This guest post from Anna is part of the “reader stories” feature here at Get Rich Slowly. Some stories contain general “how I did X” advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all levels of financial maturity and with all sorts of incomes.
My experience with money is probably the opposite of many readers here. I’ve always had money. I got a generous allowance starting at age 5, and was encouraged to save it. What I’m not sure about is how to spend it. And I definitely don’t want anyone else knowing I have it (which is why I’m posting anonymously).
I don’t come from a long line of family wealth — just one generation of two thrifty people (my parents) who worked steady jobs with benefits starting in their twenties, and kept those jobs for their entire lives. Growing up, my dad told me that our family had more money than others in our relatively poor, rural area. And it was a secret. I shouldn’t tell my friends about my allowance. There weren’t a lot of outside signs of our money — we rarely ate out, we shopped at the Salvation Army and JC Penney, and we got our hair cut (badly) in some lady’s kitchen for five bucks.
We have that at home
Two irritating practices of my father’s brainwashed me into the idea that money was only for saving, not for spending.
The first was the dreaded “we have that at home.” If we wanted a 50-cent soda out of the vending machine, my dad would say, “We can get a 12-pack of soda at the supermarket for $2.50, so each can would only be 21 cents. I’m not paying 50 cents for a soda.” And we would never get that soda.
Same with ice cream: “For the price of that cone, you can get a whole gallon of ice cream at the supermarket.” This was infuriating. If you have kids and don’t particularly care about them liking you but want to save money, “we have that at home” is definitely the way to go.
If we protested with, “But you have so much money!”, the stock reply was “I wouldn’t have so much money if I wasted 50 cents on a soda all the time.” True for many, but considering that my dad managed to save a few million dollars, I’m pretty sure he would have had room for a whole bunch of sodas in the budget.
Spending money like it grows on trees
As we got older, my family started to take summer road trips. We’d bring a cooler, stay in cheap motels, and generally have a great time. Better yet, on vacation, my dad would inexplicably buy us treats like ice cream cones. We loved it, until one day when we were sitting on a bench eating our forbidden ice cream cones and my dad sighed and said, “We’re spending money on this vacation like it grows on trees.” I wanted to throw my ice cream cone in his face.
With that one sentence, my dad made me feel guilty for the entire vacation, even though I had had no part in planning it and he was in charge of all the cash. Later, when I traveled by myself, I did everything I could to save money — to the point of hitchhiking and other things most people would consider unsafe — just to avoid that same feeling of spending too much on a vacation.
Was it worth it?
If you, dear readers, knew the kind of money my dad has given me over the years, you might (and probably will) call me an ungrateful brat. The truth is that I am grateful. I’m grateful to both of my parents for teaching me financial responsibility, how to be thrifty, and how to live beneath my means. And, of course, I’m grateful for the money they’ve given me — or at least, I will be one day when I finally give myself permission to spend any of it.
I never need to worry about whether I have enough to pay a bill, or whether my decision to return to grad school was financially smart. (Don’t worry: I pay for it by working assistantships, not with dad’s money.) But I do have to obsess about whether I’m getting the lowest price for everything.
It took me two years of grad school to come to terms with occasionally buying coffee and studying in a coffee shop, instead of staying at home where I could drink cheaper coffee I made myself! I put myself through bus hassles because I refuse to pay for on-campus parking, live in cheap apartments that always seem to have more annoyances, and only apply to nearby conferences because I just can’t see spending hundreds of my own dollars on academic travel.
My personal savings (which just topped $100,000) have no impact on my spending decisions. I have no level that I would consider “enough” to spend more freely.
Not my choice
While it’s great to have my own earnings and the money from my dad sitting around earning interest, I didn’t choose it. I’m ashamed of having money, and constantly irritated with myself for my cheapskate tendencies. If I could go back, I would have bought my childhood self more sodas and more ice cream cones (in addition to teaching frugality in general), even if it meant having less in the bank.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, or love. The way I came about it, it buys security at the expense of enjoyment. I’m trying to tell myself to lighten up a little — to go out to dinner with friends without worrying about the bill, or buy a shirt I really like even if it’s full price. I’ve become a little more reasonable over time, but I still have a long way to go before I can spend money like a normal person.
Reminder: This is a story from one of your fellow readers. Please be nice. After nearly a decade of blogging, I have a thick skin, but it can be scary to put your story out in public for the first time. Remember that this guest author isn’t a professional writer, and is just learning about money like you are. Photo by Eden Pictures.
