This post is from staff writer April Dykman.
There have been a slew of great articles lately on why resolutions fail, and I agree wholeheartedly with them. I’ve never had much success with resolutions myself — they always fall by the wayside after a few months, and by summer I don’t even remember that I’d set resolutions in the first place.
Nevertheless, I set a lot of goals in 2010 that I reached. For example, last year I accomplished the following goals:
- Learned how to hang out in the pose pictured at right, which gave me a lot of confidence on and off the yoga mat
- Completed yoga teacher training
- Quit my job to freelance full-time
- Started learning to play piano (again, but with some dedication this time)
- Traveled to New York City at Christmastime
- Began to explore cooking French cuisine, starting with crème brulée
- Saved up a decent sum of money to start building our house
These weren’t New Year’s resolutions. They were goals I’d had for anywhere from six months (headstand) to 10 years (piano). I decided to achieve them and made small changes that would get me closer to reaching them, such as adding a 15-minute appointment to my calendar to practice piano. Sometimes I slacked off and ignored my small-step to-dos, but most of the time I stuck with it.
The difference was that in the past, slacking off a bit usually meant I’d drop the whole thing. If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all. That was my attitude, and it stopped me from getting back on the proverbial horse too many times to count.
All-or-nothing
If you have perfectionist tendencies, you probably identify with what I’ve described. The all-or-nothing mindset is one of five characteristics of perfectionists that contribute to underachievement, according to research published Gifted Child Today. (The other four are procrastination, fear of failure, paralyzed perfectionism, and workaholism.)
Sometimes perfectionism is cast in a positive light. After all, being the valedictorian, the Olympic gold medalist, or even the parent who bakes the best chocolate chip cookies feels pretty good. It impresses others, earns us pats on the back, and besides, does anyone even remember the name of the second runner up?
But I think perfectionism is harmful, and it sucks the fun out of life. The all-or-nothing mentality paralyzes you. I quit playing piano a few times because I slacked off on practice and didn’t want to go to my lesson unless I had made enough progress. But if I had started playing 10 years ago and kept going to my lessons every week, even when I didn’t think I’d practiced enough, imagine how much farther along I’d be right now. My teacher isn’t expecting perfection from me, and I’m not looking to become a concert pianist, so the only thing my all-or-nothing mentality has done is hold me back from something I enjoy.
The shades of gray
Seeing goals as all-or-nothing is like seeing the world in black and white. But most would agree that’s a limiting view. Is the silver medalist a failure because she didn’t win gold? Hardly! She’s still one of the top athletes in the world, and it’s a tremendous accomplishment. Even if she never wins gold, it was still worth the effort.
Another trait of the all-or-nothing mindset is a fixation on the goal. I will be X when I have accomplished Y. That’s one reason why perfectionism sucks the fun out of life. What about the moments in between X and Y? Instead of focusing on playing Moonlight Sonata without making a single mistake, why not enjoy the rainy afternoons when I play for longer than I had intended, simply because it’s fun? Or the times I’m struggling with a measure of music and have a breakthrough during my lesson?
Perfectionism and personal finance
It’s the time of year when most people think about goals of some sort (even if they resolve to reject resolutions). If one of your goals is to take control of your finances in 2011, watch out for the all-or-nothing attitude. It was part of the reason it took me so long to get a clear picture of how much I owed on my credit cards. Doing the math meant coming to terms with the fact that when it came to my finances, I was far from perfect. It was easier to pay extra on my cards and not look at the whole picture, like an ostrich with its head in the sand. (I just found out that an ostrich doesn’t bury its head in the sand when in danger, it flops to the ground and remains still — which is still an accurate description of how I was handling my finances.)
When I finally got a plan to become debt-free, so many times I wished the slate could be wiped clean — that I could just start over with my new, responsible habits. But of course that’s not how it works. I had to do it one payment at a time. Even then, I was so fixated on paying off every debt that I never congratulated myself along the way on how far I’d come. I couldn’t be satisfied during the moments in between, knowing that I’d made big changes and I was on the right track. I wasn’t going to be good until I was debt-free.
This year, I’m setting goals, but I’m going to loosen my grip even more on the all-or-nothing way of thinking. (I’ve also decided to stop calling myself a perfectionist. Instead, I’m a person working to overcome perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionism doesn’t define me.) No matter what goals you set, either as New Year’s resolutions or just because you’re ready for a change, don’t let the all-or-nothing mentality stop you in your tracks. And if you’re like me and struggle with that mindset, try to remember to enjoy the here and now. Being hard on yourself robs you of living in the present.
