Ask the Readers: How to Talk to Friends and Family About Money?
Published on - March 18th, 2011 (by J.D. Roth) Last spring, Andy submitted a question he hoped readers could help him with. I promised I’d post it…and then went to Alaska for ten days and forgot. Well, Andy’s a patient man. And persistent. Last week, he dropped me a line again because he’s still wondering: How do you give advice about money to your family (and friends)?
Here’s Andy’s story:
My family had plenty of money when I was growing up, but we never talked about the subject.
My father was always very frugal (a trait I inherited, for better or for worse). I had an allowance, which I would sometimes spend on baseball cards, or other times save up for something big in the future. I guess I kind of followed my parents lead and never really bought overly expensive stuff, or much Stuff in general.
My brother is quite a bit different than me. Throughout college (and even post college) he made some common financial decisions for someone that age and ended up with a lot of debt. Even now that he’s older and has a family, I still feel like he struggles with money. I really, really, REALLY want to approach him and offer him some advice, but I just don’t know how. A similar situation exists with my wife’s father and step-mom. Maybe my apprehension is because these family members are older than me? Maybe it’s easier to talk to people about money who I know manage their money well versus people who don’t?
I feel like I’ve done a damn good job at managing my money during my college and first few post-college years. I feel like I have a lot of good knowledge to share, and I could really help my family members, but money seems to be an awkward and touchy subject in our society. I’m not sure if it’s a personal thing or if it’s this way with everyone — talking about personal finance with (most) friends and family is kind of taboo.
What’s a concerned family member to do? Become a professional financial planner? Bite the bullet, take the bull by the horns (insert your cliche of choice here) and just approach my family members honestly and directly?
In his most recent e-mail, Andy told me it’s not just family members he wishes he could talk to, but friends, too.
“I’ve noticed it’s a pretty big issue among friends as well,” he wrote. “I feel like most of my peers lack financial skills and responsibility. (That said, the flip-side of that viewpoint is that I’m just being a cheapskate, saving too much, and people can spend their money however they want!)”
Outside Looking In
This is actually a situation I wrestle with from time to time. I think we all do. I see friends (and family members) who are struggling, and see some obvious things they could do, but I don’t know how to help.
For instance, I have one friend who refuses to accept responsibility for her income. She’s a smart woman, but she lives in squalor. She blames her state on everything and everybody else. She doesn’t see that she could help herself by being willing to work two (or more) jobs, by avoiding the bars, by giving up cigarettes and pot. In her mind, her lousy income just shows how unlucky she is. It’s not her fault. Any practical advice falls on deaf ears.
I have another friend for whom only the best will do. Though his family is pinched financially (they often complain about money), he constantly talks about the new things he wants — and they’re always the most expensive possible examples. He buys (or wants to buy) the most expensive computers, clothes, and kitchen supplies. He eats at the most expensive restaurants. And so on. I’ve tried to offer casual advice — “Maybe you can find a good deal at a thrift store.”, “Let’s eat at the corner cafe.” — but it’s never well received. Instead, I just don’t say anything.
I wonder if that’s how people used to feel about me back when I struggled with debt? Most people never said anything. Maybe they didn’t see the problem, or maybe they didn’t feel it was their place to share.
Talking with Friends and Family About Money
Why is money a taboo topic? Why aren’t more people willing to talk about their finances? I think it’s because nobody likes to be judged. Everyone thinks they’re doing the best they can possibly do — and even if they don’t think that, they don’t like to be called out.
Often, your friends don’t actually think they’re doing the wrong thing. As Andy suggests, they might think you’re a cheapskate. Each person is in a different place. Though you may have friends and family members who could profit from what you’ve learned, if they’re not ready to listen, you run the risk of doing more harm than good when you offer advice.
