Confessions of a Spendaholic: How to Curb Compulsive Spending
Published on - February 15th, 2011 (by J.D. Roth) My name is J.D., and I’m a spendaholic. Now admittedly, I mostly have my spending under control. I’m no longer in debt, and I force myself to make conscious decisions about what I purchase. (Conscious spending is one of the keys to overcoming emotional spending.)
Having said that, however, I know that if I relax for even a moment, I’ll be right back in my old habits. 
I’ll find myself at the grocery store, buying magazines to soothe a bruised ego, or shopping for music in the iTunes store because I had a stressful day at work.
How do I know I’ll relapse if I’m not careful? Because I do from time-to-time. When I returned from our trip to Europe last fall, for example, I spent a weekend buying clothes and gadgets that I didn’t really need. I felt anxious about returning to writing (it’s always tough to find my groove after time away), so I found myself browsing on Amazon and at REI. Emotional spending is comforting — not just for me, but for a lot of other people besides.
Though I’m a recovering spendaholic, I’m still a spendaholic. I’m always one step away from compulsive spending.
Confused relationships with money
People who have never suffered from compulsive spending can’t understand the problem, and you may have a hard time explaining it to them. They don’t know what it’s like to see something and feel the urge to buy it now. They don’t know the lure of the shopping “rush” — and the subsequent nausea from the guilt have having spent too much.
“Overspenders…have confused and confusing relationships with money,” write psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz in Mind Over Money. “On one hand, they’re convinced that money and the things it can buy will make them happy; yet they’re often broke because they can’t control their spending.”
Fortunately, I’ve learned some ways to cope with emotional spending. Though I’m still tempted, I don’t spend nearly as much as I used to because I’ve developed habits that help me do the right thing, even when the right thing is difficult.
Curbing compulsive spending
Here are some steps I’ve learned can help people overcome emotional spending:
- Cut up your credit cards. If you have a problem with compulsive spending, destroy your credit cards now. Don’t make excuses. Don’t jot the account numbers someplace “just in case”. Don’t rationalize that you need them to help your credit score. If credit cards fuel your emotional spending, you’re better off without them.
- Carry only cash. Don’t use your checkbook or a debit card. Inconvenient? Absolutely, but that’s the point. If you’re a compulsive spender, your goal is to break the habit. To do this, you’ve got to make sacrifices. Spending cash is a way to remind yourself that you’re spending real money. Plastic (and to some degree checks) make this connection fuzzy.
- Track your spending. You may not even be aware of how much you’re spending. When I let my emotions rule my financial life, I had no idea how many books I was buying, for example. But once I started tracking every dollar that came into and went out of my life, patterns became clear. When you see your spending patterns, you can act on them.
- Play mind games. For some people, money isn’t an emotional issue. They’re able to make logical choices and not be tempted to otherwise. They’re lucky. For most of us, however, it doesn’t work that way. If you’re in this majority, find ways to play tricks on yourself. You might train yourself to use the 30-day rule, for instance: When you see something you want, don’t buy it right away; instead, note it on your calendar for 30 days in the future. If you still want it in a month, consider buying it. I’ve found that I can keep myself from buying a lot of stuff by simply putting it on my Amazon wish list. I come back later and wonder why I was ever tempted!
- Avoid temptation. Speaking of temptation, the best way to keep from spending is to avoid situations that tempt you to spend in the first place. If your weakness is music, stay out of record stores and de-activate your iTunes account. If you tend to overspend at big department stores, stay away from the mall. Avoid the places where you normall spend, especially if you’re under emotional stress.
- Ask for help. There’s no shame in asking for help if you’re having trouble with your spending. Talk to a close friend or family member, and ask for support in breaking the cycle of compulsive spending. You may even want to seek professional help. But remember: If you ask for help, don’t get angry when your counselors call you on your missteps. Listen to what they have to say.
