Let Go of the Spatula: Reconsidering Wedding Registries
Published on - February 1st, 2012 (by Tim Sullivan) This post is from staff writer Tim Sullivan.
My brother, my best friend, and my girlfriend’s sister are all getting married in the upcoming year, so I’ve heard a lot about wedding registries lately, and there seem to be many pros and cons. Personally, one of my least favorite things in life is going to Crate and Barrel, walking around with my scanner gun, and seeing that the only things that fit into my price range are wooden spatulas and the saucers to espresso cups (the cups already purchased). “Congrats on your everlasting love. Here’s a steamer basket.” I’ve always thought there has to be an alternative.
Here are two numbers I found interesting:
- In 2010, 1.5 million engaged couples, or 88% of all couples with pending nuptials, set up a registry, according to the Knot Market Intelligence annual wedding registry survey.
- According to research by the University of Denver, more than 70% of couples getting married are living together before the wedding.
Okay, so 70% of engaged couples are living together, and 88% of engaged couples are registering. According to the survey, more than 90% of registered items are bakeware and kitchen appliances. Here’s my question: Those couples that are living together, do they not have spatulas, steamer baskets, and toaster ovens yet? Is their apartment filled with mismatched plates and saucers and an uneven fork-to-spoon ratio? Do they not already blend their own smoothies?
The point I’m trying to make is that the majority of couples are living together, and I assume they have a functional household complete with everything they need. As for the couples who aren’t living together, it’s rare to have someone move out of their parents’ house and into the house of their betrothed. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median marriage age in 2010 was 28.2 years old for men and 26.1 for women. In the 1960s, it was 22.8 years old for men and 20.3 for women. Compared with our parents’ generation, the 30% of currently engaged couples not living together have an extra six years to accumulate not one, but two sets of IKEA kitchen starter sets and warped cookie sheets.
Apparently, I’m somewhat alone in this thinking.
Things you wouldn’t buy yourself
My brother brought up that he would never buy a $500 blender, but it’d be nice to receive it as a gift. Perhaps then a registry is a collection of things you’d never buy yourself. I know that GRS readers are impossible to generalize, but I can’t help but think that if we’re itching for a Vitamix, most of us would forgo the $599 one from Crate and Barrel and substitute in the $499 one off Amazon listed “like new” (or better yet, chose a different Vitamix then the currently hip 500 professional series and get whatever Vitamix was hip last year, for half the price). We’re conscious about where our money goes, and I’d like to take into account my friends’ money, as well. (I don’t mean that literally…at least, I think I don’t.)
I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind and leave yourself open to getting a bunch of gifts that don’t fit your tastes, but if you’re looking for something that doesn’t come from Macy’s, there are other options for registries. In my continuing conversations about registries with those closest to me, I’ve come up with a list of a few fun suggestions:
- The Honeymoon Registry. Okay, this one has been gaining a lot of steam in recent years. Websites like honeymoonwishes.com or honeyluna.com provide an easy way for guests to help a couple afford a honeymoon. What’s in it for the gift giver? Whether it’s chipping in for the hotel room or scuba equipment for a coral reef adventure, you can be assured that you’ll be investing in memorable experiences, as opposed to another turkey baster.
- Big Ticket Items. My best friend and his fiancée were looking at their 500-square-foot Brooklyn apartment and couldn’t bring themselves to fill it with more Stuff. They decided to register for big-ticket items. I’ve seen couples register for anything from new cars to a new mattress, each attendee pitching in a portion. Sites like My Dream Home Registry make it easy.
- Give to Charities. I’ve talked to couples that want friends and family to simply attend the wedding, not worry about buying the perfect gift. A good alternative is to pick favorite charities for your friends to make donations in your name. Justgive.org has a wedding registry section that’s easy to navigate and not only celebrates love, but generosity. (That’s their line, not mine.)
- Do It All. I have to admit, I love this couple’s wedding site. Cheri and David were getting married and moving to France. The site had all the wedding info and R.S.V.P. forms, but it also had their registry. They decided their tastes didn’t fit into one store (and definitely not into a suitcase). They put together a list of things, some objects (everything from one-of-a-kind antiques to easy-to-find box store items), some services (such as Internet for their first three months in Paris or passes for Velib, Paris’ citywide bike rental system), and some high-ticket items (trip to Japan or a new dining room table.). You could choose to contribute to an item and that item would be marked off the list. What’s even more exciting is that Cheri and David’s idea was so popular that they started their own registry site, Merci Registry, and where couples can create their own blend of small boutique items, handmade artist goodies, and travel desires.
Weddings truly are big business and even creative couples who try to circumvent some of the higher costs of the big day itself often fall short in their creativity for registries. Couples can create registries that are personalized without relying on the mainstream box stores.
And to my brother, I love you bro, but when you move four times in the next five years, I know it’s going to be me carrying that Vitamix up four flights of stairs.
What are your ideas for creative wedding registries? If you’re married, what did you like about your registry process, and what would you do differently?
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I say give $100 cash and let them choose what they need, rich or poor ($100 is my limit.)
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In terms of my spending values, I agree with you 100%. I do think it’s important to keep in mind, though, that some guests really want to give a tangible gift, for whatever reason. When my husband and I got married, we were super excited to suggest that one option, for those so inclined to give us a gift, would be a small CSA share at a local farm.,, Nobody went that route, though. I don’t think you should abandon your values in favor of those of your guests, but I think it’s reasonable to take them into account in providing options.
