As the U.S. economy enters its fourth year of turmoil, average folks continue to struggle. At GRS, we’ve shared questions and stories about people who can’t make ends meet, who are losing their homes, and who find themselves out of work. But we’ve never tackled the homeless before.
Today, though, Evan wrote with a tough situation. One of his friends is out on the street, and he feels guilty because of it. Should he help? What’s his responsibility here — financially and otherwise? Here’s Evan’s question:
I’ve read your website for years, but I ‘ve never written for advice until today. Now I could use advice from you and your readers.
I have a childhood friend who’s in trouble. I’ve known him since we were both ten. We went to school together, so I saw first-hand his rocky childhood. He never finished college, but he’s always been able to find a job until recently.
My friend just emailed to say that he’s been homeless for four days in Phoenix. I’m appalled at this. I’m sitting in my luxury condo knowing someone I grew up with is suffering. I could Western Union him some money, and probably will, but I don’t know if this is any sort of long-term help.
I’m trying to decide what I should do to help get him set up again. I can see on Craigslist that there are rooms for rent by the month in places that don’t cost much money. I just want him to have a roof over his head and some stability so he can find another job, retail or otherwise. I don’t know of any addiction problems (other than cigarettes); he never did drugs in his teens or twenties, and he isn’t a huge drinker. He’s meeting with a job counselor at the shelter soon.
Have you ever had an experience like this? With so many people unemployed and so many homeless, what do those of us who are well off do when confronted with someone we know in this position?
Have I ever had an experience like this? Not exactly.
I’ve certainly had childhood friends who ended up in trouble, financial and otherwise. (In fact, it was the death of my best friend from high school that put into motion massive changes in my life three years ago.) It’s always difficult to know how (and how much) to help.
Those from the tough love camp say, “Never lend money to family and friends. Don’t give financial help.” And, of course, they have a point. You don’t want to enable bad behavior, and you don’t want to create rifts in the relationship over a few hundred dollars. There have absolutely been instances where I’ve refused to provide financial help in cases where I thought doing so would create more problems than it would solve.
Having said that, I’m not much of a tough love type of guy. I’m a softie. If I were in a pinch, I’d hope my friends would pitch in to help me out; in turn, I usually do what I can to help those with financial problems. I take a lot of flak around here for not donating much to charity, but I’m pretty free with my money when it comes to people I know. Helping a friend with financial problems makes me feel good, and I hope it helps these friends find their footing.
What can Evan do in this case? What should he do? Only he can make that decision, obviously, because only he knows how much he trusts his friend, and only he knows how much money he can afford to lose. But surely there’s some general advice we can offer. And there are probably some GRS readers who have first-hand experience with this sort of thing.
Have you ever been homeless? Known somebody who was? What helped with the situation? What can the average person do to help a homeless friend? What would you do? Do you have any advice for Evan? Should he give his friend money? Rent him an apartment? Help him find a job? What advice can you offer?
Update!
Evan has been posting more information in the comments below. His are the highlighted comments.
Also, Becky Blanton wrote to share a TED talk she gave about the year she was homeless. Here’s a video of that presentation:
Blanton also pointed to a free e-book she created called Homeless for the Holidays.
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A bit of clarification about the “tough love” rule of never loaning money to friends and family. I believe it is a good rule, and pretty much live by it myself. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t GIVE money to them.
Many times I have loaned the things I value most in my life: books. And they have been damaged (even by people who cared about books and about me, and knew how I felt), and sometimes they have not been returned at all. Finally I decided to NEVER loan another book. And I haven’t. Instead, when I want to share a book I either buy a copy and gift it, or decide I can buy myself another copy in the future when I want to read it again and give away my only copy.
I explicitly GIVE the book rather than loaning it. And maybe this is what Evan needs to do for his friend. Instead of deciding how much he can afford to loan he should consider how much he can just give, as if the friend were in the Haiti earthquake or the Japan tsunami and he were helping someone in such a catastrophe. And be sure the friend understands it is a one-time only gift, maybe tell him you would rather give money to him than to United Way or some such and that it constitutes your charitable giving for the year.
If it were me I would include Adam Shepard’s wonderful book “Scratch Beginnings” with any monetary gift, and maybe a note mentioning the frugal websites that explain how to make the most of every dollar. Beyond that I wouldn’t want to preach at the friend … just wish them well and let them know that someone cares.
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I would think sending a book about being frugal would come off as preachy, no matter what. There is nothing in this post to indicate that his friend is homeless because he doesn’t know how to save money. What his friend needs right now is a safe place to live, not a book. Having extra possessions to cart around with you when you have no place to live does not sound like the best course of action, no matter how well meaning.
I don’t have any good answers myself, because my immediate reaction to this was to offer your friend a place to crash for a while. But I live no where near Phoenix. My heart breaks for him. I hope he gets out of this situation soon.
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No kidding! He needs income as well.
If you have to buy a book – make it something about employment.
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Ive not seen anything that implies this guy is homeless for any reason other than he has no money and no job. At this point he doesnt need a book on frugality. He needs a roof over his head and food. One has to HAVE a certain amount of dollars in hand to be able to spend them
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Not to mention that Scratch Beginnings was written by a person of priviledge who willingly opted into homelessness, using the system to his advantage. Not sure it’s really all too relevent to most homeless folks who are there for a multitude of reasons that are too poltical/emotionally charged to be discussed here.
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Well the first question, which isn’t mentioned in the post explicitly, is can you afford to give money to your friend? You say you’re in a luxury condo, but do you have extra cash every month that you can give to them?
I agree with never loan money to friends. I did it for about two years to a roommate that was always short on cash. It hurt our friendship.
If you want to donate cash, and can afford to do it, I would contact your friend (the one that told you about the homeless friend) that lives in the area and arrange to give him the money through some anonymous avenue (the shelter for instance). If I was in your friend’s shoes, I’d likely be embarrassed to accept money from a financially better-off friend. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be grateful.
Good luck, sometimes we need to remember how lucky we are, even if we are sitting on top of a pile of debt. We at least have the appropriate-sized shovels for the task.
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I hate to be cynical, but before you send him money, talk to him directly on the phone. Don’t just rely on email. I have heard of email hacks where the friends of the victim received requests for money.
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I was going to say the same thing! The friend can find a computer with internet access but can’t find a phone to place a collect call? That’s a red flag for me. I read a lot about scams as part of my job, and I’ve seen people get caught by emails requesting money for help. Unfortunately, scammers are using the bad economy for all kinds of cons.
I would also talk to his family or any other friends he might have contacted before you think about wiring money.
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Good catch! This never even occured to me. I have heard about this scam with young people having an imposter police officer or court officer or something call their friends grandparents claiming they needed immedicate bail money wired to them. Of course, the grandparents fall for it to help their beloved grandchildren… definitely verify this claim before your help.
That said, if I had it, I think I would help in some way. But I do have to add that it really drives me crazy to see people who have or had larger incomes than mine but never put any money in the bank come begging for help immediately at a minor set back like being a month or so out of a job.
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Someone did this to my husband’s grandma — they called and said he was in jail in Toronto! Everyone started texting *me* to find out what was going on, and I said he must have driven fast to get to Toronto after I left for work that morning (Toronto is easily 20+ hours from where we live). She was told not to call anyone, so I’m glad she lives with my husband’s uncle and told him before she left to wire money.
