Ask the Readers: How to Cope with Socially Obligated Spending?
Published on - June 27th, 2008 (by J.D. Roth) Allen recently attended a family wedding that put a hole in his budget. He wonders how to cope with societal pressure to spend:
How do you deal with social situations where you have to spend? I just had to spend $300 to go to a cousin’s wedding. I couldn’t not go — it’s family. But I couldn’t get in wearing what I own, because it wasn’t “good enough” and I couldn’t just go rent something because:
- It wasn’t that much cheaper, really.
- I only found out the day of the wedding that my clothes were not “good enough” to even get in to where the wedding was held.
These sorts of situations are awkward. What’s the best way to handle them?
This question goes beyond the common problem where you feel pressured to have a drink after work, which we’ve covered before. Allen’s question is more about deeply-ingrained societal obligations to spend, like weddings, graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries.
His specific example involves big numbers, but these sorts of things occur more frequently on a smaller scale: the endless cycle of children’s birthday parties, passing the envelope at the office, school fundraisers, your sister-in-law’s candle party. Last month, Betsy Teutsch shared a guest post about wedding registries that touched on similar emotions.
What can you do when placed in these situations, especially if money is tight? Can you simply say, “I can’t afford it. I can’t come.”? Can you budget for social obligations? Or is it best to believe that things will “come out in the wash” eventually — that one day it’ll be you hosting a child’s birthday party, hosting a tupperware party, or asking guests to wear fancy clothes to a wedding?
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Two friends of mine got married recently. A grandmother helped them out– she offered to subsidize guests. I couldn’t go for time reasons, but they would have contributed some money toward the significant travel costs.
My family is not your family, my place in my family is not your place in yours. At this 24-year-old student point, it is perfectly fine to say, “I’m sorry, I wish I could be there, but money’s tight right now,” as long as you do it early enough. Afterward, if someone helps pay, maybe mention to people that you thought the venue was a little demanding… or show up in your best clothes, be turned away, and make it the family’s problem that the venue doesn’t think you’re good enough. It’s possible that the couple wasn’t aware that they required a higher standard than their relatives had in their closets… and if they knew you’d have to spend a lot of money you don’t have, and did it anyway, why go to the wedding?
Again, this is 24-yr-old-student advice. The only wedding I’ve paid for was last year, and I was the only relative of my generation that paid her own plane fare. If the venue folks had said, “Oh, I’m sorry, you are dressed too informally,” as I walked in, they would have had to deal with a lot of pissed-off relatives.
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I’m definitely on the side of declining because it’s too expensive. Send a card that explains it if you feel guilty, but asking someone to spend $300 just for your big day is rediculous.
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I have to agree with chad on this topic $300 is just to much, I would have sent a $100 gift card and saved myself the difference. If it had been mentioned earlier or in the invite what the dress requirements was then that might be a little different.
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I would just avoid having a family or friends. It’s much less expensive that way.
Otherwise, use the local thrift store to outfit yourself for the occasion. You can donate the clothes afterward.
I always thought it was stupid to buy an expensive dress to wear once then put in a box in the attic.
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I cannot for the life of me imagine requiring someone to spend $300 to be part of my wedding, let alone attend my wedding. I think that if I was close enough to someone to be required to go to the wedding, I would be close enough to upbraid them for selfish choices with no consideration for others. A simple note declining should be sufficient, and this bridezilla nonsense needs to addressed.
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Unless it was an immediate family member (like my sister), I would have just said — hey, sorry, but it’s too much. I just can’t go. That’s when you send them cash with your RSVP “no” (obviously, only what you could afford). And if it was someone as close to me as my sister or mother or father, then I’d expect them to help me attend the wedding if I was financially unable to.
I’m planning a wedding soon and unfortunately I know a lot of guests will be unable to attend, as it’s just far enough they won’t want to spend that much in gasoline. (Of course this is also a good thing because we could not afford them all anyway)
Wear your Sunday best to that venue and see what happens, just don’t be an ass about it. Or find a consignment store or something a little nicer than a thrift store, you could probably dress very nicely that way without spending the big bucks.
