Two months ago today, I asked my wife for a divorce.
I won’t be writing about the personal aspects of the divorce at Get Rich Slowly. In fact, other than some brief background at my personal site, I don’t intend to write it about it on the web at all. Kris and I are both emotional wrecks right now; the wounds are fresh and raw for both of us.
That said, I can no longer avoid sharing the truth with GRS readers. Too many of my financial decisions — present and future — are tied to the divorce. I’m hunting for health insurance, for instance, and I’ll have to re-evaluate my asset allocation. And ten days ago, I moved to a new apartment.
Living Small
For the past eight years, Kris and I have lived in an 1800-square-foot house on three-fifths of an acre. The place also includes a large garage, a workshop, and a couple of out-buildings. Plus, I’ve been leasing an office up the street. Despite working to reduce clutter in my life, I have a lot of Stuff. I’ve written a lot about wanting to simplify, about wanting to live in a smaller space, but I’ve been reluctant to take the necessary action.
Now, though, I’m moving. And because I’m moving, I feel obligated to practice what I preach. While part of me wants to find another house (Kris is keeping ours), I know it’s better to find a smaller space and to adjust my life to fit it. Thus, I’ve been looking to see how some of my friends manage to live not-so-big lives.
For instance, last fall Tammy — who writes about simplicity at Rowdy Kittens (and who shared a GRS reader story about the benefits of biking) — moved into a tiny house. The entire home is only 130 square feet! She and her husband had me over for dinner recently, and I shot some video of the space:
I loved Tammy and Logan’s tiny house. The floor plan is well-designed and functional. Still, I’m not ready to live that small just yet.
Instead, I opted to rent an apartment.
The Apartment
While most folks were spending Thanksgiving week, well, giving thanks, I was hunting for apartments. Some might consider going from house to apartment a step backward. I don’t mind. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I actually believe renting can be a great choice for the right person. In this case, I think I’m the right person.
While searching for a place to live, I tried to take a lot of things into account. Price was important, obviously, but so was the age of the place, the layout, and, especially, the location. Over the past five years, I’ve come to place a premium on walkable neighborhoods, and I know I wanted an apartment with a high walk score.
I found a place I liked in a good location near downtown Portland — the biggest drawback is that it’s right next to a donut shop (danger! danger!) — and signed a lease. But then I started to worry that I was paying too much. By comparing notes with other people, I’ve since decided that while I’m not getting a bargain, my rent is reasonable.
Best of all, the apartment has a walk score of 88 (very walkable) and a transit score of 73 (excellent transit). And because I’m an avid walker, I can reach neighborhoods that the Walk Score app doesn’t consider. (As a comparison, our house has a walk score of 49, meaning car-dependent, and a transit score of 32, which means it has some transit.)
I’ve been in my new place for ten days now, and I like it — but it doesn’t feel like home. Still, I’m trying to make the most of these 705 square feet. Instead of just talking about how much I want to cut back on clutter, I’ve been faced with tough decisions every day. Which books do I keep? Which comics? How many pairs of shoes? How many jackets? Do I really need (or want) my records and record player?
By making judicious choices (and with the help of some new furniture from Ikea), I think I’ve reached a good balance. My new place contains the things I need — but it’s not filled with a lot of clutter and junk. It’s my hope that this will continue for the foreseeable future.
Fear of the Future
Now that I have a place to live — and now that I’m mostly unpacked — there are other problems to tackle as a result of the divorce.
For one, how do I handle health insurance? For eighteen years, I’ve been on Kris’ policy. Not anymore. After the divorce is final, I have only a few weeks (or maybe even just a few days) before my coverage with her carrier lapses. I’m the sort of guy who might risk going without health insurance for a few months or years, but Kris won’t have it. “We are not getting a divorce until you can prove to me that you have health insurance,” she told me the other day.
Meanwhile, what do I do about my office? Does it make sense to continue to rent that space? Should I find someplace closer? More importantly, what about day-to-day stuff like laundry and groceries. Obviously, I’m capable of handling these chores on my own, but due to the division of labor within our marriage, I’ve always relied on Kris to handle most of these chores. Now I’m going to have to budget for food, plan meals, and buy supplies on my own.
Kris has lots of questions about the future too. She’s still in the house, after all. How will she handle the yard work? Who’s going to take care of her car? And so on. But she too is capable of handling these things on her own. Besides, we both agree that figuring out the chores is inconsequential to figuring out the big stuff, the emotional stuff.
For now, Kris and I are still in constant contact. We had dinner Friday night, I drove by the house yesterday, and we’ll have dinner together tomorrow night. Plus, we still plan to share a vacation to Argentina in a few weeks. If one of us gets into trouble, the other will be there to help. Our marriage may be ending, but our friendship isn’t.
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It’s terribly difficult to comment on this type of post without seeming either nosy, presumptuous or judgmental. I didn’t get to read every single comment here, but of those I did read, many were focused on the (possible) financial causes/implications of J.D.’s situation (obviously – as this is a personal finance blog!) But I’ve been reading this blog for some time, and it seems to me that J.D’s journey to health, fitness, weight loss and – this is going to sound odd – general attractiveness has also been a profound one for him.
A couple of years ago I lost quite a bit of weight, and for a while I was really preoccupied with how much more “attention” I was getting from men. I have been happily married for 17 years, and I did not succumb to any temptation (and I am not suggesting this about J.D. either!!!) But I did see myself in such an entirely different light – all of a sudden, I was much more conscious and aware of my looks, other people’s looks, how they looked at me. It was a strange time. Again, I am trying not to make any presumptions about J.D. – just seeing it “through the filter” (as one reader aptly put it) of my own experience.
I am glad, though, that I stuck with my marriage – - – looks fade, pounds can be regained, we all end up the exact same way. But a good, strong, loving marriage can help weather the inevitable ups-and-downs of life. I wish you and Kris the best possible outcome in all of this, whatever that may be.
