This guest post from Anna is part of the “reader stories” feature here at Get Rich Slowly. Some stories contain general “how I did X” advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all levels of financial maturity and with all sorts of incomes.
My experience with money is probably the opposite of many readers here. I’ve always had money. I got a generous allowance starting at age 5, and was encouraged to save it. What I’m not sure about is how to spend it. And I definitely don’t want anyone else knowing I have it (which is why I’m posting anonymously).
I don’t come from a long line of family wealth — just one generation of two thrifty people (my parents) who worked steady jobs with benefits starting in their twenties, and kept those jobs for their entire lives. Growing up, my dad told me that our family had more money than others in our relatively poor, rural area. And it was a secret. I shouldn’t tell my friends about my allowance. There weren’t a lot of outside signs of our money — we rarely ate out, we shopped at the Salvation Army and JC Penney, and we got our hair cut (badly) in some lady’s kitchen for five bucks.
We have that at home
Two irritating practices of my father’s brainwashed me into the idea that money was only for saving, not for spending.
The first was the dreaded “we have that at home.” If we wanted a 50-cent soda out of the vending machine, my dad would say, “We can get a 12-pack of soda at the supermarket for $2.50, so each can would only be 21 cents. I’m not paying 50 cents for a soda.” And we would never get that soda.
Same with ice cream: “For the price of that cone, you can get a whole gallon of ice cream at the supermarket.” This was infuriating. If you have kids and don’t particularly care about them liking you but want to save money, “we have that at home” is definitely the way to go.
If we protested with, “But you have so much money!”, the stock reply was “I wouldn’t have so much money if I wasted 50 cents on a soda all the time.” True for many, but considering that my dad managed to save a few million dollars, I’m pretty sure he would have had room for a whole bunch of sodas in the budget.
Spending money like it grows on trees
As we got older, my family started to take summer road trips. We’d bring a cooler, stay in cheap motels, and generally have a great time. Better yet, on vacation, my dad would inexplicably buy us treats like ice cream cones. We loved it, until one day when we were sitting on a bench eating our forbidden ice cream cones and my dad sighed and said, “We’re spending money on this vacation like it grows on trees.” I wanted to throw my ice cream cone in his face.
With that one sentence, my dad made me feel guilty for the entire vacation, even though I had had no part in planning it and he was in charge of all the cash. Later, when I traveled by myself, I did everything I could to save money — to the point of hitchhiking and other things most people would consider unsafe — just to avoid that same feeling of spending too much on a vacation.
Was it worth it?
If you, dear readers, knew the kind of money my dad has given me over the years, you might (and probably will) call me an ungrateful brat. The truth is that I am grateful. I’m grateful to both of my parents for teaching me financial responsibility, how to be thrifty, and how to live beneath my means. And, of course, I’m grateful for the money they’ve given me — or at least, I will be one day when I finally give myself permission to spend any of it.
I never need to worry about whether I have enough to pay a bill, or whether my decision to return to grad school was financially smart. (Don’t worry: I pay for it by working assistantships, not with dad’s money.) But I do have to obsess about whether I’m getting the lowest price for everything.
It took me two years of grad school to come to terms with occasionally buying coffee and studying in a coffee shop, instead of staying at home where I could drink cheaper coffee I made myself! I put myself through bus hassles because I refuse to pay for on-campus parking, live in cheap apartments that always seem to have more annoyances, and only apply to nearby conferences because I just can’t see spending hundreds of my own dollars on academic travel.
My personal savings (which just topped $100,000) have no impact on my spending decisions. I have no level that I would consider “enough” to spend more freely.
Not my choice
While it’s great to have my own earnings and the money from my dad sitting around earning interest, I didn’t choose it. I’m ashamed of having money, and constantly irritated with myself for my cheapskate tendencies. If I could go back, I would have bought my childhood self more sodas and more ice cream cones (in addition to teaching frugality in general), even if it meant having less in the bank.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, or love. The way I came about it, it buys security at the expense of enjoyment. I’m trying to tell myself to lighten up a little — to go out to dinner with friends without worrying about the bill, or buy a shirt I really like even if it’s full price. I’ve become a little more reasonable over time, but I still have a long way to go before I can spend money like a normal person.
Reminder: This is a story from one of your fellow readers. Please be nice. After nearly a decade of blogging, I have a thick skin, but it can be scary to put your story out in public for the first time. Remember that this guest author isn’t a professional writer, and is just learning about money like you are. Photo by Eden Pictures.
