Ask the Readers: How Do I Motivate My Boyfriend to Save Money?
Published on - February 4th, 2011 (by J.D. Roth) Although we cover the topic once or twice a year, I constantly get questions from people who are frustrated by the financial habits of their spouses and partners. Some people are Spenders, and some people are Savers. What can you do to get both partners on the same page?
Linda is the most recent GRS reader with a relationship issue. She wrote to ask how to get her boyfriend motivated to save money. Here’s her story:
How do I get someone motivated about saving money and being more frugal? Is it even possible?
My fiance and I are pretty different when it comes to money. I’m the Saver, and he’s the Spender. I’m all about the future, and he’s more about the present. He changed a lot after we got together, and now that we’re saving for a wedding, he has definitely cut back on most of the big expenses.
But I get frustrated that although he speaks of saving money and of eventually buying a house, he’s always wanting to eat out, to get the latest gadgets (he’s switched cell phones three times in two years, and bought a MacBook and an iPad), and to go on vacation. He’s a poster child for the latte factor: He has a gold card from Starbucks, which shows how much he frequents it.
His last job had really good pay, but not his current one, so that may also contribute to the spending habit. (He’s used to what he used to spend and hasn’t made the adjustment.) I’m not sure if I’m just giving him a hard time, or if there’s just some thing I’m not doing right. Do you have any advice?
First, Linda needs to know that it is possible for a Spender to become a Saver. I was a Spender for decades, but my wife is a Saver. In fact, Kris could have written this e-mail twenty years ago. Now, though, I’ve changed. I still have Spender tendencies (do they ever go away?), but they’re over-ruled by my new Saver habits.
But I didn’t get here overnight. It took time. And there were a lot of missteps along the way.
I made plenty of false starts toward frugality during the late nineties and early aughts, but I didn’t really change until I hit rock bottom. When we bought our house in 2004, I was overwhelmed by my debt and expenses. It was then that I was finally ready to “find religion”.
From the folks I’ve talked to, that’s a common theme: It’s tough to get somebody else to change until they’re ready to change. The motivation has to come from within. The question, then, is how do you inspire somebody to change their financial habits? I don’t know if there’s any one right answer. (But maybe readers can share what worked for them, or what worked for the people they know.)
Now, goals keep me going. I’ve learned that there are trade-offs. Sure, I want to buy books and comics and gadgets and expensive restaurant meals. And I do buy some of these things. But once I sat down and decided what was most important to me, it became easier for me to save.
Lately, I’ve been using travel as an example. I love to travel. Like George Bailey, I want to see the world. Because this goal is always with me (and I literally think of it every hour of every day now), it’s easy for me to make smarter choices. In fact, it motivates me to find new ways to save.
So, how can Linda help her boyfriend save money and become more frugal? I think she has to find a way to show him how his present choices affect his future options. Talk with him about what his big goals are — does he want to travel? own a business? go back to school? — and then discuss what it takes to get there. Until he understands that what he does today affects what he can do tomorrow, he’s not likely to change. (One sneaky way to try to get the point across is for Linda to talk about one of her goals, asking her boyfriend to help her figure out how to achieve it — even if she knows the answer already.)
What do you think? How do you motivate a spouse or partner to become better with money? For years, Kris tried to help me see the light, but I wasn’t ready. What could she have done differently? What can Linda do to help her boyfriend?
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You’re right on J.D. In order to get a spender to save, you’ve got to spark their interest in the potential of the future.
My wife HATED budgeting and saving, until she discovered a condo that she loves. I told her that in order to buy the condo (I love it too by the way), we’d need to have to be out of debt, and save enough to put 20% down.
She started projecting how fast we could come up with the cash and made a 3 months plan for us to clear out $7,800 worth of debt! We are one month into this “new plan” and we already dropped our debts by $3,000!
When a spender is motivated by what is possible in the future, they can make a complete turn-around!
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How do you know that he is not a saver? Have you seen his bank accounts? Has he files for bankruptcy or has gone to a CCC? Be careful about accusing someone of having a certain behaviour just because they don’t share a few common interests. If he puts away 10% and you want to see him do something more like 15%, I would suggest to change your outlook on this person. I only say this, because my partner and I are very similar to these people. She needs to decide now if it is a deal breaker before she makes any long term commitments.