The good news is that you can break free from emotional spending. The bad news is that it’s going to take work, and it won’t happen overnight. You’ll make mistakes and backslide, but when you do, don’t give up, and don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re human, after all. Stay focused on your long-term goals, and resolve to do better next time.
To learn more about compulsive shopping and emotional spending, visit the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery website, which has a list of money habits that indicate a problem with compulsive shopping or spending. How many do you have?
This article originally appeared in a slightly different form at the Pageonce blog. It’s adapted from one section of my book, Your Money: The Missing Manual.
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I think to some degree most people feel those compulsions from time to time. Obviously like most things self-awareness goes a long way. It reminded me a lot reading this of my own rationalizations. “I should just get some fast food to sooth myself from an ego bruising tough day at work.” In some ways, now that your site is so successful I am sure it has been tougher to control such things, and yet it appears you are more self-aware than ever. I am sure writing about it helps as well. Good luck on your continued journey.
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I would add an important tip: Create a budget, maybe create a special bank account for that, and stick to it. It’s far easier to have an allowance for ‘unnecessary spending’, than to try not to do it at all.
My wife and me each have a personal allowance for clothing, books, gadgets, etc. We can spend the money any way we like, the other one cannot complain, but when it’s gone, you have to wait till next month. You don’t feel guilty when you spend it, since it’s meant for that, but it will keep you within your budget.
Without a budget, it’s hard to decide how much you can spend. Nobody would think it’s reasonable never to buy a book or gadget anymore. With an allowance, it’s clear. If you spend it on things you regret later, you might learn from it or not, but you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. It won’t put you in debt, won’t prevent bills from being paid, the money is there and it’s yours to spend. Feels a lot like being a kid again: if you spend your allowance every week on sweets, you’ll never be able to buy the nice and expensive toy, but it’s never a real problem.
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I don’t think I’m a spendaholic, but I get irrational urges to buy things too. 90% of the time, I ignore them and distract myself with blogging or going to a friend’s house. 10% of the time, I end up at Amazon…
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chill out. We all are spendaholics to a certain degree. Splurging occasionally is ok I think, as long as you can pay for them. It’s letting it get out of control that becomes the problem.
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Amen brother. Tell the world like it is. I too am a spendaholic and it has all but ruined my life. It has taken me the loss of a job, loss of health insurance, a near catastrophe with my wife’s asthma and near bankruptcy to see the sorry state of my financial affairs. In many ways it is like being an alcoholic, you yourself cannot see what your addiction is doing to you and your life. My life is starting to turn around, thanks to the words of people like JD and others.
Watch this space. My own blog will be live in about 60 days, as soon as I can get a cache of articles in the pipe.
Thanks for opening my eyes JD.
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We all like to think we’re rational creatures but your article reminds us that emotion plays such a strong part in our financial choices.
Besides spending to get emotional comfort, we also buy things that confirm the image we have of ourselves. That’s why convincing someone to get rid of something isn’t about rationality but about confronting their dreams.
I’m a hack bike rider. I mostly pedal around town to run errands with an occasional 10 mile ride to the lake. I probably could get away with a beater bike. But I was thrilled to find a sturdy, long distance touring bike on Craiglist and I sank a lot of money into repairing and upgrading it.
Truth be told, that 10 mile ride to the lake has lots of serious hills so I’m thankful for it sometimes. But most of the time, I don’t need something so sturdy and fast.
But it was an investment in my dream image of myself. If I ever decide to ride across the country, I have the bike that can do it.
I’m just self-aware enough to debate whether I should have spent the money on this bike. But not self-aware enough to opt for a less expensive choice. I was able to afford my choice so I just laugh at myself every once in a while and enjoy a bike that’s better than I am.
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Another suggestion is to put what you want on your Amazon wishlist. Then maybe someone else will buy it for you next winter holiday or birthday.
