Accumulation and Attachment: Finding Balance

“You can be happy for those who are more fortunate when you feel that your own life is abundant.”

I especially like this line because the post notes that abundance is more a state of mind than status or possessions. Envy is often a motivating factor for people, but I think we’re happier if we’re intrinsically motivated to do things.

I try to rethink why I am holding on to some things. I recently got rid of souvenirs from a trip from 30 years ago. It was an important trip- life changing perhaps- but I realized that these souvenirs I had (not on view) would serve a better purpose elsewhere(or at least to someone else who seemed to want these things). I have no problem giving away clothing or most books. My problem is my husband who can’t give anything away- we have loads of old VHS tapes he doesn’t ever touch, record albums(originally he told me once they were MP3s- we could get rid of them- then he changed his mind), old financial records back to the 70s, his dead parents financial records(and neither they nor we are financiers or have any reason to hold onto this stuff), old clothing he can’t fit into. He is diagnosed OCD so I know it is a problem. However, when we leave our large house in a few years-either the stuff goes- or he goes with it.

This is easily one of the best posts I’ve ever read on this site… I’ve been a long time reader, and enjoy most posts here, but this one really stood out to me. Thanks!

I really like this – One of the things I love best about GRS is that the issue is constantly addressed the money and PF is so much more than just “bad head choices” – most of our spending decisions are emotional (attachment-based – be it to the objects themselves or the “idea” of ourselves that owning them projects…)
Great article, April!

I clean out my garage and storage spaces periodically and think “why was I holding on to this?” At some point some things held value in my life. I was recently going through some boxes my parents brought me from my child hood. It had all my baseball card collectors magazines and other things I viewed as important. I kept a few things, like programs from Braves baseball and Carolina basketball games, but most of it went in the recycling – not sure why I wanted to keep a baseball card price guide from 1985 – LOL!

But the other day I was at a very large mall in the area. I was looking at all the stuff. I asked my Mom, “Who buys all the stuff?” When we were in the shoe section I looked around at the people buying shoes to see what shoes they were currently shopping in – it was mostly tennis shoes, casual loafers, and flip flops. So why are they buying all these boots and dressy shoes? Do people wear them that much to work? These people didn’t look like they had dressy jobs. You only go to church once a week and most people don’t go to that many parties. I just don’t know who is buying all this stuff and what it is for?

I really love your blog and the principles you teach. Keep it coming!

This was a great post, thanks. I am in the process of decluttering and am trying to keep only items that we actually use and love. We don’t have tons of stuff, but we do have a lot that we just don’t use or love and that really needs to go. It’s so much nicer seeing a closet less full, but fully functional than a closet stuffed full but hardly ever used.

This week, while I was on vacation, my roommate called about a leak. He didn’t track it down and thought it had mostly stopped… but it didn’t the next day, my other roommate found the leak and turned off the pump. So… 12 hours of running water in my basement!

Most of the damage was in the stacks and stacks of cardboard boxes sitting around. Many were the boxes things were shipped in, including some huge boxes for living room speakers and folding chairs. Some of the boxes were the retail packages I couldn’t let go of. (Sometimes I’d use them for resale online, which raises their perceived value.)

As I carried all these boxes outside to get rid of, some things became very clear. I am a consumer whore. And I hold onto a lot of useless stuff. When I woke up this morning and watched the trash men take all those boxes away, I felt only relief!

As for the rest of the stuff, it’s scattered on the floor of the dry, finished half of my basement. I refuse to put it back into “storage” until it is at least organized and has a designated future purpose. (Lots of computer parts that aren’t quite obsolete but only useful if they are assembled and given to someone to actually use!)

As upset as I could be about a water leak, I think I’ve kept any permanent damage to a very minimum, and got a very nice forced cleansing process out of this event. This is just another challenge that I emerge from stronger and happier!

Great post. My wife is a master declutterer and she is finally rubbing off on me. I have dug into a lot of the things that I thought that I held dear, only to wonder why I was so attached. A lot of things have been given away to someone who could really use it or who would enjoy it. I feel a lot more liberated not having to worry about these things anymore.

