This is a guest post from Flexo at Consumerism Commentary, the granddaddy of personal finance blogs. Previously at GRS, he shared how to be the Chief Financial Officer of your own life.
Success, financial or otherwise, comes from within.
According to studies by psychologists and researchers, people with an internal locus of control are more apt to plan for long-term goals, delay gratification, and accept more risk for the promise of more reward. These qualities should sound familiar to readers of this site because they are precisely the characteristics needed to “get rich slowly.”
The locus of control is a way of looking at your circumstances and assigning cause. The difference between external and internal is the difference between saying, “I didn’t get the raise because the company is tightening the belt,” and, “I didn’t get the raise because I didn’t prove beyond a reasonable doubt I deserved it.” It’s also the difference between, “I got the promotion because it was finally my turn after being here long enough,” and, “I got the promotion because I performed well on that last project.”
Of course, shifting to an internal locus of control is more than saying these things, it’s internalizing the attitude and incorporating the outlook into your personality.
Obsessed with success
I once had a boss who took this concept to the extreme. “Ed” believed in the necessity of dedication, hard work, and personal sacrifice for achieving and breeding success, but he took it to the point of obsession. In his view, even the most seemingly unrelated outcomes are converted into blame. Here’s an example, slightly modified from the truth to obfuscate location:
One day I was late to work because I was caught in traffic due to an accident on the freeway. Ed was aware of the accident, but he wouldn’t accept my reason for tardiness. It was important to him that I accepted responsibility for being late, not necessarily because I could have anticipated the accident and left home earlier that morning (he believed that sleeping late was a result of a subconscious choice not to wake up due to the lack of enjoyment of life, rather than a physical need for the body to rest), but because I could have chosen to live closer to the office and, even more importantly, that a lack of respect for timeliness invites incidents that allow me to arrive late.
That was a little too extreme for me.
I could agree that there were certain actions I could have taken to reduce the likelihood of arriving late, including waking up earlier or living closer to the office (which would necessitate taking a roommate in order to afford the more expensive urban rent). However, I couldn’t go so far as to admit that simply having an internal negative attitude can manifest itself in events outside of my control, such as traffic accidents. [J.D.'s note: I agree.]
Looking inward
Later I came to better understand Ed’s point of view and to appreciate the less extreme aspects of his philosophy, particularly the difference between an internal and an external locus of control.
I had been attributing certain things that “happened to me” to outside, uncontrollable forces. More specifically, my personal philosophy called for attributing the good things I achieved to my skills and abilities while attributing the bad things to “forces beyond my control.” This combination placed me squarely as an “external.”
Success, defined by a personal goal, financial or otherwise, can be easier achieved by shifting to an internal locus of control. People who routinely achieve their goals are more likely to attribute their success to their ability, talent, and hard work rather than just luck or chance. Any mistakes they make are just that; while bad luck is something that cannot be controlled, errors in judgment or missteps allow successful people to learn, adapt, and succeed.
It took some time for me to understand that I had more control over my situations than I was allowing myself to believe. Shifting to an internal from external point of view is not as simple as flipping a switch. It’s not an intuitive adaptation to make because the philosophies that drive your point of view are often deep-seated. But it is possible, and perhaps necessary, for people who are interested in the qualities necessary to get rich slowly.
Back to the future
There is an important limit to an internal locus of control. Although you need to accept responsibility for outcomes, there are certain things you can’t control no matter what decisions you make. There is little you can do to affect the rotation of the earth, the passage of time, or inflation (unless you are Superman, Dr. Emmet L. Brown, or Ben Bernanke). Being able to accept what is truly beyond your control is just as important as taking responsibility for as much as possible.
What is beyond your control? Many of the most important financial habits and lessons are learned as a child from adults modeling behavior. Without good role models and sufficient education, kids can become young adults without the mental tools for financial success, and this can be a cycle lasting generations. As an informed adult, however, every financial decision can either help or hurt your condition, and these decisions (which affect your future) fall within your control.
If getting out of debt is your goal, it will not help to blame the credit card companies for your current position. Yes, it is true that credit card issuers bear some responsibility for using deceptive practices designed to trap consumers into a debt spiral, but to succeed at debt reduction, it’s important to realize that you are in control and have the ability to beat the credit cards at their own game, either by managing credit usage responsibly or by opting out of the industry. It takes education, determination, and discipline.
