This guest post from Kerry is part of the “reader stories” feature at Get Rich Slowly. Some reader stories contain general advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all levels of financial maturity and with all sorts of incomes.
Hello. My name is Kerry. I’m 26, and I’m the sole provider in my household — and have been for the last three years while my husband pursues his life-long goal of getting a college education.
I met my husband four years ago. At the time, he was working as an XM Radio district manager in Florida. Three months later, they closed his department and he got a job right away at a call center. That job was horrible, though, so he left after a month to take another job as a waiter. (Do you see where this is going?)
I lived in Michigan, so this was definitely a long-distance relationship. Soon, though, we knew were going to get married. We began discussing life goals, and he said he someday wanted to go back to college. It was my turn, and I told him that if he wanted to, I’d support him financially if he chose to go back to school, but that he had to graduate within five years of us getting married. He flew up three weeks later and applied to the community college in my county. Three months later, he moved up to good ol’ Michigan and became a full-time student. (In between, he proposed.) After a year, he transferred to a four-year college nearby and commutes every day.
My husband holds down a part-time job to pay for his own gas and the internet bill. But in my eyes, his only real job is to be a full-time student. Of course he helps with housework and cooking; but honestly, I don’t even care if he does that. He knows that he’s an equal in the marriage, helping equally in every aspect (where he can). He’s a great husband and very supportive of my own ambitions.
I, on the other hand, pretty much take care of everything and let him get good grades (3.85 — high honors — woot woot!). I hold down a full-time job as a teacher. I’m even taking classes and will graduate this month with my Master’s degree. But I’m used to the pressures, craziness, and time management challenges. He’s not. Unlike him, I got to experience college right out of high school (thanks, Mom and Dad!). He, on the other hand, is 35 and never had the experience. I think everyone deserves that opportunity.
Here’s the most important part. I hope someone out there in blog-land can relate. If not, try.
I grew up in a semi-happy, semi-miserable household. My mom and dad fought a lot about money. Later in life, I realized it was because my dad didn’t ever felt successful in the career — or 20 careers — that he’s held over the years. He didn’t have a formal education after high school, but my mom has her BA and just recently added another degree into the mix. My parents have been married for over 28 years, and when I look back at my childhood, I realize that my mom did most of the raising and was always steady, while my dad was off trying something new. He still hasn’t found his “niche”, and I doubt he ever will. (My dad has doubts, too.)
I didn’t want this to be my life. I want to be a provider — but I want an equal provider in my spouse. Although I know that we’ll probably fight about money, at least I won’t have to worry about him feeling less worthy. I want an equal. I want to disqualify education and money as “argument” topics. I want to have a good marriage to someone who is happy with his career and happy with his life. This education, for my husband, will give him a stronghold in both.
So, I decided to support my husband in his pursuit of a B.S. in Aviation Management. I’m proud to say that he’ll be graduating in May of 2012 and will even have completed an internship (unpaid, of course). He’ll even have his VFR, IFR, Commercial, Multi-Engine Commercial and Certified Flight Instructor pilot ratings when he’s finished. He can mark a college education off his bucket list and he can fly me anywhere I want!
More than that, he’ll be happy. And we all know happiness in a professional life tumbles over into a personal life. Meanwhile, I can mark a happy marriage off of my bucket list.
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Good for you Kerry. Last year, at age 38, my best friend enrolled full-time in college. She is able to do it because she has her husband’s support, and they anticipate she’ll be able to get a job in a lucrative field and have healthier family finances in the long run. I hope you and your husband continue to work well together – on your marriage, your finances, your career paths and whatever else comes your way.
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I’m currently a sugar mama too. 4 months after we got married, my husband quit his job and started on his degree. It’s been 3 years now, and he’s done with school & starting to look for a job. He also needs to take some certification exams. I’m thrilled that he decided, COMPLETELY on his own, to go back to school and do something new. He wanted something better for himself and, he says, better for us. I hope that his new career will be as fulfilling as he hopes it will be.
