Ask the Readers: How Much Money Do You Need Before You Have Kids?
Published on - November 11th, 2011 (by J.D. Roth) For the most part, this site reflects my values and my experiences. That’s natural. One of the first rules of writing is to “write what you know”. This is one of the main reasons I’ve brought staff writers aboard here at Get Rich Slowly — their experiences are different than mine, and they bring different perspectives into play.
Sometimes I have big blind spots in my life (financial and otherwise). One rather large blind spot stems from the fact that Kris and I have opted not to have children. Because of this, I have nothing in the way of real-world experience to bring to discussions of how kids affect finances. (Well, I do, but parents aren’t inclined to listen to non-parents, so I just keep silent.)
Still, this is an important issue to many folks, as is evidenced by this question from Andi, a question I’m not qualified to comment on. Here’s what Andi writes:
When do you know when you have enough money to have kids? My husband and I both are excited and feel “ready” emotionally to have children. (We’re in our early thirties, married five years.). We’re pretty financially stable now. We both have good degrees, and only about $15,000 in student debt between us, and no credit card debt. We also have some retirement savings (around $60,000) and some cash on hand in an online savings account (about $40,000). We don’t own a home. We are living with my parents until we move to a different city in a few weeks.
Here’s the thing: We’re in the process of re-jigging our careers and moving. We’re finally ready to try to “follow our dreams” (to be cheesy). For my husband, that means transitioning to a lower paid job (about $40,000 a year — hopefully will get higher in the future) and for me, it means freelance writing and part-time work. I could find a job in my field that pays a lot of money, but it’s miserable drudge of work, and I know I would be unhappy at it. (Still, it’s very tempting.)
At this time of transition, we’re just not sure if we can “afford” kids. What if our new jobs don’t work out? We’re pretty frugal and aren’t the kind of people who would want a lot of “stuff” for our kids, but daycare, etc. is just so expensive. People who make a lot more than us say they struggle. I wonder whether we should just wait until we’re more established. (We also tend to move a lot, and my husband’s job isn’t permanent). I’m also worried that I’ll have kids, and just freak out about money, and give up on my own personal ambitions in favor of security. But we definitely want kids, and that clock is definitely ticking.
Any thoughts?
I think this is a great question, and I’m glad that Andi and her husband are willing to take the time to ask it. I wish more people were willing to think this through.
That said, as with anything, I think there’s a delicate balance of wants vs. needs when it comes to children, and how people cope with this determines how affordable kids can be. Trent at The Simple Dollar does a great job of documenting how he and his wife have been building a family without drowning in debt. Many other folks have built families on small budgets.
But, as Andi says, there are people with solid salaries and substantial savings who struggle. I think a lot of it depends on what you think your kids need need in order to prosper and be happy.
My own opinion as a non-parent? I think the time and attention you spend on your children matters a hell of a lot more than the money you spend on them. The money you spend is irrelevant. Your kids don’t give a fig if you’re dressing them in the latest fashions or buying fancy toys or sending them to the best schools. They’d be just as happy wearing hand-me-downs and playing with a ball and a stick. I’m not kidding. What they want most is attention and affirmation from their parents.
But, as I said, I don’t actually have kids, so I’m only making a judgment based on watching other families (and on my undergrad studies into child development). I think Andi wants some real-world advice. That’s where you come in, readers.
What do you think? How much money do you need before you have children? How can you know you’re ready to start a family, both financially and otherwise? And what sorts of things can Andi and her husband do to become better prepared for kids? What advice do you have for them?
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We didn’t wait until we had a certain amount in the bank before we had kids. Kids require both money and energy, and if you wait until you have “enough” money, you’ll just have spent all your energy.
The two things we did do is (a) reduce our spending until we were living on one income so, if need be, one of us could stay home with the kids, and (b) wait until we had a reliable income (which for us included health insurance).
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My suggestion for the happy couple is that they read “Two-Income Trap” to get an idea of how wants become needs when you’re trying to provide the best housing/school/tutoring for your kids; and, also, to think about how they’ll structure their household budget, how strongly they’ll rely on the second income, esp when both are seemingly below-maximum or flowing in inconsistently.
Good luck!
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I agree with many other posts. Especially about the health insurance. I had a 32 week preemie that would’ve run a $200K bill…we never could have prepared or saved for that.
When I was in my early twenties, I would say that I had to have a net worth of $1M before I had kids. No, we didn’t make it to the goal, but it was a good one to have because we saved my entire paycheck and and a good deal of my spouse’s trying to get there.
If the insurance is lined up, I would say that you need to have a 6 month emergency fund, be able to live on one salary (just in case one of you wants to stay home) and have a way to continue funding your retirements and contribute at least $250 per month per child for college costs from the first day they are born.
Yes, I know this sounds very Malthusian. It’s an ideal and not necessarily a reality for many/most. And our reality was that because we worked toward it for ten years. It makes for a very nice life.
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I think the big question is: can you have kids and still be financially stable?
I don’t think kids need most of the “stuff” we bought them. I grew up without a lot of stuff (no cable TV, no internet, crappy car, not a lot of toys, etc). We just couldn’t afford it. I never missed it.
However, I think what bothered me most about having a poor family when I was young was the lack of financial stability. If our car broke down, we wouldn’t necessarily have the money to fix it. If one of us got sick, we wouldn’t always have money for doctor’s visits and medication. That was more stressful than the lack of stuff.