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LOL! Place a collect call? Can you even do that to a cellphone? It’s just so 1980s that I can’t quite get my head around it.
In my city, getting to one of our libraries is the easiest (and warmest) place to use a computer, with or without a library card. And it has bathrooms too.
That’s not to say that more info shouldn’t be gathered, but this suggestion just struck me as a blast from the past!
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Agreed. I’ve worked with the homeless in a major city and the easiest way to get in touch with them was via email because they always had access from any public library. And when you don’t have a permanent physical address, having a permanent web address becomes critical. I wouldn’t disregard his friend simply because he used email.
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I didn’t say to disregard his friend because it was an email — I said it would be a warning sign and he should check into it before sending money. Think about it: we research the products we buy, we research our investments, but we’re not supposed to think twice about sending money to a friend without figuring out what’s going on?
I understand that email is the easiest way for someone who is homeless or travelling to contact people, but you know what? The crooks know that too. They’re relying on the “the only contact I have with the world is my email” excuse so you won’t try to call or contact anyone. It’s a cheap and easy way to reach a lot of people (It’s sad, really)
Laugh at my “blast from the past” if you want, but I’m still not going to send anyone money based on an email alone. (And you’re right, you can’t collect call to a cell phone. I only have a cell for emergencies, so anyone who knows me well enough to ask me for money would know they can call my land line.)
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another factor is the scarcity of public pay phones these days. i read an article a while back about how they’re doing away most of them, esp. the booths, since bums just hang out in them and everyone has cellphones anyway. i tried to find a pay phone once after that and it was more difficult than i thought. they really are a dying breed.
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Maybe it’s a regional thing? My city doesn’t booths all over the place like it used to, but you can still find pay phones all over the place. I do see your point.
But as Evan later mentions, his friend does have a phone so this conversation is a moot point anyway.
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Agreed!!
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Thanks for the clarification! Sorry to hear that this is in fact your friend’s situation. I hope everything works out for you and your friend.
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Teaching how to fish is always better than giving fish. I would have tries to fund his vocational courses. Learning a new trade might land him a job. If you alone can’t fund this, cheap other friends in. Let the job counselor talk to him, and as per the suggestion try to get him enrolled in appropriate course.
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There are literally hundreds of thousands of people out of work right now who are qualified job applicants who “know how to fish.”
This attitude that people are unemployed only because they lack skills or are lazy is all too pervasive. Even good fisherman can’t make fish bite if they’re not there!
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Amen!
I was at a doctor’s appointment today and the fact that I have been looking for work for over 6 months came up when we were talking about stress. Later he asked about my educational background, and when I replied a Masters (in the Biological Sciences, with years of research experience as well) he scoffed and said employers should be looking for me, not the other way around.
I am currently hoping for a job offer from a company that has told me it is waiting to make sure they have funding for me for next year. At the start of the interviewing process (2 months ago) they were confident they’d be able to hire me (so much so that they were saying they’d hire multiple candidates if they were qualified)… and now it is all uncertain again. This isn’t the first time that I made it to the end of the interview process only to be told that there was no longer any funds for the position. I am so lucky to have a husband that is employed — and even with that we are now living very close to the edge of our means.
I guess my point is that people who immediately judge that somebody who is unemployed must be doing something wrong… are showing how ignorant they are of the current job market.
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First off, never feel guilty for your success over your friends. Everyone choses a path. I have some friends from the old neighborhood who are barely scraping by and other friends who make me look like a pauper.
Given this individual hasn’t hidden an addiction from you, I think offering to pay for a room for rent for a month or two (particularly in the winter) is a generous offer and something I’d be likely to do. You could call it a loan if it makes them feel better in accepting it, but I wouldn’t ever expect it back. I’ve helped out friends who have addiction problems, and won’t be doing repeats because they’ve turned on me and started treating me as their source to feed the addiction. I’ve helped some others just down on their luck with better results. In none of the cases did I get, nor honestly expect, any money back.
I think the real trick is to make sure it’s clear this is a one time deal to lend a hand to a friend.
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I’d consider the friend, and not make it a loan at all, but a clear gift. If the money is framed as a loan, that loan (and challenges repaying it) may hang over his head and not help with his focus at all. Much better to frame it as an outright gift, with the requirement to Pay it Forward (do the same for someone else) when he’s able.
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I agree with the gifting. I have helped out friends in need via gifts and loans (see below). If you can afford to give and this is someone you care about and are close with then give a gift of cash, help with first and last month rent or security deposit, clothes for interviewing, medical expenses, etc.
I sorta understand the mantra never loan money to family or friends in that it can strain a relationship if there are problems with payment. But if you can’t ask family for money, who can you ask? I’ve borrowed and paid back money from Grandpa/Grandma, Brother, Mom and Dad over the years and paid it back. Some of those arrangements were formal, i.e. a written agreement, and some were more casual, but I still paid. I’ve also loaned money to family and friends, some has been paid back, some of it was lent because they had helped me out before (a payback if you will). I would never let a family member want for basic necessities if I could help (this assumes that the wanting was not due to bad behavior, ie addictions, gambling, chasing the next big thing, that I would be enabling).
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Why not just *ask* the friend what he wants? Maybe I missed something in the article, but isn’t this the obvious solution?
Ask how you can help. He knows best what he needs.
And it seems to me that if you’re not sure whether a loan will save pride or add stress, you can just offer to give him the money. If he can’t accept, suggest it as a loan.
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Donna Freedman has written a couple good pieces here and on her own blog about the trials and tribulations of lending money to friends. Not exactly the same situations, but those might be worth a read.
I agree that its all about how much money you can GIVE (note: that is not lend). Since it sounds like you arent in the same city as your friend that limits your non-monetary options. If he were geographically close you could offer meals and/or a couch to crash on, the use of a physical address for job apps, etc. Also since you arent there, you dont really know what’s going on. Maybe the drug, relationship status has changed.
Giving cash may not help. If you want to do it and can afford to. Go for it. Give him money that you never expect to get back. Best case scenario, thats just what he needs to get back on his feet. Worst case? You just purchased cigarettes (or ???) an assuaged your own conscience.
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A friend was homeless in another city for some time. A group of us paid for a storage locker to keep sentimental items until they were able to stabilize their living arrangement, and provided small cash amounts throughout. Before the person lost their place, we did make several cash gifts to help keep the original apartment for a couple of extra months.
We continue to make group purchases (~$100 split across 4-5 people) of items every 6 months or so to help with a small crafting business. Over the years, it has added up, but at no point has it been a burden. It likely also helps that they don’t approach us directly for money, but that others will notice the need or an opportunity to help and then ask around.
I still feel guilty about not doing more, but where do you stop?
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It’s hard to help people who are far away and already lost their housing. A storage locker is a great, cheap way to help.
A gym membership or paying car insurance/tag fees to keep him driving legally are both good ones, too – having access to a place to bathe, work out, and relax can be really helpful, and letting things like car tags lapse can just snowball – tickets, then lost license, then illegal driving tickets, etc. I’ve seen that happen to more than one friend at a bad time in their life.
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These are all excellent suggestions — they are things that help insure that the person doesn’t fall further behind, into a hole that’s much harder to dig out of.
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Great ideas. And I’d add something that I’ve done before, which is to loan the friend a cell phone under my family plan. I blocked certain services to ensure that the cost stayed at $9.99 a month + tax.
