Drama in Real Life: Caring for a Parent in Crisis Print
Thursday, 31st July 2008 (by J.D.)This article is about Health & Fitness, Insurance, Planning, Real-Life, Relationships
My mother is in the hospital. Her health, which had been deteriorating lately, took a turn for the worse over the weekend. On Tuesday, she was admitted to a local hospital, where she’s likely to remain for a week (or more).
My brothers and I have been sorting through mom’s financial documents, trying to piece together a complete picture. It’s difficult. If she had used Quicken, the job would be relatively easy, but she’s Old School, and does everything by hand.
We’ve begun to realize there are a lot of unanswered questions.
- What are mom’s finances like? How much does she owe and to whom? How much has she saved? Fortunately, we’ve been able to answer this to some degree. She does have some savings (though we’re unsure if it will be enough to cover her medical expenses), and she receives regular “passive income” from the box factory.
- What is her health insurance like? Mom is covered through the family business, and has the same health insurance as the employees. We know how this works for routine things, but what is it like for extended hospital stays? We need to find out.
- How will she live in the future? Will she need live-in care? Will she need to move in with one of the family? This is a huge question, and one that we’ll be wrestling with over the coming months.
- What preparations need to be made in the case of mom’s death or incapacitation? The time to create a will or to draft a power of attorney is before a problem occurs, not after. We see that now.
As I ferried mom from doctor to hospital on Tuesday, these questions never entered my mind. I was focused on her health, on getting her help. In situations like this, money is not an issue.
But we all know that money is an issue eventually. The vagaries of mom’s insurance and her savings will have a huge impact, not just on her but on the entire family. This is a financial puzzle that we must all work together to solve.
Ironically, it was my father who seems to have planned the best for this situation. As he was dying from cancer in 1995, he explained his vision for the box factory. “I’m leaving the business to provide for all of you,” he said. “It’s going to give jobs to you boys, but it’s going to to be even more valuable for your mother. She doesn’t have any retirement savings. This is her retirement.”
Mom will survive this crisis, and we’ll move into the murky future. Obviously, her recovery is my primary focus right now. Get Rich Slowly is important, but family more so. I am distracted (and have been for the past week).
Starting Sunday, a number of great writers will be stepping to the plate to pinch hit for me. I’ll be back full time as soon as possible.

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July 31st, 2008 at 5:21 am
I am very sad to hear about your mother and it’s very important that you be with her. I mentioned when we met in San Francisco that I had changed a lot of my blogging focus due to health issues with my wife so I know that this is a stressful and difficult time.
It’s sad to say, but one of the reasons I’m in Japan is due to healthcare costs. There are other circumstances as well, but that is definitely a major one. After living in several countries that provide universal health care, it really is a disappointment the way the US healthcare system is run and that the cost of healthcare should even be a concern in a situation like this. I could go on a long rant about this, but will save that for later.
I hope that you are able to take the time you need to be with her and that everything works out as well as it can. Take the time you need to go through those issues and find the best answers for them. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:23 am
J.D.–I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s deteriorating health. My mom is also facing some health issues, and while we focus on her health and getting her from one milestone to the next, it is difficult not to address financial repercussions.
Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers in the coming days. I think I speak for most of your readers when I say take whatever time you need to care for your family–we’ll be here waiting when you get back!
July 31st, 2008 at 5:25 am
I really wish the best for a speedy recovery for your Mother and for time for your family to support her. Your willingness to disclose the financial impact of such personal situations is one of the reasons that I read your blog so faithfully.
While it is not health-related, I am facing some decisions about how to help my parents out of a possible foreclosure. For my parents, it’s embarrassing to admit to their children that they are facing financial difficulties and accept help. For me, it’s a bit scary to admit that I’m in a position to care for my parents.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:40 am
Thoughts go out to you and your family. I hope all goes well with your mom.