That said, I think there were positive things to be said about even that. I learned to value stability from not having it, which is why I try to save even though my income is teeny. I valued my education in part because it was not guaranteed to me- I had to work for the scholarships to go to college. I have a deep appreciation for health insurance. Without that experience as a kid, I don’t know if I’d appreciate those things as much.
I think in the end, there is no perfect family situation and any family can make their situation work if they try hard enough. But if/when I have kids, I will want the basics for stability: stable health insurance, an emergency fund, decent retirement savings, enough money for a house (even if it’s tiny), and a little college savings (even if it won’t pay for the whole thing). Everything else is nice, but it’s extra.
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“However, I think what bothered me most about having a poor family when I was young was the lack of financial stability. If our car broke down, we wouldn’t necessarily have the money to fix it. If one of us got sick, we wouldn’t always have money for doctor’s visits and medication. That was more stressful than the lack of stuff.”
Story of my life.
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I’d say wait a year to get a feel for your new jobs, then go for it! There seems to be a general feeling that kids need:
-prenatal, during birth, and post-natal care
-good health coverage
-nutritious food
-a roof over their heads
-good education
-someone to take care of them, whether daycare or family or something else
…with no worries that any of those things aren’t going to be provided. If you have the finances to do that, you’re solid.
One more note about daycare v. stay at home parenting: I worked at various daycares for 4 years or so. Kids that were at daycare starting around 1 year old generally seemed better socialized to me- more able to articulate their needs and wants, more able to take care of themselves, and better able to play well with others. Daycare can teach kids to interact well with other kids and adults. (That said, there are bad ones out there. I would seriously suggest planning to spend a month volunteering at any daycare you want your kids in with no hint that you’re a prospective parent. I wish I were joking.)
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What a great question! I can relate in wanting what’s best for your kids and your family’s future. We had our kids close together when my husband and I finished grad school and he got a full time job with health insurance. We had student loan debt and a tiny apartment. It has worked out great. Right now I stay home with our kids and work part time (which is a great break for me from the “mom” job). When my kids are in school full time I will work full time.
The circumstnaces will never be “perfect” but they are often perfect enough (two loving parents, health insurance is a must). My sister works at a fertility clinic and every single day sees stories of people who kept waiting for the perfect circumstances until it was too late.
Children are life’s most rewarding challenges
They are more than worth some sacrifice.
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Obviously this is an important topic to many people based on the response you’ve received. My parents always said that having another kid meant putting another cup of water in the soup. Now that is a bit naive but the simplicity of it makes sense. Their experience was to ensure that they met the needs of their family and needs are very different than wants. As a family of 6 we didn’t get everything we wanted but we got exactly what we needed. It wasn’t often that there were seconds at meal time but we didn’t need seconds. Clothing was on an as needed basis with special occassions getting a new outfit (start of school, religious ceremonies) and eating out/treats were a once in awhile to do. Our family made what we had work. We lived within our means and with that at an early age learned the difference between wants/needs. We all got jobs early to subsidize these wants
and now in adult life we live on a budget… some of us learned that lesson a harder way than others. You can hear more about that story by reaching out.
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Hey that sounds like the story of my childhood. Raised by very frugal parents and when we got the bag of hand me down clothes from relatives it was like Christmas. I grew up on a farm and was working summers, weekends and after school by 6th grade. We were not poor but we learned that money was not be be wasted. And as my Dad was fond of reminding us, “if you like to eat you have to work.” I think one of greatest lessons you can teach children is being able to separate wants from needs.
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My only question is, WHAT are your savings being saved FOR?
Is it a security blanket, to support you should either of you lose your jobs?
Is it for a down payment on a house?
Is it for something specific?
It’s a good size savings, and if it’s not for anything above, (some of) it could be used to support your kids.
Also important to note, (and i haven’t read all the comments, so forgive me if it’s been said), regardless of luxuries like expensive toys and clothes kids can live without, kids need to eat. Kids cost a lot to feed.
I must also disclose that I’m young (21), with no kids.
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There is never a perfect time to have a child, in my opinion. I have not had kids yet so I am speaking with no experience, but I also believe you can’t predict how much money you will need for a particular child. Some kids will require much more attention than others and costing more money as well. Disabilities can play a big factor.
I think Andi and her husband are in pretty great financial shape; much better than a lot of unfortunate people in this world. Some close ones that I know are in still in thousands of dollars in student loan debt and she is pregnant. There just never is a perfect time to have a child and I can only imagine how enchanting the experience really is.
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I think love time and comittment to the children are important but you can’t just eliminate costs either. Babies go through diapers faster than you can say “I love you” 50 times in one day. To care for your children adaquately, I do feel you need to have funds available to do so.
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I also think this is a great question. That being said, my wife and I were older when we had our daughter and my wife was a big saver before I met her so she had some money already. So that being said, my wife also spent a lot of time before our daughter was born researching a lot of things, and we spent something along of a 1/3 of what was the “recommended” budget for a new baby (we also bought most stuff new). I think it is more important to spend quality time with your children more than the amount of money you spend on them. That being said, HOW you spend the money, I think, is also more important than how much you spend too.
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Hello,
Congratulations on reading this far down the comment list!
My wife and I have a girl 2.8 years and a boy 0.2 years.
We made the commitment before we got married even to have one of us (currently my wife, and although it is unlikely to change could) staying home with the kids. I will not go into the reasons now, but that choice did limit us to one income and we planned accordingly, it is something important to think about. And remember that even if you want to both work, there is a lot of time that the mom needs off at first, not to mention you might change you minds on working or not working. I suggest you be ready to make the transition to one income either way.