If earning more income is your goal — and that might be necessary if you are getting out of debt and are currently spending more on the basics than you are earning — accept responsibility for the exact amount of your salary. You are getting paid your hourly or yearly rate because that is what you succeeded in negotiating or the choice you made to accept the job. The possibilities for earning more money are endless. If you perceive your salary as low for what you do — I certainly do, and I have a feeling I’m not alone — accept you have the power to change it. There is always a choice.
Rather than blaming your financial situation on bad luck, a broken system, or your parents’ negative influence, determine which choices you made — or didn’t make — brought you to where you are, and make some new ones. An external locus of control is a self-limiting philosophy, so make new choices based on an internal point of view. These choices can have a strong effect on your finances.
J.D.’s note: One of my mantras is: “Nobody cares about your personal finances more than you do.” It’s true. Until you take control of your money, you cannot expect anyone else to help. The change has to begin with you. Photos by specialkrb and theritters.
This article is about Basics, Choices, Psychology, Self-Improvement
Much of our suffering is a result of our desire for control. If we feel we have no control, then we succumb to that which we perceive is controlling us.
If we seek to control something, it should be to control our desire for control.
“The most exquisite paradox… as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.” ~ Ram Dass
“Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Great post, by the way…
Kent @ The Financial Philosopher
loading....
Nice post Flexo,
The blame-shifting that you mention seems to be so prevalent in modern America. Most people don’t want to take responsibility for their actions and to add to it, they want someone else – the government – to fix them. I agree that accepting responsibility for things is such a key to becoming free in this area…
loading....
That’s an interesting philosophy.
What can you do if one bad choice early in life screwed up the rest? Take someone who decided to get on a bicycle one morning and got in a life-altering accident. Is it their own fault for not being more cautious or is there more to it? Even if it was their fault, they can’t go back and change what happened. They can’t just will themselves fixed. The medical system requires that they invest a considerable amount of time and money in corrective surgery. They don’t have the money and their new health problems make it difficult to earn a living.
loading....
Great post – this has really helped me define a problem that I have been struggling with the past few months.
I mentor a child every Monday afternoon for two hours. The concept of “internal locus of control,” or sense of responsibility for what happens to you, is something I try to impart onto my mentee in each meeting. Unfortunately, I feel like my attempts to inform her about how to take charge of her life are undone the other 166 hours of the week. It seems nearly impossible to learn this lesson when she is surrounded by people with a collective belief that “it’s not my fault that I am poor.”
The society that my mentee lives in, though only a mile away from mine, has a completely different mindset than my own. It is a collection of people who cannot see any connection between the decisions they make and the outcomes that they must live with. Coming from a middle class family, this is an urban plague I would have never would have seen or believed without a few years of mentoring under my belt. No amount of government programs or charity can solve this crisis. For people with this mindset charity only fosters entitlement. I agree that if more people took a position of responsibility in their lives, America would have a more successful (and richer) population.
loading....
Wow this is good. What if our politicians thought like this!
loading....
Great article, Flexo. Thanks for sharing this and articulating so many of my own thought on being intentional and taking personal responsibility. Took me back to Psych 101.
loading....
The key is to be the active ingredient in your own life.
loading....
To Janet: Keep reminding yourself that your words and actions will continue to influence your mentee long after you’ve lost contact. I learned about this concept of taking responsibility for my actions somewhere around age 10. I worked at a pony farm mucking stalls in exchange for the privilege of riding (responsibility – check). The owner and instructor taught us that it’s always the fault of the rider, never the pony (internal locus of control – check). My sisters and I remember this tough, fair woman as one of the influences that shaped our lives as much as our parents did.
To MatthewL: Your hypothetical bicycle rider needs to accept control for how she handles her current circumstances. This rider controls her attitude; controls to what degree she accepts that whether or not the accident was her fault, whether or not she can see how she might have prevented it, she is responsible for solving the problems it brought; controls whether she works to find help or gives up before she starts.
To the author: I thought this was a terrific article. I do, however, take exception with your first example about being late. Your boss was correct “that a lack of respect for timeliness invites incidents that allow [you] to arrive late.” Everyone faces accidents and delays but most of us have learned to leave additional time to allow for things to go wrong. My problem with tardiness in an employee (or an employer) is that it demonstrates a lack of respect his job and for his co-workers or employees.
loading....