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I’d suggest creating goals together. My husband jumped right on board our “30% or more into savings plan” as soon as we decided we’d be using our savings and investments to retire at age 52. Early retirement motivates both of us to stay on track. Linda just needs to take a moment to think – what thing in the future does her boy really want? Goals and dreams motivate everyone, right?
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J.D. is absolutely right that you cannot make someone else change. And you’ll destroy your relationship if you can’t think about anything else.
I knew my (now) husband was a spendthrift when we were dating. Because he paid off his one credit card before we married, I saw that he was willing to compromise his tendencies for me. But I didn’t fool myself into thinking he was a changed man. And he wasn’t.
For 20 years I’ve paid the bills and made all the major purchases. We never saved as much as we could have if we were both committed to frugality. But we’ve had a very happy life together because I didn’t spend all my time trying to change him (some of the time, yes, but not all of the time).
In the past year, my husband has faced mortality and decided the junk food and sodas are making him fat and unhealthy (the main object of his spending). He decided on his own to cut back and we’ve seen a (dramatic) difference in our bank account.
Now we’re hoping to make a major life change by moving onto a sailboat in a few years. With a goal, my husband is finding it even easier to save.
Our story has a happy ending that was based in our relationship before we married.
1) My sweetie was a spendthrift but he wasn’t totally irresponsible. He always worked and his spending was mostly limited to junk food and meals out–not gambling and prostitutes or something really expensive like comic books
.
2) I tried to lead by example and didn’t try to force a change. And let’s face it, it was nice to have someone splurge on dinner out so I didn’t spend my whole life in the kitchen.
So I’d suggest the question isn’t how to motivate your boyfriend to save. But whether you can be happy together if he doesn’t?
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Same here, my Wife became really committed to saving (not that she was a total spendthrift before anyway) once we got serious about saving for a house. I do believe motivation has to come internally.
I also believe it is easier to be motivated (until one hits rock bottom) by the idea of a “large investment” such as for a house, travel, etc., rather than saving for a far off retirement, an emergency fund, or paying off debt.
The question then becomes though, if you are simply delaying a lot of smaller (generally less intelligent purchases) for a few larger (hopefully more intelligent purchases). In other words, in most instances has the person truly changed at heart or have they just found a more healthy way to divert their need to spend?
The two questions that immediately come to mind then are: 1) Even if that is the case, so what? And 2), Conversely: What if you save for the house, you buy it, and then your significant other reverts to their old spending habits?
Then your potentially in really big trouble.
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It seems saving for a wedding isn’t a priority for him. Why marry someone whom you already want to change? You are setting yourself up for years of frustration. What if he never gets it?
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Pamela (#3) makes a very good point. Will you be happy with your boyfriend even if he doesn’t change?
My husband was never a big spender – he just spent way more than me (which is pretty easy so that says more about me than him). I would have been fine with our situation even if he hadn’t changed a bit for the early retirement goal.
Are you happy either way?
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JD, I don’t understand why you use “boyfriend” when she uses “fiance”?
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If you could figure out a way to fix other people’s spending habits you could make more money than Dave Ramsey. (In fact, dragging him to a Financial Peace University might work, depending on his personality and beliefs.)
Still, it’s more possible to influence a significant other. Keep the lines of communication open and don’t ever let things fester. Use “I” and “We” words (I’m worried about our financial future) when you talk about it instead of “You” (eg you always, you never). Work towards common goals, and not against each other. You may even do best with separate finances like JD has– so long as he’s contributing a certain amount to the pool you can not pay attention to what he’s spending elsewhere (though you don’t want him to destroy your credit after marriage…).
My DH works really well on an adult allowance… of course, he set the amount (we talked about what we could afford at first) and he tracks it. http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/in-praise-of-dhs-adult-allowance/
What really opened his eyes to get him actually interested in finances was reading Your Money or Your Life. He wasn’t happy with his job and this book opened his eyes about how money can be used as a tool to buy TIME and reduce stress… not just to buy stuff. It had other benefits for him too: http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2010/07/18/pre-tenure-angst/
Good luck!
