This post is from GRS staff writer April Dykman.
Before I changed my habits, I spent money without much thought. In college, if I had a two-hour break between classes, I’d drive to the mall. Once I started working full time, my coworker and I would bring our lunches to work just so that we’d have the entire hour to shop. If I was bored, I’d wander into the cosmetics superstore Sephora for entertainment. Even at home I’d shop, buying online and tracking my packages until they arrived.
I thought I needed a new dress for every event I attended, new clothes from REI for every backpacking trip, and practically a whole new wardrobe if I was going out of town. I thought these new things were a way to reinvent myself or to portray the right image, but all they did was fill up my closets and bathrooms with a ton of Stuff that I’m still sorting through today. (Brokamp’s article on turning clutter into cash inspired me to devote this weekend to more de-cluttering.)
These habits never put me deeply into debt, but they weren’t helping me to get out, either. I was often surprised at what my total at the checkout counter, but I’d throw down the credit card anyway, too self-conscious to put anything back. I’d make a lame promise to myself to cut back, but I never did.
A stop to the splurging
The temporary high of buying Stuff was making me miserable when the credit card bill arrived every month. When I finally had enough of paying down the debt just to drive the balance back up again, I went in the other direction. I quit buying clothes and cosmetics and made my lunch every, single day. It was a strange adjustment to have a packed lunch and a full hour in the middle of the day, without a shopping trip to fill the time. I cut my magazine subscriptions, reduced the minutes on my cell phone plan, carpooled to save gas money, and took clothing to the resale shop. I avoided every expense I possibly could, and the debt was paid off pretty quickly.
The downside was that I found it hard to spend money on anything, even after my husband and I were debt-free and had a healthy emergency fund.
A stop to the miserliness
I remember when it became clear that I needed to assess my relationship with money (yet again) because it was the day that the glass carafe from our French coffee press hit the floor. My stomach turned, and I immediately wondered how much it was going to cost to replace it. I went online and found that a replacement carafe would cost $12. I breathed a sigh of relief, but I also realized that my reaction wasn’t indicative of a healthy relationship with money.
My compulsion to buy had turned into a compulsion to save. Why was I buying all that Stuff? Why was I now so worried about saving every cent, especially since we were out of debt and saving money every month? I filled my need to buy with a need to save, and neither was working for me.
The middle ground
In an attempt to find a balance between debt and spending guilt, I began to think about the reasons why it would be a good thing to spend extra money. I came up with the following situations:
- Gaining knowledge. This year I paid more than I ever thought I would for a business course. Halfway into it, I know it was a good decision that will more than pay for the cost of the course. Paying to learn something useful doesn’t necessarily have to have a monetary return on investment, though. I’d like to hire a swim coach to improve my skills, which won’t make money but does provide a great physical workout. I don’t feel badly about spending money when I will learn something of value.
- Experiencing something new. This one can overlap with gaining knowledge, but I felt it was still worth mentioning separately. Experiencing something new can mean travel or taking lessons in something that interests you.
- Paying for quality. The quality of the food I eat is a high priority to me, so I’m okay with spending extra in that area. Another example is the aforementioned clothing habit. I’ve come to adapt the quality over quantity stance when it comes to clothes. If I actually need something, I’ll buy it, but I want it to last and I’ll pay a more for that (and an upcoming wedding is no longer considered a need for a new dress).
- Supporting important causes. One example of a cause that I support is buying locally, so I’m okay with spending extra if it’s supporting a local business. You can lobby for many causes just by mindfully choosing how and where you spend your money.
Determining when I’m okay with spending has helped me to find a balance between mindlessly consuming and mindlessly saving. When are you okay with spending more money? Why do you value those things?
J.D.’s note: I went through this exact same thing. When my frugality paid off, when I got out of debt and built savings, I still couldn’t spend on myself. Does everyone go through this? It wasn’t until I re-discovered the balanced money formula that I was able to loosen up again and budget for fun. I’m much happier for it.
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This article is about Choices, Consumerism, Psychology
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I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to the extremes for either saving or spending, maybe because I knew examples of both ends. Spending, we can all think of examples. Saving, my Greek grandmother when she came to the states got an sweatshop job working long hours for pennies sewing (until she moved in with our family). She saved 40 thousand from that time and never spent it on herself. Her way of living “large” was to go to the mall, purchase one item after spending an hour mulling it over, and then the next week return it saying “I don’t need it”. We would try to buy her useful gifts such as nice soap, new bath towel, and she would leave it still wrapped on her dresser, because it was “too nice” to use. After she passed away we would visit her grave and put flowers in her vase. We always had a wistful laugh about that, agreeing that she would “not approve” of us leaving flowers since they are a “waste of money”. But we still leave the flowers because we love her so much and want others to know she was loved.