This article is about Frugality, Reader Stories, Relationships
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I see absolutely nothing wrong with your dad’s parenting style. You do, indeed, sound like an ungrateful brat. You never quote anything mean spirited, rather just a man trying to do the best for his family. If you had stated that your clothes were threadbare and you had holes in your shoes, I’d sing a different tune. But ice cream and sodas–give me a break.
I have a 6 year old daughter and even though I can afford to buy her ice cream every time she asks, if I gave in every time it would stop being a treat and start being expected.
You sound like you are simply trying to justify needless spending for those (99% of us) who don’t have the luxury you have of excess funds.
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@146 partgypsy
DH and I were discussing this over breakfast. We came to the conclusion that we can verbally enforce that we love the kids and that spending money is not a measure of value or worth. We can enforce that money is a tool and that we love our kids no matter what. We can encourage discussion so that they can ask whenever they’re worried about something instead of suffering in silence. Sure actions and aside comments can be misinterpreted, but talking things out in an atmosphere of love and understanding should help.
I always feel like I can talk to my parents about anything (even if it means arguing with my dad). My husband has only recently (since our kid was born) started feeling like he can discuss things with his. I always thought that difference was kind of odd. DH’s parents seem so nice and normal and mine seem so idiosyncratic, but I’m never afraid to bring things up with mine when they’re bothering me. And I know they love me and feel proud of me. The first time DH realized his parents were proud of him was when he overheard them telling my parents at our wedding rehearsal dinner. We both turned out ok anyway.
So, I think the point I’m trying to make is that these things don’t have to fester. We don’t have to worry about the money messages we’re sending if we talk them out, encourage communication and even disagreement, and let them know if we’re worried they’re taking the wrong message when that is not our intent. It’s like formal teaching, if you encourage students to ask questions in a safe environment, teacher mistakes can become valuable teaching moments rather than a disaster. They can lead to more rather than less learning.
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P.S. When my dad paid for 4 years of college and sent me to Europe for 2 weeks I was so glad he didn’t give in to all those requests for ice creams, brand name clothes, and sodas.
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There’s a lot of judgement in some of these posts! I think part of what struck me about this story is the feelings that came with the “we have it at home so you can’t have it now.” It isn’t just about having to defer or have unmet desires, it’s the subtle emotional texture of how those things were said and how they felt; there’s an energetic charge that is real and strong and really imprints.
I did hear appreciation for the gifts that came from this situation, and I don’t hear victimhood someone else referenced, just a self-awareness of how that emotional imprint has stuck around, and a desire to balance choices that do make sense with enjoying life, and not depriving oneself when the cost (what life feels like) is more than the benefit ($2 or $4 saved).
It’s all real, it’s all legit, and I support Anna in her quest to live a life that works and feels good and balanced. Thanks again for the great blog and story.
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I find it interesting that one of the most difficult lessons to learn is simply that on “how to spend properly” and that this life lesson seems to be a tricky one for anyone regardless of upbringing or current financial standing.
JD, I don’t know HOW to do so but I really think pieces that explore this lesson are really interesting and really helpful. I don’t know if there are different methods for figuring out a comfortable spending policy, but it’d be neat to share some ideas. I actually think this point is interesting but I’d be more interested in a follow-up solution-oriented post with good research. Don’t know if that makes sense!
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The trick to learning how to spend money without guilt is to have a good budget. In my world, savings is a percentage of income or a set amount each month and free spending is budgeted also. I give myself an allowance each month to spend without guilt. Spending without guilt takes practice – I determine my level of spending I feel comfortable with when I sit down and do my budget. You may have to start with small amounts, but with practice you can do it.
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I really didn’t read this as Anna blaming her parents excessively or feeling bitter about her childhood. Regrets about your childhood are fine, and it seems clear that she appreciates her parents.
Anna, have you tried setting up a budget where a certain amount of money is specifically designated for spending? Maybe even take it out as cash at the beginning of the month and carry it with you. Kind of similar to what people recommend to over-spenders, but in reverse.
I used to be a compulsive saver but I’ve found that small indulgences (fresh flowers every week, fancy tea instead of cheap store brand) improve my quality of life and don’t cost all that much.
