Ask the Readers: How Can I Handle “Required” Office Spending?
Published on - May 27th, 2011 (by J.D. Roth) “Money is more about mind than it is about math.” — That’s one of the fifteen tenets of the Get Rich Slowly philosophy. By this I mean that psychology and emotion and relationships play a bigger part in our financial choices than the pure mathematics of any given situation.
This manifests itself in lots of ways. Sometimes, it even crops up in the workplace. A reader we’ll call Erin wrote recently with the following dilemma:
I bought a house right after I graduated college, at the peak of the housing bubble. I didn’t give a rip about my spending because I believed $40,000 was a comfortable salary and I should be able to enjoy it as I pleased. Well, I couldn’t stand the job and quit after one year. Four years later, I’ve yet to make it close to a $40,000 salary again and I’m still saddled with my mortgage.
Here’s my dilemma: Now that I’m carefully tracking every penny I spend (and saving too!), I find it increasingly difficult and annoying to participate in office parties. I’m talking about birthday parties, going-away parties, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. where I’m asked to either buy a gift or food, or pitch in money for same.
I feel like I’ve made it clear to co-workers, past and present, that I’m watching what I spend very closely by bringing my lunch everyday and telling them “no” every time they ask if I want to go out to lunch. I’ve also asked if there’s anything else I can do (for free) to participate, but I feel like they resent me for my frugalness. I’m not trying to be a jackass during celebrations, but I simply don’t agree with spending money on every co-worker’s life events.
I’d appreciate feedback on how to handle this delicate situation. I love everyone I work with, but I work hard for my money and don’t want to spend it on cake! What should I do?
I’ve never worked in this sort of environment — all of the offices I’ve worked in have been small — but I’ve talked with people who have. Like my wife. They’ve expressed similar frustrations.
Peer pressure is a real and powerful force. It can be tough to make smart financial choices when everyone around you is spending — and urging you to do the same. You feel pressured to spend in order to belong.
From my experience, the key to coping with peer pressure is to recognize that it’s mostly internal. It comes from a desire to fit in. When you realize you don’t have to impress your friends and colleagues, most of the pressure goes away. Most of it.
It sounds like Erin knows she doesn’t have to impress her co-workers, but still struggles with the pressure. What then should she do. I have a couple of suggestions, though again, these are purely theoretical since I don’t have practical experience dealing with peer pressure in the workplace.
- Be explicit. From her story, I can’t tell if Erin is simply hinting at her frugality, hoping her co-workers will pick up on subtle signals (“I’m sorry, Gabe, I can’t go out to lunch today”), or whether she’s actually saying, “I appreciate the offer, Kelly and Ryan, but I can’t afford to; I’m working to pay off my debt.” If Erin’s clear about her motives, it may help her co-workers understand where she’s coming from.
- Find alternate ways to give. My wife, who says “required” spending is an issue at her workplace too, sometimes elects not to chip in money. Instead, Kris will find another way to contribute. She might bake cookies, for instance, or bring flowers from her garden.
- Budget for social spending. Since Erin knows her office has a tendency to spend money on parties and gifts and lunches out, she could (if she wanted) actually budget for these activities. Then she could pick and choose which activities to join: buying a gift for baby Cece, attending Andy’s community theater production, or whatever.
- Find other co-workers with similar sentiments. If enough people feel the same way as Erin, they could potentially change the office norms. They don’t even have to share the same reasons for wanting to opt out. Erin may not want to go out to lunch or pitch in for parties because of the money, but maybe Phyllis and Stanley are trying to diet. Seek solidarity among co-workers.
Talk to a supervisor about the problem. I don’t think Erin wants to squash everyone else’s fun, so she should make that clear. At the same time, though, it’s entirely appropriate to let her boss know that she feels pressured to participate but is unable to do so.[Update: Most commenters agree this is poor advice.]
If Erin didn’t care what her co-workers thought of her, the problem would be easier. When Michael and Dwight asked her to lunch, she could say no without worrying about their response. But Erin likes her co-workers. She just doesn’t like spending money with them. What should she do?
Ultimately, some people just won’t understand. To them, frugality will be a foreign concept, or social pressures will simply trump smart financial choices. I’m not sure there’s anything Erin can do to make these folks appreciate where she’s coming from. If she’s explained her situation once or twice or thrice before, will doing it a fourth time really make a difference?
What do you think? Is Erin simply being a party-pooper? Is there a way she can gracefully bow out of spending pressures at the office? What have you done in situations like this? Do you simply suck it up and go along with everyone else? Or have you found an effective way to help people accept your frugal choices? Help Erin solve her dilemma!
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Wow, I’m surprised at the sympathy here. I think you’re being selfish and a party pooper. Essentially, you’re saying “Sorry, I spent all my money on myself and now I don’t have any to share with you.” Tough cookies, that is part of being a social species.
I disagree that it is rampant consumerism at play. Would you rather gives up your Saturdays to help your cube-mates build a barn? We are time deprived in our culture, and physical affection is taboo, so we show our affection through gifts. It is the socially acceptable way to say “I like and appreciate you.”
I hate baby/bridal/misc. showers, too. But (like I told my 4 year old last night when she refused to brush her teeth) sometimes we have to do things in life we don’t want to do. It is part of growing up.
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I disagree with Des that it is “selfish” of you to value your time and money. But I also think it’s not about the Stuff. It’s about the socializing, networking, belonging and being a contributing member of the group. I understand the difficulty, but participating in group activities does create an impression in your co-workers’ and bosses’ minds that can help or hinder you in the long run.
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Gosh, Erin, you mean you want to socialize with your true friends, and give gifts to people you actually care about? How dare you distinguish between your work duties and your private life.
How dare you expect that your time at work will be used for work duties, and that where you place your friendship and affection and gift-giving will be left up to you.
