This guest post from Joann is part of the “reader stories” feature here at Get Rich Slowly. Some reader stories contain general “how I did X” advice, and others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure.
I’ve been a Get Rich Slowly reader for about a year now, and I can honestly say I’ve picked up quite a bit of direction from you and your contributors. I wanted to share something with you that I feel like people keep missing. I’ve had some difficulties with a couple of people in my life, and I watched and analyzed a long time to try to figure out from where our problems stemmed. It was most definitely the “happiness” issue.
A little background
In 2008 I moved from the East Coast to Portland, Oregon. I’m single, no kids. I have two Master’s degrees and a shiny new BMW’s-worth of student loan debt. (I work in public service so I only have to pay 10 years on it and the remainder will be forgiven.) I have eight college years’ worth of credit-card debt (roughly a Kia), but it’ll get paid off.
My car is paid off and I live in a one-bedroom apartment outside of Portland. I don’t have a lot of extra money rolling around every month, but I certainly have everything I need and quite a bit of what I want.
I landed the exact job I wanted (with health insurance and a decent retirement system), and I get paid to drive around Oregon (in someone else’s car). I go to the coast and stand on the beach because I can. I play tennis because I wanted to learn how. I paint even though I have pretty much no artistic talent. I make sure to appreciate one thing about every single day. My life isn’t perfect, but I can honestly say that I am happy.
A different world
I’ve noticed two things since I’ve been here:
- One, the people are very different from those on the East Coast. My family is very close — I’m in touch with my parents, grandparents, and at least a couple of aunts/uncles and cousins every week, and I’m always in touch with my brother. This isn’t unusual among my friends “back home.” To my friends here, this is a relatively foreign concept; once you become a teenager, it seems, you call family on holidays and special occasions, and that’s about it. I don’t know if that affects happiness, but being part of a family community, even from so many miles away, definitely stabilizes me and enables me to be happy.
- The second thing I’ve noticed goes back to my friends and the problems we’ve had. The reality is, I’m happy so I really don’t care about much (if that makes sense). I don’t think I should be either out at bars or joining eHarmony because I’m approaching 30 and “should” be in a serious relationship, I don’t think it matters that I bought my coffee maker at Walmart and my coffee beans at Fred Meyer, I don’t care to wear name brand clothes, it doesn’t matter that I don’t live in Beaverton, I think (for me) that buying a house that I don’t want because of a tax rebate is stupid, and I don’t have anything to prove to anyone.
This last point has endlessly frustrated two of my friends (and me), and I think I’ve figured out why. It’s not necessarily that people are postponing happiness. It’s that they believe there’s a fixed approach to finding happiness. If they do A, B, and C in that order, as appropriate by age, gender, and profession, they will be happy because that’s how people get happy.
There’s no fixed path to happiness
One of my friends is a computer programmer; he approaches all problems with that engineer problem-solving approach. For lack of a better explanation, he can’t just roll with it, figuring out the things that make him happy along the way. For him, there has to be a systematic solution because certain inputs net certain outcomes.
The other friend I’ve had problems with is not an engineer, but she’s very based on this idea that taking the right steps in the right order — college, job, spouse, house — is what leads to happiness.
Along the way she decided, when I bought a couple of paintings by an artist that I am very much inspired by, that she too would be an “art collector” (of the same artist). I love to cook and try new recipes, or even just experiment with the stuff in my cupboards, so she became a new-recipe-experimenter (with her very expensive cookware). I wore a sundress, she wanted to be a “dress wearer.” (My favorite quote here is “They say imitation is the highest form of flattery… I just think it’s annoying” – Pink).
In the meantime, she nags at me that I should be doing eHarmony, I should be moving downtown to the Pearl, I should, I should, I should do all of these things that are not aiding in her happiness. It’s not unlike what my programmer friend says: I should buy different coffee because the internet says it’s better, I should live in a different apartment complex because it’s gated and more expensive — thus, better. And so on, endlessly.
To each her own
Very long story short, it’s not that my friends don’t want to be happy, or that they’re postponing being happy in favor of surviving. It’s that they don’t know how to be happy because it’s not something that can be taught and there’s no fixed set of steps to make it happen.
As a result they’re constantly “renewing” themselves and floundering trying to figure out why they feel something is missing. It has created resentment between my friends and me because I refuse to conform to their misery, and they aren’t capable of understanding that happiness is individual, not fixed. I don’t know if there’s a way to help them — and maybe that’s why people writing about finding happiness don’t really touch on it, since they’re banking on people buying into their steps and it would be counterproductive to say “go forth and be merry on your terms.”