@Steph
The thing is that there are times when you cannot avoid being late. If you are due to work at 8 am sharp. And I live 30 minutes away I would try to get to work by 7:45. Even a minor accident cans triple the time it takes to get there. It is not rational for a person to get to work 1 hour early just to avoid those once a year type of situations. The employer should show at least some of trust to the employee. I found this to be true, when I worked as a lifeguard being late was unacceptable, but now that I work as a professional being late to work once or twice a year is not even commented on, as long as it is not a habit.
ThatGuy
loading....
ThatGuy, I agree with you. It’s one thing if you’re getting in at 8:15 every few day with a different excuse each time (and most other days you’re squeaking in at 7:59). It’s quite another if you’re normally on time and you show up once or twice for a reason that is verifiable.
loading....
@Steph – Why not take it even further? You could just live at the office and never leave, that way you would never ever be late or unavailable if the boss needed you. I’m glad I don’t work with or for you. I know myself, and I’m not much of a morning person. It takes me a while to get going. It shows up at work too. I usually get here sometime between 8:30 and 9. Of course, the flip side is that I rarely leave before 6, and often stay even later than that. On average, I would guess that I leave between 6:30 and 7pm. fortunately for me, my work fits well with this pattern – I depend on other people’s work, and often don’t get it until late in the day, so I stay late to get my part done, so that the early-arrivers have something to work on in the morning. It works for me, but it is certainly an atypical situation. Am I showing a lack of respect for not coming in till 9, or are others showing me a lack of respect by not gettingtheir product to me until 5 and expecting something available to them when they return in the morning?
loading....
Great article!
This should be taught in schools.
loading....
The Boss Ed sounds like one of the nutjobs behind “The Secret.”
loading....
This should be taught at home – reinforced in school.
loading....
I agree. I think these are important: Be consistent pursuing your goals, never give up, stay positive, avoid negative peole. It all comes from within.
A Dawn Journal
http://www.adawnjournal.com
loading....
As a coach, I am always focusing my clients on their question, “What can I do about this challenge?” – but it really comes down to “Am I motivated to do something about this challenge, what are my values about the subject matter, and what can I do to increase motivation at the times I need them increased?”
Many people DO work under the “learned helplessness” perspective: “I can’t do anything about this situation so why should I bother trying?” This is common for depressed people as well as people who were raised in this type of culture: in their own family, or even in the country – like the former Soviet bloc nations. (They were ‘trained’ to accept lack of supplies, lack of assistance, and long bureaucracy as a reason for not getting things done).
However, “Ed” is (for lack of better word) believed that his company’s work should far overshadow the individual employee, down to even that the employee ‘should’ contemplate living closer to the office simply to cut off possibilities of traffic accidents making the employees delayed. What other subjects does he hold to that standard? How robotic should his employees be… and what would (*gasp*) happen if he himself encountered a real-world real-life emergency?
My point is that there will always be challenges and ‘traffic’. Yes, we should consider pursuing our interests and passions, but know that we can change course to incorporate challenges. Buddhism calls these challenges and ‘traffic’ as “suffering”, but the real translation is more like ‘a broken axle wheel’ or ‘a broken bone’. We don’t give up living with a broken bone – we just put a cast on the bone and go find ways of living with a cast on, until we have a solution (and the cast comes off).
Awareness. Acceptance. Allowance for challenges. Navigating those challenges towards the path you seek. Changing path when necessary. Allowing new challenges to arise, and navigating those as well… no room for crawling into a hole and complaining here, unless you like the hole better than you like the goal.
loading....
Great post today! So many people like to blame their inadequacies and/or failures on outside forces and not on themselves. I agree with Wannabe that this should be taught at home.
loading....
This is also called “agency” and correlates with being proactive rather than reactive.
loading....
To Dave: Please don’t make it personal – you don’t know anything about working with me except that I value taking responsibility for myself. I don’t think having a flexible schedule at work counts as lateness. If no one is expecting you in at a certain time, how are you late? Late is when you’ve committed to being somewhere at a specific time and you arrive after that time. Your committment may have been implicit in accepting a position (not every job, of course, but some) or it may be situational (e.g. to a meeting or finishing a project). I think you’ve shown respect for your job and co-workers by figuring out a way to get the job done that makes everyone happy – you get to sleep late and your co-workers get the results of your work sooner than they might otherwise expect. No problem.