(irony)
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Scoorge valued saving money over spending it on gifts, too. Of course, with that story, he had plenty of money, he just didn’t believe he had any to “spare.” It really depends on your situation. It’s dangerous to ignore celebrations and can really generate resentment. The fact is, there are work expenses, including transportation, appropriate clothing, and generating good will. The last two really address image, which as much as I dislike it, is important.
Some may say these are mere co-workers, but for me, I spend much more time w/ my co-workers than my friends–more than 40 hours a week. It’s important to me that the relationship is favorable. Not to mention, we really help each other out and work together as a team. And when you leave, when you place that job on your resume, and your former coworkers will be providing information to your future employer for that job/pay you really want. If your coworkers make sacrifices to do things to the benefit of the team (including the morale of the team) and you don’t, it can create resentment and the image that you don’t care about the team as a whole. It’s a sacrifice for them too.
I don’t feel like I have enough info, though. I believe most situations have a good middle ground. For example, if your coworkers go out to eat at a restaurant and pick up the tab of the birthday person, let them know you’re having these issues but want to help celebration and will cook brownies or a cake to celebrate. If there is a shower, help organize a group gift and then find a good price on something that is wanted/needed (i.e. giving you power over how much is spent).
It is necessary to generate goodwill in the workplace if you want to move up or have good references. You need to find the balance.
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That’s ridiculous. It’s not a social event if attendance is mandatory. It’s not a friendship if its only claim is that people happen to work in the same office. It’s not an invitation if there is a price attached to admission. And it’s not hospitality if it takes place in a work setting.
Sorry: there is a great confusion about the difference between “cordial work colleagues” and “friends”. And similar confusion about the difference between “voluntary socializing” and “work-mandated forced false affection.”
It is rude and unacceptable to require people to take part in social celebrations for others as part of a work obligation.
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Betsy is right. Work should not require spending as part of team building. You don’t need to have birthday parties for eveyone (but I agree, baby and wedding showers are a nice touch). That said, they are forbidden at my Federal workplace and work life still goes on. The only party we may have is a retirement party.
Fund-raising for one’s children should be done differently- if door to door selling is perceived as dangerous, then why not a sidewalk bake sale or car wash? Anything, as long as it’s out of parents’ work place and the children participate.
Folks may be bringing lunches due to food allergies, religious dietary laws, and so forth. Really, work should be work and there should be no perception of being a wet blanket for keeping one’s work life separate from one’s private life- that should be the norm rather than the exception.
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i have never worked in an office and i hope i never have to. i did work in a cabinet shop once where all of the (12) employees were asked to give money for the owners birthdays and christmas. i felt i was being judged each time they asked…like the amount of money i gave was a gauge of my commitment, and i resented that. i was told by my coworkers(i was a newbie) that the manager came around for the money and work was harder if you didn’t give.
it really galled me that i was making less than 10 an hour and the owner had 2 bmw’s ,a landrover, 4 homes, and a horse farm and i had to spend money i did not have to get him a birthday present. in addition,the workers were never given any kind of gift. ever.
i gave once and never did again. i decided it was better to live by my principles than give in to their expectations. i found the work to be no more difficult, but the people certainly were.
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That’s ridiculous. The owner should be giving his employees gifts, not the other way around. How incredibly vulgar.
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they often waved bonus incentive in front of us but we rarely got it. the project managers were so inept that we were in the hole before the first piece of wood went through the moulder. the funny thing is they always tried to sell any bonus as a gift.
it was one of the worst work experiences of my life.
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I work in a small office with about 12 employees where we typically celebrate everyone’s birthday with some type of food and a card. We rotate it so each person is responsible for planning the food/coordinating the card for one co-worker’s birthday. For some, it’s a $20 – $30 cake from a local bakery if they don’t have time (or wish to allocate it for this) and for others it’s a homemade desert of some sort. Both are appreciated, and they burden doesn’t fall too heavily on any one individual.
I would also agree that relationship building is an important component of life in many offices and if you’re opting out of the office celebrations you may be selling yourself short in the long run.
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At my office, we just buy a cake on everyone’s birthday. Cost is between 50 cents and $1 per person per cake… so maybe I shell out $3 a month?
We used to all go out to lunch on the person’s birthday as well, but now there are so many of us in my department that it’s just not doable.
I think Erin needs to bring this up with whoever normally organizes these kind of things.
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At my last job, we at least resolved the birthday thing by having a once-per-month cake & coffee for all of the birthdays in that month.
When folks solicited shower (baby or wedding) money from me, I often said, “I don’t really know that person, so I will decline.”
I was the boss in a middle sized department, so I didn’t feel I could decline if the person worked for me – directly or indirectly. When it came to Christmas, we did the white elephant game. I did give token gifts to the people who reported directly to me. I didn’t enjoy it, but could not figure out how to get out of it without unnecessarily hurting someone’s feelings.
After I retired, I did some consulting work – a lot of it in the same place. Every Christmas, I bought a goat from the Heifer Project in the name of the people who worked there. We also did a secret santa with a $20 limit. Still a lot of money, but at least the goat was worth spending the money on….
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Invitations are supposed to be issued for hospitality. Hospitality that includes a price of admission is not hospitality.
Social events are different from work. Colleagues at work are different from friends.
The great confusion here is between voluntary social events and work-related parties.
Parties are inappropriate at work and put everyone in a difficult position, as they require people who work together to pretend that they are actually social friends.
True friendship takes place outside of work. Colleagues who become friends and wish to treat each other as such should hold hospitality and celebrations on their own time, and issue true INVITATIONS for such, rather than requests for sponsorship, which is the opposite of friendly hospitality.
(A lot of the confusion and difficulties stem from the fact that Americans work basically ALL THE TIME, leaving us no time for friendship as there are fewer and fewer off-hours in which to conduct relationships. Hence, the conflation of work collegiality with friendship: it’s the only opportunity remaining for social engagements!)
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I’ve worked in a woman-dominated profession all my life. Mostly, contributions for a colleague’s life event are done either by “stop by if you want to contribute” or an envelope with a routing slip. The boss or a friend pays for a card, which also goes around with a routing slip.