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Were the olds really that bad? I wonder if the passage of time has allowed you to be more selective in your memories, inadvertantly leaving out the splurges. At the very least, you should have played one parent off against the other. Even a united front struggles to withstand an assault from an appropriately manipulative kid.
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Unlike a few of you, I didn’t see this as bragging at all. I saw it as a very open and honest discussion of what it can be like to come to terms with an ineffective money blueprint passed on from our parents.
My parents, too, passed on poor money skills, though in the opposite way that Anna’s did. (My parents were spendthrifts.) The financial skills I learned made me unhappy. It’s taken me a long time to fix things, but now I seem to have found a good balance.
I’m grateful to Anna for having shared this reader story. It’s one of my favorites since the series began.
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Hmm, something funny happened with the comments and all the numbers I referred to changed- oops!
Fantasma asked what my parents did to get all that money. I think the key thing is stability- as I said, both of them had their adult jobs by about age 25 and stayed in the same jobs (and house) their entire lives, so no money was ever wasted on unemployment, moving, or education that wouldn’t get them a job. They also had a roommate to share in expenses until they had kids. My dad is a professor and my mom is an elementary school teacher. My dad did invest money in the stock market regularly, and he’s mostly a buy-and-hold kind of guy.
I’m not really sure that that kind of job stability is realistic as a life plan anymore, but it can probably be done if you choose very wisely in your 20s and are lucky enough to never be laid off.
And Early Retirement Extreme, I think you might be my dad!
“Your dad is what most people would call miserly (and so am I) and what we prefer to call frugal or “highly efficient with money”. We live this way because “efficiency” is of high value to us. Much higher than a spontaneous purchase of a can of coke. To me (us?) paying 50c for that is a failure to prepare (also a high value, independence) and food may be of low value (it’s just fuel). This is also how we end up with a lot of money.”
I totally laughed at the “failure of planning” because that is exactly how my dad would see “having” to buy an overpriced soda- you failed to plan for your hydration needs. Of course, the other way to plan is to budget 20 impromptu sodas per year into your budget, realize that it will only cost you $10, and go for it.
One thing that has really been helping me “recover” from my stingy background is that I never say no to a social event because of cost. When I went to a $25 brunch with my significantly-more-indulgent friend, sure, the brunch was amazing, but more importantly I saw 10 people enjoying the brunch and not fretting about the cost, and that added to my stock of normal money role models. J.D. is also a great role model for me, not because of his newfound frugality, but because he really relishes his spending- I loved the Rewards of Frugality post!
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I’ve felt the same. And what I have to say helped a bit was asking myself what I want all of this money for. For now, I watch it grow, but money is meant to be spent. In all honesty I love material things. I want a yacht, a mansion with gardens, several luxury cars, h*ll I want a jet. And it doesn’t make sense to me to buy it once piece at a time, because if I bought a BMW now, by the time I could afford my “next on the list” luxury item it’d be rusted out and I’d just have to spend my savings buying a new one. So to me it makes sense having it be a package deal. But life could be over tomorrow, so there has to be purpose and enjoyment now. So I tried to find some ways to bring my dreams to the now is a “slightly” scaled down version. So my “mansion” is my clean apartment with items that make me comfortable and my life enjoyable and CONVENIENT. My luxury auto is an old Toyota Corolla (it’s reliable and spotless), my yacht is going to be a kayak I think which is within my current budget. My gardens are the state parks and lakeshore I run along. Haven’t figured out the jet yet though… but I’m working on it.
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@Anna (#53)
The comment numbers changed because I approved all of the comments that were in moderation or had been routed to spam. (Well, I accidentally deleted two of them — oops! — but you know what I mean.)
Until I figure out how to fix the broken spam filter, this sort of thing will happen.
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Great post. I often read personal finance blogs and feel like they don’t apply because I don’t have any debt and had a frugal but comfortable financial family situation growing up. My “family financial blueprint” is similar to yours but with a little more freedom for spending.
I’ve had to learn to enjoy spending but also direct it well. I end up being free-spending on meals out but cheap about clothes for work. Finding that middle way is important; I hope it goes well for you!
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Messages about how one spends money, whether they come from today’s marketers or your parents can really be destructive when they measure ALL experience through the prism of money. Sometimes a designer bag isn’t about quality just like a banana split bought for a kid on vacation isn’t about ice cream OR money.
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I think I understand this from watching my in laws. I guess they were afraid they would never have enough. Now at the end still don’t want to spend anything. Watching my father in law worry if his wife came off Hospice he would have to pay the $40 monthly hospital bed rental when he has saved a lot of money sort of sickens me. I keep thinking there is nothing more she will need really? It is hard to watch. Gees its nice to be kind of balanced.