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I suppose this is cultural (possbily promoted by the department stores to begin with?) In India, guests give cash (you can buy fancy envelopes for this). There is usually a person or two from the families who keep track of this cash (can be quite a lot since weddings are so big). There used to be even a book kept of who gave what, so if you went to their wedding, you knew to give atleast that much =)
I think cash makes most sense anyway – give what you want and let the couple use it as they wish – less work for all involved.
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I saw once on a TV show (Ugly Betty I think) where at a wedding they had a small white mailbox with a slot in the top where people could drop cards with cash. I thought it was a really cute idea, especially if it was personalized for the specific couple with initials, etc.
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Most people I know who have weddings where cash is the common gift hired security and put the cash in a lock box.
Weddings can be targets for thieves.
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Even in India, we do have non-cash gifts from extended family. In our family, at most of the weddings, uncles and aunts pitch in for articles of silver, gold or household items like washing machines, fridges. But yes if you do not know what to get and the receiver is not clear on what to do get, cash is the most preferred form of gift!
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Yup, this is the case in Japan, as well. For weddings, funerals, retirement parties, holidays, etc, you are expected to bring money. Special, attractive envelopes are sold all over the place for this purpose.
I don’t know that it helps much, though. People spend so much money on these occasions that it’s a drop in the bucket. Moreover, they have to send gifts to the *guests* after the event, as well as giving party favors. So the guests are kind of paying for their own gifts.
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I got married a year or so ago, and although we had a standard registry, I think the best thing we did was also set up a honeymoon savings account through Smartypig.com. That way, anyone can contribute any amount, you avoid the big fees that they charge through regular honeymoon registries, and you get to use that money freely (obviously this service could be used to save for a down-payment, or car, or any of the big-ticket items you mention). Many of our friends prioritize travel, and they would rather contribute to our experience than just write a check, so it seemed like the best of both worlds.
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also, you can always not register at all. no registry, no registry alternatives, no nothing. these people are your friends; trust them! it worked wonderfully for us.
a few (two) people asked us what we wanted/needed. i told them dirt and sheetrock. one got us dirt (in the form of cash), the other sheetrock (in the form of a home depot card and a small piece of drywall). i couldn’t be happier with any object than i am with having complete walls in our house and a garden (two things we did not have before the wedding).
a number of people gave us cash and gift cards, all of which were *thoroughly* appreciated (and nearly funded the day-to-day stuff on our honeymoon, along with lots of much-needed home repair and a few small splurges).
we got some really wonderful *stuff* that we never could have asked for (mostly arty things).
and many people did not give us anything, which i *really* appreciate as well. because the whole point was to have our people *there*, and they were, and it couldn’t possibly have been better.
i guess what i’m saying is, i’m with miss manners on this! =)
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If the couple being married has everything they need and are frugal, there’s another option.
I had the pleasure of attending a wedding some years ago of a couple who had lived together for 20 years prior to deciding to tie the knot (we teased them mercilessly about “rushing into things”). Since they already had a household of stuff and weren’t interested in a fancy honeymoon, they did a potluck wedding. Invitees were specifically asked to bring a dish to share in lieu of a material gift. People who were on tight budgets were still able to bring something nice (my husband and I did a pan of homemade lasagna and two loaves of homemade bread for a total of $10 of ingredients beyond what we already had on hand); people who wanted to go all out brought fancy meat/cheese/fruit/veggie platters or catered items. Some friends of wedding guests who didn’t directly know the bride and groom were hired to pull kitchen duty (they were married in a function hall that included kitchen facilities). Since each person brought something that fed 6-12 people, there was more food and more variety than I had ever seen for any event. We ate until we were nearly blind, and there were still tons of leftovers that went to a soup kitchen (the ceremony was in the early afternoon so leftovers were carted to the soup kitchen in time for supper). It was easily one of the best wedding experiences I ever had.
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Miss Manners isn’t against registries, as far as I understand. They are great for people who want to know what you would like to get. She is against including registry information in the invitation, or any other information that inherently assumes people were planning on giving you a present. That includes “Cash only please,” “Go to this site to contribute to our honeymoon,” “Please donate to charity,” and even “No gifts please.” Etiquette dictates that you must leave it up to the guest to decide if they want to give a gift. It is acceptable to create a registry and give the information to your very closest relatives and friends; then anyone who wants the info, can call (or email) said people and ask for it.
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I usually love Miss Manners, but I do think she is out of date on this one. It is a great hassle to have to try and contact a friend of a friend to get registry information. There is no reason that can’t be included in the invitation. There should be an understanding that buying from the registry is optional, but available. Personally, I prefer to buy items off a couple’s registry if they are outside of my closest group of friends. I am busy, and that lets me get something they want for the least hassle. Maybe that isn’t as personal as some people would like, but for people I don’t know as well but still want to offer my best wishes, it is perfect. I have never felt like people were being greedy by setting up a registry. I guess if you think that poorly of your friends then just don’t buy them anything, or don’t attend.
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It’s really not that hard to find registries for people. Usually they are registered at whatever department store is nearby, Bed Bath and Beyond, Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, etc. Sometimes people register at Target for practical things. I was invited to a wedding once with no registry information, and it took me about ten minutes to find their registries online, and I didn’t have to ask anyone. Just go to the stores webpage and search for the bride or groom.