That’s *frugal* to me 
We have 2 luncheons a year, both of them inviting/featuring our student workers, where we’re asked to sign up ahead of time to provide something. I could certainly get out of them for less than $5 each– and the days I’ve forgotten it was ‘the day’, everyone said, come along anyway, there’s plenty of food. So, for $5 I get a buffet-size luncheon twice a year.
When I first started out, like every other newbie in my industry, I was flat broke. My co-workers and administrative staff had no trouble at all understanding “I’d love to, but I’m just flat broke (this week/now/etc.)”
Where I used to work, if you wanted to celebrate a life occasion, you brought in the cake. Nowadays, the supervisor usually supplies the cake (my boss is an amazing baker), we gather and sing, and then eat cake and go back to our cubes.
Then again, when people find themselves with too much of some deserty or candy-ey thing, they bring it in and share it with the office. (Great way to get rid of halloween or easter candy!)
However, this can become a problem if people won’t take no for an answer. The first thing to do is to ask yourself if someone(s) in particular are the focus of the guilt trip. As long as it isn’t your supervisor, there’s a reason to talk it out with your supervisor and ask if there are different ways for the organization to celebrate life events.
If you can’t talk to your supervisor, and you can’t let people know you’re going through some financial squeaks, and the climate is one that puts lots of pressure on social activity and won’t accept you if you don’t participate– ask yourself if you need to look for another place to work. That kind of misfit can make you miserable.
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My question is – are you still participating in these get togethers? It gives the impression of free loading with out contributing. Otherwise, I’d try the advice offered of bringing in home made food with out making a big deal of it. Offer to bring in cookies or iced tea to the next event. I’d budget for the once-in-a-lifetime items (retirement, first baby, first marriage), but reserve the right to tell the organizer that you’ve already got a gift for the occasion. Thoughtful homemade items (flavored olive oil, drink mixes, etc.) with a handwritten note are often much appreciated. I’ve even chipped in during lean times by offering to provide the fancy wrappings – a well presented present in a basket or a wrapped box topped with beautiful ribbon makes the gift look very expensive and I’ve been sought out by coworkers to do this instead of kicking in $5 or $10.
Finally, why not take control of the situation by approaching the social organizer and offering to help set up/take down/organize the event? It never hurts to build a relationship with the person – they are less likely to gossip about a ‘frugal friend’ as opposed to the ‘anti-social cheapskate’ a few cubicles down.
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Not only is it a drain on your budget, many “after hours” work activities are a colosal drain on your time as well. In my old office, we were always expected to participate in after hours events or gatherings that were admittedly about entertaining our members but the employees were NEVER compensated financially for these thing.
My supervisor was the type who didn’t have a life outside of work, “unfortunately” for me I did…and I can attest that my attitude toward these after hours events (as a waste of my valuable time) helped to successfully ostracize myself from the group.
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I’m not sure I agree with this. We don’t know how much the mortgage is, but if it’s one that is realistic on a $40k/year salary it can’t be that much. She would have to find a new house or an apartment that made losing the house make financial sense.
$40k/year isn’t chump change, but it doesn’t mean you’re rolling in the dough, and she’s not making even the $40k anymore. If she has the skills to make $40k+/year (or interest gaining those skills) she should be working towards that instead or in conjunction with selling her house.
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I have not read ahead, however….
1. This kind of pressure is not her imagination, its office culture and has a direct affect in things like working relationships and promotions. sorry, but it is what it is.
2. Dont make it about the money. for all we know, other people have similar financial problems. Its doubtful that shes the only person in the room for whom money is tight.
3. Remember that for all the gossip, cooing and shots downed, an equal amount of office politics and even business on occaison will take place.
4. As someone living on a fixed income, most of the time, as JDs already metnioned there are less expensive alternatives. Make a meal, bring flowers,
4, Kris is nicer than I. if the kid doesnt come and smile at me (even a grade schooler), I dont buy. period.
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Argh (feeling guilty). I am one of the people asking other people if they’d like to buy XX item/ticket for a fundraiser. I ask very nicely and thank anyone I ask, whether they buy or not. It doesn’t matter to me. BUT, I do have a problem with people that think that just because they bought something from me, that I am obligated to buy something from them. NO! Noone twisted their arm to buy anything. That is really frustrating.
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Next time, please just put the fundraiser thing in the mail room. Don’t ask me personally. I bet you’ll get a lot fewer people buying because the only reason they bought was because they felt socially pressured to do it by your “asking very nicely”. Of course they feel annoyed when you don’t repay the favor.
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Claire I think you can still ask, but do so in a thoughtful email. No one wants to be directly solicited ever. Not that it is fun to ask either. But I have experience with this, when I needed to raise $2000 for a marathon fundraiser, I sent out an email blast to my coworkers. I was pretty new in the office, so no one had any incentive to give to a brand new employee. But I received over $600 from them, both bosses and coworkers. Their generosity was breathtaking and I will never forget it. I try to reciprocate in little ways.
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Check your office policies first. It is NOT acceptable to send out e-mails asking for donations in our office – and people can be fired for doing so…..
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Claire, most people buy because they expect you to buy from them!! Why would you try to sell your ‘wares’ but not buy when people try to fundraise themselves? It’s people like you who make me smh!!
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I’ve mostly avoided this type of thing by just totally ignoring it.
Just smile and say you don’t have time, you’re working too hard at x, y, and z to go to lunch, or attend that birthday party, or potluck etc. I’m at work to work, you know? I’m trying to make an impact in my career area, not make everyone like me.
If they ask for money say “what a nice idea!” but then just walk away. If they press you and you don’t want to give anything, just say you’re too busy right now or you don’t have any cash, or else just say “no thanks” or “I can’t”. If they keep pressing you after that, they’re obnoxious–just give them a look and walk away. I do participate in buying things for coworkers, but only when I want to.