In the past, I’ve recommended the following as subtle ways you can help someone who’s struggling:
- Lead by example. Suggest cutting back on the family gift exchange this year. When you go out to dinner with a friend, choose cheaper alternatives. Bring home books and CDs and DVDs from the library. Don’t make a big deal out of things — just do them. Rather than goad your friends and family into saving, be an example of what can happen through smart money choices. (I talk excitedly about how cutting back on other stuff has allowed me travel, for instance.)
- Be willing to answer questions. When I was struggling with debt and poor choices, I could see that certain people in my life (such as my wife) had their finances under control. Sometimes I would ask questions. I asked my cousin about mutual funds, and he explained them to me. For a time, I even put money into them. (Then I pulled it out to buy a computer.) Be available as a resource.
- Use the soft sell. When my friend Michael listened to my complaints about money in 2003, he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He told me his financial story, and then mentioned a book he liked called Your Money or Your Life. He didn’t lecture. He didn’t try to convert me. He simply spent a few minutes explaining how he’d solved his problems, and then he let it go. A few days later, a copy of Your Money or Your Life appeared in my mailbox, and I knew it was from him. That was enough.
I’m curious how other Get Rich Slowly readers have handled this kind of situation. How do you encourage your family and friends to make smart choices with money without making them defensive or angry? What mistakes have you made in the past? What techniques have you found that work? Does a person have to hit rock bottom before they’re ready to listen?
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I think most people commenting here are in the same situation as Andy, JD, and me… that is – we feel we have control of our finances and advice that would help others. However, actually helping is harder than it sounds. Here are two quick examples from my life:
Friend and I sat down and did her budget, found ways she could save for a trip, and even have some left over for rental insurance. Friend went on trip, didn’t get rental insurance, and her place burned down and she lost everything. After fire, I told her she should really get it now. She said she has no need, as everything is gone. *Head hits wall*
Brother and I sat down – he wants to travel to Japan and the Netherlands in a few years. Went over his budget. I asked where the “missing” $20-40 a month went (hey, that can add up) and he said “well I need my pot money”. *head hits wall* *big sigh*
So there are always people that, even when we try to give advice, and they seem open to it, won’t follow it. The best advice, as given above, is to try and remain open and optimistic and live by example.
My last thing to say: If you have people in your life that you love or care about that have less common sense about money than is good for them – DO NOT LOAN THEM MONEY. Or at least, have a specific plan for getting it back or write it off as a gift – but giving them money help won’t help you or them. Advice, sure, but don’t hurt yourself to “help” them.
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There is nothing worse than be lectured to by a former overspender, overeater, or smoker who has seen the light. Especially if they were in exactly the same place you are a week, month, or even year ago.
Your suggestions are spot on. Lead by example and be willing to answer questions. And know when to let it go.
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@ MelodyO
Your comment cracked me up as I have said the same thing to friends/relatives who have made similar comments, and they have had similar reactions. I don’t think it was mean you were just pointing out to him that he obviously was not making seeing a dentist a priority.
Like my friends I spoke of before who rolled their $4k couches into their 30 year mortgage bc they couldn’t afford it otherwise. He needs medication for a minor medical issue, but claims he “can’t afford it” as I am staring at his brand new house, very new cars and watching him play on his iPhone.
We all make priorites with our money and that’s ok. I just wish that sometimes people would see how silly this sort of situation can look to others. But as it’s been said before, people will not change until *they* want to. I am just thankful that sites and commenters like those on here made me want to change a little sooner in life than some of my peers.
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I think its important to recognise what some consumer goods can mean to people these days and symbolise for them. As may be shown in the examples of :
the friend ‘for whom only the best will do’, his family is pinched financially and he always wants to buy the most expensive possible examples, buys the most expensive computers, clothes, and kitchen supplies, eats at the most expensive restaurants
the sister having a second baby, buying new dining room chairs
the husband’s nephew with the brand new iPhone
Peoples feelings about options and outcomes vary and being in “the best financial position” does not always represent “the most gain” for some. Its down to individual philosophies about life.
