Ask the Readers: Help! I’m Overwhelmed! How Do I Get Started?

This question was just in the Reader Mailbag on The Simple Dollar on Monday (essentially word for word).

I don’t have any real advice for her other than to wish her luck.

Cut out cable-you won’t miss it and it’s not a priority compared to the other things you’re dealing with.

“I have a need to accomplish things on my own”

You are not accomplishing things on your own. You are accepting help from relatives and you have debts in the form of loans or credit cards. This is accepting help from strangers. The thing about family and friends is they don’t charge you interest. You should not feel shame in accepting help from someone close to you, because that is what family and friends are for. To help you when you are down, (the best of friends always will), whether it is emotionally or monetarily or just to give you a drive somewhere. The thing that may help when someone offers to help is to draw up an agreement on paper stating how much is borrowed and what minimum payments you will make. If someone can lend you enough money to get rid of all or most of your current debt you can pay it off quicker since your payments back to your friend will go all to the principle.

Here’s how I’d look at it:

1) Decide who/what is the most important to you. I’m gonna assume your son is the most important person to you.

2) Since your son is completely dependent on you, take the steps necessary to make yourself healthy. This way, you can provide for him as effectively as possible.

3) Separate needs from wants. Yeah, it’s trite but true. Mom’s cell phone HAS to take a back seat to more pressing concerns right now. Cable TV is a luxury, really. A trainer is another luxury — but maybe a group class would get you going with personal fitness for a more reasonable price. Can you plan the promised vacation with minimal budget? Can’t be Disney–but maybe you can borrow some camping gear, or couchsurf in an interesting city within reasonable driving distance from your home.

4) Ease up on the guilt. You can only do the best you can. The choices you make AREN’T going to be perfect. But DO make some choices and move on. Don’t second guess… just do.

I feel that I have read this question elsewhere…

Anyway, at this point in your life you can only focus on your needs. Vacations, weddings, cable, and helping out mom should not even be on your radar.

Getting therapy and meds is your number one priority. Next, is visiting the dentist. You can check out dental schools or speak with local dentists to get estimates and make payment arrangements.

As far as the weight gain–make healthier food choices, eat less, and start a simple walk/jog routine. The solutions are easy it is the implementation that is difficult.

Maybe you could live with your mom for a while until you are more stabilized financially. I would also check out Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover book from your local library and start to implement his plan. You need to tell your money what to do and start living on a budget.

Just remember you cannot help others until you help yourself.

Wow, that’s a tough one. You seem to think and also do a lot about your situation. This is good.
I would scratch the vacation, if you can explain this to your boyfriend and maybe do just a few long weekends instead? Re your mother, have you discussed this hith her? Maybe she will accept if you don’t pay her cell phone bill until you are debt free? Vacation with son is a tough decision. Is it possible to do it cheaper? Or your new boyfriend paying part of it if he is going there with you?
I’d definitely NOT pay a personal trainer. I second the suggestion to walk. But I personally find it difficult to exercise if I’m not doing it every day. Maybe walking for ten minutes every day would be a good start. Walking also usually helps depressed people. I don’t know if it will help you in your mental condition though. I realize changing eating habits is difficult for a lot of people but I would also look into it. My rule of thumb is, if you want to lose weight, you cannot eat anything which tastes sweet. No exceptions (unsweeted fruit in small amounts is allowed). I’ve seen too many overweight people who “cannot lose weight even if trying” but eat cakes for lunch, “just as a little treat, it’s nothing really”. Healthier diet may also be cheaper, see Jakob at earlyretirementextreme.
I’d cut the cable TV, does it really contribute so much to your life? Watching TV usually makes me depressed but it may cheer you up, I don’t know.
And get your son’s teeth fixed, this may become much uglier later. I’d try to focus on things which are necessary to keep you running. Especially you (mental) health.
In any case, good luck, you seem to have what you need to work this out, maybe just a little luck is missing.

I hear you. I’ve been in the same sort of merged problems becoming a perfect storm. But with no kid! You impress me.

My advice. Get with the exercise. It will help with the mental health. But don’t go with the personal trainer – at your (and my) budget level, you need to go it alone. Find a friend willing to walk with you every morning. Or… make your kid your trainer. Find a book with soccer exercises and come up with a routine to do, combined with a fast walk. If you got a good one going, you could easily start a larger parent/child workout group.