My husband and I both have wills, written for us by my dad, the attorney, who ironically enough has not updated his and my mom’s since before I was born. I think a lot of the disorganization and procrastination stems from a refusal to contemplate the inevitable. At least with my dad.
Good luck to you.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:56 am
I do hope your mother gets better. Remember to take care of yourselves too.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:18 am
I hope all your mother recovers quickly.
Your post makes me think about what steps should be done to keep a record of what assets and bills a person has.
I use Quicken, but it’s password protected and it’s on my password protected laptop. Even if a person could access Quicken, I’m not entirely sure that all of the account numbers and passwords he or she would need would be listed there.
Also, I pay most of my bills online and usually pay them (after receiving an emailed bill) by going to each utility or billing company’s website, logging in and authorizing the payment from my bank.
I’m the only person that knows my email login information and the login information for the websites where I go to pay the bills.
I wouldn’t want my loved ones to struggle to figure out my finances if something happened to me, but also don’t want to give up my passwords unless it’s needed.
What do others do to make their information available in case of emergency, but safe if all is well?
July 31st, 2008 at 6:29 am
JD, I hope your mom makes a swift & full recovery.
For years I’ve always had a sub-file titled “important documents” in my easily-accessible filing cabinet. It contains SSNs, a list of bank accounts with addresses and account numbers, birth & marriage certificates, and all the things I think my family would need in the event I become incapacitated. As I move to online bill payment & account statements, I wonder how this will translate. How would my husband or my sisters be able to locate all the important information?
Also, may I recommend the Five Wishes for those whose thoughts on this post turn to living wills? This is an outstanding document that helps you write out a rationale for your preferences, and will provide more support for your decisionmakers than a simple statement “pull the plug.” To find more information, Google Five Wishes.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:35 am
Along with all the readers of your blog, I wish your mother a full and swift recovery.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:48 am
I hope your mother is back to herself soon. And you reminded me…I REALLY need to get things in order for my husband. I do all the finances, and he doesn’t have much a clue where everything is! I’m only 30, so odds are that I’m not going to leave this earth soon, but it would be horrible for him if I did and he had no idea what to do with the money.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:52 am
My sincere best wishes to you and your family in this crisis. I hope your mother’s health improves soon. As you say, that is the most important thing. We plan and save and strategize with our finances so that when these crises happen, we can focus on the health and family aspects, rather than the financial. Good luck, and as Celina says, remember to take care of yourself, too.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:56 am
Best wishes to you and your family.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:02 am
Nothing is more important than spending time with your mom right now. Nothing. Take care of her, yourself, and your brothers. We hope to hear from you soon, but completely understand any absenses. Don’t worry about us, we have our emergency funds and your good advice in our brains, we’ll be fine.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:06 am
JD- Thinking of you and your family. Wishing your mom continued health and recovery.
We’ll miss you, but know that family and health- like you said- is way more important.
Take care.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:08 am
Well wishes during this scary time.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:09 am
My thoughts and prayers are with your family JD. Take all the time you need.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:27 am
JD - take all the time you need. Here’s hoping for the best for your mom, and the rest of your family.
Unfortunately, it often takes a shock like this to spur us to take account of our records: when my co-worker’s brother passed away suddenly a couple of months ago (he was only 47), the ensuing mess she had to (and continues to) deal with as de-facto executor of his estate made me really think about what would be waiting for my family if I were incapacitated or worse: A pile of papers. I’ve been working on getting everything in order since then. It’s tough to think about, but leaving everything organized can help those who are left to sort things out, and we can never anticipate what will happen.
I do have some of the same questions as Ann: I’m still not sure how best to share things like passwords with my husband in such a way that they’re safe from everyone else, but accessible for him if the need would arise. Of course we don’t expect you to post on this any time soon, but hopefully when things have calmed down it would be a good topic to explore.
Take care.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:28 am
JD-
I hope that your mom has a speedy recovery.
Family comes first, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too. The sick cannot help the sick.
