This guest post from Gina is part of the “reader stories” feature at Get Rich Slowly. Some stories contain general advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all levels of financial maturity and with all sorts of incomes.
Back in 2007, I found myself experiencing an unexpected divorce. After the smoke, I realized where I was financially and panicked. However, my inner frugalista soon showed herself and I began making financial choices that had not been possible before. I started investing my time and effort into my finances. The momentum I developed surprised me and continues to surprise me today.
This is what I learned to do:
- I took my former budget for two and turned it into a budget for one. I continue to follow that budget and let it evolve over time. I know not everyone likes to budget, but a budget gives me the structure I need.
- I started using the envelope system. Whenever I was paid, I would take cash out of the bank and distribute it to my envelopes. What a relief! It worked, and I realize now that it relieved me from having to make more decisions. I still use this today. This one tool helps me know that if I did get a big chunk of money that I wouldn’t blow it.
- I pay off my credit card every month and have spent time fine-tuning my personal system for limiting credit card charges when there’s no more money to spend.
- I went after my vehicle loan and paid that off. Very nice — my first taste of financial freedom. I decided that I’d start saving now for my next vehicle, because it makes me sleep better at night.
- After my vehicle loan was paid off, I increased my 401(k) contribution. I had dropped my bi-weekly paycheck contribution in order to get through some really tight times. I’m hoping to increase my 401(k) contribution with this year’s raise to where I would like it to be for a while. It’s not maxed out … yet. I’m also investigating a Roth IRA.
- I now have four months of mortgage payments in the bank. My goal is to have six months saved, and that could happen within a few months. A very cool aspect of this is that I’m getting used to seeing bigger and bigger numbers in my bank account.
- Mortgage debt is the only debt I have. My house is “under water” but not too badly. I can’t refinance right now. Even so, when I have extra money I’ve been going after the mortgage debt. As big as it all is, I have a dream goal of paying off all the mortgage debt. There’s a real sense of satisfaction for me when I make a principal only payment. With this one specific action I continue to give myself more choices, more financial freedom, and increase my net worth.
After four years of applying the basics, I feel like I’ve reached the second stage of financial maturity: “Choosing to live frugally, saving in earnest, and pursuing financial goals.” What a great place to be!
The momentum of the choices that I’ve made for the last four years is seriously paying off. Because of my age and my debt levels, I’ve had to pursue more than one big goal at a time. I understand this is just a complication of the circumstances of my life right now. I may not have the compounding luxuries of my 20s and 30s, but I have the wisdom and focus of my 40s.
Today I’m committed to continuing my diligent efforts with my finances. It has become a natural way for me to expend my energy. I’m also looking forward to solidifying my second stage position and working towards the third stage of personal finance. Thanks to Get Rich Slowly for the motivation and inspiration!
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Losing the 200 pounds of useless flab that was my ex-husband was the best thing I ever did, financially. Yes, my income dropped–but 10 years later I am able to live better (and have actual savings for the future) because I am no longer being chained to a spendthrift!
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Just a suggestion. With our economy the way it is we never know when the banks will tell us we must pay off our loan now! It is true. It has been done in the past. I think putting the extra money for the mortgage in a special savings or lock box if allowed will let you have the money for an emergency (ill health, no job, etc) and when you have enough walk in and write a check to pay off the loan. My bank actually didn’t want me to pay off the loan. I should use that money for a vacation etc. according to them. I’ve never slept better than to know the house is mine. You are doing absolutely great. Not very many are so disciplined.
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“we never know when the banks will tell us we must pay off our loan now!”
Fixed mortgages and in fact most bank loans don’t work like that. The bank generally won’t have the right to demand immediate payment. I’ve not heard of a mortgage with such a clause so this is not something you need to worry about.
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Good for you and good luck!
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Being with an abusive partner too can cause much money to be poured down the drain. Loss of income, not enjoying your life, etc. We need to plan our lives a little and enjoy our time while we have our health. It doesnt last forever
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“I may not have the compounding luxuries of my 20s and 30s, but I have the wisdom and focus of my 40s.”
Indeed. Thanks for highlighting the positive aspects of your situation (and mine, as a fellow saver in her forties who sometimes needs encouragement).
