Bigger Isn’t Always Better: Remembering to Appreciate What I Already Have
Published on - June 22nd, 2010 (by J.D. Roth) Walking home from work today, I decided to take the long way. Most of the time, I choose the easy quarter-mile stroll downhill from the office to our happy half acre (or happy .62 acre, if you’d like to be precise). But to celebrate the first day of summer, I took the river-forest loop.
The river-forest loop is exactly what it sounds like: a series of quiet streets that wend along the east bank of the Willamette River, easing their way beneath stands of tall oak, fir, and pine. It’s three miles from our house down the river-forest road and back again. I choose this route when I need exercise or want to think. And, on days like today, I choose it to soak up the scenery.
As I walked, I looked at the trees and the river and the lake. I listened to the birds. I watched the squirrels go about their squirrely business. I nodded to the neighbors, and (strangely enough) I encountered three different loose dogs traipsing around unleashed, each of which was pleased to spend some time walking with me a ways.
After a while, I stopped looking at nature and started looking at the homes. The river-forest loop has some great houses. In fact, the side of the street next to the river is lined with what can only be described as mansions. The homes are stately and ornate, with beautiful, manicured lawns. (Rumor has it that one of these homes belongs to Will Vinton, of California Raisins fame.)
I’ve looked at these homes before — and even have my favorite (which I’m dying to buy if it ever goes on the market) — but usually in just a cursory fashion. Today, I really looked at them. And as I looked, I began to covet.
“I want a house like that,” I thought as I passed the new house built from river rock and brick. “Or maybe one like that,” I mused while considering the next lot, which includes a tennis court.
I imagined what it would be like to live in homes like these, homes with arched double-door entries, vaulted ceilings, and wrap-around porches. How much would it cost? (And where would I get the money?) What would this new, wealthier J.D. be like? What would I do? How great would my life be?
But my imagination really took flight when I saw that one of the homes was for sale. I stopped at the top of the driveway to admire all of the gables, the fountain, and the three-car garage. I pictured the other side, which must sit right at the river’s edge. (The above cell-phone photo is of this house. It’s listed for $2.3 million, or almost ten times what we paid for our house.)
“Wow,” I thought. “If only I could afford a place like that!”
Yes, J.D. If only. And then what? Would that make you satisfied?
As I resumed my walk, my route led me back through normal neighborhoods: ranch houses and minivans and small city lots. Several folks were out working in their yards, just as I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. Like me, they’re trying to make their homes look as pretty as possible.
Suddenly it occurred to me that I didn’t need some fancy dream house. I already have one. I recalled the excitement that Kris and I felt when we first found our current place back in 2004. We thought it was perfect. Our hearts broke when we thought we’d lost the home by $500. And our spirits soared when the prospective buyers backed out. When we moved in, we were overwhelmed, but mostly in a good way. We thought this was our dream house.

Our home, which we call Rosings Park.
You know what? It is our dream house. And I have a great life already, even without a fountain or a riverfront view. Here it was, three in the afternoon on the first day of summer, and I was walking home from work. And here I was again, half an hour later, plopped on a park bench writing a blog post in a notebook while all around me kids played tennis and basketball. At home I’d grill some steaks and pet my cats and read a couple of comic books. What more could I ask for? (Well, besides for Kris not to be on the road for work, that is.)
I’m always urging others to appreciate what they have. When you feel that aching urge to keep up with the Joneses, when you wake up and realize you’ve begun to succumb to lifestyle inflation, it’s time to pause and take stock of what you have. When you slow down and really appreciate what you already own, you can often slake the thirst for something bigger and better. Maybe it’s time to take my own advice.
In my case, I reminded myself that although our house has been a little rough around the edges lately, that’s mostly because I haven’t had time to take care of the property like I ought to. After I’m through with my big yardwork push, and now that we’ve repaired the sewer line, and after we purge a little more Stuff, I’ll feel much better about our place again. We’ll have people over. We’ll laze in the afternoon sun. We’ll pick peas and berries from the garden.
