each contribution, something which makes some people (like me, for example!) uncomfortable. I recently received a link to New American Dream’s registry where the celebrants (brides and grooms, new parents, etc) can set up a registry asking for whatever they like, mixing purchased and guest-created items. Their sample asks for recipes, food for potluck weddings, advice, and fair-traded household things. Very nice idea for a small, simple event, but for a conventional, fancy wedding, I think it would freak people out. (It would be a nice additional alternative to a conventional registry, though; a couple could do both, and explain their thinking on their wedding website, the new de rigeur system for communicating wedding plans.)
And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later, it’s the beautiful, thoughtful items which I enjoy, the cash long ago having been plowed into aggregate savings. Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift. (If the couple is a pair of starving students, money is still a great idea, perhaps along with a smaller material item.)
Let’s hear what you all think about wedding registries, pro or con, and from both givers and receivers’ points of view. Are they a necessary evil, a godsend, or something in between?
Teutsch previously told GRS readers about the pros and cons of working at home and discussed how to get a grip on consumerism.
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I hate gift registries. It seems like there is never anything within my budget and/or if I do find something within my budget, it is out of stock or already given. So for my close friends, I illustrate a custom poem that I make for them and frame it. I make it personal for each couple and it is something nice they can hang on their wall. For people I’m not that close to, I just give them a gift card to whereever they are registered with a little note “Here’s a little something to finish off your registry”. No fuss, no muss.
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Well, actually I’d french kiss a frog in order to have a $300 Kitchen Aid mixer rather than my $20 hand mixer from Target. It’s really a pretty elite tool. Alas, my budget doesn’t allow it.
Then again, I wouldn’t put it on a bridal registry because I’d be appalled to suggest somebody spend $300 on my gift.
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One thing I am realizing reading these posts is that many weddings are much more multicultural these days, as people move around, and marry people from different places and ethnicities. Just because something is proper etiquette in one culture/community doesn’t mean that it’s so in another.
I still think a personal thank you is essential. (to the reader who asked me what century I’m from, the answer is the 20th. Checking a UPS package tracker to see that someone signed off on the gift I went to the trouble and expense to send is not a replacement for a personal thank you.)
But even that is culturally based. israelis don’t write thank you notes, for example.
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We put a page on our wedding site essentially saying “First and foremost, we want you to come. If you’d like to give us a gift, we’ll appreciate anything. If you don’t know what to give us, here are some things we’d like.”
So some people bought us things from the registry (woot for matching lamps and a matching china set). And other people bought us lovely gifts like…actually, we received 3 different decorative dishes from Italy, Denmark, and Palestine. Or a hand-crocheted blanket (excellent quality). Or shares of a llama. Or just showing up.
On the giving end, I really appreciate them if I don’t know the bride and groom too well. In the last year I was so close to one bride that I made her wedding dress. And I knew so little about one that I gave her a lettuce cooler because it was on the registry and seemed useful for preserving produce.
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Nice writeup.
My fiance and I have struggled with the concept of the registry this year as we plan our wedding for this August. Our primary problem is we live minimalist life and are leaving the country 6 months after the wedding to travel and work abroad for a few years. The last thing we want is to have a bunch of gifts to store as we will only be able to store some key items in my parents crawl space.
In all honesty, we would just prefer a cash gift if people feel like they would like give us a gift. However, when asked by an aunt about a gift registry I told her our concerns with it and I got a fairly negative response to the idea of cash gifts.
We aren’t sure what to do, as many people feel obligated to give a gift (although we dont’ feel anyone has give us a gift, we’re just glad they can come to the wedding. On one hand, the wedding is relatively small with close friends and family– people that know our life plan for the next 5 years. On the other hand, I know poeple don’t like giving cash or something you can place a numerical value on.
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Wow, lots of emotion elicited here, on both sides of the fence.