Finally, I’d like to end with a quote by Anaïs Nin that I read often because it’s particularly relevant for people who struggle with perfectionism: “You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right, too.”
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Cognitive behavior therapy (or RBT, REBT…) – anything by Ellis, Beck, Burns – is the best tool I know of to help anyone who struggles with the downside of perfectionism.
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So a little off topic, but still apropos – I haven’t trusted anything on Wikipedia once I found out that my 9 year old nephew was posting/updating information there.
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I have been a perfectionist in certain parts of my life for a long time and I am starting to see how much it can hinder progress on a lot of things. Sometimes you just have to do something from start to finish and move on the the next thing instead of just being stuck trying to perfect one thing.
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Thank you, this really speaks to me and my own actions. I very much have an all or nothing mindset and I also procrastinate. It’s simple, but you can’t make changes until you fully realize the facets of the problem. Very well written, thanks again.
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To be clear, I was not angered nor offended by J.D.s assertion that I was wrong, I was merely unconvinced by it.
Apparently myself and an anonymous writer on wikipedia are the only two people who share my take on perfectionism, which seems to be the same thing J.D. is calling ‘optimalism’.
I think part of what prompted my initial strong reaction to the article wasn’t just the (in my not-widely-shared opinion) misuse of the term ‘perfectionism’, but also because it seemed to be saying “I fail because I’m a perfectionist” which came across to me similarly to saying: “You know how Einstein did poorly in school because he was such a genius that he was bored by all his classes? Yeah, I’m like that.”
Which prompts me to think “Really? are you sure that’s the reason you’re failing? Are you sure you’re not just looking at your failure through rose-colored glasses to show yourself in the most positive light that still allows for failure? What other possible reasons did you consider before you came to this conclusion?
If you, like me (and apparently few others), were viewing perfectionism largely as a virtue instead of a shortcoming, then you can see why someone would prefer to blame their failures on that, because at least it makes them look virtuous in one aspect. If you think of ‘perfectionism’ as entirely negative, which is how I’ll assume it’s used on GRS from now on, then this doesn’t really apply.
I’m not sure I really have anything further to say on the topic.
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I agree, a lot of us think “success” means achieving everything perfectly, or reaching every goal. My goal this year as a fairly new real estate agent was a dollar mount. I didn’t quite hit my mark. But I’m still successful. Just being able to stay in this business 1) in the downturn of economy and 2) being new at it is a success to me! I worked hard and did well, just not quite as well as I’d like to have done, but hey, I’m still building my business. It takes time.
Happy 2011!
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@54 TK:
Rejoice that the negative side to perfectionism is not a problem you have ever experienced!
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Per April’s article:
“When I finally got a plan to become debt-free, so many times I wished the slate could be wiped clean — that I could just start over with my new, responsible habits.”
It seems to me that you did do that though – through your actions, the results just hadn’t caught up yet. That’s where I believe very strongly in having outcome goals sure, but really focusing on the process to get there on a daily / weekly / monthly / yearly basis. Nobody would say something like “I wish I could not be 100 pounds overweight and just weigh 120 and maintain that weight.”
Re. Tyler’s argument over the benefits of perfectionism, I’m with him as well, being a perfectionist in some ways is awesome.
http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2008/07/athletes-benefit-from-being.html
The Einstein info. is a myth though, he actually did very well in school.
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For those who can relate to this perfectionism, I have to say that I have totally been (and still am, to some extent) there. What really helped me was making a “failure list.” Basically, if I wanted to do something but I realized that I wasn’t doing primarily because I wasn’t sure it would turn out perfect, I put it on my “failure list” and I’d have to do it. I figured that maybe, if I failed at stuff enough times, I might eventually become OK with it. I have to say, it was really hard. But it has honestly helped me. I started a second income project to fund my Roth IRA and it’s gone well – I was too scared to write anything forever because I didn’t know if I would make it. So sometimes, just getting out there and doing it really does do the trick.
I will also say this: one of the most freeing experiences I ever had was a few months ago, when I moved to a new city and a few students in my program organized a fun run. I wasn’t completely sure I could run the distance, but once I realized that I didn’t sign up because I was scared I’d poop out, I forced myself to put my name down. Guess what? I did poop out. I…made the group stop. (I’m blushing writing this now. I’m still embarrassed.) But here’s the powerful thing I learned: the group stopped. They were nice. They did not point and laugh. We had a nice conversation for the last mile back. I stopped the group. I publicly failed. I was publicly worse at something than other people. And, to my surprise, the sky didn’t fall.
