Ask the Readers: How to Cope with Socially Obligated Spending?
Published on - June 27th, 2008 (by J.D. Roth) Allen recently attended a family wedding that put a hole in his budget. He wonders how to cope with societal pressure to spend:
How do you deal with social situations where you have to spend? I just had to spend $300 to go to a cousin’s wedding. I couldn’t not go — it’s family. But I couldn’t get in wearing what I own, because it wasn’t “good enough” and I couldn’t just go rent something because:
- It wasn’t that much cheaper, really.
- I only found out the day of the wedding that my clothes were not “good enough” to even get in to where the wedding was held.
These sorts of situations are awkward. What’s the best way to handle them?
This question goes beyond the common problem where you feel pressured to have a drink after work, which we’ve covered before. Allen’s question is more about deeply-ingrained societal obligations to spend, like weddings, graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries.
His specific example involves big numbers, but these sorts of things occur more frequently on a smaller scale: the endless cycle of children’s birthday parties, passing the envelope at the office, school fundraisers, your sister-in-law’s candle party. Last month, Betsy Teutsch shared a guest post about wedding registries that touched on similar emotions.
What can you do when placed in these situations, especially if money is tight? Can you simply say, “I can’t afford it. I can’t come.”? Can you budget for social obligations? Or is it best to believe that things will “come out in the wash” eventually — that one day it’ll be you hosting a child’s birthday party, hosting a tupperware party, or asking guests to wear fancy clothes to a wedding?
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Craigslist is great for fancy dresses. Many girls buy nice designer cocktail dresses for prom in May, and sell them for cash in June!
Or you can do like Brood and buy a dress at the GAP on Saturday, go to the wedding, and return it on Sunday.
And as someone else said, borrow. Even children can borrow from their close friends – I did when I was 5, to attend my aunt’s wedding. Wearing my best friend’s pretty dress made the occasion memorable.
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We find that when these types of things come up – we try to plan for it. Such as a big trip that we “have” to take – we will try to budget a little for it … this way it wont be last minute and on the credit card.
Also there is definitely the option of not attending every single event. (especially if its far away and involves air fare) i think people understand that you cant make it to every party.
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In the past year I attended about 4-5 weddings. I think sometimes in everyones life there is just ‘a year of weddings’. I’m 26 and though i felt obligated to go to every one, by the end you just need to say, hey i can’t come to the wedding, but thank you for inviting me. And then perhaps shell out 50 dollars or more as a thank you for the invite, which is all they really wanted anyway.
I don’t really know how things go, but cousins aren’t always so close that you have to spend 300 dollars to be there. I think every family is different. Sometimes a convenient lie about being busy or prior commitments is all it takes. If you feel guilty send cash otherwise don’t. If you really have to be there then sometimes you just have to take the hit, like when your car breaks, or something explodes, because how often does the family get together really?
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After just throwing a wedding reception myself (woohoo!), I can tell you that I wouldn’t have minded at all if someone couldn’t show up – for whatever reason.
It’s not that i don’t love them all, but you have soooo much going on, and so many people that ARE coming, that it’s all good.
just don’t say WHY you’re not coming if the details above are the case
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I know how this goes, I stood up in a wedding two weekends ago:
$180 2-nights in a hotel
$130 Tux
$65 Gift
Had a blast though I will say. Felt a bit guilty of my spending habits afterwards but was one of my best friends and I’m sure he’d do the same for me. If I were in a tighter budget status I might have thought twice about it. This was the first for me so now I know how much it really costs.
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Hmmm… good question.
We budget charitable donations, gifts (christmas, birthday, misc.) so when they come along we come along we’ve got the money to cover the obligations. I also find that my budget works well as an excuse when someone is asking for donations – “we’ve already allocated our charity budget” or “what a great cause, but my charity budget is already going to X, Y, Z cause.”
At the office, I’ll chip in for a gift for someone I have a relationship with (otherwise I don’t feel any obligation) and I’ll buy GS cookies from my secretary’s kiddos but not the rest of the staff’s kiddos.