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And I at fifty one with a sizeable mortgage, not a whole lot of savings and a teenage son in college still struggle to make ends meet. As a single parent running a house etc on one income, I sometimes feel I will never get ahead. I have though over the past two years paid down some of my mortgage. I still have a huge way to go. Thanks for your inspiation.
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Thanks for sharing that. I always like to see how people devlop their own methods to financial freedom as I’m still developing mine.
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Gina, thanks for writing this. Our stories are very similar. My husband and I had very different ideas about money, and when we divorced, the freedom to make my own financial decisions was one of the most liberating elements. Three years later, I have paid almost everything off (with one remaining credit card that I relied on during the transition) and have a goal of establishing a chunky emergency fund and am very much looking forward to the future!
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Congrats. Surviving the emotional consequences of a divorce is hard enough, without having to suffer under the financial ones. If it’s not an amicable divorce, and very few are, just paying off the lawyers can be financially devastating. Not that the advice wasn’t helpful, but I didn’t want to pay for my attorneys kids to go to college while mine ended up with school loans, so we kept the process as amicable as possible.
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I use cash for grocery purchases and my “fun money”. I’ve found that does help me stay within my budget better. All my utility bills are paid automatically by credit card online so I don’t miss a payment. I’ve found that mix works well.
Daisy
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I do the same – cash for grocery/fun/local purchases, and automatic withdrawal for all my bills. Only I don’t want to add to my credit card (which I’m aggressively paying off), so the bills come out of regular checking. But paying cash for local things is very freeing!
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Like @Patti above, I’m grateful for you sharing your story. Too many people think that divorce can never happen to them, but it is common nevertheless.
Divorce is never great but regaining my ability to make good financial decisions without battling with my always-overspending ex has been a huge blessing.
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Keep it up! As I read this, I think why wasn’t done earlier (when married)? Then I realize that necessity required change. I always felt you need a more compelling reason to do or stick to something than the reasons to not do it.
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my divorce was devastating financially and I can place all of the blame on my ex. Being left halfway through college with 2 small kids and no income whatsoever forced me to be creative, resourceful and extremely frugal. I got a job, then I got a better second job, I work hard in school, and I take advantage of every resource I possibly can. I’m set to graduate next spring with nothing but student loan debt into a high-demand, well-paying market (healthcare specialist). That debt will be paid off and I will own a home within a decade, and have college funds for my kids to boot. My ex makes 4x what I do, lives with his mom, new wife, and baby, has utilities turned off all the time, car re-possessed and never has food in the house. One thing I have learned from GRS is that personal responsibility and thoughtful decision-making is the key to financial success, and our stories are living proof.
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I remember in my first divorce (I’ve had two), thinking that I was going to be really poor living on just my secretary’s income. I was shocked – even with paying much higher rent than our ramshackle house payments – at how much more money I had. For one I didn’t hand over my savings to pay for our annual vacations (and heaven knows what else – I never got ‘change’). He paid for all our meals out and movies and it must not have been an even trade…I never did the math. Also, I wasn’t helping him pay half his child support. Mainly, I think, I wasn’t buying stuff to make up for my unhappiness anymore; also, I stopped eating antacids like they were candy – no more indigestion! It was a major awakening! Good on you for getting back on your feet.
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You are doing so well! Congratulations! Be proud of your decisions.
One thing I learned about home ownership is this: ask your bank to run off a payment schedule showing your regular mortgage payment and how it covers interest and principal according to the way they calculate it. Ask for closing costs as well. Ask for a second printout showing what an extra $100 per month would look like. Draw your own conclusions. Do note how much shorter your mortgage period will be, as well. It’s shocking.
The other bit of advice from this “older person” is what I told my kids when they had to have me cosign for student loans and mortgages. The bank is NOT your friend. It doesn’t matter how nice they sound, they are in this for the money. Always ask for a better deal. Always use professionals who might get you a better deal (mortgage brokers, or parents with money in the bank which could mean lower interest rates, advice of financial planners)
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Well done! It is quite the ego boost to realize you can take care of yourself, and do it even better than when you were part of a couple.
My first year after divorce was tough. I was constantly stressed about money and rebuilding an emergency fund from the pittance I had left in savings after the settlement. I took on roommates to supplement my income and help me save money faster. It worked out very well and I was even able to build up enough funds to take a nice vacation the following year.