Can you put your mother’s cell phone on your family plan? That would probably help some. I know from friend’s that kid’s activities are all too often run by wealthier people, who don’t understand that some people can’t just fork out money unplanned. I’d bring it up at some sort of meeting – my friend brought it up in terms of budgeting, that she was trying to teach her kids about money, and wanted the costs to be known so they could save. Then work on whittling down the costs and/or coming up with some sort of sliding scale fees.

I’d also give your son an important lesson in planning – tell him that you are saving for a vacation – and that you will have a vacation that costs as much as you have been able to save. My ex-in-laws do that. They stay home from work for the week and plan as many activities as they can afford, mostly day trips. There are probably low cost things to do nearby that will add lots of good memories. Good memories are the purpose of vacations and planning can get you those without money.

On cable TV, it depends. We cut back in the summer. You might want to cut back for the school year. Would your son be cut off socially without being able to watch the TV shows other kids are talking about?

On the mental health – it depends on how you are feeling. I find it is often easier to work on stuff on my own, with a firm baseline of I get help if I can’t get things together on my own. You could try calling around and seeing if there is someone willing to talk to you about putting a plan together for self care and prioritizing your life. You want to find someone willing to do a short term plan with some followup if you need guidance. Therapy can make things better or worse, depending on if the therapist is trying to help you move on or figure out the root of your problems. Note: this last bit is often more about short term versus long term.

Also, what I have found that really helps is play to your strengths. Really try to up the happiness-added value of the things that are going right. Create pockets of success that you can build on.

I’m not a parent, so keep that in mind when reading my response. But when I was growing up, I had a parent who was so absorbed by the stress of providing for the family that it really soured our relationship, and only recently (decades later) have we started to rebuild that relationship.

With that in mind, I’d keep in mind that your son isn’t as interested in receiving *things* from you as he is in seeing you *healthy and happy*. If cutting back on scouting or coaching will afford you the personal time to mentally recover (be it in therapy or in time spent with friends or just relaxing at home), I’d pursue that route. Your son will appreciate the change in environment, and won’t fault you for taking the personal time.

With regards to your finances, I concur with Sam: lean on family. Your mother shouldn’t be such a financial burden to you that it jeopardizes your health or your relationship with your son. As a mother, you priority is the safety of your son, and you can’t provide him financial safety with your mother adding to the budget strain. Supporting her is a noble ambition, but you have greater priorities right now.

Also, I’d keep the second job until your debt is paid off. Cut your mother’s stipend and cell phone bill and use that money to pay down your debt faster. Once the debt is gone and you have a bit of a safety net (for you and your son), then that would be a good time to reconsider your job options.

Finally, don’t feel guilty about taking a vacation, but be sure that you’re taking care of higher priorities first. Your son’s health is priority #1, and your family’s financial security is #2. A “staycation” is a great option, but you shouldn’t be spending money unnecessarily until everything else is in order.

Cut the Allowance (when in financial trouble, 7-yr-olds don’t need $$). Cut half of the activities for the little boy (this will help finances AND mental health). Absolutely cut the cable (and spend the non-TV time with the little boy (win/win !!). Cut the help to Mum in half (yes, she helped immensely when you were 17, but are you hurting yourself out of the GUILT ?) I would say “Good Luck”, but “Luck” has nothing to do with it. You sound very very responsible and strong. You’ll do fine if you PUT YOURSELF & LITTLE GUY FIRST.

take a deep breath.

instead of trying to figure out where the 8K is going… create a budget and work with it. See if you can base your budget off one job. 36K is not a fortune, but we’ve raised more people on less money for years.

If your mother needs your help financially, consider moving in with her and combining some resources to save you both. (instead of stipend and paying babysitting)

Your son is most important, without giving up your own health and ability to care for him. Get your health looked after. $25 for a 50min visit is a great deal.

Go for walks with your boyfriend or pick up an exercise video from the library and $12 on free weights to lift. You do not need the personal trainer. Once your life has balance, paying attention to weight will be easier. Focus on taking care of yourself.

the vacation? sounds like more stress than it is worth.

I’ve been in almost this exact position.

Swallow your pride, take the help. Any help. As much as you can. Think of it like a sink or swim situation–the life preserver is worth it. Don’t drown to save your pride.