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When I had my wedding I wasn’t expecting a lot of my family to show up because of the fact that most of them would have to fly. I have a HUGE family and there are lots of times when people just can’t make it or afford to fly these days. I bet a simple “I just don’t have the funds right now” with maybe a white lie of “I don’t have that much vacation time built up yet at my job.” should be enough to cover most family members.
But there will always be that ONE person who makes a stink about it. My mom and I have barely spoken to her sister for the last 4 years because my aunt was SO angry that I couldn’t find a way to scrounge up airfare from FL to MN, rent a car to get to the little town 3 hours away, pay for gas, get a hotel room in the bigger little town an hour away, cancel my vacation back to see my immediate family later in the year that I had been pinching pennies to do in the first place, and get time off from my 3 month old job to come to her last minute wedding.
Honestly I think you can look at the amount of money that the couple makes to get your guess on how they will react. If they make a ton of money, have a over the top venue, and expect you to pay a ton just to get there and dress for it – then unfortunately, they are probably going to be the ones the most disappointed that you didn’t come.
The laid back, easy, inexpensive wedding couple probably know more about their finances and are probably frugal like you and are willing to be more forgiving!
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Stop caring what other people think. It’s that simple. It frees up your life (and money) in spectacular ways.
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Perhaps the greatest money saving feat I ever accomplished was to convince my good friend NOT to have his wedding in Europe and force everyone in the wedding party (me included) to come along. That would have been the ultimate in socially obligated spending, and just plain inconsiderate really.
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To me it’s about why you are saving. If you have a minimum-wage job and you are trying to kill an albatross of a debt that has ruined your life for the last five years — by all means decline. If you have a decent job and savings, or are well on the path to same, and you basically just like saving money and dislike the expense, well, that’s just being selfish. There’s nothing about being frugal that says you have to be a hermit or abandon societal reciprocity — I’m thinking here of JDR’s reference to children’s birthdays, which should be seen as a kind of investment in community; weddings aren’t that different.
What I’m hearing from Allen is that he didn’t want to go to the wedding anyway or disliked being told that his suit wasn’t up to snuff, so it’s not strictly a monetary issue. Not affording it is different from being cheap or not wanting to interact with extended family or the like. Or at least I can’t disentangle those issues, the way it’s presented in Allen’s message. Don’t blame money for the obligations you owe people; if it really is money you’re worried about, then of course decine politely.
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We have this problem with weekend trips. The in-laws live 2.5 hours away, and we’re all very close, but it’s expensive for us to drive there every time they have a BBQ or get-together. Even if we host, we still have the added expenses of providing food, which as a host, I will absolutely do.
We try to pick and choose what we attend, but I still feel bad when we decline.
As for weddings, I honestly think they’ve gotten ridiculous, and this is from someone who just got married three months ago. Our wedding wasn’t frugal by any means (not in my opinion, anyway), but our top priority was the comfort of our guests. I’ve been to so many weddings where guests seem like an afterthought. The wedding and reception are miles and hours apart without much parking, there are no maps, the food is horrible, cash bar (and sometimes even for water!), ballroom attire required. We think it’s better to make it easy on your guests, after all, they are already spending money to come to your wedding, and I’m 100 percent against doing anything at a wedding that requires guests to have cash on them. I also think you should consider the people who don’t have the money to buy a tux or ball gown, unless your whole family is wealthy.
I think more people should consider that these events are not “all about them.” It’s about friends and family, too. Our family members still talk about the great time they had at our wedding, and that’s exactly what we’d hoped–that everyone remembers it as a great time, not the wedding that put them into debt or that they couldn’t afford to attend.
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We try to save up for things like weddings and special events. We’re not to a point where we’re often invited to parties for children we’re not related to, so those are all budgeted for. If we can’t afford it, though, we just respond “No”.
I’ve never had something like Allen’s situation sprung on me at the last minute. For family I probably would have done it, but there are some other situations were I may have just given up and gone home. Even if I had already RSVPd “Yes.”