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I have never read your site before, but came through a link called The Simple Dollar. First, let me say that I have been married for 30 years and have been through some of the rougher patches that a marriage can encounter. I was not prepared (as a young woman) for the changes that happen to people as they age. There is a lot of STUFF, pain, experinces, etc. and it happens to us as individuals as well as marriage partners. The road block comes when one of the individuals feels alone with their pain or experience and an emotional separation begins to occur. I went through something that my husband could not understand and he trivialized it (not purposely) time and time again. He is a very loving and kind man, the best of providers, and, generally, very unselfish and supportive of anything that I want to do. He just did not know how to help me. We have raised 3 children together and, yet, I wanted to leave. This has was about a 3 year process. We were very fortunate in having close friends (some in counseling) who came along aside of us and gave us new perspectives. Our old minister from Germany even flew here to meet with us. A very wise older man, I will never forget when he looked me in the eye and asked me what I really WANTED in life? He told me that I had to figure this out. After much time went by (as I said, 3 years), I tried to move out, but did not, and ultimately, I decided that I wanted to be married to my husband for the rest of my life. NOW, we could begin rebuilding. A marriage is a very long adventure, but the things that you gain are immeasurable and so very worth the HARD work. We are trying to stay committed to the other persons happiness and sometimes (no, often) someone must give up something in order for that to happen. I do not know why I am sitting here with my coffee writing to a perfect stranger, but there is something in your story that begs fighting for. I hope that you two choose to fight for each other. Blessings to you both!
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+1.
IMHO, if you’re in the right relationship, marriage is a fulfilling adventure that surpasses anything to be found in travel to exotic locations – perhaps because its happiness comes from a place within each person that fills the space between those people, rather than from an external location or external circumstances.
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I am a relatively new GRS reader, but I have seen my parents and friends get a divorce. No matter who is responsible it sucks for all parties involved.
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My sincere best wishes to both of you. Though we’ve never met or even spoken directly, I’ve read pretty much every word you’ve written on GRS in the last 5 years. I feel closer to you than to a lot of my family. I hope everything works out for the best for you and Kris, I’m sure you’re doing what you think is right.
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A non-divorce comment that is based on the information gained from other comments: I, too, am a daily reader, but I also didn’t know that you’d sold your blog. In a future post, it would be nice to understand how this has affected your finances (though I’m sure you can’t disclose specifics, like the exact selling price). Based on some of your recent blog posts that talked about things like cutting back on comic book spending, having a decreased income for next year, maybe dropping your office space, etc, I’d assumed that you were living on less income and a tighter budget. I also assumed that you were slowly saving for things like travel and a new car. But if you’ve sold the blog, I now wonder if you are very wealthy and perhaps in a very different financial reality than right before you sold the blog. I know we aren’t entitled to know the exact figures of your finances, but given how much info you’ve shared over the years, I’m curious to eventually learn more about this huge financial move. Thanks!
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While no exact dollar number has been reported, google it and you’ll find the sale price estimated at over one million dollars. Reach your own conclusions about the authenticity of JD’s “burden” of dealing with additional expenses.
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Keep in mind that >$1 million estimate is really just pure guesswork by another blogger. The blogger who made that guess doesn’t even know when the sale took place and is guessing on that too. He based his guess mostly (I think) on the publicly disclosed $3 million sale price of another blog. So it seems like a reasonable assumption to make the educated guess that GetRichSlowly would have fetched 7 figures too. But we really do not know. We don’t know when GRS sold. WE don’t know how it compares financially to the other blogs that have sold. We don’t know the terms of the sale. That blogger could be right to assume GRS fetched >$1m or they could be wrong.
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I wish the best to you and Kris. Having followed your lives sporadically for the last few years I feel some pain and loss for both of you. I’ve just gone through (and initiated) the end of a 20 year non-marriage relationship that avoided acrimony, but we haven’t been able to find our footing as true friends. I hope you and Kris do better.
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First of all, I am so sorry to hear this! My heart melts for both of you at the loss of what was once a great marriage.
Here comes the unsolicited advice, but sometimes it’s much easier to see things from the outside. It sounds like Kris is a mature woman who knew that she’d found what she wanted. Things were content for her and you are still looking for something to complete you.
Travel and experiences and smaller and smaller houses and less things won’t do that for you. Clearing the clutter just reveals what you are. Clearing the financial woes does the same.
I don’t think it’s the marriage that’s the problem; it feels to me like you’re running and searching, but not after the good things of the world. As soon one thing is over, you’re asking ‘what’s next?’. While having goals and plans is a good thing, it shouldn’t be the only thing. Consider that you might be filling up your life to cover a hole in yourself.
There’s been a whole lot of change for you. Now is not the time to add major decisions and stress to your life. JD, what is it you’re hungering *for*? It may take years and the help of the church, counseling, Kris, your family and friends to find it, but I think discovering the true answer to that question will greatly help both you and this situation. I must admit that I’m a nostalgic romantic, so I’m hoping it’ll help your marriage too. The fact that Kris seems to think it’s not best for *you* when she insisted you have health insurance says to me that it’s important for you to take some time.
Much love and hope and prayer for the future for both of you!
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Hi J.D.
I have been following your blog for months and had to leave a comment on this post because it really touched me. It sounds like you are handling thing well and I just want you to know that people are there for you. Your blog is one of my favorites. I enjoy that you talk about finances but try to focus on true wealth. Best of luck. I am just about to launch my own blog called Lotusmother.com . It is about all aspects of life and raising children. Anyway, I look forward to many more posts from you and wish you all the best.
Frances
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I have been reading your blog for over a years and a couple of months ago in noticed what a lot of other readers noticed; a subtext of “de-coupling”. Nevertheless, your announcement brought a stab of pain to my heart. I remember going through my own divorce 8 years ago (unfortunately not amicable) and the ensuing financial devastation. I am a believer in “happily ever after”, though I know how hard it is to achieve. I hope you and Kris find your own version of it.
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Like so many others, I found myself surprised at how sad this post made me when I first read it a couple days ago. I’m not even that regular a reader of the site. I find most of the “staff writer” content pretty uninteresting, but always enjoyed reading the posts by JD about his life, including/ especially with Kris.
I’ve felt conflicted about the nature of the comments – on the one hand, some of these comments are quite presumptuous and downright mean. That said, I think some level of commenting is understandable, because it was the precisely personal connection to JD that made this blog popular and thus a major income source for him, and later an entity he could sell profitably. JD seems to recognize this as well, as he’s been extremely gracious in responding to the comments about his divorce, and I think deserves credit for that.
I should say at the outset that I differ with the commenters taking a hard line that divorce should never happen in the absence of infidelity or abuse. I’ve seen how wrong self-righteous absolutes can be, and I don’t really know that it’s my place to say who should and shouldn’t stay married, or how much effort they have to put in before they decide to call it quits.
But I just wanted to note to JD that – building on May’s point – you really do need to envision life without Kris, without a connection to Kris, and potentially without an amiable relationship to Kris.