I used the particular quote from the article, “a lack of respect for timeliness invites incidents that allow [you] to arrive late,” purposefully. I think if I wrote the sentence, “a lack of respect for chain saws invites incidents that allow one to become injured,” I wouldn’t get much argument. A lack of respect for a chain saw doesn’t gurantee injury, and a respect for chain saws doesn’t guarantee safety, but by not respecting the tool you certainly increase your chances of injury. Similarly, if you don’t value and respect timeliness you may still often be on time but you increase your chances for lateness.
I think I’ve made my point, but if I’ve got examples if you feel like reading them. When I wrote the first time, I admit that I had a couple of specific people in mind. The first was a boss I had who was late to every meeting she ever scheduled. If it was a big meeting within the company, her excuse was that she just skipped the gossip portion. She didn’t realize that the conversation only ever lasted until the late people showed up. For one-to-one meetings with her employees, she’d have us sit in her office while she finished phone calls, correspondence, and conversations with others. When I once suggested she call me when she was ready to meet, she told me that I was cancelling the meeting and should be prepared for the consequences. In both circumstances, her lack of respect for others was evident.
The other person was an employee who was late at least once a week. He was a part-time bank teller, scheduled to cover our busiest times, and his absence made his co-workers work harder and inconvenienced customers. When I gave him his first official warning for it, I asked him what he thought he could do to improve the situation. He thought it was completely beyond his control because it was always traffic, road construction, school ran late, the alarm didn’t go off. He literally offered no suggestions for improvement. I’m sure he thought I was nuts for suggesting that since the rest of us made it work on-time, nearly every day, that his arrival time really was within his control.
For me, the bottom line is to accept responsibility. On the rare occasions that I’m late due to traffic and whatnot, I apologize to the person I’ve inconvenienced and I take whatever steps possible (demonstrating that I accept I’ve got some control over the situation) to ensure I don’t do it again.
loading....
Doesn’t having this philosophy also mean that you tend to have less empathy for other people’s situations?
loading....
It may. I do feel empathy for others – in fact I’m an accountant at a non-profit and I work particularly with our Homeless Services departments. I try not to allow empathy to rule my response to a situation. I try to use reason informed by empathy.
I see both poor life choices and misfortune in the lives of our clients. I don’t blame our clients for their misfortune (it’s very often related to poor health combined with no insurance and therefore no access to health care, but that’s an entirely different column). I do blame them for their poor choices, but I don’t think that makes them undeserving of help. Many clients have past drug problems, no education, low job skills. I am all in favor of helping people stay or become clean and sober, for helping them find education chances, for helping them find jobs that will give them on-the-job training, and for providing child-care so that they can do these things. However, when they start doing drugs again, when they neglect their children, when they just plain don’t show up for a job or for class, I don’t want to help them or spend any taxpayer money to do so. I don’t believe in infinite chances.
I can’t take any credit for the fact that I’ve got a decent mind, that I was born in a country that allows women to use their minds, and that my family could afford to send me to state university with minimal student loans. Without this good fortune, none of the choices I’ve had in life would exist. I do take credit for applying myself in school and being responsible in my work life so that I’ve still got a good job. I do take credit for making good choices in my personal financial life so that our only debt is our mortgage and that the dollar amount of the mortgage was carefully selected so that we’ve been able to weather job loss and hospital bills.
Still, I know that I’m only one catastrophe away from losing everything I’ve worked for. I’m not sure that my awareness counts as empathy, though; I think there’s a good chance it’s just enlightened self-interest. My question for you: do you think there’s a difference between the two?
loading....
I grew up with the reverse philosophy of the author: everything I got or accomplished was because I was lucky, and everything that went wrong was my fault.
I believe a previous poster called this philosophy “learned helplessness”. This attitude lead to inertia: What is the point of trying if I can only succeed if I’m lucky? How much shame for failing can I risk and absorb if I’m not even in control of whether I succeed or not? Let’s just say that I grew up to be completely ineffective, except at doing what I’m told.