I’m smart enough to realize that a $2.3 million dream home won’t make me any happier than where we live now. I think I’ll stay put.
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BTW J.D. I’m curious. If you were to tell the story of the imagined people who live in that dream house, what would it be? I wonder if that has something to do with the attraction– the idea that home reflects master. Clearly something about that house tells you something positive of the fantasy owner that resonates in you.
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Hey JD & Holly
Sorry, it is metaphorically. I live in MO.
That being said, I am impressed with the link to the 2009 comment. I firmly believe what I wrote then, and now.
The point is all types of people read this blog. Young, old, rich, poor.
It is a great blog regardless. And don’t justify to yourself withholding of desire. That desire is what pushes you to accomplishments.
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Madeline – I do tend to think lifestyle inflation is a fact of life (most days anyways), but it seems like every PF blog presents it as something horrible to be avoided at all costs – succumbing to lifestyle inflation is just consumer-driven weakness. Hyperbole for effect, but you get my point
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JD, Please, don’t let me stop you from writing what you think is valuable. I just thought I’d point out that more and more of your posts (guest posts included) seem to be about how to get out of debt and eek out a simple existence with a frugal lifestyle.
Of course having money for money’s sake is nearly pointless, but having money for what it represents (value, effort, innovation, hard work, success) and for what it provides (freedom, time, safety, opportunity — essentially life!) is the noblest of goals.
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Also for the record, we do hope to be a three-person family in about two years. Do we have to be even more cramped in our tiny condo before a move isn’t considered ‘lifestyle inflation’?
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ha JD your house is way too big for me. We have 1200 sqft and I would go smaller if hubby wasn’t such a pack rat. Also I would much prefer to never move again, and multiple storeys makes aging in place difficult (not that we have to worry about that for a while). And I have family in the area with bigger homes, so my lack of a dining room does not get in the way of large family dinners.
We also have a large yard which I coveted for so long. However it turned out to be waaaay more work than I had bargained for. We have been so busy lately our grass is nearly a yard high, and weeds have taken over the front. Sometimes I look outside and just feel exhausted. Sometimes I look at listings for condos and rowhouses with tiny postage-stamp yards and feel envious. But instead of dwelling on that I have started working on making my yard into something we can manage, slowly one space at a time. I’ve also been planting trees which I love and could never leave – also making me appreciate that we did invest in this big yard, so I can plant trees for years before I run out of space. Our home is perfect, but it’s true that does not stop one from dreaming. We simply take our dreams and figure out how to have them where we are now.
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Wow, you need to come to the UK – your house would be upwards from £500k…I’m grateful just to find a rental with a garden that has a patch of grass for my little dogs to roll on and a landlord that won’t decide to sell the place before we’ve even been there for 6 months. :-p
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@ObjectiveGeek (#104)
Ah. Well, the trend in frugality topics certainly isn’t intentional. It’s just part of the natural ebb and flow of the blog. For a long time, there wasn’t anything about frugality around here, and now there’s a lot. Maybe next month the unintentional theme will be banking. Or comic books.
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JD – beautiful home…really nice. I wonder if you envisioned this home before you bought it? Now, your dream home is a reality for you.
I believe if it’s something that you can dream up and desire, there’s a way to get it – house, car, relationship, etc. Now, I can’t say it’ll make you happy. That’s an inside job.
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@Courtney (#105)
Some amount of lifestyle inflation is natural. Good, even. It’s good to want things, to want to improve your situation. The danger comes when you aren’t making conscious choices, when your lifestyle is increasing simply out of habit, or out of an unconscious desire to keep up with those around you. If you have a big family in a small house, moving someplace bigger isn’t lifestyle inflation — it’s a mental-health move!