We have ~15k in student loans and 5k in retirement, and about a 2k emergency fund. Take home pay is ~2500 a month. We do live in an area with a low cost of living, and this is enough for us, although we are currently cutting it closer than I would like with recent cost increases.
I would suggest you also think about kids in the way that you have obviously done about retirement. For a minute think not about if you want a kid in ~9 months, but do you want a 5 year old in 6 years? 10 in 11…? An article we found helpful was:
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2010/10/my-answer-to-do-you-want-more-children.html
This is the catalyst of why we have a 2 month old, so watch out.
Oh and have fun. Kids are a lot of work, but they are also a lot of fun.
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There are people struggling at every income level, regardless of whether they have kids are not. (There are also lots of people on the edge of financial ruin that don’t even know it.)
That said – there is definitely a cost to kids. Either in lost income or in day care. There are few exceptions to that. Maybe one of you has a career that can be done nights – giving you no time together and thus throwing away your marriage. Or maybe you can impose on grandma or another relative to watch the children for free.
As far as housing, food, and all the other costs of a kid – it doesn’t have to be that expensive. Buy everything but the car seat used. Instead of baby food, grind up a little bit of your regular food. And let the toys take over your house for a while – the longer you put off moving to the bigger place you think you “need”, the more you’ll save.
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My husband and I spent $10k the year we had our son. This included hospital bills though, and our doctor practiced in probably the most expensive hospital in the city, unfortunately. Insurance covered a majority of it, but we had to pay the max of our deductible.
Other costs included one-time things like crib, car seat, stroller, high-chair, etc. as well as on-going things like diapers.
My husband and I make a lot of money compared to the national averages, but in our high-cost city, we still have to live very frugally. Here are some tips that are saving us a ton:
Our biggest expense by far is child care, and we got lucky in that my wonderful relative is caring for my son, and although we pay her, it’s still pretty low considering he gets one-on-one attention from her. If you can find a relative then that would be great!
Our second biggest expense is college savings. You don’t really even have to save for this, and even for us, it’s not a priority; we just put extra money in there but we don’t pay it first.
Use the library for free books and music.
I breastfed which saved on formula, but I also know how painful it is and what a time-suck it is so no worries if it’s not something that you want to do. I also made my own baby food.
You don’t have to sign up for paid activities. Go to the park, or go to meetup.com and find mom groups there if you really want your kid to socialize.
Buy open-ended toys that will spark imagination, i.e. play dough, crayons, paint, basic stuffed animals etc. instead of fixed toys. The less a toy “does,” the more your kid’s imagination has to work, and therefore the less toys you really need to cycle through. And don’t buy too many toys.
Try to eliminate or limit media exposure to your kids, particularly the ones targeted to kids. The less time your kid watches Yo Gabba Gabba, the less he will beg you for the toys and paraphernalia that Yo Gabba Gabba sells
If your transition is short and you know when it will end, then sure maybe wait. But I think so long as you have the non-negotiable costs taken care of, then you should be okay.
Good luck! I’m glad you’re thinking of this before having kids.
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6 weeks after our firstborn arrived, my then husband lost his job. It was devasting and ultiamtely was one of the factors that led to our divorce – he never again pursued the kind of career/money he had when we decided to have kids and we ended up raising our children (a second one was a surprise) in a far different monetary status than I envisioned. If you really are about to change careers, be sure it is what you want and that you will have enough to raise a child as you envision.
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Great post!!! We have 3 boys – all 10 and under. We spend about $450/ month of food. I find that many of my single, no-family clients spend about the same! And it’s all boys so we are all carnivorous. I am just saying that there are ways to cut costs. Grandparents are always giving clothes. And we just let ours play 1-2 sports for the year.
On a different level, it seems that parents who feel guilty for not spending much time with the kids are also the ones who BUY ANYTHING THE KIDS WANT. It’s much harder to say no when your dealing with seldom-hang-with-my-kid guilt.
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Has no one suggested just having one child? It’s more cost effective, just like having only 1 car and 1 house etc. Everyone I talk to always says “oh we want kidS” or “oh we don’t want kidS”. It’s like people think just having one is half-assed or something!
Children don’t actually need siblings to grow up well adjusted, as long as you make sure they get lots of social exposure with children their own age and raise them well so they understand the value of respecting others.
Just have one if you think you can afford kids but aren’t sure. With 7 billion of us on the planet, it’s not like there’s a people shortage.
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Ru, I completely agree, and I’m writing as an only child. Only children have a bad rap. I’ve had far more difficulties with spoiled rotten babies of the family than with only children. While only children are more likely to need alone time, in my opinion, they are more likely to be generous people because they haven’t had to protect their stuff from sibling territory wars. Both statements are based on my experience though.
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I agree that one child families are just fine. We were planning on that but one slip up with birth control gave us our second. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. My suggestion, get a permanent solution to birth control after the first if your intention is not to have more.
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I find it really disturbing, the number of posters who think you can just control your health and the health of your child. That kind of assumption leads to brittle planning.
Things go wrong with humans. You can’t predict it. Babies can be born with disabilities or health issues, children and adults can suffer accidents or disease, adolescents can suddenly manifest serious mental illness that requires dedicated and seriously expensive medical care. If you’re only prepared for a family of completely well and able-bodied members – or worse, if you think you can guarantee that future through some action of your own – you are not emotionally or financially prepared to be responsible for a family.