Reminder: This is a story from one of your fellow readers. Please be nice. After nearly a decade of blogging, I have a thick skin, but it can be scary to put your story out in public for the first time. Remember that this guest author isn’t a professional writer, and is just learning about money like you are.
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I think the writer hit the nail on the head. I call it the “only if” syndrome. Basically I will be happy only if I have a new XXXX (fill in the X’s). That of course never happens because once that need is filled, there is another “only if” that comes up.
Also, I read the other day that most needs in life (outside of necessary things) stem from envy. I never thought about it, but I think that may have some truth as well.
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Great post. It’s sometimes a struggle for me to remember this, but I really believe it.
My husband resently started his own business. While things are growing he doesn’t earn as much as when he had his regular job. But he sure is happy. And still everybody wonders why we haven’t got around to buying a house yet. We have two kids and live (happily) in our small flat.
Yesterday he frankly explained why: “We haven’t bought a house because I’d rather start a business than live in a big house.”
When you spell it out like that people tend to understand. So many have dreams they don’t live out because they have too big of a mortgage to do it.
But if buying a house makes you happy – please do!
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Great fresh post.
I personally think that “go forth and be merry on your own terms” is excellent advice, and I’ve abided by it for most of my life (albeit in pretty strange ways at times). But I can’t help but note that the writer is single, with no kids. Many of the unhappy people that I work with are that way because they have no choice but to work at detestable jobs to provide enough money to move into the right areas to get their kids into the right schools, and so on.
So, how do you balance being happy on your own terms with living life on other people’s terms?
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Great post.
I haven’t had tension with my friends over this issue, but it does frustrate me to see my friends with such great lives, and yet they’re still unhappy. I even had one friend (who has a Master’s, great job, new husband, new big beautiful home, nice cars) recently tell me about an argument she had with her husband. She found out his sister was about to be engaged, and flipped out on her husband, her main argument being, “What if her ring is bigger than mine?!” I was appalled.
It’s unfortunate that the lesson of being happy isn’t one that those of us who have figured it out can easily teach the people we love. Hopefully they’ll all catch on one day that being happy is about choosing to find the joy in your everyday life!
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Actually, I think one of the problems is that Americans tend to be taught to listen to outside advice rather than be inner directed. (This goes double for women, because our society has a lot invested in keeping us more concerned about what others want from us than in what WE want.)
So part of the trouble is just that many people don’t know how to listen to themselves, so they chase the laundry list of what they’ve heard is supposed to work. I’ve always felt a real dissonance between what I want and what others want out of me, so it was easy to pick the direction I’d rather go in. Maybe some gentle questioning could help the outer-directed realize they have another choice?
(However, I will say that it DOES matter to some of us where we buy our stuff, because we choose not to support certain shopping establishments and not giving them our money is the very best way to do that.)
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Dynamic post. People are tethered to so many things – their debt, their houses, their gadgets, their shoe fetishes, their hobbies. People work to service their debt, they work at jobs they loathe -mindlessly going through the day like a hamster on a wheel, busy with activity but going nowhere. The pressure to assimilate can be overwhelming. Sometimes that pressure can come from the people you love and treasure the most, like friends and family. People sacrifice their truth and passion everyday – and they unwittingly encourage you to sacrifice yours all for the sake of conformity. I think it’s imperative to only solicit and welcome advice from people whose life you want to emulate. Their lives have bared good “fruit” – they are peaceful, engaging, fulfilled and financially stable. I’ve often wondered is it healthy to keep the same precise group of friends over one’s lifetime? There are some lifetime friendships, people who have the type of spirit that will always resonate with you. However, I think too often people keep “friends” around out of a sense of obligation even though they have been adding stress to your life for years. What is the purpose of keeping friends around that devalue our decisions and attempt to impose their view of the world on us by the constant badgering?
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What a great piece of writing! I’m reminded of a quote (sorry, don’t know who said it, early wake up call from the kids this Easter morning) about how most planning is really just guessing. I think if we plan too much, we will be unhappy, because things have a way of falling where they should.
Your happiness is inspiring, and I only hope mine can be the same in day-to-day life.