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It’s a topic which, like any real one, has two sides of a coin. When my parents didn’t buy me full meals on vacations and rather shared left-overs of theirs, I think of it now “poor me, abandoned”. However now I rather prepare packaged meals at home to take with us for my own family and don’t think bad about it twice. We do swing by fast food chains, but surely rarely, and I am proud when my husband told me how my son opened a fridge to find what to take on a trip last weekend (instead of hoping to stop by convenient store). My parents share their wealth with their kids now, not “throwing it at us”, but helping when we’re really in need. As for “fear to be poor”, as an immigrant first generation, and having dealt with many craxy things which “eaten up” ALL the savings, I don’t see myself changing my own mentality. I save and save – and then it gets wiped out. I do spend on things that matters to me – but not on those that matters to general population. This is what I try to teach my kids as well. It’s not working very well as they are a true product of the society, but it’s working to a great extent comparing to “any other kid”. If a kid asks for a soda at the movie for $5.50 – ask him if he’d pay his own money for it. Then why should I? But I did take them all over the country on trips (however frugal) and they saw more of it than that very “any other kid”. My oldest, for example, only now recognised it as a treat to his childhood – and he is 19. Looks like my younger (14 yo) is “getting it” a bit earlier.
Anyhow, I guess I am trying to say parents do what they think is good, they can’t read mind on what you’ll think is good when you grow up. You think you need to be different – be different. If it’s somebody else that doesn’t like your ways – oh, well.
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My husband and I were having problems last year because I wouldn’t allow myself to spend our savings, but he would “splurge” once every month or two on a video game or something enjoyable without any guilt at all. It ticked me off. Then I realized that I had the problem.
Since then, we talked about the way spending made me feel and how resentful I was that he didn’t have the same money guilt I did. We set up separate fun money accounts that get funded every month with $125. My account is always loaded, but I at least don’t feel bad about going out with friends or splurging on treats when I’m out once in a while.
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“Hey.. my mother is 81 and i’m 55.. I still get the “i grew up in the Depression” talks!”
Heh! I’m 40. Soon we will be the generation GIVING the Great Depression talks.
Just one thing my aunt told me that I have never forgotten – she said, “If you’re going to save money, you should be saving it FOR something.”
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For those criticizing Anna, I think many are missing the point she made. It’s not about ice cream and soda in particular – it’s that the lesson Anna learned about spending on anything that is a want and not a need, is shameful. It’s not about indulging a child every time they ask for something, it’s about being willing to use a little bit of money once in a while to give a child a treat (don’t we as adults sometimes indulge in a treat for ourselves?) It isn’t about being ungrateful for what one has, it’s about being told that having anything at all is shameful: “Don’t let anyone know that you have an allowance…”
Money comes with many emotional attachments and is so closely connected to feelings of personal worth. One way negative emotions can be expressed is through over-spending and that is discussed quite regularly here. Another way is to fear spending money at all. But both have the common denominiator – a lack of control over one’s finances.
Anna, I think you’re brave for sharing your story. I also think it needs something more. You know the root, you know the problem, what kind of a solution are you working on (besides brunch)? If someone wrote a piece that said, “My father taught me xyz about money and now I’m a spendthrift and deeply in debt. The End.” They could also expect criticism and to be labeled a victim. What are you doing for your (anonymous
) self to undo the patterns you loathe?
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My parents never taught me to be frugal. I was a pretty rebellious kid anyway (haha). However, now that I’m “grown up” (29) I am easily the most frugal amongst all of my friends. And now that I started paying attention, I realize how frugal my parents were while growing up. I think it was more nature than nurture. Ironically, my parents told me to spend more money because they were worried I was overdoing it like how you mentioned in your post!
Either way, I am grateful I inherited this “Ebenezer Scrooge” gene; I’ve learned to be generous to my friends to avoid stigmas but still be stingy with myself.
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@161 Michelle. I think you nailed it. Shame. Not telling anybody. That’s the piece I was missing that I couldn’t wrap my head around.
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Wow, I can’t believe how many comments this got. Maybe I should write a followup or something on how I’ve tried to achieve more balance following a weird financial upbringing.
It’s a lot of pressure on a “reader story” writer to get their entire life into one post- J.D. has had years to tell his story, but I don’t think any reader could get all the facets of their life, even just their money life, into one post.
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Thank you for sharing, Anna, and I get what you’re saying. To all those judging her, let me ask you this:
Would feel SHAME for spending 80 cents on a pack of granola?
She was taught that money is shameful, and that’s just as bad and being taught that money grows on trees and you can spend it at a whim. And, btw, telling her she shouldn’t complain is that’s she’s a spoiled brat is just doing more of the same.
This isn’t about lack of appreciation over what you have. It’s about finding balance.
Also, her post shows that having money really doesn’t guarantee happiness. I’m not from money, but a lot of kids at school were, and trust me, they were not all happy even though their parents could afford chartered planes to the islands. Some people think “If only I had this I would be happy.” The truth is more complicated.
Good luck, Anna, in re-adjusting your feelings towards money.
