I used to have two responses when faced with stress: spend more or eat more. I still sometimes struggle with stress-eating, but stress-spending hasn’t been an issue since I started this blog.
My mother’s recent health problems, however, have brought a whole new meaning to the word “stress”. “I can’t believe this makes me so tense,” I told Kris. “I know Mom’s in good hands. She’s going to be fine.”
“It’s understandable,” Kris said.
So I was surprised the other night to find that, for the first time in ages, stress drove me to shopping. After a recent visit to the hospital, I found myself in the middle of a nearby mall. What was I doing there? I hadn’t been to a mall in years, and yet there I was, back in an old familiar place, looking for comfort.
I made a deal with myself. “I cannot use my credit card,” I thought. “Or my debit card. But I can spend whatever cash I have in my pocket.” I opened my wallet to look: I had $17.
I made a bee-line to the Barnes & Noble. I used to visit bookstores once or twice a week (spending money on nearly every trip), but one of my keys to building wealth has been to avoid them completely. If I’m not tempted, I cannot spend.
For fifteen minutes I wandered the store, admiring all the lovely new books: books on personal finance, books on gardening, books on writing. In the end, however, I bought a comic book (of course). I spent $12.99 on The Pride of Baghdad, a graphic novel about lions that escape from the Baghdad Zoo during an American bombing run.
I drove home, read the book, and thought, “I could have borrowed that from the library.”
I’m not sure how I feel about this experience. I’m not mad at myself. “It’s only $12.99,” I keep thinking. Yet I know that’s a slippery slope: spend $12.99 to soothe myself today, and what will I spend tomorrow?
I also know that it’s important not to beat myself up for this choice. One of the keys to my financial turnaround has been learning from my mistakes. Instead of letting a single small error lead to a spiral of failure, I’ve taught myself to accept it and move on. In this case, I recognize that I spent $12.99 to cope with negative emotions, brought another piece of clutter into the house, and bought something I could have borrowed from the library.
There’s no guarantee that I won’t react similarly in the future, but by consciously noting the choice and its implications now, I make it easier to do the right thing in the future.
This article is about Choices, Psychology, Real-Life, Shopping
You can always return it, or give it to an elementary school library. Turn the negative into a positive.
But I also think sometimes we do things, bad or good, that we need to do and then just let go.
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Don’t beat yourself up over it. I think you deserve a reward for all the progress you’ve made, and for the help you’ve given us.
I think you have the support and now, as you’ve written, know the warning signs to watch out for so you don’t slip back into bad habits. Enjoy your money, and your new book. Donate it, lend to friends, family, etc. Next time, they can buy a book and then share with you.
If you need us, we’re here for you!
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I had a similar experience recently when I bought a novel by a novelist I enjoy and polished it off on the flights home. Like you, it was around $13. Now it’s sitting on my living room floor waiting to be dealt with. Well, that works out to about $2/hour of happiness.
Did you enjoy your graphic novel? Can you (as others suggested) donate it to a local library? Or do you have a friend who enjoys these and pass it on? Suck all the pleasure you can out of your $12.99, and pass it on.
When we’re stressed, we fall back on the easiest way to deal with emotions. It sounds like you did what you could to short-circuit your impulses, and did better than you would have before. Having as much thought as you did during the experience means that YOU were in control. You made a choice, and that’s OK.
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What was it about purchasing something new that made you feel less stressed out?
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As others have said, you can give it away, pass it on, etc.
Or…you can get $5 or $6 of that back by selling it through half.com:
http://search.half.ebay.com/pride-baghdad_W0QQmZbooks
Personally, book shopping used to be both habit and occasional retail therapy…I’ve discovered that I get the same rush out of undirected library browsing, even when I’m not consciously thinking about the money or space I’m ultimately saving.
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I try to dissect and apply lessons to my stress spending. Yes, buying something often makes me feel better– because it gets me out of the building, because it puts my attention on something other than the stress (usually work/school), because I am moving, because in some cases the purchase requires a little more time…. When I get stressed, I look at the pieces of de-stress in shopping, and pick the ones I need.
