This guest post from Joann is part of the “reader stories” feature here at Get Rich Slowly. Some reader stories contain general “how I did X” advice, and others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure.
I’ve been a Get Rich Slowly reader for about a year now, and I can honestly say I’ve picked up quite a bit of direction from you and your contributors. I wanted to share something with you that I feel like people keep missing. I’ve had some difficulties with a couple of people in my life, and I watched and analyzed a long time to try to figure out from where our problems stemmed. It was most definitely the “happiness” issue.
A little background
In 2008 I moved from the East Coast to Portland, Oregon. I’m single, no kids. I have two Master’s degrees and a shiny new BMW’s-worth of student loan debt. (I work in public service so I only have to pay 10 years on it and the remainder will be forgiven.) I have eight college years’ worth of credit-card debt (roughly a Kia), but it’ll get paid off.
My car is paid off and I live in a one-bedroom apartment outside of Portland. I don’t have a lot of extra money rolling around every month, but I certainly have everything I need and quite a bit of what I want.
I landed the exact job I wanted (with health insurance and a decent retirement system), and I get paid to drive around Oregon (in someone else’s car). I go to the coast and stand on the beach because I can. I play tennis because I wanted to learn how. I paint even though I have pretty much no artistic talent. I make sure to appreciate one thing about every single day. My life isn’t perfect, but I can honestly say that I am happy.
A different world
I’ve noticed two things since I’ve been here:
- One, the people are very different from those on the East Coast. My family is very close — I’m in touch with my parents, grandparents, and at least a couple of aunts/uncles and cousins every week, and I’m always in touch with my brother. This isn’t unusual among my friends “back home.” To my friends here, this is a relatively foreign concept; once you become a teenager, it seems, you call family on holidays and special occasions, and that’s about it. I don’t know if that affects happiness, but being part of a family community, even from so many miles away, definitely stabilizes me and enables me to be happy.
- The second thing I’ve noticed goes back to my friends and the problems we’ve had. The reality is, I’m happy so I really don’t care about much (if that makes sense). I don’t think I should be either out at bars or joining eHarmony because I’m approaching 30 and “should” be in a serious relationship, I don’t think it matters that I bought my coffee maker at Walmart and my coffee beans at Fred Meyer, I don’t care to wear name brand clothes, it doesn’t matter that I don’t live in Beaverton, I think (for me) that buying a house that I don’t want because of a tax rebate is stupid, and I don’t have anything to prove to anyone.
This last point has endlessly frustrated two of my friends (and me), and I think I’ve figured out why. It’s not necessarily that people are postponing happiness. It’s that they believe there’s a fixed approach to finding happiness. If they do A, B, and C in that order, as appropriate by age, gender, and profession, they will be happy because that’s how people get happy.
There’s no fixed path to happiness
One of my friends is a computer programmer; he approaches all problems with that engineer problem-solving approach. For lack of a better explanation, he can’t just roll with it, figuring out the things that make him happy along the way. For him, there has to be a systematic solution because certain inputs net certain outcomes.
The other friend I’ve had problems with is not an engineer, but she’s very based on this idea that taking the right steps in the right order — college, job, spouse, house — is what leads to happiness.
Along the way she decided, when I bought a couple of paintings by an artist that I am very much inspired by, that she too would be an “art collector” (of the same artist). I love to cook and try new recipes, or even just experiment with the stuff in my cupboards, so she became a new-recipe-experimenter (with her very expensive cookware). I wore a sundress, she wanted to be a “dress wearer.” (My favorite quote here is “They say imitation is the highest form of flattery… I just think it’s annoying” – Pink).
In the meantime, she nags at me that I should be doing eHarmony, I should be moving downtown to the Pearl, I should, I should, I should do all of these things that are not aiding in her happiness. It’s not unlike what my programmer friend says: I should buy different coffee because the internet says it’s better, I should live in a different apartment complex because it’s gated and more expensive — thus, better. And so on, endlessly.
To each her own
Very long story short, it’s not that my friends don’t want to be happy, or that they’re postponing being happy in favor of surviving. It’s that they don’t know how to be happy because it’s not something that can be taught and there’s no fixed set of steps to make it happen.