We have spent a lot of money on weddings and travel to weddings the last few years. Before I got serious about my money I would buy a new dress (and shoes/purse, etc.) for each event. Now I have a good selection of attire for any event so I’ve cut way back on the dress shopping. Mr. Sam invested in a tux and a couple of nice suits over the years so he is covered for all events (once in a while he buys a new tie).
When Mr. Sam and I got married a year or so ago I thought all the wedding travel that we had done over the years would mean that all those folks would come to our special day. Guess what, it doesn’t work that way so I wouldn’t attend weddings on the pay-back principle.
Is it okay to say you can’t attend a wedding because you can’t afford it…. yes and people understand that. I had a few people who couldn’t afford to come to my wedding and guess what I (and others) helped pay the way for some folks.
We traveled (by air) for my two cousins’ weddings and traveled for Mr. Sam’s four cousins’ weddings in the past 6 years, so I can understand the cousin thing (I spent a lot of time with my cousins growing up as did Mr. Sam).
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Wow, what an amazing comment chain. Family issues always seem to turn into this.
First, the best answer is to have planned ahead. I agree with the several comments that it shouldn’t have been a last minute surprise. Unless it is on the beach in Maui it will be formal. A suit is a minimum.
Second, this is where a savings helps. It is a buffer for when life happens.
Third, none of the above advice helps if you are not at that stage in life yet. At this point you have some decisions to make.
Personally I don’t see how any loving family member would put you in a situation you could not afford. Be open and honest. Swallow your pride and explain your situation.
And at the end of the day you do have the right to say no. If you do it in a loving and caring manner it won’t damage the relationship.
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And even though I’m an old pro at weddings, black-tie events, etc. Mr. Sam and I ended up very under-dressed at an egagement party within the last year or so. We were invited to an egagement party (outside, pool-side, summer, in South Florida) and everyone else was wearing semi-formal and formal attire. Poor Mr. Sam, he was in shorts and a nice casual shirt (and about to kill me) I was at least in a nice sun-dress. But, about an hour or so into the event all the men were sweating buckets and telling Mr. Sam they wished they had worn shorts.
I got myself into attire trouble because I assumed the attire based on the invite, time, location, season, etc. and did not take into account culture (guest of honor and 90% of guests are from a culture not my own).
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@Sam:
Just so, Sam! Different cultures have different expectations. It can be hard, when you are interacting across those lines.
And in my aunt & uncle’s defense, if i had told them i could not have afforded cloths, i am sure they would have offered to paid for them. Since i had the emergency funds, though, that didn’t seem right.
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Family may or may not fall into the “must attend” events. I have a very dear friend who is getting married very close to my due date. He and his lovely bride both understood, but they are the last on my list of must attend weddings with the exception of my own children.
Weddings and family events are always a tricky situation. My husband and I have seen the fall out of not attending certain events because we now have kids. I stay true to our decisions as a couple that look at both our budget and personal commitment to the hosts. The economy is such that anyone should understand that such events maybe cost prohibitive for some of their guests.
I agree the invitation should be clear on attire. That’s part of the reason for the RSVP, right?
For those who’ve been generous in the past at weddings but have not received the equivalent in return. I have a fortune cookie quote
“Your kindness will lead you to happiness”. Sometimes a simple card or small gift is just as meaningful, if not more than a place set of china.
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I am going to my first wedding as an adult in a few months. I can either purchase something off of the registry or give a check. I am curious as to what a typical cash amount is for wedding attendence. I will be going solo.
As for ‘passing the envelope’ at work, this has become a problem for me lately. People have started a collection for anything and everything, and I am now contributing to the third one this month. I’m having to spend more on these things than I do on my own personal discretionary spending for the month. We don’t ‘pass the envelope’ at work though, if we did I would put in a small amount and call it a day. We are personally approached and asked if we want to contribute.