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I can personally relate to the author’s friends. At 20 years of age, I can honestly say that I never lived life on my own terms. I went to the #1 magnet high school in my state (at my parents’ request, of course), secured prestigious engineering internships (at the heed of my adviser), and am currently attending an Ivy League school. The alleged benefits no longer outweigh the costs; as a double engineering (B.S/M.S) and studio art major (A.B), I cannot remember the last time I had fun. I work or volunteer during breaks, and spend at least 40 hours doing homework outside of class. I am no longer enjoying my college experience, thinking ‘Do I really want to be an engineer?’. I considered taking a year off and moving in with my boyfriend, but my parents (who don’t even pay my tuition) would never approve. I hope that one day I can begin to live life for me. I am crossing my fingers, hoping -just dreaming- that my elders and superiors’ life advice pays off.
Has anyone had a similar experience during their college years?
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I love this post. Sometime the answers to happiness are so simple. I am proud of you joann. I so agree with you!
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Excellent post.
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I love this post! I totally agree, and I really wish there were more people with this attitude. Its not easy to take a stand against the masses that follow what they think is the “right” way to do things..They can get pushy sometimes.. and some of my best friends are this way as well.. You think for yourself and you’ve got you figured out… You’re on track
Congratulations 
Happiness is definitely an individual thing!
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I think when you see people who “have a great life” and are unhappy, it could be because what you perceive as a great life is not what they see.
For example, one of my friends is around 40 (a little over, I believe). You could say he has a great life. He’s got a stable job that he seems to enjoy. He has one mainstream published book, and another due out in July (and I believe a third one has been bought, and he’s working on). None of the books are earning enough to quite his day job, but definitely extra welcome income. He has a nice–if small–house. His wife is an absolutely lovely person, and they fit so well together.
Yet, he recently admitted when he was little, and people asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, he would answer, “A father”, until he got teased enough and changed it to more typical little boy answers. So, while he wasn’t unhappy, per se, he definitely hadn’t achieved his life goal.
(He’s very excited, as his wife is due with their first child in August. They’re a little cautious as she’s had one miscarriage years ago, and they’ve been trying for years.)
So when you look at people who aren’t happy with a good life in terms of job/house/etc., it might be that they didn’t want that sort of success. The success they were looking for might be a little smaller, but something they’ve yet been unable to achieve.
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I totally agree. I am getting married next month and I am hearing from all the people around me- don’t have kids yet, you’re so young, wait until you have a career, spend time with your husband, etc. The man who said he wanted to be a father when he grew up- that’s me too. I have wanted to be a wife and mother for years. I feel that’s what I was meant to be and that I was born in the wrong time. I hate having the pressure to have a career when I really want to be a stay at home mom and wife. For those in my generation (I am 25) it feels like it’s not even an option or a choice, it is looked down upon as a luxury when years ago it was expected. So I am working until…
Happiness comes in all forms and should be able to be enjoyed without judgment from others who are probably unhappy themselves.
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I do have a comment about west coasters. It is actually way more difficult to be the new person in the Midwest and East BECAUSE family is the center. I am a westerner and keep in touch with my mother daily and my siblings weekly. You just seem to be with a group who is more open to the newcomers?
Other than that—happiness is what you make it.
Don’t worry Sarah- there are many more at home moms these days than society leads you to believe. My daughter is living that dream:>)
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I had a different take on this article. Frankly, it sounds like you don’t like your friends. Maybe you need to find new ones.
And, as gently as I can say this, it doesn’t sound like you have any less a rigid idea of what makes someone happy. Just because your idea is to have people “go with the flow” and “follow their own zen” doesn’t make it any more helpful to someone for whom that advice wouldn’t work.
It seems to me that 1. Not every is looking at being happy as their primary motivation and 2. Not everyone is happy with the same stuff. Right now, for example, my primary motivation is financial security. For me, my husband and our children. While it is hard work, not always rewarding – it does make me more content than I think I would be if we were less financially secure. However, there are lots of sacrifices to doing that. I don’t like where we live (though it is a perfectly nice area, nice house, excellent schools, etc), my husband doesn’t love his job (though it is high status, high pay and he is very good at it) and the people (while, of course, perfectly nice, kind and friendly) are not what I would call “my people”. But right now, staying the course allows us to meet our bigger goals. And so we do it. Some days I am content with these choices, and other days I think the whole thing stinks. Such is life. Chasing happiness (to me) is too intangible a goal. And so I try to find areas to appreciate while meeting the more tangible goals that will allow me to live the life I want to have.
The important thing more seems to be finding people that you can be sympathetic with and who share the most basic life view in common with you. I am sure there are actually plenty of people in Portland who value their family relationships and are close to family. I am also sure there are countless people who are not looking to impress others with their possessions, You just haven’t met them yet. It seems like meeting people who have more in common with you would be the best for both you and your friends.
Good luck, it sounds like you have a plan that works in most respects for you.