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while i’m actually pretty smart about money, I envy you for your stinginess and frugality. I have a friend like this, too… I wish I could skip some “ice cream scones” but I seem to think too often that “I deserve this!”..
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While I don’t think that you’re bragging, I do agree that therapy would help. A good therapist (you might need to shop around — if you’re in Phoenix, I can give you some recommendations) can help you tease that stuff out and get rid of the guilt. Or at least most of it. It’s worked well for me (not on money-related issues as much), and I highly recommend the process. It’s difficult and not immediately gratifying but very much worth it.
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Wow, reading through these comments it seems like a parent just can’t win. If you give hand-me-downs you value the older kid more (my poor sister!), but if you don’t you’re teaching consumerism. If your saving is for the kid’s college then not spending is the kid’s fault (though I thought it was in line with the family values), but if you don’t you’re not teaching delayed gratification or putting importance on education. If you point out that something is more expensive in one context than another, you’re teaching stinginess but if you don’t you’re not teaching money skills. I can’t tell if families with problems talk about money too much or too little (and is there an optimum amount?).
I have to think that it’s not just the money messages but the environment around the money messages that’s important. The same message is perceived differently based in context and preconceptions. Very few families are perfect and kids are going to be messed up no matter what their parents are doing. If it isn’t money it’ll be something else… obesity, entitlement, ambition… there’s always something.
I think I’m going to stick with doing the best I can and hoping that my kid will turn out ok anyway in spite of us.
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This story brings up a point that has finally sunk in for me (at the age of 34): there is a difference between being frugal and being cheap/a miser. If you look at money as a tool for achieving your priorities – whether your priority is collecting stuff or funding experiences – and that money is a tool for obtaining value of some kind in your life, then it may not be so hard to spend.
For example, I read somewhere that the quality of ice cream rapidly deteriorates just after it’s made. That means that the $2.50 ice cream cone that you purchase at a mom and pop ice cream store is likely to be of higher quality than the $5 gallon of ice cream that has been sitting at home in your freezer for weeks. If you perceive value in terms of quality, then the cone is for you – and of course you just can’t indulge as often. If you perceive value in terms of quantity, then opt for the ice cream in the fridge.
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Wow, thank you so much for sharing. You’re story is so important to all of us that did not have money growing up, because we never hear things like this from our friends. I can feel alot of pain in your words, and I can relate. I have a problem soliciting myself (aka my friendship) and my services to people. Its because I feel like I am not worth their time, even though deep down inside I KNOW I am. So me and you and everyone else can improve ourselves together, and become the people we know we can be.
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Wow, your story broke my heart a little bit. I can picture how much it hurt as a little girl when you just wanted to enjoy an ice cream cone with your dad. Unfortunately, you had subtly ingrained in you that occasional pleasant moments with your family may not be worth even a couple dollars (although I’m sure that was never your dad’s intent). It’s going to take a lot of time to find balance. I don’t think saving for money’s sake works for me, but it’s not a bad thing unless it interferes with your day to day life and/or opinion of yourself (which it seems it is).
You don’t need to give yourself “permission to spend,” but you should find something in your life to spend money on that is worth more to you than saving the money would be. For example, I have a dog, and while it would be smarter to save money instead of paying for his care and upkeep, the joy I get from having a pup far outweighs the money I spend on him.
Even though your father didn’t communicate it very well, he probably meant “I’d rather have a secure future and time with my family than spend an extra 29 cents on soda.” A long stint of self-examination regarding your personal priorities and what makes you who you are will reveal items or services you can be comfortable spending money on that you don’t need to give yourself “permission” for. They will be as ingrained in you as not spending is. You may start a scholarship for personal finance studies at a local school. Who knows? But I wish you a life of happiness and balance.
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Why has it become so popular to blame others for one’s own mistakes? Honestly, get over your parents. We all had our childhood problems but, unless they included serious (violent or sexual) abuse, any adult should take responsibility for their own life.
You know what your problems are so just do something about it! I certainly had my problems but I don’t waste my life crying over the past. Rather use it as a lesson in what not to do.
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Holly I loved your comment. Haha, you had to add the “splurging” part at the end. That made me laugh (just the way you said it) but is so very true. What’s the point of a million dollars if you never enjoyed a little bit of it? I think people need to find a medium between saving and spending. I work at a bank, and trust me people have a bigger problem saving (obviously) haha, but there is a medium somewhere and I hope we all find it and live rich and happy lives.
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I think your parents were income status breakers. They rose from lower poor econonic status by being extremely frugal, and believe they were doing the right thing by teaching your their techniques.