Best wishes to you and your family. You’ll be in our thoughts and prayers.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:34 am
Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers in the coming days. Family is more important. I wish a speedy recovery.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:35 am
I wish you mom a speedy recovery. Nothing is more important than family. We are all thinking about you.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:40 am
JD,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother and I wish you all the best at this time; I went through something very similar - in my teens, I nursed my mother through her illness, and eventual death, from cancer.
I hope that your mother recovers soon, and fully; just remember to take care of yourself, so you’ll be able to be there for her and your family….
Like the reader above, I believe there is NOTHING more important than being with her at this time. In my own case, it broke my heart, but I wouldn’t trade the experience of being with my mother through it all for anything.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:52 am
I wish your mother a speedy recovery. I’ve actually been trying to “shore up” my parents financially in the event that something similar happens to them.
This article definitely hit home.
Best Wishes!
-HIB
July 31st, 2008 at 7:54 am
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I had been support to my mom over the last 9 years as my father battled with Parkinson’s. Dad went home in June. His job done here. In the mean time I have moved back to the city where I grew up, something I thought I would never do. And finances have been a big thing as we now look to take care of mom. As your dad did, the farm will is mom’s retirement. So in short. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Ask lots of questions, network. You will do fine.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:57 am
JD,
Please relax, and take time [away from the site] to be with your mother and family. When it boils down, life is all about family and friends, everything else can wait.
Thanks for all the advice, take care JD!
July 31st, 2008 at 8:08 am
JD, best wishes to your mom and family.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:16 am
Your family will be in my best wishes. I hope your mother recovers quickly!
I understand the craziness that can surround taking care of an ill family member. This past year has been the first time in my entire 28 years of life where my parents (and me, as I’ve gotten older) weren’t taking care of *someone*. If you’ve got multiple siblings, it can be helpful to designate someone as the primary contact for everything, especially when there’s hospital staff involved. It’s much easier for them to know who to talk to and much easier because one person will get all the details and be able to disseminate them than it is for multiple people to all have little pieces of the puzzle and have to put it all together. If someone has POA, it should probably be that person. Actually, getting a POA in place is probably a good idea, just in case.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
JD,
I have a widowed mother who was diagnosed with stage III ovarian cancer earlier this year, so I can somewhat relate.
Her overall health is stronger, so she’s still looking at the bills. My brother is on her checking accounts with her, so that helps with access. But the health insurance is still scary.
From what I’ve been told so far (and who knows if this is the full picture), the health insurance has paid all but $1250. We were able to help her with the $4 prescriptions as much as possible and the really expensive cancer drug, she was able to petition the drug company to cover it for her because she has no prescription coverage. All of us did help her with that sort of thing, shopping around, letting her know to ask the doctor, etc. (She wouldn’t have done that on her own). The expensive drug runs $400 every time she has chemo (every three weeks).
July 31st, 2008 at 8:34 am
I really like your site. I feel sad that such situations happen. Take good care of your mum and be there for her. Take care of yourself too. I guess we can’t really help much but give mental support. We will still be around. We will wait for you to come back.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:46 am
Best wishes to your mom.
Events like this only reinforces the need for health and life insurance. As I’m currently living in a 3rd world country (e.g Philippines), I wonder if moving to another country with great universal healthcare (e.g canada,new zealand, paris) will probably help me erase from my mind future events like this. Dad’s got a hearth problem, same as mom. Obcourse, we don’t want our entire savings to disappear in a split second..oh well…
Sam
Fix My Personal Finance
http://fixmypersonalfinance.com
July 31st, 2008 at 8:48 am
Best wishes to you and your family.
-Jessica
July 31st, 2008 at 8:49 am
It is a stressful time for all of you right now. Take care of you mother and yourselves.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:06 am
Take care and do what you need for your family.
That being said, I’ve been in your shoes with my own mom. Here are some of the steps I took:
1) Compiled a list of all of her accounts, assets and debts.
2) Understood when bills were due and made arrangements for them to be covered.