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There is a typo in the last section’s title: “To each her hown”. (At least, I don’t think the meaning goes with the Urban Dictionary meaning of that word.) Nice article!
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Great article. My new favorite quote is “live the life you love, love the life you live”. I read it on a friends email the other day and I immediately adopted it. I think this post encompasses the meaning of that quote.
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Oops, Celia. You’re absolutely correct. That’s all my fault. Sorry.
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Re: Sarah
If your dream is to be a mom- do it! I married my husband at 21 and he was 29… we got pregnant on the honeymoon and everyone couldn’t believe we were going to have a baby so quickly. We have always wanted a family so we were excited about our little honeymoon souvenir! I think everyone else stressed out about it more than we did. It is so irritating the way people impose their ideals onto others! We’re eager to start trying for #2 and so many people reply, “WHY?! You should wait another ten years! Don’t you want to go out and party?” I don’t tell 35 year old woman to run out and get pregnant, so they shouldn’t tell me to not! If you are in a committed relationship and believe you’re ready for motherhood- go for it!!!
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I completely agree with #15 Sashie. There’s another layer of truly understanding the idea of live and let live/so long as it hurts no one do what you will/be happy on your own terms missing.
I also don’t think it is nice to criticize a friend who picks up the same hobbies you do. Especially not on a blog that’s read by huge numbers of readers.
Many of the things I currently enjoy (heavy metal, anime, librarything etc.) are things I picked up from previous friends, not because the friends did them but because the friends introduced them to me (and I’ve introduced friends to opera, musicals, thai food, etc.). Friends introduce us to things outside of our earlier experiences. If you think something is enjoyable or looks nice, why would you think that someone who enjoys your company would not enjoy the same things? Part of friendship is sharing interests. If you truly believed “to each her own” you would allow her that interest too and not criticize her for it.
Also, I think you’re wrong about geographic differences in contacting family. Most (but not all) of my single friends talk to their family on the phone at least once a week, no matter where they grew up. Most (but not all) of my married/cohabiting friends don’t. I’ve lived all over the country except the pacific northwest and although there are large other cultural differences, I haven’t seen much difference in family contact, except in places where the family in question lives nearby and there’s a lot more contact. (I myself keep in touch with my extended family via IM daily/weekly and only call on occasion.)
It can be difficult culturally moving from one end of the country to another — Boston was difficult for me because people are less open and there’s a lot less politeness (I’ve never gotten chewed out by a subway worker except in Boston). The South was easier because it was more similar to the midwest where I grew up, as was Northern California (full of midwest transplants). It took a little while to adjust to Southern CA the first time because cultural norms are so different even just in terms of talking, but after I got used to it it’s easier. It is easy to wonder what is wrong with those people in the place one just moved, but really it’s just a different set of social norms. That doesn’t mean what they’re doing (on average– since individual differences are always larger than group differences) is wrong, it’s just different.
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I think this was well written and has some good points. However, I disagree with one of the main premises of this article; specifically, the statement that there’s no fixed path to happiness. The article is a bit contradictory because the author says there’s no fixed path to happiness, but then she (and the commenters) repeatedly emphasize certain fixed principles to which they adhere that have led them to happiness. For example, she and the commenters point out that excessive materiality at the expense of personal relationships does not lead to happiness. (I agree.)
“To each his own” is only helpful advice to an extent, but not if it leads people to ignore timeless principles that can lead them to happiness. I believe there are fixed, unchanging principles that can lead to happiness (e.g., loving, healthy, close relationships bring joy; a productive life is happier than a slothful life, etc.). BUT, I agree that there’s an infinite amount of iterations that someone can choose to live by these principles. Someone can be productive in many different ways — living by a beach teaching surfing, a computer programmer, a stay-at-home mom, etc.
The author’s argument that just because her friends haven’t found happiness following their fixed A-B-C plan doesn’t prove that there aren’t fixed principles. It’s just evidence that her friends’ plans aren’t in accordance with the fixed principles. I think the advice “Go forth and be merry on your terms” is a bit reckless and egocentric if left unqualified. I would say, seek out the immutable principles that lead to happiness, then go forth and be merry as you live according to those principles. The way those principles are manifest will vary greatly from one person to the next, but that doesn’t mean the general principles aren’t fixed.
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A reader comments:
I considered taking a year off and moving in with my boyfriend, but my parents (who don’t even pay my tuition) would never approve. I hope that one day I can begin to live life for me. I am crossing my fingers, hoping -just dreaming- that my elders and superiors’ life advice pays off.