You mention your Dad saying how much the vacations was costing him. But you misunderstood his message. It wasn’t directed at you, it was him thinking out loud. You see he was/is extermely frugal and was having a hard time breaking free from the “I’m still poor” mentatity.
Many of the new rich have the same problems. Many still cut coupons and don’t buy that $1.00 pop out of vending machines! And that’s okay, that is what they are used to.
I don’t believe spending wealth is the key to happiness. Spending money is only a short term fix. After spending a little money, the thrill is gone, then you have to buy bigger and better things to find the same enjoyment. Soon, after following this path, you will be poor again.
It’s all about balance, but you need to have the balance set so that each year you continue to save more than you spend…
Good luck determining the correct balance. It’s not hard to do! Personally, I’m fighting Lifestyle Inflation, trying to determine my balance.
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I’m sorry, but as someone who was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by a mentally-ill mother, I just can’t relate to this.
My mother also rarely bought me anything out of a vending machine, and if we went out to eat, we were expected to order water to drink. That doesn’t even register with me as something that she did that was “bad”…all it did was instill in me a love of water. Now when I go out to eat, I order water because that’s what I like to drink.
I agree with those who are saying that as adults, we have to make our own choices and take responsibility for them.
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I’m in my early 20s so I still easily remember hearing similar comments from my parents. They always had a price value on something we bought even though it might be useless currently.
Even if it didn’t work at all, a $60 lamp was still $60 and couldn’t be thrown out. The ironic part was that they would buy a new lamp to replace the old one but couldn’t come to terms on actually getting rid of the older one.
I personally find it pretty brave to post an article like this since knowing that the dollar amount you put out would draw some heat. One trick, while counseling is a great suggestion, is to weed out the good lessons you learned from the bad. Nobody is perfect.
From what I’ve read you’ve accomplished quite a bit just in the article you wrote. I wish you good luck in finding the balance that many people already made in the positive comments.
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I can’t really relate to this article at all, because while my parents have always had horrifying money management, I grew up and did things differently. I blame my parents for giving me a financially insecure childhood, but the day I got my own job I knew I finally had the power to take care of myself.
OP Anna, trust me, if you had parents who pissed their money away on crap they didn’t need, and there really wasn’t anything at home for you to have, you wouldn’t think “We have it at home” was the worst think a parent could do to their child.
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What a great story–certainly a point of view from the other side.
You have to be able to enjoy the money you save, otherwise, what’s the point of saving?
And I enjoy spending money on my son.
I don’t care if its wasteful, sometimes, its OK to be wasteful if its fun.
How much more fun does a kid have gettting a soda out of a machine and drinking it rather than filling up a cup at home?
We need to save, but we need to keep perspective as well.
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I enjoyed reading this story, although I had a different upbringing to the storyteller. I wish my parents had drilled into me the frugal habits. Although there seems to be a fine line as it can be damaging.
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It might help to consider that your behaviour/mindset could be inherited: not in the figurative sense of picking up patterns, but in the deepest, genetic sense.
I have four kids, all adopted, and not one of them has picked up responsible attitudes towards money, despite a lot of effort on my part (allowances, openly discussing family finances, letting them help pay bills, much discussion about saving, retirement, stock market, etc.) In other words, it would probably be difficult for a parent to “make” a mindset like yours, even very intentionally.
I’d guess that your father suffered in very much the same way you’re suffering now. Yes, I believe you’re suffering – it comes through in your well-written account. Perhaps if you saw this as a common inherited trait (reinforced by childhood upbringing) you could have more compassion for your father, which might allow you to have more compassion for yourself. Then perhaps you can find help, either through forums like this, or more likely through the help of a counselor, or ??
Best wishes as you work through all this; I’m sure you can use this as material to come out as a stronger, kinder person.
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Thank you for sharing, Anna. I don’t think you were bragging, and it irritates me that anyone would think that. Everyone has a different life story, and they should be free to express it. Broke people don’t have a lock on expressing their money issues, and shame on them for not having empathy for anyone who has more money than they do.
My family was comfortably middle class, and we kids got everything we needed, and a few things we wanted, but not everything we wanted. We took nice family vacations, and did some things that we normally wouldn’t spend money on at home. I don’t recall asking for a lot of unnecessary “stuff” growing up. My parents didn’t try to keep up with the Joneses, so I grew to see material things as mostly unimportant. I learned to save, but I also learned to spend on things that were important to me. Material things like clothing, cars, jewelry, and high-tech gadgets aren’t important to me, but travel, dining out, cultural events, etc. are where I spend. I am frugal in my daily life, but I never have to say no to any outing that sounds interesting to me. I also give to charity, because I’m too blessed to keep it all to myself.