About 22 years ago, I went through a period that I refer to as “dislocation.” The term “homeless” was too tough to wrap my head around. I was divorced with three precious daughters, ages 5, 4, and 2 at the time. It’s too much to explain here, but…
A friend took us into her apartment for a defined time period. (We discussed this in advance.) Another friend slipped cash into my handbag sometimes. A few weeks later, my boss guided me into getting my kids into a United Way-funded daycare situation, which was the hand up I needed to get back on my feet. Daycare was my biggest expense back then, costing more than rent and utilities. I still had to pay a portion of my daycare expenses, but it was a greatly reduced amount, and allowed me to finally get an apartment. It was still tough to make ends meet, but we survived. There was some strange kind of freedom in getting that low. I felt like I had nothing to lose when I applied for jobs that were beyond my experience and skillset, and dreamed that I might get one. Finally, I did get a better job with enough income for my daughters and me to live comfortably. There were a few more minor struggles over the years, but we made it through.
My promise to my friends and myself was always to pay it forward once I could, and I have. When people I help balk at accepting the gift of money, I always request that they, too, pay it forward by helping someone else as soon as they can.
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As crazy as it is, I’ve never thought about the fact that a gym membership provides a shower!
Why didn’t I think of that to all the people I know around here who live without running water in their houses/apartments? (I’m in Poland and many people don’t have baths/showers…and frankly, I’ve never thought about a gym membership which always seemed a bit luxurious.)
Interesting idea! Really.
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A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed
I believe that the first thing to do is if you have cash, pay for a roof over his head and food to eat. Couch Surfing is an option as well. Look for Couch surfing websites (lot cheaper than renting a whole place).
If you don’t have the cash, get a plane ticket for him and ask him to stay with you if you have room. If not, see if you can find an option close to you to see if you can help him out. Does he have some barterable skills (bartending, waitoring, HVAC technician courses, auto mechanics, plumbers…etc..). If you can help him get on a path and get student loan funding for these skill based jobs, it might be more helpful than a quasi – temporary/permanent situation. Additonally, the fracking natural gas industry is experiencing a boom in US. They need a lot of manual labor there and the pay is really good.
Then call around and see if any work can be had anywhere near you.
Main steps:
1. Get him off the street (either pay for couch surfing, cheap rent, + food)
2. Invite him to stay with you.
3. See if you can line up something for him.
If this is not a Depression, I don’t know what is but if we don’t help our friends in their time of need, are we their friend or acquaintance?
Also the friend seems to be amenable to your help. It is not charity, it is you caring for a person who is your family, friend, or community in an economic disaster.
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I’m pretty sure nobody will offer up their couch to a homeless guy. That’s not what couch surfing is all about.
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Even if the guy is a friend?
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I am sorry hiyaE but I think your idea of couchsurfing is a terrible idea and not to mention extremely inaccurate and opposing to the mission of couchsurfing (read: abuse).
As an active member of the site, I’ve seen many examples of members abusing the site. This is not good for the community. Couch surfing is a network for people who travel and people who are interested in exchanging travels, ideas, culture etc.
It is not a place for free shelter, or free sex, or free food, although there are some people who do it and we cannot control it, but it is highly frowned upon.
Many couchsurfers are kind and generous, but it is not a charity organization. please do not give people the wrong idea about CS mission.
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Evan, you don’t say where you are living right now. Can you visit and see with your own eyes what’s going on? Has he had any mental health issues? From my perspective, your friend emailed you because he needs help and he’s hoping you can offer him some. It’s difficult to admit to someone that you’re homeless; there’s a stigma. He trusts you enough to open up and tell you that something is wrong in his life. If you have the money, gift him some. Like others have said, if he feels better calling it a loan, call it that, but don’t expect repayment.
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I agree with getagrip above – if you are able – I think you should talk to him, and offer to pay for rent for 1-2 months. I tried to put myself in your situation and this is what I would do.
Talk to him first, because he may have a better idea for how you can help him. (using your address as a mailing address for resumes or job applications?)
After a couple weeks and he’s settled, maybe see if he would like your help in any other ways (advice, referrals to GRS, etc.)
What is he good at? Maybe there are some GRS readers in Phoenix who need some landscaping or perhaps something he is specifically skilled in?
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Having had friends who hit financial trouble despite doing everything that this and other PF blogs recommend, I totally understand wanting to help out. I agree with the earlier advice that you should go into this considering whatever assistance you provide to be a gift, not a loan. I would also clarify that with your friend, because he may–especially if he is responsible and cares about his situation–feel incredibly guilty if he is not in a position to repay you, and that could affect your relationship. (Many people who can’t repay loans avoid the person they owe rather than tell them what is going on)
I’d probably look at my finances, and see what amount I felt able to provide. Would it be easier to provide a monthly amount, or would you be more comfortable giving a single upfront lump sum? Once you know what help you are able to offer, I’d then reach out to the friend and figure out how he thinks it could best be put to use–for example, the rooms you are seeing on Craigslist may be less secure than the shelter where he is currently staying. And if you are giving a monthly figure, I’d make sure there was a clear understanding of how long the payments would go on. You and he both need the help clearly defined before you start sending money.
In my friends’ case, the help I provided did not magically solve all of their problems, but it kept them solvent long enough to work out their own solutions. And that’s really the sort of outcome you are looking for too. You want to help your friend get back on his feet so that he’s taking care of himself. Good luck to him and you during this challenge!
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It’s a tough call, and it really comes down to how well you know this guy and how motivated he is. I’ve tried to help a few people, and it went pretty badly just giving them money. I also loaned my brother-in-law money to buy my car, and he’s definitely a go getter, and it helped him improve his situation.
I just feel you’re enabling slothfulness and making things worse, not better, if he’s not doing much. And if you don’t see him, don’t know what leads he’s following up on, it’s hard. Also, there have been scams, so get him on the phone. But if you’re going to help him get on his feet, make it your business to help him every way you can, if he wants your help, I think he’ll be all for that.
I see job postings everywhere, and granted they may not be as cushy as some of the union jobs that got cut, but there are plenty of help wanted signs for people willing to take them. I would definitely help him out in specific ways, and be clear and careful about how you do, and how you’ll follow up. My dad let my brother live with him for about 4 years, paid for everything and it didn’t do my brother any good at all. But a place to stay, a suit for a job interview, anything else you can do to help may ease his burden. But go getters are always taking every little thing they can. My brother-in-law had 3 jobs a few months ago, and I have other friends who’ve been looking for years. How can he get 3 jobs with a HS diploma, and others can’t? I just hate people who are on hard times and think a job at McDonalds is beneath them. I know engineers who delivered pizzas when they had to, and I knew I was ready to get Married when I knew I’d work at Wal-Mart if I had to to support my family. It’s not ideal, but nothing says you can’t look for jobs when you’re not at work, and you can give your 2-week notice any time. But if I was that hard off, I’d take anything I was given and do anything I could for those helping me.
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Well, speaking as a quieter, shy sort of person in real life, I can tell you how someone can get 3 jobs while someone else doesn’t! I’ve at least managed to get over it and don’t have problems with interviews.
But someone who is a little awkward or not as forthcoming during an interview? When there are 30-300 other people in line for a job, employers are less likely to find out that the quieter, less memorable in an interview person might in fact be one of the more responsible and useful employees they could hire!
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I would just remind you that there are in fact, many more people in this country than there are jobs, period. I have a degreed twenty two year old son who cannot get a job mowing lawns. as menioned elsewhere, he has managed to cobble in some income-but not enough to live on his own and he would be homeless if I did not have room for him.