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Definitely a lot of missing the point going on above. It isn’t that dad wouldn’t buy the damn ice cream cone. It isn’t that she got an allowance and why didn’t she just buy it herself.
It’s that every single thing in life went according to the script of “don’t tell anyone we have money, we can’t spend money, it’s bad to spend money, you’re bad if you want to spend money.”
Thanks to Courtney, Beth, Michelle and Nicole (finally) above for “getting it.”
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Hi Anna,
I can relate to your story. My parents made me wear hand-me-downs all the time or knitted sweaters made by Grannie. I still hate everything knitted. We ate mostly stuff from our garden which I never liked. Banana is my most favourite fruit because you HAVE TO buy it instead of growing it.
My first day at the beach was around 14 or 15. We never went on holiday before that. My family never went abroad because they do not speak any foreign languages and because of the cost. They are unable to enjoy anything that involves spending money.
I do get the feeling that I don’t deserve something when I spend money, even if it’s just a 10 dollar pair of earrings or some 30 dollar pants. I never spent more than 10 for a watch.
Just recently the bank contacted my parents regarding will planing and everything. They showed me the documents and it’s around three times my annual salary plus some real estate (rented out).
I am not sure if I can enjoy any of it later on because spending money is like a physical pain to me. But since I do not have kids and probably never will, why should I be saving everything? (It’s not wrong to save something, but how do I balance it???)
I want to go on a holiday once a year, during the time I am young enough, that I can still enjoy it and not being sick or bound to a wheelchair.
You’ll never know when it is too late to enjoy a journey or a different country.
Maybe you can start getting an exciting experience instead of material things? Travel some, learn more, get a dog or anything like that. Go scuba diving!
But still, it’s going to be difficult for you, just like it is for me…
N
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@Chacha1
Hmph. Was that “finally” necessary?
It really was not obvious what was going on and did take a couple of days of thinking and seeing other people’s discussion on the matter. Of course, it seems obvious once it has been pointed out.
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Anna,
I can relate to your story because my own upbringing was a like a watered-down version of yours. I have loosened up (and my parents even more) but I still have a sense of scarcity that makes me want to hold on to each dollar (almost). And I would like to get rid of that feeling.
One thing that has worked pretty well for me is a budget. Most people see a budget as a painful restraint, but it can help people like us breathe more freely. What you do is allotting little money to the big-ticket categories, and giving yourself a ‘fun spending’ allowance that is more than adequate to do the fun things you’d like to do. Remind yourself this is money to be spent, because you took it away from other categories. So basically you plan out the pounds and let the pennies flow freely.
Another technique that may help is spending half and saving half of your take-home pay. Or even better (what I’m working on): spend a third, save a third and give away a third. Repeated giving to a good cause is a surefire way to bust that sense of scarcity.
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It takes me back to hear so many identifying with Anna’s point of view. I’m pretty sure I said the same thing about the same point in my life.
Anna — Hopefully your (new?) awareness of when you hear your father’s voice in your head can help you move beyond it.
20 years ago, my therapist taught me to rewire some of my automatic reactions by identifying and questioning assumptions I had learned from my family and community: “Who told you that?”, “Does that make sense?” and “Why do you think they told you that?” I had to remember and identify where I learned things to be able to decide whether to keep them, or realize that I didn’t have to hold that particular belief.
Money was a very complicated issue in my family of origin. DH and I talk about it a lot, to make sure we’re living by what we believe, not just what we were taught. You mentioned that you had a few discussions with your siblings about your parents’ money habits — that sounds like a great idea to compare perceptions and coping strategies.
Good luck!
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Live below your means. Save some. Spend some. The rest works itself out.
I spent 2 years being extremely devoted to debt. It’s gone. I’m still frugal, but I draw the line when it makes a negative impact on my friends and family. So I hide it by having 1 drink at dinner instead of 2. I bring my lunch but if someone asks me to join them out, you bet!
Balance is key.
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People want to know what a proper relationship with money is. How much should they save? How much can they spend? Where is the golden mean between spending too much and saving too much?
But asking “how much” is looking at it wrong. Life is not about how much you save or how much you spend. Life is about what you do. Money is not an end. It is a means. It is a tool.
Don’t squander your money. Don’t throw it away thoughtlessly, don’t spend it accidentally over many years on things you wouldn’t have bought if you’d stepped back and thought about it. Don’t let desire and debt rule your life to the point that you can’t do anything.
Don’t hoard your money. Don’t save it over many years without thought or purpose, all the while avoiding experiences that really WOULD have been worth it to you if you’d stepped back and thought about it. Disaster may strike; you may die at 35 and leave all of it to someone else, and then what will you have to show for your life? Don’t let money rule your life to the point that you can’t do anything.
