Peer Pressure and Money: Do You Spend Differently with Friends?
Published on - August 11th, 2009 (by J.D. Roth) 
This is a guest post from Neal Frankle, a Certified Financial Planner and the blogger at The Wealth Pilgrim. Neal is a potential Staff Writer for Get Rich Slowly. His first post explored the benefits of starting a side business. For background on Neal’s personal story, check out his recent article about how he went from homeless to homeowner.
Have you ever sat down at a restaurant, reviewed the menu, wanted to leave but stayed anyway? Did you stay because you didn’t want anybody to think you were a cheap tight-wad?
Did you ever go shopping with a friend and bought clothes that were too expensive? Did you do this because you didn’t want your friends to think less of you?
Did you buy the wrong car because you felt pressure to make an impression on the friend who went shopping with you?
Do you avoid going shopping or dining with other people specifically because you hate being in these situations?
If so you aren’t alone. I struggle with these problems too.
Several years ago I went clothes shopping with some buddies and found myself in that situation exactly. I wanted to upgrade my wardrobe, and since these guys were pretty smart dressers, I asked them to take me out for a shopping man-date.
They are great guys so of course they were only too happy to help me out. They took me to all the stores that they shop at and we found some really neat items. I tried the suits on. I have to admit it…..I liked the way I looked in them. I tried on one particular Zegna suit that was especially snappy. I felt like a million bucks in it. But then when I saw the price tag, I just about had an aneurism.
I was scared and frustrated. I wanted to run for the nearest Ross Dress for Less I could find but when I saw my buddies giving me the thumbs up, I felt trapped. I worked up the best fake smile I could, unleashed my credit card, and took the suit home.
As it turns out, I’m glad I bought the suit and I still love it to this day. But the point is, I was definitely out of my comfort zone. And rather than say anything, I spent money I didn’t want to spend because I didn’t want my buddies to think less of me.
That suit cost me a lot of money and self-esteem. I felt weak because I didn’t have the grit to tell my friends I didn’t want to spend that much money. What could I have done differently?
- I could have been honest with my friends when I first asked for their help. I should have communicated what my comfort level was before we went shopping. When I think about the money these guys make and the professions they are in (both are actors) I should have realized that we define “expensive” differently. (Actually, these guys don’t really have a definition of expensive). I should have thought about the kind of money they spend on clothes and I should have told them what my limits were.
- I should have been honest with myself. Part of the reason I wanted these guys to take me shopping was to show them what a big spender I was. I didn’t realize this at the time, but thinking back, it’s very clear to me what my real motives were. Had I spent a few moments to think about it, I would have understood this immediately and possibly done it differently.
Trying to impress somebody is a lie. It’s inauthentic and it’s dumb. Why should I try so hard to get other people to like a person that isn’t really me? It makes no sense.
I believe that if I take these steps in the future, I won’t find myself in this kind of awkward and dishonest situation again. But even if I blow it and wind up back in that clothing store (or equivalent thereof), the solution is still the same — honesty.
I think it’s better to admit that I made a little mistake quickly than continue to lie and make a bigger one.
I’m a bit of a people pleaser by nature. The process I described above is sometimes difficult for me. I’m getting better at it even though I haven’t mastered it yet.
Do you struggle with this issue? Do you spend money differently when you are around certain people? How have you dealt with this?
Photo by Danielle Blue.
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I’ve been struggling with this exactly problem lately…although not with friends, really, but with coworkers.
I recently relocated for a job, and even though it’s to a similarly-priced city, I left my roommate and frugal friends behind. I expect the resulting increase in rent/utilities, but what I didn’t expect was that my food costs have more than DOUBLED since I moved.
I do cook at home quite often, and bring my lunch nearly every day. But when you’re new to a city AND new to a team at work, you can’t turn down every invitation for dinner or lunch out. The few times I’ve hesitated or suggested alternatives, I’ve been called “cheap”…and this is from people who earn a similar salary to mine, so they think if they can afford it I can, too. With friends, it’s easy for me to be honest and talk about my savings goals and spending plans…with coworkers, it’s much more difficult.