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Here in NJ, we live in an area that is known to be somewhat affluent and wherever I go (outside my neighborhood), I see huge mansions and luxury vehicles. Whenever I’m tempted to lust over what I can’t have, I remember that there are people who would kill to live in my two bedroom townhouse 1/2 mile from the beach! As others have said, it’s all a matter of perspective.
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Given my dreams include early retirement and don’t include dusting…your beautiful home is definitely more of the dream one to me…
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I agree with @objectiveGeek (#24). The tone of this blog is becoming one of self-denial and apology. Whatever anyone wants or buys is considered wrong, excessive, etc. So, please, JD, write more about my financial goals so I can afford to be the consumer I want to be.
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WOW! Beautiful Home! It’s a keeper!
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I’ll get through this very thoughtful discussion later, after a nap. (note: avoid newark airport if you possibly can)
But I wanted to add… we have a 3000 sq ft house. It is beautiful but too big. We haven’t finished furnishing it. It’s a pain to dust/vacuum cat hair. There’s a lot of space we just don’t use. Knowing what we know now, I think we would have gotten a smaller place. We do love the screened patio though.
Far better to enjoy the positive externalities of other peoples’ beautiful houses– you don’t have to take care of their upkeep.
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I’ve always wanted a cute cottage or bungalow. They have so much character. Every time I look at those big houses I wonder about the maintenance costs, property taxes, time it takes to clean the whole house, all the Stuff to fill it up. Ugh.
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considering you said yourself that the house is a bit big for just you and kris i definitely think you dont need to be upgrading to a mansion. And like others mentioned, its not just the initial purchase price you have to think about. What about insurance, taxes, higher utility bills, higher maintanence costs. etc etc. all these things add up so its good to know that some people realize that keeping up with the joneses is a very easy way to become broke!
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@ Tyler
Fair enough. I just take a different perspective of it. I think people have an emotional need to work. I don’t mean necessarily have a job, but to dedicate hours to something they find worthwhile. I totally agree with your point that that can be a hobby or volunteer opportunity if you earn enough money. But money is the simplest ‘proof’ that you did something of value because someone else appreciated it enough to pay you for it. And if we are in fact materialistic at heart, then there is never *enough* money. I think it takes a conscious thought to turn to nonprofit work and simpler lifestyle. We are like magpies, collecting things simply because they are shiny. We have to think to overcome this instinct.
I think we’re in agreement about consuming for its own sake is sad and that people can spend their resources as they see fit. I just think as much as people complain about having to work, they really get something from it.
Though technology has made life easier in many ways we feel the need to complicate it. It’s a phenomena that no matter how easy or hard your life is you will often experience the same levels of highs and lows. I think it’s programmed into us. If your life is hard a candy bar can totally make your day. If your life is easy a broken nail can ruin it.
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My girlfriend & I just visited Portland from NYC last week and–in a way–it inspired feelings in us that were kind of like the ones you had as you walked by those bigger houses.
As we rode our borrowed bikes through town, whether it was big houses or small houses, we were regularly enthralled by all those things that feel like luxuries to New Yorkers like us. Things like, well… houses. With lawns. And probably more than 2 rooms inside them. Maybe even 2 bathrooms. It’s crazy how people live!
Anyhow, it definitely got our minds racing with all sorts of ideas about how we should move asap so we could live the ‘good life’.
Now that we’ve gotten back to NYC though–our hot, humid, but wonderful city–we had a similar realization to yours…that our funky little apartment is our dream ‘house’. For now.
Anyhow, great post. I really enjoyed it (and, on a side note, am kind of wondering what comic books you’re reading… right now, I’m reading Hellboy)
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Great post J.D. I think it becomes very easy to look at what others have and began to dream. But as you stated, that dreaming can easily lead to coveting and cause us to be discontent with what we have.
Thank you for this reminder!
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Where I’m sitting, your house looks like a dream house. Mansions are nice, but not being able to afford them does just make you miserable (if you covet them). I am glad you can appreciate what you’ve got – it looks good to me.