One thing that my neighborhood has been doing for years with both bridal and baby showers, is the option of a group gift, coordinated by whoever is hosting the shower (usually a close friend of the family.) People can give however much money they feel comfortable with, and then the coordinator (who usually has coordinated with the bride and groom to find out what they really need) buys a large ticket item that they’ll really appreciate. For my baby shower, I was given a baby swing which was a high-price item for my neighborhood (and has saved my sanity on more than one occasion!)I wrote a thank-you note to everyone who participated letting them know how much I appreciated the gift, and the givers knew they had given me something that was really, truly needed and wanted.
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Such emotion over such a simple thing- I agree that registries can be tacky or a blessing depending on the couple and how it is handled-
I have a list of items I prefer to give as wedding gifts and a price range I stay in- that said I use my BRAIN when choosing gifts
The most recent wedding I attended was for some friends from church. I am very close to them in some ways, in others, not so much. Wineglasses are something that’s on my personal gift list, but pilsners were on theirs. That’s a compromise I can work with.
And my cousin still thanks me for the target gift card when they got married a week before moving to a new town to start grad school- It turns out I bought them toilet paper and Comet at the new place.
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As a hopefully last comment! We registered on Amazon.com, and they have a priority system. “nice to have, love to have” and something in between. They also had a spot for comments. It was great! But that’s the only one I have seen like that.
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In case anyone is reading down this far…I like registries and plan to register when I get married. I agree with other posters who state that registries help us choose a gift for the couple that they need and want. Whenever I give a gift now, I give a gift receipt with it because I would not be offended if it was traded.
I have attended several occasions (baby showers, weddings, etc) where I’ve bought a gift off the registry and others when I bought a gift that was not on the registry.
I traveled out of state to attend a wedding of a friend. My finances were ‘tight’ at the time and I could not afford a gift from their registry (I couldn’t afford a full place setting and didn’t feel comfortable wrapping one plate
Anyway, I found a great gift at a ridiculous discount. It turns out the gift did not align with their taste but I was not prepared negative way it was received.
A few years later, I had an unsettling conversation with the bride. In our converstation, she mentioned her dissastifaction with gifts they received that were not on their registry. She also mentioned that the proper thing to do was to give a gift that was equal to the price per plate of the reception… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! What was my response…nothing, I was speechless. It made me upset because I remember how LONG it took me to find a gift I was comfortable giving that I could afford and still be able to attend the wedding.
I understand that at times we may end up with gifts we don’t want or need but I don’t think we should ever be ungrateful for the time, money, and thought someone puts into giving us a gift.
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This was really interesting to read…..someone had mentioned above that the frustration is really not about the registry per se, but rather the perceived greediness. I think I’m in that camp…..I dislike the entitlement mentality that does often seem to come with these big occasions–weddings, babies, etc….
AND I have to say, I’m seeing the benefit and practicality of a registry that I didn’t see before.
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I actually did what libraripagan suggested (#37) and noted on the registry page of our website “creative gifts…). I’d already written a note about how gift are not expected. I feel much better about the situation.
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Megan (81) That’s awful! But good for you on doing it that way. It makes it so much easier!
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I couldn’t disagree more with this post. Money is the only gift worth giving. Odd for a personal finance blog to advocate buying useless crap. The average age couples marry is roughly 27 for men and 25 for women. You have plenty of crap by then, no need for others to buy any more for you. If they actually care how much you give, then you need new friends.
It’s also odd for a personal finance blog to advocate the whole Wedding Industrial Complex.
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I am so happy to see this – I really don’t like registries either. The only thing tackier is ASKING FOR CASH. That’s just gross. You are inviting people to celebrate your new family – and now you are charging admission? YUCK. And if you use a registry, I am BEGGING you, don’t include the info in the invite. If people want to know, they will call the couple’s parents or bridal party and ask.
I will say, when my young cousins (23) get married, I am more than happy to buy off their registry – for them, it makes total sense.
When my friends over 30 (many of them making six-figure salaries) register for china, I am forced to ask…what the heck are you eating off of now? Do you really need a crystal fruit bowl? It is just gross over-consumption. BLECH.
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I always give the most personal gift of all, cash. Seriously, it is what I needed most when I got married. I put together a card, some warm wishes, and a check.