As a result they’re constantly “renewing” themselves and floundering trying to figure out why they feel something is missing. It has created resentment between my friends and me because I refuse to conform to their misery, and they aren’t capable of understanding that happiness is individual, not fixed. I don’t know if there’s a way to help them — and maybe that’s why people writing about finding happiness don’t really touch on it, since they’re banking on people buying into their steps and it would be counterproductive to say “go forth and be merry on your terms.”
Reminder: This is a story from one of your fellow readers. Please be nice. After nearly a decade of blogging, I have a thick skin, but it can be scary to put your story out in public for the first time. Remember that this guest author isn’t a professional writer, and is just learning about money like you are.
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@#8
I feel moved to post because ten years ago I was in a very similar situation to what you are in now. I hated my engineering degree while I was doing it. I studied abroad in England my junior year to avoid it and had the time of my life (although I was still doing engineering I managed to fit in a lot more drinking…) I tried everything possible to avoid going back to my degree at home for my senior year, but all of the options required years of additional school and money (I was *slightly* lacking in liberal arts credits!
.
In the end, I stuck out my degree. I also took my F.E., but only because I had already paid for it.
Years later, I am happy with my decision. Like #31 I have found a path in engineering which works for me. Having technical, in-demand skills has allowed me to work overseas for the last four years, which none of my friends have been able to do (visas are hard to come by unless you have high level technical skills).
Engineers are respected the world over and I personally believe that the options available to you will continue to grow over the next 10 years (in the far East, in India and in Brazil). I think you may find that the “typical” role of an engineer is changing and that after your first couple years of grunt work you will have many, many options open to you if you look for them.
Also, because I chose to stick it out in engineering I have a salary that allows me a lot of flexibility in my financial choices and I have a fairly recession-proof career (I work in infrastructure).
So my 2p (British 2 cents) is to stay with it for the next few years and then make a switch in your mid to late 20′s if it really isn’t working for you. A completed engineering degree really is money in the bank.
But I’m sure lots of other people would disagree, and I recognise that my advice is definitely not in keeping with the “live life on your own terms” theme of this blog
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Great post, Joann! I will stick up for the west coast and say that we’re just as connected to family as anywhere else in the country. I’m a fellow young, single Portland girl and I talk to my Mom every week and visit a couple times a year. My sister is my best friend, and we actually live together since she decided to move up here as well. And the people trying to get you to live in the Pearl? Girl, most Portlanders would not even recommend that!
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What a great topic. Here are a few things that have served me as interesting things to mull over…
SHIBUMI- grace under pressure.
Very Few Things Truly Matter.
What Other People Think Of Your Life Choices Doesn’t Matter.
Think Things Through. It’s Your Life. Your Brain.
Turn Off The TV.
and last,
Pobody’s Nerfect.
Thanks for letting me share my accumulated wisdom!
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This is an excellent article, Joann! It really suits some things that have been rolling around in my head lately.
I have a friend who, although she is quite a bit older than I, is very unexperienced in the world of relationships. She sometimes talks to me about how she feels relationships should be, and I feel like she’s just setting herself up for disappointment. Especially when she told me that she believes that if two people date for two years and have not gotten married that the relationship will fail.
I’ve told her that I feel every relationship works differently and you just have to see how it goes, but I don’t think it’s having much of an impact, so she may end up ending a relationship with a guy who seems amazingly well suited to her just because they don’t have enough money saved up for a big wedding yet. So sad… I hope she is able to figure out how to let go of the expectations of others as a basis for happiness someday and just embrace life.
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@Sarah:
I too am 25, married with 2 kids so far, and LOVE staying home with my boys!! Don’t let anyone look down on you for staying home — there is no job more important than mother!
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I wouldn’t worry about them, frankly. You’re happy and we’re all only here for a short time. I actually have shut some people out of my life because they are so negative. Shouldn’t you be surrounding yourself with those who share your like goals? I think that is what this site recommends. I agree with that. I too am surprised how many people — without being asked — offer very strong opinions about “what you should be doing about x.” An unsolicited opinion is just that. Unsolicited. Unwanted. But they are your friends and we all need social bonds. It’s a difficult question. Anyway, great post. Happiness is what we all should be striving for, ultimately, after we clean up our finances.
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Great post.