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Do you track your money? Would he let you track his, if only based on bank statements? If you could show him some charts about his savings vs. spending and let him know how much he saved in a month, that might help.
I approached this delicately with my husband, but it helped that I already tracked and he’s not a big spender. He slowly got used to the idea and now he keeps all receipts for me and I open all his bank statements. I also let him know how much he saved every month, but make no comment on his spending unless he asks, but I have all the numbers if he wants to know how much he spend on whatever category.
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She should read Aristophanes.
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Oh boy, I don’t want to be negative, but I really don’t see much of a future for Linda and her guy. First of all, the tone of her letter (if those are her original words, and haven’t been too heavily edited for space reasons) is altogether quite heavy and downhearted, reflecting her inner doubts about this relationship. She uses words like “different,” “frustrated,” and “hard” and has nary a good word to say about her guy except to make excuses for his current behaviour patterns (red flag, anyone?). It’s not so much a matter of being a Saver and Spender, more like being an Adult and Child. It wouldn’t suprise me if she hasn’t already had to bail him out, or at least tide him over through some minor financial snafus. I have been in this kind of situation before, and let me say that I’ve never had any luck in changing a person’s bad spending/saving habits, no matter how charming he was and how much I wanted the relationship to work.
J.D., although you yourself are a reformed Spender (with the help of your Kris, who is obviously a saint!) I think that your case is the exception, rather than the rule.
My advice to Linda? Toss the guy, and find yourself a new man who has more in common with you. Otherwise, a few years down the line, I guarantee that you’ll be facing divorce, and a whole new financial situation – probably not a very beneficial one for you.
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My ex was a spender when we met, a spender when we broke up, and still a spender. He is constantly borrowing from wherever he can. He declared bankruptcy in 2005 and that wasn’t a wake up call.
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Well, it may also depend on if the fiancee truly has a real problem with spending. By real, I mean needs counseling or something type problem.
I agree that setting goals is a great idea, seeing what you could attain for your future if you save is great. However, some people have a true compulsion to spend, and people like that will hide their purchases and still spend until the underlying issue is dealt with. A member of our family was like that when I was a kid, and it resulted in numerous bankruptcies. It wasn’t until all access to money for that person was removed that the spending stopped. (No credit cards, no check books, no ATM card and just a few bucks in his wallet each day.)
Now, you hope it doesn’t get to that point and that the person just is a little impulsive. If the problem is manageable, then you have to work together. This problem has to be nipped in the bud if possible or they are going to have a rocky start to marriage.
Hopefully, it is just a minor problem and it won’t have to turn into one person almost ‘parenting’ the other. It’s hard because she is probably going to have to step on his toes some. Maybe he doesn’t want to really see that he doesn’t make enough to justify his lifestyle anymore? Perhaps a third party needs to get involved. I know a lot of pre-marriage seminars address finances, perhaps something like that would help.
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There is not enough information in Linda’s letter to decide whether her fiance has a spending problem. She says that they ARE saving for a wedding, and it’s possible they are saving for other goals as well. It might not be that her fiance is too much of a spendthrift but that Linda is too much of a tightwad!
Everyone needs balance. If they are meeting reasonable savings goals, there is nothing wrong with her fiance spending his disposable income on coffee, eating out, gadgets, and travel.
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Before you get married you should think hard about what will happen if your fiance never changes. It’s certainly possible that he will (it sounds like he wants to), but change is hard and he might go back to the way he was. Can you live with that? I think it is fine to marry him if you want, but do it with your eyes open.
Good luck.
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I think neither of them is right or wrong, they just have different priorities and styles. She needs to decide if they are compatible or not. My husband and I have different priorities, too, and we handle it by having “his, hers, and ours” money. We agree on a certain amount that goes in to “ours” to cover expenses and a rate of savings we can agree on, and whatever’s left over is ours to spend or save as we please. My husband is super frugal in every way except electronics, but he spends “his” money on ipads, so it’s his indulgence, not for me to “correct” or “change” or even “motivate.”
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I agree with the comments regarding shared goals. I’m a saver by nature but still struggle when I don’t have a clear cut view of the purpose behind the saving. I imagine that’s only exacerbated when you have a spender mentality.