3) Gathered up important documents: Will, trust, investment account details, insurance, etc.
4) Made sure that I had access, either through a power of attorney or through direct consent.
Good luck. This can be a very stressful time.
Randy@FiscalZen
July 31st, 2008 at 9:20 am
Good luck to you and your Mom. We will pray for her speedy recovery.
Take care.
Chetan
July 31st, 2008 at 9:29 am
Best wishes for your entire family. I hope your mom is doing better soon.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:44 am
J.D.–I wish your mother a good prognosis and speedy recovery.
I would like to say to everyone else, however, that one thing to watch out for–in the midst of grieving over a lost loved one–is SCAMMERS. It is sad to say that there are such low-life creeps out there, but there are, and they will not hesitate to scan the obituaries, look up the phone numbers of the immediate family, and call claiming to be creditors.
If you are unfortunate enough to lose someone close to you, please do not, in the midst of your grief, allow someone to scam you with such a call. If they are a legitimate creditor, tell them to send an invoice–they should already have the address if they’re legit!
This happened to my sister-in-law last year after my brother passed away from a heart attack. I’ve also recently lost a sister to ovarian cancer not quite two weeks ago, and I’ve warned her husband about my SIL’s experience as well. Please don’t let your grief blind you to the danger of being scammed–sadly, there are such vermin out there who will not hesitate to take advantage of you, given the opportunity.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:59 am
JD - I hope your mother makes a speedy recovery and that you and the family are able to make the most of this time with her.
Last December we made a will for the first time (we’re in our 40’s). We had been requested to appear as witnesses in a courtcase the other side of the mountains from where we live. I did not like the prospect of leaving our 3 children for 2 days and travelling through the pass in the depths of winter. If anything happened to us I wanted to be sure they would be taken care of (we are expats with all relatives in Europe). We also gave each other Power of Attorney.
Later I discovered that my parents had only just made a will of their own too.It surprised me, but perhaps this is common practice for their generation.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:46 am
“how to protect online accounts/passwords while still sharing them”
on my mac, i created an password-protected disk image and in that image is stored the “Important Documents” text file. the password to open the disk image is one known to people who need to know, and the disk image each night gets copied across my local network to those peoples’ machines.
in effect, everybody who needs a copy of the document which contains the keys to everything “online”, is always up-to-date and sitting on their machines.
i’m sure a similar method could be used in the windows world.
-david
July 31st, 2008 at 11:01 am
So sorry to hear about your mother’s health. I hope she has a speedy recovery.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:06 am
Best of luck to you and your family!
July 31st, 2008 at 11:26 am
Hope your mom gets better and that you can work everything out. I think I speak for everyone when I say take your time and do what needs to be done.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am
Having gone through much the same thing with both of my parents, I understand the difficulties and your frustrations.
All the best in your planning and especially toward your mother’s health.
PS, my mother was either very unmindful with her bills, or was intentionally stashing them in very odd places. When I first jumped into her finances, I found statements and bills mixed with the kitchen linens, with cereal boxes, etc. So, a thorough search of the house would not be unwarranted.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:39 am
JD, I pray your family will pull through this situation.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am
JD- let me add my wishes to the others for your mother’s recovery.
As to the other’s question about enabling access to accounts and passwords in the event of your incapacitation. I’m the US Submarine Force (hence the handle) and I have to worry about this everytime I deploy. The bills, my wife already has a handle on but my investment accounts and such she doesn’t have day to day interaction with. What we have worked out over the years is a document that we continuously update with all of our account numbers, statements and logins and passwords. We keep a copy encrypted in our computer and a hard copy in our fire safe with all of our important documents. I have also created a document that explains to her what all of my death benefits are and what she has to do to get what she is intitled to. It seemed a bit macabre when I first started out, but I want to make sure that she is taken care of if anything happens.
I also have a copy stored with my parents in case of complete house destruction.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
First of all, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They mean a lot to me.
