Yes! Precisely. Asking friends and family to volunteer so that your bill gets reduced, seems to me like a really mean way of putting the bill on them. I hope they are getting proper thanks for this free service.

But, I question the assumption (I’m paraphrasing) that direct involvement with the details of a wedding (or life transition, as you put it) heightens the experience. The weddings in my culture have always had such a major emphasis on cost-cutting, that often immediate family (especially the parents) are scurrying around non-stop on the day of the wedding, unable to enjoy themselves and usually tiring themselves out emotionally and physically. If I could give my parents and family the luxury of being taken care of and of being able to enjoy an event without being in troubleshooting mode all the time, I would gladly hire the most expensive wedding planner (yes, I will pay someone else to do something I could do myself) I can afford.

The few commenters here who have noted that some of the ideas in the article come across as ‘holier-than-thou’ have been largely dismissed or ignored, but I have to agree that occasionally, it does come across to me as ‘you are a chump for paying this much and bowing to society’s demands’. Nobody intentionally overpays for a wedding – they are paying exactly what they think they ought to pay for the quality of the services they are getting. And yes, by informing them of the options, you are doing a great service.

If the sentiment of the article is, “You will find your experience of a life transition heightened when you reject consumerism for the evil it is and rope in family to volunteer as much as possible”, then I don’t agree with it.

I’m right there with you. I am not artsy-craftsy, so I didn’t make anything myself. I hired florists, stationery companies, caterers, etc., because I wanted my wedding to look nice. If I had created the invitations myself, they would have looked disastrous.

OTOH, I have a friend who worked in a florist shop for years and knows how to put together a bouquet. She did her own flower arrangements for her wedding, and they looked great – because she played to her strengths.

If gifts weren’t expected, or mentioned, there would be no wedding registries or articles about the etiquette of gift-giving.

But for people you are not in the habit of seeing all the time, it is vulgar to invite people and then not host them, but have them bring their own food. The essence of hospitality is that serving food is MANDATORY, even if it is just punch and cake. You really can’t issue an invitation for hospitality and then not be a host in some small way.

(Invitations to the wedding service itself do not require “hospitality” in terms of food and drink, of course)

Also, it is complete made-up nonsense that the price of the food and drink should be roughly equal to that of the “expected” gift.

First of all, gifts are not “expected” or ever mentioned by those doing the inviting.

Second of all, viewing the gift and the hospitality in terms of a “trade” is incredibly vulgar and defines the opposite of generosity, on both sides. A wedding and reception is a ceremony and social event, not a business transaction.

I’m sorry that you find it to be “holier than thou” to honor a grandmother in the character of the family’s tradition. As I said in my post, everyone has to find their own way with these sorts of things. But in this case, the casket was made by family members who are furniture makers, and are accustomed to making such things. For them, it was the best way to honor their loved one– they couldn’t have afforded to purchase a multi-thousand dollar coffin, nor could grandma herself have afforded that. So they employed the assets they had available to them– in this case, their creativity and raw materials. It wasn’t done for public consumption, or approval, or to lord it over families who choose to purchase coffins instead. It was merely the best way they had to honor their dead. I find it somewhat sad if that seems holier-than-thou to you.

All of these things are choices that individuals and families have to make, and DO make every day. I was merely trying to stress that there are an infinite variety of choices, (as with all arenas of conscious spending), and choosing carefully can have rewards beyond (and including) the financial rewards.

Flowers/altar decor – bought at Costco, arranged by church friends

Dress – custom-made in the Philippines ($400). There is nothing like it.

Music – Provided by my violinist cousin as well as a hired string quartet.

Invitations – hand-made by friends. I hosted a party to make them. They were happy to do it.

We splurged for:

2 professional photographers. To us this was non-negotiable. We wanted great photos.

Lcoation – Beautiful mountain property in Evergreen, CO

Rings – Platinum, custom engraved.

Caterer – We wanted good food.

Paid in CASH for everything.

(Yes, a week. There’s a bridal shower, a bachelor party, a bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, then the next-day breakfast and/or picnic. Plus travel for many of them.)

In the end, the best part of our wedding was not the money we saved (though let’s just say we were WELL below the national average), but the memories we have and the fact that every aspect of our wedding was contributed by someone we knew personally, not just by a stranger we’d hired. So, even though spending more would have made the last three months much easier (and would have consumed much less of our time), I wouldn’t change a thing, other than the fact that it didn’t last as long as I would have liked!!

2) I’m sorry, but that funeral sounds like something you’d read about in The Onion. So now we can’t just mourn a death in the family, but, rather, we have to go out and cut down a tree or two, mill the wood, and build a casket? This takes the holier-than-thou strain of “simple living” to new heights.