Incidentally, Trent over at The Simple Dollar covered this same question in a reader mailbag a couple of weeks ago, which generated some interesting discussion.
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There’s an old saying: Women marry men expecting to change them. Men marry women expecting them not to change. In the end, they’re both wrong.
Marry someone you’re happy with NOW – not some vision of who you can mold them into, if you just try hard enough. You’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.
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Isn’t this entire question based on a manipulative premise?
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#16 and #19 are right on.
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People are making good points. There really isn’t enough information to know who is “right” or “wrong” (they may both be right), but it does seem like they’re not on the same page. That definitely needs to be worked out before the wedding. Talk about the shared goals, what system you’re planning to handle money, and map that out. It’s not really his spending that should be the problem to you (unless you’re a minimalist), but the amount he isn’t saving.
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Karla (#18) yes, Trent answered this exact same question in a reader mailbag – I looked it up and it’s the same word for word. My comment I left there still applies, I cut and pasted my comment below:
I think you need to cut him some slack. You already said that he’s “cut back on most of the big spendings” and now you’re going after him for the small ones. Give him some time to adjust. My DH was the same way – and while he still spends more on Dunkin Donuts and computer games than I’d like, he has curbed the big spending – he won’t come home with a gaming system or something that big un-announced.
And the Starbucks gold card – I’m sorry, I go there on average once a week, and I usually get just the regular coffee – maybe once a month I’ll get a “fancy” drink – and I was upgraded to the gold card last year. Just having the “gold card” doesn’t mean he’s spending $20 a day there. I spend less than $25 a month.
After reading this question a second time, I really just think that they aren’t compatible. If he’s already giving up spending on this big things (presumably because she wants him to) and started saving for a wedding (again, presumably because she wants him to) then she needs to back off on the latte factor purchases or admit that it’s a dealbreaker for her. Like in comment #2 – if he wants to put aside 10% and she wants to put aside 15% – then it’s just a matter of “sorry, you’re not as much of a saver as me, and I need a partner who is.” If JD conquered his debts, maxed out his retirement savings, and bought his own Mini Cooper – and then AFTER he accomplished all this Kris chose to complain about his comic book spending habits – well, I have a feeling THAT wouldn’t go over very well!
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Find some stories about those who are experiencing regret for getting financially ‘off-track’ and who are now living with their decisions. Of course a streak of bad luck is sometimes a contributor, but I feel fairly certain that it is the lack of fiscal discipline/knowledge that gets most people in those dire straits.
Fear is by far my best motivator. Good luck!
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Our family hack for this situation has two parts. First, we use an allowance. Neither of us gets to have an opinion on the other’s use of these funds.
Second I decide where the household money gets spent, but my spouse actually spends it. For example, I do the budget, spouse writes the checks. He does most of the grocery shopping, finds contractors,etc.
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I’m having problems with the “he’s the spendthrift” and “she’s the sensible one” assumption of this article unless there were many editig changes. All I see is that they are on different spages as to spending priorities. Do we know for a fact that he is overspending? are we just assuming that he is a spendthrift and/or having debt issues. Really, having a Starbucks gold card is not the end of the world. while I dont have one, I do have preferred cards at other places. It sounds to me like they simply have different priorities and that needs to be addressed, rather than how to change a fiance.
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That’s a tough one. My advice is to find someone you’re compatible with to begin with. JD shows it’s possible to reform, but it took him 20 years. Do you really want to go through that?
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I think this couple should discuss their dreams for their future and then ask,”How will we get there?” If they’re both on the same page, that will be evident. If not, then they have to figure out what each needs to do to get that house or whatever. I think the conversation would be an eye-opener.
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I wouldnt normally suggest something like this, but if she really wants to change her fiances habits, the best way to ignite the spark is to play the victim. Use tears, and tell the dude he is causing too much fear and anxiety for you. Appeal to the hero complex of all men, and then once he is agreeing to whatever you want(which is what men do when they see women crying), then break out the budget and spending plan. Once its in writing, stick it on the fridge as a constant reminder.
Nagging him to death wont solve anything.
