I can't agree more.

My mom insisted that I get some type of professional creditials (I was one of those 'perpetual student' types in my 20s LOL). She said "You MUST be able to support yourself and your children – come what may." And when my husband became disabled and especially when I was widowed in my 40s with a child still in high school, boy was I glad I listened.

There was minimal life insurance (compared to what the experts say you should have). Luckily, I was able to handle my late husband's final expenses and medical bills from the little that there was.

I really wish people would look at worst-case scenarios when they make decisions, and look decades down the road as well.

We were together 15 years, married 13 1/2.

When we split, we were both making the same amount of $. I was doing his books (he’s an independent contractor) so I knew what was going on with the household and his business. Hindsight being 20/20, it was perfect that we were making the same amount of $. No alimony involved in our divorce.

I gave him some money so I could keep the house. Part of that was emotional / psychological — I didn’t want to lose everything all at once. Then the housing market tanked. So I’ve gotten to the point where I acknowledge my level of responsibility in the mortgage debt. I just wish I could refi and get these really good rates. I will check in to the HARP program per those earlier comments.

No kids so no child support. It was hard what I went thru without kids so I can’t imagine how much harder it would be with kids. Really tough stuff.

I have been employed consistently since 1997 when I graduated from college.

My ex wasn’t abusive, and I gave him a fair divorce. I am grateful for the folks in my life who told me to take the ‘high road’ in the divorce — it’s paid off these years later.

As a final comment, it looks like I’ll have 5 months mortgage in the bank as a New Years present!

In most states, spouses are not responsible for alimony, either temp or permanent, until after many years of marriage. In Florida you have to be married 7 years to get even temp alimony and it, of course, works both ways, if the woman earns more or has greater assets they will pay out to the male spouse. Permanent alimony is very rare and often requires both a long term marriage and a spouse that stayed at home for many years.

As a woman, I think married folks, both men and women, should be very cautious about giving up a career to stay at home. Divorce is not the only reason, I’ve had women friends whose husbands had very serious illnesses, death, long term unemployment, etc. When you step out of your career for years at a time it is very difficult to get back on track and you just never know what might happen.

I was financially leveled at age 35 when I divorced a duplicitous spendthrift. He had hidden credit card debt and owed the IRS many years of back taxes. During the divorce I discovered a lien on our house. I had to negotiate with the IRS (I was able to amend 3 years worth of returns & file separately on others – I got thousands in refunds), I had to negotiate and pay down the hidden credit card debt (he put my name on the cards too, how kind of him), and during this time I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, had to have surgery, and started a new job. Did I mention a young illegitimate child of his that appeared as well? It was, frankly, the year from hell.

I had to suspend retirement savings while I cleaned up his mess, was on the phone for hours every week getting the finances and debt all straighened out. But within one year after the divorce was finalized, I purchased my very own home. 15 years later, I purchased a home on 4 acres and that first house is a rental, I max out my retirement and Roth accounts, and I am doing very well at that company I started at back then. My health is great!

I, too, learned a lot about myself and about finances. It’s amazing what you can do when you absolutely must. Go, Gina, go!

He was a career college student (8+ years in college at the time I left him) and took out the max amount of student loans every single year, yet he completely approximately 25% of the classes and withdrew from the other 75% when he started falling behind. He was smart, but suffered from a lack of ambition. What frustrated me the most was the complete disregard of responsibility every time he chose to not go to class or complete homework assignments or tests. There was no connection that we would have to pay back all the student loans for absolutely nothing earned.

Luckily, I did not sign for any of his student loans and I got out of the marriage without much financial damage, maybe $5K in credit cards which I took it upon myself to pay off.

It scares me to think of what sort of financial hole he is in today, but I am so thankful I am not drowning in it with him. He doesn’t even have an associates degree and I would estimate his federal and private loans are approaching what a doctor would have.

“I *still* had primary responsibility for the children. They still impact my career. My ex-husband has been able to pursue his career unencumbered by any childcare costs or time burdens whatsoever.”

All I can say is YES! That! Even if you work, someone has to stay home when a child is sick. Someone has to drop the children off at daycare and pick them up. Someone has to make meals, clean house and take care of children on the weekend. That means less time for extra education. Less time for overtime at work or just extra hours to show how awesome you are.

I could go into personal detail, but I won’t.

Sometimes couples split these tasks. But often they fall on the woman’s lap.

The comments are interesting, too, as they veer off into the territory of the financial aspects of divorce and fairness between the genders and how settlements are handled.

It is not always clear to me whether or not the commenters have personal experience with divorce (either growing up in a divorced family or being divorced themselves, whether or not they have children, etc.). Some of the comments seem harsh.

So, I am twice divorced and I have a few children who are not grown up — that’s my perspective.

I really want to say something about the comments on alimony, stay at home moms, how to fairly split assets, and whether or not dads/men are getting taken advantage of.

