If you’re like me, you’re still not finished with your Christmas shopping. It’s true that Kris and I are big believers in home-made gifts, and it’s also true that my family only exchanges inexpensive Christmas presents, but there are still a handful of gifts I like to shop for. And every year, I put this shopping off until the last minute.
Part of the problem is that I want to find the perfect thing for each person. Yes, I know that the perfect is the enemy of the good, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. I’m a maximizer. I want only the best for the people on my list.
According to John Tierney at the New York Times, however, maybe I’m putting too much thought into this. Citing research from Stanford University, Tierney says there are three rules for holiday shopping:
- You don’t have to spend any time looking for “thoughtful” gifts.
- You don’t have to spend much money, either.
- Actually, you may not have to spend any money.
Here’s a quote from the article:
“Our research shows that while gift-givers think they’re being more thoughtful by picking out expensive gifts, the recipients don’t appreciate the hefty price tag,” Dr. Flynn [from Stanford] said. His experiments have shown that the price of a gift matters more to the giver than to the recipient, and that people like a surprise gift less than cash or something they picked themselves through a gift registry like Amazon’s wish list.
According to the research, the time and money we put into finding the perfect gift does matter to us, the giver. But that’s because we’re ego-centric. In reality, the recipients have no idea how much time we spent shopping, and they don’t know whether we thought about buying them something cheaper — or more expensive.
If you want to have the best of both worlds, choose a gift from a wish list. Then you know you’re getting something the recipient actually wants and you’re able to satisfy your own need to spend time finding the perfect thing. (Plus you’re able to stick to your budget.) And if you want to go all the way? The research suggests it’s okay to re-gift things, thus saving time and money. (But I’ve never really found this possible. I mean, how often do you receive something that seems appropriate to pass on to somebody else?)
As for me? Well, I’m not going to be so methodical. I’m going to head out to a couple of Portland’s quaint little shopping districts (not the mall) to see if I can’t find the perfect gifts for those on my lists. And if I’m smart, I’ll do it today instead of Friday. Wish me luck!
[The New York Times: Aiming for the perfect gift? It's much closer than you think.]
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Just an administrative note: Now that we have a new editorial process at GRS — meaning April is handling half the workload — I’m hoping to do more posts like this. When the site was younger, I used to do one of these “afternoon posts” every day. I can’t promise that, but I think it’d be fun to do a couple per week now. What do you think?
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Nice post, but since I read 95% of GRS via email subscriptions I know an overflow of stuff in my indox would make me
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Your post reminds me of my children when they were small and how they enjoyed the box more than gift. You never really know!
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I wish I could find the link, but I keep seeing stories in the news about the best toys for kinds including things like a box, sock, stick and dirt. Sounds simple, but they can be anything.
Experts say that all these expensive gizmos and games aren’t fostering creativity and imagination.
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SEE:
http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2011/01/the-5-best-toys-of-all-time/all/1
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Thanks! I saw it on the news in Canada so I’m not sure if this was the article they were talking about. There are a lot of variations out there but you get the gist
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I sort of want a box to play in. I am 44.
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You can borrow my cube at work!
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We got box rivets for a friend. He always saves a big box “for the kids” when we visit.
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I favor bed forts myself. I am 42.
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Yes, yes, YES!!! One of my daughter’s favorite toys is a battered old box. Things go in it, on it, under it, get dragged around in it; it has been a bathtub, a dolly bed, a table, and more. By now it’s so beat-up and torn that I’m really hoping we are given another decent-sized box for Christmas – regardless of what is actually packed in it!
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The other day we had white elephant gift exchange. Gifts with better packaging were chosen first. Box matters very much!
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My daughter is six. Last year the best gift we bought her was a case of scotch tape. She has used it almost every day since.
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Seems like there’s a new market for JD’s family’s box manufacturing company!
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Hey,
I’ve got a few practical gift ideas. I own and love them all!
http://sunkcostsareirrelevant.com/2011/10/practical-gifts-that-dont-suck/
Good luck with your last minute shopping.