I don’t need work to be my socializing environment. It’s actually something I avoid because too many women get stereotyped into “office mom” which is not a good thing career-wise. I’d rather people think of me as as talented and hardworking, not as the life of the office or the social secretary.
Now I’m the boss & I budget about $10 a month out of my paychecks for treats and stuff to boost my departments’ morale. But I can afford it. I wouldn’t expect the people who work for me to have to do this.
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“Talk to a supervisor about the problem. I don’t think Erin wants to squash everyone else’s fun, so she should make that clear. At the same time, though, it’s entirely appropriate to let her boss know that she feels pressured to participate but is unable to do so.”
I usually agree with your advice, JD, but this is waaay off the mark. Going to the boss to complain about your colleagues’ fun will just alienate you further.
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On the contrary — I would think the boss is very interested in having their employees spend work time on work duties, and leave socializing for their home life.
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I agree. Going to the boss and complaining about how people keep trying to include you in social events is just going to annoy him/her, and possibily get you “laid off” the next time there is a RIF.
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Several years ago, I worked in an office that had a monthly cake/ice cream birthday celebration for all employees who had birthdays that month. It was held from 3-3:30 p.m. and funded by the company. From reading the comments here, it sounds like this was a pretty unusual arrangement, but what a nice (and relatively painless) investment for a company to make in building employee morale.
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At my old office, HR staff would keep a list of the people not “donating” to the various social events. Even though we worked on a different floor than everyone else, someone would actually come up and harass anyone who did not “donate” money.
All my coworker(most were male) would talk a big game about not paying, and then completely cave when the HR woman would come visit.
I worked there two and a half years, and never gave a dime. I was also not ostracized, laid off, demoted, or anything else.
Its not that hard, people. You just say no.
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This is the best advice:
#56 retirebyforty says:
Erin, be your own woman and do what you want. It’s a crummy job that you are trying to leave anyway. You hinted at this here – “Four years later, I’ve yet to make it close to a $40,000 salary again.”
Once you find another job, you won’t see Michael or Dwight again.
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A lady at my job when invited to a group potluck or ordering lunch will say “No, I might be travelling that day” or some other excuse. On the day of the event while cleaning up, she would show up and ask “Are these leftovers?”. Of course the leftovers are free for anyone to take and she’ll happily take some.
I don’t usually participate in gossipping but my group always talks about her because of that.
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lol, we had a guy like that at my job too. After years and years of this and everyone talking about his mooching, he finally started bringing token food – his leftovers. Literally. His leftover spaghetti, etc was what he would bring for food days and we knew because he had no problem telling everyone. Who knew you’d long for the mooching days?
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lol! Someone told me that one day she brought a box of supermarket mini muffins that only had half the muffins in it and had already expired. Probably one of those in the clearance bin!
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I think it helps if you lead by example. My office always passed around cards to sign and envelopes to add money for each life event. I would always add a small donation like everyone else. When a close family member passed away, I was contacted by the office organizer to see where I wanted the flowers/donation sent. I said that it was fine if a card was sent around but I did not want any money collected. Soon after, the money envelopes stopped circulating, only the cards were sent around.
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There is a distinct difference between being frugal and being cheap. The connections you make at work are one of your best leads into advancing in your career. Remember that phrase its who you know not what you know? If you need to stay on budget offer to go to lunch and buy something cheap, maybe just a drink or hell just bring your lunch with you. Buy a cheap card and opt out of any significant monetary contributions. There are plenty of things you can do to stay on budget and not alienate your coworkers. Just think of it as the cost of doing business, you can only make money if you spend some, its just a matter of spending it wisely.
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I wonder where all these “career” people work at. As I said in another post, I rarely attend the social lunch these days. Very rarely it generates knowledge I need to know *and* that doesn’t get passed on to me. Because, you know, we actually do work and do not play office games.
My – entirely prejudiced – assumption is that these careers happen in sales or adminstration departments.
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Its government jobs. This has never even been close to an issue any place I’ve worked except when I worked for the local government, where there was constant harassment.
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There is a good chance it is happening at your work and you just don’t know it because you don’t attend. It isn’t really about critical information being not passed to you because you missed lunch, its about you co-workers feeling comfortable working with you. It is pie-in-the-sky to think “we’re all just at work to work and not socialize.” Oh, please. It sucks, but office politics are a very real thing. You don’t have to learn to play them if you don’t want, but you can’t put your head in the sand and try to say they don’t exist.
And no, it isn’t just government jobs. Everywhere I’ve worked (beyond the lowest ranks, where you’re promoted more for sheer output than people skills) involved some amount politics.
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Yes, your assumption is incorrect. I have never worked in sales or in administration departments, but workplace celebrations/socializations have been part of every office culture I have been in. It was true when I worked at a small social service agency, when I worked at a large international law firm, and when I worked at a government agency.
I have been fortunate to have a lot of success in my career thus far, and that is due in part to the fact that I am good at my job. But lots of people are good at their jobs but nevertheless inspire no particular loyalty or enthusiasm from bosses and coworkers — the very people who may someday be in a position to promote you or recommend your work or serve as a reference for you. Time and again, I have seen coworkers and supervisors go to bat for me, and I don’t flatter myself to think that it’s because I could do my job better than any other human. I can’t. Instead, I try to be a pleasant person to work with. That gets you pretty far.
When you say you do not like to “play office games” I understand you to refer to a set of practices that I think of as simply being sociable, which to me is a key part of being employable. I once worked with a man who is extraordinarily smart, has degrees from prestigious schools, impressive credentials, and would easily be the best performer (in objective terms) in any office to hire him. But he is chronically underemployed because he has a reputation in a clubby professional field as being unsociable — not unkind, not rude, just a personality that lots of people evidently fear will be hard to work with. And all other things being mostly equal, people tend to hire people they think they will like working with. I would rather have my slightly less impressive brain, my slightly less illustrious credentials, and a reputation for being someone my coworkers enjoy working with. It seems to be working well for me so far. If that requires me to cometimes buy a lunch when I have one in the fridge, or to spend money on a coworker’s birthday card, so be it.