Like you, the only debt I have now is mortgage debt. But I’m not as eager as you to pay it off. While the idea of “financial freedom” is appealing, in reality it would be a bad financial move for me to push hard on wiping out the mortgage. With real estate values and interest rates being so low, as well as the small tax advantage of holding a mortgage it doesn’t make sense for me to throw a lot of money at my mortgage. I do pay extra on the principle and am aiming to pay it off before I reach retirement age, but I’m instead focusing on my retirement savings.
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Hello Linda,
I am just curious, if you have some time to spare, how was your experience with sharing your house? Am in the same process now it would be really interesting on how you coped with it.
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Gina,
When I read of your attitude about money, saving, and debt, it seems to me a sure bet you will reach your goals. Good for you. I especially like that you increased your 401(k) contribution when you paid off your car loan. That shows great money maturity, I think. In my experience, in many cases when someone finally pays off a car, a little bell goes off: “Oh–must be time to buy a new car!” Or they increase spending elsewhere instead of increasing saving. No way to reach financial goals!
One suggestion: You mentioned you can’t refinance your mortgage right now, and I’m not sure but seem to imply that’s because you’re underwater? If that is the reason, check out the new, revised HARP. Under the new rules, homeowners can refinance now matter how deep underwater they may be. Check with a mortgage lender to see if you qualify.
Keep up the great work!
Kurt
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I agree with Kurt that HARP may be worth looking into. Especially if your mortgage is much higher than 5%.
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I was going to suggest HARP, too. Your loan has to be either Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac and there’s a website where you can find out. You have to be current on payments, which it sounds like you are.
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Definitely check out HARP.
Also, check rental rates in your area – would renting out your home allow you to downsize? Example: say your home could rent for $1,200/month, but you would be happy living in a 1BR rental for $800/mo – you could be $400 ahead each month.
This would make the most sense if your home is much larger than you could get by in, and/or if apt rental rates are low relative to property values in your area or house rental prices are high relative to apt rental prices (every market is different!).
A few caveats:
1-make sure this wouldn’t mess up your divorce agreement (is living in the home a requirement in any way?)
2-Check your mortgage before doing so – some allow you to rent out your home after x years of your being an owner-occupant, but some don’t allow you to rent out the home at all as long as the mortgage is in place.
3-Also compare utility rates carefully (you would want a renter to be 100% responsible for those) – if your home is more energy efficient than an apt, your costs could go up and that would be bad.
4-if you could rent your home furnished, you might get more rent and avoid most moving costs but you would have to find furniture; if you are moving all your ‘stuff’ that could be a big cost and/or hassle.
5-you would want to change your home owner’s insurance from owner occupied to a landlord policy, which is usually more expensive, and you will also want renter’s insurance…
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When my mother and father divorced when I was 11 years old, that is just what my mother did. We moved to a 2 bedroom apartment and mom rented our home out. It was a good option financially and kept her from being house rich and cash poor. Hey, I didn’t have a huge back yard to mow anymore, we were closer to my best friends, and the apt was very nice and came with a pool. It was a great decision on my mom’s part.
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Nice work Gina! After my divorce, I was well into the six figures in debt and could only make the minimum payments but managed to get a better job and then picked away at it using a combination of methods. I founds GRS about halfway though and got good conformation for what I was doing and some new ideas and now seven years after the fact am finally debt free.
Like some of the other commenters, my ex was certain I was the root of our financial problems. I was half the problem as we lived a life beyond our means but now I am debt free and she is still telling anyone who will listen that she is a pauper, though she has a PhD, got $100K in cash from me in the settlement. When/if she decides to take responsibility for her life, she may get back on track, but for me, I’m happy to have turned my behavior around and move on without her. It’s really about our perspective on the situations life throws at us.
Ever onward!
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Great story and congratulations!
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Sort of interesting how you did not mention how much money you got out of your husband in the divorce. Every man I know (some are close friends at work) that has been through divorce lost practically everything to a vengeful wife maximizing her “take” with state laws bent far in her favor. Not saying it’s your situation, but it is hard to relate to your story when some of my friends are living in near poverty conditions (with 6 figure salaries!!) and have ex-wives comparitively rolling in the dough after.