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I’m surprised to hear people comment on pricey items on a registry as being tacky. In my area, larger items are included in case a group wants to go in together on a joint gift. They don’t expect one single person to buy a $200 gadget.
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If you’ll agree that Miss Manners is the authority on etiquette, then these are the rules:
1. Ship or drop off the gifts ahead of time. Why are you even going to the wedding if your wants and needs are more important than making the day after the wedding a little easier? It gives them time to write the thank-you notes early, and to ensure that they know who the gift is from. We had two gifts with no clue as to who gave them.
2. Do not EVER mention gifts in any form or fashion. Do not direct guests to give cash. Do not tell guests to not buy a gift. NOTHING. No matter what the motive, good or bad, there is no proper way to direct gift-giving. If you have a registry, make it a subtle part of a wedding site, or let your wedding party get the word out.
You can reason until the cows come home that cash is more practical. I would have preferred it, too, but I was more concerned with not offending the people who had come to celebrate our wedding, so that won out.
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Most of the negatives don’t seem to be “anti-registry” so much as being strangely angered by the gall of a young couple having preferences, and the audacity to share those preferences with people who might wish to know.
A case in point is the quote, “I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer.” Truly? You find it arrogant that individuals know more about their own needs and desires than someone else who just happens to be older? A few paragraphs down, you then say “Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift.” Soo…they are mature, financially independent, and yet too young and selfish to decide what they would like in their own home? A guest who feels that they are able to choose a gift of value and wisdom off-registry should feel free to do so – but I think it’s very strange to fault the couple for sharing their own ideas with interested guests.
“Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple.” Shipping or hand-delivering gifts before the wedding actually is the correct thing to do, etiquette-wise. Moreover, all online stores will give the sender feedback regarding tracking and shipping, so I’m confused as to the point here. Registries don’t really have anything to do with brides and grooms lacking the basic manners to write thank-you notes.
I understand that in some situations, and with some couples, the registry comes off as a “gimme” list. But registries can also be truly helpful guides to guests who are interested in choosing gifts the couple is sure to enjoy. I certainly don’t see what’s wrong with having it available for guests to use if they desire.
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Call me crazy but It’s the bride and grooms wedding – Wherever they prefer I purchase them a gift from, that is where I’ll purchase a gift from. Its not about my comfort level or preferences but about what they want on that day. I have yet to attend any wedding where the bridge and groom didn’t have at least a few affordable options on their registry.
Also for those of you who haven’t planned a wedding, or who had a really low key wedding, just a reminder – If people have a traditional wedding, chances are they are paying somewhere between 50-100 dollars a head – so don’t forget to be generous.
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@Cara (#96) – I actually investigated further the issue of whether or not it’s bad etiquette to bring a gift to a reception or drop it off ahead of time, and there appears to be regional differences. In certain areas (like where I live in the Midwest), gift tables are standard and entirely acceptable; elsewhere, not so much.
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as someone who spent 20 months planning and saving the money to pay for my recent wedding, with 117 of our loved ones from 18 states, what seems lost to me in all of this is the poster’s gratitude for the couples, many of whom just want to put on a great celebration for all. we spent 85% of our budget on food/wine/rentals.
if your opinion of the couple is that they’re greedy, then your attendance at the wedding is pretty two-faced.
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@Stacey(#121): I could not agree more. Our wedding is doubling as a family reunion of sorts. I don’t mind working an extra job for a year to pay for it, because in the end I know I’ll at least break even (and get a sweet toaster).
Look, I didn’t have this attitude until I had to plan my own wedding. Now I fully realize the cost. If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.”
Sure it’s crass, but current wedding etiquette dictates that we abide by this “even exchange” rule, yet remain polite enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.
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@Jane
I am 39 years old and live in Oregon. I’ve been to many weddings in my life. All of them have had a gift table. I’ve never heard the “it’s bad etiquette to bring gifts” thing until this thread, which leads me to believe maybe it’s an East Coast thing…
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Well, heck. I guess I had the ultimate frugal wedding- with no gifts. My wedding cost about 400 bucks. We had no gift registry and we received no gifts. Wait, maybe the in-laws sent some flowers or something. I like the trade-off.
