This is a guest post from Natalie Peace of PeaceAndProfit.com. She is the author of 30 Keys to Building a Multi-Million Dollar Business: What They Didn’t Teach Me in Business School. Natalie is an entrepreneur, business coach, and she’s currently writing a book on how to start a wildly successful business.
Looking at the businesses I’ve built, managed, and sold (worth $2 million) by the age of 30, I’ve been reflecting lately on what set the foundation for my achievements so that I can help others experience financial security and abundance. I believe my success is the result of an unusual childhood, and a few unique things my parents did to set me up for success.
1. Give incentive to learn from the masters
My father actually paid me $2 to listen to each chapter of an audiobook and then summarize the main points in my own words, so I wound up listening to dozens of audiobooks throughout my childhood. (I didn’t get paid for chores as they were simply expected of me.) The trick was that he would choose books on management, wealth building, and personal growth.
I was four years old when he started this, and as a result I became fascinated with human potential and manifesting wealth long before I was even old enough to have a paper route or babysitting job. All this knowledge seeped into my young, fertile brain and shaped my subconscious, priming me to be a confident entrepreneur and manager. People often tell me about great, classic books they read by people like Napoleon Hill, Og Mandino, Denis Waitley, and Zig Ziglar and I smile, fondly recalling my experience listening to those masters.
2. Encourage questions
Both of my parents went out of their way to make sure I felt heard, understood and valued. They would explain to me what was interesting and important about anything I was saying and would then expand on the topic with their own knowledge. And they were always willing to answer the million “why” questions I asked, with real answers. They never responded “because I said so.
3. Provide unconditional love
Researcher Brené Brown talks about the concept of teaching children that they are worthy of love and belonging, rather than telling them they’re perfect. This is a big distinction, and I believe I’m a good example of why this works. There will be days when the world is going to chew you up and spit you out. People are going to laugh at you and call you names, and they will reject you and your ideas. Knowing all of this will happen to your child and insisting that they are perfect no matter what will not help them.
No one is perfect. We don’t need to be! Instead, we can learn to hear feedback from others through a filter that says we’re completely lovable as we are. If we know for certain we are lovable regardless of what people do or say to us, we can then hear criticism and search it objectively for meaningful clues on how we can improve. My mom has always shown me a great deal of love and affection, and it’s certainly one of the biggest secrets of my success.
4. Show the importance of a strong work ethic
When I was a teenager, Dad had me mowing his yard, which was a sprawling acreage back then. Of course I had more fun things to do than household chores, so I got it done as quickly as possible. One day when I had finished, he thanked me and told me he wanted to tell the neighbors about my mowing skills, so they would hire me to do their yards as well.
The prospect of making cash appealed to me, so I was all ears. My dad then said, “Let’s take a look at the yard now. Are you happy with how it looks? Would you sign your name to this job, proudly telling people you did it?” As I surveyed my hasty mowing efforts, it was plain to see that I had left behind several tufts and swatches of grass. I realized that no one who’d seen this would hire me to take care of their yard. My dad could have yelled at me for being lazy, but he chose instead to demonstrate the benefit of a solid work ethic.
5. Teach kids to be powerful
I was not allowed to indulge myself in negative self-talk. I was shown how to cancel negative beliefs (like “I can’t do this”), and replace them with positive ones, focusing on the desired outcome. I started doing visualization exercises and focusing on goal-setting at the age of five, beginning with small goals like teaching my dog how to sit and saving up to buy a bike. When I had success achieving these goals, it gave me the confidence to reach for bigger things, with the belief that I would attain them.
I was encouraged to set goals in all areas of my life — when I was six, I wanted the training wheels off my bike and knew it would take practice to get there. When I was 12, I set a goal to take a babysitting course so I could earn money. When I was 13, I set a goal of being a really good friend.
You can help your kids set goals in areas they’re genuinely interested in, as well as set goals they would probably achieve anyway (like passing second grade). Get them to write down these goals somewhere they’ll see them every day, and check them off when they’re complete. When I did this as a kid, it gave me enormous satisfaction. (It still does today!)
As a result of a somewhat unique upbringing — thank you, Mom and Dad! — I don’t have a fear of success, and I know that creating abundant wealth is possible. What other unusual and effective parenting methods have you used or observed to set kids up for success? Share them in the comments!
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great article, especially #1…I will have to try it
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If audiobooks get long or stale, try TED talks.
Online lectures from experts on any subject from education to science. They’re only 3-18 mins long. Watch them with your kid, because they’re quite interesting.
http://www.ted.com/
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If the author was able to listen to an audio book and summarize the main points by age four, I think there was a pretty high likelihood of her being a success.
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Very interesting. It was an eye-operner. I have a very intelligent 4 year old daughter and have every intention to try out some of the tactics. Thanks for sharing your knowledge with the world.
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I would have to add the use of “teachable moments”. It is all those opportunities that arise when you can make a lesson out of a problem, challenge or difficulty. Even an argument over a difference with the child can serve as a teachable moment by showing how to listen, analyze and consider their point of view and then respond accordingly.
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It sounds like Natalie’s parents instilled some excellent lessons in her, but I have to give a side-eye to parents making their 4 or 5 year old listen to “life coaches.” And though her parents’ lessons seem geared to the importance of working hard and feeling confident (and not just wealth-building), I worry about what happens when we turn kids into little businessmen and businesswomen.
An older friend was recently telling me about his daughter who had just graduated from college and was moving across the country for a job. I asked how both he and his daughter felt about it, since she had never lived very far from home. He said, “Oh, she’ll be great. We’ve always taught her to be independent.” But then he quickly corrected himself and said, “I mean, we always taught her to be INTERDEPENDENT, to know that she was a part of a community, and that she had people that relied on her and she could rely on other people too.” Teaching kids how to be part of a community (a skill many of us seem to have forgotten), that they are not just independent actors but interdependent actors, is what I’m trying to pass down to my own two little monkeys.