It’s one thing when a decision is mutual. But when the parting stems from unequal feeling, it’s a different animal entirely. I lived through a situation not unlike yours and May’s. It was so difficult for my then-boyfriend to understand that ultimately, there could be no in-between. He wanted to hold on to some of what made our interactions wonderful, without the constraints that committing to me brought. But if you play it out, how exactly does that work? In most monogamous relationships, it doesn’t. Even if I don’t come to resent you, which is a big if: (1) if I’m still in love with you, then our friendship isn’t serving me; and (2) if I need to learn how to not love you or how to move on from loving you, then I need to stop giving you real estate in my life. There’s sadness, pain, and eventually distance.
Perhaps your outcome will be different in the ways you hope. But it would be prudent not to assume that your situation will somehow defy the odds. Walk forward knowing that Kris will *not* be your dear one, your best friend or even your close friend, forever. You will both move forward on separate paths, and that is life.
Kris, you have won the hearts of many.
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Kris, think long and hard about keeping the house. I know you love it but it could become a cement block around your neck, for the rest of your life.
This blog is about money. -Not letting money or things(bills, houses) run and ruin your life. Using money to improve this short time we have on this Earth. Sometime possessions tie us down, tear us down. We love our home, but it IS just a thing. Remember Suze’s mantra. People First (Kris that is YOU, not JD, not the house, not even me in this case), Money Second, (Financial Security for the rest of your life, Financial power to do, learn, see, experience this life as you want) and then “Things”.
Kris, you need a great lawyer. Someone to guide you through the legal, money mess. The great ones will help guide you through the legal mess, while ensuring no emotional or foolish money errors are made while you regain your balance.
This is a bit like being very sick, not able to think or care for yourself as you, an adult, normally can. You’d need a Dr, a medical professional, to care for you, your well being, until you got back on your feet and able to make normal life choices.
This is a Money Blog.
You need a lawyer to ensure you, Your Money and even your things are taken care of to your benefit until you can again do so with a clear mind.
Stop being The Good Girl. This is emotional and financial Hardball. If you were a guy, I’d say -Man Up. Maybe it’s -Woman Up!
Females in all of life are tough and fierce. With or without male assistance they hunt, feed them self, raise, feed and teach the young. They do the things to continue life on this earth. They don’t give up, they fight for life.
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Yikes. So much judging going on. Good luck to you both. Divorce and separation can be good things. Why force something that isn’t working? It’s your relationship to decide what to do with, and you’ll both be o.k. with time.
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Divorce and separation can be good things it is true. But those “can be” times are by far the minority says research (www.americanvales.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html)
After reading many (but not all) of the comments it seems that there are very few just rude or nasty ones. The “judging” ones are people who care (and probably people whose opinions differ from yours). They are the result of people who care enough to try to correct what it is bad situation, like what any good friend should do for you if they think you are going down a dangerous or destructive path.
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I hope that you do not believe that a divorce will make you happy, the chances of that are small. And please also be aware that most (2/3) unhappy marriages will get back on track within 5 years if the couple can stick with it. This is not just my opinion but the result of research that you can find at http://www.americanvalues.org/UnhappyMarriages.pdf
I sincerely hope that you have tried everything possible to save this marriage and fight to keep the person that you vowed to love. A marriage vow doesn’t say that you’ll love the person when you get married but that you will do you best to continue to love then, a commitment. To beak that vow is a breach of trust and how can you maintain a real friendship with anyone you can’t trust? Maybe you’ve seen this work but I never have.
I am truly saddened to hear of anyone asking for divorce unless there are extreme circumstances. I don’t know the details and don’t need to know the details but am unaware of a circumstance where marital counseling has hurt so…. Please please please go to marriage counseling.
I hope that all of these comments spur you on to fight for your marriage. To fight against whatever issues are separating you, distancing you. I have to agree with earlier commenters who said that to ask for a divorce is, at it’s core, selfish (barring extreme circumstances). Make your marriage an “us” rather than a “you and me” mindset.
My heart goes out to Kris. There is no one who can hurt you deeper than a spouse. I hope that she has the support that she needs.
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Wow, that’s a really interesting study. Thanks for posting the link!
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Published by an organization with this agenda:
Our current work focuses on four goals.
To increase the proportion of children growing up with their two married parents.
To renew the ethic of thrift and replace the culture of debt and waste.
To help turn the intellectual tide against extremism in the Arab and Muslim world.
To improve and civilize our public conversation.
You can hardly expect it to be neutral and unbiased.
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You are more than welcome to present research which shows an alternative perspective.
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Strengths of the paper you cite: At least one of the authors (I didn’t look at more than one) has previously written peer reviewed articles in the same field.
Weaknesses of the paper you cite: It is not peer reviewed.
A search on google scholar found this paper (which cites the one you mention)
http://sf.oxfordjournals.org/content/84/1/451.short
It appears to be a direct response/refutation to the paper you mention and has been published in a peer reviewed journal. So I believe it over the paper you linked to.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00396.x/full
The above paper indicates that divorcees in high conflict marriages had their happiness increase while divorcees in low conflict marriages were not any happier. This paper may be a better one to use as an argument that JD should not be getting a divorce, but I would point out that the average person does not exist. JD and Kris are free to do better or can do worse than what the average indicates.
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Quote from C.S. Lewis, take from it what you may…
What we call “being in love” is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us … It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last; principles can last; habits can last, but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from “being in love” is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit, reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parties ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other, as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.
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Sad. Sad. Sad. I feel for both of you but especially Kris since this was not her choice. Please understand that being friends may not come very naturally for her given the wide range of negative emotions she is likely going through now. While being “friends” may be desireable and extremely evolved/self-actualized, it doesn’t sound realistic in the short-term. She is going to need to separate her needs from yours as you’ve alredy done. I think the goal of civilized and respectful would actually be quite healthy in these situations.
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She won’t give you a divorce until you find affordable health insurance? You’re going to be married a long time. I’m a successful small business owner who has for 15 years been trying to find affordable health insurance and disability backup (to pay your premiums when you are too sick to work). Right now the cheapest I can find for my husband and I has a $5,000 (annual) deductible for each of us and when we add in the disability coverage the cost comes to $1,250 per month – thus $15,000 per year. We have no health problems. Maybe you should just live apart and stay on her insurance. Wishing you both the best.
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Is that a small business plan? Might be more expensive to get a business policy than an individual policy. Plus it depends on what state you are in cause state rules and insurance systems vary.
I just got a quote for a HSA / HDHP policy covering a 40 year old man in Oregon with a $6000 deductible, 0% coinsurance for about $200 per month. Other dozens of other plans with various deductibles and terms ranging in price from $66 to $409 a month.
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Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, hang in there! And please just ignore the more negative readers, no reason to take that kind of thing seriously.
