http://untemplater.com/manifesto/

“As a result they’re constantly ‘renewing’ themselves and floundering trying to figure out why they feel something is missing.”

That statement struck a chord in me. I feel as if I’m one of those folks. I live in NYC, and I have everything I need, but I’m not happy. Somedays are better than others, but overall I’m not comfortable in my skin. Something is missing. As a result, I’m constantly on the lookout for something new. A grand solution. It doesn’t help that I feel as lot of pressure to conform…

But then again, it must be very lonely at the top.

And Kevin #102, you are, as usual, very insightful.

I’m wary of anyone who touts their personal happiness in the same manner that more materialistic folks tout their expensive ‘stuff’. It’s a thinly veiled version of ‘look what I have and you don’t, ha ha.’ Nothing in life, even ‘happiness’, is static. Now that you’ve proclaimed that you’re both a happy and independent person, perhaps you could make an attempt at being a compassionate and non-judgemental one too?

That doesn’t mean a person shouldn’t be a SAHM, but it is something a person should go into with their eyes open and a back-up plan. Same thing with getting an English PhD… can’t tell you how many I’ve met that are angry that nobody told them that the job market sucked after graduation. Long-term happiness is important to consider and learning from others’ experiences might help you not make a short-term decision that hurts you later on. It’s a totally valid point.

And not misogynistic or warranting personal attacks. Kevin sounds like someone who actually knows and has talked with women over the age of 30, not a “frustrated miserable man who’s been rejected by women.”

#100 lil — awesome analysis. Right, how CAN you conclude like that?

Sorry to post this here. But I’m REEEEALLLY struggling right now but am afraid to jump, so to speak.

While I certainly agree that it’s important to be happy, I think that it’s dangerously easy to take this to an unhealthy extreme. If we see a friend wasting their life abusing drugs, should we “back off,” because they claim that all they really want, all that makes them happy, is getting high? Isn’t he just “marching to the beat of his own drum?” Finding his own path? Doing what makes him happy? What’s the difference?

You’d say, “he’s not really happy.” But if you ask him, he says he is. Who are you to presume whether or not he’s happy? Isn’t that precisely what the author just critisized her friends for doing? Again: what’s the difference?

It seems to me that this “happiness at all costs” attitude risks setting an individual up for enormous disappointment later in life. This instant-gratification mentality breeds an attitude of entitlement and selfishness that will inevitably lead to misery. Scroll up – I just read countless comments from women who boast about getting the education they wanted, then quitting their job and having babies at age 25, despite warnings from loving relatives, because they believe that being a stay at home mom is what will make them happy. But how “happy” will they be 10 years from now, if their marriage breaks down? How “happy” are unemployed single moms who haven’t had any job experience in a decade? How “happy” will they be when that student loan debt is still dogging them years down the road? But “waiting” to have kids makes them unhappy. They want kids now. And we all know that Generations X and Y are far too important to have to wait to get what they want. They deserve things now. “Waiting” is for unhappy losers like their parents. 300,000 iPad users with Visa cards just proved my point.

I think there’s value in sucking it up and making some sacrifices to ensure long-term happiness, even if it results in a little occassional “unhappiness” in the short term. The notion that no one should ever have to endure any unhappiness is a fantasy. The idea that life advice that doesn’t match what we “want” is worthless is arrogant. I think there’s a lot to be learned from those who’ve walked our paths before us.

Just FYI– my wife and I met via one of the dating sites. We weren’t matched, and in fact we were both kind of turned off the whole shtick, but we both happened to go to the same site-sponsored Academy Award watching party. Independently, we each figured that we weren’t going to wait for the dating pot to boil, but in the meantime having a beer and watching the Oscars on a big screen TV was not too bad of an evening. And while making fun of Bjork’s swan dress together, we clicked.

In fact, I cannot even measure my own happiness through its various stages. When I look back on my life, I thought I was happy 10 years ago. But now, I have two children, a husband, and a very fulfilling but demanding job. Looking back, I think I’m much happier now–and much more stressed. Life now is like a roller coaster, but I can’t imagine wanting to be any other place. Was I not happy then? Of course not. Frankly, it is impossible to determine my overall level of happiness and at which time I was happier because stress and pressure must be balanced with happiness. I have never known a greater happiness than seeing my children. I have never know greater stress than being responsible for those very same children.

