Ask the Readers: “I’m Doing Well Financially But My Family Is Not”
Published on - May 16th, 2008 (by J.D. Roth) Personal finance would be easy if it were only about the numbers. But it’s not. Money management not only requires that we master our own whims and emotions, but that we navigate the sometimes rocky waters of our personal relationships. Rachel wrote looking for help with a stormy situation. What happens when you gain control of your finances but the people around you continue to struggle? Here’s her story:
I’m having issues because I’m doing well financially and my family is not. Here is some background information: I am twenty years old and about to move out and live on my own for the first time. I live in California, but am moving to Maryland in three weeks. I am working three jobs to save money for the move, the third (and most lucrative) of which I acquired completely to put directly into my ING Direct savings account. (See? I do pay attention!) I also:
- Have about $1500 saved, and by the end of the next three weeks it will be about $3000.
- Filed my taxes on time.
- Pay my credit card off every month.
- Am planning to open a Roth IRA as soon as I have a little more for an emergency fund.
My mom, however, is drowning. My parents divorced a few years ago and were doing well financially when we sold our house. But somewhere along the way my dad developed a gambling habit and squandered all of his share of the money, and put himself into debt with the IRS. They started taking everything but what he needed for rent and basic necessities. They even took the money for child support because at that point the divorce was not finalized and they saw his child support as voluntary.
That’s when my mom’s debt started accumulating, and it’s just been piling up ever since. She already owes me about $2000 from the past year or so, and every month she asks me to borrow some money for rent, but usually she gets a check from my dad right in the nick of time. I can’t afford to lend her the money because it would put me behind in my goals, but at the same time she needs to support herself and my fourteen year old sister, and what am I supposed to do, let them just end up on the street?
She has exhausted every available resource she could possibly borrow money from, and is looking into declaring bankruptcy because her business is not generating enough income to make up for the small amount of child support she receives, and all of her debt. My dad gets paid slowly because he’s working contractually for different companies as a software consultant, and as he’s not on the regular payroll it can take weeks for the checks to come.
I don’t know how to continue to grow as a financially stable person while knowing this is going on. I don’t know how to keep myself from giving in to her need to borrow money — or should I? Which is more important, making sure my family has a home now or looking out for my retirement in 50 years? I’m just not experienced enough in the world to know how to handle this.
Some readers will say, “Give up and move on.” Others will say, “Family comes first.” But to me (and, apparently, to Rachel), it’s not that easy. There’s a balance to be found. But how? Where is that balance? It’s a difficult question. As a reference point, I consulted my library of 141 personal finance books. Do you know how many discussed this issue? One.
On page 81 of Dave Ramsey’s The Money Answer Book, he explores the question, “My parents are financially irresponsible. How can I help them? How can I forgive them for teaching me their bad habits?” His answer?
Most parents do not want their children’s advice. It’s just a fact of life. They do not want correction from their own children, especially if it’s unsolicited. The best thing you can do to help your parents is give them your personal testimony, give them a resource like this book to start them thinking, and just keep the option open so that they can come to you if they want to.
What do you think? Have you faced a similar situation before? How did you handle it? What would do if your parents did have chronic money problems? Should Rachel move out and move on? Or is her obligation to her family?
Mini-rant: Did you see that stat? One out of 141 personal finance books in my office address this subject. That’s the problem with mainstream personal finance education. It focuses on raw numbers to the exclusion of all else. And most of our financial problems come from that “all else”.
This article is about Ask the Readers, Debt, Psychology, Real-Life, Relationships
while we’re not doing “well” financially at this very second, we would be a whole lot worse off if we weren’t pretty picky about where our money goes. meanwhile, my sister and her family struggle to make ends meet for the new cars and new house and new everything. my mother needs some serious sense talked into her because “manicures ARE a necessity!” though she struggles to pay for things that she really does need.
what i’m seeing are stupid choices made by family members. i don’t want my niece out on the street with my sis and BIL, but i’m not about to put myself out of a meal two nights a week to support their stupid financial decisions. same with my mother. i do tell them how i make ends meet on such a low salary, hoping that some ideas get across to them. that’s all i can do.
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From where I came from, retirement is unheard of as people do not have enough to get by day-to-day much more to worry about retirement. Taking care of parents financially is a duty and moral responsibility.
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First off, people, she doesn’t mention anything about giving money to her dad, so we can only assume she is not giving money to her dad.
Second, no where does she say her mother rents. What if her mother owns a home? In the current market it could be pretty hard for her to sell. Its a bad idea for her to move into another home if she still has to make a mortgage payment.
