Thank you for your well thought, and well stated, comment. With my only sister’s engagement only a week old, these thoughts have begun to percolate in my noggin, and i have already started putting aside a small amount of money each week for her gift.

Your comment on a tux reminds me of a statment that i can not place, “If you are going to wear a tux more then twice in your life, buy it.”

Your suggestions on authoritive commenters on socially appropriate wardobe are also appreciated, as this is a skill that is lacking in my middle-middleclass upbringing.

Allen, my sympathies. You seem to be well-spoken, fortunate in family affections, and YES, thoughtful – thoughtful both in terms of “thinking of others” and “trying to plan ahead.”

Allen has pointed out repeatedly that he thought he HAD planned properly for dressing for a wedding – he had a sport jacket, tie, etc., that had passed muster on not one, but TWO previous occasions, reinforcing his expectation that his choice was appropriate.

The problem was the “country club” part of the description, and Allen had a lot of help falling down on this one. People who do not go to country clubs may very well have some vague idea of “sports events” – tennis, perhaps horseback riding, etc., croquet, for all I know, taking place there. Didn’t Allen’s mother know that he didn’t frequent country clubs? His cousin gets a 50% pass on the grounds of “preoccupied with wedding” and “false but common assumption that other people know the same things you do”, because it truly would have been more thoughtful to specify exactly what was needed. And Allen is, in fact, trying to find out what is appropriate for the other strata of society and events he may encounter. I would suggest googling the author John Molloy, who has books on both appropriate clothing for men (and women) in business and social situations, and appropriate social behaviour. Since you apparently opted for brown, and since you are obviously quite observant, I don’t feel bad suggesting that you add another suit to your wardrobe, in either navy, dark grey, or black. These particular colours are more appropriate for many business and social occasions than brown is, and being forewarned, you can now save for them. I would also suggest you may very well want to save for a tux of your own, so that you will never ever be surprised by the need for it. It should last you a lifetime, and it will amortize over that. And any time you are faced with a brand-new social situation, you can google the dickens out of it to make certain what the appropriate wear and behaviour is. And if it’s a wedding, you can also ask the bride.

I’ve had to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am struggling to get by. As someone who is single, divorced, over 50, and broke, I no longer contribute to the unending birthdays, engagements, baby showers, etc., at work unless it’s for someone who really IS someone I want to give to. I will not be having children, and the last time I gave for a wedding, I found myself very bitter at contributing a LOT of money out of my tiny surival budget for a gift for a perfectly nice attorney, who was marrying another attorney. I did it because it was public, and I felt pressured – and I felt really bitter that I was paying money I couldn’t afford for something to celebrate for someone else when I was struggling with depression, for someone younger than I am, who is much better off financially, and who will continue to get richer as I get poorer. No more – not if I can help it.

I balk at the idea of fancy clothes, etc being “obligatory” expenses. For God’s sake, it’s just clothes! The last wedding I went to, the only people who dressed up for it were the grooms. If anyone tried to keep one of my loved ones from attending my wedding because their clothes weren’t “good enough”, I’d have their head on a plate… I don’t care if they’re wearing pajamas!

I have friends and future in-laws who I know struggle to make the utility payments. Do I say to them, “No, you can’t share this incredibly special moment with me unless you’re willing to shell out – sorry, but you should have thought of that before you decided to be poor”? That’s crazy! We should want the people we love to be with us on these occasions and we should put as few barriers in front of them as possible. If having everyone at your wedding “appropriately” dressed is more important to you than having everyone you love at your wedding, well, I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

That started with a DeBeers campaign in the 20′s (if I remember my media history class accurately)

We had a similar problem at my husband’s first Company Christmas Party/dinner… it was at some *super elite* club on the top level of some important building in Raleigh… (and we had all the same problems as Allen– we didn’t know what “governor’s club” meant as far as attire…)

We found out 25 min before from a co-worker that got turned away because he didn’t have a coat (just nice slacks, shirt and tie)… neither did my DH!

SO…We stopped by Penny’s on the way to the event, purchased a sports coat, and i ever so gingerly removed the tags… Hubby wore the coat to get into the “club”, and then LIKE ALL THE MEN THERE (except the over-the-top President in a TUX) left his coat on the chair for the ENTIRE night…

I returned the coat a few days later… I know– TERRIBLE! but (esp at that time) we just didn’t have $100 in our budget for a once a year coat.

The following year the event was at the same place, but since we now KNEW the expectations well in advance, I picked up a VERY nice sports coat for hubby at a thrift store for $5. It ALSO sat on the chair all night! :p

as for gifts for bday parties, xmas and the like, I REALLY like Violent Acres take on the subject! (read it here http://www.violentacres.com/archives/366/more-gift-givining-and-the-last-psychiatrist )

We already decline to participate in gift-giving for Xmas, b-days etc. and explain to friends and family alike that their “presence is our present” but I LOVE LOVE LOVE V.A.’s suggestion to have parties for kids, and “casually forget to mention it’s her birthday in the invitation” …. this is something we’ll DEFINITELY be doing with our kids…. sharing time with PEOPLE, and NOT the accumulation of crap, is something we wish to instill in our little buggers…

I’d save when possible in preparation for it. Plus, being totally up front and honest with folks about what one can and cannot afford is crucial, especially in family functions.

But…these are invariably family functions. We only live once, why bow out when other means of attending are available? Be honest, tell family why you can’t go and see if anyone is willing to pony up money or clothes or a room, or whatever is needed. Don’t let something like this rob you of an irreplacable moment. Life’s too short for that.

I’d chalk this one up to experience and put in in the emergency fund expenditure category. You chose to pay to buy a suit. You didn’t have to. Maybe you feel theres no option. If thats the truth that theres no option then I’m not sure what you want us to tell you.