I’m a lot more balanced about this now. When I was beating myself up about something years ago, my therapist asked me whether I had made the best choice I could based on what I knew at the time. That has become my boundary between “my responsibility” and “not my fault”. If I decided to cut corners, be lazy, take an uncalculated risk, leave for an appointment without extra time for emergencies, not shop around or study something before making a choice — I have to take responsibility for those choices. If I didn’t know that something was possible, dangerous, available, the best way, the worst way, but I did my very best — then I have to give myself a bit of a break.
Sure, a boss might not give me a break, but my boss doesn’t live in my head.
(BTW — I read somewhere that in broad generalities, men tend to take responsibility for their successes and blame outside influences for their failures, while women tend to do the opposite. I know a lot of exceptions, but have found this to be generally true, especially among depressed women and confident younger men.
)
loading....
Steph,
There’s probably some difference but that’s negligible. I too have worked for a non-profit and have friends who are “poor.” It seems most of their problems are because of bad choices but some it was misfortune too. Misfortune almost always follows making poor decisions. A good example would be choosing a trailer over a brick house in tornado ally. Maybe we need to work on teaching better decision making skills in school.
loading....
Regarding being on time vs. late and traffic:
Lets say you have a 30 minute drive, taking into account expected traffic. (For the sake of argument, lets assume the drive is not in an area particularly prone to traffic jams.) What time should you leave?
Assuming you have a healthy respect for timeliness, leaving 45 minutes before you are scheduled to arrive would seem reasonable to most. Sure, you could end up in traffic for two hours. But if the odds of that very minimal, there is no expectation of bad weather, then fine. You might be late once a year. For most people most of the time, that’s more than acceptable.
Of course, there are exceptions. If I’m going to a wedding or funeral, I will leave ridiculously early to ensure that I am on time.
For a daily routine, it would be ridiculous to for one to be expected to leave two hours early for what is normally a half hour drive. Unless that job pays *really* well, or is (literally) life-critical.
loading....
Doesn’t having this philosophy also mean that you tend to have less empathy for other people’s situations?
From the tone of the comments so far, I think few others will agree with you, but I wanted to let you know that I do.
While I believe in accepting responsibility for your own actions, I think that some people can take the idea of what exactly an individual is responsible for too far. For example, Janet (comment 4) spoke of her mentees entire community believing that it is not their fault that they are poor and it is her belief that charity doesn’t help them as it only fosters an attitude of entitlement.
Honestly, when I first read that comment, I had to stop reading this post for awhile because it really reminded me of the worst side of the “personal responsibility” argument: that, at the end of the day, everything is the result of a choice you made so you deserve what you get. At the end of the day that leads to some very ugly places. If you are poor, it is because you didn’t work hard enough. If you get sick, it is because you didn’t try hard enough to stay well. If you are the victim of a crime, it is because you didn’t take enough precautions to prevent yourself.
And while, as Steph pointed out, there are steps you can take (such as using all the resources available to you), people who subscribe to this argument fail to recognize that a multitude of outside forces can affect an individual. Illness, addiction, a violent home life, drug addiction, lack of education, job loss, family tragey, mental illness…just one of these things can be devestating to a person’s life, but when multiple things like this pile up it can be devestating.
Of course no one should give up on trying to make their situation better, but I believe that some compassion and understanding would go just as far as hard work in making the world a better place to live.
loading....
MatthewL,
I think we definitely have to teach better decision making in schools. It used to be called Critical Thinking, and now, if it’s taught at all, it’s taught in college. I hear a lot of talk about accepting the consequences of our bad decisions but very little about how to make better ones. That’s one of the reasons I like JD’s column so much, as well as Michelle Singletary’s in the Washington Post. The columns don’t lament problems, they explore ways that people can make changes to improve their lives (bringing me back to taking responsibility for ourselves – you know I’d work it in somewhere).
loading....
Steph – sorry, it wasn’t my intent to offend. It’s just that I’ve run into people in the past who thought the clock was the most inmportant thing – “Your work day starts at 8!” My response to this attitude has always been to impose the same rigidity on the other end of the day. If I HAVE to be here by 8, then I WILL leave at 5 sharp. Your examples are good, but I don’t work in that sort of environment. When I used to, many years ago, I was always on time for my shifts. When I lived in places that suffered from ice and snow storms, I started in to work earlier on bad days (and sometimes it was still so bad that everyone was late!).