Now I agree that she needs to get a job besides her business if her business is not generating income, and I’m sure she’s working on it, but the job market isn’t exactly great right now, if no one has noticed. And if she’s been basically a stay at home mom for the last 20 years, theres not exactly a big rush to hire her. People who haven’t worked for 20 years tend to be viewed as unskilled and behind the times. And last I checked, a job at McDonalds usually doesn’t cut it for a mortgage payment.
Does anyone stop to think of these things or are we just a culture of cutting weight before we even figure out if its dead or not? By the reasoning of some of the people who have responded here, I should stop providing for my six month old son, and if he starves to death on the street its his own fault for not getting a job that pays a liveable wage. Come on.
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@Jessica – She did say that her mother rents.
“She already owes me about $2000 from the past year or so, and every month she asks me to borrow some money for rent, but usually she gets a check from my dad right in the nick of time.”
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If you are out of school and living at home, you should contribute in some way. Paying some bills, buying groceries, toiletries, helping with the rent, etc. But Mom also needs to find other income or ways to lower expenses and cost of living. Having to borrow month to month to make ends meet should be a very big sign that something needs to change.
Dad can’t be counted on, obviously (even if he does come through at the last minute), so it will be up to Mom to be able to support herself and her other daughter. No, it’s not fair, but it’s necessary.
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Why do you own 141 books? For someone who scrimps on laundry detergent and cable, it seems insanse to have purcahsed that many PF books. Most of the information is the EXACT same! I follow four PF blogs pretty consistently and most of their advice is along the same lines of yours. Now imagine following 141 blogs, but spending $9-$10 every time. Seems like 1500 dollars could be better spent….
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Chris wrote: Why do you own 141 books? For someone who scrimps on laundry detergent and cable, it seems insane to have purchased that many PF books!
Ah, careful there. I don’t scrimp on laundry detergent.
Actually, I’ve writte before about how to build a cheap personal finance library. Many of my books were purchased at used book stores, garage sales, or thrift stores.
Many other books have been sent to me free from authors and publishers because they’d like for me to write about them.
All the same, I have spent money on new books. Fortunately, Get Rich Slowly is a business, and there’s no question that these books are a business expense. That means that thery’re not quite as expensive as they’d be otherwise. (I can write them off on taxes.)
Am I rationalizing? Perhaps. But I feel not a whit of guilt for owning 141 personal finance books. In fact, I’m glad I have them, and intend to acquire more in the future.
(Now the rest of my books? Those are a problem. But I’ve been purging them over the past two years, and my book spending has plummeted.)
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(Side note to chris above… I’d guess he doesn’t buy all his books new full price and sometimes he gets them as gifts. He just never throws any away either. I have bought numerous books used online at Amazon for 0.01¢ plus shipping and also bought books for a 0.25¢ at library sales.)
But I really came here to tell Rachel to go ahead and move out on her own. Your mom will be just fine. As long as someone is bailing her out she will not need to step up to the responsibility herself. Some distance between you and the situation with help you see better how to help. After you find out your costs for staying afloat then figure out if you want to send something every month and how much that will be. You might be underestimating how much you’ll need to live in a more expensive part of the country. Loving your family does not mean you have to give them your hard earned money for them to handle unwisely.
>looking into declaring bankruptcy because
> her business is not generating enough
> income
There’s plenty blame to go around but if she is pouring money into a badly run business there is no reason for you to get caught in that trap as well.
Handle *your* business and be a good example to your sister.
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I can certainly see where Rachel is coming from. I have sort of the same situation. My mom is struggling financially and has no savings. She is barely making ends meet. I’ve tried to help her budget and manage her money but she always goes back to her old ways. The only good thing I can say is that she does not like to borrow money from me. She still borrows but she is pretty good about paying it back.
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it’s mention that the child-support comes before she has to lend the money to her mother. Rachel should take this money and start a second fund for “family”. with a small amount each check going into this fund, she will find the when it is needed after little use, the expence will not affect her own nestegg. after a few years she can use this money to pay for other “family” items as well, i.e. gift, trips, airfare(she is moving across country), and family dinners.