And some people are more driven by the messages of advertising than others – and some peoples social circles are more judgemental of what they buy than others.
My advice is: Give your advice to people who are asking, if you are a good example of financial contentment they probably will. OCCASIONALLY unsolicited advice might be a good idea, but you either have to be really good at predicting other peoples interests (their version, not your idea of whats important to them) or listen really really hard to what they would consider a good outcome.
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I’d get Dave Ramsey’s book “Total Money Makeover” and bring it with me if I visited and then casually “forget” it at their home. That way, they can look through it at their convenience. Or I’d have the book lying around on my kitchen or living room table for those that visit me and want to look at it.
I’ve tried speaking to my sister about her habits. In the past, she has called me at work looking for a loan. When she left the country she left me in charge of paying her bills but would call me and say not to pay them as she spent the money and her latest is buying 2 timeshares and then trying to sell them as the dues are $800/year and her husband is out of work. She refuses to listen to any of my advice so I just keep telling her that I’m not giving her any more money and good luck with her situations. I sent her a money makeover book and she has not said a thing about it to me. We don’t live near each other but I hope she at least looked at the book!
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I think giving someone an unsolicited personal finance book is really condescending. If I were the recipient of a “gift” like that, I would be pissed off.
It would be like giving a fat person a DVD set of The Biggest Loser as a gift.
“Merry Christmas, you’re fat, and we both know it, but I am too nice to say anything to your face so here’s my Christmas gift because I care so much and I’m such a good person!”
Barf.
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LOL @ the woman who was shocked by the nephew with an iPhone but no teeth (okay that is an exaggeration).
I think it’s okay to show your emotions sometimes when people do shocking things. First, you can’t help it. And second, maybe it’ll get them thinking.
In my humble opinion, we just have to accept that we cannot control other people. I have a friend with money problems, and I have offered to help her make a budget or to talk through any issues if she would like. She knows I’m here for her, but I’m not going to push it. No one appreciates being lectured to by people who think they know better.
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I’m 25 so my immediate group of friends are in the 25-28 year old range, they are all bad with money. A friend of mine put a 20k wedding on credit just last year. I work for a financial retirement company so I’m itching to tell them about saving, IRAs, 401ks, ROTHs, but no one asks!
I’m paying off debt and should be debt free by next year. All the while saving, I guess I’m trying to lead by example.
Only one friend has asked for my advice, everyone else is quiet about their financial situations, except for the side comments of “I’m broke!” But then they’re the ones suggesting we go out to eat or party.
It is like losing weight! Eat right and exercise, it’s easier to maintain then lose weight. Same thing with debt, keep digging yourself a hole and it’ll be harder to get out of.
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I’m in the camp that thinks that leading by example is the best option. It’s pretty much the only way you won’t come across as an overbearing know-it-all. I think just about the farthest you can go is to let them know that you care about them, and that if they ever want advice or somebody to talk to about their problems, you’ll be there for them.
It’s worth mentioning, however, that leading by example is also the hardest option. It’s really, really difficult to watch somebody you care about make stupid mistakes, especially when you feel like you could have helped them avoid those mistakes.
I’ve been going through this with my fiancee in regards to fitness. I eat healthy and exercise regularly, while she eats whatever is most convenient and hasn’t broken a sweat in at least 3 weeks. Despite her strong desire to lose a few pounds and have more energy, and the fact that she knows exactly what she needs to do to accomplish those goals, she can’t seem to motivate herself to get up off of her butt and do what she needs to do. In the past, I’ve tried lots of things — I’ve offered advice on nutrition and exercise, I’ve come up with systems that reward both of us for exercising regularly, I’ve suggested articles for her to read and offered to show her some things in the kitchen and the gym. None of it has worked for more than a week or two, and all of it has ended with both of us being mad. She gets upset because she feels like I’m judging her, and I get upset because I feel like I’m the one putting in all the time and energy to try to motivate her towards reaching her own goals.
