Thank you! Thank you! I stopped reading comments after yours. You captured so much what I believe that I want to cry.

Thank god there are people like you and your husband. It reminds me that I am not alone in my views regarding what a wedding (including gifts) is and should be: Those who love you standing up and support your marriage. All the rest is “gravy”.

You can afford to get married. What you cannot afford is a wedding. They are drastically different.

Most people who like registries, like them because they used them for their weddings. They liked going into the store with one of those wands/guns and selecting whatever their heart’s desire…or going on a favorite store’s website and selecting whatever their heart’s desire. It makes them feel special and it makes their relationship feel abundant.

I personally didn’t have a big wedding and I registered for 5 items that I truly needed – I think it totalled less than $400. I received a lot of cash and checks as gifts from close family who attended my small wedding reception. I received a few items from my registry from cow-workers and friends.

Every bride (or couple) is different though. I just wish that weddings and wedding gift giving were more meaningful. It seems that pretty much everyone follows the same commercial formula when planning their wedding (including registering for gifts at the same major department stores) — and it has become about the expenses involved.

If everyone involved has the money to be planning huge weddings and buying expensive registry gifts – then great! It is nice though to feel like the couple is respectful of varying income levels when they selected the required attire for the wedding party and gifts on their registry.

If the bride’s parents are footing some or all of the wedding costs, it seems reasonable to me that they should have some input on the guest list. Yet, if the parents want to invite their boss or their third cousin Sally who the couple hasn’t seen for 10 years – how are guests like that supposed to know what to give?

It would be one thing if all of the guests lived within a 10 mile radius of the couple and they routinely interact with one another. In such a case, all of the guests would have an excellent idea what the couple may want or need. They would have first-hand experience of the couple’s abode and taste.

At a wedding with 150 people, however, how can there be such an expectation? “I want to invite Jim because Jim invited me to his wedding 5 years ago, but I have only seen Jim and his wife twice over those 5 years.” Or, “my dad is picking up the alcohol tab and inviting his three best friends would really make him happy.”

Jim and his wife, and that father’s three best friends are going to have a hard time personalizing a gift for this thoughtful couple.

Larger weddings, it seems to me, are quite hospitable to wedding registries because one can’t assume that all (or even most!) of the guests are intimately familiar with the couple.

There are so many choices of places to register or how to register that even the “have to” registering should be fun for couples. We had a great time with ours 8 years ago putting together our wish list from LL Bean (everything from dish towels to canoes). The types of gifts we get now still reflect those personal preferences (people close to us now know how much we love the casual beach cottage style, seaglass, fishing, etc).

I like both the convenience and wish list aspects of most store registries. The mailing address is there, preferences for color and patterns, usually a range of choices and prices, but most importantly, I can do do the whole thing (purchase, wrap, ship) quickly if I need to.

May I also add, how kind it is to tell people that a gift is not expected especially when a person is part of the wedding, or has to travel.

We wanted the guests to feel like it was an easy process to give a gift they knew we’d appreciate. We’ve gotten some fabulous gifts that weren’t on our registry that we love (heirloom pieces and a lemon tree)! However, I also have a big pile to sell on eBay because our small apartment has no extra room for fancy dust catchers (those statues with no faces freak me out!).

I think the registry system isn’t broken. It’s a tool which gift givers can use or choose not to use. It’s a suggestion for types of gifts we would treasure, not a mandate.

On the other hand, I recently went to a friend’s bridal shower, and I decided to forego the registry. I printed out a photo of some flowers she had received (from friends to commemorate her grandfather’s life), and I mounted and framed it all pretty-like. I also bought a canvas bag, since we had once had a conversation about how to live more eco-friendly. I’m a crunchy tree-hugger, and she expressed a desire to do more.

I was nervous about whether or not I should have just gone with the registry, but she turned out to love the present. I think a personal touch is the way to go when possible, but the registry is delightful when I care about someone, want to celebrate, but am not quite sure what to do.

It’s only impersonal if you send it direct. You can always bring it to the wedding. That’s what I and my friends all do for each other.

Again, wrapping and shipping are free in store. As far as choices are not prioritized, I don’t understand that. The registry is a help, a guide. You could have said you wish the list would be BETTER with priorities. But I, for one, prefer ANY list to no list at all, even if it is not prioritized.

When we mentioned our registry, we said “if you want to give a gift, and would like some suggestions, here are some possible choices” and listed our registries. The attitude expressed depends on the person and how the registry is presented. I don’t think you should automatically be annoyed at arrogance that may or may not be there.

Again, you don’t HAVE to use their registry. I don’t see why them putting a registry card in your invite gives you all these inhibitions. If you like homemade crafts, you think outside the box. So do that with their wedding. Ignore the registry. It’s not that hard.

And, lastly, you say brides and grooms are horrible at writing thank yous. So this means registries are horrible? I think this means people need to learn to be thankful. That has nothing to do with a registry.

It seems that trying to find something vaguely personal or personalizing a registry gift is the right way to go. Even if you don’t know the couple well, it’s not a stretch to assume if someone’s asking for wine glasses or baking equipment that they like to drink wine or bake food. Run with that knowledge.

