Yesterday, I made a passing reference to The Laundry Agreement. A couple of eagle-eyed readers noticed a further reference in the screenshot I posted to illustrate the article. Kevin and Samantha both searched for answers at GRS, but couldn’t find them. I guess that means I’ve never mentioned the Laundry Agreement before.
The Laundry Agreement is a unique arrangement that Kris and I have used for fifteen years to play to our individual strengths in our marriage: I pay Kris to do my laundry.

The Laundry Agreement. What could it possibly mean?
To remind new readers, Kris and I keep separate finances, and always have. (As a result, we’ve never had a fight about money.) Some people hate separate finances, and that’s fine, but this system works for us. It keeps our marriage strong.
We’ve also hired a housekeeper to come in for a few hours every two weeks. Some people are shocked by this, but those who know me understand why this is a smart choice. I am by nature a slob. Despite my best intentions, I leave a mess wherever I go. (When I was a boy, my father called me Pig-Pen, and he called my closet “the rat’s nest”.) The housekeeper — which we cut when I was digging out of debt — is a small price to pay for marital harmony.
No surprise then that I’m not very good with laundry. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t wash my clothes until I’d worn everything I owned at least once. How do I know? Because that’s how I used to operate. I had mounds of dirty clothes in the laundry baskets, but nothing clean in my closets and drawers. Once every month or two, I’d spend an entire day doing massive loads of laundry. I hated it. So did Kris.
Sometimes, I’d start a load or two — and then forget about them. When Kris went to do her own laundry several days later, she’d discover my damp and mildewed clothes still in the washer.
Enough was enough.
Eventually, she came to me with a proposal. “J.D.,” she said, “I’ll do your laundry, but on one condition.”
“What’s that?” I asked, fearing it would be something dreadful. Like cleaning the bathtub every week. Or mopping the floors. Or eating broccoli.
“In exchange, you have to put gas in my car whenever it’s empty,” Kris said.
I tried to stifle a laugh. “No problem!” I said.
“And you have to pay for that gas,” Kris said.
“Ah,” I said. I thought about it. Kris was offering to do my laundry every week (but no ironing) if I would always make sure her gas tank was full, a chore that needed to be done only once a month (because Kris has never driven very much), a chore I didn’t mind in the least. At that time — in 1995 or 1996 — my cost would be about $15 per month. That seemed plenty fair.
“I’ll do it,” I said, and for the past fifteen years, we’ve maintained this arrangement. Kris does my laundry, and I put fuel in her car. It works out well for me, and it works out well for her. Kris says she kind of likes doing the laundry — and emptying the dishwasher.
Goofy? Perhaps. But aren’t all relationships? Surely you and your partner have some kind of strange financial arrangements unique to your situation. I find it hard to believe that Kris and I are the only ones who do this sort of thing. Fess up!
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ROFL! I love it!
Back when DH was feeling more cash poor, I would get him to do any customer service wrangling (fixing mistakes, finding new providers etc.) by telling him he could keep half of any money he gained and add it to his allowance. These days his allowance is too high and his time too precious to be so easily swayed. But it was great while it lasted.
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My SO will clean up all the dog poop, put air in the car tires, gas it up, take care of all the plumbing problems, rake leaves, go up on the roof to service the furnace/AC combo, etc etc etc all in exchange for never having to wash a dish, wash clothes, vacuum, make a bed, etc. That’s my area because I don’t mind doing it. Works for us. We put all income into one checking account btw and do not separate our finances.
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Ha! What a great agreement. I would have never thought of this, but it seems to work well for you both!
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I do all the bathroom cleaning and DH does almost everything to do with the car. If he cleaned the bathroom, it would never get clean and I’d be disgusted. I hate car things. So he gets the gas 95% of the time, always checks the tires and oil for me, calls the mechanic and drives when we’re together.
I can’t see us exchanging money for something, but you never know. We do have separate money as well.
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I have heard that Oregon does not have self-service gas stations. Is that true? If so, your end of this agreement is pretty sweetly reduced to going for a drive.
Am I on track here?