I want to have good working relations with my co-workers and for me contributing is a part of being one of the ‘team’. Personally, it’s fine if the amount is 3-5 dollars but anything above that is audacious on a regular basis. I was asked to contribute over 25 dollars for something at work and I almost died. I am going to voice my opinion on the range I am willing to contribute for these things.
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A) Budget for social obligations you can’t get out of:
* the endless cycle of children’s birthday parties <-Gifts don’t have to be BIG. A $7 action figure, board game or doll will do.
B) Some of the ones listed you can get out of: passing the envelope at the office <- I actually say no. It’s tough at first, but once you realize it’s your right to decide which charities you consider the most important & budget for them on a yearly basis you concise is in the clear.
C) school fund raisers <-budget for it or say no.
D) your sister-in-law’s candle party <-You don’t need to fund every cousin’s get rich scheme.
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Two separate costs here, the cost to travel, and the cost to celebrate.
To travel to an out of town wedding and stay at a hotel is expensive, without a doubt. If one cannot afford it, one can decline the invitation. No explanation is required by etiquette, but one should be prepared to answer “why” in the case of a close relative or close friend.
To celebrate in a style of clothing appropriate for the event can be expensive. But having one reasonable suit of clothes in one’s closet is an *investment* in something that can be used many times over, with proper care… for weddings, job interviews, and other more formal occasions. If you are employed with some disposable income, a black dinner jacket with tuxedo pants (off the rack), formal shirt and bow time/cummerbund set will not cost much more than one rental of such a suit. One’s properly shined dress shoes (normally worn with the interview suit) will suffice with a tux. If you expect to wear a tux at least twice in your adult life, it’s probably better to own it than rent it each time. For growing children, formal wear should probably be rented instead of bought. Bought formal wear is a luxury, for sure, but something that can be worn for lifetime if you manage your weight.
If asked to be part of a wedding party (requiring formal clothing or a matching dress) and you can’t afford the expense, explain to the person who asked you that money is tight right now and you can’t afford the clothing expense. That gives an opening for the person asking you to offer to pay for your clothes.
As far as a gift goes: no one is obligated to give a gift, though it is a nice to do for people whom you want to have a gift in commemorating the event. If the hosts of the event are understanding and appreciative, your mere attendance on the special day is a gift to be treasured and remembered.
Bottom line is that social spending, while a luxury, is something that should give you pleasure. Don’t do it if it makes you unhappy or uncomfortable. But if you are spending discretionary income, better to spend it on social things that make you and others happy than on selfish garbage like cable or satellite TV and gadgets that quickly depreciate in value.
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I can’t really imagine a venue that would turn you away from the wedding for what you’re wearing. I work in the wedding industry, and have attended some pretty expensive events, and I have never ever heard of a venue asking guests to leave because their dress wasn’t up to par. If the bride and groom saw fit to invite someone, the vendors are obligated to accommodate that person, regardless of how tacky their clothing choice may be. Not saying it’s impossible, but seriously, I have NEVER even HEARD of this.
I’m guessing that Allen’s family members actually felt embarrassed by his choice of dress, and they managed to convince him that he had to buy a new suit because the wedding venue wouldn’t “let him in” otherwise. In other words, I call b*llsh*t.
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I have a small family, and most of them live half a continent away. I know it caused hurt feelings, but I’ve had to decline to attend any of my cousins’ weddings (so did my parents who live near me).
I just couldn’t justify the time and expense of a trip halfway across the country to attend the wedding of people who I talk to once every 3-5 years. Even though they are family, they are practically strangers to me.
I did attend an out-of-state wedding once, for one of my dearest friends. It was a pleasure to do so. They also put me up at her parents’ house for the trip.
On the other hand, I’ve been feeling hurt all summer ever since another good friend got married but didn’t invite me to her wedding just a few miles from where I live — instead I got invited to a reception at a local brewery held a week later. Their reasoning: they wanted to keep the wedding to family. A big part of it was they didn’t want the big expensive reception afterwards.
Here’s the thing: I don’t like the reception. The part of a wedding I like is the ceremony itself.