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Those help wanted signs don’t actually mean that jobs are currently available. Many places will take applications even when they’re not hiring, just so that they have a big stack of applications to choose from if/when they do decide they need another employee.
I saw a big sign at Hobby Lobby the other day saying “Now taking applications! $12 an hour plus benefits for full time!” Sounded great, I thought, until I saw the fine print at the bottom of the sign…yeah, they’re not actually hiring right now.
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It will be difficult going the Craigslist route. While I love the thought behind it, very few people will be accommodating enough to allow a short term renter with no income. The owner will not only have to look for another renter in a few months, but he/she may also wonder if your friend will move out in time. (Keep in mind the owner does not know your friend at all.) I would help look for places that provide room in exchange for tasks around the property in the meantime. Or maybe pay for room at an extended stay place.
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I am a 56 year old woman. At age 50 I was homeless for 18 months. NO addiction issues at all, just poor decision making. I worked a minimum wage job the entire time (40 hours a week) and bought and lived in a used ($750) van. I didn’t make enough to afford a security deposit, rent and utilities after paying for food, gas, a storage unit and doggie day care for my Rottweiler and cat. That took finding a job in a different state at higher wages. The thing is, there ARE jobs out there, albeit at McDonalds and other places. You don’t say if your friend has a car or not. If he doesn’t, you can buy him a good used van for about $1,000. If you want to spend more, do so. Put a lien on the car so he can’t sell it without your knowledge, but you can claim it and sell it should the need arise. Once he’s on his feet he can buy it from you or return it. Buy him a prepaid gas card too. There’s nothing wrong with living in your vehicle. Millions are doing it right now. Most homeless people are on the street 30 to 90 days (official statistics). The thing with renting him an apartment or even a hotel room is, unless he finds a job and can get back on his feet, you drive a wedge in between you financially. He feels guilty and beholding and resentful and worried that he has even more debt. Offer to put him up at a hotel through Dec. cause it’s the holidays and it’s your GIFT to him, not a loan. IF it’s a northern state advise him to go south for the winter. Depending on where he is, campgrounds charge $100 to $400 a month for tent/car camping, which will keep him off the streets and safer. Suggest he look into a temp agency, fast food job. I admire you for caring. So many people don’t. Ultimately he will learn from the experience and that’s the best thing. Advise him to stay out of shelters (too much disease, violence and crime) and to couch surf or live in his vehicle. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. In 2006 I was living in a Walmart parking lot in Denver, three years later I was talking about it on the TED Global stage in Oxford, England. (google becky blanton and TED) It’s possible to survive. It’s not the end of the world. It’s WHERE he is, not who he is. Support him, encourage him. It will make all the difference—far more than money, although it won’t seem like it at the time.
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But for now, I did put him up in a hotel for the next few weeks. It’s Christmas! He says he has heard once you are on the streets it is very hard to get out of it, I’m glad to hear at least one person has here.
He has no drivers license so a car isn’t practical. He is in Phoenix so it’s allegedly warmer, but they have had cold weather lately.
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It has been cold in Phoenix this week — temps around freezing overnight. (There are freeze warnings because desert plants need special care when it gets that cold.)
I don’t know where you put him up, but there are a few restaurants around where I live (east of the city) that are looking for kitchen help and busboys. If he has a bike, he could take the light rail and then bike…
I can go and see if those places still are hiring, if you want. JD, you can give the OP my e-mail address if he’d like to contact me privately.
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Evan, thanks for starting this discussion and thanks for chiming in with details. It seems a lot of people missed the facts that you are in Canada and your friend is in Phoenix. That really does affect what you can contemplate in terms of help.
Since your friend doesn’t drive, but apparently has a good work history, maybe you could discuss with him which city with decent public transit (there are a few!) he might want to move to, in order to look for work. Phoenix is … not exactly prospering. San Diego might be better.
Then you might be able to work out a deal where you help him get to the new city and keep his head above water till he can touch ground again.
Best wishes, good luck to you both, and props for being a good friend.
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I have read one or two blogs in my life and I am compelled to answer yours. Honestly, I decided to read the blog and look into others for my own personal reasons and situations. The economy is wretched. People, good people, are in places they never dreamed of nor should be… I am included.
Regardless, I looked over most the comments. I never read one mention on his trade and what he was doing prior to losing his job. I grew up in Arizona (lived in Tucson, Flagstaff, and Sedona) though I have recently relocated to Alaska. I know people scattered all over the state. I have also lived all over the lower 48 states and I literally know people in the West Coast, Midwest, and East Coast. I trust all the people in my life as they too are all hard workers with wicked great souls. It’s a long shot but if your friend would like help from me and my friends, I can ask around about current jobs that people know of, who knows right? Merry Christmas Evan. You did a great thing.
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The housing situation is going to be sketchy at best, I think that’s a given. Without reading every comment i’m not sure if this has been said, but a practical way to help is buy him a box at a local FedEx store.
I’ve had one for years, paying just $20 a month for a small box. What this does is provide a STABLE street address (no one has to know it’s a FedEx store), regardless of how many times he has to change his physical location or where that might be.
This would be critical both for job search and any possible public assistance he might qualify for. There is always someone there during business hours to sign for and accept packages. They also have notaries on staff if needed. He would be given a key so he has access 24/7 to a safe, secured store. They have computers and copiers to use at discount for box holders. Yes, I know libraries are free, but at least it would all be in one spot if needed.
Best of luck!
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I guess it depends on the person. I wouldn’t give a plug nickel to one of my brothers, while another I would go hundreds of miles out of my way to help. Presently we have two houseguests- one a 22 y.o. who’s family fell apart leaving her to deal with sudden independence and untreated epilepsy. We’ve gotten her set up with social services, including vocational rehabilitation and medical care. The goal is her own place. The other is one of my adult children, who suffers from schizotypal disorder. He comes with a 90 pound dog. The dog’s dear, buy my husband is allergic, so pooch gets the utility room. It’s tough, but we get to go our separate ways on weekends, which takes off some of the pressure. We don’t charge either of them rent, but they both help out with household activities, and we sometimes do stuff together, which makes it more pleasant for everyone. Oh, and our house? 840 square feet. Times are tough, and we just do our part.
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In the book “Pay it Forward,” the young protagonist, Trevor, gave an umemployed guy, Jerry, money so that he could buy shoes to apply for a job.
While it didn’t work out the way Trevor had planned, later Jerry wound up saving the life a woman who was going to commit suicide.
We may not be able to do everything to help an unemployed friend, but we can do something. And that one act of kindness can have a ripple effect.
http://carveoutyourniche.blogspot.com/2011/12/are-you-big-enough-to-pay-it-forward.html
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I agree with most of the advice above. Do your best first of all to find out if there are mental health issues. It can be that someone who has been holding it together for a while can go over the line into a diagnosable (and treatable) condition. Without knowing/addressing that, it’s hard to make other changes.
But after that, looking into ways to provide a month or two of transitional help could well get the person back on his feet.
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in this economy, folks can go from middle class to homeless rather quickly. As a volunteer, I help review grants applications from basic-needs charities, and several food pantries and ‘community closet’ agencies have seen new clients who used to be donors.
That said, a huge proportion of long term homeless have mental health and/or addiction issues. Not as widespread in short-term homeless.