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Whatever works for you. I have to say though I find the fact that you keep (or maybe kept, before this arrangement) your laundry separate stranger than keeping your money separate! My husband I have separate accounts, except for a joint savings, because we’d been operating that way for years that we lived together before we got married and saw no need to change just because we had rings. However, as soon as I moved in way back when, we shared a hamper!
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If only one person in our marriage was a motivated laundry-doer… we both wear everything we have until we’re out of clothes! This is compounded by our lack of in-unit laundry appliances.
What an elegant solution. Kris IS always right!
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My husband works from home and freelances, so his schedule is a lot freer than mine. He does all laundry, handles customer service stuff, mails packages, and does other errands – it gets him out of the house. He also manages the money. I’m far better at making money than managing it
.
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Hey, I love broccoli!
My DH cooks and I do the majority of the cleaning. I like it cleaner than he and he likes cooking more than me, so it works out ok. He also deals with car maintainance, mostly oil changes.
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A while ago I noticed I swear a lot more than I want to. I made a deal with my boyfriend that he could fine me $2 every time I swore. I’m on a get out of debt plan, and I had to take the $2 out of my allowance/fun money. It was so effective that I ended up only needing to do it for a few weeks. Totally goofy and bizarre, but fun and really worked.
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We trade off big purchases. If my husband wants to buy something like a gaming console, then I get to choose the next big (over $200 purchase). It works out well!
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Fortunately, the things that I hate to do my husband doesn’t mind doing, and vice-versa. Though having my car always full would be nice… We have completely joint finances, so paying him to do anything (or receiving payment) would be fairly useless.
I think it’s a hilariously great deal you have going! Sure, the cost for you has doubled (in 15 years!) but I suspect it’s still worth $30 to you as much as it used to be worth $15.
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I like the arrangement! What ever works right?
She does dishes and laundry.
I drive and do the kitty litter.
We split cooking. Life is good.
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@4 Noel, a final answer would have to come from an Oregoner, but I had heard that Oregon finally switched to self-serve a few years ago, leaving my childhood home of NJ as the last remaining state without self-serve.
Since I’m unemployed and my wife only works until 11, one of my duties as house-husband is to have lunch ready when she gets home. For income, I donate plasma two mornings per week. Our arrangement is that if I’m not going to be home in time to make her lunch, I have to bring it home with me, from my income.
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I hate tracking money. I simply can’t be bothered. My husband likes it. So he tracks the money, handles the budget, etc. However, getting the taxes done stresses him out completely so I take care of that- it’s a once a year thing and it’s not hard.
One thing that bothers him (and some members of our families) is that I insist on keeping my own credit card and personal banking accounts. He gives me grocery money and an allowance- this happened after I blew $400 on hobby stuff and I don’t remember how much else on groceries. I suggested that it would be easier to keep to a budget if I had control of the money for those things. I have an added incentive for budgeting groceries- any $ left over I keep
. My credit card gives me a little bit of cash back- which I keep. If something ever happens and I can’t get to the money in the joint account, I’ll be able to grab some cash from my personal accounts.
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I cook, she cleans the kitchen, but there’s no cash involved– we pool all our money.
Question about keeping separate finances: what happens if one of you starts making a lot more money and the other loses their job? One joins a country club and the other applies for food stamps? There’s got to be a limit to the separation, I imagine.
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Ha! Schmei (#7) gets 1,000 bonus points for making reference to my long-time mantra, “Kris Gates is always right.” Readers of my personal blog know that I say this every time I do something dumb that she warns me against — which is often.
RE: Self-serve in Oregon. It doesn’t exist, and never has in my lifetime. You’re not allowed to pump your own gas (except at a handful of commercial fueling stations).
@El Nerdo (#16)
I don’t think any “separate finances” is ever completely separate, just as no “joint finances” is every completely joint. So, you’re right: There’s a limit to the separation. Each couple has to find a balance that works for that particular relationship.
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Although our marriage is still young, my husband and I have found a perfect “chore” agreement. The rule is “I cook, you clean.”
Neither one of us gets money for the work, but the rewards are intrinsic. My husband gets a good home-cooked meal, and I don’t get discouraged from cooking because I have to do dishes.