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Please see my other post down below. I was matching my German experiences against mostly American customs – which was a wrong approach. In my experience a constant socializing with lunches, cards and gift giving is not needed to get accepted as a competent, friendly and pleasant coworker. But, again, this applies to German customs and expectations, which are quite different from American or British ones.
I just forgot that for a moment.
However, I’d like to point out that the original post didn’t make I seem that this was about an occasional lunch or birthday card, but something that even some American participants see as excessive.
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At the risk of sounding sexist…..try to find an office job working with mostly men. This gift/social thing is never a problem! LOL!
I enjoy participating in wedding showers/baby showers and welcoming new employees. However, as a rule, I never attend going away parties unless it is someone that I have worked with for a long time.
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Avoid and you are disliked; Partake and you dislike yourself. I have battled with this in my workplace and have come to the conclusion that men get off on this FAR easier than women. Women plan 90%+ of the parties/gatherings in my workplace (which to be fair, is more female, but more like 60/40). There is greater expectation on you to participate, organize, and contribute if you are female where I work. I deal with this a few ways:
*Rationalize. When I get married, they will throw me a shower, and I will get some of that investment back. Same with B-days on a smaller scale. Erin, do you emphatically refuse birthday recognition from these co-workers? You failed to mention it. If not, it is only fair you pitch in for theirs.
*Work! Don’t let someone else do all the planning and spending. Take over that picnic committee and make sure the costs stay low, or plan the next baby shower and arrange for everyone to bring food so there is no catering cost. Put your frugal self to work and your co-workers will thank you.
Bottom line, don’t listen to J.D. There is no way for you to gracefully drop out. You don’t go and it will hurt your professional networks 100x’s more than the $100/year spent on celebration. Of course if you are leaving the job soon, then by all means, skip it. Maybe they will be nice and buy you a going away gift too.
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I didn’t read all 120 comments to see if this was mentioned… But in my large office of 100 women, this was a constant challenge for me on my small budget. Wanting to fit in and also not seem like a frugal b*tch, I found ways to do something extremely thoughtful and cheap:
Baby shower, buy some index cards, or a small cheap journal. Have everyone write their best advice for the new mom on each card or page. The new mom can take to the non-office shower as well. Can be adapted for a wedding shower also!
Birthdays, buy a blank card and write a thoughtful, heartfelt sentiment for your co-worker. Something that they would appreciate. A time they helped you, or something you really enjoy about them. For one of my co-workers, I stole a picture of her child from her FB page, enlarged it and printed it at home and framed it cheaply. She loved it! Cost me nothing but to print/frame it.
You can purchase super cheap wrapping/tissue in bulk at orientalexpress.com You can purchase cards for all occasions from the dollar store, usually two for a dollar! I buy a big box of blank cards at Michaels, a craft store. Five dollars for 50 cards and envelopes. I use them for the office and for my son’s endless parade of birthday parties that he is invited too.
I often re-use gift bags that people give me. And if you get the Sunday paper, or do any kind of re-cycling, you can use the Sunday funnies to wrap kid’s gifts, or any gifts in if you wish. Free and it looks nice.
As far as fund-raising goes. I have several charities that I support. Boy Scouts of America is one, my son’s school is another, and there are others that I give my time and money to throughout the year. When I am approached to purchase something at work from another mom, I usually make a “quid pro quo” agreement that she will either buy some popcorn from the BSA from me, or purchase something from another school fundraiser my son will be involved in. I ask her if she is volunteering at her school, etc. Sometimes it is all about reciprocity! Money isn’t everything; if you can help out your community at the same time, everybody wins!
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I’m glad that my workplace isn’t like that.
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Wow. I have nothing to contribute except to say that I’m extremely happy I don’t work surrounded by other people. They are truly annoying.
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Where I work, when you have a birthday you bring a treat. That way no one forgets and you only have to pay once a year.
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I turn down every and all office parties. As a government worker I find it appalling that these parties even happen on tax payers dimes! You shouldn’t have to lie about not wanting to attend or spend any of your earned income for parties. Just say NO and keep your emotions out of it!
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I feel the writer’s pain! It’s awkward. Budget a little something for the occasions when you want to give. Be gracious, but say no if you feel uncomfortable giving money. Generally if you stop giving, people stop asking.
I left a position where the contributions got out of hand and it really screwed up the dynamic of the group. People started opting out, others giving only because they felt they had to and I think there was a lot of guilt and resentment. It was a shame because when the shared contributions worked–the occasional group dinner out, the surprise baby shower, the funeral flowers and cards, I loved the group. We took care of our own is what we said then.
One of my co workers really tipped the scale for me when she got engaged- three parties with gifts and a wedding that I spent more on than I had own occasions with my own family because it was expected. And I didn’t even like her–she was a horrible co-worker! Plus she was less than gracious when I opted out of one of the group gifts and gave her her s smaller item from her registry. It made me rethink the whole giving to get along. I was very selective in my work contributions after that.
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“And I didn’t even like her–she was a horrible co-worker! ”
Why would you buy a horrible co-worker a gift for anything? Seriously… why? Have some self-respect…
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I’m actually surprised at some of the responses so far.
I work for my state government and we’ve had to deal with both furloughs and pay cuts. I support myself and I *barely* scrape by from month to month. Am I seriously supposed to charge groceries and/or not put gas in my car to fund the never-ending cake and potluck parties? My department is quite large and there is ALWAYS something going on. I used to contribute for every event, but it’s just not an option at this point in time.
I realize that it’s stingy to not participate in these things, but $5 here and $10 there really add up quickly, especially when you only get paid once per month. I do contribute when I can and if I did not contribute something, I refrain from attending the event (nothing worse than a moocher at a potluck!)
However, since I work for the government, my standing/chance for promotion does not hinge on participation in these events. Either way though, I go to work to do precisely that – work! I maintain cordial relationships with all of my colleagues and if the worst thing they can say about me is that I’m anti-social for not eating cake, then so be it!