I actually paid more to be in someone else’s wedding. The free drinks were nice but certainly didn’t offset my expenses- not that it should since it was my choice to be there. And yes I gave a gift off their registry. The item seems lame but was obviously something my buddy’s wife wanted. I don’t know what I was supposed to do with the gift, but I actually had it shipped to their house from the retailer. I received it there and left it.
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I found this an interesting article, especially since I am newly engaged. I think there are pros and cons to the wedding registry system, though I think you have understated the pros and overstated the cons. I am wavering on the registry idea but I like your suggestions about how people can feel involved beyond ATMS, such as the fabric decoration or recipe collection.
I do think things have changed. When my friend got married about four years ago she was opposed to the idea of a wedding registry on principle – but she and her fiance got so much pressure from guests that they caved in and got one. I think if people are paying a reasonable sum of money on a gift they want to know that it will be appreciated and that they are not doubling up. It doesn’t mean people can’t buy off the registry or from other shops (though there’s a risk) and it certainly doesn’t mean that personal gifts such as pottery would not be appreciated.
I agree that most brides and grooms are bad at writing thank you letters and this is bad form. The answer is NOT to bring the gift to the wedding! It simply creates an added logistical burden on the wedding day and since the couple is likely to leave for the honeymoon immediately afterwards, it increases the likelihood that they won’t write a thank you note. The traditional thing to do is to send (or deliver) the gift before the wedding as this is when the bride and groom are focused on administration. There’s a reason for tradition – it makes it easier for everyone.
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@Char, wow you actually invited some aunts and not others? That’s hardcore. I could never do that. And saying that it’s because you’re only inviting the aunts you love makes it even worse (actually I love all my aunts). Both my fiance and I have large families so this is going to blow our wedding guest numbers through the roof but c’est la vie.
@others, I can’t believe anyone would send a registry flyer with a wedding invitation. That’s unbelievably tacky! If I go down the registry route, I will probably just register a few things I really want and then let my mother and mother-in-law-to-be know so that they have the information when asked.
We are having the wedding in Australia where we are both from, and where the majority of our family and friends live. But we are currently living in the UK, so it might be handy to have a registry here. Any gifts in Australia will have to be shipped or stored for our return.
I don’t feel any sense of entitlement when it comes to gifts but I know people are going to give them.
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All weddings have gift tables because brides know that people will still bring gifts to the wedding, and they’ll need to go somewhere. It’s not like you can send a memo telling guests that they need to ship their gift.
Any Emily Post or Miss Manners book will tell you to ship or drop off your gift for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with which coast you live on. It’s easier on the bride and groom, although one person who posted above thinks that shouldn’t be her concern.
I haven’t always done this because I didn’t know I should until pouring through etiquette
guides for my own wedding and then seeing my poor parents try to figure out how to arrange for enough cars to bring the bigger items home since my husband and I had left on the honeymoon. I also got thank-you notes out the door more quickly for gifts sent ahead.
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@JD, the notion that you shouldn’t bring gifts to the wedding is not an ‘East Coast’ thing. It’s not even just a US thing – I’m Australian, I live in the UK, and I’ve been to two weddings in the US. (You have an international blog, doncha know?)
It’s actually what all the etiquette books tell you, though I agree it’s not always practised. Inevitably people _will_ bring gifts to the wedding, and I’ve done it myself on occasion. It’s just that it’s against official etiquette and there are practical reasons for discouraging the practice.
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@ Katherine
“If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.””
I really don’t get this argument, either the couple likes me enough to spend $50-100 without expectation and therefore will be grateful for any gift. Or they only like me enough to exchange $50-100 of food and entertainment for $50-100 worth of shiny new household goods of their choosing.
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At Chinese weddings, guests never bring gifts and are never expected to bring gifts. However they will bring a red envelope that contains cash to bless the new couple.