I work for a major investment bank in NYC. I was at a meeting recently where an adviser told us about a client who graduated from Havard Law School and worked for a major firm (making a ton of money). After about 4.5 years, she quit bc she wanted to be a personal trainer. I found it inspiring to hear a story like that. It coincides with the article is really try to convey.
In “Little Miss Sunshine”, there’s a scene where the son and Steve Carrell are standing on a dock talking about life and how t find happiness. It’s ends with the son saying, “Do what you love and ‘forget’ the rest.” It’s something that always stuck with me because it’ so true.
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Joann, I LOVED this piece!! You are happy on your own terms, you figured out how to do that. I am so proud of you!! I wish I’d figured it out when I was still young enough to go forth and enjoy.
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Yes, it’s true that lots of west coasters don’t have the gigantic extended families that are the norm on the east coast, but don’t slam us for that. We love our families here just as much as everyone else does. And we don’t have to live on top of each other to do it, either.
Not to mention that your new friends here in the west don’t seem to match up to your old friends back east- you slam your engineer friend because of the way he approaches problems, because you wouldn’t do it that way. He’s clearly wired to think like this, otherwise he wouldn’t have become an engineer in the first place. Yes, it can get tiresome for those of us who don’t think in such a linear fashion, but it does come in handy sometimes. Maybe you could make some effort to appreciate his line of thinking instead of running a constant internal critique of him instead. You might actually learn something.
The other friend sounds like someone who still feels the only way to be friends is to be exactly like the people she’s with. I’m sure once she finds a boyfriend, she will abandon herself completely in favor of everything he’s into. Then, 10 years down the road, she’ll wonder what the hell happened to herself.
This is what I have learned about happiness: the only one who can make you happy is you. You cannot spend your life waiting upon others to make you happy, show you how to be happy, or do the one secret special thing that would make you happy (because if they truly loved you, they would know what that one secret special thing is). Simply put, YOU are responsible for your own happiness. You and only you. On that point, we agree. You cannot teach someone else to be happy.
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I LOVED this! I am a person who came to the west coast in 1981 from England. I LOVE the West Coast-Im VERY happy here-but much of what you say is so true. I was very disturbed to see these very things in 1981. In England we are or were taught to build character, which stays with you always, so your choices are consistent-in CA everyone reinvents themselves periodically almost as if there was no “there” there…. (see post #5) I had a roommate who pressured me into this type of thing for these same reasons-but she was not happy and I was -following my dream career in my way. I concluded in CA you have to be different-but in exactly the same way as everyone else….. You cant really be different differently, odd as that sounds. Whereas in England, true eccentricity is appreciated or at least tolerated without much comment if only for the sake of good manners (fast disappearing alas). I still lead a highly unconventional life-for an Indian woman-single, no kids, high powered career, family miles away-Im thinking a BF might be nice, but am not really sorry I made the choices I did. To be yourself you need a strong core-and the West Coast culture alas does not always provide it. On the other hand, after moving across the US three times, Ive returned to the West Coast for good-it is great here and there are lots of stable sensible people-you just need to find them.
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I am 57 and over the last year I have discover there is much happiness if I look. At work everyone is complaining how bad their job is. But when I look for the bright side, little things pop up. Like I can bring CD’s of my favorite music and listen to them. I work in a clean, dry, warm room. So many other people would kill for these working conditions. Yet my fellow workers miss this.
I have learn to read for short moments, like waiting for kids to get out of practice, rehearse, etc. Some people complain they need a couple of hours to enjoy reading. I happy for 5 minutes.
It is your choice how to view your life.
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Good post, but I agree with those who said that disconnecting from family isn’t a general West Coast thing. I know some people I went to high school with who did (for specific reasons), but not the majority, and there are always going to be people who aren’t close to their family for whatever reason.
I am not close to my extended family (who are split between midwest, southwest, and California, although if you go to more distant older cousins on my dad’s side, New England), but I talk to an email my mom several times a week. Most of my high school friends had more extended family locally and remained close to them as well.
Anyway, there are plenty of people in Portland who are happy with what they have or have reasonably attainable goals, and plenty of people who are close to their families. I think you’ve just fallen into a different social group.