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I have a similar situation, except that my mom put herself in that spot, rather than something unfortunate happening to her as in Rachel’s case. I just got out of college last year, and at my first real career job, I make about 10k more than my mom (single), and she totally resents me for it. She always comments to me how it’s not fair (she does not have a college degree, though), and then she expects that I’ll split my “extra” money with her, just because I make more. Also I live with my boyfriend, so we split the living expenses, vs my mom who lives alone and also thinks this is unfair (and somehow my fault). It’s a very difficult situation – why should I give her money just because I make more than her? I wouldn’t expect her to do that for me if the situation were reversed. She has put herself in a tough spot over the years – she spends far too much (she has told me that she ends up with about a $500 deficit every month – how can you come out of that without tightening the belt), and isn’t able (or willing, maybe) to curb her spending habit. She also takes out ridiculous loans (one of them she took out for $5k @ 99% APR, 10 yr loan – yes you read that right) over and over again. I realize this situation is very different from Rachel’s. I don’t feel like I should pay for my mom’s overspending (the only reason I have a surplus instead of a deficit is because I stick to a budget – regardless of what I earn) or past (and current) financial mistakes. I feel that if I give her the money to pay her loan payment this month, she’ll just start relying on me to cover that monthly deficit. I have told her about my budget several times and she seems very interested. She always wants to get a hold of her finances – but not enough to actually do something about it.
For Rachel’s situation, it is hard to say. Her mom is still providing for a child. But I also feel that her mom could take more steps, like Rachel has by taking 3 jobs. Something that I have taken up to supplement my income in just a few hours a week is mystery shopping. I net about $200/mo this way, and for almost no effort, so that could be something her mom could try if she is strapped for time. As long as Rachel’s mom does not come to view her as a financial crutch, I think it would be fine for Rachel to help her out a little bit financially (but still put away some of her own savings).
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@ Jessica You’re funny. You’re more than willing to chuck the father under a bus because he’s got a gambling problem, but automatically assume the mother is just peachy and only needs to have money thrown her way to get over this bump in the road without considering she’s got a serious money problem.
Let’s review:
Mother has already borrowed about $2000 from the daughter over the last year
Mother has exhausted every available resource she could possibly borrow money from (other relations are done enabling?)
Mother is looking into declaring bankruptcy Mother’s business is not generating enough income to support them
This implies that the Mother has a real problem with her ability to make and handle money well beyond the scope of this young woman. Further, it’s unlikely the woman would have sent the message unless she felt this is a problem that isn’t short term.
Sadly there are just too many unknowns to provide solid advice. The mother may be working a full time job *and* the business is on the side, the daughter may or may not be paying rent, etc. Hell look at your last post, it is nothing but a fantasy about the Mother’s finacial life and what might be. Hence the advice is all over the place, but frankly, the bulk of it is really good regardless of what her actual situation really is.
From the vast bulk of the comments, everyone agrees this young woman needs to help her mother, the problem is how. It is important to help family, and as often as not that doesn’t mean with money.
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My parents made a poor business decision that got worse after September 11th. They had always been there for me financially prior to this…lending me money for collections and what not and bought me my first car. They never paid a bill late so it was extremely painful when the business failed.
I lent them money and financed a motorhome for them. The only thing I would not do is take out a loan using my car. I told them they would have to sell something for the downpayment on the motorhome…I would not put my transportation on the line. I might add I was also supporting my EX-fiance.
I love my parents and I know they learned a lot from this experience. It was not always easy and we did have arguements particularly when they tried to tell my brother and I that they were alright financially and we KNEW they were not. However I WOULD help them out all over again if I had to and the feeling is mutual. I was very grateful I was not in debt at the time either!!!
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I am SO glad that this issue was posted. I am dealing with a very similar situation with my in-laws right now. They are finalizing their divorce right now and my mother in law has NO budgeting skills. Her power was actually turned off. And all we hear are excuses & excuses. She just won’t change her ways. I agree on the tough-love advice, but I can’t see any way of doing it without ruining the family relationship.
The saddest part is that I can envision her in the same financial position in 5 years. I don’t want us to have to support her forever.
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I wish I could give you some good advice, but unfortunately I’m in the same situation and still trying to figure things out myself.
I’m 24 and I’ve been on my own in another state from my family for six years. My family is perpetually broke while I’m responsibly paying down my debt and saving vigorously. I try to give them advice I got from this website and from personal finance books I’ve read, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Frankly, I’m getting tired of trying. I’m starting to think that I’ll be supporting them somehow in the next decade or so.
I’ll help them out in extreme cases, but I get sick of hearing people complain about problems they have the power to fix. The way I see it, if they were really sick of being broke, they’d be doing what I’m doing: educating themselves as much as possible about money and working a second job (if necessary). Your situation seems a little more dire than mine, so good luck with whatever you end up doing.