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People when they come off emotional experiences (whether a high or low) are vulnerable to their addictions. You will face similar pressures when you return from Africa. You will feel high from seeing seeing such a beautiful country and likely to feel some guilt from the brief glimpses at the sprawling misery of the townships. You would be wise to find alternate activities that allow some productivity but doesn’t require the emotional energy required to write a blog. For you that probably includes working out, gardening, sorting out your pictures, etc. It will take a couple of days before you are ready to write out financial articles.
I am going through a house sale that is taking longer than we planned. When there are setbacks, I am inclined to not be productive and waste a lot of time. One way or the other we all face such issues.
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I’ve actually found the opposite to be true regarding debit cards v. cash. With my card, I can pull up the bank website and watch exactly where my money went. Put $50 in my wallet and it’s gone in 2 days and I have no idea where it went.
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When I get an unusual urge to shop, I go to places where I can’t do much damage, or I try to find other ways of “consuming”. I’ll go to the library and get a bunch of books that look interesting at the moment but that I might not actually read, or I’ll do the grocery shopping at a discount grocer. Thrift stores are also good because by the time I find something that I actually like or that fits, my shopping urge has burned itself out. I’m not an online shopper, but I can see where it could become a real problem because it’s so easy.
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You mentioned Amazon and iTunes, these areas make it so much easier to overspend. The wishlist idea is a good one because it causes you to think about what you are doing in making a purchase. Amazon thrives on impulse purchases. I remember when I made more purchases at brick and mortar stores, I spent less money. It gave me a chance to feel bad about spending money with the product in hand and put it back. Online, you lose that chance. I think I’ll be starting a wishlist.
Thanks for the great post.
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I could not move forward from the observation: “…so I found myself browsing on Amazon and at REI. Emotional spending is comforting — not just for me, but for a lot of other people besides.” ~ I lived in the US 32 years and now in Israel 5 years. This statement exactly summarize a cultural view in the US. In most of the western world, Europe, Asia and here in the middle east there are plenty of “REI like” shops. But for some reason people (for the most part) don’t feel like spending is going to be an emotional comfort. Why is that? It’s a cultural mindset that a new item with a tag and a really nice new feel is an emotional “comfort” ~ go figure why this character needs to cut up his credit card!
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I agree with Wade on brick-and-mortar stores. I’m not so much a spendaholic as a bibliophile who forgets about pesky budgets when she starts surfing Amazon with her Kindle. When I’d go into a bookstore, I’d spend hours walking around with a stack of books, and then narrow it down to the two I could afford. Now, I have to really watch my Amazon and Kindle whispernet surfing. I agree with you (and others) who say that the Wishlist is a highly useful feature; I’ve stopped myself many times that way.
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What really helped me out was to put together a spreadsheet showing exactly what items I’d bought on my main credit card in the last 10 years. Most were online purchases, so I was pretty easily able to pull up actual invoices for each charge.
When I went through and realized how many thousands of dollars that I’d spent on stuff that I either never used much or turned out to be not as awesome as I’d thought, and 90% of it had already been thrown away, it gave me something to think about every time I’m thinking of buying something new and shiny.
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Great Article! Reading this has assured me that I don’t want to be a Spendaholic when I get older. Frugality really pays off. Too Bad they don’t teach this in school or less people would be Spendaholics.
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Tracking, tracking, tracking, tracking. Track EVERYTHING in and out. I think that’s the first step anyone with any sort of fiscal issue because most times compulsive shoppers aren’t even aware they are one or if they know they have a problem with money, they “just don’t know where it all goes.” OR they lay the blame on everyone else except them. Tracking spending is the only way to come face to face with what the heck is going on, who really is responsible for your financial headaches (YOU) and what the weak spots are (another thing most of us aren’t even aware of when we start admitting there’s a problem).
By the way, I also find the library a huge soothing force to the urge to buy. Most libraries today are just like Amazon, you can browse online and order books, movies, and cd’s. It’s my favorite thing ever.