I am not finished cleaning up yet, but my decades of being a packrat are behind me. I do feel as though a burden has been lifted. Although I may not have the item anymore, the memories of it are still there. Only time can take that away from me. And I am not going down without a fight!

I like stuff. There’s no doubt about it, and I don’t try to inherently change this fact. But I can control it, and we have done so successfully enough to become debt-free (except the house) and enjoy a reasonable lifestyle.

That said, I do not have a heavy attachment to our “things” and I think this comes from the clear priorites we have set in our household and our lives. My wife and I know and are both fully aware and fully supportive of our common priorities.

God first, our marriage second, our kids third, our other family fourth, then everything else. We keep this at the forefront of our minds when we make decisions, and we are accountable to one another to ensure it always remains this way.

Excellent post and thoughtful comments. The questions at the end are important. As a longtime yoga practitioner, mindfulness is an essential part of my day and I do try to observe my actions and reactions.

It’s very helpful to use this practice as it does tend to make our true values clear, and identify the habits we really need to change to be true to those values.

I am gradually conquering attachment but like some others above, am attached to a spouse who is not as far along the path. To be frank, he’s not even ON the path! So part of the practice is to let him be who he is. Until and unless his “stuff” creeps into our common space, the space we both say we want to keep open and beautiful, I may recommend or suggest or request, but I don’t demand or nag or insist.

We have both gotten control of our spending, so now it’s just a question of managing the stuff we already have. Over time, there will be less of it, I’m sure.

@Will – I obsess over my collection of jewelry & art supplies, particularly beads. It’s shocking. I don’t allow myself to buy anything unless I’ve finished a project within the preceding month!

I know we normally don’t talk religion on Get Rich Slowly, but everything in this post covered all the topics included in the pastor’s homily at my local church last Sunday. Just sayin’… he said that material possessions are not necessarily bad, it is simply the attachment you have to them that is dangerous.

great insights here April!

I just forwarded this to some friends who i think will understand.

Just yesterday I got an unexpected and pretty large bill — and for a few hours I was really obsessing about the check I was going to have to write. But, I really worked at talking to myself about the reality that I have the money and spending it wasn’t going to materially change my life, just the balance in one bank account. In the end, I’m OK about this expense, partly because I can afford it, but also because I’m getting better at non-attachment to all of my possessions — including cash!

“If you try to excessively control your money and obsess about every penny, you aren’t much better off than the person who spends with abandon to improve their social status.”

This bit really speaks to me, because there was a time not too long ago where I did this… I was obsessive and fawned over every penny and shoveled it all into a savings account and heaven forbade I spent any of it.

Thankfully, I woke up and realized that I was hoarding money that I could spend, not the money that needed to be saved. So I found out that buying something I wanted wasn’t mean or horrible or awful or against financial sense, it was what money’s actually for.

Just this month, I spent most of my personal savings on a dress for an upcoming wedding (but can be worn for much more than just that), a new coat, a tote bag and another car shirt. Yeah, much of it was gone and it was a bit of a crazy shopping spree for me, but it’s all stuff that I adore. The money didn’t make me happy or add any sort of value to my life, other than net worth, which I don’t currently track. Instead, I have this awesome coat that I get to wear, a tote bag that can hold crazy amounts of stuff, a dress that fits like a glove and a shirt that shows my support for a specific movement of sorts in the car community.

I like the concept in comment #29. It’s pretty much how I am with cars. I sacrifice quantity of clothes for quality, so that overall I can spend more on my babies. (I mean, I’m a girl after all, and I still like clothes… That I can’t get rid of!)

What a great post. One of the best descriptions I’ve read on non-attachment. I try to cultivate it by asking myself, “what am I holding on to that no longer serves my values, my life, my growth.” It works for both inner and outer non-attachment, but it’s definitely a lifelong journey. And when I start to find myself being pulled into the drama of attachment, I try to tell myself, “just let it go.”

Excellent post. It is amazing to find real Wisdom in Eastern texts such as Bhagavad Gita as It is, Upanishads etc.