Just a side note… it alarmed me a bit that you practically announced your home address. If someone was determined, they could find you. Can’t trust everyone on the internet…
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Love how practical you are with everything and seeing your thought process. So helpful.
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Just actually read one of your 36 “new” posts I’ve seen staring at me from inside my RSS reader since subscribing. I thought this feed and posts would be all about finance. Thanks for an enlightening read.
Richness certainly isn’t (only) materialistic for sure. But it sure is a lot easier to purchase a new 1080i LCD TV then work on my character defects or try and change my perspective.
It takes getting past that inner critique who responds to “money can’t buy happiness” with something about only rich people saying such things. But then experience is constantly reminding me different-then I start to truly believe it. Like at the age of 39 and getting a Happy Fathers day Grandpa card from my stepson’s 1.5 year old daughter. It’s amazing to think just a few years ago I was convinced I’d never have children in my life…
Ah, sitting on a park bench writing while children are playing all around you. I agree, sounds like you’re pretty rich to me.
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J.D.–
Thank you so much for this post. Your “Rosing Parks” reference over the years has always cracked me up. And now, it’s so nice to see the actual house and property. Gorgeous and reminds me very much of my favorite old house on a hill that my aunt owned years ago (3 attics–1 hidden!–awesome for a kid).
I have always dreamed of owning my own home (and still do), but life’s choices have determined that for now, I rent. Luckily, I have a nice place– but even it sometimes requires my handywoman help.
Oh, and I’ve forgotten who posted this– but “house charming” is dead on clever (and fitting). Even newer McMansions have their issues too. Not all construction is equal.
Finally, I am quite positive the bowling ball of your dreams will again come to you– just in a different way.
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Just to say, the McMansiony “dream house” you linked to looks really generic and ugly to me, and your “drafty old barn” looks gorgeous (even if I imagine it non-spiffed up
. I personally don’t understand wanting to live in one of those “HGTV-approved” houses, they don’t have a drop of character or charm, and like everyone’s said, they’re way too big to maintain. I’ll take a small vintage kitchen and a converted attic bedroom any day over a mass-produced 3000+ sqft monster.
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Keeping up with the Joneses and house envy indeed. I envy your white house, Mr. Jones. Something like yours 3 miles outside downtown Denver where we are would fetch $800,000 or so. Price aside, it’s beautiful and “dreamy”. Enjoy.
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I’ll add a bit of a cautionary tale . . .
In what seemed an obvious move, we upgraded to a significantly larger house with good schools in Wisconsin when we moved back from California with our two kids. (Could have gone nuts and bought a McMansion on a lake, but didn’t, thank goodness!)
After a few years of Wisconsin heating, cooling, and property tax bills, we noticed that a lot of the rooms were seldom used or becoming closets for extra stuff; the kids even preferred sharing a bed. Naturally, the house was largely empty during our waking hours. So, we decided to buy and live in half of a duplex in the same neighborhood, and rent out the house. Honestly, the duplex flat is the same square footage we had in California, and it only feels “too small” when we have too much disorganized stuff!
I’m not sure we would have the opportunities we have now if we hadn’t dialed back our lifestyle to what we needed instead of what we and everyone else expected us to do. I was laid off in February, and we’re considering buying a business that DH would manage, while I go to grad school and freelance.
As the kids get older, we’ll want a bigger house, but because we’ll be buying “just in time”, we’ll have a better idea of how much more house we need, and what opportunities we’ll be trading for it.
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A profound topic – thanks J.D.
Also timely on a personal note. We are considering moving from our 1400 sq. ft. paid for older home in a college town within walking distance to campus/work. Undoubtedly we will get a bigger place that is further out.
Now I’m thinking about the increase in maintenance costs and the, probably inevitable, mortgage payment. We have been debt-free for 15 years.
I don’t want to regret this decision. But the newer home with the dream kitchen calls.
Anyway, thanks for sharing – this is precisely why I come here everyday.