He was able to do it because we cut back on some bills, and were able to live on my income. I have been MORE than happy to support him during this time.
However, do not assume that if you’re happy in your job, you will automatically be happy in your marriage. Everyone is different. I’ve seen people (like my husband, a few years ago) who HATE their jobs, but they leave their job at the office…they may vent to their significant other, but it doesn’t affect their marriage. Other people let the terrible job spill over into the marriage. Likewise, lots of other things can kill a marriage, too.
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Thank you SO MUCH for this article. At the moment, I work full time and my husband is in school. (graduating in August! Yay!)
Since we live in Mexico, the culture doesn’t seem to accept the idea that I pay for everything. Several of my friends have already commented on the fact that I pay whenever we go out, which is very hurtful for me. Because he’s not contributing financially, they see him as a lazy mooch (and they’re not afraid to tell me, either). I tell friends that he’s studying, finishing internships, managing our finances, doing some sales on the side, and doing ALL of the household chores… but to no avail.
I guess it’s all just part of the “machismo” in the local culture, but I can’t wait for him to start working in a few months so I can avoid the comments.
Glad to know I’m not alone in the Sugar Mama category!
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I appreciate this post and agree that it’s high time that we stopped worrying about whether the woman or the man is the main bread winner. The one thing I would caution against is the idea that a college degree will automatically make the husband “happy” and salaried. My husband and I are both highly and similarly educated, yet he is without work and in a similar situation as the author’s father, due to the current economy and its profound effects particularly on male workers. The concept put forth is a good one, but how it will actually play out is not guaranteed.
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Kerry:
Good for you and your husband! This is a great story that should be told more often. People can really get stuck on gender roles, and I think what you are doing is simplyt part of what being a supportive, caring partner is all about. You are demonstrating what it means to actively love someone and you are not only investing in your husband, but also your future together. Thanks for sharing your story; I think you made a smart and corageous choice. I’m sorry you are getting so many negative comments; it’s quite shocking, actually. I think all of these cautionary tales others are sharing prove that people should beware of who they choose as life partners, not skimp on BEING a good partner.
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Also, this is not a story about how a college degree will buy you happiness, it’s about this woman supporting her husband in realizing his dream. He wanted to get a degree, and it’s happening–mission accomplished. People should not ever be cautioning other people against being happy; that is a terrible and presumptuous position to take.
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Welcome to the club, Kerry — I did the same for about 2 years while DH got his BBA at Berkeley (he did his first “2 years” in the Navy and community college while working full time).
We later decided that it made more sense for him to be the stay-at-home parent when our kids were born, and he got his MBA during his first 2.5 years as a stay-at-home parent.
He’s now running a business we started and doing most of the kid-wrangling, so we’re both back to full-time-plus work, and he’s using those business degrees!
We’ve been married more than 17 years, and we went in planning to have periods of earning more and less and the same together.
We try to be careful and respectful about sharing all “our money” — I even say things like “we got a job!” and “we got paid”. He’d kill me if I called myself his “sugar mama”.
Different strokes!
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Sounds great! I have been putting my husband through school for the past 2 1/2 years that we have been married. He has had a part time job, making about 1/5 of what I make, so most of our expenses are covered by me. Although I have had to fight feelings of resentment at times, I am now pregnant and he has just graduated. The baby is due in September, at which time I get to be a stay-at-home Mom while he takes his turn (probaly until he retires) as primary provider. Being a stay at home Mom is my dream, and he wants nothing more than to provide for his family and allow me to be home with our kids, so it’s a win-win situation. It has been a sacrafice, but well worth it. We are looking forward to the next phase of our lives together, continuing to work as a team.
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i put my spouse through an associate’s degree program while i was finishing my doctorate. it was a logistical challenge, there were some long-distance issues and two-household challenges, along with a whole host of other things i won’t go into.
the exhilaration of clearing this path for him was really something. it was great for him, because he knew what career path he wanted and he was going for it. it was great for me to see him get to live out his dream. to lend him a hand-up when he had done all he could to help me earlier in our life together. graduation day was wonderful. we reveled in that for weeks.