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I belong to a what seems to be a shrinking minority of men who feel like it’s our responsibility to provide for our families. I pay for everything. My wife has a part time job, but all the income from that is her discretionary income, since I pay all the bills. We have separate accounts, but not really separate finances. I pay for all the bills and all the big things, I manage investments and retirement savings. She uses her account for whatever she needs personally, clothes, gas for her car, sometimes she’ll buy groceries with it, or stuff for the kitchen.
Also, I broke my leg on Thursday, and you really gain an extra level of appreciation for a loving spouse when you become unable to do simple things like put on pants or get into the shower by yourself. My wife has been taking excellent care of me and I’m so thankful I have her.
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We keep our finances separate and have the bills separated as to who is responsible for paying them as well. The satellite bill is mine, although my husband watches far more TV than I do. A couple of years ago, I wanted to downgrade our package to save some money. He was losing two channels he would miss, so I split the difference with him – we would save $20 a month by going to the smaller package, but he could order $10 worth of PPV every month to make up for the lost channels.
So basically, I pay him in movies to have a smaller satellite package.
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We hired someone to do the lawn. Neither of us likes doing it, especially when it is 100+ degrees outside. I suffer from seasonal allergies (which yardwork makes far worse) and my husband would just cut the grass, not weed-eat, not edge – in other words it looks worse than it did. So we hired a yard worker. It’s been great for our marriage – money very well spent. The yard looks great and we can spend the time healthy (in my case) and doing things we’re better at (his case).
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I like your arrangement – it clearly works for you, and that’s what matters.
My husband and I have had joint finances since before we were married, so paying each other doesn’t make sense. We have settled into routines for housework based on what we prefer to do – he loves to cook and is good at “deep” cleaning (the move-everything-to-clean-behind-and-under-it kind), while I’m better at routine/daily tasks like dishes, laundry, picking up after everyone. These are not hard and fast roles – sometimes I cook, sometimes he does dishes or laundry – but they play to our strengths and prevent resentment. When I start to get annoyed that I’m picking his socks up off the floor for the 17th day in a row, I remember how he spent 2 hours scrubbing the bathroom and consider it a fair trade
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My partner won’t cut back his work hours, which are excessive, and it was just not possible for us to function as a family when our total work hours was consistently more than 100/week.
So, I cut back to part time and he funds my Roth to make up the difference in retirement savings.
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This solution would make an economist grin. Talk about efficiency! Great problem solving. You have a good partner in Kris, it seems. (We’re a content joint finances household here…)
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Every year my sweetie and I compare our gross incomes and divide the next year’s rent proportionally. Last year I paid $645 monthly and she paid $550.
When we moved in together, she ended up with a much longer commute and a bridge toll. So she uses an electronic toll tag that debits my Visa account.
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So funny that this post is today! Just last night me and my boyfriend (we live together) were trying to come up with a fair way for me to do his laundry because, like many people who posted, he absolutely hates it and I don’t mind so much. I think we have decided, after reading all the suggestions, that anytime we go anywhere in town, he will drive. Technically that is money-related, which we didn’t really want because we are both still students, but I guess we’ll see how it works! Thanks for such a relevant post today!!
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You poor guy, JD. The Honeybee actually pays me NOT to do the laundry.
All the best,
Len
Len Penzo dot Com
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I love this! DBF and I are another separate finance couple. We don’t have any agreements quite like this, but our bill arrangement has raised a few eyebrows of more traditional folks over the years. I pay the vast majority of the bills throughout the month and do the grocery shopping. All household expenses get split 50/50, so I put half of each expense in a spreadsheet and then send it to him at the end of the month. He writes a check for the total. We developed this system when we lived together during our last year of college and its worked for us for about 11 years now. Like JD and Kris, we have never had a single fight about money in the 14+ years we’ve been together.