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Well, Doug, it depends on whom you ask. Every single *woman* of my acquaintance who has been through a divorce wound up holding the gooey end of the lollipop.
Think: Ex-husbands who don’t pay child support on time (or at all) but who have money to travel, go horseback riding, buy the latest tech equipment, eat in restaurants, etc.
The corollary: Women who deny themselves just about everything so that they can afford to buy shoes for their fast-growing kids, and who cannot put a dime into savings or an EF, let alone toward retirement.
Sure, “vengeful” women who are “comparatively rolling in it” exist. So do ex-husbands who see no reason to help provide for their kids. When it comes to divorce, neither sex has a lock on victimhood.
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Well said Donna! I came out of my divorce 17 years ago holding the baby and very little else. My ex husband hasn’t increased my son’s child support(a pittance) in 17 years despite inflation and the fact that my son is in his first year in college and is now much more expensive. I have neither the energy nor the funds to take him back to court only for him to hide his income and plead poverty. I pay for everything and like you, through a mixture of hard work and frugality I have kept us both afloat. I am not complaining about my lot. In fact(like many of the people commenting) I have a tremendous amount of satisfaction from a job well done.
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Child support for a college age child?? (unless he’s still under 18)…
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I believe that child support payment regulations depend on the state in which the divorce was finalized. For example in NYS, the law dictates that you pay child support until the child is 21. It is then negotiable if the child is still in college. 18 make sense since they are a legal adults but the law makes the final call.
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Guessing he is in arrears and needs to pay up what he missed.
Great job on digging yourself out of this mess.
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When a women ceases to be a man’s wife ,IMO his legal and moral obligation to her ends. As to child support, that is a seperate issue. Well I keep hearing about these sob stories you describe, but I have not seen it personally. Like I said, my reality is that the men I know (all good men – of course not perfect ,but good) all got screwed royally – and a number of them had to fight to ridiculous ends on trumped up abuse charges – just so the ex-wives could try to spite them and take the kids completely. In every case it was exposed as a ruse without consequence to the lying wife. I am glad that the author added the comment that shows she did it fairly. Points for that.
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I disagree; I’d say if either spouse has foregone significant benefits on behalf of a planned shared future and they then split, the division should incorporate a repayment. Of course, what’s fair in that context is often difficult to identify, but if, say, my husband put me through school and I then divorced him, I’d expect to owe him something to reflect the balance of what he had contributed toward my subsequent success and earnings.
And for the record, my husband’s ex-wife and he split evenly and fairly. Conveniently, they’d both worked at roughly equal incomes throughout their married lives, so splitting stuff in half and walking away was about fair (as well as easy to implement). Not every divorced woman out there is raking a man over the coals — I’d argue, not even close to most.
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So, Doug, if said ex-wife was a stay-at-home mom of YOUR and her kids, without a job for 20+ years, and no current training for a decent job, your moral obligation to her is done? You are just fine with her working a minimum-wage job for the rest of her life?
Note: This goes both ways, for stay-at-home dads, too.
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Because you haven’t “seen it personally” it can’t be real? Just trying to understand your reasoning here.
If I take that line of thinking, the fact that I have never known a man who was falsely accused of abuse during a divorce, it must mean that this sort of thing has never happened.
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Absolutely – You are applying a double standard in stating that the male is responsible for the forgone cost incurred by the wife’s choices or joint decisions. What is the forgone cost to the man and how does one require the wife to be responsible for paying back that cost / loss due to being married? You make the raising of children sound like the sole turf of women, but more studies are pointing to fatherless children being more scarred and damaged than motherless ones So, should one conclude that the real parental value is in the father? Then there is the anthropological / cultural aspect whereby cultures with understood and balanced roles (note I did not state “fair”) are happier and survive longer/better. Women today cry about staying home and they cry about going to work.. Well, guess what? my Grandmother did both on multiple fronts – without complaint and raised 5 children – My Grandfather worked multiple jobs, farmed and fished commercially. They were happy. They both worked hard , both had a hand is raising the kids , both had chores around the home. Your commments about HER forgone job skills and salary to raise your own children show why we are doomed as a culture. Maybe it’s just worth doing things (maybe even sacrfice a little ) to keep a man/woman around – instead of pushing them away. There is a natural/ intrinisc motivation for a women or man to attract and keep a spouse. If you can’t, then you don’t get along as well. In the real and natural world you won’t mate or survive long enough for your children to survive.