I just wanted to see her exchange her vows.
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$300 for clothes just to pass inspection at the door?! Sorry, but if my all-purpose Navy Blue Suit isn’t enough, you’ll just have to press on without me. Like Thoreau said: “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.”
As far as candle parties or even worse, “Pampered Chef” parties go, I just don’t see anything good about paying Macy’s prices for Walmart quality.
I wish I could convince my family that adults should just exchange cards and kind words for Christmas. Imagine how much one could save by only getting gifts for the kids! Call me a grouch if you will, but the whole opening-the-presents-under-the-tree scenario lost its charm for me somewhere around puberty. I just like being with Family.
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YB for that significant ‘gift collecting’ at work it may be something you should speak to an HR person about – or to your boss – privately – that it’s a real issue for you but you feel pressured to be part of the team and that it’s a problem financially – hopefully it would lead to a policy that stopped this sort of stuff
It’s also ok to say to the collector – I’m really not able to do it this month – I had a big expense repairing/buying/fixing/going to whatever
and stick to it – it’s not fun being odd man out but eventually it’s sometimes necessary – and people eventually get over it [who knows, maybe you'll inspire others to say the same]
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Actually, I think Pampered Chef is better quality than WalMart.
I have a couple of Pampered Chef items that are The Best Kitchen Items Ever. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
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Remember, some couples feel obligated to invite some family and relatives too. Maybe you are one of them. If you RSVP early, I think they will feel relieved that they can deduct one more guest to their already bloated guest list. Less cost for both of you!
Just send a gift or a card that expresses your sincerest congratulations and best wishes. They will appreciate it more.
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Seems absurd. I’d think people who let their relatives get refused entry to their wedding despite trying to dress to the occasion are doing something badly badly wrong! Weddings are about people you love celebrating with you, not about having a row of people wearing just the right kind of a suit/dress.
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I did decline a wedding invitation- of someone who had been in my wedding party earlier that year- because, as I told her, we couldn’t afford both airfare and the 2 outfits needed (the wedding was on New Year’s eve and there was an after party, and neither dh nor I are the type to have fancy or party clothes in our closet). She told us to just wear the same thing to both parties, which made the situation doable.
One can say that “family is family”, but if it’s not a socially obligated situation, then there shouldn’t be all the stress over living up to the expectations described. In my family, we are very laid back, and don’t really have standards about what others wear and such. However, dh’s family is a bit more show-boaty (which is silly, because they uniformly have less money than my family does- but then I guess those things go hand in hand?), which makes us feel less comfortable about casually accepting invitations.
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atexasgirl is right. You can’t have a conscious. There are things in life that a person can’t do. If you worried about something like this then you would also worry about attending someones funeral. Your number one concern in life is yourself or immediate family. That is the bottom line.
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Dear Allen,
Its bullshit like.
Take it from me. One time I had a massive amount of money and I expected people to live up.Cocktail Parties etc. Dress up etc. Private tents. Horses at Ascot.
Guess what I lost all my money.Where were all these Cocktailers then. Not one of them even bothered to ring and see how I was doing.Bang “Poor old John ” down on his luck.
Red Card sent to the sin bin.
Then what! Made all the money back again. Guess what ya! all these cocktailers returned. ” You know John you got a good dose of reality and you bounced back ” ” Welcome back to the club” I went back to Cocktail world.
Then what Ya! Lost all my money again. Sin bin Red Card ” Poor old John down on his luck” Not one phone call even. Not even a lousy phone call.
Then what “made all the money back again ” Yea “Welcome back John to Cocktail world ”
Wait a second.Something wrong. Who are these people. Big lesson I did not know any of them. So I did a soul search. Boy sore thing.Big question “What contribution was I and these people making towards the good of other people ? ” Answer NOTHING.
That did it for me. I sought out people who are making CONTRIBUTIONS TO PEOPLE. Andrew Carnegie is right HE WHO DIES WEALTHY DIES IN DISGRACE. Use yourself to help people less fortunate than you and I do not mean just to give out of your abundance. Give. Can’t afford it! then give your time and leave these bullshitters to themselves.