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My husband and I joined our finances years before we got married, and that was 10 years ago. For about 8 years, only one of us had a good full-time job, while the other freelanced or went to school, and that switched back and forth several times. We’ve finally settled down into a situation where he’s making far more money than I ever could, in a job he’s happy with, so while I still work occasionally, my primary contribution is to take care of everything else in life. Since that leaves only one person to take care of all the household chores, and since I’m not great at staying on top of them, that means hiring out a lot of the grunt work (we have a housekeeper and a lawn service), but it works for us. I never would have thought that “laundry” would be high on my list of priorities, but I’ve found I really enjoy this lifestyle.
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That is exactly the agreement we have as well! Works great doesn’t it?
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J.D. Roth says:
@El Nerdo (#16)
I don’t think any “separate finances” is ever completely separate, just as no “joint finances” is every completely joint. So, you’re right: There’s a limit to the separation. Each couple has to find a balance that works for that particular relationship.
–
I wonder if there are societies where the spouses belong to different social classes though. I think it would be impossible though I can imagine a few scenarios. In Chinua Achebe’s “Things Fall Apart” the protagonist has three wives, and there’s a hierarchy.
Egalitarian societies require that the social class of the marriage be achieved collectively though.
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Rosa says:
08 January 2011 at 9:58 am
My partner won’t cut back his work hours, which are excessive, and it was just not possible for us to function as a family when our total work hours was consistently more than 100/week.
So, I cut back to part time and he funds my Roth to make up the difference in retirement savings.
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Rosa, that is a great idea, but is there a problem if you need those funds before retirement age? Is the Roth more flexible than other plans and if so how?
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skydivingchic says:
08 January 2011 at 11:23 am
I love this! DBF and I are another separate finance couple. We don’t have any agreements quite like this, but our bill arrangement has raised a few eyebrows of more traditional folks over the years. I pay the vast majority of the bills throughout the month and do the grocery shopping. All household expenses get split 50/50, so I put half of each expense in a spreadsheet and then send it to him at the end of the month. He writes a check for the total. We developed this system when we lived together during our last year of college and its worked for us for about 11 years now. Like JD and Kris, we have never had a single fight about money in the 14+ years we’ve been together.
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That is very organized, like subcontracting, but as a subcontractor myself (in business, not in the household), do you ever get complaints that you are charging too much? Or do you budget in advance and stick to the plan? If you budget together, it’s not really separate finances, you are bound by your common decisions. You’re just specializing your funcions but you are a part of a collective. I guess I’m curious about what percentual variance in income can your arrangement afford. “Hey honey, prices doubled this month”– what would happen?
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The reason I share finances with my spouse is that it allows us to have total commitment to our common survival and prosperity. We don’t “grow apart”. Not sure if that’s a good thing, ha ha ha, but that’s how we roll.
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We keep separate finances in my household too.
When my wife didn’t work (as she was a SAHM – Stay At Home Mom), we would split the tax refund money that we got back.
Now she work 8 to 10 extremely flexible hours a week as a small business accountant/bookkeeper so she has her own money.
I pay all expenses except for when my wife goes out to eat, when she goes out to eat with friends, and for certain kid sports/activities.
So far, it has worked out very well for us…
As for house chores, if it’s out side (or the garage or basement) it’s my responsibility, if inside, it’s hers…
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Ours isn’t financial but we have our own laundry agreement. Early in our marriage it drove me nuts that my husband woulds spend hours and hours watching football and not getting anything else done while I cleaned and shopped and did all the weekend household chores (we were both working full time then). We finally came to an agreement that he could watch as much football as he wanted as long as he was doing laundry. For nearly 15 years I’ve had clean clothes, clean sheets, clean curtains, clean everything…. during football season:) – Now he’s so used to it though that he keeps it up the rest of the year too!
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What a fun idea for a post. I’ve quite enjoyed these comments.
I don’t like how much it costs to eat out, but he loves eating out. So he pays for eating out (except on his birthday or when I drag him to someplace he doesn’t much like) and I pay for movies. Since we watch most movies on Netflix, I get off way cheaper, but it works for us.
Another compromise: we keep it as cold in the house as I can stand it all winter and as hot as he can stand it all summer.