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I’m going to suggest to you Doug that knowing these men does not necessarily mean you know all of the details. Divorces, like marriages, are very personal. Almost all divorced people feel that they got the short end of the stick. Clearly, that math doesn’t work.
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Not every woman (or man) gets or even wants money out of a divorce. We went to a mediator to draw up our agreement and only used a legal service to file the agreement, not create it. All we had were debts, so we divided those up and off we were.
There are many reasons why state laws privilege women. Historically, divorces have dramatically hurt women, particularly if they stayed at home to take care of children. For many women, this is still true today.
My individual case was not like this– we had no children and we were similarly positioned in terms of education and yearly salary.
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My ex would agree with you. It is indeed very common for the man in a marriage to consider 100% of the couple’s savings as “his” alone, and to disregard everything that his wife brought into the marriage whether salary or childcare.
My ex currently complains that I “took all his savings” in our divorce 5 yrs ago, when all that happened is that our assets were divided in half. Perception is key, I guess, but splitting the assets in half seems fair to me.
While we were married we lived on my salary and he saved 100% of his salary. No I don’t get alimony, I’ve never been a SAHM, we have 2 kids, we have similar careers and salaries, and yes he pays child support which he bitterly resents also.
If the woman was a SAHM and gave up a career for 20 years to take care of the kids, I think it is fair to compensate for that too.
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My sister got the dream divorce settlement, and I don’t think she even acknowledges it. She was a stay at home mom/wife for the whole of their marriage. They divorced after 9 yrs. of marriage. Four years later, he still works TWO full time jobs to pay for both of their expenses. She lives in the house – he lives in the crappy apartment. He takes the kids on the week-ends. He still mows her lawn and often takes out the trash. If she doesn’t feel well, he will swing by before work and take the kids to school. He pays COBRA for her health insurance. She has made no effort to get a job, even part-time, in the past few years. I believe this arrangement is supposed to end after five years. I don’t think she is prepared for “real” life, and she still complains about how her ex-husband doesn’t give them enough money to fix things in the house.
Yet, according to her, I don’t seem to understand the plight of the single mother. Am I incorrect that she also doesn’t really know what it’s like to be a true single mom with all that entails financially? Or am I being hard on her?
Of course Donna is right that there are as many situations as there are divorces. Most single women struggle. But you do hear the nightmare stories of men being taken for a ride. And this is not just an upper class or upper middle class problem. We have a friend who is a welder, and he speaks of how half of his co-workers are financially beholden to women for alimony (NOT child support) for decades after.
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You assume a lot, Doug. Fact is, after 16 years of marriage and two children, I got nothing from my exhusband. No part of the pension, the house, nothing. So basically he got free everything from me for 16 years. But hey it’s all good because I’m free of him now and that’s worth a lot.
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Statistically, women end up in poverty after divorce at a much greater rate than men. There are many reasons for this, often women have gaps in their careers due to child birth, maternity leave and staying home with small children. Women often also pick lower paying careers and women are still paid less than men for the same job. Women often take custody or greater custody of both the kids and the marital home after divorce and the marital home can often bankrupt the wife because the income, even with support, is not sufficient to maintain the marital home and upkeep.
In most states, spouses are not responsible for alimony, either temp or permanent, until after many years of marriage. In Florida you have to be married 7 years to get even temp alimony and it, of course, works both ways, if the woman earns more or has greater assets they will pay out to the male spouse. Permanent alimony is very rare and often requires both a long term marriage and a spouse that stayed at home for many years.
As a woman, I think married folks, both men and women, should be very cautious about giving up a career to stay at home. Divorce is not the only reason, I’ve had women friends whose husbands had very serious illnesses, death, long term unemployment, etc. When you step out of your career for years at a time it is very difficult to get back on track and you just never know what might happen.
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Amen! When people reckon up what the costs of childcare are when both parents work, they only look at the immediate out-of-pocket and appear to never think about the consequences of one person being out of work for an extended period. Should the stay-at-home parent decide to go back to work when the kids are all in school, they are years behind in experience and salary; if the unthoughtof happens, which is never unthinkable, the surviving stay-at-home parent is really up the creek. Seldom do both parents have sufficient life insurance, never mind enough disability insurance, and when the stay-at-home parent dies or becomes disabled, the costs to pay for the work that they did can be staggering.