My comment:
Could be you’re in a rut. And you do have momentum toward accomplishing your goals. And sometimes it’s not all fun and games. We do things whether we like them or not. That’s life.
On the other hand: Years ago I wanted to change my life. My parents told me (35 years ago), “Stay in the military, you’ll get a nice pension”.
Thank God I had the courage to follow my dreams. I don’t have that pension, but I am a happy person. I lived life on my terms. And because that muscle is exercised, I will continually do so till I die. It’s your life, you live it, and take responsibility.
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Beautiful post and so very true. No one can dictate to another what will make that person happy. We each have our own path and it’s awesome that you’ve found yours, and know it.
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Have you actually talked to these people about happiness? I don’t think most people are doing A, B and C in a specific order because they’re looking for happiness, I think they do it for lack of anything more interesting to do. They do it because they’re lost and so they follow the crowd.
Did you go to college because because you really, really wanted a college degree, and you thought it’d make you happy, or did you go because your parents encouraged it and all your friends were going, and that seemed to be the only realistic option?
Did you buy a house when you graduated because you thought it’d make you happy, or because your parents and friends all did that and they were encouraging you to “stop throwing money away on rent”?
People don’t follow the crowd because they think it’ll make them happy. They do it because it’s the path of least resistance. Just look at xNik89x (post 8 ) for an example. Sure, that person’s young, but people often carry these sorts of attitudes (I’ll do what parents and friends think is best) well past their college years.
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The happiest people I know are in love with the work they do, paid or unpaid, so that means stay-at-home moms, too. When you do have work that you love, then often your friends are doing similar work, and are also happy people (and moms).
The unhappiest people I know are the ones that struggle with finances the most. I think the big house, car, etc. are band-aids for that empty, lost feeling when you are not growing spiritually and in every other way. The money and even your level of indebtedness don’t matter so much if you are on a path with heart.
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Good on you Joann!
It’s stories like this that give this financial blog so much more depth and meaning than the next best way to make cheap detergent.
I think that whether you make a lot of money or not, at the end of the day it will (suddenly) stare people in the face and that, either consciously or subconsciously , they have taken on labels or find that people are trying to force their labels on them and which in turn, if you don’t comply directly, will make them nervous.
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Personally, if a friend is unwilling to accept you as you wish to be then they aren’t worth keeping around as a friend. I argue constantly with my sister when she tells me I need to change my appearance in order to increase my social prospects; I tell her I’d rather stay real and be independent than to be a phony socialite.
Anyway, great article, welcome to the west coast as well. It reminded me of that scene in Fight Club about asking the father what to do after finishing school, getting a career, marrying, etc.
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“To each their own” is one of my personal favorites. Finding your own road on your way to happiness should be YOUR venture without the need to explain ones motives. I enjoyed hearing your story, thanks for sharing!
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You are getting “it” figured out much earlier in life than most do. Very happy for you!
It’s a lesson that some of us never learn; comparing what’s “inside” of you to what you see on the “outside” of others.
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I enjoyed your post. Friends are the hardest because they influence you so much and it takes a lot of will to do your own thing and respect each other.
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xNik89x (#8):
I did not have the college experience that everyone talks about either. I went to a very prestigious school and worked extremely hard and felt unhappy. My unhappiness came from not feeling connected to the other people there (part of that, I think, due to the fact that we had very different backgrounds). I just want you to know that you are not the only one who has questioned or is questioning why you are working so hard when it’s not making you happy. However, unless you are just starting, I would advise sticking it out. You will have an incredible background for many types of opportunities in the future; the analytical skills you are learning now (and even the substantive material) will be an asset in many jobs. I hope you’ll have the support from family/friends to explore your options if you decide not to be an engineer!
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I’m 46 years old and have gone through many stages of “happiness” – truth of the matter is that the things that make you happy change with time and the ebb and flow of Life.
When I was 21, I was so happy to have a creative job, my own apartment, a boyfriend and new shoes. I lived in a big city and felt very fortunate to have access to clubs, restaurants, indie movies, etc. At 25, I was so happy to be rid of that same boyfriend and was very tired of my creative but very low-paying job! I just wanted to be able to pay my bills without worry and I also was SO happy to not have to spend time with anyone but myself – I really enjoyed being completely single for the first time in my adult life. It was great to get to know ME as me and not as someone’s girlfriend. At 30, I was married and happy with the adventure of the military spouse’s life – moving around every few years meeting new people, living in places I’d probably never visit if not for the USAF, etc. At 36, we had a child and I found great joy in just being a mom to this little boy we’d brought into the world. (Something that, at 25, if you’d asked me “do you want to be a mom and a stay-at-home mom at that?” I would have balked and adamantly stated “NO WAY!”) Now, I am thankful my husband has retired from the military and we are no longer moving – I miss the “instant community” of the military life, yet I really love the more permanent feel of the life we now live in a small East Coast town, where our son can grow up with children who will know him for his entire childhood, where my husband and I can become involved members of the community because we are here for longer than 2 or 3 years, etc.