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Agreed. “Let your child be a child” seems conspicuously absent from the list. I’m extremely put off by the idea of having a four-year-old listen to wealth-building audiobooks.
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Treating children like children fosters dependence.
My parents never a took “let a child be a child” attitude. But they never talked down to me, would reason with me like an adult, and had the patience to explain when I didn’t understand or had the endless “why” questions. As a child, I might have been precocious and put off a few people for it, but my parents’ philosophy fostered a desire for independence and maturity in me. At 22, I had a professional job, college degree, no debt, and retirement savings, while most of my friends were living in their parent’s basements.
Natalie’s parents wanted a mature self-supporting person. The idea with the audiobooks seems a little odd, but my parents only listened to classical music or NPR in car. Plenty of people think that’s weird too, but my passion in learning and current events must have come from somewhere.
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Allowing children to live as children is not the same as constantly coddling and sheltering them, talking down to them, not giving the opportunity to challenge themselves and fail, doing all their thinking for them. A four-year-old should be outside playing, preferably with other kids, getting dirty, learning to read age appropriate books; not being paid two bucks a chapter to listen to tax loopholes and paeans on the entrepreneurial spirit.
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“Treating children like children fosters dependence. ”
Ummmm… Children are the quintessential example of dependents. I claim my child as a dependent on my taxes.
Children should be treated like children. It’s what they are.
” At 22, I had a professional job, college degree, no debt, and retirement savings, while most of my friends were living in their parent’s basements.”
Yes, yes your parents were perfect as seen by your perfection. I have many many friends whose parents were perfect. I’m sure they will be perfect parents too.
IMO imperfect parent knows she has room to improve as a person and a parent. I love my kid, but I think he’s about 90% himself and about 10% parented. The 10% is the part that doesn’t bite people and takes his boots off when we come indoors. I even doubt he got much of my genetic material. He is who he is. It’s my job not to screw him up too badly and to teach him a few manners along the way.
The only truly perfect parents live in the imaginations of people who have not yet had children.
BTW answering a million “why” question is not treating a child like and adult. Adults don’t ask a million why questions. That’s something children do. Responding politely and with interest to your child’s developmental stages isn’t the same as treating a child like an adult.
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“A four-year-old should be outside playing, preferably with other kids, getting dirty, learning to read age appropriate books; not being paid two bucks a chapter to listen to tax loopholes and paeans on the entrepreneurial spirit.”
Mmm… too bad a 4-year-old’s day is too busy to allow for both free play and structured learning.
My daughter isn’t 4 yet, but when she’s old enough to start listening to and summarizing chapters, I’ll try to remember this trick as a way to challenge her to work on higher-level stuff. In between building mud forts and swinging from trees, of course.
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Angela, I fully agree with your point about community.
However, to your point “I worry about what happens when we turn kids into little businessmen and business women” It’s not about business per se, it’s about empowerment. If we are not taught, and taught well and taught young, to take control of our destiny, other people/businesses will. Everyone on this forum who is in debt and learning how not to be has let various people and institutions exert undue influence/control their financial lives. It’s not a big step from there to many, many other life decisions as well. There are far too many people in the world who do not take responsibility for, or direct action about, their lifestyle; be it diet, health, work, education, relationship, or you name it, not because they don’t care but because they don’t have the confidence and/or skills to do so. The younger we are taught that we have the power and the wherewithal (for the most part – barring tragedy, etc.), control our own lives the better off we all are.
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Nice article.
I used to take my kids with me to Toastmaster meetings. They were about 14 and 11 when I started, and even though they were too young to be members, the club allowed them to give occassional speeches.
They had fun, and it gave them a sense of self confidence when addressing a group of people.
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Agreed! One of the best things my parents did for me and my siblings was encourage us to join them in things they were passionate about. Sometimes it stuck, sometimes it didn’t, but I think we benefited from trying new things.
We were also encouraged to try things in our community that they weren’t involved in — like the choir at church and swimming at the local pool. (Neither of my parents swim for the fun of it.)
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Confidence when speaking is so important! My dad is a minister, and I started doing readings in church when I was 8 or 9. I’ve never been afraid to speak in front of folks. And, frankly, I find it a little silly when people feel nervous about public speaking. Nothing bad is going to happen.
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With all due respect, I’ve been engaged in public speaking all of my life and am still quite nervous about it every time. And because it’s been such a part of my career for decades, people around me think it’s “silly” that speaking in front of a group, no matter how small, would produce such anxiety in me. Regardless of how silly you may think this fear is, I’m certainly in good company – there’s a reason a majority of people list public speaking as their #1 fear, ahead of dying, even.
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Years of violin recitals and then singing in the church band accomplished the same thing for me. No fear of public speaking after that.
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I love the idea of taking a pre-teen to Toastmasters! I would have greatly benefitted from that when I was young, because I was so shy. I might have to do this for my own kids when the time comes.
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Christa I recommend you get your kids involved with your local 4-H club. I started public speaking through my club when I was 8 and continued right through high school. We were never a very formal club and always had a lot of fun, but giving Public Presentations (as they are called) was the best thing I could have done to come out of my shy self. 4-H does all kinds of things that encourage development towards adulthood in a kid-friendly way, but public speaking was the #1 ‘marketable’ skill I got from it. In college I won $1500 dollars from competition! Most money per minute I will ever make in my life!!
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The best I’ve read on the subject is
How Not to Talk to Your Children in New York Times.
The author show the reverse power of praise – that we shouldn’t praise our kids for what they achieve ’cause it will make them fear failing and thus resent trying.
Instead we should encourage them to keep trying, practise, do hard things even though you might fail, show them the example of trying different things to find methods that work etc. I do this with my own children.
My four year old already get’s (some) of this. When he’s succesful in a game he says – “Look mom I’m good at this. I’ve really practised!”