First… divorce is awful, regardless of the reasons. It’s very traumatic, even if it is the right thing to do. Each individual case is different.

Tying into that, nobody except the two people getting the divorce *ever* know what the marriage is like. When abuse is involved, that is often hidden from everyone. And it is simply not true, in the case of abuse, that “it takes two.” That’s all I’m going to say about that for now, but just file it away.

In terms of fairness towards a lesser earning spouse (usually the woman), I’ll say that we still have a lot of income inequality going on in this country. Sometimes the woman earns more, but honestly not usually. So, that brings the question — should the income earned/savings accrued during the marriage belong to both partners equally (regardless of who earns it), and then split equally if a divorce occurs? I think so. The courts usually agree, too.

With regard to children and who sacrifices more of their career to care for them — often but not always the woman — here again I would offer that there is value in the work done in the home, for example, keeping the household running and the children taken care of. Whether or not you think women “should” work (for pay) or have a right to work/have a career, it is still very true that many families with children have one spouse (more often the woman but not always) do more of the household work. And that work has value.

Regarding children… they are expensive. And a time burden, as well. One child is expensive and a time burden. Multiply that by 3, and the couple may really question whether or not it is a better idea to put them all in daycare so that both spouses may work, or have one of the spouses stay home with them. That is the choice we faced, and how I became a stay at home mom. my salary would have been entirely eaten up by childcare costs and we both felt that the children were better off anyhow being cared for by one of the parents. And then I got a divorce. So, I got some alimony. My career had been severely impacted during the time I was home with the children. I needed some time to get back on my feet — and at the same time, after the divorce, I *still* had primary responsibility for the children. They still impact my career. My ex-husband has been able to pursue his career unencumbered by any childcare costs or time burdens whatsoever. I don’t think that’s fair at all. But he will grumble to anyone who will listen about all the child support he pays (which does not begin to cover the costs of our kids’ basic needs).

And yes, I have returned to fulltime work, but my salary is 1/4 of his. I doubt I will ever catch up for the years missed, in terms of earning capability.

(he was abusive to me. we needed to divorce.) He is a very nice person to people outside his immediate family. So, yes, he could be one of your friends who complains about the evil ex-wife. Please know that if you have not lived this experience yourself, you do not really know what it is like.

Child support for sure makes sense.

But Alimony belongs in the 1960s, baring the exception I noted. A marriage is about 2 equals, not one person supporting the other any more. If I choose to put a spouse through school and they later divorce me, I am not entitled to their earnings. I chose to put them through school because I loved them and wanted them to succeed a the time. It wasn’t an investment for guaranteed returns.

Ugh. Sorry to rant.

Also, check rental rates in your area – would renting out your home allow you to downsize? Example: say your home could rent for $1,200/month, but you would be happy living in a 1BR rental for $800/mo – you could be $400 ahead each month.

This would make the most sense if your home is much larger than you could get by in, and/or if apt rental rates are low relative to property values in your area or house rental prices are high relative to apt rental prices (every market is different!).

A few caveats:
1-make sure this wouldn’t mess up your divorce agreement (is living in the home a requirement in any way?)
2-Check your mortgage before doing so – some allow you to rent out your home after x years of your being an owner-occupant, but some don’t allow you to rent out the home at all as long as the mortgage is in place.
3-Also compare utility rates carefully (you would want a renter to be 100% responsible for those) – if your home is more energy efficient than an apt, your costs could go up and that would be bad.
4-if you could rent your home furnished, you might get more rent and avoid most moving costs but you would have to find furniture; if you are moving all your ‘stuff’ that could be a big cost and/or hassle.
5-you would want to change your home owner’s insurance from owner occupied to a landlord policy, which is usually more expensive, and you will also want renter’s insurance…

Yet, according to her, I don’t seem to understand the plight of the single mother. Am I incorrect that she also doesn’t really know what it’s like to be a true single mom with all that entails financially? Or am I being hard on her?

Of course Donna is right that there are as many situations as there are divorces. Most single women struggle. But you do hear the nightmare stories of men being taken for a ride. And this is not just an upper class or upper middle class problem. We have a friend who is a welder, and he speaks of how half of his co-workers are financially beholden to women for alimony (NOT child support) for decades after.

My ex currently complains that I “took all his savings” in our divorce 5 yrs ago, when all that happened is that our assets were divided in half. Perception is key, I guess, but splitting the assets in half seems fair to me.

While we were married we lived on my salary and he saved 100% of his salary. No I don’t get alimony, I’ve never been a SAHM, we have 2 kids, we have similar careers and salaries, and yes he pays child support which he bitterly resents also.

If the woman was a SAHM and gave up a career for 20 years to take care of the kids, I think it is fair to compensate for that too.

But that’s obviously not the path you chose, and now look at you. Bravo.