Use your money. Step back and ask yourself what you want in life. Freedom? Save for early retirement. Travel? Save for it and then spend on it. Life near family? Education? Great achievement? Security for your children?
Save ruthlessly for your goals. And spend ruthlessly on your goals.
You only get one shot at life.
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The lack of empathy in some of these comments is unfortunate. The reason most of us try to gain knowledge about money is so that we aren’t slaves to it through living pay cheque to pay cheque or through debt. In the case of this story, we see people who are still enslaved to money even though they have a lot of it.
The most fitting analogy I can think of is over-saving is to over-spending what anorexia is to morbid obesity.
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wow to those judging the author, what child hasn’t felt anger towards their parents for something? EVERYONE has at some point about something. I’m talking to you very frugal readers, the ones who judge the author so harshly, you’re not perfect. I know human nature. Everyone has had issues with their parents at some point.
This is why its so important to teach children a healthy mix of saving + spending.
The sad thing is so many parents want their children to be so much like them and when they aren’t the parents end up disappointed. Children aren’t clones. They have their own personalities, interests, desires, they’re their own individuals.
You see this with religious parents, a lot of kids end up rebelling against their faith. Those who let their children make up their minds, usually those end up better adjusted than the kids who were forced to go to church growing up.
Its great that a few people here say that their frugal childhood didn’t make them resentful, but not everyone is like that. Maybe your parents knew how to balance their frugality with treats now and then. Growing up my parents said no A LOT, that I just gave up asking them.
They loosened up over the years and have offered money to help me out and then but still you remember stuff from your childhood because when you’re a child you’re so vulnerable, impressions and experiences stick longer, as an adult, you can shrug things off and choose your path but that’s not the case when you’re a child.
For once someone is being honest, and yet all people want to do is judge them for their honesty. So what if she hadn’t written this story and sent it to GRS, does that mean her thoughts wouldn’t exist? I don’t think so. Ah but you can’t judge her thoughts can you unless she writes them down and that’s where the difference is that she actually spoke.
I thought this was America and not Burma.
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I think you should go buy yourself an ice cream cone and enjoy it with a soda. I bet you will find it freeing after writing this post and realizing what you are putting yourself through.
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A courageous story to tell. I would take a different approach to the story. As a parent what values would you teach your children? What would make you proud to hear about your child. Every parent I know strives to do two things. Cater to the basic needs, and prepare for the future. Here lies the difficult task. Parents try to grow their children in the image of themselves. There is nothing wrong in that. There are good and bad things in each person. Some of the bad things are good things made irrelevant by time. Some of them are timeless. As an individual I try to assimilate the values of my parents and superimpose my own. The ones I have learnt, not inherited. The ones which I have consciously thought and found to be more up to date with the times now. It is not easy thing to do, and more often than not , I am furious with my parents over some petty thing. But when I am alone and I think about my parents life and what they have achieved, what they have taught me, the deficiencies in my parents are always minuscule to the goodness.
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All I can say is THANK YOU.
This is the exactly the kind of upbringing I had. As a child, I was frequently made to feel guilty about the most basic things, like wanting an occasional can of soda. Even when my mom would take me shopping for a Christmas dress that she insisted I needed, she would never let me pick anything that wasn’t “on sale.” This normally resulted in me getting clothes I hated.
In fact, my entire life, I attended school in mostly garage sale-bought clothing, which baffled my other friends considering the size and splendor of our house.
Like you said, while it’s nice to have learned the lessons of frugality, which I too am good at now, I still feel incredibly guilty buying anything! Even things that are two measly dollars, I will agonize over the purchase and whether or not I am getting the best deal. And clothes that aren’t on sale? I still cannot bring myself to buy them.
I guess you could say I resent it a little bit. It’s an anxiety over money that was taught to me, and I would appreciate not having that anxiety in my life when it’s not necessary.
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Thank you so much for sharing this! It has given me so much to think about, and I especially appreciate the feeling that “you are only as rich as you feel.”
As a parent, I do strive to save every penny I can. But I want my kids to feel like their lives are full of riches. We went out for ice cream yesterday in (secret) honor of this post.
Thanks again!
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Your father sounds like a smart man!
Why waste money on a nice hotel, when you shouldn’t be spending your time in it ANYWAYS if you’re on vacation?
If it had a bed, it’s good to go!!