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Having taught high school and university students, I’ve seen what happens when kids go through their formative years being told everything they do is perfect and wonderful.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t build kids’ confidence, but I think we also need to let them fail and teach them how to cope with mistakes. I read an article a few months back about how many people don’t really face criticism and failure until they’re in the workplace and how high schools and universities should make sure they’re better prepared. I also think it’s the parents’ job too!
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So true. I grew up with a variant of this. I was praised for what I did well, then given a small critique on what could be improved. I.e. “You did a really good job getting the stitches even, but next time check to see that the hem is straight before you sew it.” (I did a lot of sewing and “designing” as a kid.)
When I started teaching, I lifted this technique wholesale. People like to be praised. It makes them pay attention and feel good, so they are more likely to attend when I point out areas they could stand to improve. This works well for many people, both kids and adults. Interestingly enough, the one group this doesn’t work well for is kids who are constantly praised just for existing. They don’t pay much attention to the praise, because it’s background, and they don’t know how to handle critique.
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In teacher’s college, they told us to praise three things before offering a critique. I find this strategy works equally well with colleagues
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I’ve often heard this referred to as the “poison sandwich.” You basically start with a compliment, then the critique, and then another compliment. It is very effective, and I used it a lot when critiquing student papers.
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lol! Never heard that term before! It’s practical though — people need to hear what they’re doing right so they can keep doing it.
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My mother did this with me,too, but the lesson that I took away from it was that I was never going to be able to please her, which turned out to be correct. Sometimes just a little bit of straight praise/appreciation can go a long way, even if the giver has to bite her tongue at the time.
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I just read the New York Magazine article, on Kirstine’s suggestion (http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/), and I highly recommend it. It has some very good quantitative results on how praising intelligence leads kids to not try at challenging problems, while praising effort leads kids to work to meet challenges.
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Good points! However, I would advise people be very careful with #1. When you pay your children to do something, you could be sending the message that things aren’t worth doing unless there’s a reward (thereby fostering extrinsic motivation rather than intrinsic.)
I saw this a lot as a teacher. Some kids love the subject matter and that shines through in their work — and some kids just chase the marks. Some kids volunteer because they love it, others only do it because it’s required.
That’s okay — different people are motivated by different things. But I think if you want your kids to be passionate, proactive and curious you can’t pay them to be that way.
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Yes– there’s strong evidence on how giving extrinsic motivation in the form of cash kills intrinsic motivation.
There’s some evidence that when someone is really awful at something (ex. reading), paying them until they have a basic competency in that may increase intrinsic motivation if payments are stopped at that point. But for the most part extrinsic rewards crowd out intrinsic motivation.
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Would love to read some of this research…any specific sources?
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Try this video with Dan Pink: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc
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Also Carol Dweck talks about some of it. If you google intrinsic motivation extrinsic motivation and payment you should get a LOT of hits.
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These are fine ideas, but it seems they were applied a little young. They seem more appropriate for a child in their teens. I wonder if the “fog of childhood” has crept into her memories of growing up. Any parent who has never said “because I said so” has not experienced real parenting. I don’t notice anything about being a parent in her byline.
Don’t take this as a criticism of the poster and not the post. It just seems like the kind of advice often given by non-parents. Absolutes and high ideals with little realism included. It can be discouraging to parents to read this and know that they can’t be wholly achieved.
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Yes. I taught my children to obey first, and ask questions later. You don’t want your child asking, “but why do I have to get out of the street?” when there’s a truck bearing down on them. Or asking “why can’t I go over to John’s house?” in front of John when the answer is “John’s father is an alcoholic and I don’t want you around him.”
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My mom never said “because I said so” because she wanted us to be clear on the reasons why she was saying no and she did this with all five of her children. I have two children and am following in my moms footsteps. I make it a point to explain the why behind my no. They may not agree but at least they know why.
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I tried the explain-everything to our first child, with the idea that I never wanted to be the kind of parent that answered, “Because I said so!” But, experience changed that rather quickly. Not sure how old your children are, but when you present them with reasons why you don’t want them to do something, yet they are wise enough to counter with a logical arguments, you may find yourself pulling out the “because-I-said-so” card. Otherwise, be prepared to have every rule challenged. That may sound wonderful in principle, but it’s rather tiring in practice.
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Huh. We’ve never found it difficult to explain why. Though we’ve only had 5 years to practice. I think it actually makes it easier in the long run because our son trusts that there’s a good reason behind every rule, even if that reason is just, “because in this culture it is polite”. If there isn’t a good reason we can explain then why have the rule?
A little over 5 years ago some article in the NYTimes came out that talked about class differences in things like “Because I said so” and “Because you could get hurt” also making a place baby safe vs. putting a kid in a play-yard.
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@Nicole: Could be the age. It would be interesting to see, as your child gets older and flexes more independence, if this still works for you. It may, and I certainly hope it does. As I said before, I agree with this in principle, just found it difficult to execute in reality. For example, your child may want to walk to the store with his friends and you don’t want him to, so you tell him no. He asks why (looking for an objection to overcome) and you tell him because you’re afraid he might get hurt. He promises to be careful and then provides a convincing argument, complete with statistics that back up his case. So, do you acquiesce and allow him to go, even though you still feel it’s not a good idea? What happens when you’ve run out of arguments and run out of patience and run out of steam? I’m all for throwing out the rules that don’t make sense, but sometimes we want our kids to do what we say, regardless of whether we’re able to articulate or argue why. Otherwise, it’s the inmates running the asylum. Give it a few years and you’ll appreciate the analogy!
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Seriously doubt that. My parents never pulled out the “because” or “I told you so” either. At any age. In your example, if we could make a convincing argument, then good. If we couldn’t, then we couldn’t. The argument is either truly convincing or it isn’t. I may not remember much of life before 5, but I remember it pretty well after 5.
People around here who use the “because” and “I told you so” (or “I’m the parent/adult”) also say that you MUST spank your kids or they will misbehave. That’s also most definitely not true. In fact, kids who are spanked around here seem to behave much less well than kids who aren’t. Possibly because spanking is just another one of those things that makes rules seem arbitrary. There’s no reason not to rebel against arbitrary rules.