The bottom line is that the best thing I can do for her is continue to live my life in a healthy way, continue to show her love and support, and be ready to offer suggestions or assistance whenever she is ready. She sees the benefits that being healthy gives me, and whenever she figures out that those things are worth more than that extra hour in front of the TV, I’ll be ready to help her. Until then, any more advice or bugging on my part would just serve to drive her away and entrench her in a defensive mindset.
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One point I haven’t seen mentioned yet is that you probably don’t know all the details of your friends & family finances and you may be assuming wrong. Just cause they complain or do some stupid things doesn’t mean they are really in bad shape or don’t know better. They could be complaining just to complain or they could look financially challenged on the surface but be pretty well off in reality.
Examples:
* My cousin used to complain about being poor. Eventually I found out she had a pile of cash in the bank and was making double payments on her mortgage. Her ‘poor’ is not real poor. I honestly *think* it was just an attempt by her to get free meals from family.
* My dad complains about taxes. Yet he pays fairly low taxes but has a good income. He has nothing to complain about. He just likes to complain about taxes. If you offer tax saving advice he doesn’t want to do any of that. Theres really no problem to fix other than his desire to whine about his taxes.
* My friend appeared very poor and had trouble paying bills and carries credit card debts occasionally. Yet I didn’t realize he maxed his 401k and had a large pile of company stock he’d accumulated over 10 years.
And those are the only details I know for sure, he might have other expenses or other assets I don’t know about.
* It can work the other way, people may assume things about you that are wrong. I have rentals. I’ve owned them for several years. One day my friend asked me about the mortgages on my rentals. I don’t have a mortgage on those rentals. He had just assumed I’d financed them but I actually bought them with cash.
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I agree with Alexandra that it is very confrontational to give someone a finance book as a gift unprovoked. It’s surprising to me that anyone would find this a subtler or gentle approach. Would you feel the same way if a Christian gave a Jew a book on how to be saved? It’s pretty much the same thing.
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It really seems to bug my sister and her husband when we don’t buy new furniture, new clothes, and new cars. We’re just happy with what we have and happy to watch our savings grow. They make the same amount we do, but they have all new everything, and live in a very expensive house in a very expensive neighborhood where they have to “keep up with the Joneses.” My brother-in-law complained that the floor lamps in our living room “looked like they were at a yard sale” because they were old and mismatched, and thought we needed a better dining room table for him to sit at when he came over to eat.
I just shrug it off. My sister has two small children and has to keep working her high-stress, high-travel job to pay for their lifestyle. I work full-time because I enjoy it, not because I have to, and I’m planning to cut back to part-time work within two years, once our house is paid off. Frankly I think she’s jealous that we’re happy, relaxed, and debt-free, and I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t have the kind of freedom we have. I hope she can stand up to her husband and tell him that “the Joneses” are less important than their daughters and their happiness.
I know tone is very difficult in electronic media, and I would like to be clear that I really do mean this, I love and like my sister, and I am not being sarcastic.
<3
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I have several friends who are close enough that we share about income, debts, savings, big purchases, our goals, our little (or big)emergencies … basically anything. I feel quite fortunate to have 5 people outside my own household who trust me enough and who *I* trust enough to have these conversations with! We do ask each other for advice, mostly on little things, all the time.
Only one of these folks is worse off than me. He’s also 15 years younger and I am trying to lead by example. I have told him all the stupid sh*t I did between 20-35 and told him all the tricks I’ve used to fix my situation up since then.
The biggest/best thing I told him about was my decision to switch to cash basis. If I didn’t have the money in the checking account, I simply didn’t buy anything. Complete credit blackout for a year. It was miraculous.
And I told him when I finally paid off the big CC debt I’d been fighting for years. How good it felt to have more in savings than I owed on a credit cards. How good to finally be building assets.
He’s a smart guy and I think he will be a big success once he gets a firm idea of how he wants his life to look. I’m trying to provide an example that’s achievable (same kind of work, same income range).