I neglected mental health for a while, too. And physical health. It took too long to fix when I went back because of it. Try to take even baby steps for the mental or the physical health if you can, to mitigate that.

Keep your head up. You did it! And you’re going to be fine. I know you will. You’ve proven your strength and that will serve you well for the rest of your life. *hugs*

Instead of giving your mother money a stipend and her giving you free babysitting, pay her a fair wage for babysitting. It might come out more or less the same, but she won’t feel she’s accepting charity and you won’t feel you’re sacrificing your goals for her. Babysitting will just be a line item on your budget, as it should be.

Instead of getting a personal trainer, try to find someone who needs dog-walking services in the evenings. You and your son can get exercise together, you’ll bring in a little bit of extra income, and because it’s an obligation, you’ll be more likely to do it.

Speaking of budgets, Dave Ramsey’s plan seems tailor-made for your situation. It will help you with prioritizing and repaying debt. Your health and your son’s health are priorities, but look for ways to save wherever you can (e.g., dental school for lower-priced dental services). Vacation is not a priority, but if you must, make it a weekend camping trip instead of an expensive city vacation. Your son will understand.

Finally, this won’t help much but I’m going to go ahead and say it. Shame on your sister for requiring/allowing you to spend so much on her wedding. I’m also curious, because I have a hunch she has more room in her finances than you do, whether she is helping your mother.

That the same exact question was on The Simple Dollar probably just speaks to how desperate this woman is feeling. She probably emailed everybody she could in hopes that somebody would answer.

Take care of your own mental health. You’ll never be able to handle all of this if you are feeling depressed and overwhelmed.

Take care of your physical health. It is worth it to get fillings in baby teeth because the decay can reach down to the permanent teeth and cause more problems. Make sure the boy is brushing his teeth twice per day!

Vacation is not a priority. Time with your child is a priority. Take the time you would take for vacation and do something cheap. Go camping. Be a tourist in your own city.

You must track your expenses. If $8k is missing from your yearly budget, then you have a big leak in your budget. You can either dissect your bank statements, and future receipts, or try a cash envelope system. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cash+envelope+system

Put yourself and your son first. Your boyfriend is second…and I tend to agree with the previous advice that perhaps now is not the time for you to be getting into another relationship. It’s time to stand on your own. (The therapy might help with these kinds of issues, too…)

Forget the personal trainer and quit your second job. Find a few families to start your own dog walking service a few days a week. Take your son along with you and spend some quality time with him. He’ll be out of the house before you know it. Savor every minute until then. You have the rest of your life to work.

There’s a lot of good advice on here, so I won’t repeat it, but one additional thought I had is that you should check with your local public health dept to see if they have a dental clinic and if they can help you. Our town’s health dept has one specifically for children. It is important to care for your son’s teeth, even the baby ones.

I agree with so much of what other have said above.
I’d like to add, cutting the cable TV could save you a bundle, and could be a wonderful change for your son as well as for you. You could help your son learn to deal with his “down time” in healthy ways: reading (library books!); being creative; interacting with you, grandparents, others; spending unstructured time outdoors; cooking; …and the list goes on and on. You’d be giving yourself this gift as well. Also, eliminating TV from your life, or at least reducing the time you spend with it, will get you and your son away from advertising which is designed to make us want things we shouldn’t have or can’t afford.

I also strongly agree with the other posters who recommended that you make the counseling and dental work a priority. Taking care of these things will help you get your finances and life on track and the dental work especially will save you a TON of money in the long run.

Some great advice here. I would focus on identifying one or a few things at a time that you can cut/tackle and your mental health. Instead of worrying about solving all of your problems, find a few to focus on. Once those are resolved, find a few others. Start with the small, or easy, ones. Then work your way. You have time.

With each expense – and each question (like the vacation, for example) – as yourself “do we NEED this” “is there a better way” and “is there a cheaper alternative.” I think those questions often find some wiggle room.

Best of luck and sorry for what you’re dealing with.

* Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?