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Anna, good for you for noticing the problem. I was in denial about it. Job market stank when I got out (I didn’t really get the picture on the systematic overproduction of PhDs, either), so I wound up without the academic job and also without children, when my plan had been to have both (which is possible–I’ve known women who’ve done it–but it’s definitely challenging).
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You have found the meaning of true wealth! Congrats to you!
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Great post — thank you for sharing it.
I’ve spent (and still tend to spend) a lot of time living in the “if and then” rather than the “here and now.” When I am able to focus on my inner thoughts and be present, I am very happy and satisfied with the great gifts of life.
I used to spend a lot of time telling (or thinking and not telling) other people what they should or should not do, but I have been learning to focus on myself and stop giving advice. When others tell me what I should or should not do, I let it roll off my back now that I understand that they are unhappy with some aspect of their own life and that is making them try to “advise” others on how to live. I used to really be affected by what others thought I should do, even though it wasn’t what I wanted.
Now that I focus on my own inner voice, I spend more time on my own (very happily), and when I am with friends, my decision not to tell them what they should do has really improved my relationships.
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Good post, thanks for sharing. I’ve got a friend just like the one you described with her great new cookwear and coincidentally exact same taste in artwork. She recently got involved in a new hobby of mine, but in a “bigger” way, purchasing every new tool available on the market. Very annoying, I agree!
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I think you said it very well indeed. We live in a time of happiness galore, maybe because our basic needs have been met, now we have time to worry about things like, “am I truly happy”?
I am reading a couple of great books right now that touch a bit on these ideas: One titled the “Paradox of Choice” as well as “Bright Sided”. I have read and listened too most of what we would describe as self improvement books and even endured such books as “the Secret” attempting to hone in on the “law of attraction”.
I am a father of two beautiful children, I have a wonderful family, we live in a house that has lost 25% of it’s value since we bought it in 2007.
I have tried very hard to get back to a place of peace. The last few years have been about learning, growing from a well defined path in my 20′s, to finding purpose and meaning in life in my 30′s.
Happiness does depend on our past choices, but more about our ability to see hope in our future ones. Also not eliminating regret (because I think it is impossible) but learning how to deal with it. You, touched on what I think is very important to happiness and is often the subject of this blog, less is often much much more!
I hope you find all the joy, love and happiness that life can bring, and although there will be times of difficulty, this is just part of the journey, continue to be yourself, don’t join the rat race, and read get rich slowly, I wish I had about 3 years ago (smile)!!!
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To the girls who’ve said people criticized them for wanting to be SAHM’s — Can we PLEASE trade?! I’m 21, married for 3 years and I can’t get people to stop pestering me about having kids, DO NOT WANT! But hey, if it’s your thing more power to you.
I’m just tired of everyone expecting me to go and pop out babies when I’ve barely lived any life. (Probably the military thing, though. Everybody our age has kids. Literally.)
To me, happiness is being able to spend money on my cars and enjoy them.
I will also be chasing down the life I want to, while finishing a degree I’m less than enthused about. (Human Resources, if I had it my way I would have never went back to school so young. It was too young and I didn’t know enough to know then what I’d enjoy, now I pay the price in student loans.)
I’m going to start working to build up my own business, though. We’re moving to Washington state this summer, so I’m taking my chance to wipe the slate sorta clean and try something new! I won’t be happy with myself if I don’t take my chance to try.
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Setting your own terms for happiness is sound advice and I wish more people took that to heart. I have to disagree with your assessment of westerners though—it’s a terrible generalization. I’m originally from the PDX area and my family is spread out from the Idaho panhandle to the San Francisco Bay area (and AZ when grandma is snowbirding) and we make time to see and talk to each other on a regular basis, as is the case with most of my friends where I live now and “back home.” The fiance and I are currently contemplating a move to North Carolina and the thought of being physically that far away from family is killing me.
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Often, what we think should make us happy prevents us from being happy.
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While I agree wholeheartedly with living life on your own terms, I would also temper this with a message to choose your battles with a view to winning the war.
I have made poor choices in my bid to living life on my own terms. I studied an undergraduate degree that I felt very drawn to, with no real professional prospects, and incurred a $50K debt I will likely carry until it is forgiven at my death. I still pay off that debt fifteen years on, working in a completely different field and with very little interest in the subject matter that was for a time the object of my obsession. That decision has cost me and my family dearly, and contributed to my little boy and I living in poverty for many years before I finally turned things around.