The difference in environment really rang true for me a few weeks ago, when I visited some friends in my hometown. I picked out a restaurant on-I thought!-the less expensive end for our reunion, but several of them told me it was out of their price range. I was annoyed at first, until I realized it was ME that had changed so much. Wow.
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Thankfully, I have friends who are at the same level as I. All of us when we go out as a group, prefer eating out at decent restaurants (where a regular entree costs not more than 15-16$). And I have never been in a situation like that. With clothes, yes I am tempted to buy the brands and the works. Its okay to indulge once in a while too. But, again I shop during sales and if I have to be able to afford ‘Nordstorm’ or ‘Bebe’ clothes, I wait until I get a decent price. If not, I think GAP, Kohl’s do have stuff that can look gorgeous especially if you one knows how to accesorize!
I would not spend a fortune on clothes just because I am obligated to. Its important to be frank about your economic status. You are the one who pays the bills and not the friends.
On the other side, why did’nt you go return the clothes the next day when your friends weren’t there? Its other thing that you felt awesome in that:) but if it was going to add more debt that I would be cautious
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I’ve been having this issue but related to bringing items to share to a casual dinner party. My friends mostly make more money than I do (like 2-3x more), but I don’t feel pressure to keep up in terms of material goods or eating in nice restaurants. But they like to have dinner parties, and I have a hard time sticking to a budget when I have to bring something to contribute. I feel like if I don’t bring wine or something special to eat, my friends will start to think I’m mooching off their hospitality. Really I’m just trying to keep to a budget when I don’t have time to cook a dish. How can I explain this without sounding defensive or apologetic about my disposable income?
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I don’t recreationally shop. But I have a mother in law, sister in law, sister, and couple colleagues that do. So yes have had the experience of buying something I wouldn’t have normally but did after having someone go “you HAVE to get that! It looks PERFECT on you!!” or “you deserve it you work so hard!” or other nonsense, or times where I would leave a favorite store of their choosing and the person would seem hurt I didn’t buy something.
I’ve loosened up a bit and the people who know me know I’m not much of a “shopper”, and who knows maybe because of the economy people seem more sympathetic to my beliefs.
Oh yes, I do have a story with my mil where at a store, tried on a black jersey dress and it was extremely flattering but more than I would spend ($70?). She said it would be a shame if I didn’t get it and so I was swayed and did. And I’m glad I did; there have been many times I needed something nice to wear and the dress saved me.
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I firmly believe that if your friends are truly FRIENDS, they won’t care what you spend. Fact is, I suddenly find myself in a much better position than most of my friends, my husband and I are still working while many, many friends are unemployed or have spouses who are unemployed. Recently my good friend told me proudly that she hadn’t used her corkscrew since my last visit (over a month before) and I asked her if she stopped drinking wine–she laughed and replied “No! I buy my wine in boxes now!” And then we proceeded to have a great evening with boxed wine and a frozen pizza. We continue to be creative about spending time without spending money. Break out the board games!!!
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Cookie (55)–Sometimes it’s a relief to friends when we “come out of the closet” with our frugality. A lot of people are needing to watch the nickels and dimes these days, appearances notwithstanding.
This is a situation where it may pay to be a leader!
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I feel the pressure when a salesperson has been working me for a while. I feel like I owe it to them at that point to give them the sale (and possibly the $$$ if they are commission-based) because they are at least somewhat deserving after spending valuable time with me as opposed to another potential customer who might have made a purchase. It’s harder for me to decide *against* buying something from their store when a live human being has been sincerely helping me; on the flip side, it’s much easier to walk away guilt-free when there is minimal personal involvement and I’ve been doing all the browsing solo.
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LOL! I used to hang around with a woman who had a million-dollar appetite on a ten-cent pocketbook. She also had a credit card.