Try to talk in person – the library or a church might accept an incoming call, and if there are any payphones left some accept incoming calls, your friend can email you a time & phone number.
You may want to take a pause yourself and assess how involved you want to get – setting limits before taking action could help keep you sane & engaged and help you avoid getting burned out quickly, which could help long-term results. “Involved” both in terms of money and emotional support.
It seems like a good sign that your friend is meeting with a job counselor at a local shelter. Most local shelters are good at assessing what folks in crisis need & helping those folks get it. IF the person is ready for change!
If you can, you might ask your friend for permission to talk to the shelter yourself, and ask the shelter how they think you could best help him at this point, and for the future (may be 2 different answers).
Does your friend have any local friends/relatives in the Phoenix area? If so, you could contact them for perspective & possibly to form a support group for your friend.
Most charities do intake interviews (even for drop-in food pantry services), which could help him define his current priorities (and could help you find out if mental health and/or addiction(s) are an issue).
Good luck!
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We just went through a similar situation with a friend. My advice: make sure you have the full picture before you offer any monetary help.
We had a friend who is in the National Guard and was going to be deployed for a secnd time. He went AWOL and ended up in a VA hospital in our town to be treated for depression, anxiety, and alcohol treatment. After completing that program, he was eligible for a program for those at risk of being homeless. After that program ended, we offered to let him rent a room in our house for a month until his GI bill finds came through (he was going back to school). After a month, he was still waiting for things to come through, so we agreed to let him stay another month. As time went on, we realized that he was not taking responsibility for himself to improve his situation. He would not go to his appointments or make the phone calls he needed to, refused to even apply for jobs, and was starting to miss class. At the end, when things weren’t improving for his (because he wasn’t doing his part) he started drinking again. We gave him an ultimatum near the end – we didn’t care where he was staying at the end of the month, but it wasn’t going to be at our house. He is now staying at the Salvation Army and getting the help he needs (but he is still not really following through with appointments and phone calls). After the fact,w e are finding out that he mooched off from a bunch of people before us and had student loans and other bills that he defaulted on even when he had been employed full-time.
Bottom line: don’t make someone else’s problems your problems. Be a friend and an ear, try to direct them to community resources, but before you give financial assistance, make sure you have the full picture by talking to his family and those who are currently close to him. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they can improve their situation.
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I live in Canada, and my friend doesn’t have a passport so him coming here isn’t really an option (although we could work on getting him one). My parents live in the US and have offered a place for him but my father just got out of the hospital for cancer treatment and my mother is very stressed. They are going to send him a bit of money instead, my mother thinks a smaller weekly amount would be good as he’d more likely spend it on necessities than a large sum upfront.
I’ve given him $400 (NOT a loan!) to get him off the street for the next few weeks, he’s at a $40/night motel with weekly rates (and wifi and laundry) so he should be safe enough to apply for jobs (he recently arrived in Phoenix).
I am comfortable and helping him is not causing me any hardship or to miss my savings goals. Even if it was though, what is the point of money if not to help people you care about in their time of urgent need?
My bigger concern was whether giving money is the right thing to do or if it prolongs him not taking care of himself. I think 4 nights on the street was enough to motivate him to take ANY job to put a roof over his head. He has told me he wouldn’t wish living on the street to his worst enemy.
He tried to sell vacuum cleaners door to door this fall but hurt his back badly (those things are heavy) and never got his drivers license, which rule out some obvious jobs.
Thanks to all for your input, and especially to those who have been in this situation. It really helps.
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Since you mentioned that he hurt his back pretty badly, it may not be a bad idea for him to look into SSI (disability benefits if it’s bad enough that he can’t work) or SSDI (disability insurance payouts based on federal money previously taken out of his paychecks – this depends on how much he has worked and how long ago he last worked). A legal aid organization could help him figure out if he qualifies (and it’s free since he has no income). A quick search turned up a legal aid organization in Phoenix that he can check out. http://www.clsaz.org/site/what-we-do/how-to-apply-for-services . They might also be able to help him look into subsidized housing options.
I wish him and you all the best.
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So, I should say first off that my wife and I were in this situation ourselves not long ago … we were actually the homeless ones
It’s important to remember that helping someone who won’t help themselves is bad news. We had friends that were kind enough to let us live with them for 6 months while we got back on our feet. I felt like I owed it to them to be extremely open with our financial situation throughout the process. When I started working again, I went back and paid them rent for time we first moved in, and for every month we stayed there. We didn’t buy anything new until I got a new job. Etc. We went out of our way to demonstrate that we weren’t using their generosity to finance a lifestyle.
When helping someone out, it’s totally fair to have a few conditions. It’s perfectly reasonable to wonder why they haven’t found a place of their own, yet they eat out for every meal and come home with new toys every week. Giving help (either by opening your home, or writing checks) is not something you HAVE to do. So if someone gets upset with some conditions, you should walk away. Just be sure to give the conditions up front.
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I’d do 3 things:
1. Get him (or send him money to get him) a prepaid cell phone with lots of minutes. That way he has a way to stay in touch and communicate with family and prospective employers.
2. Get a gym membership like another commenter suggested.Preferably a 24-hour place. This means shower is always accessible.
3. Send him a couple hundred bucks as a gift to tide him over.
Other things would depend on how close I am with this person, but if he is a childhood friend, no addiction problems, and is struggling, I’d like to think that I would extend a helping hand.
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I think it is human nature to want to help and “fix” however I will say this, he is lucky for one to be only himself and 2 in a warmer state.
This is a hard call with so many struggling still. I know for my family, we have faced the thoughts every single month for 2 years now if we will add to the list of homeless families this month, or next…… We have never had any help, we don’t get governement assistance……..
we are a family of five living off of 1300 and sometimes less a month……….it can get rough. We are not having christmas this year and told our children they would have to wait months to get anything. Some of my family members such as my mother are doing even worse so help is not an option. I know at any given day If I don’t find another way such as creating work, I could be packing up our vehicle and taking what little money we may have and heading south so at least we wont be homeless in a cold winter climate.
That being said, I do believe in helping friends but by GIVING and expecting nothing in return. We have taken in homeless friends in the past to allow them time to get on their feet, we have also given money……. I don’t believe in LENDING but giving because you know in your heart it is the right thing to do. Also we have helped in giving them skills such as frugality discussions.
With it being a holiday season, if ones I checked it out to make sure it was not a scam…..I would be even more inclined to be giving.
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What about flying down for a long weekend and checking out the situation for yourself? You could go with him to meet the counselor. You could do some research before you go about opportunities in the area for help/assistance. While you are there, he can stay with you at a hotel. I understand wanting to send money, but I think it is a short term solution to a bigger problem. I think to truly help the friend will take more than money.
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Three years ago, an unemployed friend of mine had massive medical problems at the same time his wife got laid off. I sent him a large check, and wrote that we could argue later whether it was a gift or a loan, but that I was considering it a gift. I told him I wanted him to have breathing space so he didn’t have to make bad financial decisions. Then I forgot all about it.
Fast forward two years. He published a book, got a settlement from the insurance company, and out-of-the-blue I got my money back. I wouldn’t have regretted it either way, but I’m glad this had such a happy ending all around.
I know it’s not the same situation; but this letter really gave me deja vu.
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Evan doesn’t say how close he is to this friend, how well they have kept in touch over the years, how frequently they have seen one another. That makes a difference in the approach.