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Our son is getting married in another country this fall (at his fiancee’s hometown) and we made it clear to family and friends right from the beginning that we have no expectations of anyone attending. The ones who like the idea of traveling and have the money are coming, the others are not. No hard feelings and no pressure. It’s too much to expect people to fork out a load of money for a one day event, esp. if $ is tight. Don’t worry about it and do what you can afford. If someone offers to pay, take them up on it
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We are going on a cruise next month and last night I bought a cocktail type black dress that will work great for $20. If you anticipate events and try to stock your wardrobe to be ready for unexpected events it is easier to catch bargains. I buy ahead, usually out of season, to keep my closet stocked.
I also keep my pantry stocked for quick meals and can entertain quickly.
In the event of weddings, I think you can find great gift items and clothing if you shop ahead. If you find out about a dress code that day and cannot find a bargain when you shop I would miss the event before I would blow money that I did not have to buy one outfit. I don’t think you have to get a gift off their registry. It is a guideline and actually in poor taste for the bride to post a list. It is for the attendant to let people know about. Brides today have lost the manners and gratitude of a gift and expect a certain amount be spent. It is their most important day and they expect everyone else to be as excited about it.
I guess it is me, but I make other excuses if an event is not what I want to put my money into. I never told people that I didn’t have the money. I always used another excuse like we were unable to attend because we had another obligation or something. (An obligation not to go broke on your event!)
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If the wedding was sprung on you at the last minute, that’s like a family emergency that you either help out with or don’t. If you had plenty of notice, that’s more like a family tradition/birthday/holiday spending decision. Either way, feelings are usually hurt unless you do spend a certain expected amount.
I used to spend lavishly on gifts for my family members, getting more broke all the time. My family understood that one year I was taking control of my financial situation, but still surprisingly shocked when that Christmas I gave gifts that were only $20 – $30 each to each of them. One of my sisters even starting crying she was so disappointed! *Sigh.* It was tough, but they finally got the message that I just can’t afford it. Since then, I have spent more on coworkers and friends than my family b/c I was traumatized by that Christmas and just don’t want to go through that again.
However, this post has made me reconsider. So, I’ll be stronger now. Thanks, Trent!
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I have taken I new tack for things I can’t do: I say I am “unavailable”. Most people actually don’t ask for an excuse or reason, unless you are married to that person or it’s your best friend (who knows your whereabouts and situations already).
As for making clothing purchases, I do my best with my resources. I have gone to thrift stores and purchased very beautiful, ‘lightly used’ (or new-store castaway) clothing for special occasions when I didn’t have the right outfit already. No one at the event knew whether my outfit was mine or had previously been someone else’s.
And, for what it’s worth, about the comment made above by ‘Rachel’ – whose aunt had a last minute wedding and was angry that Rachel (a niece) wasn’t able to afford and arrange attendance at the aunt’s sudden wedding. I have noticed (from my own wedding) that the bride cannot visit with everyone who attends; attendance for all these events is symbolic anyway. The aunt seemed like she needed something to be angry about… No one ‘has to’ do ANYTHING social in life, and that includes weddings, dinners, or funerals. A simple “I am so very sorry, I am completely unavailable – to where may I send a gift?” hopefully would have helped.
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I don’t do weddings unless they are immediate family. Theoretically I’d go to a very small handful (3 maybe) of close friends’ weddings but none of them have actually gone through with it yet.
I’ve actually only been to one wedding and although we managed to get by with very little expense at that one, I found the whole affair to be generally unpleasant.
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JD-good question. First you have to remember that you can always say no. You may be uncomfortable. Your family and friends may be upset. None of this matters.
Be firm but friendly. Most people will understand. If they keep pushing become more firm and less friendly.
Right now you are desperately trying to get your finances under control. You are in crisis mode trying to keep your head above water. It is irresponsible to expect much from you financially.
I just did a post that is on a similar topic. Even though the initial request is different the decision making process is identical.
In a year or two you will have a savings built up to handle there things. This problem then goes away.
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There shouldn’t be any problem with telling people that you can’t afford to go to their wedding. My wife and I had our wedding last year in her hometown, which entailed a flight for most of my family, and we understood (even expected) that some people wouldn’t be able to make it as a result. The only exceptions I would consider would be very close family, or friends that are as good as family.