I have a feeling that most of them feel the same way, but nobody speaks up!
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we finally instituted a work policy for birthdays as follows: if it’s your birthday, you can bring treats for everyone if you so choose. I love it!
My strategy with kid fundraisers is, if it’s a good cause, I’ll give a small donation in lieu of purchasing the crap they are selling. Even a $5 donation represents pure profit for their organization.
One other co-worker and I opt out of the departmental gift exchange every year. Some people don’t notice, the organizer thinks we’re grinches, and I just don’t care. It helps to have another person who is also an un-participant!
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Laura, I totally agree about the exchange. I never do it. People think I am a grinch but I do not care. Why should I spend $10 on someone and they spend $10 on me? I can just keep my $10 and use it for myself!!!
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At my previous job, I baked cookies for everyone’s birthday — because it was homemade, it expressed an “I-care-about-you” sentiment without breaking the bank. And in truth, it was baked from pre-made rolls of cookie dough, which means it took me almost no time — just spoon the cookie dough onto a tray and throw it into the oven. 5 minutes of work, and less than $5.
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That’s different: you chose to express “I care about you” by bringing cookies you voluntarily made on your own initiative, not by dunning your co-workers for contributions to a gift that you couldn’t afford.
Fundamental distinction and very kind of you not to demand that others pony up for your ideas.
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I used to work in the office environment and know exactly what you are feeling!
I also hated that I was forced to eat a piece of cake when I didn’t want to. I LOVE desserts but not those store bought ones with frosting in crazy colors.
Many comments said “it’s just $3, pay for it” but I disagree. It doesn’t matter how much you contribute. When you let others decide your action (giving money or eating cake), then you just lose.
I would just decline all the invitations and find other ways to celebrate your co-workers’ special days if you love them personally.
Homemade card, homemade desserts, flowers on their desk before that person comes in that day.
This way you will be remembered and networking isn’t ruined.
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I think this approach (which a couple people here have suggested) is worse than opting out all together, and it does indeed ruin networking. It’s not so much the individual whose birthday or whatever it is who you have to watch out for, it’s the group (mob) mentality of the party-throwers that are going to hate this.
They want you to to show group conformity and adhesion to their norms. If the norm is “everyone chips in $x and we get a cake at ‘x place’ and we always give the recipient x gift and that’s what we do” then you making something homemade is just going to have you labeled as an outsider or brown-noser and not going to win you any points from the mob.
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That’s horrible. Why would anyone have to conform to celebrate somebody’s baby showers or birthday parties with giving money or Stuff? Especially if you don’t know that person well?
There are other ways to network. If once-a-month office celebration decides whether you succeed or not at work, you didn’t do your job right.
You can still go to the break room and sing b-day song, but not eat cake or chip in money.
If you are close to that person, you can give flowers or homemade cookies when nobody else is looking. That’s all. You don’t have to make a scene out of it in front of other co-workers.
I’m with Nicole on this.
I don’t care what other people think. Day-to-day relationship matters more.
I’ve met co-workers who didn’t participate in office parties due to religious reason and they did fine careerwise.
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Well, yes. I agree wholeheartedly.
That’s the whole point of my previous comments: If you LIKE somebody, invite them over to your HOME, on your OWN TIME. Bring them a gift that YOU bought. Make them a part of your social life. In other words, make a FRIEND of them.
… rather than attempting to involve the whole office in personal relationships at work, which is ridiculous.
(And then calling it “networking.” How vulgar to pretend to be friends because people can help you.)
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How about the baby showers at work for someone’s second or third child?!? And the past few years at my office, it is for a middle- or upper-management person who is assumed to make quite a larger salary than most of the other workers. Although my office is good about doing a general email request for monetary contributions, but I still feel like I can’t say “no.”
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Whops, I just realized that I shouldn’t have pitched in. As a German in Germany, I socialize mostly with Germans and in a German manner, of course. Which are quite different from Anglo customs.
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As Heather mentioned, I buy clearance cards and wrap wherever possible (also currentcatalog.com on their sale/clearance section, or Hallmark off season).
It shouldn’t cost money or your dignity to go to work. I would ask the HR manager, or equivalent, if the company could budget a certain amount for office parties, so they could be truly enjoyed. I think one party per month, for all birthdays and life events, should be sufficient. If HR could only budget $24, you could buy $1 cake mix and $1 frosting, each month, at the dollar store. In this recession, I bet people would happily give up their office birthday party to avoid donating to others.
At my job, we are asked to give $20/year towards a monthly birthday cake. We have a nasty coworker who eats others’ lunches and sticks his hands in the cake to grab pieces throughout the day, so I never eat it. The cost is $20 because it’s “optional”, so the price for contributors has risen over the years. I think this year I am going to email the organizer that I choose not to contribute, but agree not to eat the cakes.
In our smaller department, we do great potlucks for birthdays (6 of us total). I am one of two much higher paid persons, with two working directly under me who are very helpful. So, if I spend $20 making the huge fruit salad they love, and sometimes even a second dish, I don’t feel resentful at all (the way I do when I see Mr. Nasty ruining yet another cake).
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I worked in an office that handled this in a horrible way. Rather than just make social outings optional, they created a ‘Social Club’. The rules of the Social Club were that you absolutely had to attend, buy yourself lunch, and chip in for a gift at every social outing the club organized – no exceptions. A couple days from when I started, two girls from the club stopped by my desk and invited me to join them for a fellow social club member’s baby shower that day on a sort of trial basis. They told me I didn’t have to contribute to the gift since that had already been purchased, but neglected to mention I would have to buy my own lunch. I didn’t find out until we were seated at the restaurant and ordering lunch that I would have to pay my own way. I had no cash on me and $7.00 in my checking account – I’m still thankful my debit card transaction went through that day.
The next week, there was a baby shower for another coworker. Because I was completely and totally broke, I couldn’t participate and was therefore barred from joining the Social Club. Even though being a member of the Social Club was supposedly optional, out of 34 employees, one other girl and I were the only ones who weren’t members.
