I am constantly changing. While many people are much the same today as they were yesterday (or last week or twenty years ago), I’m always evolving. This isn’t necessarily good or bad — it’s just who I am. Some of my friends think I’m fickle. I get that. (Kris tells me that I go through “phases”.) I prefer to view this constant change as growth. I don’t want to be the same person tomorrow as I am today. I enjoy the evolution.
But this continued growth creates complications. For one thing, it’s difficult for the Present Me to predict what the Future Me will like. Sometimes I’m right — but sometimes I’m wrong. (It’s not just me. Happiness expert Daniel Gilbert says that people are surprisingly bad at guessing what will bring them joy.)
Over the past couple of years, a variety of forces have been acting on my mind, subtly forcing me in new directions. (Mental glaciation!) I’ve been traveling. I’ve been reading. I’ve been talking to folks with unconventional lives. Pressure has been building. Then, earlier this month, the World Domination Summit burst things open. Now I find that I’m eager to shake up my current life and try something new.
I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to see natural wonders — and man-made wonders, too. I want to try new food. I want jump out of airplanes and swim with the sharks, trek over mountains and get lost in the jungle. (But not too lost.) I want to taste the world.
And so, I came home one night last week and announced, “I don’t want to live here anymore.”
Dream house
Kris and I own an 1800-square-foot farmhouse set on two-thirds of an acre. Our land is park-like: We’re surrounded by trees and shrubs, and we’ve spent the past eight years building a food-producing garden filled with herbs, vegetables, berry canes, and fruit trees. Despite the rural feel, our home is located in a typical suburban neighborhood about fifteen minutes from downtown Portland, which makes the place unique. (“I’ve never seen a property like this,” our real-estate agent told us when we first toured the house.)
When we bought this house in 2004, it was my dream home. I fell in love with it instantly. I’d always wanted to live in an old farmhouse, a place with charm and character. I was so emotionally invested in the house that I was willing to make a poor financial decision to buy it. (Thus setting into motion the course of events that would lead to my financial nadir and, eventually, the creation of Get Rich Slowly.)
Over the years, though, the house has become less of an oasis and more of a chore. Today, it seems like a burden. Yes, the yard is beautiful, but it requires constant maintenance. I’d rather be writing than pruning shrubs. And ninety minutes to mow the lawn? Ugh. Plus, the house itself seems too big for two people — even with all of our Stuff. We have whole rooms we rarely use. In short, this is no longer my dream house.
I’ve made oblique references to this problem for years now. (And sometimes, in the comments, the references have been decidedly non-oblique.) But until recently, my discontent has never taken any form other than mumbling. Now, though, I feel moved to action.
No quick fix
Unfortunately, it’s not easy to simply say “I don’t want to live here anymore” and move on to someplace new. Selling (or buying) a home is a huge undertaking. There are many things to consider.
For one, I’m not sure what I really want. I know what I don’t want — which is this house — but I’m not sure where I’d rather live. An apartment? A smaller house? In the country? In the city? It’s tough to choose something different when you don’t actually know what you want.
Also, the Stuff is still an issue. Yes, I’ve been slowly purging things for the past four years, but I still have way too much. I still feel overwhelmed. (This is primarily because my definition of “needs” keeps shrinking. I mean, I can live out of a single carry-on suitcase for a month when I travel. Why do I need rooms filled with Stuff when I’m home?) If we’re going to move, I don’t want to take all of this with me.
And, of course, there are financial ramifications. Does it really make sense to sell in this market? I’m fortunate to be in a position that allows me to work from anywhere. Kris has a job that she loves, though, and it’s tied to a specific location. How do we account for this? (Also, what about the costs of my proposed travel?)
But the biggest reason Kris and I don’t just pick up and move to someplace smaller is that she still loves our home. This is her dream house. I’ve changed; she hasn’t. I may be unhappy here, but she’d be unhappy moving elsewhere — especially when I don’t even know what it is I want.
Thus, there’s no quick fix to this situation. I remain discontented.
Stumbling toward happiness
I’m not sure what we’ll do in the long-term. This isn’t one of those posts where I describe a problem and then share a solution. We haven’t found a solution. Instead, after a couple of talks, Kris and I have decided on some stop-gap measures:
- I will explore solo travel. It may be that I won’t even like extended travel alone. It appeals to me right now, but what if I hate it? There’s no way to know unless I try. So, for the rest of the year, I’m going to head out on a series of personal adventures. (Thanks to the many GRS readers who have written with advice and offers to host me, by the way. You’re very kind.)
- I’ll hire somebody to do the yardwork I’m neglecting. It pains me to pay for this, but I have to face reality: I hate doing yardwork. I’d rather be writing and/or traveling. (And besides, the writing makes me money.) I’ll do what I can around the house, but hire somebody to do the rest. This will require giving up my comic-book habit, but I’m okay with that. I’d rather travel.
- I’ll be more diligent about purging my Stuff. As Adam Baker can attest, my workshop is filled with books and magazines and games and outdated electronics. There’s no need for me to keep all of this. Instead of just thinking about it, I need to actively shed this physical (and mental) baggage.
These are first steps. They’ll buy us time while I’m trying to discover who I am and what I want to do. If I’m still feeling oppressed in the winter or the spring, Kris and I will explore other options. Though, to be honest, I have no idea what those options might be.
Recently, Tammy Strobel from Rowdy Kittens offered an hilarious solution. Tammy and her husband are building a tiny house. She suggested that I could build a tiny house and put it in the middle of our huge lawn. “Then you could have what you want and Kris could have what she wants,” Tammy said. Clever. We’re not to that point yet, but who knows? Maybe next year at this time, I’ll be living like a gypsy in the middle of our yard.
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Yes. I am having the same conundrum. Right now I am living with my part-time kids in a very small house with a landlord that does the yard work. I only garden if and when I want to. The whole house can be cleaned in about an hour, top to bottom. I can’t own much stuff because it is too small. I still find I have things to let go of though because they are from my old life and not my new. I thought I would buy a house, but I really find I like calling the landlord for repairs instead of doing it myself. And my kids will be off in less than 10 years; what will I want to do then? Right now I think I want to work overseas at that point and maybe I really don’t want to be saddled with selling a house at that time. I do find that living frugally and simply and thoughtfully will keep as many of my options open as possible. Another problem is that I often drop interests and then want to pick them up later. I used to spend my time making quilts and other crafts. So I have a lot of fabric although I also gave away a great deal. I think the moment I get rid of all of it, my interest will revive. The same for other interests. I find I have been frequently looking for some old favorite book that I gave away ages ago. I really cannot predict what I will be like or want or need in 10 years. Without such a hectic life (work, kids, grad school), I may really get back to all of those cookbooks and craft supplies. Or maybe not…
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Regarding the phenomenon of getting interested in a craft/hobby as soon as you give a bunch of supplies away — could it be that you were dissatisfied with your existing projects, but unwilling to leave them unfinished, so you gave up on the whole craft? Then once you let go of those particular projects, the craft became appealing again.