With little kids it is easy to break up “why” into a few small categories, “DANGEROUS!!!” “Dirty” “Not polite” “Not nice/could hurt/ow!” Older kids can understand more nuanced reasons and once there is mutual respect you can have real conversations about things. “Because I told you so” is not conducive to respect for older kids. I wouldn’t want you saying that to me as an adult. If my boss said things like that, then I’d quit and find a boss who had reasons behind his or her actions. Why would a thinking reasoning teenager respect that?
Also why wouldn’t I want to *encourage* my children to think about what they do and why so that they have tools make the best decisions when they’re on their own. They’re not always going to be able to call home to ask what to do, so knowing the whys is important. Though I guess “because I said so” parenting could explain a lot of the helicopter kids who can’t think for themselves that I get at the university level.
So no, I reject the, “when you’re older you’ll understand because all experiences are like my experience.” There are plenty of parents who don’t spank and don’t resort to “because I’m the boss of you and don’t want to hear your thoughts on the matter.” Maybe you could try something different and new with your kids– listening to them isn’t a sign of weakness.
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@Nicole: Believe it or not, I can’t argue with anything you said, with the possible exception of how my comments have portrayed me as some iron-fisted disciplinarian; actually, the opposite is true. My peers and extended family members often criticized my parenting as being too loose, for implementing many of the same practices you discuss (which I still agree with, in principle). I raised my children with freedom to discuss ANYTHING with me, in an environment free from corporal punishment, and I always listened to them (and still do). However, once the teen years hit, I was constantly reminded by the outside critics how my lack of spanking and strict rules early on contributed to the rebellious behavior I was receiving. And the constant reminders that bad fruit comes from bad trees, etc. Then, there are other observers who see the love we’ve given and good examples we’ve tried to set for our children and they’re at just as much of a loss as we are as to why they would turn out so different from us. Since I certainly didn’t get the results I was expecting, of course, I’ve questioned my parenting methods over the years, i.e. where did I go wrong? In fact, I’ve lost so much confidence in my parenting that if I had to do it over again, the biggest thing I’d change is the thought of doing it at all.
I guess I was just trying to provide a cautionary tale of how things can go awry, despite our best intentions and efforts. No offense intended, whatsoever.
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Nate you say
Any parent who has never said “because I said so” has not experienced real parenting. I don’t notice anything about being a parent in her byline.
I have been a nanny for fifteen years and a parent for five and I have never said anything along those lines. I wouldn’t say that to my husband, clients, friends etc so why I would talk to my child that way? I would also not want my child to speak to me that way and I believe strongly in setting an example of good behavior is key in having happy and strong children.
Many of the things I say to children instead of “because I say so” comments comes from Non-Violent Communication training. Check it out sometime. It offers good solutions to dealing with the 3-8 Why, Why, Why Why stage and later in the 8-12 It’s not fair stage.
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I sometimes wonder if I’m doing enough to plant the seeds of success with my kids, and articles like this are extremely helpful reminders.
Thanks for sharing, Natalie.
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While there is some good advice in the article as others have stated I worry about shoving a lot of the adult oriented motivational philosophies on kids for a few reasons. First I don’t agree with all these masters since many make you feel that if you aren’t a flurry of manic activity always on the look for ways to make a buck you are somehow a failure. Second I don’t feel that what works for me, or the author, necessarily is going to work for every child. Finally the messages you think you are sending your children are often different than the messages they are receiving, sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways, so the message you think your child is getting from such an author may be far different that what they are taking away.
I tried the authors stunt with the lawn on one of my children (outgrowth of one of Steve Covey’s stories?). Since that child isn’t really motivated by a need to earn money, had no interest in mowing anyone else’s lawn, they felt their performance was more than good enough. The same child has gone through a selected honors program in high school and currently pulled straight A’s first semester in college, but spent less than twenty dollars a week while at school because in their words they “don’t need a lot of stuff”. How much of this can I honestly take credit for? How many families have siblings who are vastly different from one another in achievement and life outlooks yet raised under the same roof with the same expectations?
Of the above points I’d push 2, 3, and 4. Encourage, Love, and Demonstrate.
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I so agree that siblings raised exactly the same can turn out so different. The author doesn’t mention any siblings so we can’t know how another child would have turned out with those same actions. Also, I read books such as the Ralph Moody series “Little Britches” to our boys and stopped frequently to talk about what Ralph was learning from his experiences. The great thing about that series is you get to see his growth from an eight year old to early twenties and see some outcomes in his life. Great stories of perseverance, self-discipline, and hard work.
Thank you, Natalie, for sharing what worked in your life. We can glean from it and try new things in our own.
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This SOOOO spot on. Every kid and every human is different. Or at least there are dozens of different “types” of us. While I enjoyed this article, it is simply one input. Much more important are my own skills at reading/knowing/understanding my kids and tailoring communication that works for them.
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I read a study recently that said it’s better to encourage and praise kids for “trying,” vs telling them that they’re smart. I guess the kids who had parents who repeatedly told them that they’re smart have a harder time bouncing back when something goes wrong. Trying is what’s important, not how smart you are. I look back and that’s what my parents did for me, they could care less about grades and how well I did, they just wanted me to try. I think there’s a big difference between how I handle things and how my friends handle things, who are undoubtedly “smarter” than I am. It’s interesting, I really think congratulating kids for trying encourages them to try new things and be less afraid of failure because it’s not really failure, it’s just it didn’t go exactly as planned. Enjoyed your post. I don’t have kids so not sure how I have all sorts of opinions on this
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“How many families have siblings who are vastly different from one another in achievement and life outlooks yet raised under the same roof with the same expectations?”
Bingo. I tend to think we give ourselves as parents a lot more credit or conversely blame for the end result of our parenting. That is not to say that we shouldn’t try, but parenting can also become narcissistic if we think that we are the only variable. The inborn personalities of our children matter quite a lot and perhaps even more than our parenting.