Another option is to create a webpage. This is what we did. The website had information about the wedding, maps, hotel suggestions, etc. There was a discrete link that you could also click that listed where we were registered along with some charities that we supported. My husband created a map to the church and reception venue. We printed out small maps that were included with the invitation. In the corner of the map was something like – for more information go to ….com. Most people found the information without us having to be crass by including the registry information in the invitation. And those that didn’t want to? They either gave us cash or a gift not on the registry. That was fine as well.
I hated the little slips that Macy’s included in our registry packet that we were supposed to include in the invitation. Tacky.
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I tend to disagree that it’s a ‘great hassle’ contacting family or friends or people in the wedding party about where a couple is registered. In this day and age with all these social networks it literally takes 60 seconds to write a line to someone and inquire where the couple is registered. If a person is truly so busy even to do that, then how on earth would he/she have time to do anything at all?
When a couple prints the registry or ‘money only’ on an invitation, they are stating that guests are required to give gifts. THAT is tacky.
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I got married in October and was really loathe to do a standard registry. My husband and I had lived together and both accrued a lot of home goods ourselves before getting together. Our parents were helping with the wedding but the honeymoon was a big cost, looming in the future! So we basically asked people for money. They could donate to our paypal account or bring a check to the wedding (which most people did). That way there was no fee associated with the money (except with paypal but that was pretty minimal). We personalized our thank you cards to let people know exactly what their money helped us to do. We also created a VERY small registry on Amazon for those people who were too uncomfortable to give money. Honestly, we put very expensive items on there to dissuade people from using the registry! Sneaky sneaky.
I wrote about it briefly on my blog: http://myorangechair.wordpress.com/2011/08/18/wedding-registries/ in part to convince our families that this was the best idea ever.
We also created a wedding site (using google sites) where people could find out all of the info about the wedding, RSVP, and donate to the honeymoon paypal. We saved SO much money by not using a service, not using paper, and keeping track of everything right there on our very own site.
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I had no plans to register for my wedding because I was trying to go by the Miss Manners book, but I eventually caved after several friends and family members expressed great displeasure. They wanted to know what we would like, and no amount of “gifts aren’t necessary” or “anything you’d pick would be appreciated” worked. I felt kinda bullied into doing it to make everyone’s lives easier!
Then my wonderfully thoughtful coworkers decided to throw me a shower and there was a huge divide between a shower with one of those home/kitchen party companies, can’t remember the company but it’s like selling tupperware or Scentsy candles, or just going off the registry. It turned into a big ordeal and of course I wanted NO part of it, but was being asked to decide which of the two I wanted. I finally talked to my boss, who was helping to plan, and told her I felt uncomfortable making choices about my own shower, and she sent out an e-mail that nipped the whole thing in the bud.
Needless to say, I was wishing we HAD just eloped to Mexico like I originally wanted. (The reason we didn’t, by the way, was because too many loved ones, like grandmas, wouldn’t have been able to attend, and in the end that was more important than my sanity. Ha.)
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THANK YOU ! For this awesome piece of writing !
I feel exactly the same, and it is really nice to read me own opinion.
A lot of my friends are getting married (I’m 26, so it’s this time…), and most of them have registry. On one of the registry, half of the Macy’s catalog was on it !!
I like the alternatives you present better.
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I don’t know if I’ve missed it in the comments, but I have to address the author’s statement: “I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind and leave yourself open to getting a bunch of gifts that don’t fit your tastes”.
We didn’t register. If you don’t register (at least here in Philadelphia), the vast majority of your guests will give you cash. Sure, we got one or two things that were really mismatched for us, but mostly we got cash. We also got a couple of really thoughtful, lovely gifts that we likely would not have gotten had we registered.
We’re actually going to a wedding this weekend. As far as I know there’s no registry. It doesn’t change our plans as we always write a check anyway for a wedding, but I think the no registry sends a message loud and clear: cash only, please. Of course, some people won’t give cash, but they’ll be a small minority.
Don’t know if this advice holds true for everyone, but in my experience here in Philadelphia and also in NYC, cash gifts far outweigh physical presents anyway, so if you don’t register, you’re only going to get a handful of gifts that aren’t cash.
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That’s awesome. I hope that custom spreads.
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I think it is short sighted to suggest that all people getting married should handle the registry/gift situation the same way. (I don’t think the article suggested this but some commenters did) Individuals are different, families are different, cultural customs are different etc… When I am married I personally don’t want all of that “stuff”. I am 29 and already have everything that I need. I don’t like to have a lot of stuff and so I would prefer receiving no gifts at all or an option for a honeymoon registry or charitable donation if someone insists on gift giving. Friends of mine swear by the traditional gift registry and that is great for them. Someone else may prefer a different way. Why do we have to judge others by how they handle every last detail of their wedding?
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I’m not married and not planning to be, but certainly the time in my life when I felt most in need of a registry was when I moved into my first apartment. I got a ton of hand-me-downs, which was great, but I still needed a LOT of stuff. There’s really very little I need now – I don’t know what I’d put on a wedding registry if the occasion arose! Maybe we need a cultural shift that moves the Giant Gift-Giving Event to moving out of your parents’ house.
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After the annual Christmas list debaucle, where we ask for low-cost or sustainable items and give a list of charities we’d like donations to instead, but get something the giver thinks of as a good gift instead, we solved the entire wedding question by not telling any family members until afterward.
You have to consider your guests; most people have a firm idea of what is an appropriate wedding gift, and they are going to give that, regardless of your requests or attempts at guidance. Weddings and other traditional events are not as mutable as couples would like to think.