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“Let’s review:
Mother has already borrowed about $2000 from the daughter over the last year”
“, and every month she asks me to borrow some money for rent,”
@getagrip: Don’t you think $2000 is less than the amount of money Rachel should’ve paid her mother for room/board for the past 2 years? As some posters mentioned – nobody in Rachel’s letter does she say anything about her already contributing her fair share. Nor does she say anything about buying food.
Rachel lives there. Oh, she is so responsible she saved some money. It’s really easy to save if you have no living expenses; you just take everything to the bank.
Maybe asking to borrow money for rent was Rachel’s mother’s way of asking Rachel to pay for her fair share of room/board/gas/electricity? Sometimes parents are reluctant to ask their adult kids to contribute, they feel they should provide for them. Who is cleaning the place? Who is preparing meals? Food is expensive now – who is buying the food for everyone? Does Rachel buy her own food or does she just eats there? If the mother is cleaning and cooking, surely mother’s effort worth something?
Sure, if Rachel is already paying for her fair share of room and board, helps around the house, it’s a different story. I would still say she should help her mother as much as she can and not treat it as a loan, but at least it’d be subject for discussion. But we don’t have enough information, and if Rachel indeed contributes, why doesn’t she mention it in her letter?
I am amazed that so few people mention that Rachel should have been paying room/board for the past 2 years (since she turned 18), and how many totally ignore the issue.
There are two sides to every story. Until we hear the mother’s side, we don’t really know the facts.
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My parents are in similar financial straits, but many of the reasons they’re in debt is because of habits. They’ve had thousands of dollars go through their hands over the past three years, but their habits will continually make them poor.
Trying to educate your parents on financial literacy is probably futile, but keep trying to give small hints of other possibilities. However, due to not become entangled in their financial woes to your detriment.
I’ve pretty much given up hope of my parents ever learning to be free of debt. After many years of going through the same motions, I think that their situation is eternal.
The only thing I feel that can be done for them, since their in the mid 50′s is to purchase a home with an attached mother-in-law’s quarters. This will more than likely be necessary as they get older and are no longer able to support themselves financially or physically.
Good luck, I realize that some times it may seem unbearable to have this responsibility at such a young age, but you have a unique opportunity to make sure that your future generations due not have to suffer due to mishandling money
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The book “Richest Man in Babylon” deals with all of these problems and more. In fact, there are very detailed chapters on whether to give money to family or not, and how to get out of exactly the same situation her mother is right now.
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I have paid for both a (reputable and certified) credit counselor and a job counselor for close friends in constant crisis. One was a turning point, and the other was not… but I think this had more to do with the parties involved than the fulcrum potential of either action.
My two cents— I can’t teach anyone to fish, but I can point ‘em to a great fly tier!
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In my opinion, there are two possible ways of looking at this scenario: 1) helping her mom is an investment in the future. Personal and family relationships are non-monetary investments: you get out what you put in. I’m assuming that since she’s worried about it, she loves her mother and wants to “do the right thing”, even if it’s painful (in this case, to the checkbook). A million bucks in an ING or Roth IRA account won’t ease the pain of knowing your parent lives in poverty. It could cause a significant rift in the relationship. She’s 20 now; she’ll be 40 someday. As a 37-year old who is more or less estranged from his parents (it’s a long story), I can attest to the pain of wanting to be close to an aging parent, and being unable to get past certain past hurts. It truly sucks. 2) helping her mom now could also be a monetary investment in the future. Although bankruptcy could be an option for wiping out debt, there’s the issue of credit repair, rebuilding finances, etc. Helping her mom now could prevent her having to help her mom in 20 years, when debt and overall lack of resources prevents an easy retirement. As a 37-year old whose mother-in-law has moved in with him permanently for very similar reasons, I feel justified in saying: “I know what I’m talking about here.” Don’t get me wrong, I love her (as Rachel obviously loves her mom), but it can be very stressful when you’re trying to take care of your own complicated finances and you’re put in a position of helping a parent with theirs because certain issues weren’t handled in decades past.
Best of luck, Rachel. Money is good, but love is better.
P.S. I didn’t read the 119 comments before me, apologies if this was originally posted more eloquently by others.
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Some really good advice in Comments above! Another tack: R’s parents chose “off the grid” jobs (contractor, self-employed) which their skill-sets don’t support i.e., they’re not compensated with a profitable wage for their work. Hence, this is the wrong employment for them and their need to support their dependent children. While they’re known this fact for years, now they are making it R’s problem, just as she’s able to break free. -Coincidence?