I’m sharing all of this because, I think, at the heart of it all, what has made me happy is to just embrace whatever Life throws at me and not try to put too many labels or benchmarks on anything. If I had stuck to a “plan for happiness” that I had plotted out at age 21, I would certainly not be happy now! That was 25 years ago and one can only hope that they would change, grow and develop within that amount of time. Some things – such as having children or funding your IRA – are best done within a certain timeframe – i.e. women can only have children till their mid-40s or so and IRAs can only support your future if you fund them regularly and start them as soon as possible. Other things, like buying a house, visiting Paris, learning to fly-fish, etc. can be done whenever you’d like and that is what makes living so joyous – there is flexibility and there are stages that offer more freedom than others.
I find great happiness in my relationships with others and make it a point to keep in touch with people from all the different phases of my life – I value that connection to my past and to the people who valued me at times when, perhaps, I didn’t value myself or struggled with some problem – for me, that is a deep part of my happiness – knowing that there are people whom I love and who love me for what we all are – just people trying to enjoy this life we are living. I am also close to my family and that is another factor to my personal happiness. Another source of joy for me is giving back to the community – I am involved at my son’s school and in our town/county activities and charities. In a way, I consider that my “religion” of sorts – the act of giving brings me happiness and a sense of self/place in this world.
I’m telling you my story, but my point is to say we all have our own story and we all have our own paths to follow. I think you could find some direction from Gretchen Rubin’s book, “The Happiness Project”, and also, possibly, from community involvement and/or a church community. Also, think about your relationships – you shouldn’t always expect your friends to give – sometimes we are just takers for a while – but if the relationship doesn’t have a good mix of give and take over time, then you may have a toxic relationship that you need to phase out or just end. If you do not feel good about yourself or your friend after a phone call or a visit, then that is probably not a good friend for you to have. Friends who drag you down or cause you angst are not friends to surround yourself with when you are trying to be happy and at peace.
Good luck with your road to happiness. It’s something we all deserve to find – but don’t expect it to always be easy and certainly don’t expect it to be a clear path. You can plan parts of it, but you also have to be able to roll with the punches. Personally, I like the surprises the best – keeps Life interesting!
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p.s. Happy Easter, everybody!
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@Elizabeth:
Thanks for the advice :]
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Great story!
My mom is one of my best friends and me and my siblings try to talk at least once a week (my brother lived with us for awhile) So if it is important to you to be around people with strong family connections keep looking, there are plenty of us around.
I do want to speak up for the west (Washington myself) and say not keeping in touch with your family is not a “western” thing.
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One of the keys to being happy and debt free is to not have the H1N1 (they HAVE ONE so I NEED ONE) syndrome, a.k.a “Keeping up with the Jones.” Things do not bring happiness, it can only come from within.
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This is an interesting post, but I wonder what your friends will think when/if they read it.
It does sound like you don’t “really” like your “friends.” That said, it is difficult to find kindred spirits when your idea of happiness conflicts with the norm.
I do hope your profiled friends don’t read this, however. It would most likely hurt their feelings.
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#8
In college, I felt trapped on a path where I was putting alot of energy into doing what I was “supposed” to do. I counteracted that by having a dream of going to Manchester England after college. To me, that dream represented a purely personal goal, completely unprescribed, unpractical, unusual (not London or Paris) and it motivated me through the tough times. While I hated my architecture studies and my first jobs after school, years later I’ve found a path in architecture that I love and feel my past “bad” experiences weren’t a waste after all.
It sounds like you could use some more work/life balance – maybe one of your majors becomes a minor or you cut back on volunteer work? While you question engineering now, maybe it becomes useful in a way you didn’t imagine in the future (allows you to create unique and intricate art somehow?) It might be worth it in the long run to suffer a bit in college, to build a foundation of opportunity, then cut loose from expectations afterwards when you enter the job market phase. Just promise yourself you WILL cut loose at some point.
Disappointing parent’s expectations – ugh. Hard but part of growing up. Good luck!
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@ Michael Crosby:
You’re absolutely right…thank you.