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I don’t know, the quaint shopping district (http://www.visitfolsom.com/history/sutter_strett.aspx) near me has mostly imported stuff nowadays. It is getting harder and harder to find truly local and unique items.
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You can find truly local and original items at your local farmer’s markets and craft fairs. That’s where I try to do a lot of my shopping – I know my mother, MIL and aunt all appreciate those things.
But for the kids it’s a bit different. My nephews are hard to buy for and this year they are getting the envelope with some cash.
As for what to get me – I like the pragmatic stuff, and if they make my life better/easier then I think and appreciate the person who thought to get it for me every time I use them. So yes, my husband has bought me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday, I’ve received dish towels and hot pads. I’d much rather have something useful that I need and use instead of another nicknack sitting on the shelf.
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i was super disappointed, on a recent vacation to a little boutique hotel in the Caribbean, the gift shop was totally 100% imported stuff from china, taiwan, etc. i was looking for a little handmade trinket as a momento, the closest i came to it was a cake knife shaped like a ladies shoe (????????) i got pretty worked up about it, not that i’m mad for handmade things but i can get cheap junk from china at home, y’know?
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This is why the Chinese give “red packets” containing cash, instead of gifts. Lol.
Seriously though, I’ve never appreciated gifts that I didn’t want – and it’s something I struggle with when getting people gifts. I would ask them what they want but they always say “it’s up you, it’s the meaning that counts”.
Then again, I know I am weird when it comes to this.
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I’m the same way–I love cash– the “thought” it conveys to me is “have fun with it!!”. Unwanted gifts are very awkward to receive (“what am I gonna do with this junk now?”). And worst gift ever: clothes. Wait, no– “decorations” for the home are even worse. No– stinky “perfume” candles– the kind that make your nose itch and give you a headache. Eh, the list is endless.
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Bath salts rank above candles for me. And lotions.
Stop giving these things. Everyone hates them.
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This post made me smile. I’m very pragmatic when it comes to gifts — I usually tell people that I want to get them something they’ll enjoy and use so speak up and give me ideas! I also let people know that I won’t be offended if they want to return or exchange something.
I know this strategy won’t work for everyone, but when you’re like me and you only shop for the people closest to you, you can get some great ideas.
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This is such a sore subject with me! The men in my life are especially hard to shop for. For instance, my husband will pretend he likes a shirt I bought him, and then it will “vanish” and he’ll never have worn it. Or my dad, who acts offended by gift cards, will almost sneer when he opens something that I’ve attempted to be creative with — because it’s not “right” in his eyes. I’ve just about given up. The only ones I truly enjoy shopping for are are my mom and daughter.
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Yes please, J.D. I enjoy your columnists (especially Donna Freedman), but I’ve been missing your ‘voice.’ Please start posting more!
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Our “quaint little shopping districts” are a mixure of actual authentic local stuff – and LOTS of touristy imported junk. But I think shopping there is fun – even if I don’t buy anything but a latte and walk around. Especially if the weather is nice. Although I can almost always find something I like at the kitchen store
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Yes! I would love it if the shorter afternoon posts made a more regular appearance!
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Yes, I miss the afternoon posts! I think they are fine in moderation.
As far as gift-giving goes, I’m the type that wants to give the perfect gift that was not on the list to show how “creative” and “thoughtful” I am. Yes, I realize that I’m caring more about my own ego than the persons wants/needs and I’m working on it. Last Christmas was one of my biggest Christmases. I spent too much trying to get a great gift for everyone; and while they enjoyed them it really was too much. This Christmas, I’ve done much better, but still did some creative gifts. I think budgeting and planning ahead are really assets and will do that more next year. Also buying gifts that can be consumed (food gift cards to local places, local-made bath soaps ect.) will help keep down the clutter that exists in many’s lives.
Personally I want people to give to me in the form of charity (charity:water, an animal through World Vision). I didn’t ask for that early enough but next year I’ll make sure to specifically request it. It’s a great way to help others and emphasize the true spirit of giving. Not just buying the biggest/most expensive gift, but doing something that actually matters.