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JD – so sorry to hear the news. I’m glad you’ll both be seeking counselling, which my husband and I did during a rough spot in our marriage and now we’re looking at 30 years of marriage by year-end. No matter how it works out, you both have my best wishes. I think it’s even harder when you’re “webrities” or whatever you want to call web celebrities! I wouldn’t have wanted to have my personal life publicly commented on but I completely understand why you needed to let your readership know – it totally affects what you blog about.
Kudos to both of you for your fortitude and best wishes for charting your future course.
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Like the rest, I was surprised at how sad I was to read this post. And as another said, it’s in large part due to the fact that out here in the interwebs and our various parts of the country or world, we stop in once a day to catch up, and our assumption that you and Kris were pretty solid was just flipped on its head all of a sudden.
One more inducement to try counseling (couples and individual) before officially pulling the plug (if you haven’t tried already) is that after some real serious effort and trying with the help of someone who isn’t emotionally invested in your relationship and is therefore only trying to help you two figure out what you really ought to be doing–if after that you still feel like this marriage isn’t for you, then you can know that you did absolutely everything you could have before it ended, and you can hold your heads a little higher. Knowing you tried, REALLY tried, helps with the healing.
I’m being married soon (like, in a week in a half!) and this encourages me to make sure my almost-husband and I commit to “marriage maintenance” which we’ve discussed before. A car won’t run forever if you never even change the oil. You have to tune-up, take it to the shop, keep gas in the tank, and run it through a car wash occasionally, and insure that baby if you ever get in a crash. However, I was engaged once before and my then fiance called it off a few months before the wedding would have taken place. We’re relatively friendly now (as in, “Happy birthday” texts–sometimes, and the rare “knew you’d like this article” forwards) but there was a complete break that had to take place first. As long as he continued to talk to me, and was so caring in handling things however I wanted (like you’re letting Kris do), I was sure he’d come around. “How can be this attentive to me and still not want to be with me? He obviously cares! He just needs to remember that.” I went through the stages of being (I thought) mature and understanding, then depressed and mopey, then a little aggravated and not so inclined to take his phone call, then pissed off. “What did that asshole propose to me for if he didn’t even want to marry me?! He never really gave a crap about my interests, unless they were his interests too! What a selfish shit!” You get the idea. You have to let Kris get pissed (if that’s her style–it happens to most but not all women in a break up) and then get beyond being angry and hurt, before she can approach you from a place of, “Well, alright. So you broke my heart. But I can see now I’ll be okay, and I guess I don’t hate your guts, so we can catch up over dinner some time.” And then maybe friendship. For your sake, and hers, I hope its easier than that, because that takes a long time.
Now more to the point of your telling us this information. While your life doesn’t match mine, I’m very curious to see how things change for you as you learn to be completely independent again (again? for the first time?). What financial struggles you find yourself dealing with, and what perhaps has been surprisingly easy for you. (Maybe it turns out you love to shop for your own supplies now.) I’m sure I can learn from your new experiences and insights in some way.
Whatever happens, best of luck to Kris and to you. I’ll be here to follow your journey, wherever it takes you.
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Personally, I loved living by myself (though I’ve happily traded it to live with my fiance). I mean, I LOVED it. I can see how it can be intimidating if you’ve never done it. You’ll find yourself surprised at all the little things that used to seem to take care of themselves that actually don’t. New toilet paper rolls don’t magically jump on the tp holder, and kitchen counters aren’t self-cleaning after you’ve cooked dinner, etc. And obviously, laundry still needs to be done! And you’ll find yourself missing having company at times (speaking in general–no more marriage comments!) But if you enjoy your own company, as you must, if you’re willing to travel solo, then I think you’ll come to (mostly) enjoy it. Tip: When living alone sucks the most, besides when you’re bored or lonely, is when you’re sick! That’s when you definitely need friends or family you can call on. Make sure you have that network and someone you know you can call when you need them! And beware falling into a spending trap because you’re lonely and/or adjusting to single life. “I just need to get out of the house…” easily leads to wandering into comforting old haunts (that you somehow leave with a bag full of stuff.) It’s an easy one to fall in to.
Again, all the best to Kris and you, and I look forward to seeing how this affects your personal finances and your perception of them.
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So sorry to hear this JD. It sounds like you are handling this as well as can be expected. Thinking of you and sending good energy your way. It’ll all turn out, even if it’s very hard right now.
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This post brings back bad memories for me–my husband of twenty years telling me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. And then the jerk wasn’t man enough to do the filing; I had to do it after several months of living in a fog. Then he had the nerve to whine that he was “losing his best friend.” Yeah, right. That was thirteen years ago. As my sister would put it, “with friends like that, who needs friends?” I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I’ve never wished him ill, but there’s no way that my ex could ever have been my friend.
J.D., telling Kris that you wanted a divorce was cruel, regardless of whether or not you wanted it to be. Ask yourself: would you want to remain friends with someone who treated YOU so badly? If you care for Kris at all, don’t encourage her to remain your friend. For her sake, not yours.
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JD I found my health insurance provider through http://www.ehealthinsurance.com You get a bunch of results and you can compare without buying right now. Also try Zander Insurance. http://www.zanderins.com
I don’t work for them, but there are many affordable plans on ehealthinsurance. I’m not a smoker so my plan was affordable. I saw every sort of plan, for as low as $38 to as high as $300/month. Something is better than nothing.
I’ve been really interested in this post the past 2 days, everyone has so many opinions, and advice, its just really weird to see one of your favorite bloggers divorce. I’ve had many conflicting feelings about this post and your divorce.
One thing I still don’t understand is why did you do this before the holidays? I just don’t get it, why didn’t you do it around early Autumn or late summer? Or did you just move out around the holidays?
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I’ve used ehealthinsurance before myself. They have a lot of providers in our state and pretty competitive rates. Its a pretty good site to quickly compare health insurance options.
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I’m very sorry to hear of your divorce. On reflection, the seeds of division have been showing in your blog for some time. I have appreciated your advice and your blog, but I will no longer be reading. I appreciate that you have started to take a more giving approach to your money, but I think this new action has shown how much you are only focused on yourself and your needs. Your money choices and life actions no longer help me see how to be better. Best of luck going forward.
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“Please, my friends, always remember that true wealth has nothing to do with money. True wealth is built from friends and family, from experiences and relationships — it is derived from a life filled with meaning. Without these things, money means nothing. Do me a favor this week, and spend some time with the people you love.” J.D. Roth
QED
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How long ago was that quoted from?
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The quote is from the conclusion of the post of JD’s reaction to Sparky’s passing.