I’m not saying you should live on other people’s terms forever, but there has to be a middle ground. You can play society’s dumb games for 5-10 years and set yourself up for life, if you’re so inclined. Then you can do whatever you want to do forever.
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Just some advice…first, I would explain the coffee thing to your computer programming friend in terms of a cost-benefit ratio – why spend more if it doesn’t increase your satisfaction?
Second, let your other friend know that you will come to her if you get to a point where you want to reach out about relationships. She might be thinking that you need help but aren’t asking for it.
Third, it sounds like you need some new friends that can back up your point of view. Seems like you have some good “devil’s advocates” but not enough that read GRS and understand that money can’t buy happiness:)
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First, these were just a couple of my own observations. Obviously I’m not everywhere, don’t know everyone, and haven’t had every experience. I certainly don’t expect everyone to do things the way I do them, that defeats my whole point that there is NO one-size-fits-all approach.
A few people commented that I must not like my friends… my response is, in all honesty, it’s complicated. When it comes to this issue and these two particular friendships, I feel sorry for them (which admittedly, is no way to balance a relationship) and it frustrates me. I respect where they are in their lives and recognize that they have to figure things out for themselves. But I can’t deny, I have a difficult time finding a balance with those friendships at times, so they can be challenging to maintain. It doesn’t mean I consider them bad people or unworthy of friendship; of course they have good qualities that made us friends in the first place, but going into all of that would make my comments book-length instead of blog-length. This blog was just a snapshot of a couple of points I thought could be relevant.
And yes, I have actually asked them “why” at time… pointed out things that don’t seem to be working… shared my reasons for doing as I do (or for not doing what I’m told I should be doing). I’m no less honest in person than I am anonymously on the internet.
On a side note, I want to applaud those women who want to be stay-at-home-moms. And those who don’t. And those who want it all. People forget womens’ lib is about having the freedom to make those choices.
Someone asked – maybe rhetorically, maybe to me – what my reasons for going to college were. As far as I was concerned, there was never any other direction I wanted to go. I picked half a dozen majors and two undergrad programs before figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, definitely not enough experience at 18 to know who I was, much less what I could be passionate about. I was very fortunate that my parents gave me the freedom to do that, but part of it was learning from their mistakes. My mom went back to college at 45 to get her Bachelor’s and Masters degrees, my dad is career blue collar, and I knew that version of life wasn’t going to make me happy in the short term OR the long run. I never felt college was a burden, though… I love school and learning, and my problem ran more to the fact that I wanted to major in everything and had trouble narrowing down the choices. The end result was good for me.
I also just wanted to say that it’s tough fitting in every point in a few paragraphs of a blog. For example, a few people pointed out that there’s a middle ground between doing what needs to be done and what makes you happy… I don’t disagree with a lot of comments you all have made, I just didn’t think of some points, chose not to include some points (because I can’t say anything briefly
) and assumed others were implied.
I stand corrected on the west coast family issue. Happy Easter and thanks for being respectful in your comments
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As someone who has also moved to new cities many times, let me assure you that everyone always thinks that the culture they come from is the culture that has better values, stays in closer touch with family, is happier, etc. Grass is always greener.
Other than that one thing though, I agree with a lot of the stuff you said. More people should go out and be merry, rather than going out and doing what they THINK they should to go out and be merry.
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It’s good to be reminded of this age old advice. We lose track of happiness in this day and age of technology and ‘keeping up with the joneses’ no matter who they may be.
BTW – thank the taxpayers for paying off your student loans. Crazy that ‘public service’ employees get paid more on average (http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2009-12-10-federal-pay-salaries_N.htm), have a better retirement, and have their loans paid off by the rest of us private sector saps.
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Thank you Joann — I needed to read this today.
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While I definitely agree with the premise of the post – and was glad to see a post written about it – the message would have more powerful if the focus was centered more on your own thoughts and actions. The criticism of other people’s choices really undermined the message.
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Thank you Joann for sharing your insights.
I agree that happiness is a basic attitude – you can’t get there by following someone’s steps. And I honor you for choosing to be happy — in your own way.