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This comment pretty much sums up why telling your friends to help pay for you vacation is tacky.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=29734290
“Dear Miss Manners,
We received an invitation to a wedding and reception that had a note on it stating that since they have been living in comfort for a while they didn’t need the normal gifts and came right out and asked for money to foot the bill for their honeymoon plans.
We were shocked, having never before received such a thing. Are we in the dark or is this very, very tacky indeed? I might add that one of the couple is from another country and could this have been the way it is done in that country? Even then it seems so improper.
Gentle Reader,
It is supremely tacky for people living in comfort to go begging from their friends. But Miss Manners regrets to say that you do not have to look abroad to see where this now-common practice is coming from. It is rampant among Americans who allow their greed to destroy any dignity they may have had.”
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Most people, invited to a wedding, feel that they ought/must give a gift, completely regardless of the recipients requests. Pressure comes from all over – general social expectations, but also your mother calling up and saying “you have to come, you have to wear something that covers your tattoo, and if you give cash for God’s sake wrap it up in a box so Aunt Gertrude sees it and doesn’t call me later.”
The registry is to make it easier for them, as much as for the gift recipients. It may be more Miss Manners approved to lay the burden on them to contact your mom/mother-in-law and ask her what to get, but if there’s no avenue for information, they will have to put the mentla effort out to solve the problem themselves – and many will just call you up and demand you tell them, anyway.
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We didn’t need anything. When we built our site (which we did partially so we could cut down on the amount of information that needed to be mailed) we made a page for “Registry” and on that page explained that we didn’t need anything. We gave links to two charities that we’d made arrangement with before hand.
Most people were pretty good about it – I’d say less that 30% actually gave us stuff, and close to 50% donated something to one charity or the other.
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I guess when I got married in 1999 – 2003, we were more “traditional”. I was very young, broke and we didn’t live together. The registry in my case did come in handy in this case. I still have a few tings to this day, especially kitchen items. At this point in my life, I wouldn’t do it again though – the registry that is. Just remember not everyone’s path to marriage is the same.
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What’s wrong with couples wanting newer household items when they get married? Everyone likes and uses nice household times, and lots of young couples have been getting by with used or older items. People will give gifts anyway at weddings, useful household items are way better than an ugly statuette or vase.
Even if they purchased them new at some point, these type of items typically need to be replaced every 10 years or so. So I don’t get the hate directed at couples who are already living together. I’m 50 years old and I’ve had a household for many years but even so I could really use a new coffeemaker, toaster, and a set of chef’s knives!
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I tend to like registries, but maybe that is because I don’t really know anyone well off so the registries are always for needed things.
I dislike how the registries are set up to also accommodate the bridal shower. There is so little left on the registry that I end up skipping it and buying them something else. I don’t go to showers.
When my husband and I got married, it was at the courthouse with no guests. We owned two forks and our only dishes were a set we pulled out of a dumpster. One year later my family threw us a belated reception and begged us to make a gift registry. It felt uncomfortable, but I’m glad we did. Every item we received from that registry is still in use in our apartment 10+ years later. Since we had no real wedding or honeymoon and very little money, it was nice to get a few gifts.
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I honestly don’t see why people are so offended by gift registries. It’s a tradition, and a way to avoid duplicated gifts. The people on here basically are acting like the newlyweds are too stupid to know what to put on their registries, which is a bit much. And as someone else said, it is a suggestion, a way to avoid you spending money unnecessarily. I have seen 1 or 2 registries that had very high dollar amounts on, but then someone explained that people do that because they can get a discount or apply money to items which are listed on their registry (they are intending on buying it for themselves, not expecting other people to buy). Most the gift registries I’ve seen have not looked unreasonable. I do think it is lame to not give a gift for a wedding. That’s why we either get something on the registry, give a piece of art, or give cash. I don’t care if some people think it is tacky, cash is always appropriate for a wedding.
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The only time I bristle at a registry or request for wedding gifts it at second (or subsequent) marriages.
My (former) pastor left his wife for the much younger church secretary. He kept their family home and moved her into it. The wedding invitation stated that they were adding a large addition onto their (already large) home and would prefer Home Depot gift cards to wedding gifts. Oh. My. God.
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That particular example seems tacky.
However, what’s wrong with giving a gift at a second wedding? What if it’s one person’s 1st wedding and their fiance’s second?
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My personal opinion is that if it’s the woman’s first marriage it’s OK to have a registry. Guys don’t really care about registries, do they?! LOL
That example is really tacky! Who would even keep going to that church? Talk about not following Bible principles!
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I would assume most guys do care about their wedding and helping plan it and registries. At least all the guys I know who have been married recently were really into their own weddings.
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She did say he was her FORMER pastor.
I’m surprised this comment didn’t get deleted. I thought we were all supposed to support and praise and encourage everyone who leaves their spouse. I thought that was the modern party line. Everyone can get a divorce and we must praise their choice. (Or is it just the men who leave their wives with the house?)
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We live together, ages 31 and 32, and our “China” is totally mismatched. And several times a week for the past 3 years we’ve eaten off two melamine Christmas plates I bought on cleareance at Target. That’s probably not going to magically change the day after we get married. I would love a decent set of cookware, but we’ll probably buy it ourselves because I can’t bear to suggest someone else to spend that kind of money on us. We did register the request of a friend who wanted to throw a shower for us — about 40 things made it on the list, most under $20, and all researched to determine value as a function of cost and durability and likelihood of making our days that much more pleasant. We may do a honeymoon registry, because my fiance likes the idea, but, even though the contributions would be more than welcome, the whole thing still makes me uncomfortable
This phrase is one I keep repeating: “A wedding is not a fundraiser.”