I sometimes have a tendency to be too frugal, and then I give myself permission to spend, and then I feel I’m spending too much and have to rein myself in again. It’s all about balance.
On my wedding day, as I was leaving for my honeymoon, my dad whispered something to me that has become my mantra for vacations: “Spend a lot of money, have a lot of fun.” Now, for some people, that might get ridiculous. But my dad knew his frugal daughter, and that I wouldn’t get outrageous with spending. I’m still frugal on vacations, but if there’s something I really want to do, like dogsledding in Alaska, and it won’t break the bank, I’ll give myself permission to do it.
Anna, you have the money. You’re an adult now, so you can stop looking back and cursing your upbringing. Now you have to find the balance that works for your life. I personally have never set up a budget, but maybe doing that would help you see that you can spend in some areas that have meaning for you, and not go broke. I think therapy would help, too, particularly with the familial issues. Good luck.
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Anna,
Are your parents still alive to talk with you about this?
My parents are aggressive savers, but I know where they are coming from. My dad grew up poor in the rural South, and my mother immigrated to America, spending years after arriving hovering around the poverty line before she and her family were able to become financially stable.
Based on their experiences, my parents emphasized to me and my siblings that we should always save our money, but anything extra were ours to play with.
I think if you talk to your parents, and find out how they arrived at their financial philosophy, you might be able to finally feel comfortable with the fact that you have money. Were they Depression babies? Did they grow up without money?
You also mentioned that you feel guilty about having money. Based on my limited life experience (I’m only 23, so you can totally ignore me), you should only feel guilty about money if it starts consuming your life. Don’t let your earned prosperity turn into an anchor of guilt.
Good luck to you!
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All you parents out there teaching your children to save, don’t fret. They won’t all turn out like Anna.
My parents were extremely frugal. I wore hand-me-downs, almost never ate out, and there was no occasional ice cream cone or soda at the fair. (In fact, I only remember attending one fair with my parents.) Our vacations consisted of long road trips, eating sandwiches my mom made from the food packed in the cooler, and sleeping in the car. And “we have that at home” is a refrain I still hear to this day–and use myself.
The results of our upbringing: I’m frugal; my two half-sisters are balanced; and my half-brother spends like there’s no tomorrow.
Anna, at some point, it’s no longer about your parents or your childhood. Sometimes, it’s just you.
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Knowing your parents were educators puts it all into a better perspective for me. They might NOT have had the money when you were young- to “throw away” on a soda or ice cream. Did they put themselves through school? Not a cheap thing to do without connections. Did they wait to have a family or live in student housing while working their way through school?
My first year teaching (1979) I made $7000. I made an above average wage in the area I worked. My tenured professor lived in a “nice house” and he made about $15,000. Clearly lower middle class.
He could now be pulling in over $100,000. as could I IF I had stayed in one area and gained tenure over 30 years. You are looking at money today not when you were growing up.
They lived the American dream- pulled up by bootstraps against their past. Take the positive things they gave you- like your desire for graduate school and a good job- and move forward.
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My heart broke for your father when he said to himself about spending money like it grows on trees. I’m sure he didn’t mean to make you feel guilty about your ice cream; that was collateral damage.
He does deserve a lot of credit for taking your family on the vacations; many people don’t break their obsessions to that degree.
I’m glad to see that you can see that your father has his own demons, and that he loves you, Anna. And I hope that you can break the negative effects of his message and continue to embrace the path to a balanced life.
My own father said to me once, looking at his “new” boat, that he had thought that the day he could afford one of these he would be happy. He said it quite sadly. My heart broke for him at that moment. I wish his generation had seen value in therapy and gotten some for a better life. He had a good life, and was mostly happy, but it could have been better with a little help. And that was the message I took away.
For those who say parents can’t win, you are right. No matter what you do and say, sometime you will send an accidental message to your child, who will take it the wrong way. We all have our lessons to learn in this life, and your task as parents is to free your child to learn the lessons they need to learn. Unless you have set out to damage your child, you also need to realize that guilt on your part is wrong, and that will only hinder your child learning his/her life lessons. A sincere apology for the damage you accidentally caused will go a long ways for healing; sackcloth and ashes will not, unless you deserve to feel guilty.
One of the tasks of the child is to eventually realize that their parents are not perfect, and that they are the “victims” (so to speak, and sometimes actually), of their own parenting. If you can look at your parents and see the small child they once were under the influence of their parents, you are on the path to healing from their mistakes. And then you can go on to cheerfully make new and original mistakes with your own children!