Many books on happiness are, however, more in tune with your insight than you might think. Authors who have found some path that helped them to their own happiness are trying to pass it on to others. I am sure they have helped many readers, because I have been helped and over time have gone ‘from sad to glad’.
I also think there is at least something to the idea you take issue with: for many people the ‘standard’ happiness kit really helps. I got the house, the car, the wife, the kid, eventually the modest savings account for retirement. I didn’t get much of this until middle age. Over time, it came to make a real difference.
I didn’t get much of it until i was already a bit ahead in terms of shifting my attitude, so in that respect I certainly agree: philosophy comes first.
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I have a fairly simple take on how to be happy (in response to the article, commenter sashie, et al):
Keep your life as flexible as possible to follow what you see as the correct path.
We’ve (more or less) come to this conclusion, and the idea of being debt free was integral to this. We don’t have as large of a house, as new cars, or as fancy a neighborhood/school district… but we are living well within our means and have energy enough to pursue our goals.
Furthermore, we can change our goals without impacting our 30-year-plan.
I feel that keeping ourselves un-burdened with major long term large commitments (primarily debt) majorly, majorly open us up.
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Joann,
I agree with you re: family relationship differences. My wife is from Ohio and she’s very close to her family. Same with several other friends who moved from back east. I am a fourth generation Oregonian (we live by Orenco Station in Hillsboro) and I’m just not super close to my family.
In my personal experience, my relationships tend to be wider, but perhaps not as deep. So my wife and I tend to balance each other out well on that front.
Good luck in continuing to find happiness on your terms in Oregon (especially this time of year when the rain drags on a bit too long)!
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Sometimes, it’s far easier to take a look at others and judge them for their faults (according to our eyes) than to look inside of ourselves and judge ours.
Everyone’s experience is subjective but we get into this trap of thinking that everybody functions the way we function. So, the frustration your friends may have of you, it’s, as you said, because of them thinking that because I don’t feel happy doing this then my friend really isn’t happy.
It reminds me of the quote: “Misery loves company but company doesn’t love misery.”
Thanks for the post. Keep on being happy!
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What a great story.
Its true, you yourself have to define your own happiness.
And for those that don’t, it can have a serious affect on your finances, if you are chasing someone else’s version of happiness.
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Thanks for sharing Joann! This is a good core message and an interesting observation we don’t always hear.
However while the central theme of your post is about how happy you are, you demonstrate it by showing how frustrated you are with your friends, by how disdainful you are of a perceived negative cultural difference on the west coast (!?), and how irritated you are that other people do not see your happiness. It seems like an awful lot of drama to make the point that you are really, really happy.
There is a lot of perception in this post, and I wonder if perhaps some of it is imagined. That’s between you and yourself to decide, ultimately. I suspect that they probably are happy in their own way, but that they are more achievement driven and you are not. For goal-driven people, many of the things that are desired — such as kids AND a career — involve making trade-offs and some careful planning. We are starting to realize that, no, you cannot just wait until age 40 to have kids — you may not be able to, adoption may be far too unaffordable, and if you are able to conceive the child is far more likely to have an autism spectrum disorder. In other words, one can’t just “roll with it and see how things flow”, and if that’s important to them then some careful planning will make those things possible.
You criticize others for their choices when that is exactly the act that you express frustration with in your post. There is nothing wrong with a goal-driven life. If their own life drumbeat involves accomplishing A B and C, then I think you have to respect that by the token of the point of your post.
As a west coaster I won’t deny what you say about not being as close to family — but why sound so disdainful about it? Again, criticizing the practices of others, the same thing you speak against. It feels a little belittling (and touches a nerve as I would give anything in the world to have my family back alive whether we were close or distant). It’s not used again in your post so I’m not sure why it’s brought up.
I think the message about being true to yourself is a fantastic one but I think you’ve compromised your central argument in its demonstration. And perhaps been a little culturally insensitive in the process.
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When we purchased our current house back in 2003, one of my closest friends said, “You can’t live there — it isn’t nice enough!” Well. My husband is a dr and this friend couldn’t see why we would choose to buy a house that wasn’t HUGE, wasn’t in a gated community, that needed a bit of work (we’re big do-it-yourselfers), and that we could pay off within a couple of years.