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I’m getting married at the end of August this year. I am having a destination wedding of sorts and understand that some people can’t afford it. I saw some family this weekend and my cousin simply said “I’m sorry, I can’t go because I can’t afford it.”
I’m totally cool with that.
A wedding isn’t meant to put your family out of sorts. If the couple is so uptight that they can’t handle a “I’m sorry, I just can’t afford to go.” Then maybe you aren’t really missing out. Additionally I’m not expecting anyone to go out of their way to get me a gift.
My advice would be to send them a heartfelt card that expresses your support and happiness for them. That’s what it is all about.
The point isn’t to make feel people guilty. I’m just happy to celebrate the occasion and wish everyone could come but am reasonable.
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I’m inclined to think that we need to maintain loving relationships, by all means, yet we also need to be ‘outside the box’ independent thinkers concerning money, given our spendthrift culture. More at http://www.diamondcutlife.org/.
Alison Wiley
Portland, Oregon
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I just don’t buy the clothes excuse. It sounds like the commenter was a guy having to rent a tux.
Unless the wedding is black tie (not that common), they won’t kick you out. If it is black tie, it said that on the invitation. It wouldn’t be a surprise. Even if it is black tie, you can get in with a black suit and a bow tie.
If you don’t have clothes nice enough to wear to a wedding/graduation/christening/funeral, that’s not the wedding’s fault.
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I have actually heard brides in shock when everyone RSVP’s a “yes” and she doesn’t get any “regrets” back within the first couple of weeks. She was starting to panic that her hall wouldn’t be large enough.
Consider perhaps that by not attending, you are saving the bride’s family, or perhaps the couple, the cost of your attendance, sometimes upwards of $20 per plate, plus alcohol.
So don’t feel TOO obligated.
The couple is merely delighted to hear from you and receive your RSVP in a timely manner so they can plan accordingly.
Their day will be wonderful either way. Send your RSVP back immediately if you can’t come, because they might be able to ask someone in your place (if space is tight).
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Weddings and related event costs can get out of hand, quickly. I don’t think it is a coincidence that the weddings I’ve most enjoyed attending have been less outlandish, for both guests and the married couple themselves (including my wife’s best friend’s wedding where the couple hand-made a lot of items, including invitations and favours).
The trouble comes when additional costs for guests are a) unannounced and b) excessive. It seems like this instance fits both those categories. If for some reason your wedding is going to antagonise your guests then it is worth double-checking whether your requirements are reasonable or not.
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My sister’s nephew (very wealthy) got married and the inn where the out of town family stayed was $400 a night! My sister felt like they couldn’t NOT stay there, since there was all that family bonding time, but I think wealthy people should pick up the tab when they do this. I would have stayed at the nearest Holiday Inn!
Here’s my challenge. I hate staying 5-6 hours at weddings and listening to really loud bands, too loud to have meaningful conversations over. I would be happy to go to the ceremony and the cocktails, and leave. This would save the couple a bundle. But it’s awkward. Brides and grooms, how would you feel if a guest replied “Yes to ceremony and cocktails, no to the sit-down dinner”?
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This is an interesting issue for me because I am getting married in August. Many of our nearest and dearest (including my entire immediate family) live in other parts of the country and must fly out for the wedding. Our friends don’t have much money, and frankly, neither do we. (We are keeping the wedding simple, if not tiny). I would hate for anyone to feel obligated to come if it were too much of a burden, financially or otherwise. My solution was to e-mail or call each of my far-flung friends individually to let them know that I invited them because I cared about them, and that I would love it if they could come. But I also told them that I understood completely if they couldn’t make it, for whatever reason (too far to travel, no time, no vacation, scheduling conflicts etc). Part of it too is that we’ve had a fairly short engagement (less than six months from proposal to wedding), and it seems unfair to expect people to drop everything just because this is when we wanted to get married.
It’s also an interesting question what people require of their attendants. We are trying to ask as little financially from our attendants as possible, which isn’t that difficult, given the informality of our wedding. In fact, I think the fact that our wedding is so modest budget-wise makes all of it easier. We can’t spend a fortune on people, and thus we wouldn’t expect them to spend a fortune in return. I think perhaps the inverse may be true for some folks.