Moderation is the word. Yes, you spent money, just like you spent money getting into debt. It’s not a habit any more– but that doesn’t mean it should be shameful. If you had sat down beforehand and said, “I am really, really stressed. Here are potential stress relievers. The optimal one is to go to the bookstore, pet some words, and come back with new and interesting fiction,” you probably wouldn’t be as upset with yourself.
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I say sell that sucker and recoup some of the guilt. See if you can turn $12.99 into $2.99 or somesuch…selling becomes a personal challenge after you get into it (haggling). At least it has for me recently.
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If you have the receipt, you can return it, yes. But don’t beat yourself up: you’re in emergency mode right now. Been there. There are worse things, G-d forbid, you could have done than buy a book. Be as kind to yourself as possible. (smile)
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I think buying books is an excellent way to relieve a little stress! It’s good to read and then you can pass it on or sell it.
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I really appreciate your honesty. I think it is great that you realized what you were doing before starting to spend money. You analyzed the situation and made a wise choice to only spend the cash you had. I think you were a smart shopper, although it is interesting to analyze why you ended up needing to shop.
For me when I have no money I get the urge to shop. It is odd. But I have found a way to combat it. I get random giftcards throughout the year for various things. They sit in my wallet for months sometimes. When I start feeling deprived like I have no money, I pull one out and use it. then I am not spending my money but I still get to spend. I should analyze my thinking on that one more.
Sorry about your mom, I hope she is better quickly.
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Solomon asked an insightful question: What was it about purchasing something new that made you feel less stressed out?
It’s true that I have been struggling with this lately — a reluctance to purchase certain things, especially to purchase them new. On the one hand, I can plunk down $150 without hesitation right now to purchase a heart-rate monitor because I know I will use it and I know how it’s going to improve my life. But on the other, I’m more and more reluctant to spend $15 on a book, which I know I can borrow from the library, and which I know will become clutter.
I think part of my reluctance is this ongoing war I have with Stuff. I still have SO MUCH CRAP in my life from my previous spendthrift ways. I look around at all this Stuff, and it’s a painful reminder of the poor choices I made before.
Wesley wrote: I say sell that sucker and recoup some of the guilt.
Preach it, brother!
Actually, Kris and I were just talking about this the other night. As we were purging more of Mom’s Stuff, we each remarked how it would be nice to be able to do the same with our own Stuff. We’ve been making progress for the past year, getting rid of Stuff in fits and starts, but there’s still so much here. Too much, to be honest.
“I wish I could pay somebody to come in and dispassionately go through my Stuff and purge it for me,” I said, and I was serious.
We talked about the fact that I still have stacks and stacks of comics (in graphic novel form) that I haven’t gotten rid of. I sold a bunch last fall (the most valuable of them), but then I lost steam, and now the books are gathering dust in a spare room.
“Maybe you should just get rid of them,” Kris said, “without worrying about how much money you get. Just sell them as a lot.”
This is a painful thought. I know how much I paid for each book. But maybe she’s right. Maybe I should just get the stuff out of my life. Maybe, as always happens, I’m being undone by the sunk-cost fallacy.
It’s funny how a $12.99 comic book can actually be indicative of much deeper concerns…
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JD -
I know this doesn’t deal with the root issue that you’re working through with this post, but I have to say that Pride of Baghdad was an *excellent* pick. I actually read that (in the library, as it so happened) about 6 months ago … and it was fantastic. Touching, sad, dark, and wonderful.
I do hope you can find a good resolution for it … whether donating it to the library or selling it to someone else.
@deepali – don’t assume that just because it’s a comic that it would lend itself to an elementary school library. Middle school, maybe. High school, absolutely.
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Ugh, this hits me where it hurts.