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Some of the commenters here are pretty harsh.
All people are different and all children are different and react differently to their parents. Two kids living in the same environment can turn out differently and have very different perspectives of what happened during their childhood, just as a matter of their dispositions and tendencies, as well as how those dispositions caused their parents to react to them.
While her father might not have blamed her for the cost of their vacation, he had blamed her many times prior for wanting things. While she sat there, enjoying something that was usually forbidden, he made a comment about how much it cost. It is not surprising that she internalized it. Kids think a lot of things are their fault, even when they’re not (most commonly: divorce).
The people who suggest that she grow up and get over it apparently are fortunate enough that the things that their upbringings ingrained into them are not causing significant distress in their daily lives. To say, “Just spend it” to someone with a spending phobia (not entirely accurate language, but close enough) is like asking someone with a fear of dogs to just pet one, or someone with a fear of water to just jump in and swim. Most of the time, it doesn’t work like that.
Why blame it on parents? Because they have a huge influence over who you become. As an adult, of course you can make your own choices, but you’re either going to make them in line with what is familiar or you’re going to need to work like hell to steer your life otherwise. It’s not so simple as just deciding or flipping a switch.
Are there worse infractions a parent can cause to a child than what happened to Anna? Of course. And there are worse infractions than what happened to you, too. There always are. That doesn’t minimize her pain or suffering.
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Thanks, Anna, for sharing this – it definitely got my attention, and good luck on your journey towards making peace with money and your upbringing. I think your story also is powerful because there are so many emotional topics within it beyond that of money – childhood, parenting, shame, struggle, baggage, growing up… things we can all relate to in some way.
I’m definitely the most frugal in my family, and I have found that I do need to loosen up a bit in order not to discard opportunities for joy in my life.
I have found that when I spend every now and then like a little hedonist (ie, the great expensive hair cut), I feel fantastic, almost giddy. And the feeling last for quite a while. Part of that is because I don’t do that all the time. I also love spending money/creating something for other people for their birthdays, housewarmings, visits etc – it gives me a lot of joy, however big or small the gift. So, for me, balance has been to try spend for things that really give me pleasure (within reason), and to do it periodically.
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When I was growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money. Whenever I asked my mom for even necessities I felt guilty because she made sure we knew how hard it was for her to pay for things (although I later learned that she was quite the spendthrift on herself!)It took me until I was 40 to learn how to enjoy spending a little money on myself. I am now able to buy myself a new outfit or shoes or go to lunch with friends as long as it doesn’t put me into debt. I will never be a spendthrift like my mother, but I am able to enjoy life without the guilt.
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I have a better relationship with my mom, who is also much more moderate about money. She will buy coffee out, but then always manages to produce some sort of snack out of her purse to eat with it. That way she gets what she wants without spending extra money on what doesn’t matter to her.
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@Nicole/21: I’m willing to bet that at least part of what has made that Coach purse last so long is that BECAUSE it is so expensive, your mother cares for it much better–not necessarily because the purse itself is a good investment. I’ve had a purse for which I paid $3 (at 50% off) that I have used for going on 13 years now. I clean it regularly, fix minor blemishes immediately, and while it doesn’t look brand new, it looks decent enough to wear with nice jeans and heels. I don’t take care of it because I’m afraid to spend more money on a purse (although, I am), but because it has EXACTLY the pockets and size and organization I need. Every time I try to change purses, usually because I have a repair to make and don’t feel like ding it right away, within a couple months I’m back to this one because it simply works best for me. Your mother may have simply found a purse that really WORKS for her, and doesn’t want to give that up.
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Ego – you haz it (we ALL do)
Your problem is not with money it is with attachment.
My telling you this isnt going to make it any easier for you nor do I feel that it will help much (right now) because it is something that will take you and all of us lifetimes to understand.
Do yourself a favor and take an afternoon to understand the definition of attachment, understand how attachment is the root of suffering (and the obvious root of your pain) and perhaps you can begin a journey toward a few moments, days? years? released from this attachment before your time is done here.
Try this for a jumping off point: http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html
I wish you a profound journey – we all deserve release from suffering.
PS: My dad was the same way but in our case, we did not have the fortune of millions in the end. Most of us do not. You are not the only kid who grew up with frugal parents.
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I didn’t quite have time to finish all the comments – only made it to the 40s – so sorry if this is redundant. Your story reminded me of something that I thought you’d enjoy.