You often hear that the goal of parenting is to raise productive adults. But does productivity necessarily equal the success Natalie outlines in this post? Based upon my reading, she seems to equate success and achievement with money. Perhaps I’m oversimplifying things here, but she does start her post with her pedigree, namely the number $2 million.
I guess I see my role in raising my kids is to nurture them and to eventually raise them into educated and compassionate adults. Instead of having them read the personal finance classics Natalie mentions, I would like to expose them to literary classics and the canon of literature. But I will do this at a much later age than Natalie mentions. For now, I just read my three year old the classic Dr. Seuss and Maurice Sendak.
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Exactly. I was going to say, some kids will be a success no matter what happens. I don’t recall my parents ever attending a school event once I got out of grade school, or ask about my grades for that matter. I was VERY surprised when they came to my graduation (DVM). Perhaps they succeeded by letting me find my own success.
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When I was young my parents read 19th-century books to me and with me: Dickens and Victor Hugo and Alexandre Dumas. Very plot-driven books with many vivid characters that were fascinating for a child.
Thank God they somehow forgot to include such “masters” as Og Mandino and Zig Ziglar!
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I completely agree and I’m reminded of a study I read a few years ago. It stated that a child’s friends were much more important than a child’s parents in how the child ultimately turned out. It’s a very liberating thought for those of us with kids.
My husband and I try to keep our children safe and healthy. We work to make sure they have a good education. We equip them with all the tools they need for success. But if they fail, it sure as heck isn’t our fault, so we’re certainly not going to turn around and take any credit when they sell their businesses for $2 million.
I know the author is the one crediting her parents, but I suspect if she’s honest with herself, she’ll admit her success had far more to do with good genes, a good comfortable start, and an ambitious personality than it had to do with anything else. That lawn mowing trick would work with 2 of my kids, at the most.
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That study on children’s friends must have been a one time deal. I have read hundreds of studies and that is the first ime I have heard an actual study saying anyone other than the parent being the most important influence. Sorry, you are still on the hook. Children will succeed because of parents or despite parents- but they are huge in the development.
I don’t agree with motivational books reLly young. What Natalie doesn’t see is that it wasn’t the payment for the books, it was that she knew those books – and their values- pleased her parents. Since she was a please ( not a bad thing), her parents passed on their value of earining big bucks- just like my taking kids to museums often gave them an appreciation for art.
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Kids and parents are so different I don’t think we can make any generalizations. Some kids succeed in spite of their parents and some won’t despite their parents’ best efforts. I saw a lot when I was a teacher.
IMHO, I think parents, friends, institutions (like school and the workplace), religion and the media are all influences. I can’t say which is the most important — it really depends on the parents and their children. After all, siblings can be as different as night and day despite having many of the same influences.
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What I’d seen was that teenagers are more influenced by peers than parents, but parenting influences who the teens choose to be friends with.
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Your parents certainly helped you on your way to early financial success, I agree with you on that. But I’m not thrilled with the implication in this article that what worked for you is going to work for anyone else besides you. Every person is different, and many people who’ve obtained your same level of success at the same time did so with “good enough” (or worse) parenting.
Also, possible other factors that may have played a role in your success before age 30 include: winning the “genetic lottery” simply by being born in a first-world country, being an intrinsically intelligent and easily motivated individual, being fortunate enough to become well-educated by succeeding in school, having creatively meaningful ideas well-timed with the marketplace to earn money, and – frankly – pure unexplainable luck.
It’s really easy after the fact to speculate on what makes a person successful. Honest assessment of this should include at least some of the factors I mentioned above, otherwise you end up sounding a bit pedantic.
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You have brought out an important point “luck”! I don’t have a college degree but have lived and worked around the world in international organizations. Some of my more educated and more hard working friends have long desired to have international jobs, or at least just travel, but luck has not been on their side. I know for sure that it was not my intelligence that has made me travel so much, but plain old luck!
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@17: But there’s trying, and then there’s TRYING. And somewhere along the way, one replaced the other, and just being out there on the soccer field, sitting at one end of the field while all the action is going on at the other end (for example), became acceptable. It really isn’t.
Giving kids kudos for participating, when participating means showing up most of the time and mostly on time isn’t teaching them about the value of trying. Trying means stepping outside of your comfort zone and really going after something.
Really trying takes some effort, maybe even some mild suffering (or at least some sweat and/or tears).
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I have personal experience with this and I don’t agree with tip #1. I tried it and it didnt’ work. I think it could work with the right personality but this is where taking any of these tips as the “gospel” is a problem. You really need to gear the financial and successful mindset training to the personality of the child. I do agree with the rest of the the tips and have had fantastic success for years doing this so they DO work!
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Empower your kids. Empower them to make tough decisions. Empower them to work hard. Empower them to learn through discovery. And empower them to make mistakes and help them learn from them.
Great topic by the way!
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We have a glass craft that the kids put change in. Our 2 year old is really doing it well and now the 1 year old is following suit. We call it their savings. I hope that it makes an impact in their future. I find taking that $1k tax return per kid is a great way to invest for the kids future. I don’t miss it.
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That’s awesome! I think that all those are wonderful things to teach children. The first one I’ve never heard of but I think it’s a great practice. Though I don’t have children, I hope I can do this good of a job raising them someday.
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I found this article to be articulate and interesting. It seems that her parents had some novel approaches to child reading that for the most part worked out. Great! I do think that it’s oversimplified and the author is clearly glossing over a significant amount of luck and innate social bias (she is genuinely intelligent – comes from a stable family – had plenty food, shelter and love when growing up) she has attempted to bring to light some unusual things that her parents did that others might try with their own children. I agree with all of the authors examples. I remember the summer my mom required me to read – How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Honestly I only got throught the first chapter (what sixth grader wants to read this stuff)- but I sure learned about a lot about human psychology that has consistently come in handy later in life.