The original post doesn’t say anything about suicide, just that Sparky passed. Re-reading that, knowing it was suicide instead of a sudden aneurysm or being hit by a bus, brings questions to mind. If it was unexpected then Spark wasn’t ill, wasn’t suffering physically (granted, chemical imbalances in the brain are physical, but hard to spot).
But emotionally? Despite all the money he saved, the experiences he’d had, and his friendship with JD (the only relationship we as readers know about).
The original lesson of that post was to live life to its fullest, the way Sparky did, because you never know when your end might come. But Sparky did know when his end would come.
I’m rambling now so I’ll stop. I’m just confused.
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You sold your blog 4 months ago and never told us? If this is true then I am truly hurt J.D. I’ve been following your blog for years. In fact during a recent attempt to control my inbox I unsubscribed from all blogs except yours and Frugal Girl’s blog (the two I couldn’t stand to miss a post). I can understand not being allowed to disclose details, but not telling us you sold your blog 4 months ago?? Please tell me this isn’t true.
And then to make it worse you’re divorcing Kris? And she doesn’t want a divorce? None of this sounds like the J.D. I’ve admired for so long. Of course it’s silly to feel this way since I don’t even really know you, but honestly, I feel both deeply concerned for your well being and future (please please agree to marriage counselling, if only for Kris’ sake), and I feel like you’ve let us (your internet friends) down by not sticking to the values you seemed to espouse. It’s because we care for you J.D. that we are all taking the time to post (and wow have there been some good ones).
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In regards to the trip to Argentina, you speak of staying home and Kris going alone, but maybe she doesn’t want to travel alone. Perhaps the most honorable thing would be to offer to pay for another friend to go with Kris.
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Man, we depressive types make life hard on ourselves don’t we JD? If you’re not tired of total strangers sharing their stories, here’s mine.
I’ve always seen a lot of myself in your writing. I’m restless too, always searching for something. I find long periods of happiness hard to come by, contentment even harder.
I ended a 12-year marriage several years ago when I was 39. I won’t go into the details but there was no crisis, no adultery, addiction or abuse. I suppose it boiled down to feeling like we’d grown apart and weren’t the best versions of the people that we could be while married to one another. He didn’t understand or agree, and it was a very hard couple of years while we untangled ourselves and tried to come up with a new relationship. I had a vision of what that should be like that never quite came to fruition.
Fast forward to today: I’m not unhappy now; in fact, I’m exactly the same level of happy (not very most of the time, but not miserable) I was when I was married. Leaving the marriage made me feel changed and purposeful for awhile but eventually I leveled back. I still feel like something is just around the corner but I’m somehow missing it. My ex is also just as happy as he ever was; which is to say, much more so than me. He always had a higher capability for contentment than I do and the divorce didn’t rob him of that. But he’s not my best friend anymore. And I have found, after living on my own for almost four years, that I undervalued the comfort of having a partner: that person who knew you when you were young, who plans to grow old with you, and has your back when it matters. Sometimes when I travel and the plane lands, I look around at everyone pulling out their cellphone and realize, there’s no one who can’t wait till I get off the plane to hear from me. I’m not staying I should have stayed, but I now longer think leaving was my only option. I hope, after all this, you and Kris end up with a better outcome than just a different version of your status quo.
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I found this comment interesting because it really seemed to be congruent with the prevailing research on happiness.
I don’t have the exact citation at the moment, but from what I’ve read and heard about happiness research, people are not very good at telling what will make them happy. That is, they think they want/need X or Y and that will make them happier, but if it does at all, it is not sustained. The collection of research suggests that people generally have a happiness “set point” that they will tend to hover back to over time regardless of any acute events that might change their happiness level temporarily.
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Cameron,
There have been many thoughtful replies on this thread but yours has really stood out to me. Thank you for taking the time to post and share your experience.
Sara
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I love this comment, Cameron. I mean, it breaks my heart… but oh does it ring true. There was definitely a depressive element to my break up as well. It began with my ex and wormed its way over to me – how could it not when the love of your life threatens to leave you for months on end? And what a feedback loop that was – he saw the anguish he was causing me, which made him want to leave all the more, which made me more depressed, and on and on until we couldn’t pull ourselves out.
J.D., I’m glad my story spoke to you. I wanted to clarify a point, in case there was ambiguity. While I AM happy day to day now and could not be drawn from the family and life I have created since my break up long ago, let there be no doubt that I have been permanently wounded. To love from afar is the definition of bittersweet. If you are truly leaving Kris because you think her life will be better without you, and she disagrees, please consider other alternatives. What probably would have been best for us would have been a trial of true separation (e.g. no contact for at least 6 months), where we could both get our heads above water, work on rebuilding self-confidence, and contemplate what life would be like without each other. Not easy, but better than closing the door on reconciliation, which is what you are doing now, although you might not believe so.
Again, peace to you both.
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I wish both of you tremendous happiness and fulfillment in your respective futures. Been reading this blog for so many years that I feel like I’m in a one sided window. I’ve had a glimpse into your lives from the outside. I think it shows a lot of courage to let the public in on your situation. Certainly one thing positive that will come from this is a new insight to a common financial dilemma: divorce.
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I’m so sorry to hear that you’re getting a divorce, but I’m happy to hear that it’s amicable and that you and Kris will remain friends. Best of luck, J.D., and let us know how we can help you.
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If Kris doesn’t want it, it is not amicable by definition. It may not be hostile but it is not amicable – whatever JD may want.
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I was showing my wife the “Little House Big House” post and we started watching the video about happiness you linked from there. It’s this one:
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html
After watching I realized you got the point of the video completely backwards. I think you just watched the beginning and reached the wrong conclusions.
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Fascinating! Thanks for the link. Completely revolutionary compared with the typical party line.
And in some way it suggests we are born to be happy if we’d just let ourselves be so. No special book, course, trip, conference or activity required.
The quote from Adam Smith was particularly poignant for me!
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I agree. An excellent TED talk. Worth the watch. Thank you for the link. JD might do well to take the message to heart.
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Hi, JD
I’m very sad to hear about your divorce. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you and Kris are able to get through this difficult time with a minimum of pain.
I’m also in the process of going through a divorce. In my case, my wife of 11 years announced she was divorcing me. As I’ve learned more about my ex-wife’s behaviour (both before and after her announcement) I’ve moved from feelings of hurt and pain to feelings of anger and outright hatred. I truly hope that you treat Kris with respect and consider her feelings as you move through this process if you want to keep her in your life at all in the future.