You have better things to be attending to.
I know presidents, Consultants, Barristers, Lawyers, Engineers. But the dividing line is always the same. The ones who express love do not cause burdens for others why? because they are too busy trying to make a CONTRIBUTION OF GOOD to their fellow man.
Get involved in “something good” man. Say the SIMON community Help the homeless. The Samaritans who help people in distress. A.A.
Amnesty International. Anything. And get this bullshit out of your life for you.You are doing charity for you to protect yourself and at the same time you are making a difference to people’s lives.
Believe me you’ll find real good understanding friends in these caring organisations
John
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Another Ed – I agree about the whole Christmas thing. I have a large family and over the years we’ve been paring down our gift giving to siblings/nieces/nephews. Finally, I suggested 1 family select a charity each year to give to instead of gifts. Now we each give what we can (some $50, some $100 or whatever) to the charity instead of spending on gifts that none of us really need. It’s been a great relief, money-saver and more importantly, is more in the spirit of the season.
The whole idea of adults gift-giving out of obligation is nuts.
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For my immediate family, who understand my financial situation, I try to at least be present at the events I can get away with going to without a gift. I usually bring a dish or help decorate or something so I’m not completely mooching. If it was a situation like a wedding where my mere presence required expense, or it’s held at a hall where it’d be weird to bring food, I’d ask for a little help putting together the money.
For a cousin or other extended family member, I would never use the money excuse. It could be taken as a bit insulting if they are not really familiar with your financial situation, or even worse, they might feel you are asking them to pay for you. I’d simply send my regrets with a nice (affordable) gift and a sincere homemade card.
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It will depend on how you want to position yourselves in your social circle. There is a cost to everything. It’s just a matter of where your priorities are.
In leaner years especially, nobody should be ashamed to become the leaders or trendsetters in setting a new tone in social obligatory spending. You are only benefiting everyone if you are brave enough to send out the right signals, how we should all adjust & adapt accordingly, in face of economic hardship or windfall.
Social events should only act as lubricants, not abrasives.
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I’m 31, at an age where a lot of my friends are having weddings; unfortunately, I’m in a period of my life right now, just having traveled for a year and having completed my degree, where I am in big debt and I want to pay it off.
So, I’ve had to cancel on three good friends weddings in the past two years – I live in Calgary – one was in Vegas, one was in Vancouver and the other was in Ontario. Each of them would have cost me $1500 to go to; which was almost exactly what my one student loan was. Thanks to NOT going, my one student loan is paid off.
If they can’t understand that logic, there is nothing I can do to help them.
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Why did Allen (the person in the original story) only find out the day of that his clothes werent good enough?
Sorry — sounds like very poor planning on his part. He should have thought a little bit about the venue for the wedding, and if he wasn’t sure about the dress code – he should have asked.
sorry pal – you failed to plan. You were out $300. With a little more foresight, you could have found some cheaper duds to wear to a family function.
And for those of you saying, “I can’t go, it’s too expensive” — well like an early poster said: Stop having family and friends. Live in a cave, grow your own food, knit your own clotes and become an extreme frugalist.
Family stuff sometimes costs money — but if you save up and/or plan, it doesn’t have to be a killer.
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I make an excuse, such as saying that someone else is getting married on the same day and I’ve committed, using the excuse about not having vacation time, whatever. I’m in my early 30′s and get invited to way too many weddings these days. I try to go to those that I can drive to w/out needing a hotel. I refuse to pay rush airfare because someone got pregnant, etc. After flying roundtrip as a couple, boarding our dogs, getting a hotel room, buying gifts, airport parking, out of town meals, etc., we would spend about $1000+ per out of town wedding. I am willing to do this for immediate family, special family members I am very close to, and friends I am still very close to.