We also have a deal sort of like
skydivingchic, only I charge him the same amount every month and update the amount once a year when my mortgage payment gets updated. At that time I also look at the actual cost of utilities over the past year. This way everything gets paid ON TIME. And my budget has enough wiggle room that I can handle paying extra for a while until the next change, or I could just change the amount more than once a year.
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Gosh! I couldn’t see DH and myself bargaining in any of these ways…we just sort of fell into a routine based on which we prefer/excel and we will work together on bigger chores, i.e. garage, basement, or car cleaning (he does outside of the car while I do the inside).
As for finances, he works full-time and I make sure the bills are paid on time and the funds are funded. I also do most of the cleaning, errands, calls, Dr.’s appts and kid/school-related stuff (unless it’s sports-related, then he usually goes).
Sometimes we’ll flip a coin or do rock-paper-scissors! LOL
Oh, and Len, #27 — You are a laundry saboteur! (Is that a word?) My DH did that, too!
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My husband and I keep separate finances, because although we’re both pretty good with money we have very different approaches to how to track it and use it. I pay the rent and buy the big items (white goods, furniture, vacations) because my income is higher and because he does most of the work of running our household. We take turns paying for groceries. When other bills come in, I offer to pay and he sometimes takes me up on the offer — it’s his call. If one of us is feeling financially tight, we usually fess up to the other and come up with a plan to either cut expenses or share them in a different way until we reach equilibrium again.
When we first shared a flat, he wanted to do all the cooking and cleaning (it was his flat) and I was happy to let him. But I claimed back laundry duties, partly so that I could contribute something to the maintenance of our household and partly because I was afraid I’d forget how to look after myself. But he still does 95% of the cooking and cleaning, and is a much better cook than I am.
Tyler (#19), sorry to hear about your leg! I hope it heals fully and fast.
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We negotiated housekeeping service. I wanted to go back to school while working full time. I require the house kept to a certain baseline of clean, if it gets past a certain point then I have to stop what I’m doing and clean. While he objected strongly to the cost of a housekeeper, he also could not do thorough cleaning tasks regularly.
While I’m in school now, we have a housekeeper come in every two weeks and clean the bathrooms and the kitchen. Everything else he can keep up with and I can fill in as needed.
I wish I could say this was negotiated easily, but in fact it was closer to World War III. I really had to put my foot down.
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I love this! It shows that there is not one size fits all in marriage but you have to find a what works for you.
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Here’s another family with what are essentially separate finances. We were a bit older when we married, both had already established accounts and ways of doing things, and had similar incomes.
There’s a general understanding to how we split the expenses, but it’s not hard and fast – If one of us is short cash then the other will pick up the slack. We have no debt other than our mortgage (with fewer than 10 years left).
The reason this works (I think) is because both of us are pretty good about controlling our expenses, and our income leaves us with plenty of room for some flexibility while we still fully fund our retirement, college account for our daughter and pay off our mortgage.
The situation would be completely different if our cash flow were tight, I’m sure.
My mom thinks we’re nuts to not have our expenses and investments together, but it’s worked for us for 10+ years so why mess with a good thing!
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First: Tyler K.: Sorry about the leg. That sucks!
Second: This reminded me I need to go put the laundry in the dryer or my wife will be very angry…
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I love hearing about everybody’s arrangements! And J.D., it always makes me happy when you talk about how separate finances work for you and Kris.
In our house, I’m the constant declutterer/organizer and the one who cleans out the basement every couple years. My boyfriend tends to take care of the stuff that requires lots of strength and the really crappy jobs that come up every once in a while–like evicting mice from our garage.
BTW, I do my boyfriend’s laundry even though he *doesn’t* want me to. (I think it reminds him of his mom waiting on him hand and foot.) But if I don’t do it, it piles up for months, keeps me from using the hamper, and stinks up the house. The only payment I require is that he not bitch at me for doing it.
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Our laundry arrangement is like Sarah’s. I don’t climb all over Hubby’s case about being a bloc in front of the TV on the weekends as long as he is folding the laundry. (Although now that he watches a lot of shows online, we ar ahving a bit of an issue). We pretty much share the laundry over the long term, but he does fold more.