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Sometimes I feel my sister is a compulsive shopper. She’d say she isn’t because she never goes in debt for her shopping, but I think she is because she doesn’t save any money (she spends all the money that comes in). She is like me where she likes to buy gifts for other people, even when the other people are saying “enough!”.
I think she would find saving for long term goals more satisfying, but she can’t seem to get out of the mindset of buying things that make her happy “now” even it’s only a momentary pleasure. Plus she feels the things she would save for (house, retirement) are so out of reach that saving a 10 here or there won’t make a difference.
Any way of motivating someone like this?
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Hmm, I went to the link at the bottom of the article curious as what was on the list of habits. Now, I’ve never been in debt and always had savings. However, I could still find three items on the list I agree with:
- Feeling a rush of euphoria and anxiety when spending money
- Feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or confused after shopping or spending money
- Thinking excessively about money
I don’t have the four required to have a problem (according to the site), but it does make me wonder if you have to go into debt or overspend in order to have a shopping problem. It doesn’t really make sense that it should be, but many of the emotions can still be there.
Hmm, and as I look over that list again, I guess a fourth point (Having arguments with others about one’s shopping or spending habits) could also somewhat apply. As family has often told me I need to loosen up and be willing to spend more…
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Once an addict, always an addict. It’s a slippery slope.
I just experienced a relapse, brought on by one of my triggers, and the anxiety this time has been overwhelming. I wrote about it today already. It is indeed difficult to make someone who doesn’t have this problem understand it so think of it this way. It’s like alcoholism, any drug-of-choice addiction, food addiction, hoarding. In fact, shopaholics are usually hoarders too. There is no difference in the drug of choice. The behavior is just as destructive and just as difficult to stop. You always have to be on your guard. You always have to watch those triggers.
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When I get an unwanted impulse to shop, I take inventory of the posessions I already have.
A couple of years ago I went on a shopping spree of bath and body products. Good grief, I ended up with about five years’ worth of products. The items might even go bad before I get around to using them. If I get an urge to buy more, I dig out the storage tub where they’re kept. I see, touch, feel, and even smell the products. It reminds me that I have more than enough.
You can do the same thing with clothes, tools, books, jewelry, crafts, etc. Get in touch with the volumne of what you already own and it can diminish the desire to acquire more.
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My name’s Jo and I am a conscious spender. I do understand the issues that a compulsive spender faces, I have never been one, but do appreciate what a compulsion entails (I am a recovering sentimental hoarder!). I ask myself three things before buying anything always and this has led to a debt free adult life in the main (well actually 9 questions in total but the first 3 are key)
1. Do I need it?
2. Do I love it?
3. Can I afford it?
The full 9 questions I posted on a guest post I did on “The Simple Guide To Conscious Spending”.
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I didn’t consider myself a spendaholic because I rarely buy things impulsively.
However, I did relate to many of the warning signs listed in the link you provided. Any money we have left over at the end of the month for saving was always spent on something that “came up”, most of which was unneccessary, now that I look back on it. (Thanks to advice from the GRS forum!) Always spending our potential savings made me feel stressed and sick to my stomach, but every month it still had to be something.
Tracking our expenses has finally started to lead me away from this, and it looks like January was our last month living paycheck to paycheck.
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I’m definitely a shopaholic. I’m able to curb it a lot more than I was able to in the past, and it never got me into crippling debt. But I know how it feels to want that one thing RIGHT NOW. Or the conscious decision to go buy something that you don’t need simply because you had a bad day. It’s good to know I’m not the only one. Slip-ups happen, but as long as we bounce back, that’s what matters.
I use Quicken, and those ugly red numbers in my shopping category quickly remind me of my goals.
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I’m a big fan of Amazon.com’s wish list and putting stuff into the shopping bags at my favorite sites. Often just browsing and putting things in my cart or bag is enough.