Evan says that his friend has always been able to find a job until recently. What type of work? When he mentions “retail” is that the type of work his friend has done, or did his friend “always” have a higher paying, different sort of job but is having a tough time in the current job market?
When you mention “mental health issues” that is worth considering, but the source of any mental health issues matters greatly — did his friend recently suffer some kind of shock, tragedy or crisis? Even loss of employment and then loss of former lifestyle, friends, housing is a shock that can be a “mental health issue.” Don’t be so quick to assume drugs or alcohol problem. Not that it isn’t worth considering, but it sound like…
…well, let’s just say, the word “homeless” all of a sudden puts the friend in a different category from the rest of us who have never been homeless. Maybe this friend has never been homeless until 4 days ago. And now he is. So, let’s not forget that quite possibly up until 4 days ago he was a never-homeless person who always paid his bills on time until he lost his job, couldn’t find another, went through his savings…
I know someone this happened to. This is a very tough thing to go through. There is a stigma.
One of the best ways to help is to continue being a friend, to have a dialogue, to not turn away in disgust because all of a sudden you are friends with a homeless person. He is still your friend. Go ahead and be honest with him that you want to help but don’t know how, or what he needs. Ask him what he thinks he needs.
And definitely, I agree — do not LEND, but GIVE whatever you feel moved to give, considering all factors about your friend.
There may be some local social service agencies set up to help, but for someone who has never before been homeless or thought it possible, it can be so hard to overcome the shame. So, don’t shun your friend (he has probably been shunned enough already). And keep encouraging him to help lift his spirits.
Another thing that can really help a down and out person is for them to take steps to be able to be in a position to give, themselves (and not simply be needy). It helps with the feelings of shame. For instance… it is possible he has time to volunteer one day a week somewhere. That volunteering (being on the giving end) is going to help him in many ways. So, that might be something you can suggest.
It is hard to comment more, without knowing more details of how deep the friendship is and what you know of the circumstances.
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I believe hiyaE, or comment #9, is the only person that has provided real advice apart from whether or not to send money, so I would like to expand on that advice.
I’m going to go with the assumption that He is a close friend for whom you would do a lot, and that you have some means to help.
1. If this is a close friend, as you suggest, then my first thought is to see if he would be willing to come stay with you and then go from there about getting him a job and helping him get back on his feet
2. If he’s not interested in moving, consider going to see him and see what you can do there about getting him hooked up at an apt and a job…maybe paying for a couple months rent and more.
3. Consider taking up a donation. This could mean asking nearby churches to help or asking all your friends on facebook to send something. Then use that money to do #1 or #2.
4. Talk with someone in your area who deals with homeless people and see what they would suggest as to how you can help.
Bottom line for me: If this was my childhood friend, I would be there in a heartbeat doing whatever I could to help. Best of luck and I hope things get better.
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I’ve known people…acquaintances, not really friends…who were having a hard time, essentially about to become homeless. 2 separate examples come to mind, and both times I offered to let them move in with me until they get on their feet. One took me up on it; one didn’t.
I’m probably more inclined to do this than most because someone I knew…not all that well at the time, but we became very close friends…once let me sleep on his couch while I was moving to a new town, and hadn’t found a job yet. I ended up living there for about 2-3 months.
Obviously this involves risk. And unless you are extremely laid back, it may not be the best choice…particularly if you have a spouse or children. So I don’t know enough to say whether it’s a good idea in this case. But in my opinion, a roof and a stable address are the most helpful things you can offer.
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I think you just need to ask yourself, “Why do you want money and what would you like to achieve with it?”
If it’s to lead a healthy, secure life and support the people you love in their efforts to do so, then it makes sense to give (not lend) money to your friend. Your using your money in line with you values.
The only catch is that you have to really know your inner motivation. If it’s guilt over your financial security, then you’ll just end up resenting your friend and making it more of an IOU. But if you really want to be the type of person who helps others without expections, then go ahead. Using money in that way will make you feel better about having it and make you more motivated to grow your wealth.
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Yes.
A friend of mine ended up homeless. She actually had a job at the time, just not one that paid well, and when a bad relationship went worse, she needed to get out. She spent a couple of nights couch-surfing and then was living in her car. She was also struggling with depression at the time (not surprising) and in an overall bad place.
I sent her 1200 – enough to rent a room in someone’s house for several months – and also had groceries delivered to her. This was not enough money to put me into a financial bind, but it also wasn’t pocket change on my salary.
She’s MUCH better now. I’ve told her not to worry about repaying me, that I would rather any extra money go into continuing to better her own situation. I would do it again in a heartbeat – and I’m so glad I did.
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Without having read all the comments let me say this: Being homelss in todays economy may have nothing to do with ability, education, drive, drugs or anything else. People who are not aware of that fact need to be aware, and quickly. I am an educated woman who has been unable to find a job since 2006, with an educated unemloyeed son. for tunately we have been able to start a couple businesses, and I was able to access social security as well. Otherwise we would be one of “those” people. In other worlds, he probably really does want a job and he probably really cannot find one.
after that I would say the first question is whether the OP can easonably afford to help and how much. As to the how, IF it is affordable, I would suggest a one room apartment lease for a specific amount of time would in fact be a great gift. I would also make sure that this friend is getting everything he is qualified for. Sometimes we are so ashamed of our circumstances that we dont do this. When my now thirty year old daughter was one and my husband flew the coop with everything, that/s how we were assisted.
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Your friend knows his situation better than you do. So I’d start by asking him what I could do that would be most helpful – whether that be money or other “stuff,” logistical support (like tracking down apartment or job leads for him if he doesn’t have reliable internet access), or moral support.
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LOL Johanna – I just posted basically the same advice @ #67, before I read past the first few replies!
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Not a suggestion of any sort, because this isn’t for everyone nor would it fit every situation, but this post reminded me of a CBC radio show I listened to last weekend. The theme of the episode was hospitality. There was a segment about a woman in Calgary who invited a homeless man to stay with her family. The whole episode was very heartwarming. It’s available here: http://www.cbc.ca/tapestry/episode/2011/12/04/hospitality-1/.
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As I’ve read through the comments and the post, there wasn’t much mention of this person’s family. Are they willing to help out? I think family should help out first, then friends. If family has shut the door on giving help it may mean there are deeper issues than what have been disclosed.
That being said, I have a friend who is single mother of three boys. She’s been underemployed for 2.5 years. Each year at this time I gladly send her a check for what I can and know it will be used well.
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That always makes me more inclined to help – I have my parents & brother to fall back on, if worst came to worst, and everyone needs that kind of safety net – but not everyone has it.
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Forgive me for offering an opinion without having ALL your friend’s facts. I infer that he is single. IF so, I would ask my family for a corner in closet, living room, or hallway to sleep in. The money you send him lasts longner and helps his only family with basics (especially if they are in dire need). He could make himself scarce as much as possible while going out to offer his services doing odd jobs.
It seems counter productive to get a motel room. My brothers would be welcome to live with me as long a needed, IF they showed initiative to help themselves.
I sense there is a deeper issue with him than meets the eye. I wish him well. I trully do.
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In most cases, I recommend a gift that directly impacts his situation for the good:
* A calling card or prepaid phone
* A prepaid bus/subway pass
* Gift card specifically from gas or food chain
* Prepaying housing
But it really depends on what he needs.