I work in philanthropy, and there’s this great book called “The Soul of Money,” by Twist. The thing that has always stuck with me from it is her definition of money: a vehicle for intent.
Other people have talked about values, and how money is a conduit for perpetuating your values, etc. But I always come back to “a vehicle for intent” when I’m having deep thoughts about money.
Good luck on your journey, Anna.
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Your behavior sounds more like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder than anything else. Your obsession is saving money and you can’t just “decide” otherwise. Use your company’s healthcare insurance to see a doctor who specializes in OCD. It doesn’t get “cured”, but it gets considerably more manageable; plus, since your dad seems to be at the root, it will help that relationship as well.
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Funny my dad always said about Christmas “it isn’t much” but I remember never once being disappointed. Now as an adult I see how hard my parents worked to make it all possible.
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I haven’t read the comments, and I imagine someone else will have suggested my thoughts already, but I want to chime in:
I can’t tell if you have one particular close friend, but it might help to share at least some of this information with that person (you might leave out the dollar figures, lest your friend focus on that). Perhaps your friend could help support your decision to spend a little by committing to going out for a nice dinner once a month – or once a quarter, if monthly is too much for you just yet.
Or I suppose you could do some volunteer work at a meaningful-to-you organization like a food pantry or literacy organization, and donate some money quietly as well. You’d be in a position to see how much good a little money can do when spent thoughtfully.
Good luck dealing with this – it is a challenge, but you can do it!
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Anna,
Sharing your story means you will be bashed by all of the “Get Over It” folks. I think one reason so many people are reacting negatively is that they see themselves in your father, and they don’t want to admit that what they call “being frugal” is actually “being miserly.”
Good luck!
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My goal of saving money is to save on all the stuff I don’t care about so I can spend it on the things & people I do care about…
Otherwise, what’s the use of just having money to have money?
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This just as an observation, and I’m not sure what to think of it – but I’m sometimes surprised that of the people who tend to be the most thrifty and deny themselves and their families of even the smallest of luxuries, seem to be the most likely to give lots to charity or say they are leaving all the money they save to charity when they die.
Personally I think that giving time to a charity is a positive way to spend time – BUT I don’t understand the mentality of saving and feeling guilty, just to give the money away. I understand charity, I really do – but when does depriving yourself just to give to others kind of defeat the purpose?
Like I said – just an observation, but I always wondered where it comes from.
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Hey Anna ignore the bad comments okay? You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, no one is perfect, you learned money savvy from your dad, unfortunately the thing with frugality is that some people take it to the extreme.
No your dad should have never made you feel guilty for the ice cream, our parents have faults just like anyone else. I’m 27 and my parents were like that as well.
I got into credit card debt because I had very little growing up and I wanted to have nice things, most of my debt went into eating out. Its only been later in life that they sort of loosened up. I recently got out of debt.
Like I said I’m 27, at some point you need to forget certain things your parents told you, this is very very hard and something that I’ve struggled with a lot. When I was growing up my mom told me that I was ugly. Now I know that is not true but it was hard to shake that off.
I may not be a supermodel, but I’m far from ugly. It can take work to shake off what our parents taught us, but you can do it Anna.Things get easier in life as we practice them more.
If you go out for a coffee, go on a nice vacation, and know that you can afford it then you have nothing to feel guilty about. I suggest you go out for a coffee or for a dinner out every weekend for 30 days, or do something else that makes you happy and get used to spending money.
Eventually you’ll come to the point where you realize: Hey I can spend money and enjoy it and NOT go into debt. You see hon, this is why I’m not into frugality that much. I believe in saving, but I also believe in a healthy amount of spending as well.
You can save and have fun with money, you can have both! Its not one or the other. Many, many, many frugal people think that those who spend are idiots.
Your dad may judge you for it, all you have to say to your dad, “I can spend without feeling guilty, and I still have enough savings in the bank. I’m not the same as you dad, I have my own way of doing things.”
Your dad may not get it and its okay. He doesn’t have to get it. Its cool. We can’t care what our parents think about us, we just can’t. I quit doing that, because my own are judgmental.
You just have to say to yourself, that you’re unique, and that you aren’t anyone’s clone, you have your own way of doing things.
I really wish you the best, the more you practice something, the more you get better at it. In your case, practice means getting used to spending a healthy amount of money without feeling guilty. Hey everyone has different challenges in life.
Good luck girl.
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Hey.. my mother is 81 and i’m 55.. I still get the “i grew up in the Depression” talks!
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People who say “get over it”, or “my upbringing was much worse than yours, so stop whining” aren’t really listening to you, they’re still dealing with their own issues.