As to the selling of the blog, I have enjoyed reading it over the 2 years, and have faith in your ability to keep it a great place to visit, even if it has to evolve a bit. I do fear that as you grow and become more interested in the problems and opportunities of the financially independent, you may lose interest in this blog as you grow other projects. I’ll be very sad if this site devolves into just another ‘MSN money’ clone like so many financial sites. You’ve certainly earned my trust by maintaining a great site over the last few years though, so I will remain cautiously optimistic.
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JD, I have never been to your site until today and read all of the comments. So many people chiming in, mostly trying to help by sharing their thoughts and experiences. Have you ever thought that so much of what we do is shaped by societal norms? We are socially conditioned to want to meet that special someone, get married, have children, etc. BUT, we are also socially conditioned to leave partners when things are not working out well, get new living spaces, and start a new life, many times with a new partner. I am not saying no one should ever get a divorce. I am saying it might be worthwhile for people (you too) to try to think about how choices that may seem very heartfelt are really prompted by social norms. I agree with the others who suggested a prolonged separation, counseling and some (additional) soul searching before taking such a drastic step.
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Okay I’m not divorced and instead am married, but I *have* been dumped twice before, leaving me brokenhearted. Both times I felt like they were my best friends and I really wished I could still maintain that friendship.
Guy no. 1 cut me off completely. He was civil, but he didn’t make it a point to phone me up, never said he’d always be my friend. At that point, I thought he was cruel for just leaving me down with nothing.
Guy no. 2 did the opposite; he said we could still be friends if I wanted that. I thought I could be friends, but that situation is so unrealistic. If he were really just another one of my guy buddies, I wouldn’t get jealous, I wouldn’t care if he didn’t call for two weeks, he wouldn’t know me inside and out. No, I wanted more than a friendship, and the break-up extended for years of pain for me where I wasn’t able to move on. How difficult it was that the one person I wanted the most was sitting right next to me, and I couldn’t have him.
In hindsight, guy no. 1 did what was best for me because he let me go and allowed me to move on without holding me back. Guy no. 2 held me back tremendously and hurt me so much more because of the friendship we were hoping to maintain.
Now, I’m not friends with either of them, which if you had told me that back then, I would have cried and wallowed about for a bit. “How can I *not* be friends with you?” I couldn’t imagine a life without being friends with them. But hey, I’m living it now, and living it for the better. I also think that they are happy where they are in their life without me as well.
As for your divorce, it’s no easy thing I can imagine, and best of luck to you!
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You are so right! I feel as if I have wasted 8+ valuable years of my life trying to get over 2 exes (one a husband & one a boyfriend) and “trying” to remain friends after the fact. So not worth it.
I have read all of the comments this week as this has played out. I empathize with Kris. I am a little disappointed in JD but at the same time…in the big scheme of things…NONE OF THIS IS MY BUSINESS and I really don’t know all the details so it’s not for me to judge.
And yet again I am reminded that Nothing Is Forever….
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My comment is not intended to pass judgement; it only caused me to wonder about things.
I followed the link in today’s article regarding the three questions, and it took me to an article posted on February 15th, 2009. In it, J.D., you said “And if I only had a day left? I’d miss not having traveled with Kris, not having spent more time with her.”
As I said, I don’t mean to judge, but this passage caught my eye. I don’t expect a reply, as in, it’s not my place to expect it. But I only wonder what happened in the intervening three years, since it seems that you and your wife had such a good, mutually beneficial relationship. Part of the angst that had been directed your way might be the result of others thinking, Wow, if it could happen to J.D. and Kris, then it could happen to me, too.
In any case, I enjoy reading the blog and wish you both well.
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As someone said earlier, what we see/read of JD is the “character” of “JD Roth” that he has created.
That’s not to say he has not had love for Kris, and warm feelings, but when you write for a living, I think you tend to write things that are tied with a neat little bow.
And of course you can say things in (or write things about) a relationship that are the “right” things, but you might not feel them passionately or with a full heart. It might be something you don’t even realize at the time.
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This is totally out of left field, sparked by what Sheri posted. Perhaps Kris had been retincent in those days about travelling and other dreams. Perhaps she refused those dreams, even in derision, because she was the stable one, and you were the dreamer with the debt.
It looks like now you, JD, are in a position to realize your dreams, and Kris is the one who once said no.
But have you asked her again? And again? And again since the sale, since that seems to have changed the goalposts? Has she had the time to integrate those changes into her own life?
I don’t remember who said this, but I too died a little in my soul when my ex left me.
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Very sad news. As others have said, i feel for Kris and agree that in my experience, “being friends” only drags it out and causes more pain. In what i have seen from friends, i also think that if the person being left still thinks there is a chance for the relationship, the best way to find out is to cut the leaver off, cold turkey. If he is making a mistake, he will figure it out as the reality of no more Kris sinks in. Dragging it out as friends will only cause more discord in the long run and likely destroy any chance of getting back together.
JD may or may not be doing the right thing. What he has revealed indicates a huge mistake in the making, but there could certainly be serious issues that he left out. In any case, i think that while it seems harsh, all of these commenters have ultimately done him a service by giving him a pretty blunt wakeup call and plenty of food for thought. If he chooses to proceed and ultimately regrets it, it will not be for lack of good advice.
While i am sure this is heartbreaking for Kris, if she is half the woman JD portrayed her as, she will be fine. I suspect that there are already a couple of men in her social circle whose ears perked when they heard of her impending divorce. Hopefully she will find one who is already past his midlife crisis.
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So I just did some online digging and found out that GRS might have been sold for at least a million…
http://www.doughroller.net/make-money/list-of-personal-finance-blogs-that-have-sold-for-1-million-or-more/
I’m guessing that GRS had to be sold for more than $500,000. I’m guessing that the sale of GRS has made JD a millionaire and while I have nothing against the affluent, it really makes me wonder if GRS will be better off under a corporate umbrella?
I’m happy that you’re succeeding JD, congrats, I like it when people succeed but it does make me wonder if things will change entirely around here, and if the sale of GRS had anything to do with you leaving your wife.
My favorite posts about GRS are of you finding yourself out of debt, talking about your wife, your relationship with your family, you sharing your personal life really made this blog human and not cold. One of my favorite posts was about how Kris had been saving and that she planned to retire in her 50s.
Plus it was fun reading about Rosings Parks, and your neighbor the multimillionaire who tried encouraging you to keep on going, and how you went to visit him in Alaska or wherever he was vacationing. It was those personal posts that made GRS great.
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Interesting to see how many PF blogs Quinstreet has been acquiring over the last two years. GRS, Five Cent Nickel, Consumerism Commentary…I kind of wish someone would do a story on them.
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I would like to hear about the sale of GRS, because honestly its all becoming a little too much.