Sometimes for me I’m frustrated at how a particular project is turning out. Other times, I actually don’t like the craft; I like the idea of it. Hard to distinguish till I go through the cycle a few times.
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Grab a copy of Barbara Sher’s Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams. Yes, it’s a bit self-helpy, with endless numbers of miserable people who just followed her simple advice and are now happy as clams, but the actual tips and suggestions are fantastic.
What I got from it – be honest about what you enjoy in a project/craft/hobby and that there’s nothing wrong with dropping said P/C/H when you are no longer enjoying it. I like taking craft classes and learning new things, so I no longer pretend that the class was a waste because I’m not actually doing any art book making. I now have plastic bins with tools and as many basic supplies as fit. I only buy materials where I can picture myself making the object and know what will become of it. I still tend to overcommit myself in terms of knitting, but it feels bounded.
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I would go through the stop-gap measures first before selling the house, especially if Kris is really happy. Is the reason you don’t like it financial and you think there are better places to put your money towards or do you just not like the house? You think this might just be an existential crisis?
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Ah, AC, this is a good question. Is it a financial issue or an existential issue? To be honest, it’s probably more of the latter. Financially, we’re fine. But I seem to be going through some sort of minor mid-life crisis. (How trite!)
There’s no question that we’ll work through the stop-gap measures (and probably other measures, too) before we do anything drastic. Kris really does love the house.
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I read this and immediately thought midlife crisis….
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Me too, but I fully support JD in pursuing his ambitions. I think we should all chase our dreams, even if they seem trite and fickle.
What I can tell you JD, from my own experience, is that you’ll love skydiving, and solo travel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I find when I’m on the other side of the planet by myself, I miss my girlfriend and wish she was there with me. I have no doubt you’ll feel the same way. Yes, it’s fun to travel and explore, but if there’s no one to share those moments with, it seems less…valuable. You’ll know what I mean when you’re out there on your own…(or maybe you won’t.)
Good luck either way!
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This seems to be going around. We’ve noticed it with friends and with ourselves (mid-life crisis). I’ve been aching to read The Power of Half and told my husband the other day that we could ready the house for sale — mostly just for the thrill of downsizing the maintenance. But we laughed it off as we have small kids and plenty of stuff.
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People tend to think of so-called midlife crisis as a sort of pathetic middle class phase but its really just the very real sense of how much time there is and come to the realization that we only have so much time left. I’m 55 and I find myself really grieving those things that I now know I really probably won’t be able to do. In your 40′s you still have the sense of urgency to get it all in. If you don’t pay attention to that urgency you may regret it. Do what you need to do, I predict it will settle down later. Don’t buy a Winnebago and spend the rest of your life traveling in it, many tried that and it didn’t seem to work
!
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hrm… this (seemingly widening) gap between what you want and what Kris wants worries me JD!
I think that in a lot of ways living a simpler life can mean making do with what you have just as much as reducing or simplifying. I also really don’t like that this is still Kris’ dream house and you want a change!
Regardless – I recommend getting rid of as much stuff as you can, and then traveling. Maybe not always internationally – maybe to a writer’s retreat, or a reader’s cabin they let you borrow, or to an apartment you can try out for size.
But frankly, I would scrap the idea of looking at this as an imminent change unless it is one Kris is as excited about as you are.
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Kris is being very supportive of my changing goals. She’s okay with the idea of solo travel. She can get behind the idea of me purging my Stuff. She’s even willing to accept the fact that I might hire somebody to do yardwork.
But because this is still Kris’ dream house, I’m not willing to press for radical change. I understand that I need to find a way to work through this in a way that supports her needs and desires, too. That’s our aim.
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JD –
These are great intermmediate actions. Solo travel especially will go a long way in helping you with self-discovery without making permanent changes. Who knows you might even gain a new appreciation for the house when you get back.
On bon’s idea of a writer’s cabin, how about you find a vacation home to rent for a month at a time? (Not buy as that would be a whole different ball game)
-Charlotte
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One more thing – will a Rocio Romero LV house fit in Rosings? It is my dreamhome, google it!
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Nice! I’m guessing that if building a tiny house on the lot is possible and Kris likes the big farmhouse, that a more traditional-looking tiny house might be more appealing. I think that’s a pretty valid idea and could incorporate JD’s concept of moving only the essentials out there over time. Maybe find something, try it out, have Kris try it out and see what you both think. Good luck!!
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Great idea! Build a tiny house on your property, put in only the essentials, and use it as your retreat. Hire someone to do the yardwork and maintenance if you don’t want to do it anymore (you don’t want your beautiful yard to become seedy). Then you can be happy and pursue some of your desires, and Kris can be happy too. And if you change back and decide this house is once again your dream, you won’t have lost it (since it’s such a unique property, you’d never find something like it again).
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I also often have an itch for change and for new experiences, including moving. What helps me is to plan the change, to research different places and ways of living, to just think about different things. The thinking and planning is one of my hobbies. Usually once I’ve thought it to death, I don’t really want to do it any more. But the thinking entertains me in the mean time. I also agree about just trying new activities that aren’t involved with moving. I’m trying to do more of that now, so my life isn’t just about work and decompressing at home.
Luckily, I have a spouse who isn’t so eager to do new things constantly so my gypsy urges are toned down by his tastes.
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Kestra – I do this too! Glad I’m not the only one. Recently I thought it would be great to live off the grid for a while, in a cabin or something like that. By the time I was done researching all the details… what kind of kerosene lamps to buy? etc. I was totally over the idea, and decided that what I really wanted was to just focus on reducing my resource consumption here in my urban home.
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Sounds like you got really spun up and are still riding the high.
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Every house has it’s good & bad.
It sounds to me like you think this house belongs to the “old” you and now you want to move somewhere that the “new” you can feel like the ownership.
I think a lot of couples go through this when they get together – ie they have to have a new house to be “theirs”.
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I can relate to your conundrum because I’m in a similar place. My house is much smaller than yours but I still find its care and upkeep (and the volume of “stuff” it holds) overwhelming. My husband and I joke about how silly it is to have a 1300 sq ft house when we’re nearly always together in a few small rooms. We’re working together to radically rework our living quarters (and life) in the next five years.
Since you enjoy writing, I suggest you write about what you want your home to do for you. What kind of feeling do you want to get from it? What will it contain? How will you interact with it on a regular basis?
So many people start off thinking about the features of a house they want (# of bedrooms, # of bathrooms, size of lot, apartment or detached). But the better approach is to think of the functions you want and how you want to interact with your home.
That would probably open up all kinds of possibilities that you haven’t considered yet.
