Also, it is great that you’re paying a neighbor to help with some yard work. Doubly so since they’re job hunting and a bit of extra cash really helps.

For example, how often do we pay a professional to fix something that’s broken because we don’t know anyone in our social circle who can do such things. How often to we go “out on the town” because we have no one to share time with in less costly pursuits (I think this is a big part of the explosion in the entertainment industry in recent decades–the more disconnected we are from people, the more entertainment we chase).

And how many people are in therapy, paying someone to listen to them because there’s no one they can talk to in their limited social orbits? It’s not even a stretch to say that a lack of social interaction is a lot of why people are depressed (which could require costly medical treatment!).

There’s a deep financial connection to one’s level of social connectedness. If you’re in a neighborhood or community where people reach out the way they do in yours, it’s a blessing on so many fronts.

I have a hard time just sitting and talking because there is so much to do but I know most people find it rude. That is a good thing about crafting groups though you can work and talk at the same time. I think it’s easier for me to talk when I’m doing something else because there seems like less invasion of personal space (for the lack of a better phrase) Actually, that reminds me of something I read about communicating with teenagers. It was suggested instead of speaking with them face to face, standing next to them and talking while you’re working on something together. Which as I think back was the most effective for me when I was younger. It is less confrontational. Once I get to know someone it is easier to talk face to face.

Talking about shy and/or introverted people…being an introvert, I have particular talent for networking with them. There are several on my block who will come out to my little row house garden and read because they miss the green in this concrete jungle of ours and like the low-key social interaction. Some need a quiet cool place to pass the summer, not having AC or outdoor spaces of their own. Sometimes all we do is smile at each other in passing but they know if the gate is open, come on in and sit a spell. (The block has dubbed my yard “the shire” if that tells you anything.)

But when I was trying to establish a connection, I made a point to mention that I understood the concept of being alone, together. Took them a visit or two, but once they realized I meant what I said, they take me up on it whenever I’m out. The extroverts only come when there is a BBQ because they’ve learned that while I will talk and garden, I won’t stop gardening to talk.

That said, when money is tight and the garden goes lacking for it, the quiet ones are the first to step up and buy me a bag of mulch or dirt, offer a ride to the hardware store, bring me interesting tree branches for trellises or help cart rubbish to the curb…usually without me having to ask. They just put their book down and start helping.

I think this sentence caused a knee-jerk based perhaps on semantics and that, editorially, there might have been a clearer way to explain.

I don’t think it is so much that someone has “burned through” their social capital like a gambler on slot machines, as much as they either have not “invested enough” or “generated enough” social capital–as commented in other replies. The dynamic nature of social capital is such that it seems that to describe it as a hard investment that can be wasted is an inaccurate metaphor.

I suppose the person who never invests and only takes advantage until the taken wise up and quit forking over could be said to “burn through” …but that again seems more like a bernie madoff type scheme than a true non-return investment.

Either that or its like a day-trader who constantly shifts money around hoping for that magical 50% return instead of one who “gets rich slowly” and forgoes immediate gratification, investing long enough to generate solid wealth.

I give to my neighbors because I like to give, they give back to me for the same. The individual “gots” don’t really matter, it’s the “doing” that does.

If you know they love peaches, bring them some from a roadside stand the next time you pass one…or some such. If they mention going out of town, offer to care for their plants/pets/mail or something. Even if they have already made arrangements that time, the idea will have been planted that you are open to investing “social capital” and they may feel more comfortable going to you the next time. This strategy which works well with any of those you think may be suffering from “I hate to ask…” syndrome.

Re Irene, yeah social capital pays off. We didn’t evac but a new neighbor from Vermont was considering taking her teen daughter home to her ex but decided to stay after finding out all the neighbors were staying and that we had all prepared…(being unfamiliar with the city, she was afraid of a superdome experience with the city shelter).

Turns out her ex’s was flooded and not only would she have been stuck for several days if not weeks (in isolation with an unprepared ex from a nasty divorce) which she can ill-afford the missed work…she would have actually been in danger. But because of the close knit neighborhood she felt comfortable riding it out with us. (We also held keys and help board-up for those who did evac…mostly those with young children.)

I’m glad you posted this…I tend to have trouble finding the balance too. I have lovely neighbors I exchange things with, but the ladies next door have a coffee club and open door policy for people and pets (they have germans & rotws, I have a timid minpin), and everyone “stoops” during nice weather…extroverts who do not EVER like to be alone.

As an introvert, I find it difficult to find the balance between exchanging some time–because I like them and love my city neighborhood–but not so much that my alone, and work-from-home, time is not overtaken or my availability/inclusion taken for granted.

I have the garden, but they have the car…so balance maintained is crucial!

I think this concept also applies just as easily at work though it is targeted at home chores. Sometimes I help out my coworkers do something not related to my job. Sometime I will need their help on something.

If your neighbourhood doesn’t have such an exchange, you can do what my parents did. They donated my grandmother’s wheelchair to the nursing home where she had lived. There are always people who can’t afford equipment.

Gifts and compliments can be the hardest things to accept — but something we should learn to do gracefully.

None of this cost us any money, but it required a network of people we could call upon. Most of the time these connections are invisible, but going through this experience has made me realize how valuable those connections really are.

People “assumed” that everyone else would come help us move – “because you always take care of that stuff for everyone else.” “Because you have tons of friends.” Etc. Even when I ask for help directly, I find that if you’re a generally self-reliant person who mostly spends their time helping others, you don’t really get a lot of people willing to help back.

That’s OK – I don’t help my friends because I “expect” something or keep score. But I don’t like being told that they’re unwilling because I haven’t invested enough in them or have asked too frequently, which isn’t my case.

I grew up in a neighbourhood very similar to the ones your kids are growing up in now — lots of retirees! They were always willing to lend a hand in an emergency and always eager to help with our fundraising efforts and school projects. Many of them didn’t have their grand children near by, and it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much they enjoyed watching my siblings and I grow up and being a part of our lives.

Don’t knock what your neighbours are able to offer in way of social capital. I can understand that an old answering machine doesn’t mean anything to you, but don’t shut yourself off to the other ways your neighbours can contribute.

There are many reasons people can feel isolated or disconnected. Telling them to “get out there and meet more people!” is good advice, but the people who are giving it usually don’t understand how difficult it is.

There’s a certain class of people who have had it good enough in life that they literally cannot fathom how anyone could have it bad unless they really screwed up somewhere. Support systems can be invisible. So can social capital. And these people really cannot see how fortunate they are and how unusual that experience can be in some parts of the world or some walks of life.

Hey, it’s nice to be lucky. I don’t begrudge someone that luck at all. I just wish they’d open their eyes and understand that not everyone’s reality is the same.

And it is ok to always do for others and bank your hours. You can donate them to someone, or save them until you do have a need.

And it filters out tose who will only ask for help, but never give.

But I found this quite judgmental:

“When I hear folks complain that they can’t get anyone to help them with a move or a chore, I think to myself that, for whatever reason, they’ve burned through all of their social capital.”

Ouch. Some of us are just shy.