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My uncle became homeless several years back, most likely as a result of mental illness (which in turn made it difficult for him to keep jobs in the past). My mom, his sister, didn’t want to let him move in with us, because of his mental illness/difficult personality. So instead she has helped him get access to social services, and he is now living in a halfway-house type of place funded by the city. She also gives him my dad’s used clothes, has paid for some of his therapy, and helped get him a lawyer when the city wanted to (illegally) evict him recently. It’s not easy to have a mentally ill/kind-of-homeless family member, but I think my mom is doing the best she can.
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I agree with your choice of lending a helping hand to friends or other random people rather than charities. Why is it such a big deal to announce to all that you donate to such and such? Everybody has different reasons, opinions and beliefs, whom to help and how.
As for this case (and I haven’t read a single comment yet) – if it’s the first time and you believe in your heart that friend is doing all possible to solve the situation and most likely will solve it (a.k.a. not afraid to take a “dirty” job for pennies and live in an even a “questionable” room as soon as that job starts paying), is there a chance you can invite him over? Feed him home meals? Drive him to interviews at times (or land a car)? Set a time line (a week? 2?) and explain in details what you’re offering and when you’d like to stop. Don’t expect results, just do it. Hope to God drugs and laziness are really not an issue (not saying they are).
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My young-adult son seems to collect homeless friends like other kids collect toy cars. We currently have had one friend living with us since May 2010 – his parents got into trouble with drugs and lost everything. The entire family of 5 was living with 2 grandparents, 2 aunts and 1 uncle (total of 10 in the house). There was some conflict between this kid and an aunt (with that many people how could there NOT be conflict?!) and he ended up on our doorstep. He was still in high school and he needed a place within bus route or walking distance of the school. He’s become part of the family now — sometimes I call him my son.
It’s been another mouth to feed and sometimes clothe. And we’re a lot more crowded in the house than we were before (sometimes I miss my extra bedroom – a lot). But when I think of the difference we made in this kid’s life — that with our help to finish school and get into the military he’s on a path to be a contributing member of society instead of living from paycheck to paycheck like his parents — I can’t imagine doing anything different.
Then just this week, we found out that another friend of my son’s had gotten kicked out of his parent’s house and was sleeping in my son’s car. What could we do – it’s winter and it’s Christmas. This visit is supposed to be short-term, however, as he applied for a school loan (which will make him eligible for school housing).
I did ask my son if he could please try to find some friends who weren’t homeless — just for a change of pace….
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I’m assuming your relationship with this person is such that you know his story to be true.I would concentrate my efforts on what helps him land his next job:
1) Access to a computer to fill out job applications and receive emails is top priority
2) Must have transportation – purchase bus pass, help with car insurance, gas card, etc.
3) Access to cell phone with pre-paid minutes, or voice mail (Set up Skype phone number that leaves messages on computer – this can be cheaper than a cell)
4) Everyone needs pocket change to pay for parking meters, copying costs, etc.
5) The gym membership for showers sounds great
6) Etc, etc. Ask him directly what is holding him back from getting a new job. Does he need an “interview outfit”, a haircut, new shoes? What would give him the edge?
7) An IPod Touch would help get emails with free Wi-Fi.
Anything that would help him seem like all the “normal” applicants would give him a step up when interviewing.
I’ve been helping a friend during his unemployment crisis by paying for prepaid minutes for the cell, producing resumes (and printing them), dropping off food, etc. Out of the blue my friend had a once in a lifetime opportunity with his music that has turned into a job for him. I set up a website for him so this opportunity could blossom and this has kept him employed (and changed his life for the better) so lots of money thrown at someone doesn’t always solve their problems. I only gave what I could afford and let him know he’s not to pay it back. Just keep moving ahead. He can’t take advantage of me because I only give what I want.
There are very good people that need the kind of help they never expected to need. Thanks for trying to help someone directly.
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Could you buy him a bus ticket to the city you live in? Let him stay with you for awhile until he can get on his feet. I would be hesitant to send him cash because you just never know what it’s being used for. If he is living with you, you will be able to help him with job applications, saving money, etc. There’s so much more you can do if he is close by.
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What are you so afraid he’d use the money for that would make you hesitant to give cash? If there’s a specific reason to believe he has an illness or addiction that would prevent him from acting in his own best interest, that’s one thing. But in general, I don’t think poor people are any less able to manage their own money than anyone else.
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I believe that Evan said he lives in Canada and his homeless friend lives in Phoenix and has no passport.
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I live this situation every day. 2 of my siblings and my father are on the brink of being destitute. A result of both internal and external factors causing a perfect storm – failed/abusive marriages, chronic illness, living in a 3rd world country with a failed economy (think US sub-prime crisis to the power of 10).
I have lent and lent and lent. I found a box of western union receipts when I was cleaning the other day and I couldn’t believe how much money I’ve given away. The situation brought me close to financial ruin when I lost my job. It is grinding on my relationship. My partner doesn’t fully understand my actions as her family is living the american dream.
My advice for Evan is twofold:
1) Decide whether you want to help. What is your motivation. For me, I feel obligated as my family’s sacrifices got me the education that put me here. For Evan, it sounds like he loves his friend and doesn’t want to see him suffer. Once you have decided this, you can more easily ignore the cries of people who say that you are wasting money that you will never get back, “never lend to friends” etc.
2) Determine whether you have climbed the ladder and are pulling your friend up. Not standing at the bottom and trying to push him up. I have helped when I was not in a good position to help. The long term effects of this won’t help anyone. In the end we could all be poor.
Good luck to you and your friend.
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I want to think more about my reply (not that anyone’s waiting for it, ha ha), but one thing immediately gave me pause: that the LW says that he (LW) is a “softie”. I would explore every facet of what’s going on with the friend – is he now an addict, or mentally ill, what’s the story there – before giving anything. It might not be coincidental that the friend chose to tell LW about this, know what I mean?
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JCC, the LW (Evan) didn’t say he was a “softie”; J.D. did, referring to himself (J.D.).
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Have you asked your friend what he needs most and what form of help he’d be comfortable accepting from you? Treat him like an adult who needs help instead of a charity case.
Then, if he says his first priority is a roof over his head & shelters aren’t available to him, then you could get him an inexpensive hotel room for the short term and offer to help toward an apartment/room cost until he gets a job & the first paycheck. If he’s starving, send him some cash for food.
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I don’t have any specific advice for Evan but I thought I’d put my experience out there for others who may be in similar situations.
My dad is somewhat homeless. He does have a small, old motorhome he inherited from his parents. He has no job, ran out of unemployment, and suffers from addiction and severe depression. He is terrible at handling money. A big part of me knows he is the only person to blame for his circumstances but I also know how difficult his battle against depression has been. I won’t abandon him but I won’t fuel his addiction either.
Living in a car/motorhome is better than living on the street. There are many store parking lots where he can stay for free and where we live there are two places where he can dump his septic waste and grey water for free.
We let him charge his motorhome, shower, use the internet and other amenities of our home while we are at work. He is welcome to eat any of our food, use our towels, washing machine, etc. Thievery has never been a problem with my father and he knows others are not welcome in our home. He is grateful and in exchange regularly vacuums our home, mows our lawn, walks our dogs, and does small repairs. For a homeless man, he lives like a king and our relationship has improved as a result.
For Holidays and birthdays we make sure to give him giftcards for clothes or other things we know he needs rather than money. We also make sure his dog has food, my father’s depression would be a hundred times worse without his companion.