1.5 years of unemployment for a new grad (despite being well-prepared with 10 years in a closely aligned field, being top of his graduating class in the #2 ranked school in the field, a major-challenge certification that maybe 20% of the field holds, and a successful internship at one of the nation’s top locations) pretty much wrecked that nice shiny finish. and when you’ve built up SKY HIGH expectations, as we did, things just have that much farther to fall.
those expectations… they got us through the day to day hard times in school, the financial squeeze, and clarified our hopes for the future. they got us to the finish line for both our degrees. but they were the worst thing we did to ourselves in the long run, because they just weren’t realistic. we went through some very hard times on many fronts during this period, and those perceptions were corrected for us.
i say this not to overstate the difficulties of making this post-educational transition or the post-single-earner transition or any of this. in fact, everything has finally come together for us. no, i am sharing this because i see you holding that kind of expectation for your future because of what you’re doing today.
as a result, and recall i’ve been there in those shoes (i attended his graduation and then turned around and defended my phd a couple months later at age 26), you do come off as someone who’s in for a hard dose of reality in the very near future. your exuberant optimism is beautiful, but it is not yet thoroughly tempered by the hammer and anvil that is life going off course a little.
so keep on moving forward. you’re on a good track. but also realize that you have a lot to learn and things never turn out exactly as you’d imagined. marriage is never going to be a check-the-box item. (this is not a direct function of love and respect for each other, compatibility, or anything. two people sharing a life can be work.) neither is career, education, any of it. the transition is going to be harder than you expect. temper your perceptions- you don’t need to be as jaded as i may appear in this comment, but just be prepared for anything. you never know what tomorrow holds.
best of luck to ya.
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I only read the first half of the comments, but I was struck by how most of them expressed some worry/reservations about your husband not working/gaining an income for a few years while you supported him.
Yet I remember a different post on GRS in the last year where the *woman* in a couple made the decision to “stay home” indefinitely and not focus on her career while letting her husband support her, and most of the comments were supportive and even glorifying of her choice. Despite the fact that she was killing her career options, future earning potential, and retirement.
So what’s the difference? I think we have to recognize that is a strong societal gender bias to our expectations about the earning & career potential in a couple: the man is expected to work and earn as much as possible, but society doesn’t expect the same from the woman in a couple.
Personally, I think women should think more carefully about making the decision to stay home and not work. Ask yourself, if it was my husband who wanted to quit working, what would I think about that?
Quitting your career is a HUGE move–no one should do it without really thinking it over, and especially making sure that you aren’t just responding to some irrelevant societal bias about what are “appropriate” gender roles in a couple.
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I think it’s a shame that the first thing many GRS readers think about when reading this is that Kerry should be better prepared for divorce. I also think it’s sad that someone who’s happy in her marriage is almost automatically considered “naive.” Just because she didn’t choose to share their arguments doesn’t mean they don’t have them!
She and her husband have done many things right – they’re living on one income, they’re investing in themselves, and they’ve done research to figure out how to get themselves where they want career-wise. I don’t think either of them feel this is going to make life just filled with roses and puppies and rainbows – but it gives them a TON of options to live life as they want to!
So many people are locked in to being in their job, not able to get more school unless it’s part-time, and living beyond their means. I applaud Kerry and her husband for their smart choices. I don’t applaud GRS readers for the tone of the comments… it seems as if many (who are perhaps jealous?) have simply skimmed the article for faults to pick on instead of realizing the positives about the financial future.
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Great article! I loved reading about an “unconventional” marriage and how it’s working for you.