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My mum really piled the pressure on this year. I told her I had no idea what to get her and she replied with “it’s okay, you always get me the best gifts!” EEK! The gift I settled on this year was actually pretty simple, and didn’t take a long time to put together. I bought 2 turquoise glass tumblers (£5 each) and put them together with the spare bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a bottle of tonic water, a lemon with a ribbon round it, and a note saying I’d stolen most of the gift from around the house as there was a snowball’s chance in hell of me going anywhere near a supermarket at this time of year. I hope she likes her gin and tonic kit! I plan to get her a real bottle of gin once the crowds die down, of course.
My brother is getting 2 t-shirts; one he pre-approved and one I chose for him. I think giving presents like this works well because you guarantee that the recipient gets at least one thing they want.
And I agree with everyone here saying that their quaint shopping districts are all selling imported junk. All the markets in London (and a lot of the ones elsewhere) sell exactly the same crap. If I want something unique, I carefully find it on Etsy or make it myself.
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Re-gifting can work, but better with family or close friends.
I have re-gifted books (some of them quite worn), but only when it’s been something that was very important to me and that specific person would appreciate it.
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I re-gift a lot. I frequently get impersonal gifts (like stinky candles, blank journals, and gew-gaws for the house) that I don’t like or want, and I stash them on a shelf to have handy when I need an impersonal hostess type gift. I also don’t drink and people often bring me wine when come for a visit , so I usually bring that to the next house I’m invited to (only if I know they drink). I’ll even re-gift flowers — especially this time of year when there are so many parties happening in rapid succession. I really don’t like bouquets of flowers, so if people bring them to my house, I put them in a vase and pass them along the next day to someone else who will like them.
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Don’t forget the festival of the last minute at Portland’s Saturday Market. I went on Saturday and finished up almost all of my shopping. Lots of neat, handmade, local items there.
My only last present is a gift card (for my cash poor brother who specifically asked for a card to a specific store so he enjoys the gift and doesn’t spend it on bills).
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I think regifting is fine in theory; it just seldom works out in practice. It’s been rare that I’ve been given a gift that’s wrong for me but just perfect for someone else I know. The only thing I can think of in this category is Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts gift cards. I don’t drink coffee, but I have lots of family/friends that do. However, I cannot in good conscience unload the many stinky candles I’ve been given (I’m a teacher) on innocent friends or family members.
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We do the Amazon wish list & most of the family really likes it. I still get a few items not on the lists, but they are not usually as well received no matter how much thought I put into them!
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every year i pray no one checks my amazon wish list. it is such a weird collection of random items i happen upon in the middle of the night. currently it’s a collection of designer barbie shoes that dont fit a barbie, a million dollar heart diamond, $300 noise cancelling headphones i look at whenever construction near my apartment starts up; furniture; a hello kitty calculator and a flying-V style pink glitter ukulele.
on second thought, that would be a pretty rad christmas.
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I like practical or whimsical gifts – I just like gifts. lol My cousin gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received. She put together a bag of smaller gifts, including 2 magnets and 1 keychain from her recent travels. She said she was thinking about me while she vacationed in D.C and Atlanta. It was very sweet.
I also love to shop for gifts and in my family we just provide receipts so people can return what they don’t want. We try to get what people like, but you can’t be right all the time. For this reason, I tend to wait as long as possible to buy. Some stores have ridiculously short return periods (hello Dillards and your 30 day returns), so I don’t want someone to have to rush out to the stores right after Christmas.
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I buy my perfect gifts during travel and during the year. If I come upon something perfect for someone I buy it right then and more often than not send it right then.
Otherwise at holiday time, we don’t buy gifts for the adults in our family, I send checks to the 4 kids that are in my family and my husband and I don’t exchange gifts either. We take a trip which we are doing this year over NYE and we bought concert tickets.
I really do love to give gifts, I just don’t enjoy the forced giving of the holiday time so no hunting for me.
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I wish you had posted this before I did my Christmas shopping!