Financially, our accoutns are legally joint for the most part but we treat them as separate becasue he is prone to not paying attention and letting credit card balances build. We have also eveolved (18 years) from me being the primary bread winner to him going back to school full time and he now makes a little more than me.
But we are constantly negotiating since the kids keep hitting different stage and the past couple of years he has started traveling for work frequently.
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Hee! My parents have worked out an arrangement recently that really cracks me up. Dad hates mowing the lawn because it aggravates his allergies, so Mom traded him lawn-mowing for vacuum-cleaning. She thinks it’s awesome because he vacuums all year, and even moves the furniture to vacuum behind it (which she freely admits, at least to me, that she didn’t do all that often). All she has to do is get a bit of extra exercise in the summer. For his part, I think Dad is so pleased about not having to suffer the allergies that he’s quite content to uphold his end of the bargain. Let’s hear it for creative problem-solving!
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This is not my arrangement but I saw it on another blog and thought it was brilliant. One spouse likes to squeeze the toothpaste tube neatly from the bottom, the other likes to smoosh from the middle. Instead of fighting, they each have their own tube. Genius!
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Alright here you go for odd financial situations. I am a single parent of one soon-to-be 17 yo boy. We moved in with my parents when he was 5. Nine years ago my Grandma also moved in with us. (She is no longer capable of taking care of herself). In the last 12 years I have never paid rent and I only buy groceries when there is something specific that I want, but whatever I buy is shared with everyone. My Parents pick up many of the expenses of my kid (shoes, clothes, extras like sports). For several years we took turns claiming him on our tax returns. For a couple of years I was working under the table and they claimed him. The last 5 years it was most beneficial for me to claim him. So when I get my tax return (always more than $3000), I write my parents a check for $1000, I write him a check for $1000 and I keep the balance.
Other ways that our shared living works is that I help with Grandma. Anyone who has cared for the elderly knows that you need a break from time to time. I provide my parents with that break. Also she takes a lot of energy when we go out into public, I take responsibility for her and allow my parents to just enjoy the activity.
Wacky, perhaps but it works for us.
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So… You keep your laundry separate? I find that more odd than the laundry agreement itself.
In our house we throw it all in one basket and take turns (more or less, we don’t keep track) on washing it.
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@chamiswillow #44
I live with 4 other people and I have my own tube of toothpaste for exactly the same reason. I have the smallest touch of OCD and it upsets me horribly to find the smooshed tube in the morning.
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My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years. When I moved in I set up a joint account that we both put money into for joint expenses. I took our highest cost month of the year and set that as the minimum and we both put in $100 on top for groceries. In the summer we save up the extra for higher winter utility bills and the extra left over from groceries funds our date-night day’s out and road trips. I do all the grocery shopping because he HATES shopping and I’m better at finding bargains because I compare prices and watch for sales. If he walks into a grocery store without a list he’ll most likely walk out with just a donut and maybe some chips and salsa.
We’re also expanding the house account for more of our future expense. We sat down this year and decided on some savings goals and how much more to put in for them. We’re also probably going to get a savings account going soon to so we don’t accidentaly spend goal money on date-night.
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We have separate finances, but we’ve always been very relaxed about keeping track — more of a “from each according to his ability” mentality, everything gets paid for and we don’t keep track of that or of who is providing what services, we just do what we want (e.g. since I care more about being “in control” of my food and laundry, I do all of that, since he cares more about cleanliness, he does more cleaning…).
I’ve noticed over time that has been easy not to argue about money or who is doing what because we have enough money and the house has more than enough space (we’ve got two bathrooms and two people, so we’re each responsible for the one where we each keep our toothbrush and towels…) to accommodate our separate needs and idiosyncrasies.
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My Wife and I tend to have an agreement where both of us never have to do things we really hate. I really hate doing laundry and ironing clothes. She really hates doing dishes and our finances. My parents theory was whoever is “better” at something does that. Unfortunately it became clear many years later that my dad used this as a disincentive to ever becoming competent at anything. So, my wife and I decided to try our own methods. If you combine assets you can’t do the “laundry agreement” effectively, sadly enough.
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