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Megan- Great advice about the loans. I wish I had been given that advice a few years go before loaning money to my financially (and generally) irresponsible boyfriend. Ugh, it makes me sick to think of how much I’ve wasted on him. For me, leading by example has not worked. The only thing that has made a difference so far was that I stopped giving him money. Funny… once the First Bank of Girlfriend was closed, he was suddenly able to pick up more hours at work! Baby steps…
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@ #40 — Are you serious? Your husband was ranting at you because ***you paid off the [joint] mortgage with your own separate money***? That takes some serious chutzpah in my book.
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Andy, you should start a free blog! Tell your friends and relatives about it and then they can come and sample whenever they are so inclined. It sounds like you’re dying to share what you’ve learned, so this might be the way to go.
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I am curious what JD’s friends thought of his spendaholic ways before he reformed?
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The issue is talks about money are never really about money. They are about lifestyle choices. How do you tell someone that they’re living their life wrong without offending them?
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@ #40 — Are you serious? Your husband was ranting at you because ***you paid off the [joint] mortgage with your own separate money***? That takes some serious chutzpah in my book.
That makes perfect sense to me.
Imagine you have an $80,000 mortgage balance, $100,000 in savings, a $2,000 mortgage payment, and $2,000/month in other living expenses.
In this situation you have a little over 2 years of living expenses in savings.
What if you pay off the mortgage?
You no longer have the mortgage payment, but you no longer have the savings, either. Now you’ve only got 10 months of living expenses in savings.
Seems like a dumb move when you’re out of work, unless you really have so much savings that it makes no difference, but not many people are in that scenario.
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I just offer advice when my friends and I are in “serious conversation” mode. sometimes we commiserate with each other. At other times, we come up with strategies to save more money. I think that friends who do not listen to good advice have it coming. Ultimately, they are responsible for their lives and their money… if they listen to advice, well and good. If I had given a piece of advice, at least i know i did my part as their friend.
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I have this problem with my brother and my younger cousin. They are both graduating from college (with student loans) so I have shared my mis-steps so they will hopefully learn about it. I just tell them, “Hey, I’m still figuring stuff out and what is true for me, may not be true for you. But I just want to be open about my career and financial decisions so you won’t make the same mistakes.”
They seem pretty good about listening and since I keep my mouth shut most of the rest of the time (and poke fun at myself)…
I also think framing it with ‘career’ advice and ‘financial advice’ is better than just focusing on their finances.
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I don’t give advice, I’ll rather give help.
But since I don’t have that much time to give help….I don’t do either.
Advice is easy. It doesn’t take five minutes for someone to sprout a load of wisdom/bullshit/life lessons. Yes, yes, it COULD be useful knowledge.
But who’s going to bear the responsibility of the results? The person who gives the advice or the person who follows it? Especially if it’s advice that doesn’t really apply, and is in fact harmful?
Help is hard. You have to sweat and spend time/money to improve someone else’s circumstances.
Thus, I’ll rather shut up and help (if I see that the person is worthy of help). Unless if the person actively asks me and wants to listen – which doesn’t seem to happen all that often..
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If it’s a friend and it bothers you that much, is it really a friendship worth having?
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I certainly don’t profess to know all the answers, and we’ve only been on this journey for a relatively short time. I try not to give unsolicited advice and keep my own counsel save my spouse, so I rarely ask for advice. I’ve been ravenously devouring many different personal finance resources and that builds my confidence all the while increasing my knowledge base.
Here are a few of my experiences….
When my cousin graduated from high school, we gave her $75 and a copy of The Wealthy Barber; I think it’s written in a REALLY accessible style. I also encouraged her to avoid credit while in college and readily shared that I’ve made dumb mistakes with it. I don’t think she read the book and she rarely takes initiative. One time she could not afford a textbook – I challenged her to find it cheaper than at her college bookstore, not a hard feat considering those exorbitant prices, she did not even check out Amazon even though I provided a link. However, she can spend hours on end on Facebook. My mother also asked for her address to send care packages, and she barely provided that. She also does not work, I worked through both undergraduate and graduate school. I opted to keep my money, I am not going to enable indolence.