As for family members, the new bride and groom must offer a cup of tea to the in-laws one by one. If they welcome him/her, they will accept the tea and drink it and adorn him/her with gold jewelry gifts.
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My boyfriend and I are in the process of getting engaged. We have a ton of debt we’re both going to be 30 and we can’t afford to have our own place or buy a house for a few years. We cannot get a townhouse for #300,000 where we live. I don’t want to register as we would appreciate cash gifts since we can’t afford the wedding in the first place. The cheapest wedding where we live is $25,000 I’ve looked into everything and that is the lowest amount we can spend..off season, doing everything ourselves etc. So, I don’t want gifts- we have both had our own places in the past so we don’t need anything. I always give cash because I understand how ridiculous it is to spend your downpayment on a wedding.
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I was just married about a month ago and we purposefully did not register anywhere. I passed the word around that any gift we receive would be cherished, but that we are moving across the country, so are not looking to add a lot of items to the move. As well, we are hoping to be able to buy a house once we move, so any cash received would be put toward paying down debt and a down-payment savings fund. I looked and looked for a bank that can set up an account specifically for this purpose, where guests could deposit whatever amount they like and receive something from the bank (like a receipt) and the bride + groom would know how gave to send out thank yous. But no one seems to do that. I guess it was popular 20 or 30 years ago, but has gone out of style.
Also, my aunt and uncle believe that the size/value of the gift should match the wedding. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you give an extravagant gift to a couple who spends $100,000 on a wedding, and obviously can afford those extravagances themselves, and skimp on someone who obviously tightened their belt just to spend $10,000 on a wedding. They obviously need the help more (esp. when you are talking about giving cash).
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“Yeah, 13 years later it’s the items I didn’t register for and couldn’t find a return place and cannot sell that I still resent. The gift and the giver.”
I don’t mind gift registries, in fact, I appreciate a heads up on what a couple needs, likes and can use. What I can’t stand, and what has been pointed out already, is the sense of obligation to give a gift, the downright obnoxious and ungracious behavior of some brides and grooms when they receive gifts they feel are sub-par and the belief that GUESTS should foot the bill for a “dream wedding”, as illustrated by the following quote:
“If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.””
As a wedding guest, if I get the sense that a bride and groom are looking for me to pay for the “privilege” of attending their wedding, and I can not graciously decline the invite, I will purposely lowball their gift, picking a cheap registry item or giving a nominal amount well below the “suggested minimum donation” for those seeking cash gifts.
If you can’t afford to host a big wedding, can’t be gracious enough to accept whatever gifts you receive, then elope and forgo the 200 reception. Then you won’t be bothered with the “hassle” of unwanted gifts from guests obnoxious enough to gift what they believe is an affordable and appropriate token to honor your marriage.
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I agree with this post — the registry system is fraught with problems and pitfalls. However! Shipping household items directly to the recipient is just practical (unless you’re bringing items to a shower).
It seems that trying to find something vaguely personal or personalizing a registry gift is the right way to go. Even if you don’t know the couple well, it’s not a stretch to assume if someone’s asking for wine glasses or baking equipment that they like to drink wine or bake food. Run with that knowledge.
And this seems mean, but I often decide how much I can spend on a gift based on how far I have to travel for the happy event and what other expenses are involved (i.e. specific dresses or hosting parties if you’re a bridesmaid, etc.) It feels terribe to say it, but you know what? You can’t buy love, or wrap it up in a box.
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Hmm…I don’t think registries are perfect, but I don’t like the reasons given here.
It’s only impersonal if you send it direct. You can always bring it to the wedding. That’s what I and my friends all do for each other.
Again, wrapping and shipping are free in store. As far as choices are not prioritized, I don’t understand that. The registry is a help, a guide. You could have said you wish the list would be BETTER with priorities. But I, for one, prefer ANY list to no list at all, even if it is not prioritized.
When we mentioned our registry, we said “if you want to give a gift, and would like some suggestions, here are some possible choices” and listed our registries. The attitude expressed depends on the person and how the registry is presented. I don’t think you should automatically be annoyed at arrogance that may or may not be there.