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@ 174 nyx, who said: “wow to those judging the author, what child hasn’t felt anger towards their parents for something? EVERYONE has at some point about something.”
and @ 166 chacha1 who thinks some of us missed the point:
We didn’t miss the point, but many of us disagree with the conclusion. Obviously, it isn’t about the ice cream and soda, it’s the emotional burden that was created by her dad’s stinginess. We get it.
The problem with the critics (myself included) is that YES, most of us have some emotional scars from otherwise normal childhoods. But I’d argue that most of us also took control at adulthood to remove the metaphorical monkey from our backs and appreciate the lesson, regardless of the journey.
This story reeks of “woe is me”… the typical victim mentality. Let’s see: Dad teaches frugality (albeit in a very guilt-driven way) while saving his butt off, which at Anna’s adulthood results in her having a boatload of money and a frugal mentality.
My folks, who sucked with money (and still do), used passive-agreesive communication to try to coerse me into doing things their way as a child. As I matured, I learned to distinguish the good lessons from the bad, and now I fully appreciate all the good things they did for me and sacrafices they made. But more importantly, I remember the negative moments so that I do not repeat them – without carrying any sense of resentment to my parents.
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I feel very blessed – my parents were good role models for saving AND spending. In elementary school in the sixties Mom would give us money to buy stamps for our savings bonds book – when the book was full, you earned a savings bond. Years later my deposit for my first home came totally from savings bonds, purchased automatically through work.
Spending-wise – one-time when we were on vacation we stopped for a meal and I wanted a steak. My parents and I negotiated – they’d pay the price of a hamburger and I would pay the difference – smart parents, one happy kid.
Wish my brother and I had realized that while my parents used credit cards, they paid the balance off each month…took me until ten years ago to realize that one.
Good luck Anna – you’re worth spending money on yourself.
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@Mike #180
Acknowledging where one’s parents were misguided – even criticizing them for it – is not necessarily the same thing as resentment. It’s the start to understanding where you got ineffective thinking, and then changing it. It’s also the beginning of forgiveness, if that is the chosen path. I think every single adult has something they need to forgive their parents for, no matter how loved they were, because no parent is perfect.
And once on that journey, getting that “monkey off your back” is not an event, it’s a process. And one that is easier for some than others. Depending upon the depth of one’s emotional wounds and their personality, it takes some people more time and more effort to find their adult selves. Some are not even brave enough to start the journey.
Anna appears to be in the middle of that process. But there are many here who are bashing her for either having to do it at all (“ungrateful”), or for daring to write before she had integrated all her childhood demons (“victim mentality”).
But by writing her story, Anna has shown she does have courage to acknowledge where she came from and start her journey, and for that, she should receive support. And if I’m wrong, and she’s not someone who has the courage to start on that journey, berating her is no way to encourage her growth. When someone tells you about their pain, the right thing to do is to be compassionate and constructive, not tell them they have no right to that pain or worse yet, belittle it.
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@182 Michelle: Anna admits within the post that she feels ashamed at having her dad’s money the way it came. That’s resentment in my book.
And while I agree that no parents are perfect, I disagree that all of us have something to forgive our parents for. Barring doing something illegal or immoral, a parent IMHO should have free reign to parent their way. They are the parents and they have authority. I don’t think children have the right to seek forgiveness for grudges they carry because they disagree with the way they were raised. “Because I said so” used to be a perfectly reasonable and unarguable response from a parent to a child, but in our current day and age too many kids feel they have the right to question authority figures and complain freely, without reprocussions.
This entire story reminds me of a girl in my high school, who on her 16th birthday got a beautiful brand new Jeep Wrangler gifted to her by her parents. She cried the entire day, because she had wanted a cute convertable red BMW.
It is difficult to feel empathy when there are far worse circumstances that folks deal with all the time.
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I’ve heard virtually the same lines from my parents (I still have no clue how much they managed to save)! I definitely started off saving obsessively and hoarding most of my money when I started working. However, I would argue if you’re going to make a mistake, it’s much easier to start off on the heavy saving side than the other way around. Digging out of debt seems to take years, while learning to enjoy your wealth just takes some determination.
Wondering what I was saving all that money for forced me to increase the amount I spend on entertainment and fun in my budget. While I still feel a tinge of guilt when I get that ice cream cone, between my sweet tooth and my determination to not be *quite* like my parents helps me get over it. I also find comfort knowing that I’ll never find myself in over my head in credit card debt not because of how much I’ve saved, but because of the habits my parents ingrained in me.
Some things that helped me: start off listing some of the things you want to buy in the future (big things! like fun trips or a big TV). Think about them every now and then while doing more and more research on quality and pricing. I found that it helps knowing you got the best deal possible and the delayed spending fends off the guilt of potential impulse buys. In the end, there really is no “normal spender” despite what advertisers tell you. Good luck and have fun learning to spend!