It was tremendously awkward and isolating – they had events at least once a week and were all very good friends. I was completely left out because I simply couldn’t afford to attend and contribute to every event and had no option to only attend and contribute to the parties for the coworkers I knew well. They were all also married and enjoying double-income households, I was single with no life events to celebrate, so all my participation wouldn’t have bought me my own wedding or baby shower (bizarrely, there was a separate Birthday Club with its own rules, so birthdays didn’t count).
I was struggling financially at the time, and things were especially bad around the time I started at that job – that $7 checking account balance was just one problem I was having. At the time I felt a lot of shame around my financial situation and didn’t talk about it to anyone. Now, I wish I had been a little more open about it – if I had sent the Social Club leader a short and sweet note explaining why I hadn’t joined, it might have helped them to understand that I wasn’t just snubbing them. (The other left-out girl had declined to join because she disliked her coworkers and didn’t want to spend any time with them aside from what she was required to spend with them as part of her work.)
Maybe it’s naive now, but I’d like to think that my openness might have encouraged the Social Club to open itself up a little more or change its policies. But maybe not. Either way, I think honesty is the best policy – otherwise your coworkers might wonder what’s keeping you away, like mine did, and completely leave you alone. I worked at the job for three years, and at the end of it, the only girl that was my friend was the other girl who wasn’t a member of the social club. Nobody else was interested in speaking with me.
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That sounds way worse that the original commenter’s story. It is like sorority at work! omg. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
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The places I’ve worked at so far weren’t bad at all; but when asked, I usually opted in.
-Somebody asking for donations for someone running for cancer or biking for leukemia (you get a tax receipt for donations so just save some of your donation budget for the work related things)
-Events happening during work hours (eg. birthday cake, bbq in the summer). You are there, its going to be awkward if you don’t participate when everybody else is. I just spend the money.
-Events outside work hours. Honestly, I’ve never had those so far! But if invited I would consider based on my relationship with the person if i wanted to attend or not; but no matter what I would participate in the group gift or whatever; I just might not show up to the event if I didn’t feel like it. However, this is how you make contacts! I know some people don’t want to be friends with their coworkers because they see them all the time; but I see it the other way around, you see these people all the time, it might be good to see them outside of work to see their casual side and it would make work even better.
-As for chocolate bars and girl guide cookies; things I wouldn’t get a receipt for, meh. Depends I guess. I like candy so I usually don’t mind paying for those and keeping them in my desk drawer when I get cravings!!
Last note:
-To me, all those things are like “work expenses”. Some people have to buy steel toe booths, you have to pay for cakes and give for showers. Just figure out how much it adds up in a year and budget for it and keep a like film canister with some money in your desk just for those things.
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May be I worked with more understanding coworkers, I never had a problem dealing with this situation. I have worked for a very big pharma company and now for a <50 person biotech. The trick is to make them believe that you really care about them "before" these situation arises.
1) Even if you do bring lunch, if they go to a cafeteria where you can join in with your brown bag, please do so.
2) Once a month or so, budget for going out to lunch in a modest priced restaurant.
3) Budget for celebrations, BUT instead of putting the money in the envelope offer to do the grind job. Cook a lot of food in the pot luck (it doesn't a lot more to cook for 10 people than to cook for 2) or offer to decorate the place if that is your thing. Basically make them feel that you care but cannot afford money. As I said this works best if you do these things before there is a fund raiser. At that time if you say you are on a budget to pay off student loans so you baked cookies they will remember when it is time for the envelope passing.
4) Instead of picking/choosing and putting money for selected coworkers buy them gifts separately on decline a gift for everyone in the office. This way people will always assume you can't afford money but will do whatever you can otherwise and won't have to guess who you will give money for. Avoids awkward moments for both parties.
5) For charities (for example we recently did a fund raiser for Japan earthquake victims) I give money. As much as I can and more.
It is all about making them know you what you.
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Sorry, it’s terrible, but you absolutely *have* to participate in office celebrations. Do not bow out of them.
If you refuse to participate in office gatherings, even one of them, you’ll damage your position in the office and likely your job. Who’s going to be first on the chopping block when times get tight, all other things being equal? The person who’s a part of the group or the outsider who doesn’t pitch in for cake?
Think of these office celebrations as an insurance payment. You’re paying keep-me-employed-here insurance premiums every time you chip in for a gift.
I know the above sounds really cold, but it’s just an annoying truth. Once in a while you can bow out, or you could influence the office to scale down the celebrations. Being frugal is trendy; everyone likes to feel like they’re still having as much fun on less money, so feel free to make suggestions if the group seems open to it.
As for kids’ fundraisers? Kids-only policy. If the kid comes selling it to me, good. If it’s just the parent, nope. Part of this is bitterness.
When I was a kid I envied the other kids whose parents worked in offices or at the shop and always won the sales prizes in fundraisers, when I had to literally go door to door. Make the kids earn that!
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I agree with many of the comments and in many situations you need to attend and contribute at some level to socialize and network.
You could budget for it and chalk it up to investing in yourself to improve your job and network – but then you really need to put aside the attitude and do just that – focus on improving your work situation and NETWORK. That is what many of these situations come down to.
However, another suggestion is to plan ahead – use coupons and watch for sales. I get all kinds of cheap baby and wedding gifts when they are marked down and have a stockpile I can use without seeming cheap. They don’t need to know that $20 frame was on the sale rack for $3!
And MAKE things whenever possible. Something from your garden….a hand knitted baby blanket….your special homemade dish….become more involved in the planning so you are seen as a larger part of it even if not contributing as much in money or gifts. There are MANY frugal ways to still be very much a part of the celebration without breaking the bank…..but you have to WANT to be a part of it and go in with the right attitude.
Also – in terms of the kids solicitations. Often times the organizations/schools make only a small percentage – offering a $2 donation to the organization can be equal to buying a $20 tube of gift wrap….. A great way to use some of your spare change too…..