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My MIL to be wanted to get us a nice, expensive gift. She offered to buy us pots & pans and asked which ones she could get us. I went with the kirkland stainless steel set at Costco. They’re still doing great 4 years later!
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I typed up all my recipes (about 200 of them), along with and index and table of contents. I made a cover sheet and print it all on heavy paper. I have a black and white laser printer to print. I use a 3-hole punch, punch holes, then use the little rings they sell at office supplies to hold it all together. I give this with a card and advise them to find a pretty binder to move it into. The cost is $5 or less and everyone loves it!!! People always remember this gift and it gets oohs and ahhs at showers. This works for couples regardless of their circumstances.
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That’s a lovely gift, but why on earth don’t you just buy the binder??
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I agree about the binder! Maybe you could use the registry to find out what color they like. I keep my recipes in a binder. I keep them in clear plastic folders to protect the recipe. You could also include a dry erase marker. I use it to check off the items I already put in the recipe or I check off the steps in the recipe.
Another option is to make an online recipe book at shutterfly or costo.com!
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As someone who has been a guest at weddings where I don’t quite know the bride and groom to know their personal tastes (extended family) it’s nice to have a guide like a registry to help. In the past I’ve bought gifts off the registry (or gone in with other family members) and sometimes bought stuff not on the registry.
Charity donation registry could be problematic if there are differing philosophies. I’m close to several members of my extended family, but we have different views on many subjects and issues I find to be extremely important they think are wrong/sinful. Maybe an animal charity would be okay.
Personally, I don’t mind being given a list or registry to work off of, if that means the recipient gets something they want rather than something they feel obligated to keep.
Finally, my view on gift giving is this – I like giving gifts to show that I care about someone and I try to get the right thing. But after I give it to someone it’s theirs and they can do whatever they want with it – keep it, exchange it, regift it, whatever.
If someone regifts/gives away/exchanges something I gave them, I’m not offended. I realize I made a mistake and should have paid more attention to their wants rather than getting something I thought they might like.
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I’m wondering if you don’t know the bride and groom that well, why you wouldn’t just give them cash? Is it just a cultural/regional thing that cash is an appropriate gift?
I’m reading some of these responses – 35 crystal bowls??!!! How does that even happen? Honest to goodness, I’ve known couples who registered who had guest lists of more than 200 who didn’t get 35 physical gifts total – cash is definitely the most common gift for weddings around here. Registries in these parts are more for the shower than for actual wedding gift suggestions.
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I am very pro wedding registry, for several reasons:
1. Yes, my husband and I were living together, but we also brought mismatched silverware and dishes, towels, etc. into the relationship. We registered for nicer, matching items that we could use for years rather than the cheap Target items we had. And, towels and sheets wear out, so why not get new ones as wedding gifts since people want to buy you something anyway?
2. They let distant relatives or friends with terrible taste know what your taste is. Some people will always go off-registry, and to be honest, we got rid of most of the off-registry gifts we received because we hated them or they were the most useless objects ever.
3. People want to give you gifts. Not registering guarantees that you’ll get a lot of stuff you don’t want or need. I knew a couple who got married in the groom’s hometown, far from where they live. They didn’t register. They wound up with 35 crystal bowls that had to be shipped to their home. If they’d registered, at least the gifts would have been more useful.
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I informed invitees to both my small bridal shower and wedding that I did not want gifts, but people still brought some. The problem was that I was living in South Africa at the time and husband-to-be was based in Europe. There was no way we could lug things around so I had to give the gifts away. I had told the guests that I just wanted us to enjoy each other’s company but apparently people still felt obligated or just wanted to give presents out of love.
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Am I the only one that thinks manners dictates you are obligated to bring a gift to a wedding (or have it dropped off or shipped)? So many people have expressed otherwise, so perhaps I am the odd one out here. I think it is rude not to, and I imagine Miss Manners would agree. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Heck, you could even just bring a card and a nice note wishing the couple well. That is a gift in and of itself. But to not even bring a card or small token gift? I personally find that rude. We had a couple people that didn’t bring even a card, and that irked me a little.
I think the thought that your presence is enough is actually a new concept. People have probably always brought gifts, however small, to weddings, even back in ancient times. You can fight consumerism and materialism without throwing out the concept of a gift entirely. Write a poem, make something, but just give something!
The only exception I would make to this is if you have spent a significant amount of money getting to the wedding. In that case, perhaps you can get away with not giving a gift. But even then, find a nice photo of the happy couple in early days, and buy a $5 frame and wrap it. It’s not that hard.
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I agree. If I go to a wedding I always take a gift. I at least try to find something small on their registry. But, like you said at the very least bring a card!
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I am not planning on getting married anytime soon, but this article got me thinking. What if you received a card in the invitation that said something like this:
“We’re Building a House!
Since we won’t be living in our new house for awhile, we don’t need much. For this reason, we are accepting contributions towards its construction in lieu of gifts. To help with this, we have created a non-traditional registry at http://www.merciregistry.com.
On this site, you have the option of choosing something specific to contribute to – such as the shingles for the roof or the French doors for the living room – or not.
We dream about looking around our new home, thinking about all the wonderful people who helped it become a reality.
