Ask the Readers: How Do You Handle Peer Pressure?

I echo the question noted in some of the comments, “How did Rob’s co-worker(s) know he didn’t have a TV?” Whether you meant to or not, you could have come off as preachy with an “*I* don’t watch TV” response and that’s why your co-workers tease. Or, your coworkers could just be jerks. Or, you have thin skin and can’t take what they think is just good-natured ribbing.

I flipped over from this article on Google reader just to peruse the comments. It amazes me how the one extreme of the co-workers’ teasing about no TV can be met with the other extreme, suggesting TV watchers are just pawns of… the man, giant corporations, etc. To me, this isn’t any better than the co-workers teasing Rob about his lack of owning a TV.

I own a TV and subscribe to cable. Sometimes I watch it, sometimes I don’t, but it’s a luxury I’m willing to pay for at this stage in my life. I like coming home, grabbing a beer, and watching Monday night football. I like watching Tony Bourdain travel the world and picking up tips I could incorporate into my own cooking. I love that my husband and I came home from dinner the other night, popped in Season 1 of the Simpsons, and watched Bart in France while enjoying a bottle of sub-par French wine (very apropos, we thought), and laughed our butts off. I’m pretty sure I’ll remember that, just as I remember when I watched the original episode with my Dad, in the floor of the apartment he lived in after he and my mom divorced, and he taped it on VHS so we could watch it over and over again. I also remember curling up on the porch one night with my husband to watch Casablanca on his laptop. Those are all wonderful memories for me that revolved around some form of TV.

On the other hand, I do love to read. Fictional fluff, non-fiction, cookbooks, whatever. Not all books are intellectually stimulating. Some are more brain candy than the TV shows I watch. My husband and I have, on occasion, read a book together, taking turns reading to each other. Other than that, it’s a pretty solitary activity. And a costly activity if you aren’t utilizing the library, which I rarely do. It’s a bad habit, I know.

This is my long-winded way of saying I can understand both sides, keeping the TV out, or plopping down to enjoy an episode or three. What I don’t understand is the need for people to vilify someone or vilify an activity because it’s not what he/she does for enjoyment. I’m not sure when that became okay, though it seems to be the norm.

I’m lucky that my co-workers are extremely varied in their interests and backgrounds, so no one really teases each other about these kinds of things. My friends sometimes look at me like I’m crazy when I explain something I’ve done over the weekend, but they don’t make snide comments. My family has teased me about my bookworm-ish tendencies, but they tease me about *everything*. That’s how I grew up.

If your co-workers are being bullies, then it’s really not worth wasting thought and effort over. Maybe you make a snide comment if that shuts them up, maybe you just don’t react and that shuts them up. Pick up a copy of “Working with Difficult People” and see how it suggests you deal with the type of people you’re dealing with. If it’s good-natured ribbing, joke with them, or tell them this one has gotten a little old, can’t they come up with a new routine.

If all else fails, just be secure in the fact that you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, and you know it works for you and your family. Like Kristin (#7) said above, she’s going to be debt free, and she’ll get a new car in 2015. That means no knot in the pit of her stomach while she tries to figure out how to pay that extra car payment and no sky high insurance right now, not to mention closing in on paying off student loans. Knowing those facts makes her happy, no matter what someone said to her about her current car.

I wonder why Rob feels defensive or why he feels hurt when he hears the jokes and comments. Does he feel his efforts at frugality have entailed real sacrifices he regrets making? Is it just feeling he’s outside the norm and not part of the “in” crowd?

If it’s the latter, Rob should get back to understanding that “normal” may not be good for his finances. That “normal” could rob his family of the freedom to make other, more important financial decisions. And that he should gain more comfort, especially from everyone’s comments here, that not being “normal” is working well for him. How should he respond? He shouldn’t try to evangelize. Jokes to defuse the situation are good, “Yeah, heh, too rich for a cheapskate like me…” If his co-workers are trumpeting their latest Consumer Trophy, he shouldn’t rain on their parade.

As for TV, which has become pretty contentious here, he’s already put the cards out on the table that he doesn’t watch. That should preclude asking him if he’s watched some show. However, if he just cuts off the conversation with “I don’t have a TV”, that doesn’t help his relationship with his peers. If he simply says, “No, but what happened?” or something similar, the conversation continues.

While the TV isn’t going the way of the typewriter any time in the next decade, it’s certainly the reality that the TV audience is extremely fragmented, so the old model of everyone watching The One Big Show each night has been long gone. I’ve certainly encountered the “you are a weirdo for not having a TV” in the past, mainly for shutting down the conversation with “I don’t have a TV”. These days, we have a TV, but now I can simply say that my TV is primarily on for kids’ programming. That usually gets an understanding response.