My life has changed soo much and I only feel happier.

Just an incident related to your post. I sold my E class, a jewel that I bought brand new few yrs ago (paid cash, wasn’t a financial issue). The buyer asked me how I felt parting with it. I had to make up something..like I’m sad (usual emotion). But I was so relieved after it got sold, much happier in Mazda 3. I can mention so many related incidents.

Eventually one has to part with all this “Excess baggage” that we get obsessed with.

Thanks for an enlightening post.

Vic

Thanks for this post! I really appreciate it especially after some recent posts here and elsewhere that seem to push minimalism (and frugality) for its own sake.

I agree with the above poster — the name of the game is really LIFE MAXIMIZATION.

Thus it is that I can choose to spend on certain things, and not spend elsewhere. It reminds me that as great as debt free and a healthy bank balance are, neither of them define ME. Any more than my possessions do. If I choose to spend money and accept that my bank balance will be lower than it otherwise would be, that is perfectly fine — so long as the money spent is furthering my life according to what I value.

Which is why I indulge in the luxury of a personal trainer. I’ve found that for me, joining a gym and hiring a personal trainer has made 1000% difference, rather than trying to go it alone, with a pair of sneakers and cheap home equipment. NOT a frugal choice — but it’s done crazy good things for me. For me, it’s money well spent.

And it keeps my home free of exercise clutter. I let the gym worry about the equipment.

Great post! Get’s to the core of the issue of too much accumulation. The older I get the more I realize more possessions don’t bring happiness. And often they create their own bondage because you need to protect, fix, store, clean them, etc.

As has been said here the issue isn’t about the possessions but understanding what is important in your life to make you happy and fulfilled. In other words truly wealthy.

Your point about giving is right on. When we give to others, who have less than us, it sets us free from the tyranny of our possessions. And brings it’s own joy.

Thanks for the thoughts.

When I feel extremely satisfied and grateful for everything in the money way, and don’t feel lack for anything – THAT’S when more money and abundance comes rolling in – it’s really weird.

It’s like the universe is saying, “well…you seem to be handling what you have very well, so I think you can handle some more”.

@Alice, maintaining your stuff isn’t the same as obsessing about stuff. I expect comments in this regard are largely tongue-in-cheek. Obv, we are all here reading about PF etc., so we’re not holed up at home fondling our treasures (I hope! LOL), so none of us is actually, literally obsessing about our stuff!

I may be mistaken, but the point I took was that of maximizing the enjoyment/value inherent in our stuff, and not accumulating stuff for its own sake. If something has value, then it’s not Stuff, it’s a tool or a pleasure. The minimalist/frugalist ethos just asks us to restrain ourselves from accumulating more than we can use or enjoy.

GREAT, great post, April. Very thought-provoking.

When I was right out of college I overheard a women in a cafe say that she wanted to be the exact same person even if her house burned down and she lost all her possessions. Over twenty years later, that concept is still with me… To me, your life is maximized when all things in it serve to increase, or at least maintain, your happiness levels. What those “things” are will very widely from person to person, but that framework has helped me decide when to say “Enough Stuff” and to create financial balance in my life.

Thanks again for this delightful piece!

The benefits of giving to me, are endless. Besides the financail end (tax deductions) it is just a “feel good” kind of thing.

It shouldn’t be underestimated

I recently discovered a way to wean myself from clothes and things that I don’t need/don’t use:

I ask myself when was the last time I wore/used/looked at it.

I tell myself that the local charity thrift shop could use the money it would bring if they sold it.

I add that some person out there would really enjoy this item.

Last, I put these things in my car in bags, allow myself to ride around with them in the back seat for a few days, then on donation day if I haven’t even thought about them (which I don’t) I drop them off to be resold.

It’s painless!

You’ve struck an emotional nerve I’m sure.I’m a professional organizer and my approach does the choice rgd.’ things support your life in a healthy way.The non- attachment philosphy is right-on.When the financial and material no longer control us we find freedom to enjoy our life.I do empathize I come from a family of collectors.
Thanks for all the insight!