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I know a lot of people like you, Anna, and they really aren’t that unhappy. My mother-in-law has always been a little rich kid, she married well and inherited well and earned a pretty decent amount of money herself. She’s always looking at the value of a dollar though. She won’t buy things she can get at home cheaper (like ice cream). She buys new, modest cars (always less than $30k) and drives them into the ground – nothing like a millionaire driving around in a 10 year old Honda. But it doesn’t bother her at all. She spends money where it makes her happy (her home, yard, family vacations, healthy foods) and doesn’t spend it where it doesn’t.
My husband has inherited these traits. He, too, as you can probably figure out, grew up pretty well-off. But he said he didn’t really know it until he went to college. Today he’s a lot like his mom (he drove a 10 yr old Honda til someone hit it – he replaced it with a Camry – very exciting). He doesn’t spend money on very many whims – he has no hobbies other than watching sports. He splurges a little on Directv and an occasional live sports ticket, but he still usually sits in Uecker seats (cheap seats). But he couldn’t be happier. And darned if he doesn’t let me get ice cream when we are out.
I guess you have to find a happy medium, as we all do. There is no doubt your father taught you the value of a dollar. But I think he also taught you the value of living as well. I have a feeling you’ll take your child out for ice cream – maybe not too often, but every once in a while.
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Let me just first say, it takes a lot of guts to put personal information on the internet. I support you in that. However, I would love the ability to “make the choices” you describe. I don’t get to “make the choices”
When you wrote “My personal savings (which just topped $100,000) have no impact on my spending decisions. I have no level that I would consider ‘enough’ to spend more freely.” I was disgusted. How can you attempt to connect with others about living frugally? Take your time to write about saving money, not how bothered you have been about your parents choosing cheap motels. There are plenty of people who have to choose those places because they cannot afford anything else.
You are bragging. Please think very hard about writing, and being considerate of your audience. Self-degradation is the most selfish form of boosting your ego.
Now stop reading this response and write an appropriate article. I will be waiting to see you grow as a writer on these blogs.
With support of a positive outcome.
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I totally get this post.
Much of our money beliefs are handed down from our parents. My my mother raised me by herself, and her chronic money conversation, regardless of what was in her bank account was, “We’re poor. We can’t afford that.” Her entire life revolved around that statement. Nothing nice was within reach. Ever. It was a done deal.
I see Anna’s parents’ money conversation essentially following the same vein…inflicting guilt for ever wanting to step outside of what is the “norm” for that family, despite their fiscal superpowers.
How do we get out of our money mindtraps when enjoyment is possible? What if the money mindtrap is inherited? What conversations — and lessons — can we use instead? And what is the golden mean of money enjoyment?
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My parents were also frugal/sensible when I was growing up. They bought us ice cream cones, but it happened infrequently so it was always a special treat. (However, we had ice cream at home every night). They didn’t buy us toys or things except on our birthdays or Christmas, and it never occurred to my brother and I to ask. If we went to a fair or amusement park, they’d give us each a certain amount to spend, so we learned to decide what we wanted to spend it on, rather than be constantly asking them for treats.
My dad was in the medical field, and my mother was able to stay at home. They provided us with private schools, music lessons, all the things to give us a good educational start in life. Just not lots of extra stuff. I became a spendthrift in my 20s/30s and racked up credit card debt, then finally paid it off.
The wake-up call was when my parents mentioned that they were the only ones in their generation of friends and relatives to be able to retire – the others are all still working. Now they go on extended trips overseas and in the US in their RV. I’d prefer that future, so I’m trying to be like them.
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I am a strong believer in doing everything in moderation. From eating, to working,to excercising to our relationship with money. Anything in the extreme is not healthy. My Mom (single Mom) was the extreme opposite of your Dad. Her mantra was always “Don’t be a cheapskate, enjoy every cent you make. Why save it? You can’t take it with you when you die!” I’m not kidding! Where did that get me??? In a LOT of financial trouble! But, as many of you have said on here, as adults, it is ultimately our decision to change and be the people we want to be. My Mom and I are completely different in our philosophies with money now. I spend moderately and strongly believe in saving for a “rainy day.” My wake-up call came when I got laid off and had no savings to help me through! So, I guess my advice to you is… don’t wait for your “wake-up call,” which could be you with a lot of money and a list full of regrets. Seek help if need be, read self-help books, ask others who seem to have things under control and work on bettering your mind set every day. It’s true that you can’t take a U-Haul to heaven, just like you can’t take you savings account. But, you CAN take and leave behind happy memories. : ) Good luck to you!
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