Hiring a lawn care company is a good example of you already trying to figure out what will make your current home work better for you.
Good luck to both you and Kris as you shape your life and home.
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Your house looks so much bigger than 1800 square feet. Anyway…
When I first start reading your article, I thought “try paying someone to do some of the tasks you feel bogged down by and see if it becomes your dream home again”. Think about it, I am sure you make more money writing than you would paying someone to do yard work. It will give you more time to generate income if you want to look at it that way. (or to golf, your choice.)
Your house is my dream home, I would absolute love it. However, I can see where it would be difficult to maintain. That is why you should just pay the experts to do it, and then you can focus on what you are an expert on. Or, buy a bunch of goats…
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Or, buy a bunch of goats…
So hilarious on so many levels.
(Kris loves goats. We’ve talked about getting them in the past. It hadn’t occurred to me to suggest these as a solution to our current dilemma, primarily because our talks have been sober and not silly. But I like it!)
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Sometimes the silliest talks can yield the best results. Upon lamenting the fact I can’t afford to rent where I study, a friend today suggested that I rent a boat on the canal instead. I’m now looking at it. Totally silly throwaway comment, but it might change my life forever.
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J.D.,
Goats are in-discriminatory about what they eat and would eat your deliberately planted garden.
Katy
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And anything else they can get their mouth on. On the other hand, you can milk them and make all kinds of foods, soap, etc.
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or you build a temporary fence on the lawn where you want the goats to be
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I was also going to suggest hiring yard help and then saw you mentioned that as a stop-gap, woot! And sometimes fun ideas like the goats make the subject easier to deal with.
You may find you love your home but don’t like maintenance (like me). I happily pay for biweekly lawn care so I can enjoy my home and pursue blogging full time uninterrupted by the yard stuff I don’t like. It allows me to enjoy our home instead of resenting it and is totally worth the $50 a month in my opinion for our small yard (it’s like 1/10th of your yard which is gorgeous) – I bet it will make things way better for you too! Good luck!
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I have just recently started following our blog, but I understand what you mean by the constant little changes, A friend of mine calls the “mini-deaths that bring forth new life within an individual”.
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Lololol! Is that like the other “petite morte” that leads to new life?
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J.D.,
I just finished a book written from a scientific view of happiness called The How of Happiness. It the book it discusses how our brains are naturally inclined to something known as hedonistic adaptation.
Basically the theory (which seems evident to me once pointed out) is that any shiny new thing or experience we are exposed to, we get used to and adapt over time and begin the itch for another shiny new thing or experience. I guess your situation would feed that “need” since you say your desire in constant change.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic for one person to live in the home primarily while the other travels for periods of time and makes money. Isn’t that what truck drivers all across the country do?
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It sounds like it’s the upkeep of the house (and perhaps even the guilt you feel about neglecting it) that is making you have negative feelings about it. Money is not a concern, so outsource the stuff you hate to do. Hire someone for gardening. Hire someone to paint your trim, tighten shutters, clean your gutters, etc.
There is no shame in paying someone else to do the stuff that you don’t want to do IF you can afford it. In fact, that’s one of the perks of becoming wealthy.
I also think you should be hiring a professional organizer to sit with you a few times and systematically go through your Stuff and teach you the thinking patterns that are associated with letting go. Once you understand the internal dialog you’re having with yourself that makes you want to keep things, it will be easier to stop those patterns and rewire your brain.
As for selling the house, try to live with it on different terms and see if you can fall in love with it again (why does this feel like marriage advice?)
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I’m going to agree with Alexandra. I think you should move quickly to resolve as many of these issues as you can. You will end up spending some $ along the way, but it’s a lot cheaper than travel or more permanent decisions. I would then urge you to pay special attention to your mini mid-life crisis and see if these really are the issues or are these simply a symptom of something more?
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JD, I trust your judgement and I know that you love Kris, so I’m not too worried you will do this, but – be careful not to give up something real and specific that Kris loves for something nebulous that you have an itch for. If someone does that too many times, it can break their partner’s heart. As you know, relationships are more important than things or money.
It sounds like you have a solid plan that does not involve moving too fast, so, good luck.
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I like the Tiny House suggestion, and the “buy a bunch of goats” suggestion. I very much like that you and Kris feel free to grapple with something as difficult as divergent desires.
Is having a large lawn something either of you really loves, or could you go wild and do something totally different with the space?
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J.D., I am having the exact same feelings about my life right now as well. My 22 year old self wanted to rush into the American Dream of owning a home and having a 9-5 office job. Five years later, I am NOT that person anymore. I fantasize every day about selling my house and quitting my job. Due to my mortgage being underwater and the housing market being terrible, I haven’t made a move yet. This, in turn, chains me to a job I don’t care about, with exception to the money I make. I do like your ideas for stop-gap measures. I am planning a one-month trip (at least) to Mexico and Central America. I don’t have enough time off work to do this, but I have to do it before I become completely apathetic to everything. If I get fired, so be it!
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Erin, when I was 29 I found myself in a job I hated and with nearly $10,000 in my savings account. I quit my job and moved to France. It was perhaps reckless and not at all financially wise, but I still consider it one of the best things I’ve ever done. I ended up getting a job teaching English there. I didn’t have a mortgage though…perhaps you could rent out your home?
You may want to be a little less reckless than I was. I ended up having to live with my parents for a year when I came back to California! Good luck whatever you do.
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You might find, that if you get out from under the mortage (by extra payments to not be underwater) you feel better about your situation just because you’re not stuck.
That does it for me. I hate being stuck in any way, but having a plan in place for how I could manage without my job, or without my partner, lets me see the value in them that the horrible imprisoned feeling obscured. (Or not, in the case of some jobs – but then I feel better and can perform well while looking for a new job).
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I live in the same house my husband bought new 30 years ago. We were married in the living room. I always say we will be buried in the orchard out back under the apple trees.
We are a people with roots that go deep. Our house is 2,800 sq ft and we use every single inch of it. In fact, a lot of the bedrooms double for other things. One bedroom is also the grandkids playroom. Another one is a guest bedroom with a fold away partition used to make the bedroom into a “school room” for my tutoring business.
Our home sits on half an acre. My husband and I are now in our 50′s and the work of this place is taking it’s toll on us. However, I do not even entertain the idea of leaving here. I have done exactly what you are suggesting, JD. I have outsourced the work. I have tutors helping me with the teaching. I hired a landscaper to do what my 10 year old son cannot do outdoors.
I have a housekeeper once a week, and a college girl that comes in two days a week (my tutoring days) to run errands, answer phones, watch the kids and do the myriad of other little things that it takes to keep a household running.
Now that I have outsourced a portion of the work, I am loving it. I enjoy my job more now and I don’t feel so stressed about the things I wasn’t getting done. It’s liberating to hire someone to do the things you can’t do anymore or that you don’t want to do anymore. I really think you should try that route before selling the place. And hey, maybe you could take in a boarder to use one of the empty rooms and to bring in a little money on the side!