If this isn’t your thing, we understand. We have also put together a small, more traditional registry at Target.”
Hypothetically, would people consider this a good or a horrible idea? All comments welcome.
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Although I personally wouldn’t do it, I would not be offended by someone who did – I want to get people what they want.
As an alternative, can you just include a link to a weddingwire website that happens to lists the two registries among all the other info? I always look online to read people’s wedding websites. Lately, the wedding wire websites even have an option to RSVP which I think is great. Saves money, time, and paper.
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I wouldn’t write that and I’d be offended if someone did. I think it draws attention to the gift giving. I like the suggestion to include a link to your wedding web site. There you can write that! Just don’t include it with the invitation!
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This may have already been posted in the comments, but GiftRegistry360.com (by The Knot) is a great “do it all” registry service.
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I did a registry for a few reasons –
one: it let me list some “upgraded” items. Sure I have a well used set of measuring cups, baking sheets etc, but it would be nice to get some new ones from a better brand.
two: the registry I used had the bonus of sending you a discount card good for anything NOT bought from your list. So even if friends weren’t going to splurge on that $XX knife set that I was drooling over, I could get it at a much better price than anywhere else.
I never listed anything I wouldn’t eventually buy for myself (like the expensive knives, I would have saved and gotten them because they are worth it) because if I can’t budget for it, it’s rude to “expect” my guests to.
And THAT, is good money sense I think.
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My fiance and I are getting married next year, and we have been living together for about a year and a half. We will definitely be doing a registry because I’ve seen that people have no idea what to get a couple if there is no registry. No, they’re not required to get anything (and if they don’t that’s perfectly fine!) but they will, because in this society during a joyous occasion (birthdays, holidays, weddings, etc.) gifts are given.
We do have a ‘household’ set up for the most part. It’s makeshift, combining my fiance’s mom’s plates and cutlery from 1986 and my cheap water glasses from wal-mart, but it does the trick. However we live in a small town where the tradition of giving gifts is alive and well and I’m perfectly ok with asking for matching cups and plates, and maybe some cutlery too.
The way I see it, is if you already have a home set up with all the things you need and want, then ask for cash (discreetly of course, don’t frickin put that on the wedding invitation!!) and that’s the end of that, but if you don’t, then a registry is a good thing.
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We register for a lot of stuff because we felt that was what we were supposed to do. We didn’t get hardly any of it – which was a blessing in disguise because seriously. Do we really need couture china place settings? We ended up with mostly money, which we then used for our honeymoon. It was great. I don’t like the idea of honeymoon registries or anything like that – why can’t people just give money (if so inclined) and the couple can use it however they wish?
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My husband and I got married in 2005 right after college. We registered at Walmart, Target, and Amazon.com for things we thought we may need in our first apartment together and made sure the invitations were very clear that presents were not necessary – we just wanted our loved ones to attend. We ended up getting quite a few basics that we registered for and quite a bit of cash. I was so appreciative and thought it all worked out really well.
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A) Registries aren’t tacky, because, like someone already said, you don’t put them on the invitation. If someone wants to get you a gift and wants to see some suggestions, it is on them to ask for it. Registries are for people who WANT suggestions and WANT to give a gift.
B)A bonus for registries is many stores give the married couple a discount (typically 15-30%) on all the items they registered for but didn’t receive. It is a possible frugal tactic to register for items that don’t typically go on sale at a store with good prices for items you need. I tend to give money to couples and let them get a deal on items instead of paying more for an item than they would. (Also cash travels easier)
C) I currently live with my boyfriend. We do have kitchen stuff, but we mostly make due with what we have such as measuring cups with worn off labels, one pot too small for pasta, too large for soup, mismatched hand me down bath towels and sheets, etc. If we get married, I expect we would look to upgrade those sorts of things that aren’t needs, but would be nice to have to start a new life together.
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I completely agree. My husband and I got married in 2009 (I was 29, he was 33), and we picked three charities to which guests could donate if they so chose – the American Cancer Society (which will send you a notification so you can write a thank-you note), the local county humane society, and the state park and gardens where we held the wedding.
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There’s pressure on both sides: on the bride & groom to have an extravagant wedding, and on the guests to give an acceptable gift.
Can we go back to the olden days where getting married meant putting on your Sunday best, a ceremony in your back yard, followed by a sweet potluck? (At least, this is how it was done in Anne of Avonlea). That way, guests will have the joy of contributing to the celebration by bringing delicious food, and the bride & groom won’t be starting off their new life hoping to receive a ton of wedding gifts to make up for the huge cost of the wedding.
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I always questioned how much to spend on wedding gifts too. I have given cash and bought off registries but I never have a good idea of what is acceptable to spend. I had decided on $50 unless it is a really good friend or close family member and then I went to $100. I brought this up a few times and was told by different people that I was a) too cheap and should spend in the $100-200 range for everyone and b) that I was too generous and I should never exceed $50. I have no idea what to think!
When I got married in 2001, I received gifts ranging from $20-$200 value. I am hoping anything goes!
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In general people gave me $50 each. I’d been thinking I’d receive $25 each. I was surprised. But, not all gave gifts so my estimate for # & $ of items placed on the registry was accurate. I received a large amount of gifts from my mom, grandma, sisters and a long time family friend all from my registry. Those must have added up to at least $150 each. My grandpa gave me a cuisinart (not on registry) but I really do like having it now. Uncle gave me a nice knife on my registry. Got lots of $50 though. Or real junk like a “just married” frame with a bride and groom hanging out of the car. LOL
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I bought the $500 blender (well, $400) out of my own cash. It’s something I use several times a week.