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Totally agree! I have had friends whose children have had cancer and organ transplants–all before the age of five! Even if you have insurance, it gets expensive if you have a child who is ill. My own children have had illnesses that landed them in the hospital. There may be expenses that are beyond your control.
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Be careful about waiting too long to start a family. We did wait until our 40s to have kids – not for economic reasons but other good reasons. Although there are so many people having kids later in life, I will tell you it’s very hard. Even if you can successfully get pregnant – many cannot – it is very tough to be an older parent. Not at first, because you are in your 40s. But as the children grow you will be in your 50s , with much less energy than younger parents. you start having health problems. Plus, we very well may be in no shape to help out with/ enjoy any grandchildren who come along. (that being said , the kids are TOTALLY worth it!)
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Completely agree, and why I’m still pretty firmly in the “no thanks” camp. There was another response down-thread that said “decide when you want to be done parenting (through college) and work backwards.” Well, life don’t always work out that way. My mom is still caring for my 25-year old brother, who has sever PTSD after coming home from Afghanistan. My sister-in-law was severely and permanently disabled at age 15; my in-laws are still caring for her daily at ages 57 and 62. We have friends who have had children born with disabilities, children who have had cancer.
If I could guarantee everything would work out? Sure, I might do it. But I can’t, and having seen it first hand I’m not willing to roll those dice right now (and maybe not ever).
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Don’t have kids myself, but two blogs I like that provide some suggestions on how not to break the bank with kids:
theminimalistmom.com/ (She has a book about baby’s first year)
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/09/09/mrs-money-mustache-what-do-newborn-babies-really-need/
Good luck!
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I just want to say, my wife are 36 years old, and we have a net worth of around $400,000, and it’s very largely due to not having kids. In addition, I’d like to say our lives are pretty sweet. We sleep in on the weekends, we go out to dinner when we feel like it, we get to travel, and we have no debt besides our mortgage. We love our lives! By the time we’re 50, we’ll be multi-millionaires. And really, it’s all because we didn’t have kids. I would highly recommend that people don’t have kids.
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I’ll pass, thanks. One cannot put a price on the joys of having a child. If its not for you than its not for you.
Advising people not to have a child just so they can have a high networth like you?! Really trully that’s so sad. It may be right for you, but it has to be one of the awfullest thing I’ve heard.
Just because someone doesn’t have a high networth with children doesn’t mean they do not love their lives.
My parents are not rich and did not have a networth of 400,000.00 when they had me. I am eternally gratefull to them for deciding not to abort me. They did not need all that money to give me everything I needed and more.
That comment really gave me a foul distaste in my mouth. Ugh!
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Choosing not to have kids doesn’t necessarily mean having an abortion. It’s possible to not get pregnant using birth control, if that’s your concern.
Anyway, I’m sure the poster is just offering another perspective. Not having children is a viable choice. I haven’t decided to have kids or not yet, but I have to agree that not ever having to worry about money is a great perk. I’m not wealthy, but I never worry about paying bills or going out to eat.
The ability to travel is awesome, too. If I want to go on an expensive vacation to Africa, I just do.
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I’m going to be honest – I think our parents had it easier than we did. My dad supported a wife and 3 kids off a blue-collar income. He paid his mortgage off in 12 years, and had enough leftover that he took his kids (me) to Disneyworld, among other places. I don’t think that’s possible today.
Basically, I think the Boomer generation prospered in large part by passing the bill on to their children. That’s me. Now that I’m paying for my parents’ indulgences, in addition to trying to pay for my own generations’ social infrastructure, I quite plainly don’t believe there is enough leftover for my wife and I to have kids, too.
I feel that by (wisely) abstaining from having kids, my wife and I are able to have a decent life. We’re funding our retirement, we’re able to travel, and we have a comfortable home. We’re not living extravagently (eg. driving BMW’s), but if we had kids, we’d be much, much worse off.
Quite plainly, I believe that only chumps have kids. I fully recognize and understand that SOMEONE has to have kids, to pay into our pension plan, but I believe my wife and I possess the insight to see that buying into that model condemns people to a substandard level of life. We’ve chosen to abstain from having kids, while encouraging others to do so.
That said, we obviously have no descendants to inherit our wealth once we pass. Thus, I am able to not give anything to charity ever, without feeling guilt, because I know that once we inevitably pass, the entire amount of our wealth will go to charity (My choice will be the SPCA).
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Wow! I guess my husband and I are chumps. I’ve never thought of myself as an optimist, but I feel that our lives are TONS better than our parents’ lives. We have more education, more choices, better housing, and less financial worry. I felt that way before we had kids, too.
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I’m 45 and my husband is 48. Our net worth is about $900,000. I’m sure we would be worth much more if we didn’t have kids, yet we’re thinking of adopting another.
Our feeling is we have plenty enough to be secure and we even have some left over. Sure, kids can be time, money, and even life sucking, but we personally would feel a giant hole in our lives without kids. I’m not trying to pass any judgement on you – clearly having children is not for everybody and if you’re not going to feel like something’s missing if you don’t have kids it’s probably best if you don’t intentionally become parents.
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Kevin, I am 37, I have two kids, and am meeting or exceeding the same financial goals as you. We have traveled all over the US and Europe. My kids don’t exclude anything but sleeping in on weekends, and now that they are elementary school age, we do sleep in a bit. We have a great life. I love our life, too. Kids don’t preclude these goals/joys in life. If you don’t want kids and make that lifestyle choice, more power to you, no judgment whatsoever.