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xNik89x– you sound a bit burned out. Why did you decide on engineering and art? Are those reasons still valid? Do you need to be doing a double major at all? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you can cut back without completely dropping school for a year. I only took fun classes for credit my senior year and audited the difficult ones for which I wanted to learn the material but not worry about the exams.
On the other hand, as a residential adviser at an science/engineering school I helped many students take a semester off to refocus and refigure out what their goals were– and that helped. They could come back, drop electrical engineering, and take up creative writing (or come back and attack EECS with renewed energy and less worry about grades). But generally they were feeling more stress than just regular burn-out. Perhaps taking the summer off from work/volunteering/classes could help you refocus and figure out if engineering is something you want to do.
Depending on how your school is set up you can also talk to your resident tutor or a counselor or career counselor.
My husband decided to drop his CS minor in college (double engineering major)… sometimes he regrets it, but for the most part he can pick up the missing CS stuff on his own (he mainly regrets not taking algorithms–he’s currently going through a textbook). My cousin dropped pre-med halfway through school and decided to do theater– now she is happily managing a theater. Often during graduate school (usually before exams) I wondered if perhaps library science was what I was really meant to do (instead of economics)… and if I’d dropped out I probably would have been just as happy as I am now, but I also enjoy my job (and freedom and security) with the degree. There are a lot of paths to happiness.
Oh also: I found a lot more happiness in graduate school when I focused only on learning what I thought was interesting or would be important and to not stress out about what I wouldn’t use. Now, as a professor I’m a little leery of advising that because I teach stats and my students NEED that class later on but don’t necessarily believe they will need it when they’re taking it (they tell me that a LOT when they are graduating). But, if you have solid information that you’ll need what you learn in say labor economics but not what you learn in macroeconomics… you can focus on doing the minimum for macro and spend that time on labor. And focusing on learning and material is much more important and healthy than focusing on grades. (Unless that’s too proscriptive… perhaps your mileage may vary– maybe some people get happiness not caring about the material and only caring about the grades… I kind of doubt it though.)
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Interesting. I’ve lived life… somewhat on my own terms. I’d say that of my major life decisions, my parents negatively influenced me on 2 of them and I made another 4 or so in the way I wanted to (3 of which they probably approved of anyway.)
I’m in grad school and hope to become a professor. I want to do those things, but I increasingly find that they’re ill-suited to having babies (which is something else I’ve always wanted to do, and something that I feel ready for, even though it seems unlikely I’ll be able to for another 5 years.) I find it rather odd that because of making the “right” life choices, I will be constantly delayed from having children that I think will bring me a lot of happiness. But people who make the “wrong” choices (e.g. get pregnant unintentionally or what have you) get to have instant gratification. Of course, it won’t be easy for either me or them, I’m sure, because kids are always a lot of work– I’ll have more money; they might have more time– but it does seem that I’m being dis-rewarded for having made the “proper” life choices for this day and age- which, by and large, I wanted to make.
In other words, I do want the A,B,C,D kind of happiness– well, for me, that would be education, marriage, job, kids; I don’t really care that much about the house until “someday”. But, I also feel happy now. I love being in school. I haven’t put off my happiness until I get those things. Does that mean I shouldn’t be jealous of my friends’ babies?
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Nicole:
Wow, I didn’t even consider all of the possibilities. As Elizabeth pointed out earlier, it’s easy to imagine that you are experiencing college difficulties alone. I decided to take some “fun” summer courses (i.e. printmaking) pertaining to my general education requirements. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I truly appreciate it!
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Thank you so much for that. It’s something I needed to hear. I’ve been feeling guilty because I’m about to give up a steady job where I make decent money (but where I’m not happy) to move back north (where I am happy) to become a freelance editor, work that isn’t guaranteed but makes me happy. I have debt, but like you said, it will get paid off eventually, just maybe not as fast as I’d like. I can’t put my life on hold for some point in the future when I’ll be “financially secure” enough to do what makes me happy.
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wow. i dunno if it’s just me but the females around me seem a lot more materialistic.
tho, if only i got a perfect job i’ll be happy ^_^
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I’m not sure that we actually get happiness by “seeking for it”. I think you find it along the way along with contentment. To quote the Bible, Solomon sought for everything with all the money in the world, and didn’t find anything fulfilling–money, women, activities.
I do think that if you find something that fulfills you/gives you purpose, then you will be happy. Unfortunately often “searching for happiness” doesn’t work, even as Tyler K. (#24) pointed out, because many people have no idea what they want, but they have go somewhere, do something so they go along.