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OH and that reminds me, I had a friend I hadn’t seen in 3 years ask me to pay for her airfare. Then she added that she’d likely stay a week or two and visit with her mother and brothers! It was very awkward, and I basically responded that I’d love to see her but understood if she couldn’t make it. When a (traditional) couple is getting married and setting up house, the last expense they want is another few hundred dollar airfare tab. I was so broke that I didn’t even go on a honeymoon, so I was in no position to finance another’s vacation. I would NEVER ask this of a couple, EVER, and think it is incredibly rude.
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I think one of the themes here is a little planning and preparation. Once you get an emergency fund you can pay for those unexpected social obligations. It sort of sucks, but if it’s something you MUST do, its the same as fixing your car.
Then shop more- or at least have a well rounded wardrobe that you didn’t pay full price for. There are tons of articles on what a woman’s wardrobe “must include” and I’m sure there are similar things for men. This doesn’t solve the problem if you are away from home, but it won’t hurt.
The third theme is stop being such a miser! Investing in relationships is good.
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Dani,
I think your answer is clever and tactful. Wow, some people have nerve. Even if one says no, it makes one’s blood boil!
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Question: I was invited recently to a wedding and someone told me the polite amount to give these days is $150 per person–because that “covers the plate.” Does that seem like a lot to other people?
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@ eveyone who said i should have known/checked/called ahead:
I am a young man, with no experience with weddings outside of 2 or three of my closest friends. What i had was appropriate for their weddings. I had no reason to think that what i had would NOT have been appropriate, given that i had no expectation as to what “country club” would mean.
Please, when you answer these, keep in mind that some of us haven’t been to a hundred weddings, that some of us do not have the social investment that would lead to a return that includes knowledge to call ahead.
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Think of it as a learning experience. I’m facing the opposite problem next month. I was invited to a friend’s wedding but didn’t think to read the dress code until I read this blogpost on getrichslowly. To my surprise, the wedding is “casual dress”.
Since I have a professional job, I’m set on the formal attire. My problem is I didn’t actually own a nice casual outfit, only workout clothes and swim trunks.
I now have a nice new pair of sandals, and a casual summer outfit, cost $120. Thanks for giving me the heads up that the requests on the invitation are important to pay attention to, Allen.
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“Covers the plate?” Be serious. How someone chooses to celebrate THEIR wedding has no bearing on the gift that is given. The gift is exactly that, a gift, not a plate charge to cover wedding expenses. That’s offensive, in my opinion.
).
I choose how much to spend depending on my relationship to the couple, not the style of the wedding. I generally spend around $100 for closer friends/family and $50 for those that are not (I’ve spent less when I’m not sure why I’ve been invited
Ultimately, what you spend on a gift should be entirely up to you and your budget, not what is the “norm” or what is expected by others.
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I’m doubtful that the country club would have turned you away from a wedding, and I expect it was mostly assumption on your and your mothers part. Your mother may have just wanted you to look nicer.
I’d chalk this one up to experience and put in in the emergency fund expenditure category. You chose to pay to buy a suit. You didn’t have to. Maybe you feel theres no option. If thats the truth that theres no option then I’m not sure what you want us to tell you.
The main advice I have for the future is to be more honest and open with your relatives about your finances. It sounds like they took it for granted you’d have a nice suit and that it wouldn’t be a problem to buy one. If they don’t know you can’t afford it then you need to tell them. When you mom said your suit wasn’t enough then did you explain you couldn’t afford to buy a new one?? I doubt it.
Honestly given this quote: “And in my aunt & uncle’s defense, if i had told them i could not have afforded cloths, i am sure they would have offered to paid for them. Since i had the emergency funds, though, that didn’t seem right.”
You chose to pay for the suit yourself.
You can either be more honest with your relatives and explain your finances or choose to eat the cost of trying to fit in due to their pressure.
One last thought, could you have borrowed a suit from a relative? Sounds like you have relatives that probably have spare suit or two in their closets.