R, do you want to be a 20-year old parent of a middle-aged couple and a 14-year old? Do not be an enabler! Get free, and get yourself in a position to help your sister.
Time for a reality check on the parent’s part. Dad’s abandonment of his dependent children is criminal and actionable. Mom’s single “hobby” job is putting a 14 year old child in jeopardy. How can the child study, have regular healthcare, develop normally and feel safe in a home with this much drama? Why isn’t Mom more concerned about that? Getting Mom into a 12-step meeting will give her tools for change that your forced handouts never will.
While there are all sorts of agencies for Mom to get food, legal aid and classes to retrain for a real job, there are also ones that will take the child and put her in foster care.
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theres no right or wrong answer. you gotta sit down and evaluate your happiness both present and long term.
is the cost of giving up your goals worth helping your family. This depends on personality and many other factors as well. Overall which choice will make you happier in the long run.
You will always face unexpected events that force you to change your financial plan. You have to sit down and evaluate your happiness.
What if your sister was kidnapped and demanded ransom of all your money?
What would you do? are you going to try to balance?
I dont think so
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Why is everyone assuming that Mom has a ‘hobby business’? We don’t know what her business is.
But I do know that small businesses everywhere are struggling to stay alive.
Small enterprises rarely make a lot of profit …. if they are profitable they often make little more than insurance,auto and travel money for the proprietor.
Frequently, they are meant to augment the family income, not be the family income.
And in this economic climate even successful businesses are off at least 20% and that is the gross (not net) profit for many small shops.
I have had a small business for 22 years and know whereof I speak.
Please readers, stop judging this woman since you neither know her circumstances or anything about the finances of small enterprises.
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Sadly, this is not uncommon. Whenever I read articles about the baby boomers about to retire, I think about how many CAN’T.
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And the winner is…. KITTY in post # 116!
That is exactly the first thing that came to my mind when reading this post: “Why isn’t she paying rent?”
I lived at my parents house until I was 21, and paid at least $100 a month in rent, did my own laundry, helped buy groceries, etc. I even helped my folks buy a new washer before moving out – they gave me the option of being able to come home weekly to do my laundry there, but I never did. And I never expected to be repaid.
My own adult son also paid rent when he turned 18. And I think it made him more responsible with his finances. He just bought a house at age 23. I could never have done that at age 23.
I also firmly believe that when a family member is in a crisis and we are able to help, that we should do so.
This mother is treading water after devastating life changes. Any help the writer is able to offer SHOULD be offered at this time to get her on her feet.
Also, remeber that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they change their financial way of thinking. This mother is at that point and struggling. It is not easy to learn new habits. Just be there for her.
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I wouldn’t continually lend money to her if she can’t seem to get her finances in order. It doesn’t make sense to sink your ship along side hers.
It’s tough of course. Get her counseling, show her how to budget.
Reminds me of the story about either giving a man a fish, or teaching him how to on his own.
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mom needs to get a J-O-B.
i was recently divorced, cell phone, cable, security, long distance, unecessary things cut off. my grocery budget is bare bones; i am living without air conditioning in houston texas. as a recently divorced woman, i don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for mom here.
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Everyone agrees that any money given, won’t come back. So that said, how much is your mom working to turn things around/cut budget/increase cash flow? Maybe it’s better for her to turn over her assets to you and declare bankruptcy versus dragging you down along with her. I don’t think a 3k savings account will weather your own unexpected dilemmas let alone you your mom. If you’re both supporting her then you need to work out a plan by the numbers of how she’s going to get back on her feet. I think it sucks but since its your mom and your sister you might have to bite the bullet for awhile and support them both. However you need a plan of how to get everyone out from underwater. As i rambled earlier i would have all assets transferred over to me, then have mom file for bankruptcy. This will alleviate her debt while keeping the resources in your pocket to return to her after the creditors are done taking everything else. Later you can help co-sign with mom whenever she needs things involving credit and/or return her assets back to her. But it should really be done by the numbers. We have to support our families, especially our siblings, because your 14 yr old sister can’t go out and get a job.
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Nodebtplan, ladykemma2, miles, etc. – so do you think it is perfectly fine for a 20 year old to live there for free and to consider any money she contributes to rent a loan? SHE LIVES THERE!!!! She is the part of the household, so don’t you think expenses are her responsibility as well? Divide $2000 by 24 months – this is the time Rachel lived in the place since she turned 18. Do you think this is really 1/3 of rent? After she moves out, maybe she should consider how much money she actually owes her mother?