I am normally pretty frugal, but one area in which I do tend to overspend is gifts. I typically have a set amount in mind to spend on each gift, but then I don’t hesitate to go $10-20 (and sometimes even more) over that to get the “perfect” gift. I actually account for that in my budget, though — I estimate how much I plan to spend on gifts and then budget for about 50% more than that. I feel like giving gifts is a way to show my thoughtfulness and generosity, and people do seem to appreciate it, but probably not any more than they would if I spent a little less.
P.S. What do people mean by “stinky candles”? Are you just talking about scented candles like the ones from Yankee Candle? If so, re-gift them to me! I love scented candles, but I wouldn’t buy them for myself, so it’s nice to receive them as gifts.
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Personally, I HATE receiving cash for Christmas, but I have family members who like it. However, since I don’t like it myself, I never give it. I’ll buy presents off a list if someone wants to tell me exactly what they want, but if I don’t know, I’ll buy what I think they would want (and include the gift receipt with the present). To my knowledge, most of my gifts given have been appreciated, but I don’t mind about those that have been returned.
As for re-gifting, I have done so, but not with close family and friends. Usually I’ll do so for others who I feel the need to give a present to but don’t feel the need to spend any money on. So this year, my husband received a bottle of wine from a co-worker, which we don’t drink, so we are re-gifting it at a Christmas party coming up to someone we know enjoys wine. It’s perfect!
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Every year it’s the same thing: gift-giving turns into a tremendous chore. Expensive gifts, frugal gifts, whimsical gifts, tech gifts, personal gifts, corporate gifts, cash gifts, gift cards, on and on and on.
Since most people seem to hate both the gifts they receive and the process of buying gifts for others, why don’t we just get rid of this whole enormous ball of ( fill in appropriate unpleasant noun here)??
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Because having an honest, intimate conversation about something as emotionally charged as Christmas gifts scares everyone?
My partner literally breaks out in a cold sweat at the prospect of making any changes to his mother’s beloved Christmas tradition, so we will never ever get to have our own family Christmas tradition. We used to fight over it every year, til I gave up.
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My guess is that it’s not the WHOLE group that hates this. Just most of the people. The people who love the gifts and shopping and wrapping are usually the ones who balk at any change and make a fuss.
It is very hard to get other people to understand when you want to deviate from the family norm. Even if it is a tradition you didn’t start and makes no sense for you or your life. We only give to kids, so xmas is pretty easy in our house. But I see it with friends.
My family was angry and mystified when I failed to send out invitations for my son’s second birthday. We settled on having a nice quiet day at home doing things I thought HE would like instead of hauling all over hell’s half acre to see everyone. (No one liked it when we had his 1st birthday party at our more distant home and I was not spending money on a party so my family could complain to me about EVERYTHING.)
Family just couldn’t understand why it was important for me to keep him home and have a family dinner with a homemade cake.
Instead I caved and let my parents and in laws bully me into giving him two parties at their homes. I told them both, next year I will NOT be caving.
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Yeah, it’s hard to make ANY changes to family patterns, and the worst ones are the hardest to change, because they have the most anxiety around them.
It’s also hard for people to imagine things being different; my partner can’t remember from year to year that his Christmas traditions are my irritating and not nostalgic deviations from tradition. It’s hard for my partner’s family, who all live within 20 miles of each other in a metro area I have never lived in, to even remember that I don’t know my way around their city. Nobody will write down directions for me, they want to give them verbally by landmarks I don’t know. I had to get a taxi map book because I couldn’t get them to change their style of “helping”.
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Of course Mr Tierney’s method falls flat on its face if you happen to be friends with someone like me. Although the article says you don’t have to spend any time looking for thoughtful gifts because the recipient won’t know, I think that’s (in the nicest way possible!) rubbish. Recently one friend gave me a limited-edition nail varnish and a fine brush, because I love nail art; another gave me a strawberry bubblebath and scented body lotion gift set, though I don’t own a bath, I have excema and I hate strawberry. Both gifts from the same shop, same amount of money. You bet your bottom dollar I feel differently towards the donors.