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For those who are unaware (which is probably everyone), Mrs. Darling is my cousin. (She provided a couple of guest posts back in the early days of GRS.) Mrs. Darling and I have radically different lives and world views, but share the bond of family. It’s interesting to learn that she’s made some similar decisions.
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I love this post because I am going through something similar. We just bought a new house less than a year ago and I hate it. Some of my hate is directly related to the house (renovations needed) and some are more general like upkeep. As much as I hated renting b/c it was unstable, I miss those days of low responsibility.
And like you, my husband and I are not on the same wavelength. I also have kids which makes thing a lot more complicated. But the thing that scares me is that I always think the grass is greener somewhere else but when I get there the grass is just as brown. I think I am just the type of person that is chronically discontent. But freedom from home ownership sure sounds good to me.
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Carrie, it sounds to me like some time invested with a good therapist to see if you have depression would be well spent.
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I’ve gone through something similar, Carrie, and constant feelings of discontent can ruin your life. That sounds like a mindset you should get some help with before you make any decisions.
All best wishes.
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Your stop-gap measures – particularly paying for a gardener – sound like great first steps before such a big, costly change. I agree with bon above about the potential hazard of you and Kris growing in different directions. I suspect you’re just now being able to *really* explore your wants, needs and desires after getting your finances in order and have found a fulfilling job and interesting hobbies. Perhaps you’ll find when the house isn’t a hassle and when you’re home less often, you’ll place less importance on where you live, and then you and Kris can stay in her dream home.
Living in a big city (London) has taught me how much more I love our 2 bedroom, 600sq ft flat than the big (5-8,000 sq ft) family homes I grew up in. We aren’t minimalists, but we generally acquire less Stuff, and really enjoy keeping around things we love and find useful. It’s also taught us what aspects of our home we like the most and want to grow/enhance in our next place – a proper dining space (we love to cook and enjoy meals together), more space for entertaining (we like sharing meals with others, too), and a couple more bedrooms (assuming kids come along, so they have somewhere to live and we can house our parents when they visit). It’s nice that we’ve been able to start from a good place financially (ie similar views toward saving, investing, etc and able to pay our mortgage off very early in life) and that we can grow our home to meet our wants rather than having to purge or down-size and figure out what we don’t really need. I think it’s a lot harder to go from having a lot of Stuff and being confused to stripping ourself down to find out what you really want.
I’ve been fairly lucky in my marriage so far. In our nearly 6 years together (married for nearly 2 yrs), my husband and I have grown together, and have had to make few compromise to fulfill both of our dreams. I suspect that as we reach and go through our 30′s and if/when we have children, that our decision making and goal setting will become more challenging though.
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I’d like to echo bon’s comments above.
I’m the master (mistress?) of major life change, and thankfully my husband is usually on board. But I would urge you to tread carefully here. You’re going through a *huge* amount of change right now- be sure you don’t wind up leaving Kris behind. You guys have a wonderful thing going.
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What about buying or renting a second home? Since you can work from anywhere,you could spend a month or two every year by a lake or in the country, or even a different place every year. That would meet your need for change while Kris gets to stay where she is. Also, she can visit you on the weekends.
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In our area, the great regret of many midlifers is their second home (“lake homes” in a state of many lakes) because now there’s upkeep in TWO places!
I sometimes dream of replacing our lawn with astro-turf, but pretty sure the HOA would not approve.
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I like this suggestion. You could rent out a place for 2-3 months in Thailand, Indonesia, or other (cheaper to the dollar) places to explore those areas and how you would feel living in a different setting and still write to bring in the money to pay for it.
Honestly, it sounds like you have the “change” bug – that is, you want something big and important to occur in your life and thus you are doing things to make it so – and they aren’t big enough, so you want to go bigger, and your house is the biggest thing (besides Kris) in your life. We were, after all, meant for a nomadic life – but that doesn’t mean you need to ditch everything you know.
Try the long term travel – maybe enough months away will bring back the love you felt when you bought your current house, and remind you of what you enjoy about life while still letting you experience new things.
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If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d want to live in an apartment in a city, I’d have told you that you were crazy. My husband and I lived in a large farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, had dogs, a huge garden, enjoyed doing hours of outside work, and considered ourselves “country people.” Over the years we found the house to be too much and we downsized. An ill-advised move to the East Coast for a job that didn’t pan out put us in a poor financial position. We have since climbed out of that financial hole and moved back to the Midwest. Through these experiences, our idea of what makes us happy has evolved.
Earlier this year, my husband was offered a great, new job that required that we move to a small city. Even though where we live now wouldn’t be a “city” by most people’s standards, it’s huge to us since we both grew up in tiny towns. Our dogs have all passed away, so it’s just the two of us and we decided to try apartment life for a while. Surprisingly, we love it! Our week-ends are spent exploring our new city, getting out of town for some hiking, or taking week-end trips. We now feel like we have the freedom to travel more too. No worries about having someone take care of our house or pets while we’re gone.
Our other surprise was how much more money we now have. Owning a home has a lot of added expenses beyond the mortgage payment. Renting may be considered “throwing away money,” but for us right now it’s the best financial decision. It also allows us to be more open to taking advantage of job promotion opportunities that would require us to move to other locations.
The downsizing over the years from a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom farmhouse to our current 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment was initially a struggle. But the sense of freedom that we now have is amazing.
I think you’re wise to take babysteps and not jump to make any rash moves right now. It’s not a waste to pay someone to do yardwork or housework if you have the room in your budget for it, and if it frees you up to enjoy your life more. Best of luck on whatever final decision you make.
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My partner and I are on the same page with not wanting our current house – too old, too big, too much yard, too much work. What we’re NOT in agreement about yet is, what next? I would like a radical change – a tiny, semi-underground house, or a condo and a community garden plot; he would like a house just like this one but slightly smaller, slightly newer, easier upkeep.
So we’re plugging along with fixing up this one to sell for best price when the market picks up, and discussing (and discussing, and discussing) what the next step would be. I hope to have an agreement by 2019, when our son finished his current K-8 school and we have a great window for change.
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You are more like me- and Kris like my husband. I travel about six times a year (usually to family- but sometimes just anywhere). He loves to be home. Fortunately,he also loves to mow the 19 acres that we live on. My wanderlust does take a toll on our marriage- but after 29 years it is what it is.
I finally evaluated it. He spends his allowance on tools and house. I spend it on travel. We both maintain the house- and will until the day he dies. I think if the house went- so would our marriage. That “expense” is not worth it.
I have a tiny house all picked out in case he leaves the earth before I do. The kids have about three more years to get any of my family stuff before it is entirely purged. Just doing that makes me feel much lighter.