So here is my question – for all the people who say not to tell your kid their smart – what if your kid *is* smart. I was smart – I honestly didn’t have to work hard for a single A until I got into college. My parents tried to prepare me for college – but how can you – it was a total shock to suddenly have to work to be average. I’m glad that they had been honest my whole life about the fact that yes I was smart instead of making believe I had been trying all those years, but it was still hard. But the reality is that while trying is good – being naturally smarter or better at something is definetley easier. And playing to one’s strengths is an efficient way to success.
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” My parents tried to prepare me for college – but how can you – it was a total shock to suddenly have to work to be average. ”
I’m sorry, it sounds like college was a big adjustment. But unfortunately, this also reveals the social bias you mention earlier. You can prepare a child for the mentality required in college. For years before, my mother had drilled into me that college required 3 hours of study outside of every lecture (so I prepared to work a lot harder) and that I should self-advise from the courseguide (so I was never screwed from poor advising from the college). I was able to hit the ground running in college, but I know this would not be the case without the benefit of my mother’s experience (and the benefit of 2 generations of college-education women before her).
Malcom Gladwell’s Outliers has some great insights about the power of cultural legacies that family’s pass on.
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“and that I should self-advise from the course guide (so I was never screwed from poor advising from the college).”
Wow! I know 3 children (from the same family!) that allowed the colleges to chose their courses. Two “finished” a 2-year degree only to find out they took the wrong math class for their degree. They became so discouraged that they refused to go back another semester for that one class. The third finished her 4 year degree in 5 years and again – one class short. She ended up with $88,000 in loans and no real degree. BUT…. the same thing happened to their mom a few years before. A four year degree was waiting for her – she just had to finish one (!!!) paper! The writer of this post probably had successful parents. Children are impacted by their models in so many ways – good or not so good. Nature vs. nurture…. Discuss….
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Yes, you leverage your strengths. But you don’t coast on them.
I would never be the kind of parent who asked “Where is the other 5%?” But I also wouldn’t let my son crow about an A I know he didn’t work for. Parents of kids whose skills lie in sports or music understand this intuitively. They get them on better teams or onto more difficult material.
The real problem is that you were born in an era of easy classes. Trust me, if you had been born a century or two ago, it wouldn’t have been so easy to coast through school. And if you did, at least you’d be fluent in multiple languages (including Latin and ancient Greek). (*****This is not to bemoan our current educational system. Mass education as REAL benefits for individuals and society. Most people could not handle the standard curriculum for the smarties of the past.)
The real question is why would you need your parents to tell you you’re smart? Every day you got that message in class. What a really smart child needs is for the parent to introduce them to other smart kids or even be the benchmark. Like a child who plays chess with a parent until they can beat him or her.
Childhood is FULL of opportunities to learn things they don’t necessarily require in class. Clubs and activities and lessons all provide a child with the EXTRA opportunity to learn something new or explore personal interests. Sometimes they come with rewards and trophies and sometimes they are just fun to learn. For a kid who finds school challenging, this isn’t necessarily a good route because kids need downtime too. But for a kid who is bored in school, it can be the answer. School can be their downtime!
I might say, “That’s nice you got an A, but what did you learn? What was your favorite part of the project? Are you going to do or read more about that subject?” And most importantly “What’s next?” For an average kid, this can be devastating, but a kid who is truly bright will find it stimulating. They key is to observe your kid and respond accordingly.
The truly brilliant people I know (and I know a couple) used themselves as a benchmark because often there was no one else. They set their own challenges. A 98% wasn’t good enough when they knew they could do better. Even if that 98% meant they were the school’s top student. They weren’t chasing marks. They were chasing knowledge.
But success (as was said in another comment) is a lot about luck. These brilliant people I know are still brilliant, but they don’t make fortunes even if they have found some success. Not everything is fungible or predictable. Brains and skill won’t necessarily equal millions. These people don’t necessarily make more than many of the other people I know who are not brilliant but found success.
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The NYT article mentioned in other comments is really good, and the underlying research is fascinating.
The A or C isn’t in the child’s control, but the effort they put in is – so praising outcomes while ignoring inputs is ineffective and can make some kids really stressed and unhappy.
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This is a fine line I am trying to learn with my oldest, who have been told since kindergarden by various teachers she is “special” “exceptional” or “my best student” and her reporting back on the “easy” tests or she is the only person in her class reading books out of the advanced basket. Even if I didn’t say a word, she would know. So, I keep reinforcing that most of what success is, not natural talent, but hard work, and putting the effort to learn and be better, and that I knew many very smart people who didn’t do well in life because they felt they didn’t need to try, and ended up being less prepared than people who knew they needed to work hard and learn good work habits. Still it has been not easy, trying to find the right balance between giving her work that challenges her but yet not make school feel like just hard work. OTOH my youngest is not gifted in that way at all, but has the personality that she likes being helpful and productive. so for her I’m not going to go into long speeches, but structure her day to give her various tasks she can practice and improve on.
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I have a poster in my classroom:
Average but works hard beats brilliant but lazy
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Teaching and modeling entrepreneurship for kids is hugely important, since very few kids are exposed to the nuts-and-bolts of real-world entrepreneurship.
Since I started my own business–and have been talking about it with my kids–I’ve seen them shift their thinking from “what do I want to be” to “what kind of business do I want to start” when they grow up.
Even something as simple as a lemonade stand can teach volumes about entrepreneurship. Last summer, my son wanted to do a lemonade stand. We talked about how to market it (location & signage; which season, weather, time of day, & days of week might work best), seed money to buy lemonade & juices (offering different products) & cups, managing inventory, monitoring which product lines sell best, bringing in employees/partners (his sister and 2 neighbor kids) to help, etc. All the kids were super excited about the experience.
Like many of the other comments mentioned, praising a child for effort and giving constructive feedback helps motivate them and instruct them on how to improve, while letting them know that effort–rather than ability–is often the bigger factor in success (see Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Outliers” for evidence of this).