First you ask for a divorce, then you sell GRS, and the worst part is hearing about it from the comments section. Anyway it would be nice to hear why you sold it.
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Never thought I’d be this saddened by a situation that’s removed from me, but since you (and Kris) have been part of my personal finance journey (and success), I’m kinda devastated. Almost as if my parents broke up.
Good luck and I hope you guys figure it all out.
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Like others, I too feel surprised and saddened by this announcement. I’m not one of those who saw it coming!
But JD, one thing I want to commend you on is your readers. I’ve read the first 300 or so comments and there were some very thoughtful and caring remarks in there. I’ve been contemplating the future of my own long term relationship and the feedback from your readers gave me a lot of food for thought. So thank you for a good blog. Even your divorce announcement and the ensuing comments had educational value for some of us.
My thoughts are with you and Kris, even though I don’t know you in real life. You both seem like good people and I wish you peace and healing in this difficult time. May you both be happy again, whether that’s together or apart.
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For Kris – Read “This is not the Story you think it is” by Laura Munson.
It may not in fact apply, but it’s a useful, insightful point of view that MIGHT be helpful.
You are in my prayers.
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One more comment and then I promise I’ll shut up.
In my experience, with couples who have chosen to remain childless, it’s generally one of them encouraging the other. In my experience it’s rare that both feel strongly about it.
I am upset that in one or two or five or 10 or 20 or 30 years, you can change your mind and have a child. If Kris changes her mind, she can’t.
I find that really upsetting. My DH left his ex when she was 37 because he desperately wanted kids and she didn’t. He said he preferred to leave her when she could still change her mind.
She did eventually, but by then it was too late. We are still very close to her, she is part of our family.
Like I said, I’ll shut up now.
She is our son’s godmother.
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Fairly speculative of you…”In my experience” means “the X number of people I know who don’t have kids.” Well, in MY experience the folks who don’t have kids DID both feel strongly about it.
So who’s right?
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Ditto. The two couples I know who don’t want kids feel strongly.
In society, not wanting kids is still the oddity. The expectation is still that people want to marry to have kids.
So chances are still higher that people who don’t feel strongly will end up having kids than the other way around.
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Either both of us, or neither. Fair enough Donna. As I stated, I was speaking from my own (limited) experience. There is no “right” answer here, it seems to me.
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Just wanted to add that I’m another person who uses “Childfree by choice”. I never liked childless because it assumes that I’m somehow “less” without children. If I leave it at “without children” I would get the rude remarks about fertility treatments. My husband and I both felt strongly about not having kids when we met. I would not have married him otherwise.
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To be candid, I find Donna’s constant banter with commenters to be mildly irritating and inappropriate. Even on her posts, out of 100 comments – thirty may actually be Donna responding to posters and being contentious with people who don’t agree with her. As a long time GRS reader, I think its strength is in its community. I like how the commentary is varied and interesting – the topic grows organically. Frequent interjections from the post’s author interrupt the natural flow of the commentary and are unnecessary, usually adding little to conversation. Her authoritative forebodings are irksome.
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I don’t think I’m “contentious” with people who don’t agree with me. (Of course, that sounds contentious all by itself…) I just state why I feel the way I do and the reader has the choice to agree or snort in derision.
In this thread I do sound cranky — but that’s because some of the speculation is pretty bizarre.
As for “constant banter,” the whole point of a comments section is to foment dialogue. I’m just adding my voice to the chorus. Additionally, at times I’ll comment in direct response to questions/speculations.
And as always, you have the right to continue to find me mildly irritating and inappropriate. But you’re wrong. (Kidding!)
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the term for people who chose not to have kids is childfree, not childless
Personally not calling it childfree reveils how little you understand about people ‘s choices.
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It’s true that most of the people I know have chosen to have children. I don’t live in the US anymore (although I’m American) and I have never heard the term “childfree” before. Language changes all the time and as an expat I am not necessarily familiar with every new term.
I’m sorry that I did not use the term “childfree”, I agree that it’s a much better word. I’m truly sorry if I caused any offense.
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‘childfree’ is a horrible term.
But ‘childfree’ implies children are some horrible thing you need to be free from. Like saying debt-free, lice-free etc…
No one I know uses it and I have lots of friends who have chosen not to have children. They simply say I/we don’t have children.
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For some people, children IS something they need to keep free from. Not that children is horrible in itself, just maybe horrible for people who don’t have it in them to be parents or the people who would make awful, abusive, parents. As a CASA, I see it all the time- people who should have adopted the “childfree” lifestyle/choice.
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@Anne childfree is a pretty commonly used term in the circles I know of.
Of course there are a lot of people in the “childfree” communities who *do* think children are horrible and something to be free of.
There’s also childfree by choice, which denotes more of a – I/we like kids, we just don’t have any rather than “we don’t like kids”.
Of course there’s a still a stigma for women who don’t want to have children for whatever reason and I can say it sucks to have your decisions constantly questioned. This happens to me “I don’t have kids” “Oh I’m sure you’ll have some!” “No, I don’t want kids” “But! Kids are wonderful/amazing/there’s nothing better than motherhood!”
Or my very least favorite – being it’s told it’s selfish I don’t want kids. I never could understand why not wanting kids was selfish.
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The stigma particularly sucks when the people questioning your decision hold your life in their hands.
I was reminded of this essay I read before, from a woman who didn’t want children but whose doctors ignored her.
http://feministphilosophers.wordpress.com/2011/11/30/on-becoming-infertile-part-1/
“Expectations about what families should look like are harmful. They stigmatize families that fall outside the white-picket-fence idyll. And they make life harder for people in situations that are already perfectly hard enough.”
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In *my* experience, plenty of couples that choose to have kids it was one spouse encouraging the other. In my social cohort, I would say it is 50/50 – half of the couples I know with kids both wanted them, half had at least one spouse that would just as soon have remained childfree. So, what is worse? Forcing someone to be childless that wanted one, or forcing someone to parent a child they never wanted?
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I am not pointing my finger at you both but I believe your sex life was not good. Maybe it never was. Sorry , but nobody divorces a loving sexual partner.
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I agree. I know it might be rude to theorize, but I noticed this long before the divorce post — JD was always warm towards Kris, but never had the hots. If you re-read old posts, there is a platonic vibe that was apparent even back then.
I’ve been with my partner for six years and still have the hots. It gets us over rough spots, no doubt. I never truly lusted for my last partner despite being together for twelve years! Respect, yes. Caring, yes. But sexual attraction does so much for a relationship! Even when I’m irritated or we disagree there is a spark that won’t die. I never thought I’d get so lucky, to have the hots for someone that I also love to just hang out with.