My aunt is on a fixed income. She wants to live vicariously thru me and assumes because of the career track I’m on and my husband’s job we should buy a big house. My aunt even asked “Did you guys move!?” – I retorted “Why would we, we have more than enough space”. She huffed. I don’t have time to impress broke people.
My husband’s professional colleagues have asked if we rent or own. I said rent. People sometimes act like renting is a sign of stupidity. One guy he works with excitedly told about the $8000 tax incentive to buy, as if that is sufficient enough reason to buy a house. I just had a blank look on my face and ignored him. I am carrying six figures worth of debt from grad school, regrettably, and I’m suppose to buy a house because of $8000!?!?! *%&$^#&@*@!!!
My mom wanted us to live in a very affluent neighborhood. She was lukewarm about some of the starter neighborhoods we were considering. I have had to educate her about the debt that I have.
Another relative told me that we could move in four years if we do this and that – I don’t care, we don’t have a benevolent father in law who gives us thousands a dollars at will, someone she had amnesia and thought they were able to accomplish what they have all on their own
Whew-I really, really tried to write a short post. The take-away is I have matured to the point to not care what things look like, I only care about how things ARE. Normal is broke. Normal is overextended. Normal is a shaky underfunded retirement. Normal is a car payment. Normal is keep student loans around for a decade. We’re decidedly abnormal. There are only a few friends that I have who can appreciate our path…….
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I have not even entered in the “friends realm” when it comes to money (advice) conversations, except to share excitement at paying off a debt early. If they ask how, I’ll give them general information and offer resources (Dave Ramsey, getrichslowly, thesimpledollar, YNAB, etc.), but I don’t push or do follow ups.
My family on the other hand, I can’t help but try to offer them advice or drop some subtle and sometimes not so subtle hints. I love them. I worry about them, and I’d like to see them live with less stress and more happiness. I’d really like to see my parents be able to retire and enjoy their retirement without stress about money! I stress MORE about their future than I do my own. I’m not trying to be judgmental or condescending when I want to help them.
So far, they aren’t fully on board the “get out of debt” train, but my Mom has mentioned a couple times she’s “going to do that debt snowball thing you do.” I’ve offered to help whenever she decides that she’s ready, if she wants my help. In this case, since she has mentioned an interest, I may actually buy her some of the books I’ve read from the library- or buy them for myself and lend them to her. There are some I’d like to buy as keepers anyway, so it’d be less of “hard sell” if I was just lending them. Thinking about this has me thinking that buying these books should maybe be pushed a little higher up the ‘budget priority list’.
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I do know I wish someone had brought this up with me earlier in my life. I can’t know for sure if it would have helped me change, but I do wonder if they could have prodded me in the right direction.
Possibly getting me to start to track my accounts in one place could have moved me along the path. That way it’s not advice how to change, but just to know how I was actually doing.
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I agree with jim (#60). Sometimes you don’t know all the details. I had a friend who used to complain that he didn’t have any money while in grad school but I would see him at the bar all the time, going out to eat etc. I figured he was spending money he didn’t have but I later came to find out that he didn’t have any debt and had enough money saved that when his car died he was able to buy a used one in cash. He just didn’t have much left over and was anxious to finish school so he could get a better job. He was able to cover all his bases and save/invest some money each month while in grad school. It is the reverse of the family that looks like they have everything under control but are actually up to their eye balls in debt. There are plenty of other people who may not look or sound like they have it all together but have some sort of plan or system that works for them.