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I haven’t read all the comments but I was really happy to see this post. I make more than my husband and much of his income goes to old debt, so I am responsible for many of our shared expenses. I spent a lot of time early in our relationship coming to terms with the fact that things would never be “fair” financially; but now I have done it and it’s so worth it. People seem to forget sometimes that we don’t marry our spouses for their money (especially husbands! the whole “provider” thing is hard to shake) but there are other things that people contribute to a partnership that may not be measurable, or that others may not understand. But it’s working for us right now!
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My bf grew up playing video games and wanted to learn how to program his own so he started getting interested in programming.
His dad was a programmer and he had a lot of programming books in the house, my bf started reading his dad’s programming books at age 10 and started learning how to program.
My bf did this throughout his teen years in the 90s, after h.s. graduation my bf got his first job at 18 programming for a company. It was a foot in the door.
Anyway my bf is a programmer at another company, he’s 31 and they’re paying for his bachelor’s degree. It wasn’t always easy for him in his 20s without a bachelor’s degree, but he did it.
Learning something on your own, seeing if someone is willing to give you a shot, and gaining experience at various companies. Now his current company is paying for him to get his degree. He’s been there for five years now.
I’m really proud of him because he did it without debt and without loans. He’s never been in debt even when he was financially struggling. My bf is intelligent, cute, and a great and trustful and wonderful guy.
So please don’t judge people without a formal education. Some people don’t want to take on loans for massive debt. IMO an education shouldn’t be confused for schooling.
Anyway, I’m happy for the writer. I don’t think I could do what she is doing. I’d rather be in a relationship where both of us work. I like earning my own money and so does he.
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I’ve enjoyed a lot of the reader stories I’ve read, and this is no exception. You seem like a real team, working together. You’ve offered a commitment to him and he is doing his part in meeting what you have asked of him. You can’t ask for much more than that.
I wish you both all the very best for the future.
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I think a few posters have already stated this, but be careful about making assumptions that a degree will make you a happy worker, or a person with a degree will make more money or be a happier spouse. I think your heart was in the right place with regard to wanting to let him experience getting the degree – just be careful about the assumptions you have associated with it.
My wife has a degree and I do not – yet I still make much more money that she does and we are still happy. My ability to make the money I do has nothing to do with the level of formal education I received, but that I know how to market my skills better than her and most others in my peer group. A few years ago, I began coaching my wife on marketing her skills and worth and she has since gotten significant raises (and has more self worth too).
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I had mixed feelings when I read this article.
On the up side, I think it’s great that you and your husband budget well enough that you can live on a teacher’s salary. That discipline will benefit you down the road, especially if you start a family later.
Also, if this all works out it sounds like your husband will have a much better career and the two of you will be in a much better place financially.
On the other side, there were a few red flags that hit me while I was reading. First was that you offered to pay for his education before you guys even got married. (Although I realize you are married now). I agree with some of the other posters that there could a risk that you will never see the rewards if you guys end up divorced. A friend of mine paid for his girlfriends college up until she graduated, at which point she dumped him. You guys are married, so you have more commitment, but unfortunately there are a lot of divorces out there which make this scenario possible. Maybe you’ve taken that into consideration and think he’s worth the risk. That’s okay.
That might not have bothered me as much as the fact that he doesn’t do many chores. That sets a bad precedent. In my first marriage, I did all the housework at the beginning because I didn’t have a fulltime job yet. After that, my hubby refused to help out even after he was laid off and doing nothing. (Meanwhile I was working full-time). I really resented that and it’s part of the reason he’s my ex. I am remarried now and my current husband and I happily share the chores. We treat each other as equals. It just seems to me that if he is getting a free education out of this, he needs to help you out in return to keep the responsibilities balanced. Once he starts working full-time he may not be willing to help out if he hasn’t had to before.
I hope all of this works out for you in the log run. Keep up the good budgeting work!
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i think what the lady is trying to say is she noticed her husband wasnt happy and wanted to help him out with something that WILL give him satisfaction in his life. Proud of her efforts to be a good wife. Always an inspiration to see couples that care that much about each other <3
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