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It’s ok to not go. I live in NJ and my cousin lives and got married in Baltimore. The wedding was a Sunday evening, and would have required a one or two night hotel stay in order for us to attend. Plus, we just opened a business and are short on cash and time.
I felt terrible, but I had to decline. Etiquette says you have up to a year to send a gift, and I haven’t done that yet either (though I actually have saved a little and plan to send it this month with a note expressing my apologies for not being able to make it – that’s not bad for an April wedding).
Same thing happened when I was IN a wedding in October. The dress the bride picked was somewhat reasonable, but sort of expensive; but we HAD to have the shoes dyed, HAD to have the matching wrap, etc; the maid of honor was less than willing to negotiate with the bridesmaids on the location of the shower; That wedding ended up costing me much more than I had on hand to spend at a very rough time.
It happens. You can’t let it make you feel bad or guilty. Just move on…
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I’m with Southern. I try to anticipate in advance what might be needed for the year. I purchased a dress on clearance at Macy’s for a mere eighteen dollars and I can use that for weddings or other events. The hardest part is trying to put aside monetary gifts– especially unexpected ones like getting a grad invitation from neighbors who moved out of state–ouch!
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This particular situation was rough. He knew about the wedding, but not about what to wear. On the day of the wedding, it’s not likely you’ll find something in a thrift shop, re-sale shop, or garage sale or be able to find someone to borrow something from.
I’m guessing he now has a tux because his dark suit wasn’t good enough. At least he can re-use this if he can stay the same size!
I like Southern’s ideas of getting prepared for things like this when you do have time. I did recently decide to start looking for a little black dress, and several months later I found a great one for $3 plus dry-cleaning (which I have since used on a cruise and at a company party). I did manage to go 44 years without having one, though, by being creative in a way that wasn’t allowed here. But it’s good for you to have something to wear to weddings (summer and winter), funerals, interviews (and some companies require more than one interview!), formal events, swimming events, messy activities (like house painting), cold outdoor activities (like skiing), and sweaty outdoor events (like picnics).
I tend to just go along with things, although I suspect my friends deliberately don’t ask me to do expensive things. My parents subsidize trips, and now I also subsidize family members for activities that are once-in-a-lifetime activities. And I subsidize friends for things I really, really want them to join me on. And I have accepted a subsidy (harder!) when someone really wanted me to join him.
I probably should get better at turning people down for things that are expensive that I don’t really want to do anyway (although you never really know what’s going to turn out to be fun until it’s too late).
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A few random thoughts:
*Yes, you can budget for social obligations. And really, if you’re continually balking at spending money on people that are presumably close to you, you’ve left frugal and are entering “miser” territory.
*Yes, you can regret. I nixed a birthday party for one of my kid’s classmates because her parents live in a distant exurb from the urban center where they attend preschool.
*Further, for kids, create a new social norm among your friends where gifts are not requested at birthday parties.
*As for the $300 expenditure on clothes for a wedding, it sounds like the reader needed to buy a suit, since tux rentals are only ~$75. If so, bud, you probably needed a suit generally. Think of it as an investment in the future. It will serve you well for future weddings, funerals, and other occasions.
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I’m totally with Gwyneth (#5) when she said, “this bridezilla nonsense needs to be addressed”. I got married last summer and made my wedding very affordable for everyone, including the attendants.
I am standing up in my friend’s wedding this fall (she stood up in mine – it cost her about $60 including the dress) and it is costing me easily $500 – not including the wedding gift. Insane!
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This is a subject that always gets me going. I have attended countless weddings (sometimes second and third weddings for the same people) and have been forced to buy gifts for people while I never got anything in return. I have not gotten married yet and I have no kids. For at least 10 years, I have been buying gifts for people because I felt like I had to.
I came to a conclusion that I just simply will not go to weddings anymore. The only exception will be my brother when he gets married. Other than that, I am done. In my opinion, most weddings are a large waste of money and a big show that no one remembers a month later anyway. They just aren’t for me.
If and when I get married, I will have a small wedding and take 1/16 of what a wedding costs and have a nice honeymoon. The rest will be saved.