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@124 Nicole – you can’t see the forest for the trees if all you can focus on is that soda is bad for your teeth. If you won’t occasionally do something so inexpensive SUCH AS buying your kids a soda once a month or something just to see them smile, then you love your money too much, or you’re in desparate financial straits and need to take immediate action to rectify the situation. That’s all there is to it. If anyone is so poor that they can’t afford to frivolously spend a couple of bucks once a month, every couple of months, whatever, I don’t know how they can even afford children at all.
It’s the gesture, not the product, that is important. Money is an emotional thing, and sometimes spending it on someone else IS an example of love. I work very hard and spend a lot of time to earn what little money I make right now, so being generous by spending it on my loved ones occasionally is definitely one way (just one way, of course) to tell them I love them.
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My parents were always very frugal. Clipping coupons and packing our own lunches on trips was the norm, but luckily they were not obsessive about their frugality.
Even though it wasn’t from my parents, I too share your extreme feelings towards spending. For years, I have felt guilt for wanting to buy anything for myself that wasn’t an incredible deal or a necessity.
I am slowly starting to get past some of that, but I am nowhere near feeling “normal” about money. One thing that has certainly helped though, was to give myself an adult allowance. Sure, I just saved it up, and even started investing it… but, every now and then, I buy myself a little present, and I not only don’t feel guilt about it, I am proud that I earned the money, and can freely spend it.
I wish you luck in dealing with those demons… I know exactly how you feel.
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@185
no… I think you’re missing the point
Material items aren’t important, and treats that are bad for a kid don’t need to be provided by parents at all, even if they are free to the parent. (Besides, they get plenty of junk food these days outside of home.)
There are plenty of treats that are good for kids, the most precious of which is a parents’ time. Something doesn’t have to rot your teeth to be a treat. Treats can even align with a parent’s values (gasp) which is why my kid has so many books, among other things.
Money is a tool and it is very sad when money is equated with love. Money is not love, and it is a bad lesson to send to a kid that it is. Money is just money. It buys goods and services. I think it is really sad when people judge their worth to others by how much others spend on them.
Same thing with food, which provides nourishment. Food is not love, but a lot of people are taught to believe it is. That leads to emotional eating.
This story isn’t about the father not thinking she was worth a soda or an ice cream cone. This story is about a messed up relationship with money and viewing spending as shameful rather than as a (limited quantity) tool to get goods and services.
Personally I think my son is too valuable to feed junk food to (though if that’s what he wants to spend his own money on when he’s old enough to get an allowance, so be it; he gets to make his own decisions with his own money).
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@187 Nicole – well put. Money (and food) are simply tools. Money is NOT emotional, as Missing It (@185) implies. People are emotional, and some people choose to create emotional attachments to money (and food), which creates the problems described within the initial post and the comments that follow. It is sad.
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The comment “we have it a home” is less of a money issue and more of a delaying of gratification lesson. You have food at home, but people still go out to eat.
Growing up, we didn’t have a lot of “stuff” but boy do we have memories. Vacations were usually spent at relatives. 40 years later my siblings and I still talk about our vacation to West Virgina and the Blue Ridge Mountains. Going to McDonald’s or any fast food was a once or twice a year event.
Anna, your parent’s did the best they could with the tools they had. You need to forgive them and forgive yourself. If the money is such a burden to you, give it away to something or someone you are passionate about. Live life.
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Seems interesting that people are frugal with their money to the point of eeking out pennies and frugal with their happiness!
Find the thing that makes you happy and don’t be afraid to indulge in it once in a while. You’ll have a few less dollars but probably more happiness. Then look for bargains on the things that matter less but still need to get the thrill of the bargain.
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I, too, find myself saying “We have that at home,” even when I have the available cash to buy the soda or candy bar or whatever. There are times when I truly don’t have the money and we have no savings. At all.
I know that is bad and we have been working on it, but have not accomplished anything yet. Other times, I have the money and just choose not to get a soda. Maybe I should think about what my kids are thinking too.
To Chiomunk – “I have a bad tooth that I could get fixed quickly and very cheaply, but I’d rather just resign myself to chewing on one side of my mouth instead.” That’s bad. I can tell you from experience. I needed minor work done on my teeth and couldn’t afford it and didn’t have insurance. By the time I finally took a loan out to fix my teeth, it was 10,000. I had to have a lot of work done. I would seriously reconsider skipping the dentist.