I play the drugstore game and I do this at CVS. I like shopping for fun, so I go there to shop. I can justify it because I’m getting the shopping bug out and I’m spending less than $2 of real money. And I donate most of the stuff to a women’s shelter and homeless shelter. At least I’m not racking up credit card debt at Walmart or the mall or the bookstore, like I was 3 years ago, whenever I am lonely or bored.
But still, I’m perpetuating the bad habit by shopping, I am spending approx $2-5 a week doing it, and I am bringing more clutter into the house.
It’s a constant battle for self-discipline.
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I think it’s amazing that you are so self-aware. Most people engage in mindless shopping, or mindless eating, without even being aware of what they are doing.
As long as you are so aware of your spending habits, I wouldn’t worry at all about slippery slopes.
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J.D., I actually see a lot of good in this post. Sure, you gave in to your spending temptation and “wasted” $12.99. BUT you also didn’t get that pleasure reward (because of internal rewriting that you have done on yourself), which would help lead you into future stress spending.
Contrasting the current J.D. against the previous J.D. (regarding an experience like this), I see a lot of maturity in how you handled yourself (cash only). That alone, should feel pretty good.
Forgive yourself. And, hopefully, you can do something to set this to rights (according to your need for it) by:
- Returning it (if allowed)
- Selling it (if that would be worth it) or
- Donating it.
Just so that you don’t feel like you must justify your buying mistake by letting it own a piece of your life for a given amount of time as clutter in your home and mind. Take care. This is a stressful time of your life and the more grace you allow yourself, the better you will be able to handle things.
P.S. Please tell Kris that I always enjoy the things she says and does to be such a good partner for you in life!
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Yeah, Vered, but I wish I could stop myself before making the mistakes. I mean, if I know what I’m about to do is self-defeating, then why do it?
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Stress can hit our patience levels hard. Of course you could of waited to go to the library, but at the moment the fog of the day had you. I had a similar experience with my parents as my dad was battling with colon cancer. I found myslef at a fast food joint at 2 am, I had been sitting most of the day, but I needed something “to enjoy”. I could of picked up a healthy snack at the convience store, but two months of stess took its toll and I got a transfat loaded burger and fries. Not the best choice, but similar to the comic book, I just had to move on.
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Your response was perfectly normal. Everyone has lapses – think of smokers and drinkers who fall off the wagon. It happens. Chances are you’ll learn from it – obviously you already have since you are blogging about it. Just be glad you didn’t find yourself in the middle of a car dealership
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I’ll make you a deal, JD. You fly me up to Oregon and I’ll purge all of your stuff for you. We’ll sell on eBay, craigslist, Amazon… whatever. Heck, you could use the blog to sell some of the stuff.
Not. Kidding.
Let me know if you’re interested. I could be a one man clean sweep team (assuming you’ve seen the show…)
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Did buying the book make you feel less stressed out? Sounds like you’re under a lot of stress with your mom’s situation. If there was a $13 pill that would lessen your stress you wouldn’t feel guilty about buying it. This isn’t everyday stress – it’s a big one. Give yourself permission to “mindlessly spend” if it makes you feel better and doesn’t throw off your finances.
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Maybe you could go to the library instead of a store when you’re stressed out. It’s quiet there and more relaxing. I’ve always found that works for me.
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I am ALL about saving money and building wealth. In fact, my SO and I had a huge discussion this morning about ways we can save a boatload of money every month AND make some more money too. And just this morning I cut out a couple subscriptions to save a little more money
Having said that — DUDE!!!! $12.99 on a book every now and then is NO BIG DEAL! Cut yourself some slack!! Your mom was very sick.
A lot of the Dave Ramsey stuff that’s popular these days — “cut everything out except necessities — and then cut out some necessities!” — is totally unsustainable. That leads to guilt when you spend a small amount of money on a book after you’ve had a difficult time.
Give yourself a break.
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@ Charlie – good point! But I was actually assuming only elementary schools have libraries that are actually used.
Anyway, JD, posting about it is an excellent way to purge guilt. Now that you’ve “confessed”, so to speak, your readership seems to have “forgiven” you and suggested penance. Choose one of the options, take a bath, and go forth hopefully not to “sin” again. But hey, we’re only human.