Good luck. =)
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I have the exact same situation as Pamela #4. It is difficult and frustrating at times to be with someone who thinks, “if there is a dime in the bank, then spend it!”.
So what I have done for the past 5 years is to just accept that we will never agree about saving v. spending. I took over our joint finances and set up a separate checking account for him that a set amount gets deposited into every month. He gets to spend it how he pleases (but I still have to monitor it to make sure he doesn’t overdraw as he has done many, many times before).
I just make sure we save a huge chunk of our pay, all the bills get paid on time, and we don’t pay fees for dumb mistakes. This won’t work if the fiance wants to be too involved with the finances or if you don’t feel confident handling them alone.
Overall, I love my husband for many other reasons besides his financial skills and I like doing the finances, so it works for us. She just needs to decide if this is the kind of commitment she wants.
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One thing I did in the last year was that over the course of a couple of weeks I pulled the statements from all of our credit cards, entered every purchase that I made into a spreadsheet, went out to Amazon or wherever if possible and itemized exactly what each purchase was, especially if it was a gadget.
After looking at what I’d spend thousands of dollars on over the last few years and realizing that almost all of it was now useless junk, I turned my spending habits around VERY quickly. When I think about buying a gadget now, I don’t even consider it unless either I can honestly say that I’ll still be using it in 5 years, or I actually do NEED it (very little falls into this category)
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I think this basically comes down to the fact that she sees her fiancee as being less motivated to reach their goals than she is – and that’s where the frustration comes from.
If he’s already contributing to a savings account, and cutting his spending to accomplish that, then I really see the problem being more about HER than him.
You said he’s changed a LOT since you’ve been together already….so how MUCH does he still have to change to suit you? People make a lot of allowances and a lot of compromises when they step into a relationship, but they shouldn’t have to give up everything for their partner to be happy with them.
MY suggestion is for you to streamline your household expenses (a good base budget is always key), and then agree on a certain amount each paycheque that BOTH of you will put into the savings account, preferably both of you will contribute the same amount. Then….anything extra he makes on top of that, he can do whatever the heck he wants with it (spend it, save it…not for you to say). Same for you….though maybe you would prefer to use the money you have left over to start funding your own emergency savings account.
The thing is, he shouldn’t be the only person changing and making sacrifices. You have to be willing to make some compromises along the way too – otherwise you won’t make it.
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We do something similar to #24. We each get an allowance of cash that is free to blow on whatever we want. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Maybe if she draws up a budget of sorts and shows him exactly what is coming in and what it is being spent on (if you can even track it), that will spur him on to change. That totally worked for my husband. Once I showed him what we were clearing every month and what we had to show for it, i.e. a bunch of stuff and extra weight around the midsection, he was completely on board with changing his spending habits. We are now paying off debts faster than we ever imagined.
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Agree with #3 Pamela, #9 Nicole, #17 Jen & #19 Kevin. Do not go into a marriage expecting to reform him; that sets you up as right and him as wrong, and it’s really different styles that can be compatible. With luck, he’ll learn frugality from you and you’ll learn to loosen up and have fun with your money from him. In my marriage (25 years this summer), I’m the saver & he’s the spender. We have NEVER held a joint bank account and never will; all our expenses are done roommate-style. By mutual agreement, he hands over to me a set (decent) amount of each paycheck and I pay the bills. Neither of us hassle the other over money as long as the bills get paid and (I put) some money into savings. That works for us; it won’t work for everyone.
Definitely do sit down before the wedding and hash out how you will handle joint expenses and income. Communicate, communicate, communicate, with love.
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‘For years, Kris tried to help me see the light, but I wasn’t ready.’
That’s your answer right there. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to change negative habits in someone who’s not ready to change. There is nothing that can be done IMO because the reasons behind spending (or any other addiction) are so psychologically complex. I don’t think it’s fair to expect other people to take responsibility for another’s out of control behavior. The person with the issue is the one that has to want to change for any real change to occur. They have to WANT to do things differently. Usually, the words ‘rock bottom’ come into play because only when the pain of the selfish behavior becomes greater than the pleasure, only THEN will the ‘offender’ change. If the big spender is involved in a relationship, sometimes an ultimatum will work and usually only after the other person carries out their threat and leaves. Again, rock bottom. Linda needs to understand that her boyfriend will not change until he’s ready to, even after they get married, and that ending any kind of addiction can take years. There’s depression involved here or some other manifestation of an esteem issue.