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We’re expecting now and will be debt free but not the amount of savings we’d really like to have.
But when I think back to my childhood, it was the feeling of security and happiness that mattered the most – and we didn’t have alot of money at all. Not alot of stuff but not alot of debt either.
Now my parents have more ‘stuff’ and more debt, which freaks me the heck out.
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Things just work out, seriously. My husband and I got pregnant when we were in graduate school. It wasn’t planned (I was on the pill and took it faithfully, but wound up pregnant regardless!) We were broke, had student loan debt, and our health insurance was a not-ideal student plan. It all worked out. Being students gave us the flexibility to avoid childcare costs the first couple years when it’s most expensive. Our only real costs the first year were diapers and some pediatrician copays. We received other necessities (car seat, clothing) as gifts. Our daughter slept in our bed in our tiny apartment the first six months. We learned the location of every child consignment shop in town. Over the years, we have finished grad school and started our careers. She’s 13 now, our student loans are paid off, we’re homeowners, and we’re saving for retirement and her college. No, we weren’t able to start saving for retirement and college during grad school, but c’est la vie, we will still be able to retire and help her with college costs. We would have waited a few years if fate (and faulty birth control!) hadn’t intervened, but then we wouldn’t have the amazing girl that we have now.
Andi and her husband sound eminently more situated to start a family than I was, so my tendency is to say, go with your heart, and have a child now if you want one.
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My dad was still in school when my parents had me (they were 34 and 30). My little brother came three years later and for a little while the four of us were in a tiny one bedroom apartment over a garage. Then my dad got a job but my mom quit hers.
He likes to say that we were dirt poor but it was the happiest time in their lives.
They’ve built up substantial retirement savings since those days by living within their means (continuing to live on just one salary even after my mom went back to work).
I don’t necessarily agree with the sentiment that things will just work out, but it did in my parents’ case.
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A wise wise woman once told me 11 years ago, when we were stressing about the exact same thing, “babies bring their own bread” – in other words with love devotion & hard work you will do anything to provide for your child! Best of luck Andi with your chosen path…I know having my 2 children (not at the best financial period in our lives)was the best decision my husband & I ever made.
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I haven’t read the other responses. There’s rarely a perfect time to have kids. We were broke when our first (surprise!) child came along. However, young kids don’t have to cost a fortune.
That said, I also will disagree a little about having the right clothes and toys. That’s true up until about age 8 when sticks for toys and Good Will clothes may no longer suffice. Kids are pricey, no doubt. We’re looking at yet another 6k for a set of braces.
However, It’s important to remember that kids are their own people filled with imperfections and challenges. I think too much emphasis on waiting for the perfect time to have a child places too much pressure on the child to be perfect. Your kids will disappoint you, even if YOU do everything perfectly. Most people can afford one or two kids – so, relax, have a baby or two and stop overthinking things.
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I raised 4 kids without giving a thought as to whether or not I could afford them.
We had some tough times, but it wasn’t just because we had kids–as usual, life intervened, and we had to make do, by making sure there was more love than money–always.
Here’s one story that illustrates what it’s like to have more love than money when you have kids:
My son was turning 9 and I had no money at all. I was able to put together exactly $11 for his birthday. I felt so bad–I just wanted to cry, but the picture in my mind of that day is him clutching these stupid little do-dads i bought with $11.00, and all of us sitting around the table for a long time laughing and joking and having him blow out candles on his home-made cake, and then his gift to me was his saying effusely at the end of the day, “Mom and Dad, THANK YOU SO MUCH for my birthday!”
On a practical note, I would second the comments about health insurance. A roof. Basic clothes. Basic food. A lot of love. That’s all you need.
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There is NEVER a “good time” to have kids, something will always come up and make you second guess your timing.
If you want them and can offer a stable and loving environment, then just close your eyes and do it
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The meaning of human life:
1. Continue this very life spreading their genes.
2. Find a different meaning than in paragraph 1.
If the target number 1 fails, then you have not completed the most important and most obvious thing you could do in life.
Perhaps the decision not to have children, is the mechanism of natural selection.
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Speaking as someone who may not be able to have kids, I have to wonder why the universe lets junkies, child abusers, etc. have children when I can’t. Maybe it’s a good thing my flawed genes won’t get to carry on, but in my opinion choice is a separate thing from natural selection.
I also don’t believe that if I don’t have kids my life will be meaningless, or that I’m selfish or that I should be the subject of pity.
I don’t think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish. I think people who choose to have kids who can’t love them are. Being a parent doesn’t make anyone morally superior to anyone else. Just ask a teacher or social worker.
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I do agree that as long as you are able to provide basic needs most material things aren’t what make a difference in a child’s life. I have a seven year old and both of us wear clothing from the Salvation Army. However, where money is very helpful is in education. If you will both be working you would probably rather have your child in high-quality day care rather than someplace where they are not learning. Once they go to school you will probably want them to attend a good school–which usually means a home in a more expensive neighborhood or private school. Unless you are home over the summer you will want her/him to be in nice camps. And, you may want to go on memorable family vacations. So, while I think that the “stuff” isn’t that important and much of it can be had for less, I think that the experiences that help children to become intelligent, happy, capable adults can add up.
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Money is fleeting. Family is forever. I say have the kids. You will adjust your finances as needed because your priorities will become crystal clear.