Baby steps.
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I have to say I’m with Ethan…I had to come to the understanding that I was avoiding things because I didn’t think I would do them ‘well enough’ rather than not being able to do them at all. Accepting failure as a possibility has been so freeing…April…I love your post and I thank you for sharing it. P.S. I can’t believe you can do that hand-stand thingy! That is so cool!
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Once I lived life long enough
I started to appreciate how unpredictable it was. Some of my success came from dumb luck (right place, right time). Some great things I achieved didn’t make much of a difference, again due to random circumstances. Being a perfectionist was agony.
Once I gained significant experience investing in the stock market (and in real estate) I came to appreciate how many random things there are in life. Trying to, perfectly, plan out how everything will go in life just started to seem too silly based upon life experiences.
So my suggestions for anyone who is not making the progress they desire:
1. Set goals – I set them with a range of objectives (I use a goal and then a stretch goal). Out of about 10 goals I set each year, about a third are carry-overs from the previous year. It is OK not to hit them all – in fact I don’t expect to hit them all – and I’m always surprised by which ones I achieve and which ones I don’t.
2. On a smaller scale, I have to-do lists each day that align with my yearly goals. I don’t expect to get them all done, but I know if I have a list I’ll get more done (towards my goals) than if I don’t have a list.
3. Set goals that are meaningful. Money and titles never motivated me (and that bothered me). When I set those kind of goals, they were always hollow and even when I achieved them, it never felt quite right. Instead, I liked to fix things (organizations, project, software, etc.) that were not working. I liked being healthy. I liked being knowledgeable in my field. I liked being financially independent.
I figured these kind of things out by regularly asking myself a few questions: 1) What do I really want to do right now (this moment), and 2) What do I enthusiastically spend time on each day. These helped set natural goals for me, things I was inclined towards. I had to learn to ignore all the other noise (seek money, promotions, possessions, rewards, recognition, etc.) and pay attention to my inner motivation.
I also didn’t have to do it perfectly (though it can still bother me a lot). Life became fun again when I focused in this way.
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Wow the comments are probably more exciting than the post and I thought the post was great!
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JD, your explanation in comment 45 was excellent and I’d love to hear more (either here or your personal blog) about how you’ve dealt with this trait since I exhibit it also. I’m going to put Ben-Shahar’s book on my to read list.
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Great post! I definitely identify with perfectionist tendencies.
This year I have set a few simple daily goals as my resolutions. I’m practicing yoga for at least 15 minutes a day (it’s short, but manageable and often I end up going longer anyway), flossing my teeth, and not drinking soda. It’s been really helpful so far to take these resolutions one day at a time. It’s not about achieving absolute perfection in any of them (although that would be nice), it’s about doing things that contribute to my health and that I enjoy. I think it’s very manageable to just approach each day by itself, and soon I’ll find that a month has passed where I’ve done yoga every day!
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I regularly fall into the “if I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all” logical flaw, the all-or-nothing trap. My usual method is to let the frustration build for a while and then erupt with a list of new demands I set for myself…all of which I fail to live up to 100%, and so the cycle begins again. This is a great post, and I hope it helps me realign my expectations of myself. Thanks!
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When I was about 10 my perfectionist tendencies were becoming clearer to my parents. My creative stepfather came up with a plan to pay me for what he called good failures. Good failures were ones in which I’d really wanted and tried hard for the goal, yet failed. I must say the $ took some of the sting away from the failures, but the fact that he supported my taking risks and then supported me when I failed, truly helped me move away from an all-or-nothing mindset.
I enjoyed your post and appreciated your honesty about your perfectionistic tendencies. I’ve been thinking about how to wean my kids away from these tendencies and thus began to think more about my stepfather’s plan with me. I just wrote a longer piece on what he did with me last month on my blog.
This is such a life long pursuit, like staying on top of one’s finances! I too find a yoga mindset is helpful with all these issues. Thanks for your post!
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perfection or nothing
its so true—i wanted to clear serious debt in 3 years.
as ive never been out of debt for 25 years my 3 year plan to clear debt quickly was too perfectionist and i was getting depressed falling behind,and was going to give up.
ive looked at the bigger picture—im lowering my debt monthly–not increasing and in a 5 year term i will be debt free for first time in my life.
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