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We are the opposite couple. I joke with my wife that if she were to pass on before me I would gut the house of 90% of the contents and downsize to a smaller home. I would then travel. What stops me now is attending an old dog, and very old parents. My spouse is still bringing in items from her father’s estate that has yet to settle after over four years. My parents expect us kids to take the contents of their nearly 6 decades of clutter. I envy your ability to travel as we stopped working at 50 and can afford the expense but are held fast by obligations. My question would be, is your husband getting the short end of the stick being a homebody or is he content with that?
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I’ve been through several rounds of this, as I’ve moved from the idealistic young woman with time on her hands to the overburdened middle-aged working mother.
I actually love Tammy’s tiny house idea. Try it, see if you like it. Maybe you put it in the garden at Rosings (which would make it a plus as an “in-law apt” or guest space when you sell), or in a woodsy spot outside the city, but close enough for you & Kris to see each other regularly and you can keep for a vacation home if you move back to Rosings.)
As for the yardwork, you and Kris might put some thought into how you can change the landscaping to reduce the burden of yardwork. I adore flower gardens, but as my time commitments increased the time I had for garden maintenance has decreased. My solution was to create one smaller flower garden in a central location that could be seen from all the places I wanted: from the bay window in the living room, from the front steps as I leave the house, from the driveway as guests walk up to the entrance.
Good luck with your existential crisis!
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When my husband and I owned a large home in suburban Seattle in the late 70s, I was very unhappy. It was too big, too sprawling, too boring and too middle-class for the person I felt I was. At the time, I signed a quitclaim deed, so that he was the owner and I paid him rent. It was a mistake to buy it, but before we could sell it, we gradually moved into the living room. Created our own little cocoon of an apartment there. Would have moved the stove and the fridge in there if we could. The point is, if you’re not ready to move out of the house, you can create a little house within the big house.
It sounds like you and Kris allow each other a lot of freedom. Travel, having a second apartment, renting part of it, etc. are all options.
I do empathize with your situation. But one question…my husband and I chuckle (ruefully) over my “Town Charming” syndrome. Every town I visit, I think, I want to live there! Eugene! Ashland! Oaxaca! Portland! Bellingham! (Been there, done that) Could you be experiencing “Home Charming”?
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About the goats, folks … remember that these animals are SMART (and LOUD) and not necessarily the best choice for a non-farm situation! Sheep might be a better fit, don’t have to worry about out-thinking them
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Andrea’s right…also, goats are browsers not grazers, that means they eat leaves, not grass. If you turned sheep and goats loose on your property, sheep would eat the grass, goats would eat the shrubs and trees. I love goats, we have 9 of them, but nobody should acquire an animal without doing thorough research first.
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nice house that is….
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Given that you and Kris keep separate finances, would it make you happier if she paid more toward the house, freeing up more of your money for other things?
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How is that fair? They both own the home, both live there and are both responsible for it.
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To me, it wouldn’t be fair, but maybe to them, it would be! Who knows!
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No. Kris pays her fair share, and she shoulders much of the workload around the house. That’s not the issue. The issue is I don’t like my share of the work because it detracts from other things I’d rather be doing. (Which, fortunately, make me money.)
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Maybe you and Kris should set up another “laundry agreement.”
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I think once you don’t have to do the yard work anymore, you’ll be fine. The benefits of outsourcing a chore you loathe (if you can afford to) are well worth it.
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One thing that always makes me fall in love with my house is redecorating a room (albeit on the cheap). I’ve become somewhat of an expert at redoing a room (paint, drapery, and furniture) for a $200-300 bucks and in the end it always becomes such a source of pride and pleasure. An added bonus is that it forces me to go through and organize/donate/sell the stuff in that room. Not that decorating is your thing, but perhaps there are other small projects or improvements that would reconnect you to your home.
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You are so right on about not being able to predict what your future self will want or where you’ll be. I recently went through a divorce (didn’t predict that) and live in a 1bd apt. I’m saving up for the house I’ve always wanted. I have the perfect Tumbleweed house picked out – even have a framed pic of it to inspire me.
A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend about how as single people everything for the household falls on us – grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing the car, etc. I’m already so busy at this point I don’t really have time to add in a house and a garden. Given a choice between cleaning a house and working in the garden, I want the garden.
So now I’m wondering how small a house I can really comfortably live in. I think a tiny house is too little but is it? Will my future self think it is? And I like being single but if I get involved with someone else, will it be too small for him? What if he’s really tall and I pick the short ceilings options?
So I feel for you, JD!
Wanting different things than what your spouse wants can be difficult too but you two are so creative and good at compromise (as evidenced by the laundry agreement
among other things) that I’m sure you’ll come up with a good solution.
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Love the tumbleweed designs! They are very well thought-out and similar to the house I ended up purchasing. I am a single person in 440 square feet. I would say you have to enjoy efficient living, but it does not ever feel crowded or cramped. I try to make purchases of furniture sized to fit the space. I spend A LOT of time with my tape measure seeing if pieces will fit!!
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J.D., my initial thought is why isn’t Kris contributing to funding the yardwork? If I remember correctly, you’re paying for cleaning because you’re not as tidy, but I don’t think it’s fair where you are still a seperate pots couple, you take care of cleaning support and yard crew. Yard work is one of those couple responsibilities (unless the couple decides that cleaning up inside for both people is one person’s responsibility and cleaning up outside for both is the other’s).
On a different but similar note, I wonder if you are throwing out the baby with the bath water. It sounds like you have small aspects that bother you with the house, and you are pinning the dislikes altogether on the house. I recall post about you walking in your neighborhood or going to the gym and you seem to like the location of your house. If you don’t like trimming hedges or mowing the lawn, change those aspects. Get rid of the bushes and plant small ornamental trees that don’t grow much (and don’t require trimming). Do you have a good riding lawn mover? Mowing the lawn can be fun on some of those–and done quickly.
As for the house being too big, it’s 1800 sq. feet. While a better-sized house may be 1200 sq. feet, that’s not a HUGE amount of difference and doesn’t really change the tasks that need doing. See this an oppt. If you have rooms that you don’t use much, take ALL your stuff and store it in an extra room for a year. Pull out only those things that you need and want. Then sell or give the other items away. (You can incorporate your idea today of purging, by using your current house instead of moving to a new house to purge).
Some people can live in an 800 sq. foot home very well, or less, but I would play that one out at your home before moving to something too small. I know many couples that need more brething room and personal space. Again, you can try it out in your own home. Close off x number of rooms so you have an 800 sq foot home and see if you are happy living in that small of a space together.
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DH and I live in 800 square feet and love(ed) it. We could clean the whole thing top to bottom in an hour or less, and all our space was well used. Until we got kids, that is. Now, it is feeling cramped. For us, 400 square feet per person feels about right if it is laid our well. YMMV.