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You’re all right, of course: it’s perfectly fine to spend money if I can afford to (which I can). My worry is unplanned spending. When I spend $150 on a heart-rate monitor, that’s fine. I’ve researched it so that I can get a good deal. Similarly, I’m about ready to go pick up a case of wine that I ordered. This is planned spending that I’m making a conscious choice about.
But I do NOT want to get in the habit of stress-spending again: just going to a store and randomly buying stuff.
This is a minor incident. I don’t want it to lead to major incidents.
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JD, you have a saying I always think of when I make a minor fumble like this: “the perfect is the enemy of the good.” This doesn’t HAVE to mean a downward spiral. Don’t kick yourself in the butt so hard, unless that’s a good form of exercise. (I haven’t read your other blog, so maybe it is!)
You have a garden now, maybe you could get into stress weeding?
All best for you, and don’t be too down on yourself.
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Leading to major accidents? Come one, hardly improbable
My experience: now that shopping isn’t my main stress relief anymore, I can afford to enjoy it without doing great damages. It’s true that even when I’m supposed to avoid purchases at all I – cough cough – fail sometimes but I only spend little sums, 15-20-25 euros, then I’m satisfied and a bit guilty and can just stop!
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I would look at this experience from another angle and see the value in the reminder it gave you, which might prevent you from doing this again in the future. I’ll use an example from my own life, but food-related.
In July, my boyfriend took me to a local donut place and we split a freshly-made Bavarian Creme donut. I had never tried one before. It completely floored me. I have a weakness for donuts anyway (I actively avoid them), but the Bavarian Creme magic took it to a new level. I’ve been thinking about that donut for weeks, and I only work a block from the donut shop. Serious willpower has kept me away, but it’s been touch-and-go some mornings.
Last week my brother was in town from Japan. He loves said donut shop and we went there on our last morning. In a moment of weakness, I ordered a Bavarian Creme donut. It was good, but it was not as good as I expected. Of course, afterwards I felt the sugar crash, and it threw off my system for the rest of the day.
Now I know I will no longer crave that donut. I don’t have to expend any willpower staying away from it, because giving in to the craving was not as satisfying as I thought it would be. It feels great, actually, to know that I can “let it go” instead of dreaming about that donut, and using my limited willpower to avoid it.
Perhaps you could look at this spending incident the same way. You were reminded why mindless spending does NOT really take away stress, in fact it creates more of it. Next time you will be less likely to give in. Not bad for less than $13.
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I have a “fun” envelope, but also “petty cash” budget. The former goes for wants, rather than needs, but it’s very planned – if I’m planning to go out to a club tomorrow night, I know I can’t afford to go out for dinner tonight, or whatever. My petty cash is a very small amount, but comes with absolutely no strings attached. I use it to buy impromptu cups of coffee and candy bars, and if I were you, that book would have come out of it. I don’t worry or think much about it. I know my impulse purchases are a small part of an otherwise airtight budget, but having some cash on hand that I don’t have to think about keeps me from feeling poor.
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Hey, you minimized the “damage” by limiting yourself to the cash, so that’s good.
Also, given a choice between stress-eating and stress-spending, the spending may be easier to recover from. You can purge that comic book and maybe get a couple of bucks back. But I don’t know of a good way to recoup your investment in an 800-calorie slice of turtle cheesecake or (my favorite) a pint of Chunky Monkey.
I agree that a periodic treat is fine. If you set aside spending money and then blow some of it on something silly, there’s no harm in it. By designating it as “spending” money, you’ve essentially budgeted for it. Something else will have to give – like a couple of lunches out. Limiting your total spending to the cash in your wallet is the key. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.
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Let me start by saying that your work is an inspiration, and your progress is encouraging to me on a regular basis.
I can identify with your recounted episode, and I know that for me, I do NEED to beat myself up over an episode like this. It helps me avoid them in the future. Remorse and guilt are in our bank of feelings for a reason.