In our eyes, this was a wonderful house. And it still is. And it’s paid for.
I think your message is “follow your gut and some common sense when making life decisions.” I totally agree.
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Hi
It is very difficult to know about one’s contentment level, as desire for getting more and more rises with every success. The article makes me at least think about my satisfaction level.
regards,
Keith Williams
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I love the comment above about “choosing to find joy”. We control our attitudes about the situations where we find ourselves.
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@ExpatEngineer & KZ:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom:)
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Great post and SO wise. Good for you for forging your own path. The “American Dream” of a big house and two cars and a big lawn and all of that makes me anxious to think about. For me, living “small” is just so much easier!!!
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Re Anna:
In my top 5 PhD program, I had children and still landed a great job! I don’t understand why you think you can’t have babies in a PhD program. For me, it was something I just couldn’t compromise because I have a fertility problem that would make it potentially impossible to conceive after 30. You should go for it if you have a good partner. About 3/4 of my program had kiddos.
But then I choose to turn down a #1 program for a #4 program for precisely the reason that I wanted a peer group that was family-oriented. The students at the #1 program didn’t have families or travel, they just worked all day. Maybe it is just your program that makes you feel that it is impossible to have kids in a PhD. We even had single mothers in my PhD!
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I’m happy that you find ways to be happy! I’ve come to realize that happiness is up to me. There are degrees of happiness and it’s up to each of us to find it where ever you can.
Being a Native Californian I’d have to disagree with you on the west coast people not being close to families. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m saying that I’m sure there people of either coast that may or may not be close to family. I don’t beleive this has to do with where you were born.
I to have had friends that are bit draining. Sometimes you out grow friends and or your way of life changes from theirs. If they can’t respect your decisions and you theirs it may be time to gently/kindly part ways.
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“…I should, I should, I should do all of these things that are not aiding in her happiness…”
I wish I could take credit for the following, but I read about it on another blog–I’ve tried it a few times and it seems to work fairly well:
When someone starts suggesting all the things you should do to make yourself happy, even if it doesn’t work for them, or lamenting their lack of happiness, even though they keep doing the same things that don’t work, ask them this: “So, how’s that working out for you?” It’s often enough to jar them into thinking about it and realizing a different approach is in order. Sometimes I get a “good!” or, usually, or more non-committal but vaguely positive response, so I follow up with, “Really?”
Give it a shot.
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@Meg (#68), my sister was married to the military and found that people were shocked that she was already married when she hadn’t even gotten pregnant yet. So, yes, it’s a whole different subculture!
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I am 53 years old and 9 years out of a HORRIBLE relationship. I have absolutely NO interest in dating. I joined eharmony and got no responses in 6 months and it made me feel VERY BAD about myself. I have many wonderful friends, a great little house, a life I enjoy and freedom to do things I have always wanted to do. I have a hard time letting myself be content b/c I am not interested in a romantic relationship. But this article makes me see I need to be content because I AM happy with where I am now. And I dont need to go searching for something that isn’t right for me right now. Thank you!
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I love this post!!! I am a reformed “happiness is just around the next corner” believer. Happiness is available to all of us now, in the moment, if we stop WAITING for it. I am a reformed shopaholic. In my previous relationship I got manicures (because that’s what women should do), I wore high heels (because that’s what women should do), and I shopped a lot (because that’s what women should do, or so I was told). And I was MISERABLE. Four years later I am holding my second degree, but working at a job I LOVE for significantly less money than my peers. But you know what? I am HAPPY at work. I also don’t get manicures anymore, don’t wear high heels, and don’t shop…unless it’s on my written list of clothing NEEDS. I have a new fiancee and we wear old t-shirts and jeans and run around the backyard with our dogs, and I have never been happier.
I guess my long rambling point is that when you get so caught up into listening to the “shoulds” of others, you lose the real “shoulds”, the ones that come from your inner authentic self. When you listen to and follow those you cease to care what others think you “should” do.
More rambling ahead – I’m getting married next spring and I have a lot of status concerned people telling me where and what I “should” register for. I “should” register for a programmable, expensive coffee maker because my $15 version is not elite enough…I “should” get China, etc. etc. Before I would have cared very much what these people think. Now, I just say “I’ll think about it.” And never give it another thought!