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Maybe you can look for a house swap in the Portland area? Consider what you would want in a new home and find someone looking for what you have. Swap houses for 1-4 weeks and continue about your normal lives. Even Kris may find it an interesting experiment.
You may find it’s a case of “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone”, and run back to your home. Kris may also be surprised with things she doesn’t miss.
Granted, such a short swap doesn’t consider the longer term factors like house maintenance and such.
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If you can afford to pay someone to take over the tasks you find burdensome I think that might be a great partial solution. As for the extra rooms I’d say you should de-clutter and get rid of your stuff like you’re moving into a tiny house and then just ignore the extra rooms or turn them over for Kris’s use. If you have unused space, so what?
Where you are living isn’t a huge part of your life, HOW you are living is. Changing how you live my satisfy the itch to change where you live. Challenging yourself within the confines of your own home to meet your ideals is probably more meaningful and lasting than just buying plane tickets or jumping out of airplanes.
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If I didn’t have to work, I’d do exactly what you’re considering doing: leave my homebody husband at home, and travel.
I think it’s a great idea! My hubby’s idea of financial freedom is being able to afford a big house and all the accoutrements; mine is to own as little as possible and travel the world. We meet in the middle by renting a medium-size house and traveling as much as our jobs/income will allow. You may just be experiencing a deep personal wanderlust; after a couple of extended solo trips, you may find that you like your big house/yard a lot more. 
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It does sound like mid-life crisis, and as cliche as it sounds, it exists – purely because we evolve by the age of 40+. We also hope our SO would evolve in the same direction, and at approximately same speed. The “speed” is what I deal with (a.k.a. I am faster in my idea of “I need nothing”). But it is something that is much less overwhelming than different views at all.
I don’t have a solution (who does?). Add on children involved, and ex-spouses, and it gets more complicated than you bargained for. I do know what my dream place to live looks like, where it is, and we both are making steps towards it. Sometimes it is just hard to settle for such a long wait.
But oh, yeah, the decluttering is a great idea, as well as outsourcing some things you despise.
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JD, you remind me of Pa Wilder from the Little House books. He wanted to keep moving West because he was such a nomad, but his wife wanted to stay in a town so their daughters could go to school. They compromised – they moved for a number of years, then stopped after about 15 years (I think) of marriage.
Maybe you need to re-visit why you and Kris bought such a huge house in the first place. Was it too good to pass up? Did you have any plans for all that space? For instance, did either of you want a library in one of the spare rooms, or did you want a studio for crafts?
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I do not know you personally but I enjoy reading your site and, in reading it, I have picked up specific clues in the things you have written. Seems to me that this is not all about the house but I won’t say any more than that….
Regarding the stuff, spend a little bit of time each day tackling a corner, a closet, Craigslisting bit by bit, filling a trash can or two, etc. I am a hoarder who has abandoned the hoarding mindset but it still takes time to rid oneself of the anchor stuff. After 3 years, I am still paring down my possessions.
Regarding the big house and grounds, I’ve been there and done that. Ownership of such a large place proved restrictive in many more ways than one and for me personally, moving on from it has been for the best. I plan to sell my current home in about 4-5 years time and be a nomad for the ensuing decade. By that time, the spouse and I do not plan to have a fixed abode or any of the stuff that comes along with it. Slowly, slowly, slowly we’ll have progressed (I guess) from massive hoarding to owning only the stuff that will fit in a backpack! Can’t wait.
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WOW. When you reach nirvana, don’t forget to write a post about its financial implications!
You’re not growing. You’re just in a rather typical mid-life crisis. Some men buy a porsche. You want to find meaning with a bunch of strangers on the road. Good luck with that.
People over and over have suggested you volunteer some of your time to your community and those in need. Instead you took a paid tour of a slum and posted pictures and videos of poor people (without their permission) for your financial gain. Readers have suggested you find people who are passionate about giving back and help them. Instead you obsess about whether some charity should spend money on a building without doing any research on the issue, asking for learned opinions or offering help in any way. Readers have said over and over that community and charity work provided meaning to their lives and suggested you give it a try. Instead, you’ve spent the last year obsessed with how you look, what you eat and how much you weigh.
And now you claim, you’re evolving while others don’t. Devolving into self obsessiveness seems a little more like it. Not all change is good.
I get it – you’re bored. So find something meaningful to do and do it. Stop going to self help conferences and reading aphorisms. DO SOMETHING.
If you want to sell your home, find one you and your wife can agree on. This is not a huge problem. (And yes, it shouldn’t have taken a psychic to predict that a couple without children probably won’t use or need your rooms on a regular basis. That’s a a big house for just two people.) If you can’t agree on how to live, live with it for her sake or get a divorce and go your separate ways If you want to travel, book a flight or grab your keys and go. But don’t tell me you’re evolving more than the rest of us.
I hate middle class ennui.
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JD, as well as purging stuff, have you considered screening for Adult ADHD? A great place to start is “Is IT You, Me or Adult ADD?”
http://adhdrollercoaster.org/about-2/
You have made some great steps in self-treatment – daily exercise, better eating, structuring your day.
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“middle class ennui” is a real problem in this country. You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.
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What an ignorant misogynistic comment, and wholly inappropriate. Usually such base and distasteful language is not permitted on GRS, this is not an alley or a pool hall. A comment like that does not add any substance to this discussion. It’s telling that JD and/or moderators let this one through. It seems to be a double standard. We are cautioned to treat the authors of “reader stories” with respect and forewarned that unduly nasty comments will be deleted. What is more unduly nasty than calling someone a bitch.
Since when is being candid only the province of men. A lot of male commentators on this blog are crass and overly contentious and no one has accused them of being a “bitch.”
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Oh, sorry. She doesn’t have to be such an arrogant snot about it then. Dismissive and know- it- allish too.
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Anne was blunt, and a bit harsh, but I’m sorry – I agreed w/everything she said.
JD’s a bit “wrapped-up” in himself (and, let’s admit, self-absorption’s going to happen w/a successful blog that people want to HEAR all about your life).
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I hate to pile on JD, but Anne is right. When I read the article about the world domination summit, I couldn’t help but notice the undercurrent of me, me and more me. I agree it is very important to follow your heart and pursue interests that make you happy, but your wife should be one of the biggest sources of your happiness. I am sure you could find a way as a couple and individually to pursue your (and kris’) interests. Maybe in addition to getting rich slowly, you should also try to gain contentment.
I LOVE your blog and look forward to it everyday. I hope everything works out .
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Thank you for saying what I was feeling; sometimes it takes harsh words to break through the navel-gazing. In AA there is a term called doing a geographical — the person moves or changes his life circumstances and is surprised to find that he is still as dissatisfied as before. Spend an afternoon at a soup kitchen or visiting patients on a cancer ward and write about that, JD, please. You have a lot going for you, but you risk losing it all. Keeping the house is a no brainer — your wife loves it and you love her and you both can afford it.