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Hi Anna,
I understand how hard it must be to live in that but i see that your parents upbringing made a great impact on you and this kind of upbringing do works on most. People are trained to save money rather spend a lot.
However, I’m following the concept of the law of attraction. In law of attraction, it basically state that you are the creator or your dreams or wishes and you need to think of your dream and think that you have achieve that dream now.
In law of attraction, you must feel good about money. Before I’m exactly on thinking like what you’re thinking about money now, that spending is a crime or it gives me guilt. I feel good about money, for me money is hard to find as i was trained that it does not just grow on trees. But when i learned of the law of attraction, I see that you must feel good about money and welcome it into your life. You donlt ned to spend and spend without saving what you just need to do is think that money is goood and that you need money to live hapilly and to do all you want to do. If you’ve heard about The Science of Getting Rich then read on it and you’ll see that earning money is easy. Donlt get me wrong, I know that being thrifty is important but I don’t see the sense of earning money yet limitting yourself to be happy because you have to limit money into your life.
beign ashamed of using money will not attract mor money at all. so you need to feel good about having money so you can attract more riches in to your life
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Anna, thanks for your post. It was interesting. Did your parents grow up very poor? That might account for their overly-thrifty ways. My dad grew up in real poverty but became middle-class thanks to a college education on the GI bill. However, I think he never shook off the feeling of poverty. When we would shop for school clothes in August, he’d make us feel guilty; “what about all the kids who can’t afford new clothes?” It took me years to stop feeling guilty about spending money. I have a pretty good income and thus live pretty well. I know how to be thrifty when I need to be, but I have learned to spend money on myself when appropriate. I know what I can afford and what I can’t.
Chipmunk, your post was interesting but it troubled me. I honestly believe you should see a counselor. It’s one thing to clip coupons or shop sales; it is quite another thing to put yourself in danger by showering in the dark. What if you tripped on something and hit your head on the sink or tub? You admit that you think about money all the time. This isn’t normal. Watch the TV show “Hoarders” about the people who save used pizza boxes and closets full of Tupperware; now picture yourself in their shoes, substituting money for pizza boxes and Tupperware. I am serious. Please get help.
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Something different: If a writer posted that s/he was $100,000 in debt, I think the readers might take it in stride as appropriate fodder for this forum. But let someone post that s/he SAVED $100,000, and people get testy. After all, this blog is called “Get RICH Slowly”.
Thanks again, Anna, and good luck!
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“If I could go back, I would have bought my childhood self more sodas and more ice cream cones (in addition to teaching frugality in general), even if it meant having less in the bank. ”
This is actually the same philosophy I’ve got now that I have a child. We don’t have tons of money leaft over each month, but I grew up with a dad who spent every dime on himself, never on his family, and a mom (they were divorced) who pretty much did the same. At a young age I started working to save up so I could leave, so for the most part, I didn’t really enjoy my childhood.
NOw that I ahve a child, I want him to enjoy things. I don’t want to be so worried about money I can’t get him a snack when we go somewhere and he says he’s hungry, or I can’t (or won’t) get him a toy for 41 at a yard sale. It makes me happy to soil him in that way. And while I don’t always say yes, on the small things like that, I do, because its enjoyable for him, and for me to do that.
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With that amount of buffer, I would pick out my biggest dream – the most wasteful but most wanted thing I’ve ever wanted, and I’d do that one thing. Just that one thing. And then see what happens.
I dunno, in your case maybe it’s to rent someone’s ice cream truck for a day and give away the contents at your own expense
On another note, it’s true that kids will remember the most surprising things and really take them to heart. I remember being crushed when I was about 8. I was sick and my cat was sleeping with me, and I told my aunt that my cat always knew when I was sick and comforted me. My aunt completely ruined this when she said, “cats don’t know that, she’s probably just next to you because it’s warm.” There are certain things you can’t forget, and sometimes it’s the weird stuff. But I completely understand how Anna’s dad’s comment could ruin her whole vacation. The most random (and nonchalant) things can be the most damaging…
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I can relate to your story. My parents were dirt poor, from a third world country. I lived that tailend. My mom was a maid so I grew up in rich people’s homes to see how the other half lives. Today, my parents are in their late 80′s and financially VERY comfortable. My parents still live as if they are poor. My millionaire cousins died, living as if they were poor and NEVER enjoyed their money. I see this most with people that lived hard lives. I’m a bit like my parents but learned to live a financially balanced life. Yes, you sound resentful at your parents, but I’m sure they did the best they could under the conditions which they might have experienced in the Depression. The key I have found is to be balanced in all things. Enjoy your money.
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