Second, I apologize for being vague about her condition. It’s her wishes. It’s not life-threatening in a hospital environment, but she’s still suffering. The staff is doing the best they can for her, but last night was rough. I talked to her this morning, and she sounded as if she had not slept in weeks.
Finally, I love the discussion here about how to make info available to loved ones in the case of emergency. Kris and I are actually dealing with this right now with regards to the blog/business. “What if something happened to you,” she says. “How would I let people know?” So, we’re working that out. Also, I keep multiple-levels of passwords: low-security, medium-security, high-security. MANY people know my low-security password, but not even Kris knows my high-security password. I need to find a way to make sure she’d know it if I died.
Also, I recently received a life organizer in the mail from a fellow who wants me to review it. I keep putting it off. Maybe now is a good time to use it.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Good to hear that things with your mom are not life threatening! I hope she gets relief soon. in the meantine, she’s very fortunate to have you — someone one in a good position to help her — partly because of the good focus you’ve put on your own physical and financial health, and also because you’re able to control your own time to an extent that isn’t always available to most workers.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Good luck…I wish your mom a speedy recovery.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Take care, JD! My thoughts are with you and your mom and the rest of your family.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
JD: Wishing your mum and your family the best.
This is a reminder that with aging parents it is time to have “that talk” about power of atty, and their wishes if their health is compromised, all acct information etc. I’m grateful my parents have this set up.
I certainly hope the proper insurance information was shared with the hospital. That will alleviate some potential problems. (Depending on her plan, you may want to follow up with the plan and verify they’ve been notified of the stay and she is being case managed. Speaking with case mgmt is also beneficial if she will be transferred elsewhere for rehab, or get home health care or PT or the like. It is just another way to be involved in your mum’s treatment plan).
I am sorry your mum is suffering. Please take good care of her and yourself.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
God’s speed on your mother’s fast recovery!!
July 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
JD - Sorry to hear about your Mom, and hopes for a speedy recovery for her.
Like SubHuman, The hubby and I being ex-Army have had our system in place since the day we married.
Very similar, a simple document containing accounts and assests, with address and pertinent information (including webaddresses, log-ins and passwords). Simple directions on how the bills are managed. Scanned copies of Birth certificates, marriage licenses, copy of our will, a power of attorney (right now assigned to MIL).
We also keep hard copies of everything in a locked firebox and give the second set of keys to my MIL. She knows where the box is located and can open it if it is ever needed. But this also safeguards our accounts until that time.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
i hope you mom gets well and that things get sorted out.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Hi, I’m very sorry to hear about your mom’s health problems–I hope she is doing better soon….My mom is 79, so we kind of went through this already. After two or three health crises, we realized that she couldn’t live by herself any more. The hospital gave us a book of nursing homes and assisted living places. We decided that we’d prefer to have someone come in to help her at home, as she refused to live with my brother or me. But we found out that at-home care can be $2,000 to $3,000 a month, and she would still be alone sometimes.
So we checked out the assisted living places. We didn’t really know much about them, but we found one in my rural area that was much cheaper than the ones in the city where she lived (not that cheaper is better, but when you’re spending thousands a month, you do need to consider it.
We promised my mom that we wouldn’t sell the house until we were sure she was ok with the assisted living place, in case she wanted to come back home and try the at-home care instead.
Well, my mom LOVES her assisted living. We were so afraid that it would be like a nursing home, but it’s truly not! She has her own apartment, she has her cat, she can have guests any time and overnight, and she can come and go as she pleases. And she also has other residents to talk to, people checking on her 3 times a day, 3 meals a day, and all of her housework is done for her. There is a nurse on staff, and Mom checks in with the nurse every month.
Despite our fears, it’s really been the best of both worlds–my mom still has her “own place” but she has all the help she needs. (They would even take her to her Dr. appts, but I prefer to do that, so that I know and understand what the doctor says).