I still have mixed feelings about the darn thing, though… I use it regularly. It works. It does what I need. (I’m a texture freak. This thing gets the job done right.) BUT I STILL SPENT $400 ON A BLENDER!!!!
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My wife and I set-up a registry on one of those sites that let you list a bunch of items you like, allowing people to pay all or portion of the money towards the item. You get the cash and then go buy the item where you prefer (Amazon over Bed Bath and Beyond, etc.).
The problem? Most people didn’t use it. We set up a backup registry after people mentioned they prefer to get the gift and physically bring it to the wedding. We got a lot of gifts and were thankful, but we could definitely have saved about 20% of they cash they spent by price-comparing and buying online.
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People didn’t shop on amazon for my friend’s registry. They like to go into a store a day or two before.
So unlike either she or I. We shop around and look for coupons and sales as soon as we get the invitation. Once I even bought someone a gift after I found out she was pregnant. Wasn’t invited to shower so realized we weren’t close friends. I kept the toy I’d found on clearance. Kids that come to my house love it to this day!
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I just give cash especially if the couple has been living together and have already acquired household items. Giving to charity is awesome though. I did that for my birthday – hosted a paint party with proceeds going to a local homeless shelter.
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Tim, maybe your thinking applies in some cases, but as a generalization, this is crap. Setting up a household is not cheap, and there’s a big difference between the college/single young professional lifestyle and a married lifestyle.
My wife and I are graduate students with very little “wiggle room” in our incomes for discretionary purchases. We only registered for items under $50 when we were getting married, and all of them were kitchen and household necessities designed to complement a frugal lifestyle. Should we feel guilty for registering for a decent ~$40 slow cooker? For the matching lid to our one cast-iron pan? For $25 Amazon gift certificates that we could put toward a good rice cooker?
Tim, you make it sound like all that people use wedding registries for is to pile on a bunch of expensive luxury crap that they don’t need. Maybe that’s what your friends and family have done–in which case they’re just abusing a good system. But don’t think for a minute that all young married couples either have everything they need already or else can magically afford to pay out of pocket to set up their marital home.
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The counter to that is, why does the married couple get to upgrade their lifestyle as a reward for getting married? If all of your friends are still young and poor (as I was, when my friends got married the first time around), why should they subsidize your new life?
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Wow. I think this post is in EXTREMELY poor taste so soon after JD’s divorce announcement.
I’m not saying it is not valid, but surely it could have waited a few weeks?!
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You are not alone in your thinking. When we were planning our wedding we initially had no registry. Because we had been living together and were 30-ish, we had a functioning household.
Somewhere along the planning process a couple of relatives pestered us until we caved and made a registry. Funnily, when I am invited to weddings and am able to make a gift, I am grateful to have registries to shop from; however, I was uncomfortable making ours. It felt wrong somehow. We registered for matching plates and flatware (ours were of the “mismatched plates…uneven fork-to-spoon ratio” variety) and for a handful of household items we lacked, mostly kitchen stuff. It seems like a racket, though. I remember the Macy’s saleslady telling us we needed at least 400 items (!) for our guest list of 70. The sample list recommended, for example, three sets of plates (everyday, fancy, super-fancy for formal dinners). Sheesh. I think if we had been younger or had a household catastrophe that left us without the basics the registry would have made more sense for us.
In the end only a few folks used the registry, not including one of the pesterers. The rest gave us nothing (which was A-OK), something else entirely, cash, or gift cards. Five years later we still have some value on two gift cards (I know they may lose or may have lost their value) because we didn’t need anything more. We bought the rest of the matching plates and flatware ourselves and gifted their predecessors to a friend who had recently split up and had zero housewares.
I had a conversation with a friend who hemmed and hawed after she got the invitation and finally revealed she didn’t want to come because she couldn’t afford a gift. I was so surprised. I explained I see wedding invitations as simply an invitation to come share in someone’s wedding. It’s not a demand for gifts and requests (and not requires) nothing but your presence and maybe a “congratulations.” And perhaps that you shake your booty on the dance floor. She came.
With regard to baby showers, I nearly always give a hand-knitted cardigan for new babies. I look at the baby shower registry to get an idea of the parents-to-be’s color and style choices and design something that goes along with that. So far have had a great success rate with this practice.
Oh, and if you do buy something listed on a registry, get a gift receipt. People don’t necessarily buy from the store that has the registry and recipients can end up with duplicates (we sure did).
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Yes! ALWAYS get gift receipts. Someone bought something on my registry then another person bought a similar item not on the registry. I was stuck with two because there was no receipt for either!
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Wish I’d been a GRS reader before we got married!
We registered, even for some things that weren’t necessities. For example, I love my nice set of towels, pots and pans and knives. That’s about it. I like that I have matching dinnerware; however, I would have chosen a cheaper set. Dishes are one of those things you tire of, even if you loved the pattern when purchased. So, I will be stuck with these for the next 30 years! Oh well!
I feel like I was urged on by the gift registries themselves. I’d never registered so I didn’t know how it worked. I found myself putting tons and tons of things on the list that I didn’t need because it said you should put x # of items on the list based on the number of guests invited.