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I just had a crisis over this yesterday, that hit me unexpectedly. I’ve always been a huge spender, but a year ago I decided to become debt-free. I’m on track to be debt free by the end of this year. I have totally stopped buying anything but needs, no wants. Well, yesterday I “fell off the wagon” and bought an eyeshadow at the mall. It immediately sent me into a panic attack, afraid that my spendthrift ways would come back and destroy my efforts again. I had to take a valium, it was so bad. I also drove back to the mall and returned the item right after work. Now I’m just trying to tell myself that a tiny splurge here and there is okay, no reason to flip out. I hope I’ll be able to remember that the next time it happens!
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I’ve posted many times about how I chose a modified debt repayment plan that is taking me twice as long to pay off as a “gazelle focus” ultra frugal plan would.
I’ve done the “Spendthrift/Frugal/Spendthrift” yo-yo dieting before, and I didn’t want to pay off everything only to fall right back into my old (bad) habits the second I tried to lift the restrictions. So instead, I worked out a budget that let me have *some* indulgences, but also gave me a clear timetable for paying off my debts. I feel like this has set me up for long-term success, because I’ve learned how to budget for fun stuff ahead of time, and how to resist the urge for immediate gratification.
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Great article. I would add that we’ve found that we tend to spend as the company we keep spends. If we have friends that settle for cheap entertainment and food when they spend time with us, then we don’t spend much. If we spend more time with friends and family that feel they must spend a lot to have fun then we too spend a lot.
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I don’t think I have to worry about the extreme frugality thing; nor was I on the more extreme end of overspending either. I think I’ve gone from someone who was a bit of a spendthrift (but always able to pay my bills) to someone who is doing well with a more mindful spending philosophy. I tend to splurge more now on things like concert tickets or a beautiful painting than on clothes, dining out, or jewelry. And I’m splurging a lot less often and saving a lot more than I ever did. I’m pretty satisfied with my current spending behaviors. Blogs like this tend to help reinforce my more sensible behavior with money, so thanks everyone
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Great Post! This is something I continue to struggle with since I quit a very stressful job few years ago. I now have job I really enjoy, however, I took a 20% paycut. My wife and I have a mortgage but no other debt and have been paying an extra $2,000 per month for that last 12 months. We hope to have our mortgage paid off in 6 to 8 years. We do splurge on travel (she is a flight attendant)but rarely eat out and buy most of our cloths at thrift shops. Overall, I enjoy the frugal life style because I value my “quality of life” more than I value “stuff” and a high stress job that come with it.
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I tend to live a reasonably frugal lifestyle but my wife and I splurge a bit when we go on vacation. We tend to eat out at restaurants, shop, and spend more money in general when we’re vacationing; however, we remain responsible. It’s certainly not a time to rack up the credit card and ‘see what it looks like’ when we get home kinda thing.
Nice post!
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In a way I went through that and in a way I didn’t.
I never overspent. I was never in debt. So I didn’t go from one extreme to the other.
But I did have a wake up call “you’re saving too much”. It actually caused me health problems. I still find it hard to balance out, really, every time I spend money it feels like I’m splurging, and I keep questioning whether I was right or not, but I find automated savings help a lot. Then I have to kinda force myself to spend some of what’s left.
But I’ve noticed I really don’t have a need for small things. It will be more like big buys from time to time. For instance we’ll decide to buy a game console, $400 all at once, a third of his pay cheque to give an estimation (I don’t work).
That’s a lot for us. But if we’ve saved for everything (which is done automatically) and we still have the money, then why not? It will make us happy to play these games, and I’d rather spend $400 once on something that makes me really happy (well, we’ll have to buy games, although one is already included), rather than $5 or $10 more often on things that really don’t make a difference.
Of course it depends on the person. You might find that your daily cup of coffee is what makes you happy, for instance.
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I still struggle with this as well. It’s like yo-yo dieting. We paid off a crazy amount of mortgage debt in 2009. I then decided I’m going to finally reward myself and buy those things I’ve been wanting all year. There’s only a handful of times this has happened to me in the 18 years I’ve had credit, but after my spree, I had a credit card bill I couldn’t pay off at the end of the month. I was so mad..so back to miser mode.
I think depending on your personality, it’s very easy to have one bowl of ice cream turn into the whole gallon…so best to be without the temptation…or better yet, go out for a cone once in a while. It’s a little more expensive but better for you long term.
For me, it’s definitely easier to “budget” for a vacation or go out to eat 1/week then it is to just splurge randomly on things. I don’t have good control over how much and when to stop.
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I’m still pretty cheap, but we spend a lot on certain things that other people would not choose.