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Its hard not to wonder why he wants a divorce esp. when he won’t share any more details. My hope is that they will each go to individual and couples counseling before they decide to officially divorce. Its probably best if he doesn’t share his private life anymore.
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News flash: It IS rude to theorize. Their sex life is nobody’s business.
And try looking at it this way: J.D. wrote about Kris in a loving and respectful way, and saved “the hots” for their real life vs. giving TMI to the reading public.
Seriously, folks. Why this need to assign some sort of blame?
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@Emma: How do you know that “nobody divorces a loving sexual partner”?
People can love each other and have a good sex life when they marry. But if they grow and change in different directions, a breakup may occur some years down the road.
Or it could be a simple case of “the kind of life I want now is not the life I could ever have envisioned in my early 20s.”
Again: Nobody’s business but the two folks involved.
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If you think a great sex life is the (only) glue that holds a marriage together, you’re in for a world of hurt.
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Hmm, I replied to Donna but the comment didn’t post.
@Carla — I never said it was the only glue. Just that it’s important. With my current partner I have love, respect, deep caring, and also…the hots. Comparing to a past relationship where I only had the first three — it’s night and day.
Thanks for your concern, however misplaced.
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What do “the hots” stem from?
When the boyfriend gained weight it definitely killed my sexy for him. Is “the hots” as easily lost as that?
Is “the hots” something that needs nurturing and care just like any other aspect of a relationship, or is it always there and if you don’t have it should you just move on?
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Hey Emma, want to go out sometime??
Everybody needs to chill out…
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I’ve been reading your blog for years; not right from the start, but most of the time this site existed. I started reading sporadically when finishing High School and you guided me through College, helping me to avoid mistakes and planning my financial future. Thanks to you I know much more about personal finance than many people my age, and through your blog I found others who inspired me, and I like that the staff writers and guest posts give insights to other questions that I might be facing soon.
Even though I mostly only read the posts as they appear in my RSS reader, this was one of the rare posts I read the comments, and I even went through all of the 500+ comments, hoping to get more information, to be able to understand why you took this step, as I was shocked to hear that.
And guess what? I don’t think any more you owe me (or any other reader) an explanation. Only by going through these comments and your answers to some of them I found out that Sparky’s death was not an accident but suicide, that you sold your blog, and by reading this I realised that there must be much more going on behind the scenes we readers don’t know about. It’s your private life, and you should keep it exactly that: private. Only because you shared so much of your life over the past years that we think we know you that doesn’t mean that we really know you that well to judge you.
I’m really sorry for all that judgemental comments you received. I can’t offer you any advice, so I just wish you all the best, both of you. I will keep reading your blog to know how your story will continue.
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I was sorry to read about this J.D. I’m coming late to the party, but saw your post days after I got back into town from a trip, and then mulled over things for a while.
I am in a similar situation, in that I asked my husband for a divorce over the summer – although we’d been together for ten years.
There was no major precipitating factor, it was just something that I needed to do. It’s taken time, and there were several months that were horrible, but at this point, I’m happy with my decision.
It’s frustrating to me that (like here) so many people insist that I should get counseling, or act like I hadn’t tried to figure out how to make things work. Sometimes, when things are broken, even if it’s not in an obvious way or dramatic way, they just can’t be fixed.
In my case, my ex and I are remaining friends. We work together on a daily basis. We have a business together. Neither of us want to give that up. The physical separation that occurred when he moved out helped quite a bit – and we still talk, and bounce ideas off each other, and have meals together. Your relationship can be whatever the two of you decide it can be – despite what many of the people here seem to be saying.
Thank you for sharing with us, although I’m sorry that I’ll be reading blogs in the future that are applicable to my life (if that makes sense). I wish you and Kris the best.
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Hi J.D.,
I somehow missed this post last week — all I want to say is that you both are in my thoughts and prayers. Even though we don’t really know each other in real life, the Internet provides a unique reader-blogger bond (and in this case, a unique reader-blogger’s wife bond). I suppose it’s a virtual relationship in its own way.
Take care of yourselves — both of you.
Michelle
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I’m sorry to hear about the divorce. I think JD is making a big mistake and once the divorce is final, Kris should make a clean break. No vacations together and no hanging out.
I am wondering if Kris has her own blog, I would like to follow it.
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At some point in the future when you’re both healed and are able to speak openly and objectively about it, I’d like to see a post about the financial implications of divorce. I’ve told my high school students that the two life changes that affect your financial future the most are 1) having a child–even if you never marry the other parent, and 2) divorce. Even with no children involved, going from one household to two is definitely more expensive, and if there are children involved, child support is a long-term commitment.
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WOW… haven’t been as dedicated a follower as I used to be which is why I just saw this today, and spent half the day reading these comments. I echo the sadness most of all and wish the best for both JD and Kris, as well as their “real life” friends and family who are mourning with them. I can’t imagine 1) going through this scenario and 2) doing it so publicly. Thanks to both of you for sharing. And thanks to the many posters who shared their own very personal stories of similar experiences. I really am feeling for Kris.
I stumbled across this news (though it wasn’t that surprising to me, just sad) via the “other” big, 5+ year old personal finance blog by a male author who recently posted openly about his own selling of the blog, final debt freedom, and credit and love he gives to his family and especially his wife for getting him to this point, as well as dedication to following a mutually fulfilling path from here. I always favored GRS over TSD for many many reasons. I will continue to be a regular reader here but my formerly clear preference for this site over the other has been graying and blurring recently.
And just to throw in a plug for the “new generation” of PF bloggers, my absolute favorite right now is Mr. Money Mustache!
I loved the conversation toward the end about the “hots”, I needed the LOL…
Whether I like it or not -since I only know you as the “characters” of JD and Kris and you don’t know me at all- you both will be in my thoughts.
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I have read through these comments a lot and am going through a similar situation in my own life. I feel very much like what I think JD feels like in his situation (or at least these comments are hitting very close to home). I’ve been doing a lot of reading/thinking about my own situation, and came across this book, called “I love you, but Im not in love with you” by Andrew Marshall. I think I am going to read it – it sounds interesting and like it can offer some insight.
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I stumbled through this news. Sad of course, and I don’t know why he’s doing it (i’ve read his “no-causality” protestations) but well, let’s keep it real peeps: mid-life + new-found $$ + hot new bod? Surprise?
I second the earlier commenter: Give it 6 months for some new chick to surface whom he just happened to meet ‘after the divorce.’
At least Kris wasn’t dying of cancer or just diagnosed with MS like the cases of our politician role models.
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