Jim

Especially to the guys here, several of whom mention their relationships with their fathers becoming “strained” as they became young men: It makes sense, don’t you think? Of course the relationship is “strained” – first you strain at the ties that bind, then you separate, to become yourself, as an adult, and not a child-extension of the parent – the father, particularly. And then, if you’re lucky, you get to return to your parent on common ground: two adult males of the same family, building additional bonds. My sincerest sympathy to the guys and their fathers – my brothers included – who never had the opportunity for that final adult-adult bond.

Don’t feel too bad about “not getting it” when he tried to teach you. My dad was the poster child for frugality/cheapness, and I didn’t get it until I made a bunch of mistakes of my own and realize he was pretty smart.

Some of the comments are reading a lot of negative qualities into the letter. I wonder if that’s because the comments are made by people who are not parents. Parents are not more perfect human beings simply because they had children. They do the best they can with what they know.

I thought he showed a lot of self-awareness by warning you about the problems he would have when you asserted your independence, and sharing that he can’t just give up worrying about you. I hope I can say something as loving to my children when it’s that time.

Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he’d call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love’s austere and lonely offices?

Robert Hayden

My father has never expressed himself in writing, or verbally, and I worry how deeply that will affect me when he eventually passes. Consider yourself lucky to have this memento.

My favorite part:

” You can do most anything you want and you will have our approval as long as we know you are OK.”

I think that’s a real gift. My parents were like that too – they didn’t pressure me for high achievement and made it clear my life was *my* life – and that whatever choices I made were OK by them. I didn’t think much of that when I didn’t know better – then I grew up more and got to know many people from many varied backgrounds…and grew to appreciate that immeasurably.

Your father was flawed obviously (as we all are). But it is clear he was commited to being *your* dad. Not everyone is so lucky.

PS: I wish I had taken my dad’s verbal advice on finances when I hit college and beyone; how come we are so dumb at that age? d’oh! I’d be a millionaire now if I had.

HA! Turns out their parents weren’t so wealthy… they were using their house as an atm and credit cards to finance their lifestyle!

Seriously though, I think in a way its good that you ignored his advice at 19. Financial advice is usually so abstract that we can’t possibly know the good until we suffer through the bad. Had you not made that 35K debt ‘mistake’, you absolutely wouldn’t be where you are now. Think of it as tuition.

Thanks for sharing that great letter.

By the way, did your father have reason to suspect your underwear may not be clean?

Pity still that so many things in life we have to learn ourselves rather than through experiences passed on by others.

I’ve become a regular reader of your blog over the past few months and read your updates with interest as i have a healthy interest in personal finance, but i’ve never felt the need to post a reply before, until today. I lost my father suddenly almost 2 years ago and still miss him and regret the fact that he isn’t around to see my kids growing up. My father was the strong, quiet type, worked hard all his life and while we didn’t have much growing up , we never felt we were missing out. He never expressed his feelings much but we knew he loved us and was fiercely proud of us. I would love to have a letter from him, like yours, but he wasn’t that type of person. Each of my kids will get letters from me as they grow up. Thanks for sharing this with us, and please keep up the excellent work..

(And i agree with Sara… No pity ironing from me!)

Good little mix of personal and finance help tossed all together.

Great post, and I’ve got to give my dad a call. Thanks JD.

Thanks again for sharing.

I’m sure your father was a good person, but like many parents, was self-involved and his kid bore the brunt. Some of this letter seems to be a wish to impart wisdom and own up to mistakes, but some of it also is self-serving. It’s as if he realizes the distance is there and now he’d like to bring you closer through assertions not clearly borne out by actions (his love for you), requests (to invite your parents to where you live) and even bribes (groceries in hand).

There’s a whiff of both arrogance (‘I know better than you’) and despair (‘I screwed up and our relationship is deteriorating but I want to tug you back before I’m old and lonely’) in the letter. I appreciate that you put something so personal out there for others to see.

Something is lost in the emails my parents write to me.

Re: #6–sadly, he’s right about this. But then, they eventually grow up to be Women and the guys are usually left quite befuddled.

Re:#8a–I have to go find some kleenex because this made me cry.

Thanks for sharing this note.

my pops passed at a young age as well (51 – after my 18th birthday).. i looked up to him because he was the provider.. i wish i had his money skills.. he was a CPA.. and loved horse racing.. he could make a couple grand from a few dollars