Maybe. By giving her a monthly stipend, you have, to a certain extent, made her expenses your expenses. If she needs some help to eat or to keep in modest housing, by all means. help out. If she’s being frivolous (probably not too likely at the income you quote,) then you have no responsibility to fund that. I’m not making accusations here, just pointing out the obvious. As for the cell phone, if she already has a home phone then she likely doesn’t really need a cell phone. (It’s hard to realize they didn’t even exist for the general population 10 years ago.) If she has no home phone or you feel she needs a cell phone for emergencies, then a prepaid cell phone can be had for around $10-$15 per month. (T-Mobile at least used to have a pay $100 for a year of service and 300 minutes plan.) Finally, if possible, your sister should be sharing this expense with you (she may already do this.) The cost of caring for your mother should not fall on you alone.

* Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?

Find a way to take an inexpensive vacation. Working two jobs, the time off will probably be good for you as well as him. My go-to choice for this is to go camping, and if he’s in scouts, then this is likely something he would enjoy. A camping trip will likely cost $200 or so for 2-3 days, mostly on food, but can be a lot less than other choices. Borrow any equipment you don’t already have from someone in his scout troop. Another good choice can be a driving vacation where you stay with relatives in another part of the country. The expense here is higher, but avoiding air-fare and hotels can save a lot of money. The time off required may be a bigger problem than the cost of the vacation itself.

Depending on your son’s age, a way to make this more fun can be to have HIM plan the vacation. Give him a budget (slightly less than you actually have to spend on the trip) and a date and let him figure out what to do. My father and I did this once, and it was a lot of fun. It was also probably the worst sunburn I’ve ever had when I forgot to pack sunscreen and we hiked Guadalupe Peak in the middle of summer… ouch! You’ll need to help him identify costs he may have missed (food on the road, gas, etc.) and help him estimate those so that he can stay under budget.

* Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?

I deleted a detailed discussion of therapy here and will simply give some generic advice. Wisely spending money on your health is a good investment. Talk about costs and alternatives with your health care provider. Fewer (or shorter?) therapy sessions or different choices of medications can get you nearly identical results with significantly lower cost. Doctors usually aren’t used to this level of shopping and may resist, but force the issue. Get them to at least discuss alternatives and why they recommended the choices they did. “It’s what I usually prescribe” is NOT an answer here, the key is “why?” They should be able to do this at a level you can understand. Ultimately you and your health care provider may decide to follow their initial recommendations or you may decide to make some changes to their initially recommended treatment in order to reduce costs.

Specifically for therapy, your provider should at least agree that some therapy is better than no therapy, and show it by not brow-beating you about not coming as often as they would like every time you do come. This doesn’t mean they can’t occasionally recommend more sessions, but they should respect your choice to set a rate you feel you can afford that is getting you sufficient results. In our culture it’s easy to forget that as the “patient” we are really the CUSTOMER in health care.

* Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?

NO. Get a workout buddy. Find someone else you know with similar workout goals and agree to work out together. Schedule a regular time to meet. If they don’t want to go, MAKE THEM. Have them agree to do the same to you. This costs nothing and can be just as effective as a personal trainer.

* I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?

Yes. If there isn’t something good on broadcast TV, do something else. Most people spend more that $40 per month on cable TV. That’s nearly enough to get Netflix, pay for low-end DSL broadband internet, and go out to eat once a month. Cable TV is really a very poor entertainment value even when you can afford it. What would you do with an extra $30-$40 or more per month?

I also can’t resist mentioning that the local library is FREE.

* I don’t want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?

This is tough to evaluate. If you need financial help to live in the short term, take it. However, if you’re close to being on your feet, my suggestion is to only accept help for 1-time expenses, preferably luxuries. The thing about help is the goal is to not need it, even when you do choose to accept it. If you already don’t need it (say, taking a trip together, where the alternative is simply not to go) then let him pay, if he volunteers. If there is no alternative, then don’t accept the help. The idea here is that the only way to achieve long-term independence is to know how to live on what YOU make.

I had a friend when I was just out of college with significantly more money than my wife and I had. When he wanted to do something expensive like going out to eat, I would usually suggest something less expensive, like getting together and cooking at home. Sometimes he would agree to my suggestion. Sometimes he would stick to what he wanted, and I would choose whether to go or respectfully decline (more often declining than accepting the invitation.) Occasionally, he would respond with “I really want to go, I’m paying.” I didn’t feel guilty at all accepting this. This was him choosing what he wanted to do and accepting all of the expenses involved. This was NOT him giving me a handout, as I could just as easily have simply declined the invitation.