For more on this topic, Larry Winget has a hilarious (and dead on) take on this…
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Bad choices and mistakes do happen. The important is that you learned from it and that is sometimes what is needed to make a better you.
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I don’t buy into the all or nothing approach to correcting or managing behaviors. You recognized the impulse, set limits – what was in your pocket – and you stayed inside those limits. I’d call that a success.
Every now and then we all need to stray from the main course to listen to the id.
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Maybe, instead of getting rid of your new book, you give away or sell an older one. We have a rule in our house: For every item we bring in, we have to get rid of something. This goes for childrens toys as well.
I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but it really does work.
It keeps the clutter under control, and obviously doesn’t apply to things such as groceries!
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Today I went to an impulse shopper’s favorite place – Costco. You never know what is going to be there and everything looks really inviting to take home. I could have come home with a new iPod Touch, a new HD LCD TV, etc but really thought how guilty I would feel after. I started looking at other people’s carts loaded with giant volumes of groceries and some electronics and wondered how many people came there intending to buy everything that was in there. Did they budget for it? I walked out with nothing and felt great. One year ago, I would have walked out with something that I didn’t need. I thank blogs like yours for training me. Everyone will make slipups now and then. Don’t knock yourself for making a purchase. Learn from it and move on. Don’t give up – don’t ever give up. You have come too far.
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Hey, at least it isn’t fattening
Hang in there .. dealing with a parent’s illness isn’t easy.
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I immediately related to this post and your instinct to alleviate stress by shopping. During an extremely difficult time in my life, (due to medical problems), I too gave in to this compulsion.
I started to write a very long comment to your post and then decided my thoughts deserved a post of their own. If you’re interested you can read them here.
You should consider asking yourself not only why you turn to shopping to alleviate your stress but also if you can find a better way to alleviate your stress the next time? Perhaps you can go for a run, perform 100 push ups, or spend time writing or drawing?
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JD, just wanted to say thanks for being honest and talking about it. When trying to rid ourselves of old habits, talking out loud about the times we struggle instead of pretending nothing happened, or that we don’t struggle anymore, is the best way to ensure we’re being accountable and not letting the problem build back up.
Kudos to you for doing the best thing for yourself after the fact… and my thoughts and prayers are with your Mom, I hope she’s doing well.
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“Instead of letting a single small error lead to a spiral of failure, I’ve taught myself to accept it and move on.”
There is so much wisdom in this line. Thanks for sharing.
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JD —
I understand what you’re saying. You did a great job stopping yourself though and minimizing the damage to a single item.
Just remember to be kind to yourself right now since you’re going through a major stress event with your mother’s illness.
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JD said, “I think part of my reluctance is this ongoing war I have with Stuff. I still have SO MUCH CRAP in my life from my previous spendthrift ways. I look around at all this Stuff, and it’s a painful reminder of the poor choices I made before.”
Thanks for your honesty.
I’m in the process of buying new frames for pictures from my travels. I can only spend money made from selling my stuff and anything purchased must be on sale. Also, promised myself I would list one item per day, because it was so overwhelming, on Craigslist or Ebay until it’s all gone. So far this month, I’ve made $190! Getting rid of my “bad” purchases and using the money to shop more responsibly has been a lot of fun.
Unfortunately, my newer stuff is adopted after losing my mother 5 years ago. It was too difficult back then to part with many things. I go through her stuff every year and part with more and more, saving only very dear items. It’s very freeing.
PS-HRM’s are worth every penny!
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I think sometimes we have to allow ourselves little indulgences and not be too harsh in our abstinence.
Spending money on books rather than lifestyle products is not a terrible expense in my book, but that is just me.
And you can always sell off the book on ebay or pass it on to your friends who can benefit from the book.
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i agree with jeflin. we’re human after all, and we make mistakes, or sometimes we just need to feel like we can indulge a little.
and in this case, the indulgence seems reasonable. sort of a small bite. as long as this type of thing doesn’t spiral out of control, things should be fine.
