I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about ways to cut costs even though I’ve already pared them down to the bone. I shower in the dark to save on electricity, and only flush the toilet every other time. In the cold season, I sleep wearing several layers of clothing simply to avoid buying new blankets (mine are threadbare). I eat exactly the same meal three times a day – rice and beans – even though it makes me miserable. I walk everywhere, which is actually quite good for me, but last week I forced myself to walk two miles to work in the sleet, just so that I could save two bucks on bus fare. My cheap shoes (all three pairs) have holes in them, but I can’t bring myself to throw them out even though they are so worn out that they are damaging my feet. I have a bad tooth that I could get fixed quickly and very cheaply, but I’d rather just resign myself to chewing on one side of my mouth instead. I deliberately keep my lovely hair cropped in a short and unattractive style, so that I can save on shampoo and styling expenses. I no longer have any hobbies, because the only thing I’m really interested in is saving money. Well, the list goes on and on …

My comment:

I had the opposite experience from you.

I went to Dubai, flew in the airport and had to use the bathroom. No toilet paper. Cleaned myself with 10 $100 bills.

I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes. Then I looked at the person next to me, and he had no feet.

the first way was by reading (“how to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously” and other books/articles that mentioned hoarding). I know that not everyone is religious — and i’m not either usually — but hoarding means you’re not trusting God to take care of you. That helped. Thirdly, I identified things that i love. not just things that cost money, but anything that gives me TRUE fulfillment. then I gave myself “permission” to spend whatever i want on these priorities as long as i have the cash to pay for it (I’m debt free except the student loan and we’ve chosen not to pay that down faster).

It worked! i feel more balanced now. I save without hoarding.

Thanks for the post!

Hang in there! It will get better if you continue to make small steps toward progress. It might look tough now but you WILL get better with some effort. If you don’t want to see a counselor at least consider talking to a friend you trust. As you can see talking to others (on this site)has already given you a more balanced prospective that can help you give yourself “permission” to enjoy your life again. Remember that balance is the key to happiness.

Today I sat down and made a list of small things that make me happy, that I can spend my money on without too much guilt. For example, I can buy an air freshener in my favorite scent, rather than the scent that happens to be on sale at the supermarket. Or a pair of socks that feels soft and not rough. Or I can even buy an actual book that I want to read immediately after publication, rather than waiting for it to hit the library. I haven’t done any of these things in years. I know it’s a small start, but it’s better than nothing.

Thank you for giving me the “permission” to do these things. I think that’s what I was waiting for.

But perhaps I’m further along in my “emotional frugality” than some. I don’t sweat how I “feel” about a purchase. Maybe that’s my saftey net. It’s business. I rarely get emotional about financial decisions anymore. What needs to be done, has to be done the best/smartest way that I can manage. I’m committed to a simpler “wants vs needs” lifestyle. I try to make everyday special instead of “waiting for the treat”. Sitting on the back porch with a glass of wine at the end of the day. Watching the dogs play. Talking over things with the hubby. Watching my NEW vegetable garden grow.(thanks for the inspiration JD)

However…I do acknowledge that for many people this process of learning to living simply can be like giving up an addiction. Pick any poison you want. You go through your huge emotional swings/extremes and eventually you come to accept who you are and what you can do about it…and stop caring what other people think of your decisions/lifestyle. THAT’S liberating.

I’m OK with paying for things we deliberately decide to buy ahead of time. It’s the impulse purchasing that makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t see that as a problem.

I think depending on your personality, it’s very easy to have one bowl of ice cream turn into the whole gallon…so best to be without the temptation…or better yet, go out for a cone once in a while. It’s a little more expensive but better for you long term.

For me, it’s definitely easier to “budget” for a vacation or go out to eat 1/week then it is to just splurge randomly on things. I don’t have good control over how much and when to stop.

But I did have a wake up call “you’re saving too much”. It actually caused me health problems. I still find it hard to balance out, really, every time I spend money it feels like I’m splurging, and I keep questioning whether I was right or not, but I find automated savings help a lot. Then I have to kinda force myself to spend some of what’s left.

But I’ve noticed I really don’t have a need for small things. It will be more like big buys from time to time. For instance we’ll decide to buy a game console, $400 all at once, a third of his pay cheque to give an estimation (I don’t work).
That’s a lot for us. But if we’ve saved for everything (which is done automatically) and we still have the money, then why not? It will make us happy to play these games, and I’d rather spend $400 once on something that makes me really happy (well, we’ll have to buy games, although one is already included), rather than $5 or $10 more often on things that really don’t make a difference.

Of course it depends on the person. You might find that your daily cup of coffee is what makes you happy, for instance.

Nice post!