If I could do it all over again I’d register for some things, but only those for which I’d eventually have bought for myself. I used the registry like a wish list, for which I regret. If I ever have a baby (unlikely) I’ll not register but I will say no clothes please. A friend had a baby last year and I could feel the greed oozing. But, she got WAYY too many clothes from people that weren’t registered for and they were all the same size. What a hassle. She had to return things to 12 stores!
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baby registries are another thing that is so much stress on the recipient, and I haven’t found a good way to opt out of a baby shower if your mom or your partner’s mom wants to have one. A friend of mine had a perfectly nice shower locally, with friends – and her mom was so put out to miss out on that part of the grandma experience, she went ahead and threw another shower for *her* friends, in a totally other city.
I got out of “my” baby shower by being on bed rest, but it was planned (again, in another city – they had expected me to drive interstate at the end of my 7th month for “my” party) without my knowledge or consent, except for the demand/criticism of my tiny baby registry – first that I didn’t have one, and then that it wasn’t the kind of things they wanted to buy.
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We registered with china and stainless, so people could tell our tastes. Generally everyone looked at the patterns and bought something that went with it. We received several items that we would never have thought of using this approach.
We were not going to register until my mom told me to pick out the china and crystal so people had something to match.
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We tried to go sans-registry, and our family gently encouraged us (and then demanded) that we do register. Yes, we lived together before the wedding. And, yes, we had just a few mismatched dishes. We only registered for things we actually needed — no use registering for pots or knives, since we had nice ones. But we didn’t have enough dishes to have folks over without using paper plates, so we registered for and got those.
We also got lots of nice things that weren’t off our registry. And I wrote a thank you card for every present received, and I am finishing up the thank yous to folks who came but didn’t give a present (I am still grateful they were here). It’s just been a month since our wedding, but I love to see reminders of the folks I love scattered around our apartment. The few things we did get that were upgrades of existing items meant that a big box went to Goodwill.
Registries are not all bad. It’s one thing if the couple put all $100+ presents on a list and presume folks will buy them. We followed the rule that we wouldn’t register for anything we wouldn’t buy ourselves. It was a nice metric. And, now that the wedding is over, we are purchasing a few things that did not get bought. It’s been great to finally have a fully equipped apartment ready for entertaining.
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My cousin is getting married in Vegas this March, so that our extended family can fly in from around the country.
The part of the country we originated from has a tradition of gifts at the shower and cash at the wedding. I’ve noticed that the customs vary greatly in different parts of the country.
We will be giving them a cookbook of family recipes. The tradition started a few family weddings ago, and with sites like Tastebook, you can turn out a professional looking cookbook. Instead of food photos, we include a photo of the relative who submitted the recipe to make it even more personal.
When I was married 17 years ago, my co-workers chipped in and bought us a small chainsaw. They’d hear me complain enough times about the laurel hedges at my house to know it was a gift we would use. To this day, whenever I use it, I think of the fun I had working with that crew.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that gifts that are thoughtful are much more meaningful than gifts on a list.
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I just got married last weekend, so this is timely. My husband (still seems weird to call him that) and I both hate receiving gifts that people feel obligated to give – i.e. Christmas when someone gives you something just to give you something. Also, the last thing we need is more stuff!
We did a secret ‘family and dear friends only’ ceremony – our wedding cost $164 for licenses and fees, and only the people who truly mattered to us were there. We tried the ‘no gifts!’ thing, and ended up receiving random household items (from extended family who found out ahead of time) that we did not need or want. So we did an Amazon registry that consisted of lots of board games, books, and video games, which we love. We had items as low as $8, up to the $200 range for a couple of kitchen appliances that we would not buy for ourselves. Only one friend donated to the charities we asked people to (in lieu of a gift), and it was the same charity I had donated to for her wedding.
The registry was absolutely the way to go! After we did it, people either bought us things we actually wanted, or gave us cash if they did not approve of our selections. People want to give housewares. Seriously. I will never need another casserole dish as long as I live.
But what I did learn is that people want to give you a gift as a celebration, not just out of tradition. Everyone was so happy and wanted to show it, so I am glad we had the registry.
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I like the honeymoon registry and also charity. Most of the rich would rather have like to help and give out to others.
But I think I would want to have the Do it All sort of thing when I get married. At least I can decide what I want and not be limited to choices from any store.
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I haven’t read all the comments, but from the ones I looked at, I have not seen the idea that we used for a “registry”. We did not want to be tied to things from a specific store. My mom and MIL-to-be were each given a different list of things we could use, which made it easier for them since they didn’t have to cross reference with each other all the time.
The invitation said nothing about gifts or registries. So people would call Mom or MIL and ask where we were registered. They would say, no registry, but here are some suggestions from the list. They could tailor the suggestions to the person asking, so aging aunts on fixed incomes were not stuck with only expensive things left on the registry.
It worked very well. Some people didn’t use the suggestions, but in general that was because they had a “better” idea. In most cases, they were right that these were things we could use that we simply hadn’t thought of. One aunt got us fire extinguishers, for example. Some other relatives simply preferred to give cash. And for what it’s worth, some of the things we thought we needed, we really didn’t use much once we had them. So it seems that there can be room for multiple approaches to gifts for the same wedding.
I’ve also been to fabulous potluck weddings where those who wanted to brought a dish to serve instead of registry type gift. Someone has to coordinate this, so you don’t end up with 40 salads, but the best wedding food I’ve ever had has come from potlucks where many of the contributing guests were professional chefs. Some consider this tacky, but consider that not everyone comes from the same family background, and if this is ‘normal’ for your family, no one bats an eye.
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