When we would go shopping, we’d head straight for the designer department at Saks. She would buy designer outfits–NOT on sale–like they were thrift-store specials. Being the malleable type, I would end up trying some of the stuff on and ultimately (because it DID look good on me) buying far more than I could afford.
Then when I got it home, I’d think “what on EARTH were you doing?” And I’d wrap the stuff up and take it right back to the store.
This would give me the social shopping experience at, unknown to my friend, no cost.
Often the stuff I’d returned after having bought it at full price would later show up on the sale rack. At the sale prices, I could afford it. I still have a couple of outfits acquired in that roundabout way…she has no idea I didn’t pony up the full price for them.
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This is a huge problem/issue for me. THANKS for talking about it.
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I do this more often than not with restaurants, especially with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I tend to pay for them. It’s not that bad because it doesn’t occur too often. Plus, it seems like good manners to me.
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I’ve found that friends I have that make more seem to use me, at least seems that way to me. When dining out with them or meeting for a drink & snacks, they want to split the whole bill. Fine, if they were frugal like I have to be, but they make more money & splurge on fancy drinks & expensive food, then expect me to split it with them, when I clearly don’t order the more expensive things. Is think each should pay for their own choices, but they think this is being a cheapskate. I have no answer for it as yet, other than not going.
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This comment has to do with all of the audition posts so far. Not one of the posts has interested me at all.
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I think there is a huge temptation to spend more when you are out with friends because you don’t want to be seen as holding the rest of the group back when you are out socializing. People tend to hand out with others in their own income bracket, but I have several friends and family members who earn large sums of money (including a couple of actual millionaires). It just doesn’t make any sens for me to try to keep up with their spending. There is no way I could do it, and it wouldn’t make any sense. This hasn’t been an issue for us, largely because they have simple tastes and enjoy doing a lot of the same things I do, and those things don’t require either of us to spend a lot of money.
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Unfortunately, I agree with Jordan (#62).
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I also have this problem at work. My department does lots of activities together, ALL of which involve spending money. Whether it is going to a hotel for the weekend or going out to eat, they expect all department members to attend. But it’s really expensive! I make less than most of them and almost all have husbands who are in a financial position to give them them money if they have none. I’m not married and live at home to save money and this habit of theirs is driving me crazy. The one woman who even suggested that, since she was getting married in 3 weeks, couldn’t afford to go out with us, got so much flack for it that I’m not even sure now how to let them know that I don’t have the money. Further more, I’d prefer to use that money to go out with my actual friends.
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The worst for me is when I went out to bars with my friends. I would have a drink or two. They’d be pounding back shot after shot after (expensive!!) shot. At the end of the night, hey! let’s split the bill evenly. Anywhere we went, bills were split evenly, with no regard to who ordered a tiny salad and who got the filet.
I have since stopped hanging out with that crowd. My good friends and I like to just sit around, watch bad kung fu movies, and drink beer. Good times, though we do splurge on the good beer.
Of course, all of my frugality goes out the window when one of my family members wistfully sighs that they’d love that new dress/expensive sushi dinner/random thing. I won’t do any of that for myself, but I am a sucker for them and they know it.
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Friends make SUCH a big difference on how you spend and save money. Hanging out with wealthy friends definitely makes me spend more on food and random things. I have a friend who asked me to bring home a $6,000 IWC watch he bought overseas. I was smitten, and proceed to buy my own $6,500 watch the very next week! I sold it to a colleague, and then proceeded to buy 3 more rare watches for a total of $25,000! I did sell one for a $1,500 profit (Rolex Daytona Cosmograph stainless steel), another I kept and am wearing now, and the other I just returned for store credit.
If my friend wasn’t into watches, I would NEVER dream of spending more than $500 bucks on a watch! Rich friends blow holes in people’s budgets. Beware!
Rgds,
RB
RB30RB40
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At my high school reunion, I told everyone I was “trying to find myself while in between jobs” and still mooching off the parents just for kicks. So, no, peer pressure doesn’t do much for me.
But I grew up dirt poor and was mocked for it on a regular basis, so I learned at a young age to not care about other people’s opinions.