I’ve done the “Spendthrift/Frugal/Spendthrift” yo-yo dieting before, and I didn’t want to pay off everything only to fall right back into my old (bad) habits the second I tried to lift the restrictions. So instead, I worked out a budget that let me have *some* indulgences, but also gave me a clear timetable for paying off my debts. I feel like this has set me up for long-term success, because I’ve learned how to budget for fun stuff ahead of time, and how to resist the urge for immediate gratification.

You have to live your life, taking the middle path. I love to save money, but I need to eat too!

Great post, I think lots of people go through this exact same scenario.

I went through a very similar thing after being laid off. I agre with some of the comments others have made, it maybe that you need to follow the swings of extremes, the pendulum eventually settles in the middle. I am working more on enjoy the experience, if buying lattes and hot chocolates for breakfast makes a weekend morning special with the kids. then we go for it. In the meantime we continue to take our own brewed coffee to work and pack lunches.

I never figured that once I got my overspending under control, I would then have to worry about UNDERSPENDING. It really doesn’t seem fair.

I try to re-tool my spending so that I’m getting the most bang for my buck. I don’t go on pointless shopping sprees, but I make a point of buying myself fresh flowers every week. Yes, I spend $5 – $15 per week on flowers, but I love picking them out and I get to feel indulged all week when I see them on the table. I’m sure it seems like frivolous spending to some, but it makes me genuinely happy.

Instead of paying bills, saving, and saying “whatever’s left is for fun”, I decided the amount for fun, and everything else goes to saving. When I tried the leftover approach for fun money, I still felt guilty that I could still spend less and save more. Now, I KNOW that I am saving plenty, and that my “fun money” is really good to use on whatever I want, without stressing that I could put it toward paying down the mortgage.

Rewire your brain to value accomplishments and/or relationships.

I JUST wrote a post similar to that yesterday. My story is a little bit different, but it’s really all the same.

In the meantime, we get our share of criticism from our extended family and friends (those in our same financial demographic), who live in expensive neighborhoods, dine out a lot, buy or lease new cars at frequent intervals, and buy brand named new stuff (and lots of it). I understand the criticism, because our day to day living is very different. But they also criticise when we travel across the country (or the globe) several times a year, saying that we should use our travel money instead to support a higher living standard.

To each, their own, I suppose.

Maybe because I lived through a spendthrift phase as a child, that counted? When I was much younger we had plenty of money and spent plenty of it. Eventually my parents’ business failed, and we had far less money. My mother switched into ultra-frugal mode – she was (and remains) quite adaptable. I picked up on the ultra-frugality and took it even further, perhaps without quite understanding the reasons behind it.

Somehow I met a girl (later woman, now spouse) who, through her own path, had more or less the same “don’t spend money” philosophy. We avoided spend money together for about a decade. Since then (another four years) we’ve been working on spending more conciously, the biggest example being on travel. We continue to save plenty for the future, but make that conscious effort to live for today as well.

One thing I do is take some of the tips on how to spend less money, and turn them on their head. For instance using our credit card helps us spend more easily (don’t worry, we pay it off every month.) On our last trip in London, the guidebook cautioned against thinking of a pound as a dollar lest you spend too much – so I thought of pounds as dollars. Another tactic I use is to make irrevocable monetary decisions, such as making a deposit, buying tickets, etc. Then our natural aversion to wasting money kicks in and we go through with the activity wholeheartedly.

I have an ING sub account in which I deposit the princely sum of $50 give or take a few cents every 2 weeks.

This is my account for:

1. Paying for little odds and ends like the broken carafe.

2. Silly stuff I want to buy or go do for no good reason other than I want to.

Solves this problem for me. I actually need to increase it but budget’s tight right now.

There was a time in the past when I would have just bought it regardless of whether I had any money or not, and charged it on a credit card. Luckily that time has long since past. I’ve never gotten to the point of being exceptionally frugal, though, and I think where I am right now is pretty healthy. For years now, though, credit hasn’t even been an option I’d consider at all. If I don’t have cash on hand, then I can’t purchase it. This really limits the damage I’m capable of doing to myself. Also, watching a bank account balance drop I think feels more real to me than watching a credit card balance rise. I’m also a lot more comfortable now than I used to be with making do with what I have. If I didn’t have the money for this board right now, I’d be ok with just using one of my current boards, comfortable with the fact that this is what I have right now. In the past, I may have felt resentful for being stuck without the board I wanted to buy. This attitude change makes not spending *so* much easier than the attitude where I used to judge myself based on how impressive my possessions were. I wouldn’t have told you that’s what I was doing, but to some degree, I was.

Life is all about balance. And I’d like to ENJOY it. Enjoy saving. Enjoy spending. And just enjoy each day regardless of which one I am doing but knowing that the decision I’ve made I can enjoy today–and the benefits of it tomorrow!