Otherwise, we live via an allowance system, we live by the $100 rule, for every $100 an item costs we have to wait a day ($1000 item requires 10 day wait) and the $300 rule, anything over $300 requires a discussion and agreement with my husband (even if it comes out of allowance money).
I normally stay away from malls, but the on-line stuff trips me up. And like others, since I’ve gotten a Kindle, my book buying has gone way, way, way up, it is just so easy to hear about a new book and download it. I’ve gotten to the point where I start a book if its slow giong, I simply buy another one and save the slow one for another day. I would have never done that with actual books, I would keep reading until it picked up.
I do track our spending so the Kindle purchases are on my radar.
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I too am a spendaholic by nature (I love the rush of finding some clothes that fit just right, or buying a new book to devour).
The only thing that saves me is “spender’s remorse”. It happens almost every time. I get the big rush of shopping, and then when I get home and think about how I could have used that money for other things or saved it, it takes the edge off my ‘high’.
Since I know this happens every single time (unless it is ‘free money’ like a gift card), it helps to curb the buying impulse. I’ll get so far as to add everything to my shopping cart online, but then close out the browser window.
My husband and I are also afraid of becoming hoarders like our parents, and so we are frequently donating/trashing garbage bags full of recycling, clothing, etc. Everytime I want to buy something new I think about what I’ll get rid of in exchange, and realize that it’s probably not worth it since I’m generally pretty happy with what we have.
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Whenever I use my credit card, I think I’m kind of fooling myself that I have bajillions of money. I am finally able to convince myself to stop using my credit card except for flight bookings.
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Evernote is awesome for this and has saved me thousands. I see something I want it goes on a wish list on Evernote that is always with me. It takes care of the impulse by allowing me to “save it” then and there but does less damage.
Books in the bookstore, clothes, gadgets, even home improvement projects go on the list. Then I can rank and prioritize what I want, shop for the best deal or give myself a reality check that my list is a bunch of crap I don’t need. I’ve had some stuff on my list for 2 years but the timing isn’t right or other needs/wants trump it.
Of all the great things I love about evernote, my “wish list” is my favorite. (It also makes it easy during holidays because you can tell people what you really want instead of a bunch of stuff you’ll take back or never use)
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Late last year, I wanted to see how often I purchased impulse buys, especially online. By creating a “30 Day List” (and sticking to it…mostly), I was able to determine if the object of my desire was a want vs.need. 90% of the time, I didn’t end up purchasing what was on my list. And when I DID determine to buy, I later tracked whether or not I used the item and if I was satisfied with the purchase.
I also started budgeting/tracking spending on Mint.com and that opened my eyes to how much I was spending in each category.
In January, I decided to join The Compact, and I’m not purchasing anything new for a year. This new approach has allowed me to put aside more money for travel, which is more important to me than “Stuff”.
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I would consider myself as being a compulsive buyer in terms of spending marketing dollars to grow my online businesses
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Getting a grip on my spending is really difficult because I can so easily trick myself
I love playing the coupon game, meaning getting items free or better-than-free by applying coupons to specific deals. Rite Aid frequently pays me to take stuff out of their store. However, now that I’m using mint to track every little expenditure, what I’m finding is that all those quick trips to various stores for various deals still had me spending more overall than I realized. I’d track the money and see all the great savings, but still be $50 over my budget for the month. So now I’m being almost fanatical about the tracking and also the staying home and going out for the deals only once a week on Sundays (when the new deals usually start). However, while the spreadsheet shows I’m now saving more money and sticking with the budget, I find myself jonesing during the week for SOMEthing to get a deal on, which is why I spend a lot of time reading blogs about finance and deals and coupons, etc. If I can score a free $10 credit on Groupon, then I can spend $10 on Groupon and not blow the budget (but I’m not really curing myself of my underlying problem). I don’t know if there’s an answer – it’s tough to stop doing something that provides a rush or a happy feeling, even a brief one. I guess just being aware and doing the best you can to keep it under control.