As for lists/registries… are they common? I’ve never met anyone over the age of 16 who still writes one. Most adults I know view them with suspicion – “if you don’t know enough about me to find a single item you think I’d enjoy, why am I even friends with you?”
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The extended family that will not give up the gift tradition demands very specific lists from us. If we don’t get them out in a timely manner, they nag. If we’re not consumerist enough (such as asking for charitable donations) they buy random stuff they happen to see.
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Yeah, I have to agree, gifts can often be an affirmation of friendship and love. It can be really reassuring, and moving, to be reminded of how well someone knows you.
I think that side of things gets forgotten in the Christmas rush, but I still really appreciate it when I get a gift just right for *me*, and I try to do the same for others when possible.
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I’ll use cash, but I do tend to think the giver was lazy and saw the gift as a mere obligation. I also somewhat angst over cash gifts when I get them. How much should I save? How much should I have fun with? I’d love it if the giver would at least give me some instructions with the gift. “Go out to eat.” “Buy yourself some new clothes; you’ve been complaining.”
I don’t mind gifts from my wishlist, but really, the gifts that have touched me most have cost little but have really been big on thought. Last year I was struggling with depression, and my sister made a bunch of uplifting notes and put them in a beautiful box with instructions for me to read one when feeling down. I loved it. It was my favorite present that Christmas. A friend has given me homemade chocolate raspberry jam (a favorite flavor combination of mine) — sheer joy! My husband once got a copy of a favorite childhood cartoon of mine and made me breakfast on the morning of our anniversary and then popped the disk into the TV and we watched the cartoon together and ate breakfast. Best anniversary ever. You don’t hit a homerun every time with anyone, but if you really know someone, I think thoughtful, inexpensive gifts are the ones that will be remembered years after they’ve been given.
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How can you not take a hint. My brother in law tells me his daughter “squeals” when she gets her Guess gift card. So she gets the gift card and buys her shorts for the summer. She can wait months to use it online to get what she wants. Her brother is paying for trade school and working so he get cash.
My kids are easy, because I see them regularly on Sunday and when they see something in the ads, I keep my eyes posted and ears open.
The problem is if hubby sees what he wants, he buys it. So I ask him to wait, so it can be purchased by someone else and put under the tree.
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I’ll never forget the TWO occasions on which my in-laws gave me (pierced) earrings. My ears are not pierced.
The perfect gift is one that is *observant.*
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I get earrings all the time. I’m allergic. Large swollen red earlobes are so last season.
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My extended family no longer exchanges gifts, which is great. I have two sisters, two brothers in law, two parents, and 4 nieces under the age of 11. With all of the kids and the in-laws it was getting expensive to buy for everyone, so now we buy for all the kids, and exchange names among the adults, with a $50 spending limit. Lists are expected (demanded, really), and gift receipts are always included and nobody begrudges exchanges. Even better, our exchange takes place on New Year’s weekend (we all live in 3 different states), so we can buy our gifts when everything is deeply discounted after Christmas. We’re a pretty pragmatic bunch.
We have avoided a lot of hard feelings since this system was implemented. I’m ready to move on to not exchanging amongst the adults at all, but my youngest sister still wants to do it so we’re doing it. Eventually I do foresee that the adults will no longer exchange gifts, but I’m fine with the system we have now until then.
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On the topic of re-gifting, sometimes you can use that as a way to help out someone else.
My mom received a large kitchen appliance as a gift. She only used it once or twice, and then it went into storage. For her, a smaller model that would fit in her kitchen would be better, or she could live without it.
I noticed it in storage, and asked if I could give it to some friends, who I knew would want and use it, but who couldn’t afford it. At first my mom was reluctant to give it up, worrying that the original purchaser would find out and be upset, but eventually she agreed. In the end, my friends used it almost every day, and my mom had more space to store things she wanted and used.
My point: if you see a gift someone isn’t using, that you, or someone you know, could put to more use, see if you can’t facilitate a trade or re-gifting. It might benefit both parties.
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I would toally take a used Kitchen Aid mixer.
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