I’m OK with paying for things we deliberately decide to buy ahead of time. It’s the impulse purchasing that makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t see that as a problem.
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My first thought reading this post was “how silly.” I mean you’re having a “moment” over a $12 carafe?
But perhaps I’m further along in my “emotional frugality” than some. I don’t sweat how I “feel” about a purchase. Maybe that’s my saftey net. It’s business. I rarely get emotional about financial decisions anymore. What needs to be done, has to be done the best/smartest way that I can manage. I’m committed to a simpler “wants vs needs” lifestyle. I try to make everyday special instead of “waiting for the treat”. Sitting on the back porch with a glass of wine at the end of the day. Watching the dogs play. Talking over things with the hubby. Watching my NEW vegetable garden grow.(thanks for the inspiration JD)
However…I do acknowledge that for many people this process of learning to living simply can be like giving up an addiction. Pick any poison you want. You go through your huge emotional swings/extremes and eventually you come to accept who you are and what you can do about it…and stop caring what other people think of your decisions/lifestyle. THAT’S liberating.
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Dear everybody, thank you for your kind and compassionate responses to my post at #6 above. It was a huge reality check for me. Although I want to see a counselor, I don’t think I’ll bother because my three jobs make it difficult to find the time to do so (and also because in this country I’d have to go on a six-month waiting list, and anyway what am I going to say when they ask me what my problem is – that I avoid debt and live like my grandparents?).
Today I sat down and made a list of small things that make me happy, that I can spend my money on without too much guilt. For example, I can buy an air freshener in my favorite scent, rather than the scent that happens to be on sale at the supermarket. Or a pair of socks that feels soft and not rough. Or I can even buy an actual book that I want to read immediately after publication, rather than waiting for it to hit the library. I haven’t done any of these things in years. I know it’s a small start, but it’s better than nothing.
Thank you for giving me the “permission” to do these things. I think that’s what I was waiting for.
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Chipmunk,
Hang in there! It will get better if you continue to make small steps toward progress. It might look tough now but you WILL get better with some effort. If you don’t want to see a counselor at least consider talking to a friend you trust. As you can see talking to others (on this site)has already given you a more balanced prospective that can help you give yourself “permission” to enjoy your life again. Remember that balance is the key to happiness.
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As others have stated before me, it’s common to take an initiative or goal to the extreme once you sdee progress. My experience with frugality is similar. I also lost a bunch of weight a number of years ago and once I acheived my goal it took some time for me to enjoy the occassional splurge without feeling guilty. Of course, with finances you never complete the process you just move on to the next goal.
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I love your tips about the middle ground. These are things I need to wrap my mind around. My husband and I have just made a budget, for the first time since the wedding, in which we have not only savings money but spending money budgeted in – and I still find myself struggling to spend anything at all! I know I shouldn’t feel as guilty as I sometimes do.
Thanks for the post!
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i thought i was the only one that went through this. i got through it 3 ways.
the first way was by reading (“how to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously” and other books/articles that mentioned hoarding). I know that not everyone is religious — and i’m not either usually — but hoarding means you’re not trusting God to take care of you. That helped. Thirdly, I identified things that i love. not just things that cost money, but anything that gives me TRUE fulfillment. then I gave myself “permission” to spend whatever i want on these priorities as long as i have the cash to pay for it (I’m debt free except the student loan and we’ve chosen not to pay that down faster).
It worked! i feel more balanced now. I save without hoarding.
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Every “saver” goes through these phases. Thanx for writing about it. It’ll help a lot of people out.
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A previous comment:
I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about ways to cut costs even though I’ve already pared them down to the bone. I shower in the dark to save on electricity, and only flush the toilet every other time. In the cold season, I sleep wearing several layers of clothing simply to avoid buying new blankets (mine are threadbare). I eat exactly the same meal three times a day – rice and beans – even though it makes me miserable. I walk everywhere, which is actually quite good for me, but last week I forced myself to walk two miles to work in the sleet, just so that I could save two bucks on bus fare. My cheap shoes (all three pairs) have holes in them, but I can’t bring myself to throw them out even though they are so worn out that they are damaging my feet. I have a bad tooth that I could get fixed quickly and very cheaply, but I’d rather just resign myself to chewing on one side of my mouth instead. I deliberately keep my lovely hair cropped in a short and unattractive style, so that I can save on shampoo and styling expenses. I no longer have any hobbies, because the only thing I’m really interested in is saving money. Well, the list goes on and on …
My comment:
I had the opposite experience from you.
I went to Dubai, flew in the airport and had to use the bathroom. No toilet paper. Cleaned myself with 10 $100 bills.
I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes. Then I looked at the person next to me, and he had no feet.
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