I think one thing to remember is that we all have our insecurities. We all seem to think the other person is the one who has “arrived” and we are the only ones unsure of ourselves. This could be why this girl’s friend took up each of the hobbies she did–maybe the other girl was/is insecure, and is searching for that security–figuring if it is great for the writer of the post, then maybe it will be great for her as well.
Sarah (#13)–there are many women who are stay-at-home moms. Count your blessings if you can do it and “go for it”! We need more of you. I had a friend who was the only one on her block and the kids in the neighborhood tended to hover at her house after school (along with her own kids, of course). Be secure in your own decisions and don’t let other people decide your life for you. Sometimes the stupidest advice comes loudest and longest…and most often unasked for.
When it comes to having children, people feel an unaccountable need to give unasked for advice to pregnant women, new couples, etc. Get used to it.
(Since I just gave you some!)
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What a wonderful article! (I’d be interested in reading more from this author). Kudos to her for standing firm in what she believes and making a life for herself that she enjoys. Great insight, I’m very inspired.
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#41 Anna– I made the decision not to let any job dictate my personal life. There’s a lot more lee-way about these choices when you’re not planning to land at one of the top 10 schools. You can still be at an R1 and have babies on your own time table. Heck, in economics even some of these top 10 places are seeing untenured assistant professors with children (wouldn’t try it at Princeton… but it hasn’t seemed to hurt some amazing women at other schools).
In fact, a lot of those things everybody seems to believe in academia aren’t really true. I know plenty of people across several disciplines who have taken a few years working “real” jobs who then return to academia, something I was told couldn’t be done. It can.
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You go Joann! There is absolutely nothing in this life that you are “supposed” to do. You seem to have a good handle on that idea now, but hold tight to it in the future when other social pressures will likely weigh on you even more heavily. As alluded to by several posters, happiness isn’t a fixed destination you can get to by going from A to B to C in that order, but rather a series of forks in the road. And when you follow your heart at each one, voila: you wind up at happy (the implication being, it’s a different place for everyone!). Maybe those forks will take you from A to B to C – or maybe they’ll lead you from B to C to A, or straight to D, or you’ll decide that C isn’t looking so good, so you’re happy to stay at B. Just because people tell you that C is good for you, that you should go there, doesn’t mean it actually is or that you actually should!
And, to xNik89x’s question: how do you know what’s actually good for you, what will make you happy? I’ve found that it’s a lot about knowing what’s important to you, and recognizing that you can’t have it all. So what’s important to you? Is it financial security, fulfilling your parents’ dreams, having a prestigious job, having a happy relationship, working at something you’re passionate about, achieving a professional position of authority and responsibility, or being free to act on your whims? Probably a little of all of those, if you’re like the rest of us. However, knowing which 1, 2, or 3 are REALLY going to make you happy will help you enormously in deciding which of those forks in the road to follow in order to make your heart happy — as long as you know what’s really going to make YOU happy, not someone else. Fulfilling your parents’ dreams is a great example: when you imagine yourself as whatever they want you to become, how does that make you feel? Are you excited by it? Or are you resigned, knowing they’ll be happy but chafing on the inside? One way or another, the truth will always out — either in mental or physical stress. If you still find yourself compelled to do something that’s not your heart’s desire, perhaps for practical purposes, I think one way to mitigate the stress is knowing why, roughly for how long, and exactly what you want to get out of it. Otherwise, it’s too easy to get stuck on a road you didn’t want to take in the first place, and watch as all the other forks that could make you happy recede irretrievably out of sight as you go further and further down it.
That said, I agree with the poster who recommended going ahead and getting those degrees — analytical skills are always useful, and transferabl to so many things! Just make a plan that includes WHY you are doing it — knowing this will keep you motivated. And if you can’t figure it out, tweak that plan until you arrive at a set of goals/degrees/majors that both have practical value, AND inspire you with some passion.
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I’ve always been a loaner, so I cant really relate to having a close connection with someone to compare myself to, but I can relate more on a community level. I think its natural for me to live my life on my own terms, not what people around me are doing. I may have nice purses, take the bus, ride my bike, buy a car – or all of the above My choices are not influenced by other people. Maybe that’s just a part of being a loaner.
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A source of the resentment in your friendships may be the lack of validation your friends perceive. Your choices reject their “values”/beliefs of what is “important”. Insecurity is often an unacknowledged component in our behaviors.
Your post sounds as if you’ve discovered what makes you content/happy at this stage in your life. That may or may not change. I wish your friends the best of luck in taking the time to ask themselves, “Whats important to me?”
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