Again, you don’t HAVE to use their registry. I don’t see why them putting a registry card in your invite gives you all these inhibitions. If you like homemade crafts, you think outside the box. So do that with their wedding. Ignore the registry. It’s not that hard.
And, lastly, you say brides and grooms are horrible at writing thank yous. So this means registries are horrible? I think this means people need to learn to be thankful. That has nothing to do with a registry.
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I’ve also never heard the “it’s bad etiquette to bring gifts” thing. I’ve been to many many weddings (all east coast, too, I might say), and 90% of the people bring gifts.
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Speaking as an only-guest so far, I almost feel bad not buying off the registry. After all, I’m sure it sucks for people to not get the things they really need.
On the other hand, I recently went to a friend’s bridal shower, and I decided to forego the registry. I printed out a photo of some flowers she had received (from friends to commemorate her grandfather’s life), and I mounted and framed it all pretty-like. I also bought a canvas bag, since we had once had a conversation about how to live more eco-friendly. I’m a crunchy tree-hugger, and she expressed a desire to do more.
I was nervous about whether or not I should have just gone with the registry, but she turned out to love the present. I think a personal touch is the way to go when possible, but the registry is delightful when I care about someone, want to celebrate, but am not quite sure what to do.
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An old friend gave me his wedding gift idea – a garden hose from Sears. They come with a lifetime guarantee, are black (fancier looking than the green ones), and come in different links. He never wrapped his, just popped a bow on top and on to the gift table it went. Everyone knew what they were probably going to get in advance, and everyone with a yard or patio loved them!
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Just yesterday I received an invitation to a shower. It included a cutsey little poem that basically said we have all the pots and pans we need, what we really want is money for our honeymoon. I am so totally turned off by this, is it now the norm?
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We’re getting married in a month and we did the traditional (pots and pans) and nontraditional registries (honeymoon). Most of the older generation has gotten stuff off the traditional registry, but our generation loves the honeymoon registry. Other newly weds have told us they wished they had set something like that up for themselves. We used Peggy Posts wording on our website to announce where we’re registered, but have otherwise not specifically talked about gifts with guests.
We wanted the guests to feel like it was an easy process to give a gift they knew we’d appreciate. We’ve gotten some fabulous gifts that weren’t on our registry that we love (heirloom pieces and a lemon tree)! However, I also have a big pile to sell on eBay because our small apartment has no extra room for fancy dust catchers (those statues with no faces freak me out!).
I think the registry system isn’t broken. It’s a tool which gift givers can use or choose not to use. It’s a suggestion for types of gifts we would treasure, not a mandate.
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We registered…even though I had most of my kitchen stuff already. (Two years before we got married, before I’d even met him, I decided that it was stupid to go thru life with one pot and a few mismatched dishes and such left over from college days…just because I was single). We registered at Walmart, Bed Bath & Beyond, and on Amazon.com and except for the stuff on Amazon (which were random, fun-for-us type things for those people that didn’t want to give run-of-the-mill things) we tried to keep everything we registered for under $50…most was under $20. We got a lot of gift cards, which was nice as it gave us a chance to really see what things we’d actually need and use on a daily basis…and allowed us to combine cards to buy the bigger ticket items that we’d have felt too uncomfortable asking for on a registry without feeling greedy!! I think that registries can be helpful to those people who really can’t figure out your tastes…but I do agree with some commenters that some lists are really “gimme-gimme” when you see someone who you know doesn’t even know how to make gravy asking for a $50 gravy boat!!
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I love sending wedding gifts. If the registry taps into a list of your dreams and wishes, from the salt shakers to your dream home, I am delighted. The more personalized, the better. A good registry represents both your needs and your style as a couple.
There are so many choices of places to register or how to register that even the “have to” registering should be fun for couples. We had a great time with ours 8 years ago putting together our wish list from LL Bean (everything from dish towels to canoes). The types of gifts we get now still reflect those personal preferences (people close to us now know how much we love the casual beach cottage style, seaglass, fishing, etc).