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JD, just because you were able to change (and Kris could live with you while you got ready to change) doesn’t mean this works for every couple.
The First MrP was a spender when we met. He attempted at reform so I’d marry him, but literally within a month of our marriage he was back to his spending ways. I’m a control freak. I couldn’t live with that. After a year of us being miserable together we divorced.
I was fortunate to find another man who shared my financial philosophy. The difference between my two marriages is akin to the difference between riding a bike up a mountain, and riding a bike down a mountain.
My advice, as a “been there done that” person is Linda, go to a counselor. Work out whether *you* can live with your fiancee as he *is.* Be honest with yourself. Consider that any problems you have now will only get more acute if you have a family. Is that how you want to live your life, if he does not significantly change his life habits? If the answer is yes, then I wish you a happy marriage. If the answer is no, move on to the next phase of your life and you will both be happier.
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I’m definitely the spender in my relationship. I never spend more then I have, but I always manage to spend every last penny. My main indulgence is restaurants.
This would always drive my boyfriend (now husband) up the wall!
He would nag me and nag me about it (about once a day for 3 years), and it didn’t make a difference.
What finally got me to get excited about saving was to talk about our future. I’ve always been obsessed with houses, and he’s obsessed with investing, so we talk about real estate investments all the time. We’re dying to get started!
I’ve even become excited about budgeting and whatnot over the last few weeks. Talking about it once a week is no longer a chore… now it’s something kind of exciting. I even made a detailed Excel spreadsheet, and we’re starting the envelope system.
This month we’re saving our first $200, and next month we should save $600
Good luck with your boyfriend! My opinion is not to nag… just try to make exciting plans for the future and get him involved in making a budget/savings plan to work toward that future. Worked like a charm for me!
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@#28 – manipulation is the worst trait to use in a relationship based on trust. You’re not building a foundation for a happy life, you’re building a house of cards on a foundation of quicksand.
I’m not going to give advice to the OP, because I haven’t walked this road. If you do nothing, he won’t change. If you use manipulation, he won’t change, and he will resent you.
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Hmm, most folks posting on here is about the husband spending. My situation is the opposite. My solution is that there is none. She makes her own money, and has her own personal debt, therefore it is her responsibility. After all she is an adult. We also have no joint debt. Me being the responsible one has the mortgage. The way I figure it is that one day my wife will learn a hard lesson if she gets into to much debt she can’t pay. Open marriage is a wonderful thing. We are still two individuals that share a life together.
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My husband & I are pretty much same, we both save & we both love to spend on something we’ve saved for. Still, I become discontented more easily than he does. One thing that’s helped us stay in budget is to give each other a weekly allowance. We can freely spend our own allowance on whatever we want but anything beyond that we both must agree on it. It helped us become mortgage-free in 1999 & debt-free in 2006.
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There was a study done that people who were reminded regularly with positive reinforcement to save money ended up being more frugal (link below).
Having him subscribed to newsfeed will help.
I have SaveEveryWay, GRS, mint.com newsfeed, etc may be helpful.
http://lifehacker.com/5401216/make-yourself-save-money-with-automated-text-messages
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@ #8 (MissPinkKate)
This has always been a pet pieve of mine. I was dating my fiance for a long time before we got engaged, and 6 months into the relationship, my father introduced her to a coworker of his as “my friend.” I was offended. My fiance (gf only at the time) was really offended. How could he say that when she’s been a significant part of our life for 6 years at that point? At least JD just read about this guy in an e-mail… Oh, and we TOTALLY called him out on it and he gave some BS about how in the corporate world you never want to introduce someone as gf/bf. She was a family member, not a co-workers date to a damn Christmas party.
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I agree with Chipmunk that this may be more of a relationship issue than a financial one. I would suggest writing to someone like Carolyn Hax.
That being said, I agree with Mimms and Jeanine: Set up a budget, figure out an allowance for each of you, and go grom there. In general, allowances should be equal and not based on how much money one person or the other is earning.