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As having five children, I think it is imperative that children are adequately prepared for (small emergency fund, health care, child care provisions etc.) but I don’t think you need to have a set amount of money. The writers of the question should just go with whatever they are comfortable with. For some it may be a set amount in savings and for others it may be one year of living expenses in a savings account.
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Wow, lots of great comments and stories! I’m with the camp that says don’t wait until things are “perfect”! When you are pregnant and then become a parent, you adapt and adjust your priorities to do the best you can for your family, no matter what your former path had been. Just by your awareness of financial concerns, and thinking/talking about kids and values beforehand, you are ahead of the game. We waited until out of grad school (age 30), and went into parenthood with the whole thing: student loans, 2 cars, 2 dogs & a cat, new mortgage on an old house, new demanding professional jobs and a catastrophy-only insurance policy that came in handy for the C-section. We struggled with childcare costs and saved little for retirement or emergencies. In the end, divorce wreaked havoc, but the earlier investments in ourselves allowed us to recover. Having kids was the most enriching of all my experiences in life. My 2 boys are now 21 and 23, delightful human beings, and it was worth the struggles of teenage years. I disagree that the only things kids want is your love and attention-they also want to belong to their community at their time in history. Their world will not be what it was when you were their age. In my opinion, you have an obligation to somehow strike a balance between allowing for the latest Gameboy or snowboard or trendy clothing at the same time that you teach them your values. This was important to me because I grew in a backwater town and, for example, I didn’t learn to drive and my family never had a tv, so I felt “different” from all my peers. So we got the tv for our kids and watched selected things with them (even though there were battles about their free tv time) and tried to balance by doing family activities outdoors, reading to them, helping in their classrooms, supporting team activities, etc. My only regret is not having a better understanding of finances-we were pretty frugal overall, but could have saved and budgeted. We were also not on the same page about how to handle money and teach the kids how to self-manage their routines…. Now, my kids are a wonderful blend of their own unique selves and our values, they are independent and on their own, have defined and created their own success, and I look forward to continuing adult relationships with them. Now that I’m approaching retirement and look back, the childrearing years are only one of several major phases that you will adapt to in a conscious and conscientious approach to living… Remember “the perfect is the enemy of the good!” Best of luck to you….
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As a relatively new parent, I’d agree that kids aren’t all that expensive, per se. I’d say our average expenses for baby “stuff” are in the neighborhood of $100/month. Childcare, however, can be very expensive. When I was working, we spent about $1800 a month on part time childcare (in a major city)
Prior to having kids I think you need to be in a place where you’re financially stable enough to be flexible and have a clear understanding of your family’s financial picture.
My daughter was born with some special needs and my husband and I quickly realized that a nanny would not be able to give her the level of care that she needed. We decided that I would leave my career to care for her. After a few months of being home, I know this was absolutely the right choice for our family, as she is thriving, as are my husband and I.
We were able to make this choice because we had a very good understanding of our finances and knew how we could make adjustments to live without my full-time income (I still do some “side jobs”).
More than any dollar amount, I am so thankful that we had a very clear understanding of our financial picture before we had children and would recommend that as a pre-baby goal.
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I agree that the time and attention is way more important than the money spent. As a parent. Kids do cost a TON of money, but if you wait until you have “enough” you’ll never have kids. Or you’ll be infertile. Sounds like your reader is way ahead of the game, anyways.
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[Thinking out loud.] I find it interesting that some people (not here) chastise parents or potential parents for “waiting too long” to start a family. Those people rarely consider that maybe they did not find their life partners until they were well into their 30s, even 40s. Not everyone is married and partnered for life by the time they hit 30.
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We had our first child when I was 40. I’ve no doubt I’m a better Dad then if I had had kids in my 20s, regardless of time or money considerations. It is also great motivation to keep in good physical shape.
I’ve no doubt our financial solvency, during these last crazy years, was in large part because we had kids later in life. Remember the time value of money. The sooner we can put some away and the longer we can let it ride, the better off we’ll probably be.
Final thought, I recalled a couple who both had full time professional and demanding jobs. While they were American, their kids had British accents because their nanny was British. They are great kids, but I decided I wanted to be a major factor in raising my kids even if they would come out fine being raised by the community and institutions.
I advise my kids to not rush into either marriage or kids, but to experience adult life for awhile first. I can also say that I never understood what it meant to be an adult, until I had kids.
(I also must add that I came to realize that many managers manage teams based on their experience raising kids, which is not always a good thing!)
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I think the best way to decide when to start having kids is to figure out at what age it is that you would like to be done with raising kids (through college) and getting on with your life. Babies and children are expensive as you make them, so how much money you have is really not the best way to decide to start.
We wanted to be done at 50. We started our family at 24 and 27. Both are done with college a few years and we are 52, still healthy and able to do everything we want to do.
It wasn’t easy but to us it was well worth it.
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My wife and I have been married for 9 years (10 years in July). We have yet to have kids, however, we both agree that would like to have some in the near future.
We were both raised in households that believed you shouldn’t wait until you had a certain level of financial freedom before you have kids, and as an adult I still agree with that.
However, since we do not have kids yet, now is a great time to prepare for them (live on a budget, get out of debt, and live on less than you make).
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I ssay a home, a paid of car, One year’s worth expenses in an energency fund and atlest the same in your retirement fund. Plus and importantly a steady income stream.
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This is a question I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I’m turning 28 in a few weeks, not married, and concerned about how soon I’m going to have to start making babies if that’s going to happen in my life.
