My family is current experiencing this same crisis. My father is caring for his dad who suffered a stroke almost a year ago. My gpa’s in a long-term care facility but it’s a constant struggle to get adequate attention, care and proper treatment. Not to mention how draining it is on everyone’s physical and mental health.

Don’t neglect yourself in the midst of the crisis. Try and eat the same and consistently, exercise, meditation is wonderful and have some fun too.

Best wishes to you, your mother and your family at this rough time. May I suggest that someone in the family be appointed the “medical bill scrutinizer” during and after her hospital stay? Hospitals notoriously overcharge for any darn thing one can think of. Also, many (hopefully most) hospitals will have someone on staff known as a “Patient Advocate” or some other similar title. They can come to her (your) aid in all sorts of ways.

All the best,

Hogan

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/07/what-i-wish-id-done-differently/

My heart goes out to you. I too have been dealing with a similar situation with my Mother-in-law. It absorbs you and exhausts you. Best wishes to all.

I too hope everything goes well. My Mom just had her last chemo treatment a couple weeks ago, and my Dad passed a way in 2007. It can be tough sometimes but reading both your blogs helps me make sure I stay in good health and financial shape which are both things my parents have had trouble with their entire lives. Your blogs help me a lot. Thanks.
I will pray for you/your mom/your family as well.

-Danny

My dad had surgery recently, prompting my parents to give my older brother the rights to make health decisions if needed. We have been pushing mom to give us a list of her bills and finances. I think we’ve just scratched the surface. We’ll pray for your mom and start our family’s plan for emergencies. thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us.

Until I saw that you were, most rightly, focussed on your Mum’s health.

I pray that she’ll get well. The other issues can be sorted out soon enough.

I’m looking forward to seeing which great writers you’ve managed to round up to help you out.

I had the beginnings of this experience last year when I needed to pay some bills for my mom…and got the SHOCK of my life when I realized what she owed and how she was managing her money. That really drove me to the Total Money Makeover book, which then drove me to do the same with my own finances. It was a blessing in disguise.

Though she’s beginning to get a handle on things her “filing system” has a lot to be desired. At least I partially understand it now.

Your post is a great reminder to help her/help me get an even better handle on things.

Blessings to you and your family.

You’ll probably never get her to use Quicken unless you go over to her place once a week and enter stuff for her. SDXB tried with his mom…she got pretty good at playing casino games online, but Quicken? Naaah!

The medical system in this country is so scary. It’s one of the things I worry about most when I consider the end of my own life: how on earth is my son going to negotiate the nightmarish medical labyrinth and also hold a job? When my mother was dying, almost all of my time and my husband’s was occupied with fighting the medical bureaucracy — to such an extreme that I never had any time just to be with her. I was too busy doing battle to have any time or energy left to try to comfort her. Not that she could be comforted, given the brutally bad care she got.

The person who is to be the executor of one’s will ought to be given all the relevant passwords, a list that should be updated as they’re changed.

Another thing, too, I guess, sadly: as you go through the experience of caring for a parent, you see the things you can do to simplify life for your own kids when you’re nearing the end of your life:

* Get long-term care insurance.
* Be sure your health insurance covers as much as you can possibly afford. Don’t skimp on Medigap and prescription coverage.
* Move yourself into a life-care community (which is NOT a nursing home) as soon as you begin to sense you may not be able to care for your home much longer.
* Declutter your living quarters while you’re still competent to do so, and keep the place decluttered.
* Make a good will and appoint an executor.
* Make a living will and be sure every doctor you deal with has it, as well as several of your relatives or friends.
* Provide a trusted friend or relative with a medical power of attorney; be sure this person knows your wishes and has a copy of your living will.

It’s never too soon to do set these things in place.

Let me echo the well wishes above. From personal experience, I also wanted to add a few things that I wish I’d known as my godmother declined in health and died, and as I helped my disabled brother (Huntington’s disease) deal with the untimely death of his wife.

They aren’t necessarily directed to your situation, of course, but I learned every single one of them the hard way and hope someone can learn from my mistakes.

1. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Especially when others are counting on you, you cannot ignore your own needs – for space and time as well as sufficient sleep, food, financial security, etc.

2. Accept help from the legitimate sources around you. Make a list of genuine things that need doing – but that don’t put you or your family at risk. Categorize them (for yourself) as either one-time or recurring chores. If you aren’t sure of someone (i.e., a neighbor that knew your brother in law’s wife, but you don’t know from Adam), give them something off that list. Make sure you check to see how long they are willing to do whatever it is.

3. If you become responsible for another person medically, financially, or emotionally, take notes. LOTS and lots of notes. Carry a notebook with you everywhere. Write down questions for doctors, social workers, the gas company. Write down the answers you receive, who gave that answer to you, and when you got it.

4. Follow up, in writing if possible. After my brother’s wife died, he and I physically went to the bank and spent about two hours dealing with an account with a negative balance that needed to be closed. After being assured that no further activity would be recorded on the account – you guessed it, his social security check was deposited into it by accident. Meaning it disappeared and all of a sudden, we didn’t have rent.

5. If the person you are caring for is mentally competent, accept that you are not in charge. Decide whether and how you can deal with watching them make decisions you think are unhealthy or dangerous. If there is a limit to how far you will go to help the person, tell them that up front – kindly and *clearly*. When people are sick and scared, they hear what they want to hear.

Best,
Mimms

Jim

The main things to remember are:
1)It’s a marathon, not a sprint AND
2)The US healthcare system is horrible

The New York Times just started a blog about this phase of life, called “The New Old Age,” and it’s great. See:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/

So we checked out the assisted living places. We didn’t really know much about them, but we found one in my rural area that was much cheaper than the ones in the city where she lived (not that cheaper is better, but when you’re spending thousands a month, you do need to consider it.

We promised my mom that we wouldn’t sell the house until we were sure she was ok with the assisted living place, in case she wanted to come back home and try the at-home care instead.

Well, my mom LOVES her assisted living. We were so afraid that it would be like a nursing home, but it’s truly not! She has her own apartment, she has her cat, she can have guests any time and overnight, and she can come and go as she pleases. And she also has other residents to talk to, people checking on her 3 times a day, 3 meals a day, and all of her housework is done for her. There is a nurse on staff, and Mom checks in with the nurse every month.

Despite our fears, it’s really been the best of both worlds–my mom still has her “own place” but she has all the help she needs. (They would even take her to her Dr. appts, but I prefer to do that, so that I know and understand what the doctor says).

All of this wouldn’t have been possible, though, without my dad planning for the future–in addition to her Social Security, she gets a pension from my dad’s work (he passed in 1987) and any shortfall is made up from life insurance from my dad and the money she got when we sold her house.

But when she started having health problems, we wound up just collecting her mail for a month to see what statements came, and what bills came. Fortunately she wasn’t in debt. And fortunate also, that she had had the foresight to assign my brother and I joint powers of attorney so that we could take care of it all.

I’ll say a prayer for your mom, that things will improve quickly.