I like both the convenience and wish list aspects of most store registries. The mailing address is there, preferences for color and patterns, usually a range of choices and prices, but most importantly, I can do do the whole thing (purchase, wrap, ship) quickly if I need to.
May I also add, how kind it is to tell people that a gift is not expected especially when a person is part of the wedding, or has to travel.
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One of things that has been overlooked in this thread is the effect of large weddings.
If the bride’s parents are footing some or all of the wedding costs, it seems reasonable to me that they should have some input on the guest list. Yet, if the parents want to invite their boss or their third cousin Sally who the couple hasn’t seen for 10 years – how are guests like that supposed to know what to give?
It would be one thing if all of the guests lived within a 10 mile radius of the couple and they routinely interact with one another. In such a case, all of the guests would have an excellent idea what the couple may want or need. They would have first-hand experience of the couple’s abode and taste.
At a wedding with 150 people, however, how can there be such an expectation? “I want to invite Jim because Jim invited me to his wedding 5 years ago, but I have only seen Jim and his wife twice over those 5 years.” Or, “my dad is picking up the alcohol tab and inviting his three best friends would really make him happy.”
Jim and his wife, and that father’s three best friends are going to have a hard time personalizing a gift for this thoughtful couple.
Larger weddings, it seems to me, are quite hospitable to wedding registries because one can’t assume that all (or even most!) of the guests are intimately familiar with the couple.
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I think this subject is as touchy as politics–everyone has an opinion, and it’s not open to influence.
Most people who like registries, like them because they used them for their weddings. They liked going into the store with one of those wands/guns and selecting whatever their heart’s desire…or going on a favorite store’s website and selecting whatever their heart’s desire. It makes them feel special and it makes their relationship feel abundant.
I personally didn’t have a big wedding and I registered for 5 items that I truly needed – I think it totalled less than $400. I received a lot of cash and checks as gifts from close family who attended my small wedding reception. I received a few items from my registry from cow-workers and friends.
Every bride (or couple) is different though. I just wish that weddings and wedding gift giving were more meaningful. It seems that pretty much everyone follows the same commercial formula when planning their wedding (including registering for gifts at the same major department stores) — and it has become about the expenses involved.
If everyone involved has the money to be planning huge weddings and buying expensive registry gifts – then great! It is nice though to feel like the couple is respectful of varying income levels when they selected the required attire for the wedding party and gifts on their registry.
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@cookie-
You can afford to get married. What you cannot afford is a wedding. They are drastically different.
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Char (comment #26):
Thank you! Thank you! I stopped reading comments after yours. You captured so much what I believe that I want to cry.
Thank god there are people like you and your husband. It reminds me that I am not alone in my views regarding what a wedding (including gifts) is and should be: Those who love you standing up and support your marriage. All the rest is “gravy”.
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I agree with many of your pro’s for a gift registry, the thing is my fiance feels very uncomfortable regarding the whole mentioning of presents at all. I understand people will want to buy gifts, as i do when i am a guest at someone else’s wedding. And i feel a registry is a real help for those wanting to buy something that will be found useful by the couple. So we are cought between not wanting to seem presumptuous and mention presents, gift registery etc. and receiving 50 vases that we wont get the pleasure of using all of them. Thanks for reading and we would be so grateful for any suggestions.
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I completely agree but I think you miss the key point. You don’t invite guests to the wedding for the gifts; you invite them to help you celebrate a milestone in your life. Gifts really should not be required. If a couple can not afford their own place settings, perhaps they should work on acting like fiscally responsible adults before undertaking the most important commitment of their lives.
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I have never heard anyone so frequently use the word “I” in relation to a gift they are giving someone else. “I WANT”, “I FEEL”, “I DON’T LIKE [insert activity here]“. Me, me, me. You should just give them a picture of yourself and be done with it.
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My friends got married but they live in 2 different cities while they finish up school. All they “registered” for was Southwest gift cards. They don’t have room to store extra stuff and they are always flying to see each other. Do what works for you!!
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