All of this wouldn’t have been possible, though, without my dad planning for the future–in addition to her Social Security, she gets a pension from my dad’s work (he passed in 1987) and any shortfall is made up from life insurance from my dad and the money she got when we sold her house.
But when she started having health problems, we wound up just collecting her mail for a month to see what statements came, and what bills came. Fortunately she wasn’t in debt. And fortunate also, that she had had the foresight to assign my brother and I joint powers of attorney so that we could take care of it all.
I’ll say a prayer for your mom, that things will improve quickly.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
So sorry about your mother. There are lots of people with you in this situation, unfortunately.
The main things to remember are:
1)It’s a marathon, not a sprint AND
2)The US healthcare system is horrible
The New York Times just started a blog about this phase of life, called “The New Old Age,” and it’s great. See:
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/
July 31st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
My mother was in extremely bad shape last year (heart failure), but an operation, motivated doctors and the loving attention of the family got her back on her feet, against all odds.
I hope your mother will recover better and faster than anyone can imagine.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I’m very sorry to hear about your mom. I hope the doctors can help her reach some level of comfort soon, so she can rest.
I’ve been reading your blogs for some time now, and they’ve really helped me and my family tremendously. All of this discussion has got me started in thinking of tracking our online accounts on paper, since we haven’t done that, yet.
I just remember the nightmare my mom and aunt had when my grandmother passed away. Sure, everything was on paper, but my grandmother went through several years of dementia. She lived at home with a full-time nurse up until she died, but that still didn’t stop her from taking all of her stock certificates and other financial documents and burning them up in the basement furnace (it may have been an old incinerator?). Anyway, I just found several entries for her name in our state’s unclaimed property list last week. Hopefully, it will be one final blessing from my grandmother to my mom and aunt, who are now about to retire!
July 31st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Hi ‘
Hope all goes well with your mom.
Just wanted to let you know about a book I came across and got from the library, “Get it together : organize your records so your family won’t have to / by Melanie Cullen ” It’s a kind of workbook to help you organize your records and other info. Comes with a CD with forms to help you organize. I haven’t looked at the cd yet but a cursory review of the book shows it has a pretty big scope of the info your family could use, personal and financial. Pretty extensive .Some things I hadn’t thought of.
I’m already pretty organized, use Quicken and pretty organized files and spreadsheets, but being a 59 year old widow I thought I should see if there are any improvements I could use in my organization or anything missing. I looked around for sites and books that might help, came across what looked like some good books but this was the only one at the library and seems pretty good.
I think it’s worth taking a look at in the library or book store. If I were not already pretty organized I think I would buy it, but taking it out from library for a while will do the trick for me. Amazon has it if you want to see more info re it.
Again, hope your mom is ok, and be well yourself.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Hey man,
I’m praying for you and your mom. Hope all will be well soon. And, thanks for writing about your situation. It’s posts like these that get us all thinking…
Rock on,
NCN
July 31st, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Sorry to her about your mother. I hope she recovers soon.
Jim
July 31st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
JD, that is terrible news. Take all the time you need. I’m wishing your mum a speedy recovery and that things will sort themselves out afterwards.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Hi JD,
Sorry to hear about your mom. I am a dedicated reader since I found you site a few months ago. I am a nurse and I deal with families and patients on a daily basis. Since your mother is hopefully well enough to make her wishes known, now is an important time to determine her finances as well as future decisions for her health care. A few things that I discuss with families are health care power of attorney(person designated for medical decisions), living will, medicare/medicaid in addition to private insurance, life/long term care insurance. I’m sure any care manager or nurse can provide you with some of this information. I hope for your mom’s speedy recovery and thanks again for such a motivational site.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I’m toying with the idea of handing most of my assets over to a trust. My grandmother was ill-prepared for the financial realities of her battle with cancer, and it resulted in our family’s cottage having to be sold to settle the estate. If she’d assigned some of those assets to a family trust, there’d be one less home for sale right now.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I so admire you and your family for the support you are providing to your mother now and are preparing to provide in the future. Sending caring thoughts to you all from Texas.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I hope your mother gets better soon.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I know exactly what you are going through and dealing with and my heart goes out to you. Long term care insurance is something that needs to be talked about more on this forum. while lots of negative stuff has been said about this coverage in the press there are some excellent companies and policies out there. we talk about getting rich slowly but paying for long term care will wipe out a family’s finances as quickly as anything. nobody wants to think about it but we need to prepare to live a long life and long term care planning is a necessary component to a well thought out financial plan.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Hi, JD -
Let me echo the well wishes above. From personal experience, I also wanted to add a few things that I wish I’d known as my godmother declined in health and died, and as I helped my disabled brother (Huntington’s disease) deal with the untimely death of his wife.