You sound like you’re almost there but feeling overwhelmed. Calm down. You can do this. The hardest part (and when you know you’re really there) is getting to where even the unexpected expenses are under control and don’t feel overwhelming. Don’t be too upset that you’re not there yet, but work to get that emergency fund funded again, as it sounds like it did its job.

First priority: get the treatment you need for your mental health issues. That will make everything else easier to sustain. Call around and see if you can get seen at a University Hospital clinic or get some help with the costs.
Second: take care of your life with your son. That may not mean doing expensive things (like expensive vacations)– you may be able to do something like local camping or even hiking/park visiting as a vacation with such an active son. Find out what free things are available to you. I know from personal experience that telling your kid that this year, we need to tighten our belts so next year we can do more is ok, if you follow through on it.
Third: pay off your debts so you can get down to one job. Working two jobs takes a lot out of anyone, let alone a parent.

Set reasonable limits on what help you will accept from your boyfriend, but don’t be ashamed to let him help out if he makes more than you– or let him take you out on the town occasionally if he can afford it.

You could try unplugging the tv for a few weeks to see if you could live without cable. I know it’s hard to manage without the downtime that some minutes in front of the boob tube provides– but it also sucks time.

The first thing that jumped at me was the spending of $1K in a wedding. Shocking, considering your needs. That’s where the money went most recently. That’s the equivalent of 40 therapy sessions at the price you pay.

First thing is take care of the bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder can cause (among other things) out of control spending, so yes, everything is connected. Your therapy is very reasonably priced, $25 a session is great. Don’t waste that opportunity and stick to it.

You seem to be covered in the mental health area, but for people who can’t afford health insurance, community health centers are the way to get affordable therapy. Also in some cases, a place for dental health: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/on-health-and-money/2009/4/15/6-ways-to-get-affordable-mental-health-services.html

Second, maybe your kid can start earning his allowance with chores or a lemonade stand. Not sure about paper routes these days– less people read newspapers, and routes seem to require a car, but it might be worth checking out. Then again you already have 2 jobs might be too much.

I wouldn’t charge my mother money but that’s the way some people do things. I’d maybe share expenses with her instead? Not sure if you live in the same house but cooperation is always helpful. E.g., she could run your household while you’re out working, etc. Then again, this might be culturally unacceptable for some people who grew up in nuclear families, but extended families are better and stretching the money. If you don’t want to live with her: I’d rather “tithe” my money to my own parent rather than give it to some megachurch.

About the weight: you don’t need a personal trainer to lose weight. That’s a bad idea. All you need is to do cardio for 30 minutes to an hour a day, then 30 minutes 3 times a week for maintenance. Start slowly and skip a day and increase gently. Get some books from the library, find ways to vary your exercise (cross-training) so you don’t injure yourself, and you’re good to go. I’ve lost 40 lbs in recent months by cutting out starches and doing cardio & weights. I go to a local university gym (cheap membership), because I like the machines better than running, and I do a little bit of weights. But you can learn to lift weights from books. As a whole, I’m saving money by not ordering pizza or eating out anymore. I cook every meal (here’s where your mother could help) and I eat better than I used to (no salt, added fat, sugar, starches). If self-discipline is a problem, therapy is the place to address it.

I’m going to guess, because you are such a busy mom, that you eat a lot of fast food/ carry out/ delivery/ microwaveable food, and if I can continue with the wild guess, I’m going to say this is where a good chunk of your money is going, and where your extra weight is coming from. Get some free (library) books on health and nutrition, and cook your main meals on weekends so you can eat healthy throughout the week. And your mom could help, yes? You help her, she helps you, it goes both ways, everybody saves money and gets healthier.

Finally, the vacation can take a hike. If you’re prioritizing a vacation over your teeth and your kid’s teeth and your mental health, you’re doing it wrong, very very wrong. Same with the damn wedding. So the pattern seems to be that you are making big expenses on low priorities and neglecting small expenses on high priorities. You should be saving in a health savings account, not a vacation fund. Survival first, everything else second!

So yes, get to therapy, quick. And keep track of your expenses. Start with a notepad that you take with you everywhere. Write *everything* down, and prioritize.