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JD, I really enjoyed this post – like the others, I feel you are being waaay too hard on yourself! It’s so easy to feel out of control and overwhelmed in stressful situations, but you didn’t fail. You just did what you do
(as most of us do) when you find yourself feeling helpless – you found control.
Your new role of Caregiver has physical, emotional, and spiritual requirements. Satisfying these may or may not take the form of purchasing comic books and eating Big Macs.
You may need a massage, you may need to cry or express anger, you may need to light a candle – but whatever you do, please take the time to recognize that you are in a new role…then reflect on what your needs are so that you can take care of your mother while still taking care of yourself. (Try Googling: caregiver care)
Keep up the great work!
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You can analyse the pants out of anything and come to the (logical) conclusion that you didn’t really need to buy whatever it was you just bought. Like the earlier poster hints, you can (and should) reward yourself with something, from time to time (even do it on a regular basis, to set yourself targets or mileposts on your way to financial ‘alrightness’). Because, you have to realise that you are aiming for something here, you’re not saving all this money to pay off your debts and then…just LOOK at a pile of money. You gotta get some enjoyment out of your money and your life. Of course, anyone of us could croak tomorrow, so I think some rewards are ok, even rewarding. We probably won’t croak tomorrow, so we just need to realise how to limit those ‘rewards’ and make them rewarding when they do come along.
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I can certainly relate the stress you feel when someone you love has a health challenge.
Our family went through a health crisis and I think I put on 15 pounds. That certainly didn’t make me feel better but for some reason I was attacking food.
I hoped you enjoyed your book.
Blessings
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As ever, love the post JD and love the comments.
I *really* liked Allison’s idea to keep a small amount allocated to spontaneous purchases each week/month. I love to buy trashy magazines when I am stressed, but if I had a $5/week allocation, it would feel less like *cheating* and more like I was still planning my spending, but leaving myself room for unplanned purchasing. JD, what do you think of that?
I am also curious if “the new JD” ever buys books. I am slowly reducing my book budget (like you, a *big* problem for me in the past), and trying to figure out which things I will happy waiting for on the library waitlist, and which things I want to own. I do re-read favorites.
My new thought is if I really love it AFTER I take it from the library, I will then try to find it at my local used book store.
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P.S. re: CRAP in the house
Although my finances are not yet as solid as yours, earlier this year I hired a personal home organizer (http://nycclutterbusters.com/).
TOTALLY worth it. We had a weekly appointment to go through things and get rid of TONS of it. Then each week he would assign me homework tasks. Since I was paying for his time, I usually did a lot of work during the week in order to keep the process on track.
Not that you need it JD
, but for your other readers, I fell in love (after four years being single!) in the last stages of de-cluttering. I really think the two are related!!! 
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J.D. Maybe you should consider creating a “blow” spending category. Blow = money you can spend on anything without guilt or remorse.
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After reading the comments, books are my weakness too. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to use my local library and I can report that its working pretty well. I still buy my book club books and once in a while a random book at the airport. My local library, which is pretty tiny, has a pretty good selection and my new routine is to walk down on Saturday and pick up a few books.
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J.D.
Have you read “All your worth” by Elizabeth Warren and her daughter? I think you have reviewed it here…..
That book has changed my life and I constantly recommend it and love to discuss it. We use the plan described, the 50/30/20 plan and do a little Dave Ramsey mixed it. The bottom line is that if your spending is in balance and that 13 bucks came out of your “wants” money, all of your other obligations are cared for then “who cares?”. You have done this before, you beat yourself up pretty bad over a Wii game if I remember. I think that you’ve got a mental block and maybe a little bit of self inflicted punishment mentality to make up for your previous overspending.
That’s why I love and recommend the “all your worth” plan. Take care of the basics, get rid of debt, develop an emergency fund, set up retirement and other savings accounts and then take what’s left over and spend it on what you want, without remorse, without penny to penny tracking, life is good.
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