I really wish people would look at worst-case scenarios when they make decisions, and look decades down the road as well.
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>>When you step out of your career for years at a time it is very difficult to get back on track and you just never know what might happen.<<
I can't agree more.
My mom insisted that I get some type of professional creditials (I was one of those 'perpetual student' types in my 20s LOL). She said "You MUST be able to support yourself and your children – come what may." And when my husband became disabled and especially when I was widowed in my 40s with a child still in high school, boy was I glad I listened.
There was minimal life insurance (compared to what the experts say you should have). Luckily, I was able to handle my late husband's final expenses and medical bills from the little that there was.
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Ah… had to chime in on this one too… was married for 27 years and walked out with 65% of the debt load. Deliberately–my decision, not his. He kept making my car payments, as his name was on it, and he was pretty sure I’d tank, and he didn’t want his credit ruined. He was wrong. Remarried to a man who was struggling under $60K of debt that his wife left him in, while she got off scott-free, with alimony that we’re still paying–so I understand both sides of the equation. And your view is narrow, Doug. Not just the guys get screwed in a divorce.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I think I am one of the rare women who really got the shaft financially after divorce. We didn’t have kids which was a blessing because he would not have made a good co-parent as abusive as he was. I was the breadwinner so ironically he made out ahead during and after the marriage, especially with the debt that he accumulated during the marriage that I was responsible for after.
Legally I didn’t get good advice when it came to splitting the debt, taxes, etc. For any young person going though this, make sure you do your homework before taking action. I didn’t have any outside support (friends or family) and I so wanted to be done ASAP and really screwed myself in the long run.
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Good for you. It is a very inspiring story for all of us. I really like your first bullet in budgeting from the very beginning since budgeting is what I believe is the most important part of managing your finances. Good luck in getting all your debt paid off.
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I like this article. It makes people hopeful. I hear about how hard it is for people to get back on their feet financially after a divorce. Thanks for sharing. I’m going to tweet this post.:0)
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Gina, great story with many good points that all of us can put into practice. Thanks for sharing and congratulations on prioritizing your life and goals.
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Thanks for sharing your story
Your story just goes to show that it is possible to be in a better place financially after divorce. (I had a similar experience, so I’m right there with you.)
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Doug, why are you assuming she got any money?
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Oops, wrong place! Ignore…
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Kate
Here in Ireland a child continues to receive child support until the age of 23 providing they are still in full time education. In my case it is I who have assumed the burden of the costs with my sons third level education. He is 18.
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I congratulate Gina on making all the right moves to recover financially from a divorce, but I feel like there’s a lot of information missing in this post. Gina said she looked around at where she was financially and “panicked,” but where WAS that exactly? It sounds like she’s had stable employment throughout, and if there were children I’m guessing she would have mentioned them. Why were certain financial choices “not possible before?” Her financial recovery is great no matter what the circumstances, but in this case a few specifics really would help.
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This is a great article from the heart that so many women can relate to. I too rebuild my finances and although it wasn’t envelopes it was tea cups in my cupboard. The simplest strategies are sometimes the best. Congratulations for taking a tough experience and pulling out the silver lining!
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Gina, it could have been so easy for you to go in the other direction, to let your finances fall into total disrepair on the heels of your “unexpected” divorce.
But that’s obviously not the path you chose, and now look at you. Bravo.
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I don’t understand Alimony or Palimony in this day and age UNLESS there was major time off work (more than 1 year) to look after children.
Child support for sure makes sense.
But Alimony belongs in the 1960s, baring the exception I noted. A marriage is about 2 equals, not one person supporting the other any more. If I choose to put a spouse through school and they later divorce me, I am not entitled to their earnings. I chose to put them through school because I loved them and wanted them to succeed a the time. It wasn’t an investment for guaranteed returns.
Ugh. Sorry to rant.
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However Adam, a woman often falls behind with her career plans as it is usually her who stays at home/takes a career break/works part time rather than the man. I appreciate that this is not always the case and very very occasionally a man takes the role as ‘house husband’ but generally it is the woman who assumes this role, so why should she not be compensated in these cases?