I think though, that my original complaint about your original statement still stands. You said that the boss was correct and “Everyone faces accidents and delays but most of us have learned to leave additional time to allow for things to go wrong.” I have to guess, but it sounds like the author was not habitually tardy, but that this was a one time event caused by events outside of his control. How do you propose that he “allow for things to go wrong”? Someone mentioned that they live 30 minutes from work and normally arrives 15 minutes early, but that an accident can triple his commute time. In this case, would you expect him to allways allow for the worst case – a commute of 90 minutes? If so, and he arrives at 6:15 most mornings (versus 7:45), does he then get to leave at 3:30? What, you had a meeting scheduled at 4? Sorry, you should have made allowances for his commute not going wrong. I just don’t buy the whole “bad things happen because you deserve it” theme – it’s the flip side of those idiots with “The Secret” (which is yet another rant – let’s not go there, for everyone’s sake!)
It all boils down to a question of how success is judged. If the quest is to arrive at work on time, you statement makes it sound like you are seeking 100% success – zero late arrivals. An admirable goal maybe, but realistic? How about an example of my own: I had to drive for 2 days to get to a training class I was taking. On the 2nd day, about halfway to my destination, I pulled over to fill up my gas tank. Before I could get any gas pumped, the ground swayed violently and all the power went off – I had just experienced a 6.6 earthquake. After waiting about 30 minutes and still not getting power back, I decided that I had enough gas left for another 50 or so miles, so I decided to drive up the road and take my chances. Fortunately, the power was still on about 20 miles up the road, and I made it to my destination without further problems. How should I have allowed for an earthquake in my planning? Frankly, I didn’t plan for that at all!
loading....
J,
I’m not saying that charity and government programs don’t work. People who use these resources need to have the right mindset to make these programs successful. If you come into a program just needing a helping hand to get back on your feet after a tragedy, the program is likely to work for you. But if you spend your time devising ways to squeeze more money out of programs and charity, without ever trying to get a job, then the program has failed.
I feel bad for my mentee and her situation. She doesn’t deserve what she is getting, but the people in her family with the ability to do something about it aren’t doing everything they can to take care of her. Have you ever mentored? If you saw how your tax money was really spent by SOME people you might feel the same way. It’s like what Steph was saying in comment 20:
“I am all in favor of helping people stay or become clean and sober, for helping them find education chances, for helping them find jobs that will give them on-the-job training, and for providing child-care so that they can do these things. However, when they start doing drugs again, when they neglect their children, when they just plain don’t show up for a job or for class, I don’t want to help them or spend any taxpayer money to do so. I don’t believe in infinite chances.”
I wouldn’t mentor if I didn’t care. I think it may be the only way to help children break this cycle. I’m sorry if I upset you J – I was only highlighting one side of a very complex issue.
loading....
Dave,
In the interest of good-will I’ll gloss over just how “I’m glad I don’t work with or for you,” isn’t aimed at offense, and accept your apology
My reading of the author’s paragraph led me to see frequent if not habitual lateness. I could be wrong. My only real point was about the one sentence I chose. Even if Ed was a complete jerk and ludicrous in his expectation of 100% timeliness, he wasn’t wrong about “a lack of respect for timeliness invites incidents that allow [one] to arrive late.” As with the chain saw example, respect for timeliness doesn’t guarantee you’ll always be on time, but it certainly helps. The inverse is true for the lack of respect.
I’m not defending promptness as the highest virtue to which we can aspire, but I do value it and I hate to have my time wasted by people who can’t be bothered to show up on time. For what it’s worth, I think having an on-time success rate of 99% isn’t an unreasonable expectation. For the math challenged among us, that equates to arriving to work late 2.5 times per year.
loading....