When I read your post, I don’t feel the happiness–I hear defensiveness. I have an amazing friend who has shared his love of fine cuisine with me. I may not find the same level of happiness in those things, but that’s OK–I love hearing about his happiness, which makes me happy for him. Does an amazing meal make him happy for the rest of the day? Of course not. But it brings him pleasure and happiness at that moment. Does your coffee-loving friend not enjoy his coffee? I think he likely does. To me, it sounds like your friends are giving you suggestions because they care for you and they have obtained some happiness from those items and want to share the joy. If their suggestions make you feel defensive, I’d let them know. Or if they are so different that that it annoys you, let them go. Holding onto a friendship that brings such a negative reaction is likely not good for you–or them.

Second, knowing yourself and what you value in relationships is the key for happiness. For some people it is emotionally close relationships with their families or friends – for some it’s a few very close relationships with key family or friends. For some it’s many acquaintances. AND it isn’t a west coast, east coast, US or non-US ‘thing.’ It’s more of a temperament or emotional state. There are some cultural components for sure.

Lastly, we usually find what we are looking for – i.e. that which we place in our minds drives our actions. That is why it is so important to carefully select what you allow yourself to think about and/or try and manifest from your thoughts. In you and/or your friends’ cases, you are thinking of different things – hence the ‘friction.’

I sense that you are frustrated by the friction – perhaps just accepting who they are and the way they are, they will settle down and minimize their ‘advice’ to you. If not, constructive confrontation may be in order – i.e.,”I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me what you think I should do and if you persist, I will be shortening or minimizing the time that I spend with you.”

And to think, all this time I thought I was really stingy with my money. Come to find out, I just didn’t find anything I really wanted to spend it on.. until now!

I guess my long rambling point is that when you get so caught up into listening to the “shoulds” of others, you lose the real “shoulds”, the ones that come from your inner authentic self. When you listen to and follow those you cease to care what others think you “should” do.

More rambling ahead – I’m getting married next spring and I have a lot of status concerned people telling me where and what I “should” register for. I “should” register for a programmable, expensive coffee maker because my $15 version is not elite enough…I “should” get China, etc. etc. Before I would have cared very much what these people think. Now, I just say “I’ll think about it.” And never give it another thought!

It is SO freeing to be yourself! (and for me, much cheaper!)

I wish I could take credit for the following, but I read about it on another blog–I’ve tried it a few times and it seems to work fairly well:

When someone starts suggesting all the things you should do to make yourself happy, even if it doesn’t work for them, or lamenting their lack of happiness, even though they keep doing the same things that don’t work, ask them this: “So, how’s that working out for you?” It’s often enough to jar them into thinking about it and realizing a different approach is in order. Sometimes I get a “good!” or, usually, or more non-committal but vaguely positive response, so I follow up with, “Really?”

Give it a shot.

Being a Native Californian I’d have to disagree with you on the west coast people not being close to families. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m saying that I’m sure there people of either coast that may or may not be close to family. I don’t beleive this has to do with where you were born.

I to have had friends that are bit draining. Sometimes you out grow friends and or your way of life changes from theirs. If they can’t respect your decisions and you theirs it may be time to gently/kindly part ways.

In my top 5 PhD program, I had children and still landed a great job! I don’t understand why you think you can’t have babies in a PhD program. For me, it was something I just couldn’t compromise because I have a fertility problem that would make it potentially impossible to conceive after 30. You should go for it if you have a good partner. About 3/4 of my program had kiddos.

But then I choose to turn down a #1 program for a #4 program for precisely the reason that I wanted a peer group that was family-oriented. The students at the #1 program didn’t have families or travel, they just worked all day. Maybe it is just your program that makes you feel that it is impossible to have kids in a PhD. We even had single mothers in my PhD!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom:)

It is very difficult to know about one’s contentment level, as desire for getting more and more rises with every success. The article makes me at least think about my satisfaction level.

regards,

Keith Williams