He does sometimes disappear when his addiction and depression has gotten the best of him, but I know where he goes and, from experience, I know he will be back.
This is just what we have done, perhaps others have approached a similar situation differently? And to those facing a similar situation I would recommend procuring a safe place for the person to stay such as a car or hotel room(but not with you, that burden can get too great); Making sure they have the ability to shower, wash clothing, and eat. Also, make it very clear to yourself and the person how long you are willing to provide this assistance. In my father’s case, because of his addiction and depression, we only committed to things we knew we were able to provide(financially and emotionally) for the remainder of his life.
For those who will inevitably wonder my Dad has had regular access to a psychologist and medication. Getting him to take it regularly is something we are working on.
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Addicts are really difficult, but it sounds like you’ve worked out the best possible solution with your dad.
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We have acutally had a few friends in need of help over the last few years. Mostly ones in the midst of a divorce – where they cannot support two households in this economy.
We have had friends stay in our guest room for a few months. We have a friend staying in my father-in-laws house after he had to be put into an assisted living center. The father-in-law was disturbed at the thought of selling the house – and having someone in it keeps it maintained and protected.
We have another friend who was waiting for payment from contract work – but meanwhile his insurance was going to lapse and his daughter had diabetes, so we paid his insurance premiums (directly).
There are many good items of advice here – and for us, we have decided that each time we help out a friend it is at a level where if we did not get repaid it would not impact us. If we do get repaid we are more able to help another.
Hope it all works out for you and your friend.
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I work. I live below my income. I save. I am blessed. I am lucky. My friends, I would go to the grave for. My heart breaks for anyone that doesn’t have at least one or two friends like that.
Personal Finance is a great way to live the life you want to live, it is not a life of itself.
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One other thought – is there a reason that your friend wants to stay specifically in Phoenix?
If staying in Phoenix isn’t critical, you might ask if he’s open to relocating to an area with lower unemployment than Phoenix (perhaps not right now – up to you, it may make more sense to wait until he’s stabilized a little). You could help with finding a job & gifting bus fare to get him to a new city, if that option is attractive to your friend.
BLS says the unemployment rate was 8.1% in Oct in Phoenix, lower than the 8.6% national rate, but higher than many areas (for example, Logan UT and Midland TX are both 4.5%, and Lake Charles LA is 6.4% – the areas with even lower unemployment were all colder winter areas, might be less interesting since one of the attractions of Phoenix was weather).
Cost of living is worth considering too. And local social services/support structure.
(I googled for ‘low unemployment rate cities’ and the top link was for a BLS page with ‘Unemployment Statistics for Metropolitan Areas’ sorted from low to high). You may want to look at county-by-county rates, there are lots of small cities with low unemployment that the big city list would miss.
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Moving cost money. If the unemployment has run out and he is homeless there is no money to move.
That is likely not a viable option.
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I have never actually been homeless but I remember being on the abyss of despair and at that time my brother let me stay at his place for a few cold winter weeks.
Eventually I found a roommate to move with, got a job and went back to school, and now i make a living. I think physical support is very important when you’re vulnerable.
But I also remember that I was extremely depressed, confused, and out of good ideas, and that it was great to have a therapist to talk to, and that made the difference between life and death.
If your friend had a rough childhood he probably has a few dysfunctions which disable him to work. I don’t know that they are considered disabilities by law, but “quick to anger”, or “short of memory” or “incapable of following instructions” can make a person unemployable.
For me, I had to learn to be more flexible to survive in the world. I had to learn to set goals and deal with intermediate obstructions.
Whatever the situation, the game is won or lost by the quality of your thoughts– even if you’re naked in Antarctica, I suppose.
Your friend probably needs more than a bag of rice and dry coat, in the long run. See if you can help with that.
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Mental memory problems can be disabling, and being “quick to anger” is often a symptom of untreated depression.
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It is interesting that this is today’s post as this morning while stopping at DD I gave a mentally ill, homeless woman, a ride from DD to another spot that she likes hanging out at. I also got her a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She always asks me to buy her cigarettes and since I worked in mental health I understand that she is basically self medicating with the nicotine but I just can’t do it.
I’m sure all the other professionals at Dunkin thought I was crazy for welcoming a homeless, mentally ill woman into my car. But as someone who worked in mental health I understand her issues, I’m always aghast at the lack of funding for services and support for those who cannot work due to serious health issues such as hers. We had a nice talk as I drove her about a two miles north. I’ve interacted with this woman for years and she told me today that she appreciates me talking with her, i.e. treating her as a human, more than money, the ride or the food.
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I think it’s just lovely that you are trying to help with your heart and not just your head.
Went through this process last year with an elderly neighbor when she and her mentally challenged adult son (an absolute sweetheart, quiet boy, who does everything he can to take care of his mother, but is a 30 year old with an iq of about 60) lost their rent controlled apartment.
Although she had been a staple of the neighborhood (been here 30+ years) once she lost her house, no one on the block but my house would even give her the time of day.
The city system would only help them if they split up and put jimmy in with the adult single men–without making allowances for his mental challenges–which of course terrified his mamma and me. He wouldn’t have lasted a night.
So they rode the trains. I paid their fare (I have very little extra) and when I could, paid for a few nights in cheap hotels. The rest of the time they stayed in sit-up shelters. They showered at my house whenever they needed to gussy up for interviews and whenever I was out of town they stayed here and cared for my animals. Although the city homeless program provided storage for goods (i.e. when the marshal evicts you and your stuff, it isn’t left on the curb but taken to city storage), it is notoriously unsafe and anything of value routinely disappears. I stored anything at my house that she absolutely did not want to lose.
Eventually we got them hooked up with a private charity that assists homeless with housing, jobs, and/or relocation to family. After a month or two, Dottie earned respect and became a house-mother for the org; they made allowances for jimmy to stay with her although he slept in the men’s quarters next door. Last summer, they were relocated with help to her brother and sister in Florida. I assisted with character references and part-time work references for jimmy to find work as a janitor, citing his work for me caring for my animals and apartment.
My advice would be to do what you are doing as you can for the time being. Little things add up, especially if a lot of people are pooling the little things. Possibly be a character reference for your friend in the job hunt. Remember to think–when you are deliberating about monetary gifts–that what you are giving is not money but a tomorrow…anything can happen “tomorrow”…and don’t feel badly if you want to, but cannot, give more. Do what you can when you can.
I don’t know what the situation in the west is, but in NYC, one has a MUCH better shot at beating the homeless rap if you get involved with a private organization. The city programs undermine and deflate you as much as they help with their vast (comparatively speaking) resources.
And then then there’s the human touch. From the working with other homeless I do–especially with the first time homeless prevalent in this depression–the fact that there is someone out there TO email…and who will answer, even if without monetary help, is more valuable in many senses than any hotel bed.
It is the perceived shame and the aloneness…pariah, leper, mentality the rest of us take that ultimately beat down fighting will. When we choose what help to give, we gotta remember: but for grace…there go I.
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I volunteer at a homeless shelter for women and see this every day – people who are situationally homeless due to job loss. Have him get in contact with Salvation Army immediately. Many shelters offer transitional housing, rent assistance and even job assistance. If I had the means I would wire him some money to care for his basic needs and research organizations nearby that could help. I have had a homeless friend stay with me and it wasn’t easy but I believe in sowing seeds because I never know when one of my children may need a helping hand and God forbid I’m not around to help them. Therefore I help people as much as possible. Peace.
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