Steph – I’m glad you worked the math. I did too, but eventually edited it out of my reply. I agree that, in situations that call for it, a 99% success rate isn’t unreasonable at all. My complaint (not with you, but with Ed, the original boss) is that he wouldn’t accept the author’s excuse for his tardiness on that day. It’s one thing to be delayed because “I was caught in traffic due to an accident on the freeway” and it’s entirely a different matter to be late because I was out partying last night or some similar excuse. In the author’s case, it was pretty much out of his hands. I know that in my area, due to geography, we have only 2 major north-south routes and very few options to move between them (east-west). Even if I hear a traffic report about a major incident before I leave the house in the morning, so does everyone else, and roads connecting to the alternate route are quickly jam-packed. If the accident occurs after I have left the house and am already on the road, my options are even more limited. Often, my only choice is to stay where I am and simply wait until the mess is cleaned up. This traffic pattern, in fact, is one of the reasons that I come into work later than normal. Most of the mess from a typical commute is usually gone before I get on the road, morning or night.
I’m all for personal responsibility. If I’m going to party on a work night, then it is my responsibility to still make it into work on time the next day. My problem with Ed would be that he seems to think that any problem becomes my responsibility, whereas I maintain that there are sometimes things beyond my control and I can’t possibly anticipate and make allowances for all of them. Unless of course, you agree with my original sarcastic contention that the only way to please a boss like that would be to live in the office, so that you would always be on time and available.
loading....
Thanks for all the comments!
Steph: In my case, tardiness was not a habit, it was a rare occurrence. This was just one example.
MatthewL: Sometimes it is one bad choice causing a lifetime of problems. But even with major financial problems, I believe there are small choices you make every day which may not free you entirely but can improve your situation one day to the next. It could be tiny steps, but it’s better than not moving at all — or moving in the opposite direction.
janet: It must be hard to be one person working against an entire society, but at least you’re building awareness within your mentee and I think that will have an effect down the road…
Greg C: “Ed” was influenced by a program called “est” and Landmark Forum, which has a few things in common with “The Secret.” This was also a non-profit organization — one of the best in the world, if not the best, at what we did. Excellence was the only choice at all times, for our very small team doing world class things. (Can’t be too specific for obvious reasons.)
Lauren: Excellent comment! “Learned helplessness” seems to be a likely result of extreme external locus of control.
J: I agree that there has to be some allowance for circumstances beyond control (I mentioned that in the post, a little) which is why I see the limits of Ed’s philosophy but yet recognize the importance of accepting responsibility for as much as possible of current status and full responsibility for and control of decisions that follow.
I know it’s “preaching to the choir” here, because GRS readers are educated and aware. But I imagine it’s difficult for people like Janet’s mentee who are not encouraged to assume this philosophy in their own mini-societies.
Dave: I agree with your comment. Ed’s point of view is that there is always a choice — to live closer to the office, for example, but other sacrifices as well — and this was an important aspect of true Excellence which was our aspiration for the organization.
He even addressed sexual needs once by suggesting the single among us get rid of outside girl/boyfriends and just sleep with each other, then we’d never have to leave the office. (He was dating a girl in the office at that time.) Just thought I’d share that particular insight into his philosophy.
loading....
@Flexo: “He even addressed sexual needs once…”
Ick, ick, ick! Just what I would want to hear – sex advice from my boss – not! I hope this was a long time ago, because now that’d buy him a big harrasment lawsuit!
Despite my negative reaction to all you’ve said so far about Ed, I understand him somewhat. It is all about choices and my choices are driven by my priorities. Where I live is driven by things like what living accomodations I desire (apartment, condo, single-family house), lifestyle (near parks, schools for the kids, country v. city), affordability and many other factors such as the length of the commute. I currently have about a 25 minute commute, but if I wanted to move right down the street from the office, I would have to pay about $200k more for a bit smaller (but probably newer) house in a development (plan 3, elevation B) instead of the custom home we currently have. Obviously, there are things I value more than being able to walk to work.
Just curious, do you still have any contact with Ed? Has his approach changed at all over the years?
loading....
Dave: I’ve run into him a few times in the past few years at various events but haven’t worked with him. I’ve seen some indication that he’s mellowed out in some respects, but I’m not close enough to know much about his current outlook on life and work.
loading....
Janet,
I was reluctant to refer to your comment in my own because I didn’t want you to feel attacked, so please accept my apologies for not trusting my better judgment. It definitely wasn’t that I necessarily saw the attitude I described in your comment…it was that I saw how someone could jump from what you seemed to be thinking to the unfortunate attitude I described. I was a little hesitant about the charity comment, but you are right, those who abuse charity obviously are only helping themselves at the expense of others who need it.