They aren’t necessarily directed to your situation, of course, but I learned every single one of them the hard way and hope someone can learn from my mistakes.
1. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Especially when others are counting on you, you cannot ignore your own needs - for space and time as well as sufficient sleep, food, financial security, etc.
2. Accept help from the legitimate sources around you. Make a list of genuine things that need doing - but that don’t put you or your family at risk. Categorize them (for yourself) as either one-time or recurring chores. If you aren’t sure of someone (i.e., a neighbor that knew your brother in law’s wife, but you don’t know from Adam), give them something off that list. Make sure you check to see how long they are willing to do whatever it is.
3. If you become responsible for another person medically, financially, or emotionally, take notes. LOTS and lots of notes. Carry a notebook with you everywhere. Write down questions for doctors, social workers, the gas company. Write down the answers you receive, who gave that answer to you, and when you got it.
4. Follow up, in writing if possible. After my brother’s wife died, he and I physically went to the bank and spent about two hours dealing with an account with a negative balance that needed to be closed. After being assured that no further activity would be recorded on the account - you guessed it, his social security check was deposited into it by accident. Meaning it disappeared and all of a sudden, we didn’t have rent.
5. If the person you are caring for is mentally competent, accept that you are not in charge. Decide whether and how you can deal with watching them make decisions you think are unhealthy or dangerous. If there is a limit to how far you will go to help the person, tell them that up front - kindly and *clearly*. When people are sick and scared, they hear what they want to hear.
Best,
Mimms
July 31st, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Gosh, I’m sorry to hear your mom is ill. Hope she recovers fully and is soon back on her feet.
You’ll probably never get her to use Quicken unless you go over to her place once a week and enter stuff for her. SDXB tried with his mom…she got pretty good at playing casino games online, but Quicken? Naaah!
The medical system in this country is so scary. It’s one of the things I worry about most when I consider the end of my own life: how on earth is my son going to negotiate the nightmarish medical labyrinth and also hold a job? When my mother was dying, almost all of my time and my husband’s was occupied with fighting the medical bureaucracy — to such an extreme that I never had any time just to be with her. I was too busy doing battle to have any time or energy left to try to comfort her. Not that she could be comforted, given the brutally bad care she got.
The person who is to be the executor of one’s will ought to be given all the relevant passwords, a list that should be updated as they’re changed.
Another thing, too, I guess, sadly: as you go through the experience of caring for a parent, you see the things you can do to simplify life for your own kids when you’re nearing the end of your life:
* Get long-term care insurance.
* Be sure your health insurance covers as much as you can possibly afford. Don’t skimp on Medigap and prescription coverage.
* Move yourself into a life-care community (which is NOT a nursing home) as soon as you begin to sense you may not be able to care for your home much longer.
* Declutter your living quarters while you’re still competent to do so, and keep the place decluttered.
* Make a good will and appoint an executor.
* Make a living will and be sure every doctor you deal with has it, as well as several of your relatives or friends.
* Provide a trusted friend or relative with a medical power of attorney; be sure this person knows your wishes and has a copy of your living will.
It’s never too soon to do set these things in place.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:33 pm
thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom JD..