Then I think about how much money I feel I need to have children, and I pretty much convince myself I shouldn’t have kids. I have $150k between my investments and retirement account (though not a lot of that is liquid, I could feasibly sell stocks fairly quick to have cash on hand if needed.) I feel like I need $500k saved before I think about having kids. That’s just me… I know people do it with a lot less and with debt, and do fine, but I’d like to be able to at least put a sizable downpayment on a 3br house (assuming the house is $1.2M here) and feel comfortable with more liquidity in my accounts at the time.
Since that’s probably not going to happen before I’m 31, when I want to start trying to have kids (and I’m hopefully, knock on wood, married) I know I’m going to have to make sacrifices. I don’t know if I can, or if I’m willing to.
The real sacrifice might be marrying for money, not love. Right now I’m on the road to marrying a guy who I love, but who isn’t exactly financially “hot.” He isn’t in debt, which is very good, but he also doesn’t have a savings or retirement account to speak of, and at the moment works 20-30 hrs a week on contract for $18/hr. It’s not like when I marry I’ll be doubling my savings/networth. Hopefully by that time he will have a stable full time job at least, and we can grow our networth together.
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My advice from watching my sister have 2 daughters:
1) Don’t take your kids with you to the store (the grocery store, Target, etc.) Leave the kid at home with the other parent while you run errands. Stores product-place their kid-friendly items at the child’s eye-level.
2) When you kid starts asking for an iPhone or an XBox(it will happen sooner than you think!), work out a plan in which they “earn” the upfront cost of the item and/or they “earn” the ongoing cost of the monthly plan by doing chores around the house.
3) When the kid gets a little older (around 7 or 8), you can also offer them the chance to EITHER spend their chores-money on stuff (like a phone) OR “invest it” in the Mom and Dad Certificate of Deposit which yields them “interest” or “dividends.”
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Agreed, raising kids and the interaction you have with them is waaaaay more important than how much money you have. And kids CAN be super cheap. My oldest is almost five and still doesn’t make a dent in our budget, really. I know that when they’re older, they’ll have more expenses, so we are working that into our longer term plan. Anyway, I found this article to be educational: http://www.pennilessparenting.com/2011/11/anticipated-expenses-for-my-new-baby.html#more
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We waited 10 years and are having a child in May. Our biggest concerns to get out of the way were:
Being pretty much free of credit card debt
Buying a house and settling in
Having some money put away for retirement
Having our own business up and running so we can work at home and raise our child more easily (this was the biggest one).
I agree that young kids need shelter, clean water, nutritious food, medical care, and lots of love. Anything else is just extras!
Daisy
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I do believe that the biggest problem we have with these discussions is the perception that children are an expense. They are an asset and here’s why – how much are you prepared to pay to take away the pain of loneliness in old age? How much are you prepared to pay to feel that same exhilaration of holding a new born baby? How about attending graduations, weddings and other important events in the lives of your children? These emotions are not “free”, they come because we invest in our families, not pay for them!
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I don’t think anyone ever has enough money to have children!
And finances alone are not the way to judge whether this is the right time for you to become a family. Bottom line is, if you have children, you make adjustments to your lifestyle in one way or another. If you decide to stay home, you have to learn to live on one income. If you decide that both parents will work, you have to find money for daycare. You will always have to do some fine tuning no matter what your situation.
Andi – Even though your lives are in flux, moving from city to city, job to job, to pursue your dreams, you said yourself that you are both emotionally ready to start a family. And in a nutshell that is the most important thing. You love each other, you know you’re in this for the long haul TOGETHER and you’re ready to devote your time and energy into loving and raising another human being. So it is the right time for you!
While some might say, you don’t have a permanent home, you don’t have permanent jobs, its reckless – I say, its probably a really good time!! You haven’t committed yourself to a mortgage – any change to your income levels could affect the security of that. If you have a family now, while you’re living on less income, building careers, then the only way for your finances to go is up. Eventually.
Yes having children can be expensive – but it doesn’t have to be. It is all about what you want for your children and for your family. If you start out living on less, having less, you will manage. And when your incomes increase, your situations change, you feel the need to provide your children with a permament home while they go to school – you will do so within your means.
Waiting until you feel you can “afford” children could easily mean you wait too long and miss out. Or have only 1 child when maybe you’d really like 4. You will have also grown accustomed to a certain way of life with 2 growing incomes and the adjustment to prioritizing another human being (or more) will be harder felt.
So if you’re ready, do it. You will find a way and your child will have your hearts and your energy (while you are young enough to still have some left – because believe me having kids is EXHAUSTING! I am 38, have a 3yr old, am pregnant again and working parttime and I have never felt more tired). Even if your wallets are empty, your lives will be full.
But you definitely want to have some health insurance. Birthing babies in America is darned expensive! Keeping them, raising them and nurturing them after the big day can be as inexpensive as you choose.
Good luck!
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Here, my situation and although I know its low on the comment list, I hope I can get some helpful feedback.
I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been together 5-years and are in a very strong healthy and committed relationship. We both want kids. Actually, I have wanted kids since we met, but told my ovaries to be patient until I finished law school and my husband finished getting his MBA. Now, degrees in hand, we have approx. $90,000 in student loan debt combined. We have $25,000 in savings and are saving a little over $2,500 a month by living frugally and in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I make $45,000 a year and my husband makes $47,500. We have been forgoing paying down our student loan debt because we want to buy a home. The plan is to buy a home in a good school district so we won’t have to pay for private school later. We also don’t plan on moving at least for 10-15 years. The homes we are looking at are about $250,000-$270,000, which are 3b/2bath homes. We both have excellent credit and qualify for a home purchase in that ball park and we plan on taking out an FHA loan.