As far as kids birthday parties, pampered chef parties, tupperware parites etc… Those also get on my nerves. I usually will not attend a childs birthday party. I make it clear if I go to a tupperware party (or pampered chef or whatever the party is) that I am not going to buy anything. Most of my friends know I have the attitude ‘if I don’t need it I don’t buy it’. They don’t really get it.
I know it could sound like I’m being snobbish or way too frugal, but in reality I just don’t feel like buying items every time I turn around for birthdays or weddings is a good use of my money.
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There’s no concrete advice that can be given, since everyone’s situations are so different. With our small circle of friends, we’ve all spent a pretty penny to fly out to each others’ weddings (sometimes even paying for those that can’t afford it). The hosts have always considered people’s presence enough, so gifts in this circle are discouraged. Even though the money’s still gone, it’s been nice not to feel shaken down, and the cummulative experiences have been worth it.
For smaller things, I’d probably be inclined to turn down things that aren’t from best friends and close family. And I’m fully convinced that when you can’t afford anything, a thoughtfully composed card should suffice. Those who feel “cheated” can, well, just feel that way.
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I have 13 first cousins, many of whom are on their second marriages. I used to feel I had to go to every wedding, christening, etc. I have learned to say no. I don’t say I can’t afford it, I say I have a work conflict or whatnot. I can then afford to send a small gift. Most of the time, unless we are really close, they don’t mind – they have 150 other guests!!!
This way, when something is REALLY important (a friend who got married right after her Dad died), I have the money to go – and then I feel really good about being there – not obligated or tense or resentful.
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P.S. A good friend recently suggested we go to a very expensive restaurant for her bday. I had already spent $40 on a group gift, and am flying to spend her bday with her in her hometown. Since we’ve been friends so long, I felt I could say “I feel awkward about this, but I am feeling anxious about my finances. I really want to celebrate with you, is there a less expensive place you would enjoy?”
She responded so positively, and now we are grilling in her backyard!
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I honestly think that there’s a fairly large faction of people that purposely make their weddings expensive, excessively formal or in some out of the way place simply to keep it small. One of my cousins had her wedding in the Grand Caymans. That kept it to about 40 people. It probably saved them a lot of money – what they spent for the exotic location, they made up in less food and drink. We’re a big Irish family and we can put a serious hurting on an open bar.
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This is so interesting, because this was just the issue we dealt with this past weekend, and since I’m new to this whole “frugal” thing, I didn’t deal with it the best way I probably could have.
My friends all wanted to go in on a gift, and I felt that the total per couple was too much. I had an e-mail all written up explaining that money was kind of tight, but at the last minute “chickened” out. I know I need to get past my embarrassment of not being as financially well-off as my friends, but it was hard for me to not “go with the crowd”, and we ended up giving more than I wanted to for both the wedding gift and the bachelorette party (which was the same weekend).
I’m enjoying reading all the comments about how others deal with this situation- what a great way to share “strategies” and experiences with these similar money “woes”. I’m confident that next time, as I become stronger about my convictions when it comes to being more frugal, I’ll be able to handle the situation much better.
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The wedding industry has gotten out of control, but I can understand the sense of obligation. I turned to Emily Post for advice and she didn’t disappoint
“The amount spent on the gift should be based on your affection for and relationship with the couple – or their families – as well as your budget. People sometimes say that a wedding gift should cost at least as much as the bride and groom are spending on entertaining each person at the reception, but that is a myth.”
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Just a side note – I have to agree with everyone on here about the suit.
Maybe travel and gifts and stuff might be too expensive for this particular event, but all men need to have at least one respectable dark suit in their wardrobe. (And women a dark dress THAT FITS!) I’m guessing you needed a tux this time around, but what if you needed to go to a funeral in two days? You never know. My husbands father died unexpectedly and with all the horrible plans we had to make, we had to go out and find him a suit to wear on top of all that. Bad, bad planning on our part.
P.S. And about the garage sale suits – come on people. I know this from experience. My father (who has no other reason to wear a suit other than weddings and funerals) brought a navy blue pin striped suit with a mismatched tie that was too small in the cuffs and legs and thought that would be alright to wear to both my wedding and my sisters. There is a big difference between being frugal and being a cheapskate!