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I am in a peer pressure situation right now.
My girlfriend’s mother’s 60th birthday is coming up and the family wants everyone to go away on a weekend trip. I calculated that such a trip would cost me just shy of 100€ (that’s about 140$). That’s almost as much as I spend on food for a month (130€). Me, I have money saved up so technically I wouldn’t have problems paying that. It’s just that I don’t want to. To me, that’s just an unreasonable amount of money. I know I’ll have to bring it up but I’m hesitant because of the s**t storm I expect it to cause.
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@Neal: didn’t you ask those friends along because you knew deep down that they would push you out of your comfort zone? That way, you could ‘blame’ them for persuading you to do something you really wanted to do, but needed a little push for.
With regards to the dinners-out with friends: we usually all pay for ourselves and go to inexpensive restaurants.
Last year, I quit my job to go back to University. My old colleagues had a dinner a few months after that and invited me along. I talked to the organizer about my finances and we agreed that I would pay for myself and that the rest would share the bill. I had fries and a coke. As the rest were drinking cocktails and specialty beers, this saved me around €30 ($45)!
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This happens all the time when I get drinks with my differnt groups of friends. In one group someone always grabs the bull by the horn and just gets the first round for everyone, regardless of size of group. With another group of friends, it becomes an akward moment early where each person voices what we should do (People being honest that they dont want to buy for the group). And with another group, the moment we walk in the bar, everyone disperses and we meet up 10 minutes later, everyone with a drink in their own hand. Group dichotomies at their finest!
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LOL! I have a friend who is uber-frugal. I spent an afternoon with her at the mall and we dug around the cooler at a couple stores in order to find a big diet beverage for 99-cents, then walked the rest of the time. Had I been alone or with anyone else, I would’ve happily sat and paid to eat
When I’m out with this same friend at a bar, we drink whatever is on special. Period. I don’t bother with most drink specials when by myself or with others.
So I think I need to spend more time with her because I come away having a blast but without spending much or any money at all. She’s a good type of friend to have.
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I think that everyone to some extent responds to peer pressure. Especially when stuck in situations such as this where you go out shopping or dinner with a few friends.
It can be worse if you have kids and say you and your buddy go out to the ball game with the little ones. Your friend buys his kid a jersey at the stadium, and your kid likes it, and wants you to buy him one too, but you know you can get it much cheaper at the local sports store or online. Yet your kid is insistent and your friend sees this and says something like, “give the kid a break he’s a fan.” If you don’t buy it you’ll look like a cheapskate in front of you friend and to your kid as well.
Situations like these are really tough to deal with.
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I really hate it when that happens. How have you dealt with those kinds of situations in the past?
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@Tyler #33:
“One person shuffles the cards under the table, and hands the stack of cards off to someone else who deals, one card at a time, last card left in the stack pays for lunch.”
I’m sure your friends wouldn’t do this, but for any con man worth his salt it’s easy to mark their card and ensure it’s in the middle of the stack so they don’t end up paying. If they only do this once out of 6 times, it cuts their bill by 17% over time. If they “shuffle” every time, they never pay!
I’d recommend cutting out the payment game, and pay only for what you eat and drink.
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I really liked this post. You can tell it comes from the heart, and it really resonates with a lot of people because they’ve experienced this problem in some form. Keep up the good work, and I hope you get the staff writing position!
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Jo #53, I’m starting to have this problem with my family. We like to go out to eat and lately my dad or my brother will pick up the check since they make good money in a strong industry. Last time my sister’s bf picked it up – he’s not in the same field but is similarly secure and well compensated. Now there’s no way my husband and I could afford to reciprocate, and I don’t think my family would expect it of us, but now I feel like a bit of a mooch and like there’s nothing I can offer of anything like comparable value (ie I can’t cook, have no unique skills etc). Used to be I could always host, but now dad & sis both have new houses in the same area, and ours comes up way short. It’s a yucky feeling.