Jim
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As an Army Officer, as in many other professions, I have not only the family functions mentioned here, but also the “mandatory fun” social events requiring a uniform I must purchase and maintain on my own. Before I continue: this is not a complaint, and I knew this going into the Profession, to me it’s the price of doing what I do. That said, there are times that I’ve had to resort to a credit card, other times I’ve had to skip out on the “mandatory fun” and face the consequences. A friend of mine is in Iraq. When he returns, he’s getting married and I am to be the best man. He’s getting married in mess dress, which is a $600 uniform. It’s custom tailored, as it is a tuxedo style outfit, so can’t really rent it or find it bargain (but it looks really cool). Right now, I’ve been setting money aside in anticipation of the event. I know I’ll need the cash for the uniform, and my wife may very well need a dress for it too. So, between that, the celebrations surrounding it and the gifts, I expect I’ll be out a handsome sum. At this point, the money saved up will have to suffice, once it’s gone, it’s gone. Granted, I’ll have a great uniform to wear three or four times a year, but the initial outlay of cash does take a bite out of me. Some folks aren’t fortunate enough to have a year’s notice to begin saving.
I’d save when possible in preparation for it. Plus, being totally up front and honest with folks about what one can and cannot afford is crucial, especially in family functions.
But…these are invariably family functions. We only live once, why bow out when other means of attending are available? Be honest, tell family why you can’t go and see if anyone is willing to pony up money or clothes or a room, or whatever is needed. Don’t let something like this rob you of an irreplacable moment. Life’s too short for that.
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VERY interesting comments on this post!
We had a similar problem at my husband’s first Company Christmas Party/dinner… it was at some *super elite* club on the top level of some important building in Raleigh… (and we had all the same problems as Allen– we didn’t know what “governor’s club” meant as far as attire…)
We found out 25 min before from a co-worker that got turned away because he didn’t have a coat (just nice slacks, shirt and tie)… neither did my DH!
SO…We stopped by Penny’s on the way to the event, purchased a sports coat, and i ever so gingerly removed the tags… Hubby wore the coat to get into the “club”, and then LIKE ALL THE MEN THERE (except the over-the-top President in a TUX) left his coat on the chair for the ENTIRE night…
I returned the coat a few days later… I know– TERRIBLE! but (esp at that time) we just didn’t have $100 in our budget for a once a year coat.
The following year the event was at the same place, but since we now KNEW the expectations well in advance, I picked up a VERY nice sports coat for hubby at a thrift store for $5. It ALSO sat on the chair all night! :p
as for gifts for bday parties, xmas and the like, I REALLY like Violent Acres take on the subject! (read it here http://www.violentacres.com/archives/366/more-gift-givining-and-the-last-psychiatrist )
We already decline to participate in gift-giving for Xmas, b-days etc. and explain to friends and family alike that their “presence is our present” but I LOVE LOVE LOVE V.A.’s suggestion to have parties for kids, and “casually forget to mention it’s her birthday in the invitation” …. this is something we’ll DEFINITELY be doing with our kids…. sharing time with PEOPLE, and NOT the accumulation of crap, is something we wish to instill in our little buggers…
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I don’t think that anyone ‘expects’ others to spend money they don’t have on their wedding. I am getting married next year in Sydney, and we’re inviting about 40 people from the UK. So far quite a few people have said they won’t be able to come because of the expense, and I totally understand that, we’d love it if all could make it, but know that some won’t be able to. I would never begrudge anyone for not spending that amount of money on my wedding day! That said, a lot of people on this post seem to take it personally that they have been invited to expensive events, which i find a little bit strange. Personally, I’m delighted to be invited to other people’s special events!
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There is freedom in just saying no.
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The real issue is that weddings have gotten over produced, and really over the top so naturally the attire to these lavish affairs will be expensive. Many families feel they have to keep up with the Jones’ and don’t want to host a very modest wedding with under 100 guests. Also, who said, (besides Tiffanys) that an engagement ring has to be equal to three months of the groom’s salary? What is that all about?
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Who said that a diamond engagement ring is a requirement?