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I keep a Buy List in google docs, where I list things I see that I want to buy, with appropriate links. I’ll periodically check it and delete things that I no longer want. When my birthday or Xmas rolls around and my parents or in-laws demand to get gift ideas from my husband, I refer to the Buy List.
I also put things into my shopping cart on amazon and let them “simmer.” You can also move items out of the cart to save for later. I’ve had about five small things sitting in my cart for weeks; yesterday I got an unexpected gift card for Valentine’s Day, so I used it on my cart and only had to pay .59 out of pocket. It was such a treat!
I’d say that about 30% of the items I put on my wish list or in my amazon cart are never purchased. I realize I have something at home that will work just as well, or that I just don’t need the item or just don’t want to spend the money.
Getting rid of cable TV also cut my shopping down drastically, because I don’t see as much advertising. I have AdBlock running on my computer, and I tend to multitask if I watch Hulu, so I don’t need to see the ads.
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My name is Deb and I’m a binge emotional spender. And I seem to become obsessed with particular categories when I go on these binges – the last time it was jewelry. Some times it’s home decor, or books, or hair care items or make up.
I’ve been doing some cognitive therapy on this and part of the problem, I believe, is that I have been on such a strict budget that I can not stick with it in the long term. Then when I experience anxiety or stress, or even boredom, the urge to shop online hits. This sounds an awful lot like someone on a strict diet, doesn’t it?
My game plan now is to allow a little more fun money into our budget, and to plan ahead for some fun events or vacations and target savings for those. I post brochures or pics or articles of said fun event on my bulletin board right above my computer. That really helps me focus on experiences that make me happy, instead of possessions which don’t actually make me happy.
Thanks for your confession, JD. It’s good to hear that you’re less than perfect but somehow you are still on the right track. There’s hope yet for all of us!
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Practice, practice, practice. I have fine-tuned the process so well that I can talk myself out of spending in a flat nanosecond!
It’s much more fun to walk out of a store or mall with NO parcels than it ever was to get back home overladen with bags full of crap we didn’t need.
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I got cured from my financial stupidity by the Great Recession. Cold turkey. For good.
I had a moderately prosperous business (for my lifestyle and financial expectations as a humanities graduate), but was stretched to my limit, unaware of my own money habits. Every profit squeezed went to pay for wants– no savings, no investments, just buy, buy, buy. My wife wasn’t too happy with this but she went along because I claimed to know what I was doing– moving to a higher income bracket required higher expenses, or so I thought, and I dragged her along.
We had been off credit cards for some time, and paying cash for things, but just because you pay cash it doesn’t mean it’s good for you when you do it in excess, just like a gallon of organic ice cream is still a gallon of ice cream.
The recession came, together with Bernie Madoff, my clients (mostly nonprofits that lost their funding) went under, and we were left with a big house full of junk and nothing for a rainy day.
In examining our goals and retooling our life, we sold the junk, moved to a small apartment, pared down expenses, learned to differentiate the superfluous from the essential, and began the slow climb out of the hole, all the while switching to a less profitable but more rewarding line of business (making art).
Now my wife and i look back and wonder– “where did all that money go?”. We are astonished by how much went through our hands and how little it got us– it all went basically down the drain. “If only we had known…”. Well, we know now.
Our new outlook is not a momentary reaction to a difficult situation, we’re not waiting for things to get better again to live high on the hog. Pain and failure are really good teachers, and we’ve had a lot of those in the past couple of years.
We’re sticking to a strict budget and socking everything else away– not for some vague “future”, nor for retirement (we want to work until we die), but for our freedom and financial independence. We want to be happy today, and our financial health is our new instant gratification, like a fitness junkie who loves to pump iron.
We are not out of the woods yet, we have a lot of catching up to do in terms of saving and investing, but we are no longer under pressure to “make a lot of money, or else…” And we like this new situation a lot.