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Man, a little harsh.
Another Anne
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It’s okay. Anne’s not saying anything I haven’t though already. I disagree re: taking action, though. (I feel like I take more action on things than nearly anyone I know!) But I’m well-aware that there’s some serious self-centeredness going on here. I can’t change what I feel, though. I’m not going to subvert me needs and emotions just because other people think they’re wrong. I have to do what’s right for me, yes? And right now, that means a path of self-discovery.
Anne’s comment may seem harsh, but it’s no harsher than the things I’ve already thought. I am my own worst critic!
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” I have to do what’s right for me.”
Did you hear yourself say that?
That’s sometimes the beginning of the end of a relationship.
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I’m not going to subvert me needs
But…youre not a me, youre part of a couple. The above phrase speaks volumes. Subverting me needs (or frankly, in your case, wants it sounds like) is part of living in the world. You get to have some of what you want, but not all.
I would love to hear Kris speak on this outside of your hearing.
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BTW, You should add a down-vote link to go along with your up-vote link. There are so many wrong comments in this thread and no way to down vote!
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Having a “down” vote for commentary would put this illustrious blog on par with You Tube. *frighteningly shudders*
One of the things I absolutely love about GRS is that the commentary is usually quite substantive and very diverse. There is no tyranny of the majority here. Everyone’s contributions should be equally valued. I think having a “down” vote would force the commentary, GRS’s best feature, to devolve.
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J.D.,
First, I’ve been reading your blog for at least 3 years and think very highly of you and your accomplishments. Here is how I interpret your recent history and current situation:
You have impulsive and compulsive tendencies. The result, many years ago, was that you found yourself in debt. You thought that you needed comic books, so you bought them. You turned your compulsive tendency to buy stuff into an all out war on debt, a very good thing. Once out of debt, you needed a new avenue to channel your compulsive nature towards and you chose fitness and health, another good thing. Now you are fit and healthy and you are looking for something new.
I fear that your hunger for travel and new adventures, is simply a replacement for comic books and will lead to a similar place; not debt (you are too smart to let that happen again), but some other form of discontentment.
You said it yourself, you (like most people) are poor at predicting what will make you happy. Based on my own experience, I truly believe that the only thing that will bring you long and lasting life satisfaction is the giving of your self. You cannot be content as long as you are looking out primarily for yourself, because your self has an unquenchable desire for life experiences that can never be satisfied. To be content requires self sacrifice, giving to your wife, neighbors, community, and beyond. Once you forget about yourself, and start putting others first, you will find contentment. It is hard to be discontent when you are thinking about others first.
You say you can’t change what you feel. I disagree. Five (or more?) years ago, you felt that you needed more comic books. That was a real feeling, but you were able to look at the feeling objectively and change it. You’re new feelings are no different.
Just my 2 cents.
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Well said, Brent.
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Right on target, Brent, and said in a non-judgmental way as well.
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“I can’t change what I feel”
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. It is how one acts on those feelings that makes all the difference and, when a person is married, those actions affect two lives.
Sounds to me like a touch of “I’m bored, let’s have a problem” thinking.
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Just take a gander at the current divorce rates, and it’s evident that creating a successful and fulfilling marriage with enough elasticity to allow for individual growth/evolution is quite a challenge.
My only advice would be to reciprocate the patience and restraint that Kris did when you were making disastrous money decisions for prolonged lengths of time.
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Actually you CAN change how you feel. I’m sure you have over any number of things, so that statement is just silly. And don’t subvert your needs and emotions because other people think they’re wrong, but if you look up from your belly button and decide for yourself that they are wrong. None of us can have the whole story, but the things you are setting out are potentially hurtful to your mate if she subverts HER desires to yours. And as for doing what’s right for you: Absolutely not. You need to do what is right, period. Sometimes that isn’t what is right for you, and unfortunately it is often contrary to what you WANT, which is really what you’re talking about anyway.
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Very interesting. I’ll also add that people change how they feel all the time – with work. Like gaining control over any aspect of a life that is out of balance, it takes work. Sometimes our feelings are a great barometer and other times they aren’t. Life isn’t a sitcom or a motivational speech. It’s messy. it’s why studies show we’re bad at predicting what we want. Our feelings mislead us.
People who suffer from anxiety change their feelings. Sure, for some it often takes drugs to help the process along. (Alas, there is no pill to help with middle class ennui.) But the real work is done by the person who chooses to feel differently in the same situations.
Saying you can’t change your feelings is a cop out. You can. You can choose how to feel about your life with a wife who loves her house and gets great joy out of her garden. You absolutely can choose to put her first and ENJOY the process.
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I agree with the bluntness. Sometimes it takes well placed words to give a wakeup call. We in the United States are so well off compared to most of the world’s population that they want to come here because even our poor are fat (a sign of wealth in very poor countries). My question would be is JD just feeling wanderlust because maybe most of the people he met at the conference were able to drop things at a moments notice and trek off hither and yon? Perhaps most were single and not as tied down to property or spouse’s job location? Cheer up JD, you could be blogging about counting toilet paper squares and making your own laundry soap. But then, you are into the third stage of your financial independence.
I can’t get past the his and her and ours division of money in a marriage, but I am old school where all goes into and out of the common pot.
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There is a theory that being underweight and being overweight are both signs of malnourishment. You eat more and more empty calorie food and your body will crave food until you get the nutrients you need.
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I don’t agree at all with the tone of this comment; I think we have to take care of ourselves to care for others and that we should admire J.D. for having the courage to write honestly about his struggles as he tries to learn to do both.
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Thank you!
As soon as I read this article I thought ‘mid-life crisis’. We all reach plateaus of experience where we grow tired of our lives, and all JD had done is replace the constant desire for material goods with something equally bad.
‘I remain discontented.’ So? Nobody is ever content! That’s the reason everyone does *everything*.
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I so relate to your frustration and overwhelmed feeling of having so much stuff. I have been going thru that this last year. I can’t seem to get rid of things fast enough. I have had to remind myself that it took time to collect and it is going to take time to sell, cull and get rid of. Somehow none of these things interest me anymore. I don’t know why, but I have changed. Why can I go away on vacation and be happy with very little, but have to have ALL THIS STUFF at my casa??? Something is wrong with this picture. So…though I don’t have any true nugget to share with you, maybe you can have consolation that someone else is going through what you are going through…and realize as I have had to do, it will take time to come to the right mix of things for your life now.
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I can’t wait to see how this unfolds for you J.D. My husband and I are in much of the same predicament — I would like to travel and not have so much house to take care of, and he likes things the way they are.