That started with a DeBeers campaign in the 20′s (if I remember my media history class accurately)
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I know this is an old thread, but I can’t resist chiming in.
I balk at the idea of fancy clothes, etc being “obligatory” expenses. For God’s sake, it’s just clothes! The last wedding I went to, the only people who dressed up for it were the grooms. If anyone tried to keep one of my loved ones from attending my wedding because their clothes weren’t “good enough”, I’d have their head on a plate… I don’t care if they’re wearing pajamas!
I have friends and future in-laws who I know struggle to make the utility payments. Do I say to them, “No, you can’t share this incredibly special moment with me unless you’re willing to shell out – sorry, but you should have thought of that before you decided to be poor”? That’s crazy! We should want the people we love to be with us on these occasions and we should put as few barriers in front of them as possible. If having everyone at your wedding “appropriately” dressed is more important to you than having everyone you love at your wedding, well, I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.
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Chiming in late, also.
Allen, my sympathies. You seem to be well-spoken, fortunate in family affections, and YES, thoughtful – thoughtful both in terms of “thinking of others” and “trying to plan ahead.”
Allen has pointed out repeatedly that he thought he HAD planned properly for dressing for a wedding – he had a sport jacket, tie, etc., that had passed muster on not one, but TWO previous occasions, reinforcing his expectation that his choice was appropriate.
The problem was the “country club” part of the description, and Allen had a lot of help falling down on this one. People who do not go to country clubs may very well have some vague idea of “sports events” – tennis, perhaps horseback riding, etc., croquet, for all I know, taking place there. Didn’t Allen’s mother know that he didn’t frequent country clubs? His cousin gets a 50% pass on the grounds of “preoccupied with wedding” and “false but common assumption that other people know the same things you do”, because it truly would have been more thoughtful to specify exactly what was needed. And Allen is, in fact, trying to find out what is appropriate for the other strata of society and events he may encounter. I would suggest googling the author John Molloy, who has books on both appropriate clothing for men (and women) in business and social situations, and appropriate social behaviour. Since you apparently opted for brown, and since you are obviously quite observant, I don’t feel bad suggesting that you add another suit to your wardrobe, in either navy, dark grey, or black. These particular colours are more appropriate for many business and social occasions than brown is, and being forewarned, you can now save for them. I would also suggest you may very well want to save for a tux of your own, so that you will never ever be surprised by the need for it. It should last you a lifetime, and it will amortize over that. And any time you are faced with a brand-new social situation, you can google the dickens out of it to make certain what the appropriate wear and behaviour is. And if it’s a wedding, you can also ask the bride.
I’ve had to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am struggling to get by. As someone who is single, divorced, over 50, and broke, I no longer contribute to the unending birthdays, engagements, baby showers, etc., at work unless it’s for someone who really IS someone I want to give to. I will not be having children, and the last time I gave for a wedding, I found myself very bitter at contributing a LOT of money out of my tiny surival budget for a gift for a perfectly nice attorney, who was marrying another attorney. I did it because it was public, and I felt pressured – and I felt really bitter that I was paying money I couldn’t afford for something to celebrate for someone else when I was struggling with depression, for someone younger than I am, who is much better off financially, and who will continue to get richer as I get poorer. No more – not if I can help it.
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@La BellaDonna:
Thank you for your well thought, and well stated, comment. With my only sister’s engagement only a week old, these thoughts have begun to percolate in my noggin, and i have already started putting aside a small amount of money each week for her gift.
Your comment on a tux reminds me of a statment that i can not place, “If you are going to wear a tux more then twice in your life, buy it.”
Your suggestions on authoritive commenters on socially appropriate wardobe are also appreciated, as this is a skill that is lacking in my middle-middleclass upbringing.
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I would politely decline. You don’t have to give an excuse. Also, for the past ten years I haven’t given any wedding gifts. I send a card and wish the couple the best of the best and tell them flat out that I don’t give wedding gifts, but I do give a nice five year anniversary gift. Tacky? maybe, but it’s saved me a lot of money in the long run.
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