And this seems mean, but I often decide how much I can spend on a gift based on how far I have to travel for the happy event and what other expenses are involved (i.e. specific dresses or hosting parties if you’re a bridesmaid, etc.) It feels terribe to say it, but you know what? You can’t buy love, or wrap it up in a box.

I don’t mind gift registries, in fact, I appreciate a heads up on what a couple needs, likes and can use. What I can’t stand, and what has been pointed out already, is the sense of obligation to give a gift, the downright obnoxious and ungracious behavior of some brides and grooms when they receive gifts they feel are sub-par and the belief that GUESTS should foot the bill for a “dream wedding”, as illustrated by the following quote:

“If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.””

As a wedding guest, if I get the sense that a bride and groom are looking for me to pay for the “privilege” of attending their wedding, and I can not graciously decline the invite, I will purposely lowball their gift, picking a cheap registry item or giving a nominal amount well below the “suggested minimum donation” for those seeking cash gifts.

If you can’t afford to host a big wedding, can’t be gracious enough to accept whatever gifts you receive, then elope and forgo the 200 reception. Then you won’t be bothered with the “hassle” of unwanted gifts from guests obnoxious enough to gift what they believe is an affordable and appropriate token to honor your marriage.

Also, my aunt and uncle believe that the size/value of the gift should match the wedding. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you give an extravagant gift to a couple who spends $100,000 on a wedding, and obviously can afford those extravagances themselves, and skimp on someone who obviously tightened their belt just to spend $10,000 on a wedding. They obviously need the help more (esp. when you are talking about giving cash).

As for family members, the new bride and groom must offer a cup of tea to the in-laws one by one. If they welcome him/her, they will accept the tea and drink it and adorn him/her with gold jewelry gifts.

I really don’t get this argument, either the couple likes me enough to spend $50-100 without expectation and therefore will be grateful for any gift. Or they only like me enough to exchange $50-100 of food and entertainment for $50-100 worth of shiny new household goods of their choosing.

It’s actually what all the etiquette books tell you, though I agree it’s not always practised. Inevitably people _will_ bring gifts to the wedding, and I’ve done it myself on occasion. It’s just that it’s against official etiquette and there are practical reasons for discouraging the practice.

Any Emily Post or Miss Manners book will tell you to ship or drop off your gift for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with which coast you live on. It’s easier on the bride and groom, although one person who posted above thinks that shouldn’t be her concern.

I haven’t always done this because I didn’t know I should until pouring through etiquette
guides for my own wedding and then seeing my poor parents try to figure out how to arrange for enough cars to bring the bigger items home since my husband and I had left on the honeymoon. I also got thank-you notes out the door more quickly for gifts sent ahead.

@others, I can’t believe anyone would send a registry flyer with a wedding invitation. That’s unbelievably tacky! If I go down the registry route, I will probably just register a few things I really want and then let my mother and mother-in-law-to-be know so that they have the information when asked.

We are having the wedding in Australia where we are both from, and where the majority of our family and friends live. But we are currently living in the UK, so it might be handy to have a registry here. Any gifts in Australia will have to be shipped or stored for our return.

I don’t feel any sense of entitlement when it comes to gifts but I know people are going to give them.

I do think things have changed. When my friend got married about four years ago she was opposed to the idea of a wedding registry on principle – but she and her fiance got so much pressure from guests that they caved in and got one. I think if people are paying a reasonable sum of money on a gift they want to know that it will be appreciated and that they are not doubling up. It doesn’t mean people can’t buy off the registry or from other shops (though there’s a risk) and it certainly doesn’t mean that personal gifts such as pottery would not be appreciated.

I agree that most brides and grooms are bad at writing thank you letters and this is bad form. The answer is NOT to bring the gift to the wedding! It simply creates an added logistical burden on the wedding day and since the couple is likely to leave for the honeymoon immediately afterwards, it increases the likelihood that they won’t write a thank you note. The traditional thing to do is to send (or deliver) the gift before the wedding as this is when the bride and groom are focused on administration. There’s a reason for tradition – it makes it easier for everyone.

I actually paid more to be in someone else’s wedding. The free drinks were nice but certainly didn’t offset my expenses- not that it should since it was my choice to be there. And yes I gave a gift off their registry. The item seems lame but was obviously something my buddy’s wife wanted. I don’t know what I was supposed to do with the gift, but I actually had it shipped to their house from the retailer. I received it there and left it.

I am 39 years old and live in Oregon. I’ve been to many weddings in my life. All of them have had a gift table. I’ve never heard the “it’s bad etiquette to bring gifts” thing until this thread, which leads me to believe maybe it’s an East Coast thing…

Look, I didn’t have this attitude until I had to plan my own wedding. Now I fully realize the cost. If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.”

Sure it’s crass, but current wedding etiquette dictates that we abide by this “even exchange” rule, yet remain polite enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.

if your opinion of the couple is that they’re greedy, then your attendance at the wedding is pretty two-faced.