It is SO freeing to be yourself! (and for me, much cheaper!)
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Excellent post with great insight. Thanks for sharing.
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Thanks for the post! It was about time! I feel so identified with most of what you say! I am a 35 years old bachelor from Spain, and I have been overfed with that “prefab happiness” model for many time now. I pity the people who still swallow it. I guess many people is afraid of being different, thinking by themselves, etc… and there is also this tyranny of the left brain in all our decisions, maybe… I just want to be left alone, I don’t claim that my model is better than others’, but it’s perfectly respectable, and it is certainly mine. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Happiness is a state of being. Some people are perfectly happy shoveling feces, while others are miserable earning $1M/yr. It’s all about how people face their life situations, not which situations they end up facing.
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Great post. Over the past year or so, I have worked really hard with my finances and noticed that I have become extremely frugal in comparison to the people around me. Not to mention, they point it out many times themselves. I’ve been cutting things out of my life that I realize don’t make me happy, and things that I feel are wasteful spending. I recently started running in races again, which has been 5 years since high school. I re-realized one of my passions, and it makes me happy. I have enlisted in numerous races in my area, which all cost some amount of money. But the funny thing is that I don’t mind spending on these events because I’m doing something I really enjoy.
And to think, all this time I thought I was really stingy with my money. Come to find out, I just didn’t find anything I really wanted to spend it on.. until now!
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I’d echo a few of the commentators regarding your ‘friends’ – I’ve found that true friends will accept you for who you are and be there if you need help or ask advice. As I age, I realize the only person I can change is myself – having someone project onto me what they believe is right for them (or me) is immature.
Second, knowing yourself and what you value in relationships is the key for happiness. For some people it is emotionally close relationships with their families or friends – for some it’s a few very close relationships with key family or friends. For some it’s many acquaintances. AND it isn’t a west coast, east coast, US or non-US ‘thing.’ It’s more of a temperament or emotional state. There are some cultural components for sure.
Lastly, we usually find what we are looking for – i.e. that which we place in our minds drives our actions. That is why it is so important to carefully select what you allow yourself to think about and/or try and manifest from your thoughts. In you and/or your friends’ cases, you are thinking of different things – hence the ‘friction.’
I sense that you are frustrated by the friction – perhaps just accepting who they are and the way they are, they will settle down and minimize their ‘advice’ to you. If not, constructive confrontation may be in order – i.e.,”I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me what you think I should do and if you persist, I will be shortening or minimizing the time that I spend with you.”
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Perhaps it is just me, but I find it so bizarre to attempt to determine who is happier: you or your friends, and then to conclude who is better at finding happiness. Each of us have a different set-point as to happiness. I am a generally happy person and will generally find my own happiness. My husband is not a generally happy person and gets frustrated at life more easily. What compounds this issue that that my husband does not talk about the things that make him happy–he talks about those things which make him unhappy because they are unresolved. But I wouldn’t say that I am overall happier than he is–how can I know? We each have different rulers.
In fact, I cannot even measure my own happiness through its various stages. When I look back on my life, I thought I was happy 10 years ago. But now, I have two children, a husband, and a very fulfilling but demanding job. Looking back, I think I’m much happier now–and much more stressed. Life now is like a roller coaster, but I can’t imagine wanting to be any other place. Was I not happy then? Of course not. Frankly, it is impossible to determine my overall level of happiness and at which time I was happier because stress and pressure must be balanced with happiness. I have never known a greater happiness than seeing my children. I have never know greater stress than being responsible for those very same children.
When I read your post, I don’t feel the happiness–I hear defensiveness. I have an amazing friend who has shared his love of fine cuisine with me. I may not find the same level of happiness in those things, but that’s OK–I love hearing about his happiness, which makes me happy for him. Does an amazing meal make him happy for the rest of the day? Of course not. But it brings him pleasure and happiness at that moment. Does your coffee-loving friend not enjoy his coffee? I think he likely does. To me, it sounds like your friends are giving you suggestions because they care for you and they have obtained some happiness from those items and want to share the joy. If their suggestions make you feel defensive, I’d let them know. Or if they are so different that that it annoys you, let them go. Holding onto a friendship that brings such a negative reaction is likely not good for you–or them.
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