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I really appreciate the thought and energy people have put forward here so far. I, in fact, do shop at thrift stores for my cloths, the very few times i need to buy them a year. I think it’s great advice for most people, and for most situation. you can get great deals.
As for the “just don’t go;” That would have NOT BEEN AN OPTION. That is, if i ever wanted to see my family again. The wedding was only 1.5 hours from where i live, roughly. On top of that, i like seeing my relatives, even if their social dynamic is different then my own. There are situations, especially with family, in which one party expects you to have more money/resources [in this case nice cloths] then I do. They aren’t trying to be mean, they are just from such a different social-bracket, that they did not even consider that i would not have the cloths needed to get into the country club.
@dotatemyfinances: Just becuase the invite said the country club, did not mean that i knew what was needed to get _into_ the country club. ;P
A big part of this issue, for me, was having to deal with family’s expectations from a very different world.
and YES, i know i probably needed a nice jacket, and pants, and shirt, and tie, and brown shoes: But i did not need to spend it all in one day!
Thankfully I am not in debt right now, i’m just trying to build my emergency fund. This wedding ate up the entirety of what i had saved so far. I am forced to think that this is one of those stupid times when dipping into it is needed/useful. It just feels stupid to be buying cloths from that fund. :[
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses so far!
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There is no absolute obligation to spend in any social setting. It should really be a question of individual priorities and where your sense of social obligation fits in relative to your other spending.
Treat money like time. You only have so much to work with. If there were another wedding on the same day, you’d have to choose. If you have other uses for your money, you have to choose.
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The general rule for invitations is that you are *asking* someone if they could join you in celebrating ‘whatever’; it’s not an order to attend. Sadly, people feel an obligation and get pressure if it’s an important family event like a wedding. A good host (whether it’s a couple marrying or any party) focuses on their guests–that’s their role. When people are far away or can’t make it for financial or any reasons, the invitation should be treated as a wedding announcement–send a note of congrats with your RSVP regreting you’re unable to make it. You’re under no obligation to give a reason. You should still send a gift, but make it appropriate to your financial circumstances and the closeness of the relationship of the couple.
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@Carrie:
Wow! as much as they spent! Scary [if i had had to have done that!]! Unfortunately, with something like that, this “myth” is not one, not if those people/recipients are the ones who believe it, then you are just the “jerk,” to them. :[
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I like the advice of “Southern” to keep a stock of suitable gifts for childrens parties and suchlike. I’ll start doing that as my daughter grows a little older and starts attending friends’ birthday parties.
Martin (#10) writes that is seems selfish not to want to spend on friends and relatives weddings, birthdays etc. I can agree to some extent, but I think the problem with “socially obligated spending” is that it seems (to me at least) to be ever increasing.
Is this really what most of us want, or are we just doing it because it is what we think others expect? For instance, if you’re a parent, isn’t it easier to just go ahead and buy a slightly more expensive gift to your childs friends party than to be the one raising the issue of money? I’ve heard friends and coworkers complain about how their kids’ going to 10+ birthday parties a year is becoming expensive. But all seem reluctact to questing the amount of money spent.
And no, I don’t think it “washes out”. Really, if I go to a wedding where I need to buy a tux, how can that wash out? Yes, if it makes me happy to see other people in tux on my own wedding… but it won’t. I’ll be as happy if they just show up just with any decent clothes.
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Reading through this, I realize that we are only getting one side of the story. I’m not sure what to make of not knowing what to wear. If it is true that Allen didn’t know about the “dress code” for the wedding because it was never mentioned anywhere, then it is rather arrogant that no one told him of it. As far as “not ‘good enough’”, was he even wearing a suit and tie?
To be quite frank, I’m not sure what I would do in that situation. $300 is a lot of money on the spur of the moment. It seems odd that he wouldn’t know of it until the day of the wedding, and even odder that he couldn’t rent a tux (as another poster mentioned). I mean, a new tux would need a fitting, right? How much longer would it take to make a couple of phone calls to some other places? Did he fly there? If it were me and I had drove, I frankly might just turn around and go home, just based on what he’s saying. I don’t need family that springs inconsiderate surprises like that.