I suppose I could become an impulse buyer again, but the thought of wasting money has become so repellent to me, and the awareness of my past ignorance and stupidity has been so shocking, I don’t feel at all tempted to get back to those habits.
I think it’s the stupidity that really gets me– I had always thought of myself as a smart person, but when I run in my head the movie of my own financial imbecilities, and become aware of the depth of my past ignorance, I am filled with a healthy sense of shame that I hope will keep me honest for the rest of my life.
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I don’t consider myself a spendaholic, but my husband and I have recently purchased some things we couldn’t afford while we were in debt, and feel bad about it. Recently I made a decision not to purchase anything unless it was a matter of life and death. Last weekend, I went out to pick up a birthday present for my daughter and get my husband a Valentine’s card, and ended up splurging $24 on chocolate covered strawberries. I can’t believe how anxious I get when I don’t spend any money for a period of time. I’m working on keeping busy and figuring out other things to do to deal with the anxiety.
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El Nerdo – that’s a GREAT comment.
I used to think of myself as fairly savvy, but in truth I was just really clever about thinking up rationalizations for spending the way I wanted to. I was also really spineless about compromising instead of standing up against others’ financial imbecilities, which when put together with my own, added up to a big pile of crap.
Now, I don’t mind spending on things that will improve our quality of life. But I have a pretty tough series of tests for meeting that definition.
I know that as much as I might *need* the emotional satisfaction of getting a new sweater for work, I don’t need that as much as I need the peace of mind that comes from seeing a zero balance on the credit card and a healthy emergency fund in the savings account.
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One more thing to add. I realized that some of my online browsing/shopping would happen when I was bored. So a few weeks ago I started volunteering at the food bank in my neighborhood. I do this every Saturday for a few hours, and it has already had an impact on me.
Not only does it feel great to be of use, in a tangible way (my day job is at a computer, detached from the customers I’m ultimately making products for), but it also reminds me of how fortunate I am in my own life, how much I have to be grateful for. And if I have some extra money to spend I’ll be more likely to buy groceries and toiletries to donate to the food bank! We go through food in the blink of an eye.
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My husband and I have had separate earmarked accounts to cover our non budgeted items for about 8 years now. This cushion helps keep the peace in our household. We put a little in each week (amounts have varied $5-40). My account currently has about $57. I like having the account. It’s been very useful over the years.
My husband has about $5700 in his. He has never touched his account. He may never or he may buy something big. He’s not remotely impulsive. I don’t think he understands the need for these accounts, but I know he likes seeing the money set aside and saved for him.
I get what you are talking about, JD. The impulse to feel comfort from spending when your routine is off. It’s easy to fall into and you can do damage in a short amount of time. Then you beat yourself up. For me, keeping a credit card in my wallet after vacation is akin to money flying out of my wallet. I’m impressed with this insight actually, that you have the foresight to anticipate what a letdown coming home and resuming routines is like for you. Especially being self employed, where you make your own routines, I can see the challenge in feeling mentally back. Schedule some time with your trainer and get going early the first few days.
My husband used to drive me crazy that he would be fine after vacation while often I’d be a cranky mess. His trick: never leave your routine and habits behind entirely. Regardless of where we are: he runs every morning, he eats fairly moderately with the occasional splurge, and gets the same amount of sleep.
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I just wanted to say how important it is (for us beginners) that you keep repeating “Track your spending.” Not only is it one of the key things, and often the first step, but the fact that it needs repeating has helped me get over a lot of the shame-and-blame syndrome. There may be more advanced savers who think “Track your spending” is a no-brainer, but it is so helpful and encouraging to always see those words here because it acknowledges that many people simply don’t do that, and it shows us the way in plain and simple terms.
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Typo!
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This article was really good, and I was reminded just how much our culture pushes the idea of emotional spending when I received another e-mail titled “Shop your winter blues away with [retailer's name withheld]“. Wow!