Everyone has different priorities and you may think that someone saying they can’t go on vacation because they don’t have the money is being irresponsible because they go out to eat 4 nights a week but maybe they have decided that going out to eat is more important to them than travel. They may still wish they could do both but have decided at this time they would rather spend the money in a different way than you would.
Obviously there are some situations with family or really close friends where you may know all the details or if it is a situation where they talk about their debt load but for the most part just remember that even if someone does not do something exactly the way you would does not mean they are wrong.
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That’s tricky. I think everyone is responsible for their own situation, even if it is losing a job and not having any other source of income. I’ve been there too. It doesn’t mean outside factors are involved, but the common denominator is you. And when you fall on hard times, and you don’t take it as an opportunity to finally do that ‘something better’ with your life, then that’s about your own accountability as well.
I tend to try to lead by example, which tends to make people want to talk to me. I flat out say I’m trying to be frugal if we’re having a tight month, so say no to dinner, but invite them over or say I’m up for a drink somewhere at happy hour. Other times I buy friends a drink when I know they’re down in the financial dumps.
I talk about how I budget, or bring up seeking out frequent flyer miles to afford trips, or that I’m glad we didn’t buy a home after all and kept renting b/c of the financial benefits.
I try to incorporate healthy financial grounding into my life and offer to listen whenever someone wants to talk. I might give a few suggestions, or I might send them a blog on personal finance, or suggest a resource. But ultimately it’s really up to them and them alone.
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It’s hard to watch people struggle financially and say nothing but you hit the nail on the head; they have to be ready to listen. Otherwise – despite your good intentions – your ideas might sound preachy or judgemental or simply unattainable.
What I have done (with strategic couponing) is let my friends know that if they have any questions, I’d be happy to sit down with them. A few have taken me up on it; some have said they aren’t ready yet.
I think it’s important to remember, too, that talking about money is such an emotionally charged issue (one that often has roots in the person’s childhood), especially for couples, and that can make it even harder for people to “hear” what advice you’re offering.
Great post, great question. Thanks for sharing!
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My siblings ALL think our point is right and the others have misplaces priorities. I’m married and together we make $40K-not much but with no consumer or school loan debt (not b/c I paid it-I went straight into the workforce) we live comfortably and fund retirement. My older sister makes 120K but can’t keep her lights on. She won’t listen to me bc I’m poor, I won’t listen to her bc she is aparently crazy. Our brother is in debt and digging but his family are citizens of the World-they live a life of such amazement, the ‘imaginary weight’ of debt does not bug him at all. He thinks both of us are depriving our familys as Sis only gives hers material goods and me as we save and don’t go out ever
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I have that kind of situation with my brother, who’s an actor. He has no family or mortgage, he’s not a spendthrift, and since he’s still supported by our parents to some degree he’s not desperate. But he’s 36 and still seems to have no idea how things work. I think while he’s trying to hit it big in his profession– and even if he never does, as many don’t– some alternative sources of income would smooth his life out considerably. I haven’t stepped in much, but I did give him Your Money Or Your Life and Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad, Poor Dad. (The latter I think makes getting rich sound easier than it is, but it’s still valuable in framing the basics of how and why to get richer.)
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When it’s my own family I don’t mind being blunt and saying “you need to open a Roth IRA you know” to a sibling or “I hope you’re saving for retirement so I don’t have to bathe you one day” to my parents (half jokingly of course). But when it comes to friends or people I don’t know as well, I find that acting like you need/needed help too can be a much more effective approach. When a friend complains about her cash flow or mentions credit card debt, sometimes I say things like “I read about this cool thing called the debt snowball that really helped me – listen to how it works!” or “I read a really great book on how to deal with that; if you’re interested I could lend you my copy!” And then give them your favorite simple PF book by David Bach or Suze Orman or Dave Ramsay or whatever.
But if it’s a serious issue and you are concerned, I think it’s appropriate to say so – just like you would if a friend’s smoking or drinking or weight was getting out of control. Offer advice, support, or just general concern – whatever you think is best.
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