My projected budget with the new home is the following:
Mortgage: $2,400
Loans: $900
Utilities: $ 200
Transportation $ 200
Food: $250
Car Ins: $150
Tv and internet: $90
Phones $60
Misc. $200
= $4,450
Take home pay is $5,735 – (this is after our 401k contributions are taken out and health insurance)
If we have a child now, which we really want to do, I will have to keep working and have to pay for day care. (There aren’t any family members who we could rely on for help.)
I want to know from your experiences, if I should wait or pull the trigger and start baby making. lol I love my husband and I know finances hurts marriages and I am scared of that. I feel like I may be wanting too much too soon, but I also feel like I have done everything I have been told to do to be ready and yet, there seems like a never ending list of to-dos and maybe I will never be ready. I waited for the right man, I waited until I was done with school, and I waited to be at my job for at least a year to make sure I had a steady source of income and that I wanted to stay with the firm and have Maternity leave. Ugh! But, I don’t have a lot of savings. Suggestions?
PS: We have two cars paid off and I am selling one, which should net me about 10k. I intend to save this money as an emergency fund. We both work in downtown so we car pool. Additionally, the house price is the absolute cheapest for a good school district. Otherwise, we are talking about worse neighborhoods and longer commutes.
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I had a couple thoughts.
1) what is the cost of daycare in your area?
2) school district doesn’t matter until your child is old enough to go to school. I mentioned that my parents lived in a tiny one bedroom garage apartment when my brother and I were babies. If you can maintain a similar or just slightly inflated lifestyle after the birth of your child until it is 5/6 years old you might be able to get an earlier start than what you are currently anticipating while continuing to put away savings for your desired home. My parents didn’t buy their first home until just before I started kindergarten. They’ve now been in that house for ~22 years.
3) are there rentals in/near the neighborhood you are interested (houses, apartments?) If you’re still not quite ready to buy when the kid hits 5/6 years old, this might be another way of getting into the school district you want while continuing to save. My dad has a friend who lived in apartments until the his kids graduated and left, and *then* he finally went and bought himself house (I’m not sure if it was in the same neighborhood). Maybe he was doing #2 and keeping his kids in a good school district within his desired budget and then he got out of there once he no longer needed it.
4) Does your projected home budget include the cost of replacing things that break (pipes, AC, heater, foundations, etc)? I don’t see a child care line (co-pays for well baby, said daycare unless you stay home), buying furniture when you jump from a 1-bedroom apartment to a 3bedroom-2bath house…
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I have 3 children – one with special needs and two other “normal” – they’re all teenagers now. My experience is that there is never a right time to have children and you cannot predict the future. If you can “afford” them now, say in your 30′s, it doesn’t mean your financial circumstances will be the same later on. Relationships break, jobs are unsteady and parenting is one of the most difficult tasks in the technological age. Yes, we can give time to our kids and that maybe more important than giving them consumer goods but quality time is measured by your financial position. If I had the chance to live my life over I’d only choose to have one. I am not a traditional “family” person. I find emotional interaction fraught with difficulties and I don’t feel as if I’ll ever get a handle on the this thing called parenting.
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I’m a mega-planner and I had it all planned out that we would whip that 15 year mortgage (with 2 incomes) in 5 years and then start having kids with me (mom) staying home to raise them on one income. We were explaining this to the lady in our bank’s mortgage department (we were making an extra payment of course) and she just laughed and exclaimed, “Oh for heaven’s sake, don’t wait til you can AFFORD kids! It’ll never happen!”
How true! We did start 3 years later (yes, the biological clock does have to be taken into consideration), we have been through lay-offs, family health problems, extended family issues, etc. Life happens.
You wanna know how long the mortgage took to be paid off? 15 years. We did pay extra, but would then refinance as the rates came down. We took out extra each time so we could update electric, put more energy efficient windows in, erect a fence for my daycare business (I had to continue to bring in income, but I did feel strongly about raising our own kids…), buy a much needed used car, etc.
The lady at the bank was right. We have never reached a point where we could COMFORTABLY AFFORD kids, but somehow we made ends meet, took cheapo vacations (we talk about our camping trip fiasco much more than the expensive Disney World trip! Camping proved to be a disaster for us, but pretty darned funny in hindsight), became debt-free just in time for the kids to go off to college & got the kids through college (that earned income credit helped us pay our half of the tuition – the kids earned their half and seeing us live frugally, THEY TOO understand the importance of frugality & debt-free living as well).
Just make sure the hubby and wife are one the same page & that they understand that parenthood is a tough but fulfilling undertaking, and present a united front to the kids and things will probably work out. Good luck!
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@ Comment 211 – Pavel: Ever seen the movie Idiocracy? Your comment reminded me of it.
The premise of the film is natural selection is indifferent toward intelligence. People who have limited intelligence out-breed intellectuals and the resulting future society is full of stupid people.
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The idea of limited fertility was mentioned many times, so let me chime in with this: there are many children already in existence who do not have the privilege of a loving home. If the time is not right for you but you feel pressured by your biological clock, please remember that birthing a child is not the only option.
Becoming foster parents was the best decision we ever made.
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