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You have some great tips, although I have to say that cutting up credit cards is only necessary for people who are really compulsive. Carrying only cash might help people stop overspending, but it can also be dangerous. They could get mugged or find themselves in an emergency where they may not be able to spend enough to take care of themselves. Otherwise, these are great tips and I agree with them wholeheartedly.
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I am the COMPLETE opposite with cash/cards! To me, cash is more like monopoly money. There is no paper trail, I spend it and it’s gone and I have nothing left to account for it. We only take cash out for the farmer’s market or when going out to eat with a lot of people (easier to split the bill). Credit cards though, I sign the receipt, I see the statement when I download it each month, and then again when I pay the bill. And of course when I download it into Quicken. Whatever purchases I make are recorded for eternity! The guilt is huge! Of course, we pay off our cards each month, which makes a difference. But I would spend much more thoughtlessly if I used only cash.
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What happens when you go too far in the other direction?
Hi – I’m Luke and I feel a profound sense of guilt and stress when I try to spend money on myself!
After dealing with debts for several years I now find it difficult to treat myself at all, or even to spend money that is specifically allocated in my budget for spending (for example, buying essential clothes or getting a haircut). I earn the national average (UK) and have low expenses, but still feel vague unease when I buy anything more adventurous than groceries.
It has gotten so bad that I’ve agreed with my fiancee to *force myself* to spend some money in the form of an adult allowance, as it’s not healthy to say no to everything as a reflex.
Like some extremes, it might sound attractive, but trust me – being unable to spend can be almost as stressful/compulsive as spending too much!
Oh for a happy medium
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One thing you didn’t mention is finding replacement ways to cope with stress. For example, people who are quitting smoking are often encouraged to take up drinking tea, because of the ritual. Having other go-to activities that are soothing (going for a hike, talking to a friend, singing along to your favorite album at the top of your lungs) makes it easier to forego the one you’re trying to give up.
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Oh man, I’m totally an emotional spender. When I’m having a particularly rough morning at work I’ll go to Barnes & Noble or Target and do a lot of browsing. I used to *have* to buy something to feel better, rejuvenated. Thankfully browsing is usually sufficient, because I also ask myself if I really need an item before buying it.
I remember when I lost my job in 2006, the first thing I did was buy a silver trumpet. I had always wanted one, and never played a nice-looking horn in school. It’s sort of ironic that when I lost my income source, all I wanted to do was spend several hundred dollars. I bet you can guess how often I play that trumpet these days…
-j
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Martha Beck just wrote an article on overspending and she wrote something in it that I’d never heard or thought about before. –Though when you read it, it seems completely obvious.
“Our hunter-gatherer ancestors survived by collecting pelts, sticks, fibers, hunks of peat – whatever might keep them comfy in their caves. Thousands of years later, acquiring, just like eating, still flips the switch that tells our primitive lizard brains we’re well supplied for hard times. To sustain a balanced buying diet, we must flip the switch without actually accumulating more stuff.”
I’ll read whatever Martha Beck writes, wherever she writes it. This happened to be her monthly article in Oprah magazine.
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I think we have to be careful of labelling ourselves with difficult to quantify problems. I love spending and don’t believe it is a problem. There are a number of people in the world that buy whatever they want whenever they want and are not classed as compulsive spenders – why not use the energy to find out how they do that instead of curing the problem?
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The obstacle (and rationalization) I deal with is if I don’t buy it now, on sale, it’ll either go up in price or (at some places) no longer be available. I attend a Celebrate Recovery program that helps as well. I also agree with the debit vs cash challenge, no paper trail, no clue. Thanks for the great article!
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I really like the idea of the 30-day rule. I’ve started instituting it bit on myself… I’m not really a spendaholic but I do really want to better think through larger purchases (which is anything over $50 for me right now). This wait and think approach just requires me to take a step back and really consciously think before mindless buying.
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