If it’s the former, that he feels regret over the sacrifices made in his efforts at frugality, Rob really needs to sit down and go over the realities of his particular financial situation, what he and his family finds truly rewarding and memorable, the goals they have in mind and ensure that what he’s doing now matches up with that.

Oh my goodness – I didn’t think I get to the end of the posts… so here I am at 156!

For everyone ahead of me and bringing up the rear, and to JD great post …..

IT’s Not About You! Stand strong, giggle a little, and Have a Happy Day

Simple… just respond to them with this one liner:

WHAT WOULD WARREN BUFFET DO?

Buffet is worth $40 billion dollars, and is pretty darn frugal… he lives in the same house he bought in 1957, drives and old car, and wears old suits.

Tell them that you’re goal is to be more like Warren Buffet… and the only way there is wise saving, and wise investments. Neither of which involve TV or video games.

We don’t have a TV either and really don’t miss it. We have a decent 19″ computer monitor that we use when watching videos – which we rarely do.
My phone is a 3 years old Nokia N95 that I just HAD to get when it was released. The mandatory subscription was 6 months but the hardest work was to cancel the the 80USD/md subscription when changing to a cheaper telephone company. Sometimes I want to purchase a new phone but then I read a few comments on this site and loose the interest in new gadgets

if my friends are trying to make me sway from goals and principals that i have set for myself, financially or otherwise, i just ignore them and start the often uncomfortable process of re-evaluating those relationships. While most of the times i end up breaking unhealthy relations(which makes it a somewhat lonely road for me), i am always the winner how stands alone having the last laugh. I only need to compare my financial goals and other things that i have achieved while my friends are still in bloody gadget wars to know that i am on the right track

i have this same issue at work – i drive a crap car – but it mostly gets me from a to b – but that allows me to pay more down on my debt… this year as part of my education plan i went to germany to finish off my degree… and took two months off work to do so… i was able to pay for my trip just with the money i saved pre-trip, and not having a pricey car or a pricey mortgage allowed me to have more flexibility.
so when people say ‘oh, NICE car’ – i usually say ‘that old thing – its gotten me to germany and back!’

Not that I am an avid TV viewer but the quality of some of the shows on TV this days (refering to Discovery, National Geographic, etc) is so awesome that you cannot write-off watching TV as a mindless activity.

Its a healthy balance of your time spent on watching TV, Reading books, playing outside, etc that would be an optimal way of spending time.

Just a quick note from me –

Re: Roxanne,

Didn’t mean to imply that that was what you had meant, because sometimes I get unnecessarily defensive about it.

Trying to fix that, I’m just tired of feeling torn between wanting things/materialism and trying to be simple, not accumulate a lot of stuff, etc. I suppose I have many years to learn yet, though, and a pending move ought to help me part with some stuff… I hope!

I concur: As a boss, I discourage my staff from bringing personal matters to the office, and making personal remarks about others. Co-workers are not necessarily friends-they have no right to comment on your life. Ignore them or flip the comment back, or indicate that your personal life is not their concern. I try to discourage people even asking-I do not volunteer info. Most of my staff live in larger houses than I do. I make a lot of money and have a small condo because i started late and want to be debt free when I retire. They are all broke.

As far as peer pressure goes it IS tough: my dearest friends are always bugging me to buy the latest electronic equipment. i have 1 celphone, paid for by work, and a landline-ONLY because reception at home is bad. I avoid monthly $$ commitments like the plague. Unlike them I am single, no kids, family in another country-why would I need multiple devices, tivo, DVR, this that and the other? I read-they watch tv. They also have lots of $$ and MUCH stabler careers AND both work-they can afford to throw money away but have no savings. When I HAVE money, I buy art-my artwork has appreciated 10-15 times in value since I bought it-their gadgets are worth zip. I love buying designer silk saris-I go to a lot of charity galas so I need a lot of evening wear-even those are a deal compared to western clothes, last a lifetime, flatter everyone, can be bequeathed, and frankly, are a more fun and interesting way to spend MY hard earned $$ than going to the Mac store. Do I really WANT Steve Jobs to get richer on my nickel? No.

@Shake

ROFL

Just do what makes you feel happy. If your family is happy and you are happy with not TV or playstation…well thats all that should matter. As for the people giving you giving you grief about it. I say to them Do you not have anything better to do!

Those people must have the maturity of 10 yrs old. (No offence meant to children.) What a bore to work with such people. I had myself a colleague who was a know-it-all, all her choices were better than mine or anybody else’s. I started going out for lunch in order to avoid having to listen to her. Why justify your lifestyle with such people?

But I have to agree with the commenters who felt irritated by the tone of the post. I don’t think having a tv and watching some makes me more materialistic – I’m not much influenced by commercials, I find them, and the lifestyle they promote, ridiculous most of the time. I have a mind.
I love films and reading with the same passion.