And regarding the dreaded *stuff* that fills a house – I’m with you. I would love to empty all of the crap that fills our basement, garage and unoccupied bedroom upstairs. The stuff we’ve accumulated throughout our lives becomes stifling. We’ve stopped allowing new stuff in, but we have the stuff that’s already here to deal with.
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I’ve been doing this for five years -it’s part of the long-term goal of moving to a smaller place – and it’s very rewarding, all on its own. Go for it!
There’s a great community of unclutters at unclutterer.com (along with Erin Dolan’s excellent articles) and I know there are other commenters there who read JD’s blog as well.
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Hmm..as someone who may not have been reading as long as some others, I’ll agree that some of your posts imply a developing gap between your and your wife’s intersts and goals. Thats not in and of itself terrible..my late husband took long ski trips by himself and I took quilting road trips alone for years. But still.
Also, I agree with others about elminating what you dont like doing. And not just the mowing. If its something that Kris doesnt love as well, even cleaning the house, source it out. And relook at the house and what rooms can be used for a purposed for each use
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J.D. –
I guess I’m a little puzzled as to *what* you don’t like about the house. Given that Kris has a job that requires living in one place (ie you can’t be permanent nomads), you have to plunk yourself down somewhere.
It seems to me like you’ve generalized too much about why you’re not happy with the house. I’d really urge you to figure out which thing is bugging you before you take drastic action.
I don’t know if you’ve taken the time to list SPECIFICALLY why you don’t like the house or not – but I’d urge you to do that, and then see if you can address as many of those things as you can without moving.
Here are what I see as your grievances:
- Yard – too much upkeep
- Don’t use all the space in the house
- Too much Stuff in the house
You’ve offered solutions to two of those problems (yardwork and Stuff)… and it seems there are some potential solutions to the 3rd issue. Two potential suggestions:
- Is there an area of the house that you’re not using that you can “wall” off? My sister and her husband did this with the upstairs of their home last winter – put a big piece of insulating material as a “door” to the upstairs, and just lived downstairs.
- Can you use some of the “extra” space in a better way? Can a space be used as a craft room, garden starting room, or office? Can you move your office back into your home if the space is sufficiently separate? Can you take in a renter?
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I think I’m missing something in this post. I’m reading that the yard work for this home is too much trouble and travelling to different lands is more your style. Your wife wants to stay as she has a good job but you can work anywhere. So, the answer is to potentially get rid of the house and move. But you’re not sure where or what type of dwelling. I have to agree with Anne above- you’re BORED. If you can pay the bills, travel a bit for a vacation, live in a safe neighborhood, why go someplace else? I’ve lived in homes and apartments and a condo. I’ve lived in bad parts of town and great neighborhoods. We lived where the jobs took us. Right now, the family is split up since DH lost his job and works in another state while I’m caring for the kids. I’m a married person living like a single parent. If only we could all be together and let DH have a job that helps pay the bills. Focus on the right thing to do for everyone in your household. The decision to move or not should not be left up to one person. It should be a unanimous decision.
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Well, this post reminds me of my own personality traits.
A few thoughts:
Would it interest you and Kris to use up some of your rooms trying out hosting visiting students, faculty, etc., from other countries? I wonder if you could build a better sense of adventure in your current house while making good use of its space, while also reinvigorating you about your own area as a sort of ambassador for it.
While I doubt you want a second lake HOUSE or anything so invested, what about a fairly minimalist pied a terre in a city you love? (Or, given your shifting ideas of happiness, a rented pied a terre? Or a tiny house on someone else’s property that you two can visit?)
I love pretty stark minimalism . . . in other people’s lives. I always find it appealing and want to jump on board when I read about it. But some things are much more appealing to look at than live. To some extent, it’s okay to just say, You know, I love my Stuff, and I am happy to keep it. Reading things about minimalism can make it feel like that’s not okay when it is.
Last, people like us, with these traits–I think we have to be careful to remember that our sturdy, stable spouses often act as our anchors. It’s easy to undervalue that and to feel like their needs/wants for stability get in the way of the changes we think we (all-caps) NEED, when really they provide us a solid foundation to push off from when we go on our adventures of changing our lives in various ways. So do continue to keep in mind that there may be a few sacred things for Kris that you just have to work around, and the house could be one of them.
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I’ve got a pretty strong opinion on this: never buy or build your dream home. My husband and I have four houses. Three of them are rented to tenants and the fourth is our current home. We’ve done things like bathroom and closet renovations and simple landscaping to make the homes more comfortable for us and appealing for other people. Our houses are nice, but they’re not “dream” homes which is how we like it. As a consequence, we have no strong emotional ties to our properties. When it’s time to move on and explore something different, we’ll rent out our current home, too.
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JD – How about instead of a tiny house for yourself – you can build a small caretakers cottage? There are folks who love tending plants and you could get a great caretaker garden partner. Plus if it doesn’t offset the cost completely you would have a small stream of income, and who doesn’t love additional diversified streams of income
Since you don’t need the income you can take your time and be very picky about the occupant. It sounds like you have a unique and desireable space that would attract folks who want a foot in both the rural and suburban worlds. It could be converted to a workspace or guesthouse if it doesn’t work out.
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I empathize with the “gap”. I would love to have a smaller house and yard, but my husband would like them bigger. I don’t mind staying home and traveling locally, he wants to see the world. I could purge everything, and he has boxes and boxes of “keepsakes.”
Fortunately neither of us feels so strongly about it that we’re not happy with the middle ground. Sure it could be better, but it could be worse so I’ll take it as it is.
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Yikes. I see a lot of “I, I, I” in the article, then Kris is mentioned in a few sentences. I have to get this off my chest: this does not look good for you two, especially if one of your solutions is “Solo Travel”. Ie: even though you’re doing everything YOU want, you’re still doing the mid-life Crisis thing. Then, part of the solution is to move bit-by-bit, then sell the rest? What woman/spouse wants to live like THAT??
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Moving for 6 months straight sounds like HELL. If you don’t like doing housework (and who does, really?), that’s going to be a terrible solution. Moving should be like ripping off a band-aid- do it fast and get it over with.
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I didn’t read all the replies, so not sure if someone already suggested this… u guys could consider renting-out you’re current home & try renting smthing else for your selves. I don’t know if that’s an option in this market. That way you don’t lose your current place & aren’t tied to smthing new. Allowing u 2 change ur mind. Some days I feel the same way & my husband is my ‘Kris’ in the situation. It’s not my husband’s or Kris’s problem/ fault/ issue that they don’t feel/ change the exact same way. You must definitely consider ur spouse’s feelings when making such a big decision & I’m glad 2 hear it sounds like u r. Marriage is a partnership. It’s kind-of crappy 4 anyone 2 suggest that she should b changing the exact same way… does anyone know 2 people who constantly grow/ change/ evolve the same way? ur not clones of each other, lol. Good luck!
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Your Fantasy vs. Reality link is busted.
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