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Oh my goodness, is that really your house? It’s to DIE for! You don’t have anything to envy those McMansion owners for, unless you really covet massive amounts of extra housework, yard work, repairs, insurance, and taxes.
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See, I see those homes and wonder 1-who’s going to clean it, 2- who’s going to take care of that lawn, 3- if it is right on the river, the insurance is probably astronomical. Maybe I’m too sensible to live in a fancy neighborhood.
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Who is going to clean a bigger house?
Are you willing to spend extra cleaning time for a bigger house? That’s the question that i ask myself
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oh your house is so pretty. I’d far rather have that the the other big one you posted. I often feel kinda “nose pressed against the shop window” though, because I don’t own and don’t see doing so in the foreseeable (or distant!) future. So please please please keep posting about sewers and yardwork
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I agree with all the people–your house is lovely!
When I was looking at houses, I liked the smaller ones. As a friend pointed out to me, if I got a bigger house, I’d just get more stuff to fill it (we both deal with clutter issues). I looked on the fact that the bigger the house, the more I’d pay to heat and cool it. My house isn’t that big, but it’s about perfect for me (the only reason I want more room is because I have more than I should).
I see the pretty houses on HGTV, and I realize I’d never actually appreciate/use them enough to make them worth it. My house is just fine for me. (Yeah, I’d like a bigger kitchen; there are RVs with bigger kitchens than mine. But I’ll deal with it.)
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well it seems you live in a mansion already-lol
I have a complaint: I made a post on the forums and some of the people there were just rude, I asked the mods to delete my posts, but its like I didn’t expect the amount of rudeness that I got.
All I asked was “how did you figure out how much was enough for you” and I don’t expect people to be monks, but I did expect them to be civil.
Anyway am disappointed with the people on the forum :-/
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anyway I just asked that question because I was interested on how others came to realize how much was enough for them, what processes they went through, anyway, its nothing against you but I wish people on the GRS forums would be much more nicer and civil.
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I love your pretty and charming house. When I scrolled to it, I thought it was another one of the rich houses you were envious about! So you’ve already won.
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I think many people feel guilty about the things they possess when they should be content. If you’ve worked hard on something and have earned it then what you show to your friends or community is a display of the pride in your work ethic.
In the past I helped my brother’s friend work on houses. I always liked the “smaller” homes more than the mansions. The people who lived in the smaller homes had an easier time showing off the beneficial characteristics of their homes.
The people who owned mansions, while they were beautiful, had a much harder time showing off the smaller characteristics. They were too worried about the large home as a whole.
I fault neither simply because it’s their choice to use the money they earned how they see fit.
I would personally prefer a smaller home with a lot of land. My uncle owns a small cabin with a lot of land in northern Maine. While the cabin was small any path you chose to walk took you to a whole different destination and adventure.
Others may hate the idea of living around nature but love how much space their actual home has to add furniture or decoration.
To each their own.
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@nymoxie
Can you point me to the forum thread? I don’t hang out in the forums much, so I’m not familiar with the culture there. My brother moderates them, as does JerichoHill (who also reads the blog), but Jericho is on vacation right now.
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I guess I’m amazed that your house is a real HOUSE – multiple rooms per person, yard, storage space, etc. – versus the condo I call a “house” (because I’m from the Midwest). But by my calculations you paid half of what we paid. There’s a good financial lesson there somewhere…
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p.s. A bigger house would be nice if we had a full live-in staff to take care of it… but then we’d have to live with other people, which would take some getting used to. The 2200 sq foot we’re renting is great for the 3 of us and the occasional guest.
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JD, I hope you & Kris enjoy life at Rosings more than Lady deBurgh!
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Your garden is beautiful!
But to be honest…your house looks Victorian era and thus is probably a nightmare to maintain (sorry, I have encountered too many house maintenance issues myself lately!)