“Why is reading a book assumed to be a worthwhile use of one’s time, while watching TV is perceived as a mindless, wasteful, lazy pursuit? I’m talking fiction novels here.”

Yep. Is reading “Twilight” better than watching “Mad Men”? Which one has the best dialogue? Which one is more innovative and gives you food for thought?

Ask them how much they donate to charity — that’ll shut ‘em up. It may also cause them pause to reflect on their selfishness.

Financial security via a thrifty lifestyle has allowed us to increase our donations, currently about 7% of AGI, more if volunteer work is counted.

We reap immense satisfaction from knowing that we are following the right path. In this regard, the opinion of others is, quite literally, immaterial

I grew up without a t.v. And as a kid, it was hard not to have a t.v., not to be able to share in a conversation about the popular tv programs. Then when I was a teenager, we got a t.v. but no cable so again I could share in what the kids were watching on MTV. But looking back it was the best thing ever, I read a lot, we spent a lot of time together, my brother and I spent a lot of time outside. We have one very old t.v. (people always ask us how old our t.v. is when they see it, no flat screen for us) and when we have kids we plan to unplug from DirecTV, we’ll keep the t.v. for movies but our plan is to discontinue our service.

I got teased for driving my old car, I’m a professional and everyone in my parking garage drove fancy cars, BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, etc. I drove, for 10 years, a mid-size american car and during that time some of my co-worker friends went through three cars (leased). There were lots of times I really wanted a new car but after years of not having a car payment I didn’t want a car payment. So when I was teased about my car I generally laughed it off and told my friends or co-workers that I’d get a new car when I could pay cash for it, that generally ended the conversation.

And when I finally got my nused car, my friends were so happy for me and they asked did you pay cash and when I told them yes, they were in awe.

One difference between reading and watching TV is that watching TV affects your gestalt world view – Juliet Schor refers to research showing that the more TV you watch, the more your idea of “normal” changes towards higher consumption habits (also towards whiteness & thinness, compared to American averages.)

It’s totally possible that every reader here is more media literate than average and able to resist that influence. I know for me, I have such intensely trashy TV-watching habits, the ads I see aren’t aimed at me at all (apparently, the folks who like what I like on TV buy violent video games, beer, and Noxzema) but I doubt I’m immune to that background affect.

(I went looking for a reference but all I can find are blog posts about Schor’s book – and she’s prolific enough Google Scholar isn’t really helping.) There’s a fair bit about the aspirational affects of TV on Americans in the ’50s that’s well documented, though – it’s not such a stretch to think we are equally subject to it.

There is a guy in my office who doesn’t have a TV. If you ask him why he doesn’t have a TV he says “It’s not important to us right now. We like to do other things”. He isn’t preachy or defensive about his choice. People usually forget he doesn’t have a TV and will try to converse with him about did he see this or that. Usually he’ll just say “No I haven’t seen it, what happened?” It’s actually more amusing than the original show when people retell or reenact the story for him. We forget he doesn’t have a TV because that choice doesn’t define him. If you’re secure and honest in who you are, peer pressure should not be an issue for you.

The people you work with want to get along with you (hopefully) and are looking for common interests. TV, sports, what you buy are the easy things to talk about. They feel as alienated as you do because you don’t watch tv and they feel like they have nothing to talk about with you.
A lot of topics are off limits at work for me, because people just like to comment on things and are annoying. I talk about their interests instead.

I don’t know if I believe JD…after all, the executive producer of The Biggest Loser is JD Roth!

I think “they” want you to fit in because it justifies that they were right and you were wrong. So long as you’re on the other side, hanging out, being content, “they” have a nagging suspicion that their consumerist lifestyle may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

(Julie, homemade sushi, juices and running in the morning? Really cool! )

My response:

“I bet I can name a few other things you have that I don’t: A cable bill, a cell phone, a cell phone bill, a car payment, debt on credit cards, a payment on your fancy TV, stress about money, shackles to the job, a lack of imagination. Anything I’m forgetting?”

I have to admit, the way my husband and I resist peer pressure on all things materialistic is our general feeling of superiority over others who are consumed with being consumers.

I hear you, @Greg C. Reminds me of the part of “The Tipping Point” that talks about how Sesame Street and Blue’s Clues have educational value. I think these comments have shown that there is no absolute “right” and “wrong” when it comes to TV — just what is right for each one of us. Personally, I like it, both for entertainment and education

I can’t understand why folks would want to pressure others into buying the same cool toys they have. Doesn’t it make their new phones and big TVs seem less special if everyone has them?

If anything, I’d think they’d want to DIScourage others from getting the same, so they’d be even cooler.