If necessary, set up separate accounts. Separate credit cards are a definite just for tracking.
If you are going on a ‘date’, whoever suggests it pays. If there is something you both want to buy like a new TV, split the cost.
If you find he is cheating slightly, separate your accounts so this isn’t possible. If this doesn’t work, it is time to move on, because money will be an issue that will wreck your marriage at some point down the road.
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Remember that money is the number one cause of divorces.
I wonder why you’d even want to marry this guy since your values are so different. The lovey dovey stuff will go away but the bad money habbits will stay.
To answer your question, the only real way to get someone to change is to let them hit rock bottom and help them pick themselves up. You can give them a goal but they’ll just go back to their old ways.
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Wow! I am surprised by some of these comments! I understand that money is an important aspect of a committed relationship. And that differences in approach to money can cause tension. But I really don’t think telling Linda to dump her fiance because of their money differences is constructive. I am sure she has already put a lot of thought into whether this man is the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Telling her that this situation is worth dismissing her fiance over will probably serve to make her more nervous about tying the knot, and make her less tolerant of his spending/saving habits.
With that said, I think this transitional period is a great time to broach the subject of long term financial goals. This is a serious subject, but I think if you approach it too seriously, it might intimidate the guy. I would have the conversation without spreadsheets or bank statements in hand. Approach it from a “let’s dream about our awesome future together” standpoint. And then on a separate occasion, arrange the dreams you both came up with into priority groups. That’s the time to come up with an actual plan.
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JD – I wonder what Kris would say to this. How did she handle it? As you’ve told us repeatedly, you do keep your finances separate – is that due to her frustration with your past money habits?
I’ve never tried to make someone change their spending habits, but I have made that mistake with other things – smoking, drinking, childish behavior. It has never worked for me, and I’m not up for ever trying it again. I have to agree with the previous posters who said you should think hard about being with someone you think needs “fixing”.
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I commented on this question on Trent’s site a few weeks ago. To me, the vibe I get from Linda’s letter is “*My* money priorities (like saving for the wedding) are good and frugal, whereas *his* money priorities (like gadgets and coffee) are stupid and wasteful. How do I get him to give up what he wants so that I can have more of what I want?” To which I say: You don’t. You have to respect his interests if you want him to respect yours.
My suggestion was that they should draw up a budget that they can both agree with, and figure out how much they can afford to spend on the things that each of them wants. And then, if he sticks to the budget, no more nagging. If you decide that you can afford $200 a month (or whatever) for his coffee and gadgets, then you have to let him have that, without pestering him that if only he cut his spending to $150/month, you could be saving that much more for the wedding.
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The thing you have to be careful of is his goals might be to have fun right now! I know mine are similar, so buying a cool gadget or enjoying takeout might actually be his goal, not all of us have a desire to buy big items.
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You can absolutely change. But it truly must come from within. The best thing to do is to talk about the long term effects of short term spending. Deferred gratification is the key. Its fine to spend, as long as you are investing first and paying cash for things. The best way to mitigate spending is to have investments come out of your pay before you even see it, and when you decide to make a purchase, set up an individual savings fund for that purpose, and pay cash for the item. No consumer item is so critical to have as to justify purchasing the item on credit cards. Pay in cash, after you invest, and you will live frugally without even realizing it.
Pat
http://compoundingreturns.blogspot.com
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One of the most important parts of our pre-marriage counseling (17 years ago — eek!) was to talk about money and our goals and visions for the future.
Sure, we enjoyed being together, but if we didn’t agree about what we wanted our lives to be like and what we wanted to accomplish together, there wouldn’t be much point in getting married.
We ended up evolving our spending and savings practices together, based on where we wanted our lives to go and the choices we wanted available to us.
For example, we were DINKS living paycheck-to-paycheck with almost no savings, until DH got laid off the first time. We never wanted to be anxious about losing a job like that again. Suddenly, saving was a REALLY good idea.
As we went forward, YMOYL and Millionaire Next Door (read and shared) were strong motivators for change.
As for motivating our partners to change in ways we want, agree with #16 and #19.
Good luck!
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