Although many things appear relative, there seems to be true bedrock value in owning a home for many people. For me, it’s all about having a bit of space between me & my neighbors—that was the worst thing of living in apartments for so many years, living on top of everyone else and having to listen to them coughing on the other side of the wall etc. The second best? I enjoy working in my garden so, so much! Not something you can do in a tiny apartment in the city. Not at all.
I also wonder what in the world my kids and I would do all winter if we just had a small apartment. The midwest winter practically demands a larger indoor space if you are going to survive it, especially with a couple kids around…
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JD: I emailed the mods about the problem, and they removed it because I asked them to. I did read the other threads and for the most part people seem to help each other, so maybe it was just one time?
oh I made a request to delete my username on the forums, but I take back that request, I refuse to be run out of town just because two people didn’t like my post. I’d like to keep my username. I’m not going to be pushed out like they want me to. Sorry if I’m a little emotional about it, but it seemed like it was personal. :-/
As I read through the other threads on the forums, it seems like for the most part most people are willing to help each other out so I like that. Anyway, sorry to get offtrack on the comment section.
I think your house is beautiful, it looks like a gigantic mansion to me, even if you don’t think it is. It seems part of human nature to always want more, lol. I wonder if people who live in those huge mansions want to live in a palace or castle? Probably. lol.
But if you think about it, throughout history kings, queens, and other royalty have had problems like everyone else and they lived in gorgeous castles and had the finest of everything. I’m not saying that all wealthy people are miserable because there are happy wealthy people who are nice people in the world.
Anyway, you have a lovely home, your home looks very serene.
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I think that the concept of appreciating what you already have is the same as “living within your means”.
The more you upgrade your “stuff” in life, the more it seems that you need.
I am usually fine right where I am at in the “stuff” category.
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@92 Shara… actually your history facts aren’t quite right. Even poor households hired laundry women, precisely because it was so time-intensive. The one-person income is really an upper middle-class victorian ideal. Prior to that many women did work with the husband or even outside the home, depending on class, circumstances and society. My favorite is the division of labor among men and (married) women in the Dutch wool trade, which predates the first industrial revolution. Jan DeVries has an excellent book about it. Married women also drove the first industrial revolution in England– they did something called “putting out” work at home, which was how manufacturing worked before the assembly line (and, interestingly, is how some manufacturing works in China in modern day).
The rise of the 2 income couple is exaggerated. Women as housewives without non-household production is a modern phenomenon, only the last 200 years and only in certain classes in certain countries.
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If I had to choose, I would choose your house. Give me a smaller house with character instead of a big formal mansion any day. Your house is pretty.
As I get older I am becoming more and more aware of lifestyle inflation and while I don’t think it’s always a bad thing, I think simply being aware of it can have a very positive impact on your finances.
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“Rosings Park”…, I love that. Does your wife call you Mr. Collins?
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Personally I like my simple life. I believe people automatically live at a lifestyle level where they are most comfortable. Some people work hard or get lucky, and can afford a mansion (or give that appearance at least), but I don’t envy them. By all means appreciate the beautiful homes and gardens but that doesn’t mean you have to own one. There’s so much social pressure to keep up with the Jones and I really respect people who can resist that pressure. I agree with JD’s message. It’s best to just make your own affordable home (however humble) comfortable and beautiful for you to live in, and just visit the posh neighbourhoods from time to time. That what I do
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Trying to talk my husband out of the 3000 sq ft “dream house” he loves into a tiny house.What a pain to keep up! I would like to sell the big house and half the land (9acres) and keep the other seven with the barn. Then a tiny house for actual living. I would be in heaven- even during tornado season Toto!
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Add me to the chorus of voices who think your house is lovely!
Personally, I would love to own *any* house of my own, but poor financial decisions in my 20′s have hindered that so far. I will get there someday, but it feels very far away right now! And I live in a place where housing is not affordable (North Vancouver–the tiny, 60 year old house down the street sold for $750,000 last year…). However, the cost of living here is offset by the location; it is paradise, and I am happy even if I do live in a one-bedroom basement suite.
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