I have to question the fact that he felt pressured to go to a wedding of his cousin, though. A brother or sister I can understand, but a cousin? I have more than a couple (understatement) of first cousins, and I can’t see going to each and every affair they have. I’d certainly go broke very quickly. I would probably send them gifts, and that would be about all, unless it was one I had a special relationship with. Even if it were a brother or sister, I would have trouble getting past the expectation that I would just “know” what to show up in beyond what I would wear to church (which, I’ll admit is surprising what some wear to church even).
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I understand that not going isn’t an option here, but I also don’t think we can expect ourselves or others to accept every invitation we’re ever issued. I also don’t think it’s necessary to give a reason when declining to attend for financial considerations. A wedding has to be held somewhere, and invariably there will be guests who have to travel some distance to it, or decide not to attend. That’s life, and friends and family will understand, and if they don’t, the problem is theirs. “I wish I could be there” and a card and/or a gift is more than sufficient. Many people, even those planning on attending, don’t even bother to Rsvp these days, so your on-time reply and heartfelt note (and gift, if you choose) will be appreciated. There’s no need to make the couple feel guilty about your financial situation. They may be feeling guilty already because a wedding is a complicated thing, everyone has an opinion, and you can’t please everyone. That said, it’s my feeling that our ties to family and friends are one of the best investments we can make in life, so this is an area worth budgeting for (a good suit/dress to last years, modest gifts, some travel occasionally).
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I have to say I’m confused.
They showed up to a wedding with attire considered inappropriate for ENTRY?
What were they wearing?
Look, if you have a wedding to go to EVER you should have something decent to wear – thrift store or not – [also communions, funerals, other 'nice' events] and I’ve only ever heard of a dress code being ‘black tie’ or not – if it was it would have said so ON the invitation. So there should be no surprise.
My assumption here is that some unpleasant family member told the person it was not good enough? The answer? “Gee thanks for your support – this is what I”m wearing – hope we’re sitting together since it’s been such fun chatting!”
Otherwise I’m really stumped here
On the actual question – how to deal with socially obligated spending – you budget for it and you decline what you can’t afford – wedding registries? don’t follow them if it’s out of your range – get what you want and woe to the rude newlyweds who spurn a gift given with love – karma is a tough thing to deal with!
We have three kids and dh has both a large family and a job that involves a lot of invitations as well. ‘Gifts’ is one of our biggest budget items LOL – but we manaage – children’s gifts are bought on clearance and stored up, wedding gifts are checks in an appropriate amount and when we can get out of going we decline and send a smaller check [but still send the gift], other family things – new babies etc – we havea budget – it works out to roughly the same amount every year – it probably does for most people if you track it – the new babies turn into birthdays and communions etc and then graduations and then weddings and then new babies again LOL
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@Dylan, Leslie, &c:
Sometimes you DO have go to go something like this. For me, it is my first cousin’s first wedding. I do love her, and that side of my family.
For some of us, Family is FAMILY. That means you do anything for them, and they will do anything for YOU. I have started to realize as i get older, that not everyone has a close relationship with their family. I feel sorry for them, and try to remember the warmth, and happiness i do get from my family (when i am not spending more money then i am comfortable with.
) At the end of the day, it IS just money.
Ok, yes, i can choose to not go. That choice would irrepribly damage my relation with those… relations. It is not as cut and dry as we wish it could be! I could have gotten away with saying to a FRIEND that i couldn’t go, due to money, and I HAVE: But family is different.
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I would use the money that is saved in my emergency fund, to deal with an ‘emergency’ invitation that I had not already budgeted for – which I must attend.
Emergency funds can be for leaky roofs, replacement gaskets or for last-minute unplanned events, that’s why it’s called an ‘emergency’ fund
I hope you have a great time at the wedding Allen, and best wishes to the bride and groom.
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Weddings really seem like they are getting way too expensive. Not only for guests but for the wedding couple. It almost seems like they are putting on a party to make money. Something is wrong with that picture.
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