@ladykemma2 – so you’d be OK supporting two daughters, one of whom is over 18, works, but instead of helping you pay rent takes her money to the bank or “lends” you the money for rent? Would you be happy with this type of arrangement?
@nodebtplan: A daughter should show her mother how to budget? Does the daughter have any experience of paying for home, food, utililties? Budget what? clothing, make-up and entertainment?
If the daughter indeed contributes to rent, I apologize. Otherwise, we should really stop judging the mother and start judging the spoiled brat instead.
@New Leaf – Thanks. I have to admit that I was a rather spoiled brat myself and wasn’t contributing my fair share when I lived with my parents as an undergrad. I guess it takes one to know one. At the same time I had someone living with me for a period of time who was saving money instead of giving me anything for expenses. I wasn’t struggling, but I still felt used. So I understand the mother.
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It’s nice to see all the help/comments. I’d like to suggest that if your mother’s business isn’t covering the bills, then a change needs to be made. She needs to figure out something so she is not reliant on support payments, but can use them when she gets them. Personally, if I was in your position, I would make arrangements to help, by sharing rent, (yes, moving in together if you have moved out) but make it clear that you want to move on someday, and that your mother has to have a plan.
Turn the question on it’s head. If you were having problems, with no place to go, would your mother help _you_ out? Give you a place to live?
Help before things go too far, but if your going to help, look at everything, (land taxes, car payments, etc..) far down the road to be sure that no surprises are going to show up, and that you are actually able to give the help that’s needed and will be needed.
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I haven’t read all the comments, but here are my two cents: there’s nothing you can really do, so try not to agonize about it.
I would want desperately to help my family if I was in your situation – and if you were older, earned more income, or had more assets you might be able to do so. As it stands, though, you have little to give. You literally can’t afford to debate whether or not to enable your mother to continue her (apparently poor) financial habits.
Your mom is going to have to make big changes – get a new job (or two), move, slash expenses, apply for government assistance, or some combination. If you try to help her by giving her a few hundred dollars here and there, all that will accomplish is postponing the time when she hits rock bottom; and you’ll be right there at rock bottom with her.
As a concrete way to deal with the situation, I’d advocate pretending you don’t have anything to give (which you really don’t anyway). When your mom asks for money simply say “mom I don’t have any money to give you, but is there anything else I can do to help?”
Good luck; this is a VERY tough situation.
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I think Mary, in post #14 gave the best answer!!!
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mysticaltyger, Meg, so do you think it is perfectly fine for a 20 year old to live WITH her mother and not pay rent, not contribute but take money to the bank instead and treat whatever money she gives to her mother towards rent for a place where Rachel lives too as a loan instead of her fair share?
You advice seems to be – don’t help, you have no money to give until you can move out. Or did you somehow missed the fact that Rachel lives there most likely for free?
Have you thought that the mother could’ve chosen a smaller apartment if Rachel hadn’t lived there? Do you think mother’s utility bills would’ve been smaller if Rachel hadn’t been there? What about food? Why is it Rachel’s right to live there rent-free as part of the household and contribute nothing?
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“…Finally, JD over at Get Rich Slowly talks about something we rarely discuss in the personal finance world – how to deal with relationships when you’re doing well financially but your family is not. As a side note, JD vents about the lack of information out there available for people dealing with relationships and money…”
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I am going thru a similar situation with my parents. I am married and 28 years old with a stable job a multiple positive cash flow rental properties. I live a very frugle life that causes most on the outside to believe that I am actually quite poor (just bought a $400 car).
My father is 75 years old and has given my mother (20 years younger than him) an upper class lifestyle for 30 years of marriage. His business is highly volatile and risky. He has made and lost millions many times. He is also heading into his 76th year with zero retirement funds and considering selling their home (the last asset) TO INVEST IN THE SAME CRAP THAT CAUSES HIM TO LOSE IT ALL AGAIN AND AGAIN.
My mother is considering divorce for the mere mention of selling the home.
She won’t downsize and change here lifestyle while he won’t simply move his assets into more stable or reasonable ones.
I am meeting with my father next week to discuss finances over beer and the backyard BBQ.
I strongly believe this could all be dealt with easily with a reverse mortgage and if my mother would ease up on her spending habits ($10/bottle organic window cleaner for example)and my father quite his highly risky investing.
I have a strong feeling that neither will happen.
Oh yah, and my mother in law was just checked into a mental hospital over a suicide attempt.
Arghggggghghgh @!#$!@#$%^#$*