Perhaps I’ve just got my rose colored glasses on…or I haven’t been in the right place at the right time, but I have never come across anyone who truly abused the system in the way you have described. I have close ties to the educational system in my city, and what I have witnessed far more of, sadly in a way, is people who have given up and don’t believe they can do any better. And those are the people I worry will slip through the cracks when we as a society get too invested in personal responsibility.
Obviously the mentoring you are doing is fighting against that, and I take my proverbial hat off to you for doing it!
And Flexo, may I say that I am glad you got away from Ed…he sounds as if he crossed the border from eccentric into psychotic some time ago!
loading....
I love articles like this. This has been the subject of many sessions w/ my psychologist.
It seems to me that Ed is a deeply disturbed abusaholic. The lateness situation, which I gather was both infrequent and not very costly, was merely an excuse for Ed to make his subordinates’ lives miserable.
Too many individuals in managerial positions are cut from this mold.
Now, my own work experience has involved people all over the spectrum of human behavior, and I must say that working for someone who is understanding and fair beats the ‘Eds’ of the world.
I had a friend a great many years ago who refused to take responsibility for *anything* that he did (and I mean ANYTHING).
If he damaged someone’s property, it wasn’t his fault. It was because someone got him angry.
If he got beaten up for making the wrong comment to the wrong person at the wrong time, it wasn’t his fault for failing to shut up; it was the other person’s fault for starting the fight.
If he blamed someone else for his own errors, it was because other people were
untrustworthy and deserved it.
I suspect that part of the cause of this behavior is that both of his parents were ignorant abusaholics who proceeded immediately to punishment if there was event the possibility of wrongdoing. Neither of them had more than a 5th grade education, and their command of the English language was very limited.
The avoidance of responsibility has an origin point and it is to some extent outside of a person’s control;
maturity, life experience, and confidence-building can change this somewhat, but people will sometimes have a ‘default reaction’ to adversity. This is not an excuse but an explanation that can help shed a light on the root cause of behavior.
I have seen a close friend spend vast sums of money on expensive clothes, overpriced jewelry and lavish vacations, and her husband went right along with her. All expenses were placed on high-interest credit
cards, and rarely was the principle reduced.
This went on for a while until they jointly filed bankruptcy before divorcing.
She was (and is) generally a very responsible person, and has never hesitated to help me out when I needed it.
In fact, I have lost count of the times that she pointed out to me my own ‘blame-shifting.’
But in terms of delayed gratification, she is more averse to the concept than Dracula is to sunlight.
Now, I am not a mental health professional, nor do I portray one on TV, but I think that part of this problem could be explained thusly:
IPIR >> The acronym for an Irrational Presumption of Infinite Resources.
I have seen it and experienced it myself > the emotional gratification that comes from buying goods and services NOW (as opposed to saving up and waiting) is quite intoxicating.
It is so intoxicating that it leads a person to presume that resources (earnings, saving and credit) are practically
infinite when in reality they are painfully limited. This is magnified when it comes to OTHER peoples’ money/assets.
One example > we met once a day before her payday. We stopped off @ a pharmacy on the way to her residence, and she needed to pick up a few things.
She bought large volumes of items that in my opinion were not only needless but wasteful.
When she looked over the bill in the car, she realized that the trip to the pharmacy, combined with some other expenses was GREATER than her paycheck. In the course of one day, she spent EVERYTHING she earned
and then some and did not have another paycheck coming in for two weeks.
Has this happened to me? Of course, I am so far from perfect that I amaze myself with my own survival. However, for her this seems to have been a recurring
pattern.
My new focus is debt reduction > I get a paycheck, and then pay down debt until I realize I am running
painfully low. I then curtail expenditures down to the most critical, and wait for the next pay period.
I also run spreadsheets that measure how much I owe, when I could reasonalby drive the balance to zero and how much is needed EACH WEEK to reach that goal. I also use similar sheets for IRA contributions, retirement accumulations and next year I will use one for my HSA.
A great deal of our lives is about limits > the limits we place on ourselves (“it’s not my fault so why bother trying”) and the limits we cannot escape (i.e., hours in a day, the size of your paycheck, etc.).
First focus on your own limits, work towards exceeding them, while simultaneously recognizing the limits about
which you can do little. It’s a start.
loading....