The main advice I have for the future is to be more honest and open with your relatives about your finances. It sounds like they took it for granted you’d have a nice suit and that it wouldn’t be a problem to buy one. If they don’t know you can’t afford it then you need to tell them. When you mom said your suit wasn’t enough then did you explain you couldn’t afford to buy a new one?? I doubt it.

Honestly given this quote: “And in my aunt & uncle’s defense, if i had told them i could not have afforded cloths, i am sure they would have offered to paid for them. Since i had the emergency funds, though, that didn’t seem right.”

You chose to pay for the suit yourself.

You can either be more honest with your relatives and explain your finances or choose to eat the cost of trying to fit in due to their pressure.

One last thought, could you have borrowed a suit from a relative? Sounds like you have relatives that probably have spare suit or two in their closets.

Jim

Since I have a professional job, I’m set on the formal attire. My problem is I didn’t actually own a nice casual outfit, only workout clothes and swim trunks.

I now have a nice new pair of sandals, and a casual summer outfit, cost $120. Thanks for giving me the heads up that the requests on the invitation are important to pay attention to, Allen.

I am a young man, with no experience with weddings outside of 2 or three of my closest friends. What i had was appropriate for their weddings. I had no reason to think that what i had would NOT have been appropriate, given that i had no expectation as to what “country club” would mean.

Please, when you answer these, keep in mind that some of us haven’t been to a hundred weddings, that some of us do not have the social investment that would lead to a return that includes knowledge to call ahead.

Then shop more- or at least have a well rounded wardrobe that you didn’t pay full price for. There are tons of articles on what a woman’s wardrobe “must include” and I’m sure there are similar things for men. This doesn’t solve the problem if you are away from home, but it won’t hurt.

The third theme is stop being such a miser! Investing in relationships is good.

Sorry — sounds like very poor planning on his part. He should have thought a little bit about the venue for the wedding, and if he wasn’t sure about the dress code – he should have asked.

sorry pal – you failed to plan. You were out $300. With a little more foresight, you could have found some cheaper duds to wear to a family function.

And for those of you saying, “I can’t go, it’s too expensive” — well like an early poster said: Stop having family and friends. Live in a cave, grow your own food, knit your own clotes and become an extreme frugalist.

Family stuff sometimes costs money — but if you save up and/or plan, it doesn’t have to be a killer.

So, I’ve had to cancel on three good friends weddings in the past two years – I live in Calgary – one was in Vegas, one was in Vancouver and the other was in Ontario. Each of them would have cost me $1500 to go to; which was almost exactly what my one student loan was. Thanks to NOT going, my one student loan is paid off.

If they can’t understand that logic, there is nothing I can do to help them.

In leaner years especially, nobody should be ashamed to become the leaders or trendsetters in setting a new tone in social obligatory spending. You are only benefiting everyone if you are brave enough to send out the right signals, how we should all adjust & adapt accordingly, in face of economic hardship or windfall.

Social events should only act as lubricants, not abrasives.

For a cousin or other extended family member, I would never use the money excuse. It could be taken as a bit insulting if they are not really familiar with your financial situation, or even worse, they might feel you are asking them to pay for you. I’d simply send my regrets with a nice (affordable) gift and a sincere homemade card.

Its bullshit like.

Take it from me. One time I had a massive amount of money and I expected people to live up.Cocktail Parties etc. Dress up etc. Private tents. Horses at Ascot.

Guess what I lost all my money.Where were all these Cocktailers then. Not one of them even bothered to ring and see how I was doing.Bang “Poor old John ” down on his luck.

Red Card sent to the sin bin.

Then what! Made all the money back again. Guess what ya! all these cocktailers returned. ” You know John you got a good dose of reality and you bounced back ” ” Welcome back to the club” I went back to Cocktail world.

Then what Ya! Lost all my money again. Sin bin Red Card ” Poor old John down on his luck” Not one phone call even. Not even a lousy phone call.

Then what “made all the money back again ” Yea “Welcome back John to Cocktail world ”

Wait a second.Something wrong. Who are these people. Big lesson I did not know any of them. So I did a soul search. Boy sore thing.Big question “What contribution was I and these people making towards the good of other people ? ” Answer NOTHING.

That did it for me. I sought out people who are making CONTRIBUTIONS TO PEOPLE. Andrew Carnegie is right HE WHO DIES WEALTHY DIES IN DISGRACE. Use yourself to help people less fortunate than you and I do not mean just to give out of your abundance. Give. Can’t afford it! then give your time and leave these bullshitters to themselves.

You have better things to be attending to.

I know presidents, Consultants, Barristers, Lawyers, Engineers. But the dividing line is always the same. The ones who express love do not cause burdens for others why? because they are too busy trying to make a CONTRIBUTION OF GOOD to their fellow man.

Get involved in “something good” man. Say the SIMON community Help the homeless. The Samaritans who help people in distress. A.A.
Amnesty International. Anything. And get this bullshit out of your life for you.You are doing charity for you to protect yourself and at the same time you are making a difference to people’s lives.

Believe me you’ll find real good understanding friends in these caring organisations

John

One can say that “family is family”, but if it’s not a socially obligated situation, then there shouldn’t be all the stress over living up to the expectations described. In my family, we are very laid back, and don’t really have standards about what others wear and such. However, dh’s family is a bit more show-boaty (which is silly, because they uniformly have less money than my family does- but then I guess those things go hand in hand?), which makes us feel less comfortable about casually accepting invitations.

Just send a gift or a card that expresses your sincerest congratulations and best wishes. They will appreciate it more.

I have a couple of Pampered Chef items that are The Best Kitchen Items Ever. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.