Just some thoughts…
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Our office has a no-solicitation rule for kids’ fundraisers, so that solves that issue. As for birthday parties, we don’t do that either, but when did birthdays past elementary school become cause for a huge celebration? It reminds me of how my mom always sent cupcakes for my class in elementary school for my birthday, except that it’s now your co-workers bringing it into the office. I’m in my 30s and find the whole thing strange. I also find these co-ed bridal and baby showers for co-workers strange. We do ours after hours, so it’s perfectly fine not to show up, but I’ve found that the men really don’t “get” what the shower’s all about and suck at the games. I’d rather just get the bride/mom-to-be a gift on my own without having the shower (esp since I’d be able to get a bigger gift if I didn’t have to chip in $20 for food, too). The latest one that bugs me is that our 11-person department is having a retirement party for our manager, whom we’re all just counting down the days until he retires. Retirement parties are probably the only event that we’re generally expected to participate in. But it does seem odd to be celebrating someone we all feel has been a pretty useless manager.
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What to do with all that pocket change we were talking about the other day…..put it in a jar in your locker at work to pay for the birthday cakes.
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It’s hard to give advice without knowing your intentions at this job and your relationships with your coworkers.
I worked a government job where there were a lot of things like this. I strongly disliked all of my coworkers but maybe 2 and had no intention of working in that industry for more than a few years. Birthdays were always disgusting supermarket cakes with airbrushed “frosting” that tastes like poison. I just said no to everything, easy. If someone in the office who I care about has a significant event I’ll give them something on my own. But again, I didn’t care about preserving any relationships there.
Now I really like my coworkers and love my job. I’d never hesitate to go to a going-away lunch or something like that, but donations for other things are always anonymous, and on birthdays our boss buys us a cake. It’s hard to imagine working for a long time in an environment where a “party planning committee” actually exists and holds any sway. Come to think of it, maybe that’s part of why I like this job so much more.
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At my job, the team I am on, they want us to give $5 a month so we will have a pot when something comes up. I have passed on this option. I am glad I did because I have been on leave of absence for 1 1/2 years!!!
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I think it is important to not let our desire to maintain a frugal lifestyle interfere with a desire to maintain workplace relationships. I used to have a coworker that always wanted to meet at Starbucks. I would happily meet here there with my travel mug of joe from home. Same with lunches out- just ask if you can go someplace where you would feel comfortable eating your brown bag lunch. If they are going out after work for drinks, and you don’t want to “always” have to skip… watch for Groupons or other deals that would allow you to stretch your budget money much further.
Office functions where you are expected to donate monetarily, ask if there is anything you can bring from home. Maybe you could bring a batch of salsa (made from scratch for about $3) or something similar so that you can feel you are contributing without having to chip in $20.
If your office isn’t open to these ideas, you might just have to stick to your guns and say you just don’t feel that it is a wise use of your money. You might just have to be willing to reap the social consequences.
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I guess I just honestly don’t care what people think about me. I have had several responses: No, I am not giving any money and not participating. No, I am not giving money because I may not even be in this group when the time comes. When people put kids stuff on my desk, I put it back on their desks. I go to work to make money, not spend money!
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I always bring my lunch to work–been doing that for 30 years. I also go out to lunch everyday with friends, but we go to a food court where I can bring my lunch. So we all eat together. It works out well.
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I’m too far down the social ladder for people to bother me about “contributing” to so-and-so’s going away lunch or such-and-such’s wife’s medical bills. They don’t bother the fresh-faced interns, but rather pretend I don’t exist and gossip freely about who’s coming to what in front of the uninvited invisible gofer.
However, I think a little change of mindset might help Erin feel better; everyone’s calling the semi-mandatory donations a “cost” of business, but I’d think of it like she’s actually earning a little less than she thinks. It’s like taxes. Technically, your salary is $X0,000 a year. But you know you’re not earning all $X0,000; your employer is giving some $Y,000 of it to the state and county and SS and Medicare. Taxes only feel like a rip-off if you expect to keep ALL of the $X0,000, which of course no one does. The company is paying your salary. If you’re expected to give a little of that salary back to succeed at that company, well, it’s just that the total figure they gave you at the interview was a bit inflated. Yes, technically it’s not mandatory, but it may be necessary in order to forge good relationships with your coworkers and get ahead.
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We have a big team, and almost bi-weekly we celebrate birthdays. We pool in $15 every month and spend from the pool. We do potlucks as well for a change of taste.
Apart from that we do give to charities and I get that deducted from my pay check, specially when there is a equal match by my employer. I do have a monthly giving budget which helps me coping up with these office spends.
You have to indulge in the activities, got to like it, then these spends will not seem burdensome, you’ll start enjoying each and every spend as much as I do.
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I am a staff member at a Church. When there is a birthday, We have a ‘Staff Lunch’ and I used the Church credit card to shop and cook for everyone. Then, it’s not about the money you have to contribute. We don’t do gifts, either. I average about $4 a person for a delicious lunch (I love to cook)and I make some kind of dessert. Since everyone has different issues- allergies, diabetic, special diet- we don’t usually go out to eat or order food. It’s a nice way to celebrate, we are all at the office in the event someone needs to contact us so we are still productive, and we are all spending the same amount of time at lunch that day. It helps to keep the staff connected, and since we all work at a Church and work for love not exorbitant salaries, it makes it an enjoyable atmosphere. As far as fundraising goes, we only have one staff member with children and she only asks if the fundraiser might be something we are interested in such as a raffle for tickets to a local college football game or a deal on specialty food like homemade tamales 12 for $10 that can be frozen.
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I have a comment on the foot note about kids fundraisers. My office allows people to set an order form in the break room. Normally the person fundraising for their church or kids will send an email out notifying the office. It my annoy some, but to others, there is some enjoyment from this.
We don’t have frequent get togethers or parties so I cannot really share. To bring cookies and contribute another way still costs money to me.
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