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What an interesting topic for GRS — thank you so much for posting your story! Very inspirational and encouraging.
The comments are interesting, too, as they veer off into the territory of the financial aspects of divorce and fairness between the genders and how settlements are handled.
It is not always clear to me whether or not the commenters have personal experience with divorce (either growing up in a divorced family or being divorced themselves, whether or not they have children, etc.). Some of the comments seem harsh.
So, I am twice divorced and I have a few children who are not grown up — that’s my perspective.
I really want to say something about the comments on alimony, stay at home moms, how to fairly split assets, and whether or not dads/men are getting taken advantage of.
First… divorce is awful, regardless of the reasons. It’s very traumatic, even if it is the right thing to do. Each individual case is different.
Tying into that, nobody except the two people getting the divorce *ever* know what the marriage is like. When abuse is involved, that is often hidden from everyone. And it is simply not true, in the case of abuse, that “it takes two.” That’s all I’m going to say about that for now, but just file it away.
In terms of fairness towards a lesser earning spouse (usually the woman), I’ll say that we still have a lot of income inequality going on in this country. Sometimes the woman earns more, but honestly not usually. So, that brings the question — should the income earned/savings accrued during the marriage belong to both partners equally (regardless of who earns it), and then split equally if a divorce occurs? I think so. The courts usually agree, too.
With regard to children and who sacrifices more of their career to care for them — often but not always the woman — here again I would offer that there is value in the work done in the home, for example, keeping the household running and the children taken care of. Whether or not you think women “should” work (for pay) or have a right to work/have a career, it is still very true that many families with children have one spouse (more often the woman but not always) do more of the household work. And that work has value.
Regarding children… they are expensive. And a time burden, as well. One child is expensive and a time burden. Multiply that by 3, and the couple may really question whether or not it is a better idea to put them all in daycare so that both spouses may work, or have one of the spouses stay home with them. That is the choice we faced, and how I became a stay at home mom. my salary would have been entirely eaten up by childcare costs and we both felt that the children were better off anyhow being cared for by one of the parents. And then I got a divorce. So, I got some alimony. My career had been severely impacted during the time I was home with the children. I needed some time to get back on my feet — and at the same time, after the divorce, I *still* had primary responsibility for the children. They still impact my career. My ex-husband has been able to pursue his career unencumbered by any childcare costs or time burdens whatsoever. I don’t think that’s fair at all. But he will grumble to anyone who will listen about all the child support he pays (which does not begin to cover the costs of our kids’ basic needs).
And yes, I have returned to fulltime work, but my salary is 1/4 of his. I doubt I will ever catch up for the years missed, in terms of earning capability.
(he was abusive to me. we needed to divorce.) He is a very nice person to people outside his immediate family. So, yes, he could be one of your friends who complains about the evil ex-wife. Please know that if you have not lived this experience yourself, you do not really know what it is like.
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Eliza – I hope your future is filled with joy.
“I *still* had primary responsibility for the children. They still impact my career. My ex-husband has been able to pursue his career unencumbered by any childcare costs or time burdens whatsoever.”
All I can say is YES! That! Even if you work, someone has to stay home when a child is sick. Someone has to drop the children off at daycare and pick them up. Someone has to make meals, clean house and take care of children on the weekend. That means less time for extra education. Less time for overtime at work or just extra hours to show how awesome you are.
I could go into personal detail, but I won’t.
Sometimes couples split these tasks. But often they fall on the woman’s lap.
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My sister was a stay at home mom for 20 years per agreement with the husband. He worked 16 hour days and wanted his family available when he was home/awake. They have 3 children. With the divorce he pays child support on one child living with her.(One out of the house /one with him.), and alimony for 4 years. She got half the house/property value. She is using this alimony to return to school. She is on a budget. The “House” money is put away accessible in case it takes time to find a job. She traded in the big truck as soon as the divorce was final for something with better mpg. I personally don’t feel bay for the EX. The 22 yo girlfriend was all his idea. He’s now responsible for everything at the house as the girlfriend does nothing. He admits it was a big mistake.