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@ 10: Just want to defend ross(and stores like it). They have some great name brands for cheap prices. Obviously not an extensive section of mens’ suits, but ya can’t look down on a place that sells great women’s brands @ a portion of the price.
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I used to work in a shoe store. I knew when customers were making a dumb purchase of uncomfy shoes that they’d regret later. (Well… at least, if I were them, I’d regret it. It turns out I have an unusually low tolerance for shoe-related discomfort.) I could see they were not all that comfortable. But, I was on commission, and it was their choice. I tried not to pressure, inasmuch as one can do that with a boss lurking over who pressures you to do the pressuring.
When women would come in (it was an all-women’s shoe store) with their friends, they made much better choices. They probably also purchased more often. But they didn’t buy uncomfortable shoes, ever. They also looked better in the shoes they did buy. Probably, if they were browsing with others in tow, they only asked to try on shoes they were truly interested in buying (whereas the shoe salesgirl’s worst nightmare is the woman who wants to play triesies on 6 different pairs, or more, with no intention to buy — no joke).
#62 + #64 — can you explain why not?
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I make a *point* of being a cheapskate around my friends. Those people who mock me for it don’t stay in my social circle for very long, and the rest tend to come to me for financial advice.
If you can’t help but give in to peer pressure, make sure you’re associating with the right peers.
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Solomon (80)–You’re raising a crucial issue. We need to be LEADERS in our social circles, especially when it comes to doing the right thing.
None of us need to be cowering in fear of what our friends might think of us if we dare to reveal that we can’t afford to keep up with what may be nothing more than a spending contest.
Going along to get along is a poor way to live life.
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First, I work in a very nice wine store as my “get rich slowly” second job, and I find that being honest up front serves people well. When customers come in and start off with, “I’m looking for a bottle of wine for $15 or less” followed by a description, it really helps our staff find a bottle that is right for them. If your friends are truely friends, then starting off with how much you want to spend, will set the tone for an appropriate spending adventure. You can smartly dress on any budget especially if you have friends with a keen eye for putting things together.
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Hi Neal, I liked this post, to clarify a small medical point though, the correct spelling is “aneurysm”, and having an aneurysm is not necessarily much of a problem unless it ruptures, you might have one now for all you know… But I knew what you meant.
I was in a similar situation specifically one time, all my friends are frugal like I am, but I was out with my husband’s friend who is a big shopper. She was purchasing this and that at the mall and I got tired of just walking with her and watching her buy things, so I started buying things too. Very unusual for me since I usually shop at the Salvation Army and so anything for over $15 gives me sticker shock, clothingwise. She seemed pleased and said “quinsy, I never knew you were so into shopping.” Well, I’m not… I got home and realized my mistake, and that I already had plenty of clothes, and that I could buy similar things just as easily at Salvation Army for $5. I snuck back to the mall the next day and returned everything.
I think if you realize you’ve made an error, be sure to hang on the receipts and you can always return items so you don’t lose face right in front of your friends (if like me you were silly enough not to just stick to being frugal all along). Also, if you end up at a restaurant that’s too expensive, you can split a meal with your spouse or say “oh, what a shame, I just ate or I’m not feeling well right now, so I’m just going to stick to a soup or salad.”
For those commenting just to say that “they’re not interested in any of these posts.” What are you doing on this blog then? This is the kind of thing we talk about. If you don’t like it, move on. Or at least provide constructive feedback about what you would like to see on the blog. Come on.
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Quinsy,
Thanks……I used spell check but maybe I should upgrade to a better version!
I appreciate your point. I wrote this article about an isolated event that happened several years ago. Your story is similar to my own. This type of thing can happen to most any of us.
To your point. I find it fascinating when a few folks find little value in certain posts. I have enjoyed all the guest posts. Even though I may not relate to the specific example of each writer, I certainly have learned something from each one – and even more from the comments.
Having said that….it’s not a point I’ll argue. To each his/her own. But I agree with your sentiments….
I really think that’s the true “gold” at GRS.
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