There’s a lot to cover in your email and this came out very unorganized, but I hope you find some useful ideas…

Of the choices Kim put up, here is the order in which I would implement them, no joke. Basically, she was asking for confirmation on things she already knows. She has to take this list and then do them, she can re-prioritize in between steps, but she should probably do most of them.

1. Cut cable. Do it. It takes less effort than you know. You can fill the time with free books from the library, trust me. This is the easiest thing to do, so it comes first.

2. Go back to therapy. You will probably have to cut costs elsewhere in order to go.

3. Get a personal trainer. See this as therapy. How can you handle life without taking care of yourself? If you think the cost is extravagant, get a trainer to train you once a week and exercise at home with your son at least twice a week, since you no longer can depend on TV to entertain him or you.

4. Depending on the way money is landing after 3), decide on vacation/no vacation. Break your promise to your son if you cannot afford it. If you can afford to go on a smaller vacation with him, do it, but remember that your situation is tenuous. Do you want to end up in a homeless shelter with him? What do you think is more traumatic?

5. Pride is an interesting thing. I’ve met homeless people with numerous interesting ailments who refuse help of any kind. I’ve met recently college grads who receive aid from both parents and the government. You have to decide on what kind of help you’d be willing to accept, and then try to get it. For instance, if you want to get a different childcare option, but can’t afford it, you could ask friends to pitch in or look for free childcare options. If you’re running out of money for food, you can look into WIC and food stamps. The options are endless, you just have to decide on what you can handle emotionally.

6. Telling your mother no: in fact, you should be telling your entire family no with regards to spending on anyone besides you and your son. My wife was unemployed for two years and we struggled on my meager paycheck during that time. We could not afford to go on vacations, or spend large amounts of money on people’s weddings. Now that we can, its great! If we had given extravagantly when we couldn’t have afforded it, there is no way we could spend money on our friends and family now, we could have ended up homeless, bankrupt or worse. Just say no.

I haven’t read any other comments, so sorry if this overlaps anything.

Sounds like your needs and wants are completely overlapped and confused. You want to lose weight and get in shape, but you don’t NEED a personal trainer. Get a workout dvd from the library and start using it.
You don’t NEED cable tv, and you certainly don’t NEED to pay for your mom’s cell phone. You have teeth that need medical attention, it doesn’t matter what’s on tv.

You obviously love your son and want to give him everything. You can’t.

When I was young my parents didn’t have a lot either. I wanted to play hockey but they couldn’t afford equipment, so I played baseball. I don’t resent them for it and I somehow survived. Cut his activities back and take him to the park on the other days. He’ll survive.

And for the vacation – his definition isn’t the same as yours. Explain the situation to him, what your goals are and how you’re going to work together to meet them. Kids aren’t stupid – he’ll get more reward from helping his mom get their lives together than he will playing on a beach somewhere.

As someone else mentioned, I suggest Dave Ramsey. He has the most straight-forward, easy to understand, and aggressive plan of anyone I’ve read. If you have internet you can get a free podcast from him every day – it’s hugely motivating and has lots of good advice.

Best of luck getting in control.

I would probably start by cutting the television expense. The only reason I say this is because I did the same thing and never looked back. I’m a lot more productive than I was last year.

I think it’s great that you don’t want your boyfriend to pay for everything. It says a lot about who you are, and it’s probably why he offers.

Is it possible for you to consider a career change? Depending on where you are, you might be able to find a job that pays better, and you can quit the second job after you pay off your recurring debt and car loan. Once that’s accomplished, You could attend college (assuming you haven’t). Getting the degree will give you the boost you need to become more comfortable financially. Until then, it seems you might be at a salary block, and can’t progress.

One point on the less financial side of things: I really think that your mental health should be first priority, even if it means scrimping on things your son wants. That might sound terrible, but my mother has bipolar disorder, and when I was a child, I found it very difficult to understand or deal with.

Children are extremely perceptive about their parents’ moods and even if you’re putting on your best face for your son, as I’m sure you are, having a mother who is depressed or acting erratically is confusing and upsetting.

So don’t put therapy in the “being selfish and focusing on me” pile. Have you ever heard the saying that “Cancer doesn’t affect one organ, it affects your whole family”? There’s a lot of hope and effective treatment for bipolar disorder, but the same principle applies.

Of course, look for programs in your area that can give you free therapy.

Good luck!