That was a very nice and thoughtful comment…..

My recommendation, though, is to learn to put up with it and continue to politely learn to say “no” and appreciate the fact that your coworkers *want* you to go out to eat with them and participate in office events (as frivolous as they may be).

Think of the day comes after you’ve managed to convince everyone you no longer wish to be asked to go to eat, out after work, or participate in work paries. Everyone gets up and leaves the office without ever asking you again.

Someday you may find yourself with a spare $10 but you no longer have an opportunity to enjoy it.

Stick to your (financial) guns, but continue to *politely* state your position and appreciate the fact that you have coworkers that want you to participate.

Personally speaking, as tight as my budget is, I do make some allowances for going out to eat/drinks/having people over/etc…but my wife and I are very social and many close friends, and getting together with them regularly is important to us–and we’ve discovered many ways to do it on the cheap.

We did quarterly birthday potlucks (spring, summer, fall, winter birthdays) which made it easy, and not very expensive. I was often asked to bake the cake or desert (but that was OK because I like to bake, and love to make things that people really enjoy). A good thing to do, as another poster stated, is to stock up on cake mix or brownie mix (or flour, sugar and margarine/butter, chocolate chips) as well as pie filling, nuts, etc. when it goes on sale, and use coupons! Then when something comes up, just throw together a chocolate cake, or a “dump” cake. You can bring it in for random occasions too if you like. People love surprise goodies and snacks at the office! Even carrot sticks or fruit if people are on a diet.

I would try suggesting the discreet envelope method too for group gift or party-giving. That’s what we did. Most of the time I didn’t contribute, because I don’t usually carry cash; but no one really knew that I didn’t pitch in! LOL

However, I do agree with Kris on the kids fundraisers. My child(ren) participate in those on a very limited basis, if at all. They are allowed to approach me, my parents and my siblings only. Exception: Girl Scout Cookies….those things sell themselves and people wait anxiously for them each year, even if they are ridiculously over priced. DD did peddle those to the neighbors the one year she participated in Girl Scouts.

But especially over the past 3 years, rational people would realize we’re not open wallets to support their tea parties and such at work.

And for those that call me a party pooper, I’ve contributed to (I counted) 17 baby showers, 10 bridal showers, and 3 going away parties. I will get NONE of this back due to my life choices, and only a 1/4 of the people were friends. I’d rather be donating this to charities for these people than chipping in to gift cards.

What if you actually cultivated relationships in your personal life, instead of pretending that your co-workers are actually your friends?

What if people actually threw parties and gave gifts to those they selected as friends, voluntarily, without expecting it to “come around” to them?

That’s the whole point of my previous comments: If you LIKE somebody, invite them over to your HOME, on your OWN TIME. Bring them a gift that YOU bought. Make them a part of your social life. In other words, make a FRIEND of them.

… rather than attempting to involve the whole office in personal relationships at work, which is ridiculous.

(And then calling it “networking.” How vulgar to pretend to be friends because people can help you.)

Tweaking the phrasing keeps you empowered.

Thanks Luis for your thoughtful comments!

I worked at a hospital for 6 months last year and at the end as a thank you the ladies all got me some leaving presents. The problem was, they really didn’t know me that well (completely different generation/taste etc) so what I essentially ended up with was a bundle of junk. I felt really bad because I didn’t really want anything they’d bought me and I knew how little they all earned.

The same thing had happened at my previous company- I left after my 10 month contract expired to do some travelling and got gifted a mini suitcase (completely useless, I already had a good quality one), a beginners guide to gardening (I’ve been gardening since I was a kid) and a guide book to a place I wasn’t even going to.

It’s bad that employees get pressured into chipping in for other’s gifts when quite often a card is enough to show your sentiment.

I caved on the lunches to keep the peace, but always had a family event or community obligation that kept my out of work time “busy”. Eventually I figured out that I would never fit in with a bunch of boozing smokers who were either single or bad-mouthed their husbands, and freely judged everyone outside of the “circle” with contempt. (The off-site manager was just as bad, and a joke in the organization for micro-mini’s, plunging necklines, and a total reliance on her on-site hench-woman to judge professional performance. I left just as soon as I could, and now am thrilled to be working with genuine professionals who act as such.

We also have a small group so we didn’t have a problem celebrating major life events like weddings and babies since amongst the group that only happened about once a year.

I would recommend to Erin to read “Your Money or Your Life”. First, it would teach her that her job’s job is to put money in her bank account so she can reach her goals, not to provide friends in the form of co-workers. Wouldn’t she rather spend that office party money on socializing with her real friends anyways?

And secondly, next time she’s looking for a job, she would have learned to figure out a job’s real hourly wage by deducting job-realated expenses like these office parties from her actual paycheck, and then she could determine ahead of time whether this job’s wage still meets her financial needs. (I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense to people who haven’t read the book).

Like I said, I haven’t worked in this environment so I’m not sure what this office peer pressure is like, or how crucial it is to be popular at work. But I think either way at some point in our lives we have to decide what’s more important, reaching our goals or being liked by everybody…

You should really think about the effects of people taking your “advice” before you dole it out. How many 5 year olds asking for money can your office take?

I worked in one of these “young company” offices for a while, and it really made me miss the express hierarchy of my old economy company, where the bosses had often worked their way up from entry level and wanted to show off/take care of their teams, instead of the fake “we’re all in this together” touchy feely crap.

people generally assume the worse and in America, land of spending freely (yours or someone elses’), not being able to afford, automatically means you have screwed up enough that you HAVE to be frugal (maxed out the cards, late on payments, judgments etc.)

And who thought the boss had no business in your money? you do realize that most corporations run a credit check, even if informal, on most applicants above a certain pay grade? (Or maybe that’s just big city.)

I like to give and budget to give. But when I realized a couple of years into a “new” company, that I was beginning to resent how much hat was being passed, I took a good look at the internal “why”.

That’s when I realized that I resented giving simply because I wasn’t real crazy about the group I was working with…for all sorts of reasons, and resented giving so much budget to people I really didn’t like and didn’t want to know outside of work….

And so realized it was time for a new workplace…

wrong doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen; doesn’t mean it won’t continue to happen; and doesn’t mean that who ever points out that the emperor has no clothes–even when he doesn’t–won’t be tarred and feathered for pointing it out.

this is for dealing with it when it does happen, without getting run out of town (or the job).