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While I haven’t read this book in entiretl yet – I’ve read reviews and had lots of people explain it to me – and actually he says that effort is NOT as significant as we think it is. That there are a significant number of other influences that direct our success, the hockey players born at the end of the year for example.
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The birthdays of hockey players was a popular example from the book, but the cultural legacies (the examples of Jewish vs. Irish immigrants) and being the opportune age at the right time (example, being in your young 20s at the boom of an industry) were two bigger takeaways for me.
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Actually, I have read the book, and while circumstance is discussed, so is the need for practice, practice, practice. To become expert at something, he says, requires about 10,000 hours of practice. So effort IS VERY IMPORTANT. The hockey players in the example had an early advantage b/c of their birthdate, but become good players because of the practice they put in over the years – more than their less advantaged (at the beginning) peers.
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1. Setting Goals in a document and reviewing/editing it every 6 months. Works for kids from 8th grade onwards.
2. Teaching kids how to invest with the little money that they have. Sharebuilder is a great account for this.
3. Ensuring that parents and grandparents do NOT buy stuff for kids without it being a reward of some kind, so that they know that “Every Action has a Reaction” with a true sense of positiveness and reward attached to it. And, this is for things like iPods, Tablets, Laptops, Car, Big-Toys, New Bed etc.
4. Rewards for Each A Grade at the end of the semester.
5. Giving COUPONS at Christmas that have rewards built in it for following year based on ‘achievements’. This works PHENOMENALLY WELL.
6. Buying them MORE than what they asked if they show the patience of waiting for a sale. This teaches them ‘umpteen skills in the US’ since things go on ‘crazy’ sale prices every 2 weeks to 2 months. Everything can be bought for 50% off if you just wait, so you can buy twice as much < My Kids know this slogan well.
7. Renting instead of buying from Netflix, Library, Online sources etc. This teaches them the value of not collecting esp. when the value of possession will depreciate (like owning Mission Impossible 1 movie).
Hope this helps.
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Can we have some articles about raising children by people who have raised children, are raising children or at least know something about child development?
One grown woman’s sentimental assessment of her own childhood as some kind of prescription for success is not what I want to read.
Bribing a four year old to sit a listen to wealth building audio tapes is insane advice. I also love how it never occured to the author that her father’s interest in those books might have been the reason she was interested too. Hardly shocking. But certainly not predictable for every kid.
A child’s job at four is to play. Play is their work. Their job is not to sit and listen to audio tapes meant for adults.
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These are some of the things we do with our two-year-old:
1. We encourage empathy and label emotions. When he’s throwing a fit, we say it looks like he’s feeling upset, and when he’s laughing his head off we say it seems that he’s happy. When he sees other kids cry, we explain sadness and what made them sad.
2. We read and borrow children’s books from the library on a weekly basis. We read casually and comfortably so it’s not regimented, and he loves reading.
3. We don’t have TV and we don’t let him play with iPhones or computers, other than to occasionally look at photos on iPhoto. Maybe when he’s older we can watch movies together.
4. LOTS of open-ended and free play. He has boxes of legos, blocks, play-doh, crayons and puzzles. Lots of outdoor time too at the park.
5. We make sure to instill family and community in him so that he knows just how deep love and trust can go.
I’m sure there’s more but this is what I can come up with!
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There is a lot of great advice in these comments and in the article. As I was reading the comments, I noticed nobody had mentioned teaching empathy. So, rather than reading every comment, I Ctrl+F searched for “empathy” on the page and found your comment.
Thank you for mentioning it.
I’d like to add to your point of empathy and extend it beyond empathizing with emotions, but also to context and circumstances. Being able to understand another persons point of view, I believe, is one of the most undervalued life skills and is critical to developing a sound moral compass.
I’d consider my daughter a success if she eventually (shes two) posses the following traits:
* empathy
* strong internalized moral compass
* work ethic
* compassion
* love
* curiosity
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Awesome
Hold onto that definition, and thank you for the reality check.
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Can we have some articles about raising children by people who have raised children, are raising children or at least know something about child development?
Seriously. My dad is an electrical engineer that designs alarm systems. Guess how qualified I am to write an article about alarm system design?
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I’m not sure I particularly want to read articles on GRS about raising children. Raising savers or entrepreneurs, possibly, having enough money to afford X, Y, or Z goals for children, definitely (especially if one realizes that others may have completely different goals and that’s ok), but more generally raising children… there’s enough basis-less judgmental disagreeing advice on the internet about raising kids as it is. GRS doesn’t need to add on to the mommy-guilt industrial complex.
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Natalie – great post. I really enjoyed it.
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I let my son fail, be broke and go hungry for a little while when he was in his early(ier) 20′s. It lit a fire under him unlike anything I’d tried along the lines of encouraging.
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Unless the title was changed after the article was posted, it does say, “5 UNUSUAL Ways…” As with any advice, what works for some families won’t work for others. Last I noticed, no one has found the perfect parenting formula. Let’s all do the best we can, learning and adapting as we go. Also, guilt is self-inflicted, and it’s best felt in moderation or not at all.
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If that’s the case, it makes me sad that giving unconditional love and demonstrating a strong work ethic are considered “unusual”.
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Spend some time volunteering with kids and you’ll see that many have never known unconditional love or witnessed a strong work ethic from their parents or other family members. And you’re right, it is sad.
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Or teaching! Many kids succeed in spite of their upbringing. I’ve seen at-risk teens pull their lives together thanks to the support of their friends and teachers.
Mind you, I’ve also seen plenty of kids who don’t have a strong work ethic despite the best efforts of their parents. (Including one of my siblings — he learned in the workplace, not at home or school.)
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Thanks, Natalie. I have a 3 y.o. daughter and this is exactly what I needed. =)
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Involving my children in my life and businesses as well as spending time with them is about 95% OF IT. My children are successful adults. I asked them what did we do, if anything to cause their success. They told me they observed how we handled things. In other words children what you do and copy it. Role modeling is very important!