August 1st, 2008 at 4:32 am
Hoping your mom will have a speedy recovery and more comfort in the days to come! Ditto to all the above posters who say to take care of yourself, too.
I had the beginnings of this experience last year when I needed to pay some bills for my mom…and got the SHOCK of my life when I realized what she owed and how she was managing her money. That really drove me to the Total Money Makeover book, which then drove me to do the same with my own finances. It was a blessing in disguise.
Though she’s beginning to get a handle on things her “filing system” has a lot to be desired. At least I partially understand it now.
Your post is a great reminder to help her/help me get an even better handle on things.
Blessings to you and your family.
August 1st, 2008 at 4:49 am
It never hurts to have a bit of good luck when dealing with a crisis, so I hope you get more than your fair share. You sound like you’ve actually got a reasonable handle on most of the practicalities, and as your mum’s condition improves you’ll have more time and energy to focus on the other things.
I’m looking forward to seeing which great writers you’ve managed to round up to help you out.
August 1st, 2008 at 5:27 am
Aw, I’m sorry you’re mom isn’t feeling well. I hope her hospital stay is brief, as I’m sure she’s anxious to get out of there. I also hope that things go smoothly on your end trying to figure all of those things out. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:56 am
I was wondering “why on earth are you thinking of finances now” when I started reading this post.
Until I saw that you were, most rightly, focussed on your Mum’s health.
I pray that she’ll get well. The other issues can be sorted out soon enough.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Having just buried my mother yesterday after her struggle with cancer, I can sympathize with you. I ended up staying with my mom while taking leave from work. Family is the most important thing - you will never regret spending more time with your mom and family. Best wishes.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I hope that your family and mom especially find health and emotional wealth throughout your upcoming journey. Many of us face the prospect of taking care of our parents and potentially children as well.
My dad had surgery recently, prompting my parents to give my older brother the rights to make health decisions if needed. We have been pushing mom to give us a list of her bills and finances. I think we’ve just scratched the surface. We’ll pray for your mom and start our family’s plan for emergencies. thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
JD-
I too hope everything goes well. My Mom just had her last chemo treatment a couple weeks ago, and my Dad passed a way in 2007. It can be tough sometimes but reading both your blogs helps me make sure I stay in good health and financial shape which are both things my parents have had trouble with their entire lives. Your blogs help me a lot. Thanks.
I will pray for you/your mom/your family as well.
-Danny
August 3rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
JD, I just heard from reading on Cash Money Life. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Best wishes for your mom and everyone in the family.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Sorry to hear about your family situation. I hope that everything works out for you. Let us know if there is anything we can do.
August 4th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Dear J.D.,
My heart goes out to you. I too have been dealing with a similar situation with my Mother-in-law. It absorbs you and exhausts you. Best wishes to all.
August 4th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Here is an article by Jane Kramer in the New York Times that was very eye-opening regarding caring for elderly parents. “What I Wish I’d Done Differently” is the title, and it’s amazing/depressing that even the New York Times health guru made lots of mistakes.
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/07/what-i-wish-id-done-differently/
August 5th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Dear JD,
Best wishes to you, your mother and your family at this rough time. May I suggest that someone in the family be appointed the “medical bill scrutinizer” during and after her hospital stay? Hospitals notoriously overcharge for any darn thing one can think of. Also, many (hopefully most) hospitals will have someone on staff known as a “Patient Advocate” or some other similar title. They can come to her (your) aid in all sorts of ways.
All the best,
Hogan
August 5th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Thoughts and prayers are with your family.
My family is current experiencing this same crisis. My father is caring for his dad who suffered a stroke almost a year ago. My gpa’s in a long-term care facility but it’s a constant struggle to get adequate attention, care and proper treatment. Not to mention how draining it is on everyone’s physical and mental health.
Don’t neglect yourself in the midst of the crisis. Try and eat the same and consistently, exercise, meditation is wonderful and have some fun too.