I don’t feel he was taken to the cleaners. What he pays relatively short term. I have seen both sides messed up equally in terms of courts/finances. Unless you have read or witnessed the court/ papers you are only getting one persons story. It doesn’t always take two, but it makes you second guess everything
you might have done.
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Gina,
Sorry to hear it didn’t work out with your ex.
Thanks for a very positive post that didn’t focus on the past or on beating up your ex but instead on the great steps you took to recover from a raw deal.
All the best and happy holidays.
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Another positive real life post! Love it!
Congrats to you!
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Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I are helping out a friend who is going through an unexpected divorce, and I’ll be sure to send your post.
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When I went through a divorce in 2006, we had been married for 5 years. I was the breadwinner and he could rarely hold down a job for more than a few months at a time due to his own personal problems. Fortunately we didn’t have any kids.
He was a career college student (8+ years in college at the time I left him) and took out the max amount of student loans every single year, yet he completely approximately 25% of the classes and withdrew from the other 75% when he started falling behind. He was smart, but suffered from a lack of ambition. What frustrated me the most was the complete disregard of responsibility every time he chose to not go to class or complete homework assignments or tests. There was no connection that we would have to pay back all the student loans for absolutely nothing earned.
Luckily, I did not sign for any of his student loans and I got out of the marriage without much financial damage, maybe $5K in credit cards which I took it upon myself to pay off.
It scares me to think of what sort of financial hole he is in today, but I am so thankful I am not drowning in it with him. He doesn’t even have an associates degree and I would estimate his federal and private loans are approaching what a doctor would have.
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Thanks gina for the post! i see all the comments and dare i say we might need a follow up post to this one about divorce. I too was in a similar situation actually still am because not legally divorced yet. Even though i had a full time job i still panicked because i realized how little i knew about money. Basically all big money decision were his or we made them together. I never had to do things on my own. I agree that not all women get something for the divorce and also to my understanding you need to be married for a number of years to qualify for alimony payments.
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You can learn the financial stuff! It’s intimidating, but you can totally do it. This is a great place to ask questions, but there are a lot of money management books and plans out there, too.
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Gina, good on ya! Thank you for sharing what must have been a painful experience. But at the very least, it was a cathartic one – and you learned a lot about yourself and finances. You did very well!
I was financially leveled at age 35 when I divorced a duplicitous spendthrift. He had hidden credit card debt and owed the IRS many years of back taxes. During the divorce I discovered a lien on our house. I had to negotiate with the IRS (I was able to amend 3 years worth of returns & file separately on others – I got thousands in refunds), I had to negotiate and pay down the hidden credit card debt (he put my name on the cards too, how kind of him), and during this time I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, had to have surgery, and started a new job. Did I mention a young illegitimate child of his that appeared as well? It was, frankly, the year from hell.
I had to suspend retirement savings while I cleaned up his mess, was on the phone for hours every week getting the finances and debt all straighened out. But within one year after the divorce was finalized, I purchased my very own home. 15 years later, I purchased a home on 4 acres and that first house is a rental, I max out my retirement and Roth accounts, and I am doing very well at that company I started at back then. My health is great!
I, too, learned a lot about myself and about finances. It’s amazing what you can do when you absolutely must. Go, Gina, go!
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Hi Everyone, I enjoyed reading the comments, I thought I’d chime in with some specifics:
We were together 15 years, married 13 1/2.
When we split, we were both making the same amount of $. I was doing his books (he’s an independent contractor) so I knew what was going on with the household and his business. Hindsight being 20/20, it was perfect that we were making the same amount of $. No alimony involved in our divorce.
I gave him some money so I could keep the house. Part of that was emotional / psychological — I didn’t want to lose everything all at once. Then the housing market tanked. So I’ve gotten to the point where I acknowledge my level of responsibility in the mortgage debt. I just wish I could refi and get these really good rates. I will check in to the HARP program per those earlier comments.
No kids so no child support. It was hard what I went thru without kids so I can’t imagine how much harder it would be with kids. Really tough stuff.
I have been employed consistently since 1997 when I graduated from college.
My ex wasn’t abusive, and I gave him a fair divorce. I am grateful for the folks in my life who told me to take the ‘high road’ in the divorce — it’s paid off these years later.
As a final comment, it looks like I’ll have 5 months mortgage in the bank as a New Years present!
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