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One of the best things we ever did for our son was read aloud to him when he was small. We read all kinds of books, for about 20 minutes at a time, and at least a couple of times a day. He’d sit next to us for a little while, but then he’d slide down to the floor and play with his Legos while he listened. We knew he was still listening, because he laughed at the funny parts, and sometimes would stop to ask questions.
Mom leaned towards one kind of story book, and Dad leaned towards another, so he heard a wide range of writing styles. He loved Read Aloud time, and we did too.
When he was old enough to read for himself, we still read to him out of books he could understand, but couldn’t read for himself yet. He eventually learned to read pretty widely and loved books.
It wasn’t High Finance, but we feel that it had a huge impact on who he became. We loved those Read Aloud years.
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Thanks for the article. I’m surprised to see the backlash about kids being involved in “grown up learning”.
My mother and my grandmother before her showed me that you treat kids like humans first and children second. As a parent of 4 I can tell you kids enjoy learning at ANY level.
We offer “points” to our kids (not money) for doing things that develop character. Some kids respond to that, others don’t. Some take the challenge to learn a song on the piano, some don’t. I think more importantly than the specifics of parenting here are:
a) Respect your kids ability to understand complex things, and to handle mistakes without being coddled.
b) Realize what works for your child and encourage positive habits. If your kid responds to money, use that to encourage the right behaviors.
I find it curious that so many commenters seem to feel like they have to “protect” their children from learning. FORCING a child to learn something they don’t want to learn or aren’t talented in won’t help, but respecting and understanding your child will help them succeed.
As a business owner and college professor the same applies to college students and employees. Start with respect and trust.
Another theme people talked about here is “that wouldn’t work for all of my kids”. If you find that thought interesting you should check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/First-Break-All-Rules-Differently/dp/0684852861
It’s written for adults but it applies to kids also, and basically says that different people are born with certain strengths and you should play to those strengths, not their weaknesses. It sounds like the author’s parents knew her strengths and played to them…
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As a parent of four I’m surprised you haven’t seen the back-lash before. You must not hang out a lot with other parents! Or maybe different parents. Or just different people entirely. http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/another-parenting-discussion-probably-controversial-though-i-wish-it-werent/
I totally agree with you. Learning is fun and not mutually exclusive from playing. I disagree about only playing to strengths and not to weaknesses– Mindset by Carol Dweck has some research on that.
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Obviously unconditional love, encouraging questions and lots else in this article are hardly “unusual” ways to raise kids (I hope).
I stressed massive amounts of reading and very little TV with my kids, and I think that was the main thing that made them successful. If you can read quickly and really well, you will automatically do well in school, and you also have the ability to educate yourself about anything you need to know from the time you are a teenager into the future, from beekeeping to personal finance.
Give a kid a lesson in personal finance and that’s all they’ll know. But teach a kid to fish/read and they can learn everything they need to know in the future on their own. Reading FTW!
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I love point number four. I think teaching kids the value of hard work to be one of the most important lessons parents can teach their children. I have a father very similar to you who taught me by example how to value hard work and to take pride in all things I pursue.
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April what books did your parents start you out on and what are some books you recommend for 4-5 year olds? thank you
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Send them to bed without any dinner.
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What an informative and encouraging post. As a mother, I’ve of course have been reading up on how to books for good child rearing advice but this tops it all- well with the exception of “How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. The aforementioned book and this post actually are well aligned and complement each other. Thanks for such great info.
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Just read this. Brilliant.
One tip only:
#3 should be #1. That’s the key to… pretty much everything.
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For me the work ethic is probably the most important thing to teach. As parents and teachers, we need to show that to our kids ourselves.
“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” Colin Powell
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I think these tips are very generic and can be applied for team building or even talent specific roles.
other than that I wouldn’t apply these rules or this set of logic with a generation as dynamic as the current one. Nowadays it’s more about worst case scenario and adaptation to those scenarios(in most cases they are worst case because of over sensitive responses).
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What a powerful lesson your dad taught you with the lawn mowing! That story is going to stay with me as I raise my four kids.
I totally get your point about making kids powerful. Several years ago, we were desperately trying to housebreak our new puppy. It was quite a time consuming task. We offered a sizable amount of money to any of our four kids to train the dog. Only one of our kids chose to do it; he was 9 years old at the time. After two weeks, he was successful and is still very proud three years later. And…he accomplished something that his older brother and sister both viewed as “impossible.”
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This is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. I can’t wait to check out your blog Natalie. I wish I had read this when my kids were young.
I’d love to read this type of advice for parents of adult children. How can we use our assets, wisdom, and knowledge to help them in appropriate ways now that they are adults?
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I’m a parenting educator, and although I liked some of these suggestions, I was surprised that a parent who didn’t pay his child to do chores (I agree – children should be expected to pitch in as a member of the family), would pay a child to read! That doesn’t send the right message about acquiring knowledge.
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I love this. I am afraid that people forget their children will one day be adults and need to make adult decisions. Therefore they don’t arm them with the tools they need to succeed. I have done three things I am very proud of with my children. 1. I taught them to be independent. 2. I never lie to them, or as we like to say, I never blow smoke. If they are good at something I praise them. If they aren’t, I don’t lie and say they are. This teaches them to work harder for the things they want to be good at and let go of those things that just are not worth their effort. 3. I opened a savings account for them when they were babies and as soon as they could I let them help me manage it. That meant the investing, the saving and the spending. These were not hard to implement. Mostly it was a matter of making a choice to raise kids that would have the best opportunity to succeed as adults.
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Great Post.
You hit the nail on the head with your comments about teaching kids to be powerful. My wife and I try to frame this around goal-setting, practice and learning as a way to eliminate negative self-talk. Your post inspired me to link/comment on your article within my own blog today.
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The key to raising a happy child is weening them off tv. We use audiobooks for that. They’re far more engaging than television. We downloaded a bunch for free at this site. http://www.twirlygirlshop.com/stories-for-kids. Anything that engages their brain and imagination is better than the idiot box, imho.
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Keep up the good work. I love the pics!
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